I've started trying to write this post a handful of times already and never felt right about any of the results. But I'm going to try again because I feel like this is important.
Being married is hard. It's scary and it's amazing and it's frustrating and it's wonderful and it's just really, really hard. And it's really, really worth it, but still really, really hard.
And I think that, in some ways, it's hard for anyone. You are taking two completely different people and putting them together to try to make their own life and family. And that's going to naturally come with ups and downs. There are silly little differences that you never would have thought of that will feel odd for a while. You were raised differently, think differently, and act differently. But at the end of the day, you love each other and learn how to compromise.
But I feel like my marriage has been excruciatingly difficult thus far and I don't know that it's quite like this for your typical newlyweds. In fact, it always seems to me that it's not. I see posts about the sweet things that they do for each other, the thoughtful gifts and gestures, the fun adventures that they're having, and the progress that they're making in their lives and it leaves me feeling... empty.
And obviously I don't know what is happening behind the social media filter, but I still am often left feeling like my marriage is missing so many things that other people seem to have.
You don't see posts about Jonathan and I going on adventures or sweet gestures or anything from us. Partially because I'm awful at taking pictures to make posts, partially because my husband is a very private person, but mostly because they don't happen.
Now before you decide that I must have made a mistake in marrying Jonathan, let me tell you about our lives.
When we got married, we couldn't afford our own apartment. We lived with an amazing family that Jonathan considers to be a second family in their guest bedroom. They were extremely kind and generous towards us, but I absolutely hated living there because they intimidated me. They were everything that I want to be.
The husband worked hard at a good job and the wife, well she was just incredible. She is talented in so, so many ways. She is a fantastic wife and mother, serves others, makes everything from scratch, is passionate about the gospel, etc. And she intimidated me beyond anything. I looked up to her so much that it hurt. Because I felt like I would never, ever get to where she is. She has faced many difficult things and come out a stronger and better person for it. And she tried to help me. She tried to teach me how to be better. I know that she prayed to know how to help me and actively did her best to do so. And she taught me a lot! And I am so grateful for everything that she did for me. But I was also often left feeling like I was never going to measure up to who she was trying to help me to be. And that broke me. And I'm still haunted by those feelings.
And on top of all of that, I also just felt so guilty for how long it was taking us to get out of their house! They were always so kind about us being there and did WAY more for us than I ever would have expected of anyone, but it still felt like we were encroaching on their home and lives. I felt so bad that a huge chunk of their basement was taken up with my belongings. And I felt so bad that their hospitality was so necessary for us. Jonathan was working super hard every single day, so most of the apartment searching and finance keeping was up to me. And I was struggling so much at the time that it was very difficult for me to make much headway at a time, despite hours spent searching for apartments online and calling complex after complex.
You see, I feel that I was extremely blessed over the summer last year. After a year and a half of feeling sick and depressed all the time, I actually felt pretty good! I had some energy, was able to do WAY more than I had been able to in a while, and just felt like things were finally starting to look up for me. I was about to get married to a wonderful man and it seemed that maybe healing was finally happening.
Well, I found out that Heavenly Father put in some hard work sustaining me through the wedding. And then once we got married, my health plummeted again. I was tired ALL THE TIME, nauseous and lightheaded constantly, and just felt generally unwell. I also gained a ton of weight seemingly out of nowhere and all of a sudden weighed more than I ever have before by about 25 pounds, leaving me with major self-image issues.
Compound that with the scariness of moving to a new state where I didn't know anyone, living with people that I just met, with my brand new husband that I really didn't know nearly as well as I had hoped to before marriage, and I pretty thoroughly slumped back down to where I had been before the summer. And in some ways, worse.
Jonathan got back to work and we saved up to get into our own place finally and eventually did at the very beginning of November. We could only afford the down payment because of a grant that literally came out of nowhere that appeared in my bank account. Apparently it was supposed to be for last Spring semester, but never processed. Until right when we needed it most of course!
We moved into our new place in the pouring rain and for the first few weeks we slept on a camp mattress on the floor that was only slightly wider than a twin. We had no furniture, so used the plastic tote that has Jonathan's military clothes in it as a table and sat on the floor.
Jonathan started a new job that same week, and so was then working two jobs as well as his drill weekends once a month for the Marines. He works at one job during the day for the first half of the week, and then a 12 hour night shift during the second.
We were SO happy to be in our own place and I spent the next few days reveling in unpacking our belongings into our own little apartment. It felt SO good to have our own space. To finally unpack all of the things that had been stored in the basement for so long. And I felt a sense of accomplishment in organizing my own little family's home.
We were extremely blessed to have people in the ward come out of the woodwork and find furniture for us to have. I am definitely a firm believer in the power of paying tithing, because we ended up with every single piece of our furniture so far being free. Including a really comfy, massive bed (just so you don't think that we're still on the floor ;) ).
It was definitely nice to start creating our own home.
But.
Jonathan is working more than ever. About 54 hours a week most weeks. And because of how his schedule flip-flops mid-week, it's thrown any kind of sleep schedule that we might have had before completely out the window. Which doesn't help my poor health situation. I keep trying to get into a decent sleep cycle and my body just... won't.
And with Jonathan working so much just so that we can pay our bills and pay off my past medical bills, there isn't much time for anything else. He works so, so hard for our family of two because I can't right now. I still haven't been able to securely hold a job since my ex's arrest. And the way my health has been since we got married, I really don't know when I'll be able to. And so he works two and a half jobs and hardly has time to sleep, let alone any time to unwind.
And in the midst of all of that there's me. I am an incredibly difficult person to be married to. Not because I don't love my husband or because I don't try to be a good wife, but because someone that came before hurt me so deeply that I am still trying to regain my footing over two years later.
And that makes life really, really hard.
Because I'm still not used to my husband being so nice to me. I'm not used to being with someone who loves me deeply, believes in me, is willing to go through hard things with and for me. I'm not used to being put first.
And it feels SO good to have that in my husband. But because I didn't have that with my ex, it's made me very wary.
I didn't know that I was being abused by my ex until after it was over. And so now, I am guarded. I am much more critical of Jonathan than I ever was of my ex because I'm terrified of being abused. My husband is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but he is so perfect for me in so many ways. I need someone who has been through difficult things and so knows how to be patient and loving in the midst of my storms. I need someone who is willing to take me by the hand and gently lead me back to the light. I need someone who is so understanding of my brokenness and sees beauty in it, and so much potential. I need someone who is willing and able to cut up for any slack that I inevitably leave at this time. And Jonathan is all of those things and more.
But he is also a human being. He has his flaws and shortcomings. And he is a VERY different person than me, which absolutely creates moments of hurt and frustration on both sides. We do things very differently and I have needs that he is not equipped to meet right now and he certainly has needs that I am nowhere near equipped to meet at the moment either. And because he works so hard every day, it leaves little to no room for sweet gestures and fun dates, even if he was the type of person to do those things in the first place.
But here's the thing. I know with complete certainty that he is the right person for me and I'll tell you why.
It's not because he is able to fulfill each and every one of my needs with exactness. It's not because he intuitively knows how to help me.
No.
It's because he is committed to doing all that he possibly can to provide for me in the ways that I most need. It's because he wants to be the absolute best for me and is actively striving to become so.
Jonathan often comes home from work absolutely exhausted, but then stays up a few hours more because I am struggling emotionally.
He won't take time for himself until he knows that I'm okay.
He holds me for as long as I need him to and listens as I express frustration at him, myself, and our situation.
And he never makes me feel like I'm not worth doing all of that for.
Where I feel like he should be fed up with me and my issues by now, he continues to love me more and more each and every day. And he wants to be better for me.
It's hard because I am so, so needy right now. I am still struggling physically and mentally more than I can bear. I need him to support me financially because I still can't work a regular job. I need him to support me emotionally when the pain of my ex's actions sets back in, when I feel useless and like I'm never going to progress, when I feel like I don't deserve the love that my husband gives me because I feel that I give him nothing in return but tears and heartache. I need him to support me spiritually as we desperately need God in our lives to help us through our struggles. I need him to basically be Superman. And he is. But he literally can't be in every single way that I need.
After working such long hours at his jobs and spending time making sure that I'm mentally and emotionally stabilized, his tank is empty. There is no more time or energy for him to take me out on dates, think of and execute plans for holidays, or help me to do all that I need to in order to heal.
And so he is doing all that he can and I am desperately trying to do all that I can and we both come up woefully short time and time again.
And so our marriage is incredibly difficult.
But all of the frustration and tears are oh so worth it because it is through my marriage with my sweet husband that I am truly beginning to understand the love that my Savior has for me. Because Jonathan sees me through God's eyes in a way that no one else does. He sees me as a person of value. He truly believes that I am worth every hardship. He sees my potential. And not only that, but he already believes that I am a good wife. He already sees me as amazing. It's not some future thing to him. It's not that I'm going to be so great someday once I'm healed. Once the emotions have been soothed and my physical health is stable. He thinks that I am incredible right now. As I am.
At the exact moment that I feel so incredibly useless and like I'm never going to progress, he looks at me with so much love and sees someone who does everything that she can to the point of exhaustion. He sees someone that is so worth loving and so worth working hard for. I can literally see the love in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he talks to me in the moments that I feel completely miserable and like I'll never have lasting happiness ever again.
And if a human being can look at me the way that Jonathan does, then I know that everything is going to be okay someday. Because if my husband can see so much in me, then the Lord surely sees even more. And if my husband can love me so fully, then the Lord surely loves me even more. And if my husband is willing to sacrifice so much for me, then I can get the teensiest glimpse of the immense sacrifice that the Savior made for me.
If God could create such an amazing human being like Jonathan, one who is so patient, hard working, self-sacrificing, and loving, then I know without a doubt that miracles are real.
If God can take someone as flawed and imperfect as my husband and give him the strength to be married to me, then I know that He must be able to give me the strength to be healed.
Jonathan can't heal me on his own and he doesn't profess to be able to. We both know that it will take professional help as well as lots and lots of help from God before I will be in a good place again.
But being married to someone who loves me so much and is willing to walk through my personal Gethsemane with his hand in mine has put me in the best possible position to finally start to make my way back out.
Being married to an amazing man doesn't mean that I'm healed. But it surely testifies to me that I can be.
