Until You're Not

I went to a baseball game with a good friend of mine last night. Our team had 0 runs and the opposing team had 1 and we were probably in the 5th or 6th inning. One of our players went up to bat and we were hoping for the game to start turning around.

But then my friend (who is a very logical, analytical type) looked at the player's stats.

Not so good. So I just said "maybe tonight is his night!" and my friend replied that statistically, it wasn't likely. I just told him that "You're bad until you're good!"

That little exchange really got me thinking.

Statistics say an awful lot and definitely should be paid attention to, but they don't have to determine everything. After sitting quietly for a while, I leaned over to my friend and said that "I hope that statistics don't dictate everything, because 100% of my engagements have ended in felony."

Man oh man, I literally prayed that that player would get a hit, even if he didn't make it all the way home. Please just get him to first base.

Out.

Another player goes up and he also has had no hits in his baseball career (I'm assuming that they're both rookies). This time my friend says "well, maybe tonight is his night."

Guess who got his first hit?

Boo. Yah.

I've been thinking about what I said to my friend, "You're bad until you're good!" and I've decided that that statement has SO many applications.

Now if you know me, you know that I'm nothing if not persistent. I don't give up easily. If something isn't going well, I just find a different way to tackle it. I work harder. I work smarter. Knock me down and I'll get back up again!

Because of this, I really struggle when I talk to friends who find excuses for everything. I don't freaking care if you've always failed before! You haven't really failed until you quit. You are going to fail until you succeed. You're going to lose until you win. You are going to be bad at xyz until you're not anymore.

But that doesn't just happen. It takes hard work, patience, perseverance, etc.

Thomas Edison is a perfect example of this. Of the process of inventing the light bulb he said:

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up."

Edison knows what's up.

He failed to invent the light bulb until he didn't.

Life is hard and setbacks are plenteous but they're only final if you decide that they are. What seem to be walls can become stumbling blocks if you simply decide that they are. If you decide that nothing is going to stop you and figure out how to climb over it.

People certainly are more inclined to some things than others. For example, I'm directionally, artistically, and athletically challenged. But I'm pretty good at singing.

But here's the thing. If I decided that I wanted to, I absolutely could become better with directions, decent at drawing, and proficient in a sport. I might not ever be professional, but I could definitely be a lot farther along than I am. But I have chosen to focus my energy on doing other things instead. I've chosen to leave my walls where they are, at least for now, so that I can focus on climbing over some other ones instead.

And you know what? I'm only good at singing because I worked hard to become so.

If you ask my mom, she'll tell you that I was NOT a very good singer when I was little (despite what I thought. I thought that I was fantastic!) I asked my mom quite a few times if I could start taking voice lessons and she always said no. But that didn't stop me from practicing on my own!

I remember sitting in our living room in Maryland when I was maybe 11 and skipping to the scene with "Think of Me" on the Phantom of the Opera DVD so that I could sing along with Christine. (My mom finally got me the soundtrack so I could listen to it in my room ;) )

I practiced other songs as well and one day made my mom listen to me again, and again begged her to let me start voice lessons. She finally caved. Over a decade later, I'm not professional by any means, but I have been known to give people goosebumps and make them cry (in a good way, I promise).

I was a bad singer until I wasn't.

I think that you get the point, but I want to add in one last application.

You're broken until you're better. You feel weak until you don't.

The healing process in any capacity is long, slow, and frustrating beyond belief. Whether it be healing from a sickness or injury, healing from sin, healing from heartbreak/tragedy- it's going to be hard. You are going to feel like you'll never be fully whole again. You will feel weak and helpless and like the pain will never, ever end.

And it's going to be hard until it's not, and you're going to be broken until you're not, and you're going to be weak until you're not, and you're going to be hurting until you're not.

And that sucks but it's true. But there will be an "Until you're not" moment. But only if you keep pushing forward.

I'm at a spot in my life where progress seems slow and walls seem to crop up out of nowhere in an endless line in front of me and that is discouraging. I'm not going to lie.

But I'm also not lying when I say that I'm still going and that I'm going to KEEP going.

Things that I didn't give a second thought to before are suddenly really difficult for me because of my PTSD. I'm not used to being knocked down by some of these things because they weren't really issues before. But now they are and that's extremely frustrating.

I had a major anxiety attack last night over something that never really bothered me before. It was completely awful, especially because I thought that I was past that caliber of anxiety at this point but apparently I am not.

But I'll tell you, even though this is all driving me crazy and I get frustrated and anxious and sad, I will not give up. I know that these things are going to suck until they don't. But they're not going to stop sucking if I stop picking back up.

And the same goes for you.

So keep trying, keep working, keep thinking, and strategizing, and believing that this isn't it. This isn't forever. This is NOT the end! You won't suck at that sport, subject, instrument, etc. forever if you don't give up! You won't feel broken down and weary forever if you don't quit on yourself and your God.

You see, Jesus Christ suffered the Atonement so that no weakness, mistake, or ailment need be permanent. He has given us the power to improve as long as we keep striving for that "until you're not" moment.

So if you feel like it's worth working towards, keep at it. Don't quit. You may need to take a break or slow your pace, but do not stop. Because if you do, you will not reach that moment.

You can't do it until you can. You are bad until you're good. You are broken until you are not. And that's just going to have to be enough for right now.

Don't You Dare Blow It

It's that time again. Marriage season. Not just wedding, but also engagement and anniversary season. I swear every time I get on Facebook I see another one of my friends got married or engaged. A couple of times I've scrolled through my feed to see two or three engagements practically in a row! Summer time is definitely mating season for us humans, there's no denying it.

First of all, I'm so, so excited for all of you who are newly married, celebrating your first, second, tenth anniversaries, and for all of you who just proposed or said yes. But please listen to (read?) what I'm about to say (write).

Don't blow it.

Look, I've been in love before. I know what it feels like to find (or think you've found) the one that you want to- and are planning to -spend the rest of eternity with. It is a freaking amazing feeling. You know why? Because no matter how many times single-you told yourself that you won't REALLY be a cat lady/hermit and that there really is SOMEBODY out there for you, you don't really realize just how much you absolutely didn't actually believe it until you've found it.

There is this sense of wonder. This sensational epiphany that "I didn't think that I would actually get here. But here I am." This feeling of "Someone actually loves me for me. They've seen my flaws, my quirks, my weaknesses, and they haven't run away screaming!" Holy goodness it is the BEST feeling in the world.

You're in a spot where you feel like you can take on the world as long as _____ is by your side. You'll get through any trial, any hardship, because he/she is there and he/she loves you more than anything. And you absolutely can!

But but but.

If that's going to work, you've BOTH got to be all in. And I can't speak for your S.O., but I'm not talking to them, I'm talking to you.

You need to be totally, completely, 100% honest, loyal, and committed to making this work. You have to fight harder than you've probably ever fought against Satan, because he's going to do his absolute best to ruin this for you.

I've shared bits of my story so far and I'm going to share some- and reiterate some -more here.

About a year ago, I got engaged. I didn't know that it was even possible for me to be so incredibly happy. I didn't know that it was possible for someone to fall in love with me despite my imperfections. But I was and there was! And I knew before we ever even started dating that my fiance had had a long, hard struggle with pornography. He got caught in the grasps of addiction at a young age and it took YEARS for him to get out of it. He worked really hard and finally reached sobriety. He got his eagle scout, served a mission, etc.

We discussed the possibility of issues popping up in our relationship/marriage due to his past addiction and I told him that if he did start to struggle, I wouldn't just up and leave him or anything. I would be right by his side, loving him, supporting him, and helping him to work through it. We would go to counseling together or do whatever it took to get through, and over, it. But only as long as he was completely, straightforwardly honest with me about it. Struggling with temptation? Gave in to temptation? Tell me. No secrets is all I'm asking and I promise you that I will fight for us.

Issues absolutely did arise in our relationship over time. We had talked through everything and thought that we were ready to face whatever struggles arose head on, but then mental/emotional/sexual abuse reared it's ugly head. That I was not prepared for.

We broke things off for a while. I told him that I was there for him as a friend, but nothing more. I didn't know if we could be anything more at that point and I told him so.

I had been doing everything that I could to make things work, but he hadn't been and until he did the same, I couldn't stay with him. I didn't even realize that I had been abused until after we broke things off, but there it is.

But after we broke up, he really seemed to be working so hard to overcome his struggles. He blamed depression for his actions (influenced by his previous addiction of course). He told me that he had been really struggling emotionally (which I could tell, but apparently he had been hiding the worst of his lows from me) and that he had finally decided to do something about it.

He went to a counselor, got on depression meds, met with our bishop, etc. He stopped abusing me and seemed to be going back to being the person that I had originally fallen in love with. I could see how hard he was trying to get better so that he could meet my 100% with his own.

Eventually we decided to be dating again and everything was completely different than the previous couple of months. I no longer felt like I was being abused anymore, though the scars from the previous abuse (metaphorical, not literal) had not quite healed.

We got re-engaged.

I didn't find out until over a month later that the day that he re-proposed was also the first day that he recorded me in the bathroom.

You see, about a month and a half after we got re-engaged, my fiance was arrested. A pinhole camera disguised as a towel hook was found in my college apartment bathroom. It had been placed there in the attempt of getting some footage of me going to the bathroom/getting in the shower. And it was placed there by my fiance. After everything that we had been through to try to get things together- and at the exact moment that it seemed like we finally had -he blew it.

BIG TIME.

After all of the counseling, doctor's, and bishop's appointments. After months of hardship, but seeming improvement, he was still lying. Still hiding. He didn't get better. He had just found a different way to satisfy his sexual addiction.

He didn't tell me anything. He acted like everything was great, like he was making major strides. He was not and had not.

Through my communications with the detective I learned that my fiance had hidden cameras not only in my bathroom, but also in my bedroom and in our vanity area. It was all focused on me. He was trying to get footage of me in every instance. I learned that he had first recorded me moments after asking me to be his eternal companion (for the second time). That's how far he had fallen.

People ask me if I regret dating him. If I regret getting back together with him. And I always tell them no. I don't regret it because it felt SO right at the time. I had prayed and fasted for months. Especially when the abuse started and after we broke things off and then decided to get back together. Obviously I wanted things to work out with him because I was in love with him, but I became very aware that it might be better if I just let him go.

There were so many times after we broke things off that I felt like "I can't do this. I love him so much, but I CANNOT do this anymore. It's too much. This is too hard." But every time I felt that way would get this impression to stay with him, that everything would be okay. So I stayed and stayed and stayed and things seemed to get better and I was thrilled! Still wary, still nervous, but excited!

Obviously everything did not turn out okay. But it will. Not for me and my ex (clearly) but it will for me.

But the thing is, I think that Heavenly Father was giving my ex his best chance. It's like He was saying: "You can get married to this girl. You can be happy. It's not always going to be easy, but it WILL be worth it." My ex had the chance. And he blew it.

I don't regret getting back together with him because I felt strongly that I should. I don't doubt those promptings. Things could have worked out. But they didn't. But not because it couldn't have, but because he chose to make it not work. He chose to hide things from me and everything went to pot because of it.

So I'll say it again.

DO NOT BLOW IT.

Be honest. Be loyal.

Be loyal to your person. Be loyal to yourself and your beliefs. And most importantly be loyal to God because He's the one that will get you through this crazy life of yours in the end. Happily ever after is not possible without Him.

I picked out my engagement ring completely by myself while my (then) boyfriend was working out of state for five months. It's a simple solitaire, but it's definitely not typical. As you can see, the stone is a triangle. If you've never seen this before, I'll do my best to explain:

Picture a triangle, point up. The two points at the bottom represent you and your person. You're apart from each other until you move up to the last point. That point is Heavenly Father. As you both move towards Him, you also move closer to each other. HE is what is holding you to your love. Without Him, you're just two opposite points on a line.

It is an uphill climb, but every single thing in this world that is worth having always is!

Look, losing the one that you love- the one that makes you giddy, the one that you don't feel bad asking for help from, the one that loves you- is basically the worst feeling in the entire world.

I didn't lose my ex to death. I lost him to life. A life that was being lived in a lie. A life where he was following Satan more than he was following God. I can't compare my experience to that of losing your person to death, but I'm going to come right out and say it. While both are incomprehensibly terrible, I think that this is worse.

Because I also will likely never see him again. I also lost him while I was very happily in love with him. It was just as sudden. Just as unexpected. But I also am living with the knowledge that he wasn't who I thought that he was. I'm living with the knowledge that he's still out there. I'm living in this new reality where he is very much alive, but I have to stop thinking about him. Where I still care for him and it hurts so deeply because I loved him right and he didn't reciprocate. Where I know that this man that I was in love with is going to have a really hard life that he inflicted upon himself in so many ways.

So yes. This (for me) is the worst. I hate this and I still hurt and I'm back to feeling like I'll never find my actual person and I'm going to grow up to be a cat lady (even though my head keeps trying to assure me that that is not true). Being single is hard anyway, but now I'm single and have a TON more baggage than I even already had. I'm single and terrified of dating. Terrified of pushing people away because either I'm clinging too hard or that I'm being overly critical of them because I'm terrified of being hurt again.

I'm terrified of over-scrutinizing every single guy that I meet and writing him off because I'm worried about every single little thing that seems like it might not work out and I don't want to get attached only to have my heart broken again. I'm also terrified of glossing over things that actually are important because I don't want to be alone anymore. It all contradicts but it's all in there, floating around in my now super over-anxious brain.

And that sucks.

But I tell you what, I'd rather be single and terrified, single and hurting, than be with someone who pulls me down. I know that all of this horribleness is going to be worth it someday because I KNOW that Heavenly Father loves me. He loved me enough to pull me out of a relationship that had proven would not work (even if it hadn't been proven to me yet). He loved my ex enough to give him the chance to be happy, and He loves me enough to stop him before we actually tied the knot. My ex blew his chance, whether he realized it or not, and Heavenly Father wasn't going to put me through more hell than I was already going to have to go through once my ex was exposed.

So yeah, things could have worked with me ex but they didn't. But I know that Heavenly Father will help me to find someone that will make me even happier than my ex did. And honestly, that is really hard to picture, because he did make me very happy.

But I know that every single stinking, stupid, horrid thing that I'm going through right now will be oh so worth it because of opposition in all things. My ex blew it, which resulted in me going through some really tough crap. But the blessings coming will far outweigh the crap that I'm going through now as long as I stay faithful.

So I'd rather be single than be with someone who doesn't match my old engagement ring. I don't want to be a line. I don't want to be an acute angle either where I'm running to the Lord and he's just sitting there at the bottom. I want to be a triangle. I want to be with someone who is going to run towards Christ as fast as I try to. I want someone that is not going to blow it.

Be that person. Be a triangle with your spouse/future spouse. Be committed. Be loyal. Love that person with your whole freaking heart and don't you dare let them go. It's not always going to be as easy and feel as good as it does right now. Things aren't always going to be this happy. Trials will arise and weaknesses WILL be exploited by he who wants nothing more than for you to be as miserable as he is.

Luckily, you have someone WAY stronger on your side.

So stay strong and don't you dare blow it.

Two Worlds Separated by a Year

Wow. With all of the craziness of hanging out with my little niece and nephew, I didn't realize that it was a year ago two days ago that I got engaged. I feel like I'm in a whole different world now than I was in a year ago.

In last year's world, I was very happily, newly engaged to who I thought was the love of my life. I was blissfully ignorant to the possibility of disaster striking, of my heart being broken.

In this year's world, I know better. I have felt pain and anguish unlike anything that I had ever felt before. I've experienced the loss of a loved one in a way that I would never wish on anyone.

In many ways, it's hard not to feel like I've been pushed way back in my personal development and growth due to all that had happened in the last year. My physical and mental health have both declined, getting to bed before 2 AM (let alone 3, 4, or 5) is a freaking miracle, and finding the motivation to do anything productive is often nonexistent. So basically you could say that I've taken a huge step down from where I this time last year (see this past blog post for reference).

And yet.

For all that I feel that I'm lacking right now that I had going for me a year ago, I've gained something else. I've gained experience. I've gained a knowledge of truly loving someone unconditionally... And then losing them. And that means that I've gained a much greater ability to empathize with a much wider variety of people.

I've also gained SO many amazing friends that I never would have met if I had stayed in last year's world. And I've somehow gained this ability to inspire others.

I still don't understand how I am able to help people when my tank constantly feels so very low. But I've learned that we all really help each other more than we know.

A good example is my amazing friend Madi. She's been a HUGE blessing to me. She has this way of making me feel like a million bucks. She's pretty much the sweetest person ever. And she's nailed what I need most of the time right on the head.

You see, lots of wonderful people have told me that their door is always open for me, and I appreciate that. I really, truly do. But I honestly am very unlikely to just call someone up and be like, "Hey! I've been in bed all day and feel like a bum! Let's hang out!" It's a lot better for me if people set specific dates, times, and activities with me because honestly, when I'm lonely and sad, I don't always know who to call or if I even think I can handle social interaction. I also am afraid of "inconveniencing people." I know, I know, if you said that your door is open, it's open. But depression and anxiety say "What if their busy but don't want to say no?" or "I don't want them to have to come and pick me up" or "You don't actually know them very well, so what will you guys do?"

So please know that yes, I'd love to hang out with all of the people whose doors are open, but I'm not likely to call and set up a time to come over for dinner or play games because my brain (and fatigue) give me every reason not to. But know that I would love to do those things. I could use more real meals and I absolutely LOVE games!

But I digress. Back to my example.

Madi has been so great because she will text me all the time asking if I'm available to hang out that night or if we can get a group together to play games/watch a movie that weekend. She's made it so that I have someone to hang out with almost every day (which is why I'm SO sad that she won't be here next semester!) without me being the one to reach out all the time.

Her love, support, and friendship has seriously meant the world to me. Because honestly, I have a hard time reaching out to people, even just to ask to hang out. When I'm home alone, finding the motivation to go and do anything else but chill on the couch is usually nowhere to be found. But if I've planned to do something with someone, then I sure as heck am going to get up and do it!

With all of that in mind: Madi and I were talking one night the week before we both left and I was shocked when she told me that I really helped her through this past semester. She told me that she had been struggling. She didn't really have many close friends and wasn't very happy. She told me that she had been impressed with me (we're in choir together) because it seemed like I was doing a lot (I talked about the Disciple Leadership Conference in choir, and that's really the only thing that I can think of that made me seem like a go-getter. Haha).

And then one day in class the whole choir learned about what happened with my ex-fiance. They found out that I'm actually a hot mess. And that helped Madi even more! (Wait, what?) She told me that she decided that if I could make it through the semester with all of the crap that I was (/am) going through, then she could too. And then we became really good friends, so not only did I have someone to hang out with me and get me up and doing things, but she had me too.

It blew my mind that she was so grateful to me for what I had apparently done for her when I had been feeling so incredibly blessed to have HER.

This may be my biggest take away from this year actually. Madi is a prime example, but she's not the only one. I've gotten messages from strangers telling me that I've inspired them and helped them as they are going through their own struggles. I wish that they could understand how much them telling that really helps ME. Those messages mean that I'm doing something right now that I could not have done a year ago.

In last year's world, I didn't have a blog. And even if I had, I wouldn't have anything as relatable to write about because I wouldn't have experienced any of the things that help people when they read my words.

Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough I think. I don't know that this blog post will be a help to anyone else, but that's okay, because it's helping me. It's helping me to take a deep breath and remind myself that my life is as good as it can be right now and will keep getting better. It's helping me to remember that if I can make it through this, then I can make it through anything.

It's helping me to see that where I am this year really isn't all bad. That I have a lot more this year than I did last year in SO many ways. And while there are things that I don't have this year that I had last year, I know that it's going to be okay. I've got incredible friends, adorable nephews and a sweet and sassy niece that love me, and the knowledge that when I feel that I've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up and that Christ is the Rock that's doing the heavy lifting from underneath.

Where I am now is a hard place to be in, but I'm not doing this alone. I have friends and family (AKA- angels on earth) and more importantly, I have Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by my side. And with that in mind, it's going to be a great year, no matter what is around the corner waiting for me.

And you know what? Someday I'll fall in love again with someone who truly loves me and would never, ever hurt me. And that is definitely something wonderful about the world that I'm living in now. And that makes all of this just a little bit more worth it in the end.

PS- Sorry, I always say "I've rambled on..." and then continue to ramble for a few more paragraphs. My bad.

PPS- Finding that photo for this post may or may not have made me majorly tear up. I know that it's true, but it's still difficult to feel and believe all of the time. But I know that Heavenly Father has some incredible things in store for me, and if I have to slog through some major crap to get there, so be it. I'll appreciate it all the more when I get to it.

PPPS- (Last one, promise) This is basically the theme song of my life right now and you should listen to it. ;)