It's been a while since I've felt like I needed to write without having any idea what I'm supposed to be writing about. But here we are. I even looked through my drafts and the notes on my phone where I have jotted down thoughts for the blog over the years. But nothing is sticking out, so I'm doing what I've done before and just... starting.
******Please be kind and civil in anything that you feel that you need to say to me about this post. This has been very difficult for me to write and I still feel like I haven't done any of this the justice that it deserves. My heart, my very spirit is aching and heavy******
I have very mixed emotions about the events of today. Most of the relevant posts on my timeline are mourning/outraged about Roe v. Wade being overturned. A handful, though, have been jubilant.
I don't really know how to express how I feel about the subject, mostly because I am unsure of it. I feel like I have conflicting thoughts and emotions.
On the one hand, I do feel that an unborn baby has every right to live. I can't, in good conscience, condone killing an unborn child. My very being is repulsed by the thought.
On the other hand, I also can't condone forcing a woman to give birth to a child that is threatening her life or was never meant to be in her womb. I am absolutely all for using contraception, but am also aware that rape exists. And that sometimes pregnancies happen even when there was a condom, or birth control, or whatever else in play.
In the case of an unwanted pregnancy, I huge part of me is screaming "put the baby up for adoption!" But another part of me, the part of me that understands the mental and physical effects of pregnancy and child birth, is tempering that.
I, personally, cannot comprehend killing an unborn child.
But I also have never personally been in a situation where it would ever cross my mind to do so.
My life has never been threatened by the child inside of me.
I have never carried a child that was not planned for, or even if not planned for, fully welcome.
I have so many friends that struggle with fertility. Friends who would give anything to be able to conceive and carry a child, no matter the cost to mind and body. Friends who would adopt an unwanted baby (or one who's bio parents feel unable to care for) in an instant if they could.
But their struggle does not negate the struggle of women everywhere that are facing an unwanted or dangerous pregnancy.
I am so grateful that I was on Medicaid both through most of my pregnancy and through labor and delivery, because doctor's appointments, birth, and hospital stays are EXPENSIVE. And yet abortion is often free.
I am grateful for the clinics out there whose purpose is to help those that cannot afford healthcare, but there are not enough and they usually don't have all of the necessary resources and staffing.
The changes to a woman's mind and body during and after pregnancy are varied, but often extreme.
For me, my IBS and insomnia worsened. My PTSD worsened, including not only my anxiety and depression, but my ability to focus/remember. Pregnancy brain is very real, and add that on top of a brain injury (which mental/emotional trauma is) and you've got a huge mess.
I was often in pain and pretty much always in discomfort.
I struggled with bad nausea through my entire pregnancy. My second trimester brought little of the relief that I had come to expect.
My gallbladder quit on me as a result of my pregnancy, so I dealt with extreme pain in that region both during and after pregnancy. Post birth, I had my gallbladder removed and now deal with a huge spike in reflux on a regular basis.
My arms and hands became extremely weak. Lifting a pan to pour out the grease would put me in a ton of pain and I would lose strength before finishing. The strength never fully came back.
I ended up with knee problems for most of the first year of Liam's life.
I'm still struggling with pelvic floor weakness.
I hardly lost any of my pregnancy weight and have by now gained it all back.
And the medical problems that I faced/face are tiny compared to many women that I know.
I know someone who came out of the birth of her son with allergies that she'd never had before that now effect her every day of her life, 9 years later.
I know women who LOST weight during part or throughout all of their pregnancy.
I know women who have ended up on bedrest for a good chunk of their pregnancy.
I know women that had hyperemesis gravidarum and puked their guts out through their entire pregnancies.
And these are all women that chose to put their bodies through this.
I would struggle to look a woman in the eyes that did not choose this and tell her that she has to continue. And that she has to pay financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally to do so.
With all of that said, I do feel that there are many related areas of society, law, etc that absolutely need to be made into higher priorities.
Children in "the system" need to be better provided and cared for. Adoption needs to be more accessible to those who are choosing to take another person's child into their hearts and homes. Birth control needs to be more readily accessible. Healthcare needs to be more readily accessible. Men need to be held just as responsible for a pregnancy and childcare as women are. A decent paid maternity needs to be standardized. Accessibility to breastfeeding and pumping need improvement. And so many more things than I can think of off the top of my head.
I think that when we think of abortion, we often think of men and women who are being careless and use abortion as birth control because either they don't want the inconvenience of messing with their hormones with a pill or with the quality of sex with a condom. That idea makes my stomach turn. But I feel like I can pretty safely say that it makes most women who have had abortions stomachs turn as well. Because more often than not, that is not why abortion is chosen.
I really believe that the majority of women that have chosen abortion did not come to the decision easily and did not take the matter lightly. And while some may regret their decision, most probably don't. And even the ones that don't probably hated doing it.
I am eternally grateful that it is not up to me to judge the women who have had, or would be willing to have, an abortion. Because I could never have all of the facts. I could never comprehend the fear and uncertainty that was present. I could never fully understand the circumstances that led to an unwanted pregnancy. I have never been in a situation where I have had to choose between my own well being and the well being of an unborn child.
I am so incredibly blessed to have grown up in such a way that abortion has never had to be, and never would be, an option for me. Blessed with loving, supportive adults in my life. Blessed with good education. Blessed with the gospel that has helped me to honor the both the sanctity of life and the sacredness of intimacy. Blessed with a body that was able to safely bear my child. Blessed with a life that has never seen the type of sexual assault that would result in a pregnancy that I wasn't ready for.
Not everyone has been as blessed as I have been.
All in all, do I think that there should be policies put in place to preserve the lives of unborn children? Absolutely.
But those policies should address not only abortion directly, but everything that goes in to the decision to abort. And the life of the mother, not only whether or not pregnancy/childbirth will directly kill her, but also whether she can mentally, physically, and financially handle pregnancy and childbirth. We should be doing all that we can to set our children/teenagers up for success so that they never have to face this situation. And we should be doing all that we can to support those who do face it.
And I believe even those who are rejoicing right now should also be mindful of those who are hurting. I believe that we should all have compassion for those who are feeling trapped in their situation.
If we could all do more for humanity, then maybe we will someday live in a world that sees very few situations where abortion would even be considered.
All of this to say that my heart hurts both for those who have died via abortion, but also for those who have lived through it. It hurts me deeply that our society is struggling so greatly that abortion is even an issue that needs to be so thoroughly discussed.
I look at my own child and my heart shouts prolife. But I look at the lives of those who would even consider taking the life of an unborn child because that legitimately seems to be the best option to them and another part of me whispers prochoice.
The scriptures say "thou shalt not kill" but also say "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort."
I have to believe that there is a way for me to love and care about the life of both an unborn child, and the one who carries them. I can only hope and pray that I figure out how to properly do so in a way that feels acceptable to my heart and soul and to Those who gave us life.
I'm sitting here, terrified of posting this. Feeling like I'm about to bawl. Worrying about what people on every side of this issue will think and say.
I'm literally not even sending this to my friend to be proofread like I do every single other time I post because I'm so anxious (so please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors).
But all I know is that this is the first time that I have felt so strongly like I needed to write something in a while, and this was the only thing that I felt like needed to be said right now in the midst of so many other important things that I could write about.
I try very hard to stay out of politics as much as I can. Partially because I often do have a very in-between stance on things, as with this, but also because I absolutely loathe confrontation. And I especially hate the thought of confrontation about a subject that I feel so incredibly unsure about. But I do feel that this is what I was supposed to write about right now.
I am aching to my core for the unwanted souls within the wombs of women everywhere. I am also aching for a world that feels the need for abortion. I am aching for those whose circumstances have made them feel the need for abortion. I am also aching for those who would give anything to be able to carry a child in their womb and in their arms.
And I am sitting here wondering how my Heavenly Parents feel about what I am feeling and that is only ramping up the anxiety.
But I'm trying to trust that this is something that I have been prompted to open up about. I am trusting that They know and understand my confusion and fear just as much as they understand the confusion and fear of those that this all effects.
So now all I can ask you do to is to try your best to be understanding and compassionate too.
