It's Not the Year, It's You

*I promise I'm not trying to demotivate you, read to the end*

"I can't WAIT for 2017 to be over!"

I've thought those words to myself over and over again throughout this year. Well, not those words exactly. It was actually more along the lines of "maybe I'll just get all of the bad stuff over with in 2017, and so then 2018 will just be great!" Always said sarcastically, but somewhere inside of me I hope that it's true.

And that's dumb.

Because my life isn't going to change drastically when midnight hits tonight. My PTSD isn't going to dissipate, and I'm not going to all of a sudden have financial stability, and an amazing boyfriend, and a kitten. Unfortunately, that's not how that works.

I think that we all kind of get into the hype of the new year. You know, "Everything is going to be different in 2018! Things are going to work out! I'm going to work out! And I'm going to be more disciplined in my studies, and work harder at my job, and spend more time with my family, and, and, and..."

But the thing is, January 1st isn't all of a sudden going to feel different to you. It's just going to be another day of the week. And if you didn't start changing things on the 31st of December, why is everything all of a sudden going to be so different now?

It's like on your birthday when people ask you "Do you feel older?" No. I don't. (Except for when I turned 23. All of a sudden I was closer to 25 than 20 and I became "middle-aged" for a college student). And I don't feel wiser or more likely to make better life decisions than I did 24 hours ago either. Because on February 8, 2018, my life isn't all of a sudden going to change because I'll be 24. And on January 1, 2018, my life isn't all of a sudden going to change either.

Because it isn't the year that makes me sad and it isn't the year that makes me unmotivated. It's me. It's depression. It's trauma. It's my life. And a few hours difference between Dec. 31st and Jan. 1st isn't going to change that.

We need to stop being so caught up in how different our lives are going to be in 2018 than they were in 2017. Because you know what? January 2018 is going to feel an awful lot like December 2017. Setting goals is great, but setting a huge goal that you give up on immediately because, "Oh well, I guess I blew it for this year. Maybe next year!" isn't going to get you anywhere. Just like it didn't last year.

Because you're going to fail. And if you give up after one fail, you're not going to get anywhere. You're going to fail a lot before you succeed. (See this blog post for more on that). That's kind of how that works. So your goal shouldn't be about the year, it should be about you. Bettering your life and yourself. Making the world a better place for those around you. Whether 2018 is good for you or not depends on whether you rest your goals and your life on 2018, or if you rest it on your own shoulders. And whether you pray about those goals so that Christ takes that weight onto His shoulders as well.

The thing is, there is a lot to be learned from every single year of your life.

I taught a Sunday School lesson our last Sunday before Christmas break and we talked about this. I asked my students to do something hard. I asked them to pull out a phone or notebook or some sort of object on which to take notes. And then I asked them to write down the single worst thing that happened to them all year. Cheery lesson, no?

And then I told them about the worst thing that happened to me this year. And I told them about how hard it's been. But I told them that I have learned SO much from that singular event. The lessons were painfully earned, but have been very valuable to me. And I've been able to take the things that I've learned and start figuring out how to use them. I've found my passion and am in the process of changing what I thought that I was going to do with my life as a result. This blog that you're reading is one of the most prominent uses of all that I've learned this year. But it's not the only way that I've applied the lessons learned.

So I asked my class to then take a few minutes to write down all that they learned from the trial. Or all that they could learn, if they hadn't quite gotten to the point of recognizing the good that comes from the bad. (D&C 58:4 and 1 Nephi 20:10 are helpful scriptures for this.)

My 2017 is best described by one of my all time favorite talks:

Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.

So basically it's been a real sucky year.

But it's also been one of the best years of my life in SO many ways.

I am extremely grateful for all that I've learned and the ways that I've grown. Yes I'm still struggling, and yes, I wouldn't necessarily complain if 2018 magically decides that this is the year that everything works out in my life, but it's okay if it doesn't. Things are still going to suck for a while, but I've dealt with it this long, so I'm sure that I can deal with it for a little bit longer.

Because if things do change, it will be because I took teeny-tiny steps to change them. I'm filing some goals away in my brain that I'll be working towards; get a job, become more self-sufficient, be able to take more than a few credits at a time, stop being terrified of dating, get on a better sleep schedule, etc. But none of those things will happen if I place them on 2018. I have to face up to them myself. I have to start by setting much smaller goals, like turning in a resume, working on focusing on anything for more than 10 minutes without distraction (my blog and Oathbringer are the only things that I can really focus on for any decent amount of time at the moment), going on dates (*shudders*), and consistently getting to bed before 3 AM before trying to just jump to going to bed at 11:30.

And honestly, these are goals that I've been trying to work on all throughout this year already.

And while 2017 has been super rough, I can't blame the calendar for my lack of progress. And I can't expect 2018 to surge motivation into me either. I need to have the same caliber of motivation (or more realistically, determination) every single day that everyone seems to have at the very end of each year.

Every year is going to be hard to some extent. But that doesn't mean that you should just label a year "a bad year" and simply pop a squat and twiddle your thumbs while you wait for the next January 1st to come around. Because that is not doing yourself any favors. (And I don't know what squats did to deserve to be popped).

So I'm going to give you some questions to think about:

1. Who do you want to be in 2018? What is holding you back from being that person?

2. Where do you want to be by the end of 2018? What is holding you back from being there now?

3. Why are these things important to you? Are they important enough to motivate change?

4. What are you going to do about it? What little things are you going to do every day to get to
     where you want to be?

5. Are the things that you just listed realistic? Are they too big? Will you get overwhelmed? Are they
     too small? Will you end up pushing them off?

6. What are some universal things that will help with any goal?

I'm going to give you some answers for that last question.

Here are some simple, fail-safe things that you can start doing now that will help you to achieve absolutely anything:

-Study your scriptures daily. Quality over quantity. If you only get a couple of verses in, think   about why those verses were important enough to include in the scriptures. Pray before you   study and ask Heavenly Father to help you to understand something that you need to right now.
-Pray constantly. Not just at night and in the morning. Pray before you try to take one of the steps       that will lead you to your goal. Pray in those moments where motivation is nowhere to be found   and you're feeling discouraged. He'll be there listening.
-Set goals and make plans. Setting goals is great! But if you don't make plans, you're not going to   reach them. Figure out what little things you can start doing that will help you to get closer to your   goals.
-Be realistic with your goal setting.  Don't set yourself up to fail. Set realistic expectations for yourself. Make viable plans that won't be too overwhelming to add to your daily schedule. Realize that you're going to fail at times and that that's okay. Nothing worth doing is done perfectly the first time.
-Don't try to work on too many goals all at once. Maybe this year you want to lose weight, get up   earlier, swear less, become a better cook, use social media less, and have more meaningful studies.   Awesome! But if you try to improve in all of those things simultaneously, it's going to be way   overwhelming and you'll more than likely end up not doing any of it in the end. Pick a couple of   goals at a time and really focus on those until they start to become second nature. Then- and only   then -should you add the steps to another goal to your daily routine.
-Remember that every little success is just that, a success. No matter how inane. Read this right   after you finish reading my post. I'm dead serious. It will help you get into the right mindset as you begin working on   your goals.
-Be accountable to someone. Have someone on your team to help you to remember all that you are   trying to do as well as to give you an extra little bit of motivation to do it. You can also recommit to   your goals each morning as you pray and then give an account to Heavenly Father at the end of each   day.
-Make sure that your goals are helping you to be who God needs you to be. Becoming what Heavenly Father wants you to become will bring you greater joy than you could ever imagine. The "becoming" process is rarely (if ever) easy, but it is definitely worth it. I really believe that. The most   meaningful things in my life right now are a direct result of the worst/hardest things that I've ever   gone through.
-Trust that Heavenly Father really will be there every single step of the way as you seek to do   good. Heavenly Father can give you strength to help you take every one of those steps. Sometimes   it's the smallest steps that are hardest to take. The ones that seem insignificant. But He knows that   every little bit of effort is crucial to success, He knows how hard that effort can be to give, and He   loves you enough to take every step seriously. I love Doctrine and Covenants 84:76-88 where it  talks all about how the Lord's servants will be strengthened and taken care of as they go out to do His will. It's focused more specifically on missionary work, but I really believe that these verses apply to every single person that is seeking to do good in any way, both for themselves and others.

Verse 88 is one of my favorites:

And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.

Look, I get it. Achieving goals can seem impossibly difficult at times. And it's easy to get so frustrated at yourself as you stumble over and over again on the simplest little things. But keep going. Nothing is ever going to change if you don't.

So start small. Start today. Don't give up. Keep trying. And TRUST GOD.

Because really, it's not the change of the year that is important. It's the change in you.

Ps- I wanted to share some pictures that I've found recently that resonated with me as I've had this post on my mind.

Like I said, every single teensy bit of effort can drastically change your life. Whether your future changes or not is on you. Take that seriously. And remember that you're not in this alone. You have friends and family and you have God. 

You've got this.

Holidays are Hard

*When I talk about my ex, having someone missing etc., I am referring to my ex fiance, not my more recent ex boyfriend. In my blog in general I am almost always referring to my ex fiance unless I specify otherwise.*

So I meant to have this post together before Christmas, but that clearly didn't happen. But I think that it's better this way because now I can give insights from both before and after.

You see, holidays are wonderful, but they can also be really, really hard. Especially if you've lost someone. For many, there's a hole in your heart and an empty seat at the hearth where that person used to be. You remember many a holiday with them in it, and facing it without them is unbearable.

For me, I never had a big holiday with my ex except for Halloween (which is actually the only holiday that I've EVER been in a relationship for and have been in one for the last three Halloweens. Strange, no?). But since I was going to get married, I thought that I would never have to spend another holiday without a person ever again.

You see, my family lives all over the United States, and my parents are back over in Pennsylvania, so... not close. People ask me how long of a drive it is and I always say "about two days if you don't sleep at all. Which we have done."

The point is, I don't get to go home and spend holidays with my family very often. Usually, Christmas is the one time in the entire year that I see my family. Other than that, I'm in Idaho. And because of that, the thought of having a husband to spend holidays with was wonderful! Because then even if we couldn't afford to be with family, we still would be with family because we would have each other.

But I didn't get married. And then we couldn't afford for me to go home for Christmas this year. And so I got a bit of a double whammy. Not only was I not going to be with my family, but I also didn't have my own little two-person family anymore either.

I have felt "homeless" in a sense an awful lot in my life. Not that I haven't had a roof over my head, place to sleep, etc. but more of the "home is where the heart is" sense where I haven't been with family or felt like I was in a place that I really belonged. It's the idea of having a go-to place to go for any particular holiday. The place where you automatically plan on going. Oftentimes, that is your family's house. Or the house of your spouse's family. But I haven't had that. I scrounge for a place to go for holidays.

So in that sense, I have been "homeless" for every single holiday this year.

And honestly, that has been really, really hard.

It's crazy how one person leaving you (whether from death, a break up, or whatever else) creates a complete paradigm shift in your life. Nothing is how you thought it would be. For me, I feel extra "homeless" this year because I thought that I would finally have my own little family to share the holidays with. And not only that, but if we ever couldn't go see my family in PA, we could spend Christmas with his family that lived nearby. If nothing else, I was at least supposed to at least have my husband for the holidays for the rest of my life. And if I had my husband, we would be "home" for the holidays no matter where we were.

So even though I've never had a person for a really major holiday, I can still very much feel a void where he was supposed to be. I still feel a heavy sense of loss. All of the "it could have beens" and "it should have beens" cut like a knife. And then the memories of all that happened around this time of year cuts even deeper. Because it was in Oct 2016-Jan 2017 that everything started to fall apart. The abuse, the break-up, the months of turmoil, the re-engagement, the arrest, and anything else that I'm not thinking of that falls in there as well.

So all of that has mixed with lots of other emotions that have been swirling around inside of me as of late. I summed it up pretty well as I was texting my friend the day that I left Idaho for Christmas break:

I'm just really done with this week. I've been getting increasingly stressed over the last couple of weeks and it's all kind of come to a head over the last few days. I've sobbed two and a half times today. So that's fun

That sounds rough :/ What are you stressed about?

I've been trying to figure that out, haha

But I think that I pinned a lot of it down today

First of all, I think that the time of year is getting to me. It was Oct-Jan last year that everything in my life started going to pot.

Also the holiday season is hard because I wasn't supposed to be homeless for another holiday because I was going to be married. And finances and finding a job is stressing me out a ton still.

I don't know

It's just the whole "I do better for a while and then all of a sudden am a ball of anxiety again" thing

Also the end of the semester I think it's just hard in general because change is hard for me right now.

And I feel dumb for even being so stressed when I didn't even have finals or anything to worry about.

And so I'm spiraling which I REALLY try to avoid doing because it just makes me more stressed

And I just now remembered [ex's] birthday is in a few days.

Crap. His birthday is the day that I'm going to see Star Wars. Which is his favorite thing. And the last Star Wars movie I saw in the theater was with him. For his birthday.

So now that I've realized that, Tuesday's going to be even harder than it was already likely to be.

I'm sorry :/

It's... Not fine. But I'll live

I'm going to stop there for the moment.

So yeah, in the last couple of months, it's kind of felt like everything has been combining against me. Which means that going into the holidays, I've had an awful lot on my mind. Not only have I been dealing with the pains of what happened last year at this time, but then there have also been the end-of-semester concerns. The biggest one being the intense worry about finances, which then adds to the holiday season stress because I have been feeling bad that I couldn't really get anyone presents since I'm not even sure how exactly I'll be paying for rent, food, and, you know, life next semester.

And so Christmas has basically been overshadowed by an awful lot of stress and anxiety.

But here's something that I've learned over the past few years where I have often not had a "go-to" place to go for the holidays; I can find family wherever I go.

I've spent the last three Thanksgivings with three different families in three different states. I spent this past Easter with a former roommate that I wasn't super close to, but who is now one of my best friends. And then there's Christmas.

I do have one brother that lives in Utah (but is coming up to BYUI next month! Woot!), so I've spent some time with him. We celebrated the Eve of Christmas Eve together (we have a family tradition that day that is one of my absolute favorites). I ended up bawling that night as I prayed before I went to sleep, but I still got to do the tradition and I got to do it with an actual family member, which is really nice.

Christmas Eve, my brother and I had Christmas dinner with the family of some of our friends. They had us participate in the Nativity with the other kids. He was the ever-coveted donkey (not even joking, everyone wanted to be the donkey), and I was cast as Mary (which means that I got to sit on my brother, so that was great ;) ). We were going to leave when they started opening family presents, but then they told us that they actually had presents for us too.

While it was hard not to feel really out of place, it was still amazing to see how much they really tried to make us a part of their family for the night.

Then Christmas. I've been staying with the same friend that I had Easter with and have been a part of three different family events. And then my brother and I went to her family's house after Christmas Eve dinner and stayed the night there. The next morning, there was a small pile of presents from us. My brother had a handful of presents from family members and I had some from one of my other brothers. But we also each had a couple from my friend's parents. The mom's family came in the evening, and they had some little things for us too.

I can't help but be amazed by all of the people that have "adopted" me into their families over the years. Who have let me participate in their family's traditions, let me do a few of my own, and have done all that they can to help me to not feel like an outsider, but rather a part of the family.

So yeah, this has still been a pretty rough few weeks. And I have absolutely cried. And I'm sure I'll cry some more. And I'm still going to stress and worry. And I've honestly been straight up exhausted every single day because depression, so have spent a lot of time sleeping. But I have really tried hard not to let Satan win over me this Christmas. I've done my best to embrace being part of this family, even if only for a few weeks. And while I have cried, I have also laughed a lot. I've had a lot of fun! And I have felt a lot of love and appreciation for these people.

And I've also remembered something. 

Christ was essentially "homeless" on the day of his birth. His birth wasn't celebrated with lots of family. Cousin Elizabeth wasn't there and grandparents weren't there either. He didn't even have an actual house to be taken to when he was born. Instead, He was born in a stable (and then went on to another city for the census I would assume before ever making it home to Nazareth).

And sure He had his parents there with him that day, but other than that, His birth was celebrated with a handful of strangers, some sheep, a worn old donkey, and perhaps some cows, chickens, and horses. And not only that, but He practically had a bounty on His head from the moment He was born. 

And yet that day of Nativity is still celebrated today. Not for the grandeur of the day, but for the simplicity. For it mattered not that there was no house, no crib, and hardly any family. All that mattered was that a little baby was born that day that would grow up to become the Savior of us all. A Savior who would go on to feel every bit of the holiday blues that go around. 

And the thing is, if we let Him into our hearts- in this time and at all times -we never will truly be without for the holidays. Because Christ has felt all of the pain that this time may bring, He knows how to help you get through it. And He sends angels to take you under their wing and help you to feel like you're still a part of something. 

To close, I wanted to share some of what my friend replied to me after my long, long list of concerns (what you read is the abbreviated version):

It's okay to have rough moments or moments when you feel like you are spiraling. It matters more what you do after you get through those moments. Remember to celebrate the little successes, Anna :) ESPECIALLY when it's hard to do so!! Don't worry about telling me about all of this. A true friend listens and helps, right? :)

Here's some other things to remember. You have friends who love you and are understanding towards your trials. These true friends don't think you are being flaky or ditching them. They understand because they care about you. Genuinely :)

You also know that this time of year will be harder. Since you know this going into the season, give yourself some slack. Will you be at your best? Probably not. But, you already have enough stuff that is difficult and stressful. Be your own cheerleader, not your own critic. You needn't be harder on yourself and add unnecessarily to your load. Be kind to yourself and have faith in others' genuine kindness towards you ESPECIALLY in this season. You are loved dear Anna, by me and many others :)

There may be dark days ahead, but there are sources of light that can help you through it, especially on the days the sun is hidden. Your flame may not always feel bright but consistency is the most important. And trust me when I say that one thing you are is consistent and determined. We all have a light flicker from time to time. It's important to not let it go out, even if it's just a spark at times :)

Man oh man reading those texts made me cry.

But he's absolutely right.

Holidays are hard, but we know that going into them. So it really is okay to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to take a moment every so often to feel sad. But then it is also more than okay to take a deep breath, give a good "not today Satan," and look around you to see all of the good that is there. Acknowledge the pain, but don't let it overcome you and ruin a perfectly good holiday. And remember that whatever your circumstances, no matter who or what is missing from your holiday, you are never, ever alone. And remember that there are an awful lot of people who care about you, and that Christ loves you most of all.

Merry Yesterday was Christmas everyone! I hope that it was great for you, but if it wasn't, remember that you are not the first to have a Christmas riddled with sadness and worry. Christ has been there. And He has been to the very Christmas that you had yesterday and feels for you. 

Holidays can be hard, but never harder than Christ can help you overcome.

PS- There are a couple of Christmas-related Facebook posts that I wanted to share with this blog post and I'm not totally sure if I can just share a link to the posts and have you find them, so I'm just going to share them here:

This is a status that I posted earlier this year:

Tonight I was studying about the birth of Christ and the events leading up to it and Luke 1:30 got me thinking.

It says "And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God."

Soak that in for a minute. "thou hast found favor with God."

So that means that her life is going to be a cake-walk from here on out, right? Heavenly Father loves her, so her life is going to be easy-peasy and all trials will magically melt away. Right?

Nope. There's a trend that you might notice in the scriptures where those who are God's "Chosen people" or favored of Him tend to face a lot of challenges.

Sticking with the example of Mary, let's look at her life a bit. She almost lost her fiance because she was all of a sudden pregnant. She had to ride for miles on a donkey while hugely pregnant and then give birth to her precious son in a nasty stable.

Think of it: Nowadays people are nervous to have babies in pristine hospital rooms where everything has been sterilized and they are surrounded by people who have been trained and certified to help deliver babies.

And then there's Mary, who is likely laying on the ground with only straw between her and dirt (not to mention a high likelihood of excrement). Her "midwife" is her husband Joseph who likely knows very little about delivering babies. And she doesn't even have a nice clean place to lay her newborn baby. The best she's got is a trough with the cleanest hay that they could find and only a simple blanket in-between her brand new baby and horse saliva.

I can't imagine that that was quite the ideal for childbirth, even way back when.

And then Mary and her small family had to run to Egypt so that her little baby boy wouldn't be murdered.

But she was highly favored of the Lord. She was told not to be afraid. Because being highly favored doesn't mean that you are all of a sudden privileged with a stress-free life. But what it DOES mean is that we don't have to be afraid. We have shown our faith in God and found favor with Him, so He is going to take care of us. There will be trials- heartache and hardship and flat out agony -but there will also be enormous blessings.

What is the likelihood that a baby born under conditions such as Christ's would live? How many men in that time would listen when told (even by an angel) that their fiance was pregnant, but to marry her anyway? And then that same man would be visited again by and angel to be warned that his son's life is in danger?

With every single trial there were inexplicable blessings. Time and time again Mary was faced with blockades, and time and time again the Lord helped her climb over them.

So if you are in a time of great trial, do not feel that God has abandoned you. Know that He is putting His trust in you. He sees your strength and the capacity that you have to overcome. He loves you and is with you always. Fear not, the Lord has found favor with you and will help you. You are bound for greatness.

You are joining the ranks of incredible men and women such as Mary and Joseph, Nephi, Alma, Paul, and Daniel. You are in good company.

#sharegoodness #youarestrongerthanyouthink

And this is a status that Al Fox Carraway posted just a few days ago:

HEAR ME OUT: Mary is now in the last few days of her pregnancy, (sympathsizing cuz those are the hardest days!) I’m sure you’ve thought of the discomfort she was in, or of all the opportunities that came up that didn’t work out for her—was it because Mary was being punished? Did she do something wrong? No, not at all! 

*BUT- have you ever thought that Christ could have been born at ANY MOMENT during their travels- but He wasn’t-not until they were where GOD wanted them to be.

It may not have seemed ideal to Mary or Joseph, it may not have been what they had in mind. But surely, the birth of Christ was profoundly perfect in every way. It was the best way, rather than a good, or a better. B/c it was according to God’s plan. Would the Shepard’s have found them if they were somewhere else? Would everything else fall into place if things were different? Idk...

What I’m saying is, wait for your “manger.” Wait for your something ‘best,’ rather than settling for something ‘good.’ Wait for your something “perfect” according to HIM. I know it can be hard & full of discomfort, just like Mary, but when you see opportunities pass, keep going w/ faith knowing there IS something else to come. That you are not being punished. That maybe some things are pending until you’re where He wants you to be. That maybe it’s not what you desired or in your time frame, but when it comes- it will not just bless you, but profoundly help & bless others b/c of it. Because you waited. Because you trusted Him. Because you know that ‘He will not fail thee!’ (Deut. 31: 6)

For Those Who Know Part 4: This Isn't the End of Love

So this was actually going to be Part 5, not Part 4, but this weekend is significant and I felt like I needed to write this now.

You see today, December 9th, is the year mark of when my ex re-proposed to me. Which means that it is also the year mark of the first time that he hid a camera and recorded me in the bathroom. The idea that he betrayed me so deeply moments after asking me to marry him is still the biggest slap in the face for me out of everything that he did. 

I remember the day that the detective called and asked me about some of the footage that they found. He said that there was one video that didn't match the rest and then described what the location looked like, what I was wearing, etc. When I realized what it was, it's like everything everything that had been threatening to crush me up until that point finally flattened me. I could tell him the exact date of that video because it had (previously) been a really special day.

Anyway, because of what happened a year ago today, I think that Saturday is the perfect time to talk about how terrifying love is.

Disclaimer: As always, I write this from the female perspective. But I do know that abuse goes both ways, so if you're a guy reading this, this is for you too.

Here's the thing. When you are deep inside of an abusive relationship, you realize that you're being treated differently than you were before, but you often don't realize that you're being abused. I've talked about this pretty in depth previously, so I'm going to leave it at that.

But the problem is, even though you may realize that things have changed and that you're not as happy as you were before (and that you're actually quite miserable much of the time), you still love your person. You have invested so much of yourself into that person that you honestly can't imagine life without them, even if it would probably be better in the end. 

When I was in the middle of all of the abuse last September/October, I really did start to realize that things were drastically different. 

I have a folder on my computer labeled "[ex's name]" where I kept letters that I had written to him both while we were doing long distance and since he'd gotten back. 

One day during the period of abuse, I re-read one of my letters to him. It listed all of the reasons that I loved him. As I read it over, I realized that almost every single point on that list was no longer true. Not that I no longer appreciated those things, but that those things no longer applied to him.

Needless to say, that bothered me a lot. But did I leave him? No. Because even though I was fully aware that he had changed drastically, I was in too deep at that point to just leave. 

There definitely were moments when I realized that I would probably be better off without my ex. But did I do anything about it? No.

I didn't for a few reasons: 

1- No matter what he did to me, I still loved him. It wasn't something that I could just turn off. 

2- I didn't know how to live my life without him in it anymore. So I couldn't just leave him, even if he did make my life worse. I was more afraid of losing what was familiar to me than I was of being hurt. 

3- I was so down on myself by then, I felt like this was my only chance. I wasn't even good enough for my ex, but he stayed with me for some reason. So if I wasn't even good enough for him, there was no way that I would ever find someone else to take me. 

4- We're always taught that any relationship can work out if you put in the effort. You don't just give up on love. This applies more to married couples (and I'll touch on that later, so stay with me), but my ex and I were almost married, so I felt like it was the same for me.

Okay, so another reason that I wanted to write this post now instead of my original Part 4 is because of the Christmas Devotional this past Sunday. Sister Cristina B. Franco shared a quote by John A. Widstoe that I knew needed to be part of this post.

“The full and essential nature of love we may not understand, but there are tests by which it may be recognized.

“Love is always founded in truth. … Lies and deceit, or any other violation of the moral law, are proofs of love’s absence. Love perishes in the midst of untruth. … Thus, … [he] who falsifies to his loved one, or offers her any act contrary to truth, does not really love her.

“Further, love does not offend or hurt or injure the loved one. … Cruelty is as absent from love … as truth is from untruth. …

“Love is a positive active force. It helps the loved one. If there is need, love tries to supply it. If there is weakness, love supplants it with strength. … Love that does not help is a faked or transient love.


“Good as these tests are, there is a greater one. True love sacrifices for the loved one. … That is the final test. Christ gave of Himself, gave His life, for us, and thereby proclaimed the reality of his love for his mortal brethren and sisters.”

I listened to those words and just thought to myself, THESE are completely valid reasons for leaving someone. Read that quote again. If you think about your significant other in these terms, does it show that they actually love you?

I agree that you should never just give up on a deep relationship. Every relationship will have it's problems at some point. You're putting two completely different people together, obviously there are going to be things that you feel differently about. But most things can be worked through. As long as both people are working on it. It can't just be a one-sided effort. It HAS to be both.

But if you are with someone who hurts more than helps and hates more than loves, GET OUT.

I'm going to talk to two different groups of people here. First are those of you who are NOT married, but are in some sort of relationship that tears you down more than lifts you up.

I need you to know that that is not okay. I need you to know that this isn’t your only chance for love.  It really, truly isn’t. If we're being honest, it really isn't even A chance for love at all at this point because if a person hurts you more than he heals you, then he doesn't truly love you.

For those who ARE married, this is where things get touchy.

Let me preface this by saying that I am not advocating giving up on your marriage. I do believe that divorce should be a last resort.

With that being said. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I just told those who aren't married. If your spouse hurts you over and over again and isn't putting in the effort to overcome their abusive tendencies, then GET OUT.

I need you to understand that Heavenly Father wants SO much better for you. He doesn’t want you to be with someone who doesn’t see your value. It’s honestly better to be alone than to be with someone who pulls you down. You can’t fully allow Heavenly Father to lift you up if you are simultaneously allowing someone to constantly yank you down.

The Plan of Salvation is centered on the family. But if your spouse makes it more difficult for you to be the best you, dampens the joy in both you and your children's lives, and does not treat you as an equal partner, then they're not helping you and your family to achieve exaltation. Heavenly Father wants you and your family to return to Him and receive all that He has. So why would He require you to stay with someone who inhibits the progress of you and your children?

Furthermore, is your spouse the kind of person that you want your kids to model their lives and behaviors after? Do you want you sons to treat women the way that your spouse treats you? Do you want your daughters to think that that's all that they can and should expect from men? Children are influenced the most by what happens in the home. Do they have a safe, loving environment to learn in?

Let me say right here that I really do believe that any issue absolutely can be overcome. But again, it needs to be a team effort. I tried to fix everything all on my own. Granted, I did give my ex plenty of opportunities to work WITH me, but he didn't take them. And so everything seemed to rest on my shoulders. 

That is NOT how relationships should work. We are to be a help meet to each other. Heavenly Father never meant for one person to do it all. He created both Adam and Eve for a good reason. They each needed the other to accomplish God's will and to find joy.

So yes, do all that you can to work things out. It absolutely is possible. But realize that there comes a point where you need to take a step back and recognize where the effort is coming from and where it is not. If both of you are making a concentrated effort, wonderful! Keep at it! If not, it's time to take a good long look at that. 

If you see that the other person is trying harder than you, then it's time to check yourself and do better. But if you realize that you are working hard and they are not, and that they haven't been despite telling repeatedly telling you that they'll do better, then it might be time to let go.

I understand that divorce is scary. Especially if you have kids, and especially in the church. And I acknowledge that I have not been through a divorce. Thankfully, everything came to light before I was actually married. But I've said it before and I'll say it again; it is better to be without a significant other than to be with someone who is significantly horrible to you.

To both parties:

You may feel like this is it for you. If you're not with _____, then you're going to be alone. Permanently. You feel like this because he's made you feel crappy about yourself. You may even feel like this because you felt like you would never find someone even before you found _____. But I think that we mostly feel like this because we feel terribly broken.

We think "Why in the world would anyone want to be with me now? Why would someone want to be with the mess that I've become?" We often feel weak, and helpless, and irreparable. But let me tell you something; someone will love you for who you are, AS you are. 

Because you are still amazing. And I hate to even use the word "still", because that makes it sound like either you’re less amazing than before or that it should be expected that you wouldn't BE as amazing after what you’ve been through. I hate the word “still” because you aren’t “still amazing.” 

No. Not still. 

You are even MORE amazing than ever before. You have proven yourself to be SO strong. And someone will recognize that in you. Others won't, and you know what? That honestly is their loss. But you can't worry about those guys because there are always going to be those guys, no matter what. With any relationship, you're going to go through "those guys" before you find the right guy. 

And there really are other guys (GOOD GUYS) out there, just waiting to find an amazing girl like you. And you might not find them tomorrow. Or even this year. And I hate to say it, but you might not even find them in this life. But I promise you that there is an amazing guy out there for you. And if you don't find them as soon as you hope, I promise you again that being single is always going to be better than being in an abusive relationship. 

Let me say it again. Heavenly Father does not want you to be with someone who pulls you down! That’s not what His plan is all about and He loves you so much more than that!

Concerning the terror of leaving, I wanted to share a quote that has always stuck with me. It's actually from Taylor Swift's album called Fearless. In the front cover, she says:

To me, Fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears, Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before... Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's Fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even though you can't breathe without them... And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's Fearless to stop believing them. It's Fearless to say "you're NOT sorry"... I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is Fearless. Letting go is Fearless. Then, moving on and being alright... That's Fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is Fearless.

I can't really say it better than that.

This is scary. More than that, this is paralyzingly terrifying. Finding love in the first place was so hard, how can you just let it go?

But this is not the end for you. You need to believe that. 

You need to trust that Heavenly Father not only wants better for you, but also that He has something much better in store for you. But you have to leave the bad behind in order to embrace the good.

And you need to trust in love again. And that is SO hard. Because last time you did that, it didn't end so well. But you have to.

Last time (and the only time) I fell in love, it was wonderful at the beginning. I had absolutely never been happier than I was when my ex-fiance and I fell in love. It was the most amazing feeling! 

But in the end, that relationship has also brought me greater fear, pain, and despair than I have ever experienced before.

So how can I trust love again when the first time ended so horribly? How can I know that a guy that seems wonderful actually IS wonderful? How can I know that he will STAY wonderful? 

And the thing is, I can't. Not really. I can be observant and pray lots, but in the end, there's still going to have to be some sort of leap of faith into the unknown. And that is frankly horrifying to think about. While I trust that Heavenly Father will help me to see clearly, there is still going to be some measure of fear that I'll need to push down and replace with faith. Because I know that it will all be worth it someday. And all of this pain that I am experiencing will only help me to appreciate the right person all the more.

It's like when I started dating my recent ex. Even though we're not together anymore, I still am so grateful that he showed me that guys actually can be good to me. And I appreciated him SO much for it because I knew what it felt like to NOT be treated well. Dating him gave me a glimpse of what a future love can and will be like for me someday. And I tell you what, even though I'm still terrified of dating, I am also beyond excited to be with a great man someday. And I will love him fiercely because he will be priceless to me.

Last quote, I promise. It's from the song It's the End of the Road by Matt Goss. 

When something ends something begins, but now it's just the end of the road,
When someone loses someone wins, but now it's just the end of the road, don't get to fix it if it doesn't break,
But now it's just the end of the road, when you gotta leave it makes you wanna stay, I know it's the end of the road

Endings are scary. Leaving is scary. Standing up to someone you love who hurts you is scary. And yes, you're going to hurt for a while and that sucks. Let yourself feel it. Don't ignore it. Give yourself some time to be sad and to feel the pain. But then get up, dust yourself off, and move on. The end of your abusive relationship is the beginning of a journey to healing and, someday, love that is real. 

I want to make some pretty bold promises to you right now (especially since I haven't found the "love of my life" or whatever yet, but I feel like I can promise you these things all the same).

1- I promise that you absolutely can be just as happy as- and even happier than -you were when you first fell in love. It doesn't feel like it, but it's true. I was (pleasantly) shocked by how ridiculously happy I was when I started dating my (recent) ex. I honestly didn't think that I was capable of feeling so happy anymore. I'm so grateful to know for sure that I can still feel SO much joy.

2- I promise that there really are guys out there who will love you the right way. They will cherish you and see all of the beauty that is within you that you have trouble seeing (I also promise that there is an awful lot of beauty for them to see!). And they will love you so much and treat you so well that you'll start to both believe them and believe IN them. You'll stop seeing them as another person to hurt you. You can trust again.

3- I promise that even if you DON'T find someone else, you absolutely will be happier in the long run if you get out of your abusive situation. I won't promise that it will be easy because it won't be. It will be hard. It will be painful. But it will absolutely be worth it!

4- And finally, I promise that there is always, always, always at least one person who will always love you right. Heavenly Father sees every ounce of strength and goodness that you possess. He will always listen to you and always have your best interest at heart. He will never belittle you, but rather He will magnify you. He will never hurt you, but will absolutely help you to heal. He loves you more than anything. Everything that He has done and everything that He will do is for you. So if nothing else, take comfort in knowing that.

Okay, one more.

I promise that this really isn't the end of love for you. It is simply a new beginning. 

(To be continued...)

PS- There were so many pictures that I considered for this post, so I'm just going to post them down here :)

One Light at a Time

The Light the World campaign of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is underway as of today as it is now December. For those who don't know what that is, you can see what it's all about here.

At the beginning of this semester, my choir director announced that the Men's and Women's choir of Brigham Young University Idaho (so my choir) has partnered with the Light the World campaign this year. I was SO excited! I freaking love service so much. It's one of my absolute favorite things. And honestly, I've had a really hard time this year because I feel like I haven't been able to serve nearly as much as I usually would because of the excruciating circumstances that I've been in this year. So I was doubly excited to have a chance to kind of catch up on serving others.

I was quick to volunteer when she started gathering choir members to help spearhead the initiative and was put in charge of coordinating service for those with special needs. I helped set up a couple of weekly service opportunities as well as some big events. I was SUPER excited to spend the semester serving others.

And then I got sick. Really sick. And all of a sudden, I couldn't even make it to choir, let alone to any service activities. I didn't get to go to a single one of the activities that I myself had coordinated. After a month or so of being borderline dying (I may be exaggerating just a smidge), I finally was able to make it to a service opportunity at a nursing home, and then last week I was able to help out at the food pantry.

And while I'm glad that I was finally able to help out with those two at least, I honestly have spent most of the semester feeling completely awful. In choir, everyone has been talking about the awesome service that the choir has been providing. And I have just sunk lower and lower in my seat, feeling guilty that I haven't been a part of it.

One day in choir, one of our awesome choir members stood up and recited a poem that she had written about the efforts that the choir has made over the past couple of months.

I sobbed.

I felt completely horrible. I knew that I shouldn't feel bad, the desire to serve was there. I didn't choose to be sick for a month. But I still was quite thoroughly miserable.

And I'm embarrassed to say it, but I also was frustrated, because even though I haven't helped with the big events, I have done individual acts of service for friends. I have helped those who are struggling. But they weren't the types of things that anyone else would know about. Inside of me was this voice saying "I helped too! I promise I did!" like I was trying to convince myself that I wasn't as pathetic as I felt. No one in the choir was probably even aware that I hadn't helped with anything, but I still felt extremely self-conscious about it. Which I know is stupid, but there you go.

But let me tell you something, tonight during our dress rehearsal as we sang "What Shall We Give?" I felt something different. I didn't feel guilt. I didn't feel indignation. I felt so loved.

This year I've received more service than any other time in my life except maybe for the many times that I was sick on my mission.

I've had people come over just to sit with me while I cry. I've had roommates play with my hair to help me fall asleep. I even had my choir director come over a few days after my ex was arrested, in jeans in a sweatshirt (if that wasn't a completely surreal moment, I don't know what is) and sit on my couch and play with my hair and just talked to me. I've had countless blessings. I've had people bring me treats, meals, bouquets of flowers, cards, the works. I've had people talk to me on the phone in the middle of the night because I was really struggling and just needed someone to tell me a funny story, or listen while I tearfully told them what was bothering me. I've had friends take me out to eat or have me over to play games or watch a movie just to get me out of my apartment and remind me that there are people there for me. I've had people send me memes and funny videos to give me the slightest reason to smile. I've had people that I haven't talked to in ages message me to check up on me. I've had countless people praying for me and adding my name to the temple prayer roll.

One of the biggest acts of service came from one of my mission companions and the ladies from the Relief Society in my last area of my mission. They pooled money together to get me to California over my birthday and Valentine's day, which were a mere two weeks after my ex was arrested. I was able to spend those two extremely difficult days with people that I love and who love me so much. I couldn't even believe it when the one amazing sister suggested that she would pay for me to come all by herself. I was definitely glad that she ended up reaching out to the rest of the sisters in the ward as well.

A big theme that we've focused on for the campaign this year is "One Light at a Time." Helping to brighten the lives of individuals. While service projects that cater to specific groups of people have been a large part of this initiative, we have had a great focus on serving within our own apartments, families, and wards. I haven't been able to give nearly as much as I would have liked this semester, but I have been on the receiving end more times than I could ever count.

My friends have exemplified the Light of Christ in the way that they have loved and supported me this year. I have no adequate words to describe the depth of love that I have felt from SO many this year. You all help me to feel the immense love that Heavenly Father has for me.

So tonight as we sang that beautiful song, I was reminded that the fire in my own heart has been lit, re-lit, and built up every time my life has felt so dark. So many people in my life have taken the admonition to "mourn with those who mourn and comfort [me as I] stand in need of comfort."

And above all else, Christ, the Light of the World Himself, has been there for me in every single dark moment to help me along when my own light has been dim almost to the point of being extinguished.

And so I sit here writing this, simply filled with love. Lighting the World isn't just about shining so brightly that the whole world can see it. It is rather about the little, daily moments that we take to uplift those around us. Often the service that we render does not even feel like service to us, but the light that it brings into the lives of others is so real.

I would encourage everyone this Christmas season to not only seek out ways to fan others flames, but to also stand fully aware of how many people help you to brighten the light that is within you.

Ps- For anyone that reads this before the concert tomorrow, I would highly encourage you to come see the concert in person tomorrow night (Sat Dec 2) at 7:30 PM MST. And if you can't see it in person, you can tune in via live stream HERE.