Ever since I got married, I've thought a lot about the type of example that my husband and I will set for our future children. Now that I'm pregnant, that thought has been on my mind even more and I've found that it all boils down to this:
Date who you want to raise, be who you want to raise.
Does your significant other treat you the way that you would want your child to be treated? Is the way that he/she makes you feel the way that you would ever want your child to feel? Do they treat you the way that you would want your child to treat another person? Especially one that they are supposed to love?
If the answer is no, then there are a couple of problems here. 1- YOU probably shouldn't be with that person, because if you wouldn't want someone else to be treated or treat someone the way that you are being treated, then you don't deserve to be treated that way either! 2- Your SO is who your child will be watching and learning from. If your SO treats you poorly, then your child will learn both that that is an acceptable way to treat someone and that it is an acceptable- or at least tolerable -way to be treated.
It's been really easy for me to pinpoint things about Jonathan that I'm concerned about our kids picking up because- surprise surprise -he's not a perfect person.
BUT. I have also been recognizing things within myself that I want to change because I don't want to teach them to my kids because guess what? I'm not a perfect person either.
And that is probably even more important than recognizing things in your SO. Sometimes in life, we end up in situations that are (or at least seem to be) inescapable. You can end up recognizing that you are in a bad situation, but not have a good out. And so you have to do the best with what you have.
Maybe you're married with kids to an abusive spouse, but you have no means to care for your children on your own, have no where to go, and/or are afraid that the legal system will let you down as it has let so many others down, leaving your children with the abuser without you there as a protection and buffer. In this case, you may not be able to separate your child from a bad example. But you can still set a good example for them.
Allow your children to see the imperfections. Teach them what to look out for, what is okay and what isn't. Help them to distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, even if the unacceptable behavior is in their own home.
Now I understand that this is easier said than done. You still live with the person and rely on them to a certain extent, or maybe you are separated and have partial custody of your child. I can see that this would be a difficult line to walk as you don't want to pit them against their parent, but also want them to be safe and well.
All I can say is that if you do your very best to be a good example, to show them how one person should treat another human being, then they at least will have the opportunity to discern for themselves what is right and what is wrong.
It is so important to be the person that you want your child to emulate. You, as their parent, are one of the people that they will spend the most time with in the formative years of their lives. If you want to raise a child that is kind to others, then you must be kind to others. If you want to raise a child that is patient in trials, then show them how to face trials with faith and hope.
If you are still in the phase of dating where you have an out (or even possibly in your marriage) and you find that the man or woman that you are with treats you or others in a way that you would never want your child to be treated or treat someone else, then get out now. Yes, people can change. Yes, growth and learning will occur in different stages of life. But you should never delve deeper into a relationship with someone that doesn't display acceptable traits right now.
I have found that it is often only too easy to allow ourselves to be mistreated. But if you look at your treatment of and from others through the lens of your (future) child, then you may get a more realistic view of how your love and emotions are being handled by someone else.
Don't allow yourself to be, or be with, a person that you would not want your child to learn from.
Date who you want to raise. Be who you want to raise.
Because they will be watching and learning from you every day of their lives.
For my husband and I, we are doing our best to recognize our faults and work on them so that we can be the best examples for our child that we can be. We support each other in this endeavor and do our best to be patient with each other's progress, slow as it may be at times. Neither of us are perfect right now, and we will not be in this life. But if our child can see us actively working on improving each day, then we will still be setting the kind of example that I want him to have.
Your child doesn't need you to be perfect. They need to see that you're not, but that you are willing to recognize that without wallowing in it and are willing to work on becoming better. If you were perfect, then your child would feel that they could never measure up to your example. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Then show your child what to do when a weakness is identified. That will be the best example of all.
It's not about being perfect or being with someone perfect. You don't have to be perfect to set a good example. You simply have to be trying your best. And that will be more than enough.
