Lost Girls

So a few months ago I watched the (then) new Lindsey Stirling music video, Lost Girls. It's a sequel to Shatter Me. For this post, you really do need to watch the videos for any of this to really make sense, so I'll wait a minute while you do that.


....... *whistles to self*.......*microwaves something*.......*in the distance, crickets*......


Okay cool.

So when I watched Lost Girls that first time, something hit me hard. Sometimes, we're in situations that really aren't the best for us, but we don't know any other way to live, so we stay in them. We're afraid to leave even though we know that there are better things out there. And then if we do manage to venture out a bit, we are often tempted to just go right back because it's familiar.

This is why abusive relationships are so rough.

You fall in love with someone. They make you really happy and you can't imagine life without them. And then the abuse starts. But by then it's like you're trapped. You no longer know how to live without them. And so you just don't find out. You stay. And you get hurt. And you stay some more. And you keep getting hurt. And then maybe you say "enough is enough" and you try to get out of it. But then you realize that you would almost rather be in an abusive relationship than try to learn how to live outside of it again.

There is so much that I want to say about abuse that I haven't quite figured out how to say yet. Hopefully I'll manage it someday.

But for now I'll go with this aspect.

Because before I myself was abused, it was so easy for me to look at people in abusive relationships and just be like "why don't you just leave him/her?"

Now I know that it's not that easy.

It's actually really hard. It's hard because there is still this picture in your mind of what was. And you have the teensiest glimmer of a hope that maybe, just maybe, things will be like that again someday. And you know deep down that it probably won't be. But you hold on to that hope anyway because, again, you don't know how else to live anymore. This is your life and it's not great, but it's what you've got.

Plus, when you're being abused, you feel like everything is your fault. Leaving won't make anything better because you'll just end up in the same situation with someone else. You're just not good enough for anyone, but this guy/girl is still with you for some reason, so you hold on to them because you feel like the likelihood of anyone ever wanting to be with you again is slim to none.

Depressing, no?

I've been there. I've been with someone who made me feel like I would never, ever measure up. I was constantly trying to prove to both myself and him that I could be good enough for him. It was exhausting.

Somewhere in my head I knew that I probably would be better off without him, but the thought of leaving terrified me. What if I wasn't good enough for anyone? What if I had blown my only chance of being with someone?

I even knew that being single for the rest of my life would probably be better than this. But I still stayed and stayed and stayed.

And things actually did end up getting better. He stopped abusing me. Things started going well again and he actually did seem to be becoming the man that I fell in love with again.

Or so I thought.

In reality, it was more of an act than anything. What I thought was improvement ended up actually being an increased capacity to lie. And when everything came to light, that was it. He was officially gone from my life. Not because I left, but because he was in jail.

And I was left with that feeling of "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to NOT have him in my life." And I didn't. But let me tell you something, I'm managing. And not only that, but I have been able to find a lot of joy. I'm struggling because I have PTSD. I'm struggling because I was very used to having a person and learning how to not have one anymore has been hard. But Heavenly Father has taken SUCH good care of me.

I really didn't think that I could do this. But I think that a part of me forgot that I can never be fully lost because God is there to lead the way. Even when thrown into a life that I don't understand and never could have imagined, this "lost girl" will find a way because Jesus Christ is the Way. He has been helping me through this time all along.

Here is an excerpt from this article about Lost Girls:

In her behind-the-scenes video, Lindsey explains that the ballerina notices that the trapped ballerinas are lovely and clean, unlike Lindsey who fell down in the woods and has some bruises, dirt smudges, cuts, and a ripped dress. The ballerina seems to realize that even though her old snowglobe had confined her, she felt safe and life seemed much easier inside of it. As she touches one of the snowglobes, the dirt smudges on her arm disappear. Behind the scenes, Lindsey explains, “The temptation will always be there to fall back into whatever old patterns or habits we had whether it’s … a bad relationship or insecurities or an eating disorder … There’s always the temptation to go back because for some reason it’s strangely comforting. However … I’m so much happier. I’m such a different person than I was back in the day when I was literally trapped. … When I really think about it, it becomes very apparent that I never want to go back, and that takes strength. It takes constant vigilance and work, but … So worth it. I do not want to be a lost girl.”

...Lindsey shares that “Shatter Me” was a depiction of how she overcame anorexia. Like the ballerina, Lindsey worried that if she tried to break free of her eating disorder, that she would lose her value. Fortunately, she was able to overcome her anorexia and has become a YouTube star as a result. Lindsey pours her heart and soul into her art, and she hopes to not only express herself but also to send a positive message to people out there who may be going through similar experiences.

In “Lost Girls,” after the ballerina runs away from the girls trapped in the snowglobes, a witch appears and conjures a globe around Lindsey. At first, the ballerina appears unsure about whether or not she wants to have a snowglobe again. She has a flashback about the times when she had been in a snowglobe. That is when she realizes that she doesn’t want to be trapped again. She shatters her globe, showing that the “lost girl” inside her is “dying away.” Lindsey never wants to go back. After that, she finds one of the ballerinas who used to be in a snowglobe and takes her hand, symbolizing that she will help her on her path to recovery.

Just as Lindsey was able to find the strength to stay lost until she found a better way to live rather than going back to what she knew, I have had to be content to feel lost for a while.

But let me tell you a story.

A week ago today (October 3, 2017), I was laying on the floor of my living room crying. I was talking to my best friend Tyler on the phone about a multitude of worries and frustrations ranging from not being able to focus on my classes to my dating fears. I told him that while I knew that there are plenty of good things about me, I feel like the bad far outweighs the good at the moment. "Who would want to be with me when I can't even hold a job or keep up with my homework?"

Not that I felt ready to date anyway. The thought still terrified me. I felt more comfortable being lost than I was with the idea of potentially being trapped in abuse again.

So while I lamented the idea that no one would ever want me, I also didn't feel ready to handle it if someone actually did.

Now let me tell you about today.

Tyler and I started officially dating today.

Literally, I could not even begin to tell you what the freak just happened.

Tyler has been an amazing support through this year. We were friends before (well, mostly I was just who he came to for dating advice), but after my ex was arrested, Tyler really stepped up his friend game. He would take me out once a week just to get me out of my apartment and make sure that I was eating. He always made sure to have a cute or funny story to tell me and made sure that I knew that what we did when we went out to eat was up to me. We could talk about what happened, we could talk about other things, we could not talk at all, I could do whatever I needed to do at the moment.

Even when he went home for Spring semester and Summer, he would call me every so often just to see how I was doing. He still was sure to have a story to tell me to get my mind off of things. I even texted him a few times when I was really struggling and just asked him to talk to me and tell me a story.

Through all of this, our friendship grew, but I didn't have any stronger feelings for him than that.

When we got back to school, I was still the friend that he talked to about girls that he was interested in and he was still the friend that I talked to when I was upset. He also became my running buddy. I've been wanting to get back into running, but have been struggling to motivate myself to do it, so Tyler helps me to get out to the track to run. He also became my study buddy. I have the hardest time focusing on homework, which has resulted in me falling behind even though we're only a few weeks into the semester.

So we started spending good chunks of every day together. But he was still just my best friend.

And then something changed around Wednesday of last week. I was coming to realize more and more how much I appreciate Tyler and all that he has done for me. I realized that I had been happier than I've felt since... before. I really noticed it while I was doing my clean check. I turned on my Spotify playlist and started jamming out while I cleaned. I didn't feel the need to skip a single song. I didn't skip any cutesy songs about love. I didn't skip any sad songs. I just rocked out to all of them and was super happy!

I was feeling straight up happy for the first time in 8 months and the only thing that had changed in my life was spending more time with Tyler.

We chatted that night and I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him. He admitted that he had feelings for me too. But here's the HUGE thing:

He told me that he had liked me for a little while, but that he was never going to bring it up unless he could see that I was starting to feel that way about him. He knew that what I really needed was a good friend and so that's what he would be. If something developed, cool, but if not, he was just going to be that friend for me.

He cared more about my well-being than he did about what he hoped for. He was willing to put aside what he wanted for what I needed. And that is a big deal.

Abuse cares more about how the other person can please them than anything. Tyler cares more about me.

I honestly forgot what it felt like to be so completely happy. I had worried that I wasn't even capable of it anymore.

Not that my life is all sunshine and roses now. I still have felt major anxiety over the past two days. I still sobbed Friday night for no good reason. But when I'm with him, I just feel so calm. It's like the anxiety pretty much melts away.

When we're apart, the anxiety sets back in. I worry about dating because of how badly I've been hurt before. I worry that I'm rushing into something that I'm not prepared for. Heck, I didn't feel prepared just a few days ago!

But somehow Tyler is able to alleviate those fears. And he is endlessly patient with me. He's seen me at my lowest points. He knows that dating is scary for me. And so he is more than willing to take everything at my pace. He's letting me take the lead on this one and that's really what I need. I need someone who can see my struggles, but can also see past them into my heart. I need someone who will work with my PTSD because he knows that I'm trying my best.

I'm texting Tyler right now and he literally just said "If you truly care for someone, why would you push them?" And that is why he has become my someone.

My ex pushed me beyond my limits in so many ways. But he can't reach me anymore.

This lost girl still doesn't know how to deal with everything, but is feeling ever more optimistic about what this new life has in store for her.

So please know that if you are feeling trapped in a situation where you are not being treated like the son or daughter of God that you are, it really will be okay if you leave it. You should never feel like you are only worth something if _______.

It's not going to be easy- this year sure as heck has been excruciatingly difficult for me -but "lost girls"- or boys -will always "find a way" if they are following God.

It will take time. There will be plenty of stumbles and falls. But I promise you that Heavenly Father does not want you to be in a situation where you struggle to feel your divine worth. He has much, MUCH better things in store for you and He will help you to get to them if you have the faith and courage to leave your bubble of what you know in order to find the higher plane that Heavenly Father has in store for you.

You really can live without him. You really can live without her. But you cannot live without the Savior. He lights the way. He IS the Way. So take that step of faith out of the bubble and prepare to be guided and directed to a life that it much, much better than anything that you've ever dreamed of. Heavenly Father wants so much more for you than this. You only have to choose to let Him give it to you.

Ps- This article describes what it's like to be in an abusive relationship:

"I strongly believed he’s not like that; he couldn’t be.

I would never fall for such a guy. I kept thinking it was just a phase and it’ll be over soon. The sad part is, it never ended."

"I dated someone who I didn’t really know.

Because he never showed me his true face. It could be that he had one too many faces

I wanted him to be the man I thought he was. I constantly waited for him to be the guy I’ve created in my head and maybe this is the reason I stayed too long with him."

Holy cow. I didn't experience all of the things that this girl talks about, but some of this is completely spot on for me.

This is what it's like to be in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I love that she ends with strength. I did lose myself for a while. But in the end, I've found a stronger version of myself. This lost girl really is finding her way through this.