Stop Apologizing for Serving (or Not Serving) a Mission

"Sorry to be that person, but when I was on my mission...."

Dude. Stop that. Stop apologizing.

We don't want those who haven't served missions (especially those who want to but can't for one reason or another), or those who had to return early for some reason to feel bad. And that's great! We don't want anyone to feel bad. But that means that we should also not feel bad for having served.

Bear with me, I promise I'm not an insensitive jerk.

This has been bothering me a lot for some reason. I am a returned missionary, but that doesn't mean that I look down on those who haven't served. My best friend married a man who didn't serve a mission, and he's fantastic! I have a brother who couldn't serve a full-time mission for health reasons but is a strong, active member and member missionary. I know people who returned early from their missions for health reasons (physical and mental health). I also know girls that really wanted to serve full-time, but felt that Heavenly Father had different plans for them when they prayed about it.

All of these people are incredible, strong, active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and that's what matters.

None of them should be discriminated against because they didn't (or couldn't) serve or because they didn't serve the full 18 months or two years.

But those of us who have served missions shouldn't be treated any differently either.

Every single person is in a different place. We all come from different circumstances, health situations, and places on the path to conversion. And that is okay. What is important is that we are all doing our best to serve the Lord in the best way that WE can. His plan for each of us is very different, and He knows exactly how to best use each of our talents and experiences to further His work. That's what really matters.

I needed to serve a mission for lots of reasons. But it took me a stupid long time to get the medical clearance that I needed in order to go. And I'm not going to lie, I was absolutely bitter about it. I was happy for my friends that were getting their mission calls, leaving for the MTC, and working out in the field, but I was also extremely jealous that I wasn't one of them. But that didn't mean that I wanted my friends to feel badly for serving. That didn't mean that I wanted them to dance around the subject of their missions because they didn't want me to feel bad that I hadn't gone on mine yet.

I had to wait to go. I may not ever fully understand why, I have my ideas, but I don't really know. But I do know that it was absolutely for a reason. I also know that I personally was absolutely, positively supposed to serve a full-time mission. A full-time mission was part of Heavenly Father's personalized plan for my particular life, so I served. And I will be forever grateful that I did. My mission changed my life in the best ways and helped shape me into the woman that I am today. I could never deny that I was supposed to serve and I will never forget everything that serving a mission did for me.

But not everyone is called to serve full-time. Some are called to stay and support their own ward, or stay and get married, or stay and fill-in-the-blank. And that is amazing! What is vital is that each and every person strives to serve the Lord in the way that He needs them to serve.

Some people learn important lessons in their lives through NOT being able to serve full-time. Lessons that help them to better serve the Lord in their own unique way.

Don't get me wrong, I am definitely a firm believer that every worthy male is called to serve a mission. It is a mandate from Heavenly Father. So yes, I believe that every young man should have the goal of serving a mission and do all that they can to get out on one. But I also believe that Heavenly Father tailors His calls to us according to both our needs and our abilities. So if a young man doesn't serve a mission because he medically cannot, that doesn't make him a sinner, or broken, or anything. It simply means that Heavenly Father has something else in mind for him to do. Something just as worthwhile and significant.

For young women, I would also encourage every single one to serve a mission. Serving a mission is the best decision I've ever made. There is so much to learn and become.

With that being said, I encourage every single young woman to serve a mission if it is right for them. Again, Heavenly Father might have a different part of His vineyard that He needs you to tend. I have wonderful girl friends who I know would make fantastic missionaries, but have felt when they've prayed about serving that Heavenly Father has something else in mind for them. And I fully support their decision not to serve. Heavenly Father knows what they are capable of much better than I do!

There is so much work to do in all aspects of life, and thankfully God knows exactly where each of us will be of the most use. So yes, they would be fantastic missionaries. They are not feeling like they shouldn't serve because they aren't capable or because they wouldn't help people. They are feeling like they shouldn't serve because they feel like they are needed elsewhere. They are called to their own work in another portion of the Lord's vineyard.

I have a friend who was determined that she would serve a mission. The age change announcement came out and she was so pumped! But as she prayed about it, the answer that came to her was that she wasn't supposed to serve. She didn't like that, so continued to plan on serving. The Spirit won out eventually and she resigned herself to the fact that she wasn't meant to serve a mission as a young adult. Instead, she ended up doing amazing work with children in Romania and then getting married. All within the time that she would have been serving a mission if she had gone. Her call to serve the Lord didn't start with "Sister _______," but it was no less a mandate from God to her to serve His children.

We have this huge problem in our oh-so-lovely "Mormon culture" where everyone seems to have to feel guilty all the time. Godly sorrow for sin is important. But feeling guilty when you haven't done anything wrong is both unnecessary and a tactic of the devil.

I talked to a friend that came home early from his mission for surgery. He felt like he would never get married because he came home early. He's grown up with the stigma that not only will a righteous young woman not consider you as a potential spouse if you haven't served a mission, but also that they won't consider you if you went home early, served a service mission instead of a proselyting mission, or served in your own home state for one reason or another.

Unfortunately, his fears are not unfounded.

Why do we judge each other so harshly when it comes to missionary service? What does it really matter if someone served in their own state? Or had to (honorably!) come home early? Or whether they served stateside or foreign? Or learned a language? Or was a zone leader or sister training leader? Or had 50 baptisms?

IT DOES NOT.

It's doesn't matter. What matters is that we are doing our best to serve the Lord in whatever capacity He needs us to serve Him under.

The problem is that we look at missionary service as a badge of honor. But it really isn't. A returned missionary who doesn't keep up the gospel standards is not better than a non-RM who does just because the former served a mission. Serving a mission doesn't make you more loved by Heavenly Father and being an RM doesn't mean that you're even a very good person for goodness' sake!

My best friend has been married to an amazing man for a little over two years now. He did not serve a mission, but is an incredibly faithful and loving husband and righteous priesthood holder. I was engaged to a return missionary who was not faithful or truly loving and who ended up not being a righteous, worthy priesthood holder.

The thing is, a person's worth is not determined by whether they served a mission or not. Every single person's worth is inherent because we are children of God. A person's worthiness is also not determined by whether they served a mission or not. It is determined by how they are currently living. Their conversion is not measured by whether- or how long -they served. It is measured by their faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and how that faith influences the way that they live. Right now, in this moment.

This is so important to understand because, yes, many have not served missions because they were unworthy to do so. But even if that is the case, their worthiness does not hang on their not serving a mission. It hangs on what they have done with their lives since. Did they straighten up? Have they been striving to come closer to the Lord? Do they seek His will and strive to keep His commandments?

Nowhere in the temple recommend interview questions does it ask if you've served a mission. Do you want to know why? Because it's irrelevant. Heavenly Father is much more interested in what you are doing with your life right now, in this moment, than He is on where you were when you were 18-25 years old.

Every single member is a missionary. We each serve the Lord according to our own capacities. We are each given different strengths for a reason. We are not all meant to do the exact same thing. Heavenly Father uses us in the way that He knows we can best be used in this great work. And so saying "When I was on my mission" at the beginning of a story should not be frowned upon any more than "When I was in high school" or "When I was a nursery/Young Women's/Elder's Quorum leader."

Of course returned missionaries are going to have stories from their missions. But my friend who was told no by the Lord has stories from Romania that I don't. And the kid in my ward that ended up serving a service mission has stories from his experiences that I don't. And my friends who have returned early from their missions have stories from theirs that I don't. And we ALL have different stories from different significant stages and places in our lives. And that's fantastic!

So can we please stop making non-RM's feel bad for not serving a mission (no matter the reason) and can we please stop making RM's feel insensitive for telling stories from a super influential 18 months to 2 years of their lives and can we please stop making each other feel bad if we are what the other one is not?

Can we agree to do our best to do our part in this great work of salvation and to leave the decision of what is best for each individual up to God? Because Heavenly Father can and will use every single willing heart that comes before Him and asks to be used as an instrument in His hands. And HE knows what kind of instrument He needs us to be and where we will be of the most use. And that's all that should really matter to anyone.

I am much less concerned with whether you have served a mission as I am whether you are currently serving a mission. Because everyone is a missionary. Everyone is commissioned to share the gospel and serve the Lord. We are each given an individual, sacred commission to be a part of this great work and to help Heavenly Father to "bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39) Every single day we are called upon to lift others. Are we answering that call? Because that is really all that matters. It doesn't matter where we are "called to serve" in this work, it only matters that we do it.

Love Your Lemons

"We sometimes think that being grateful is what we do after our problems 
are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is." ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf

So today I wanted to write about something that has basically become the motto, theme, mantra, etc. for my life.

Love your lemons.

Let me explain what this means.

When I was 18, I lived with my sister in Provo for three months. This was my first time being in a single's ward and I loved it! It was weird not having kids around, but luckily we did have one little girl in the ward. Her name was My (no idea how to spell that, but that's how it's pronounced). My's father was in our bishopric and she was just barely too young to be in nursery yet, so her mom brought her to our ward instead of going to the family ward without her husband.

That little girl changed the way that I look at life.

One of my last Sundays in Provo, My's dad got up to bear his testimony. He relayed a story of a recent Family Home Evening that he had had with his little family. His wife gave each person a lemon and talked about how trials come our way at times, but that things will get better. The idea was that they would hold their lemons throughout the lesson, and then they would squeeze them into lemonade at the end.

The problem was, My would NOT give up her lemon! Her father described how she hugged it close, smooshed it up against her face, and giggled; running around with it and refusing to give it to her parents.

He told us that he got a bit frustrated with My. "I want to make your lemon into lemonade gosh darnnit!"

But then he said that he stopped. He realized that My was teaching him and his wife so much more than they taught her that night.

How many times in our lives are we waiting for our lemonade? Once I get out of the house, then I'll be happy. Once I graduate, then I'll be happy. Once I get that dream job, then I'll be happy. Once I get married, then I'll be happy.

Do you see the problem there? Will you really be happy once you get out of the house? No, because then you'll be looking towards the lemonade of getting married and/or graduating. Then will you actually be happy? No, because then you'll be looking towards the lemonade of finding your dream job and raising a family.

What My taught her parents, and me, through her actions was that we shouldn't wait to be happy "once ____." It's important to love your lemons first, not to simply wait to be happy until it's time for lemonade.

We can find joy in the midst of adversity. We can take our trials and run with them, smoosh them up against our faces, and laugh.

Loving your lemons isn't about holding on to bitterness that needs to be let go. It's all about not waiting to be happy until your trials are gone. Because you know what? There are always going to be trials! Every single day of your entire life, there will be trials. But they only have as much power over you as you give them.

Heavenly Father wants us to have eternal joy. He put us here to learn and grow and develop so that we can inherit ALL that He has. He wants us to be the absolute happiest that we could ever be after this life. But He also doesn't want us to wait to be happy until after this life. He wants us to find joy now!

Life is full of tests and trials, but that doesn't mean that we can't still find so much happiness now, today, in this very moment. We aren't meant to wait until the day we make lemonade (the Resurrection) to feel joy. We are meant to learn how to have joy, right now, in our lives full of lemons.

I'll tell you what. I've been through some tough crap in my life. And I have been the person that refused to be happy until I rid myself of my lemons.

I would occasionally have a decent day, but most of the time, I was just decidedly grumpy. This was especially true the year before my mission. I felt like I was just going to be miserable until I finally got to turn my mission papers in and leave for my mission. And I pretty much was. But only because I chose to be.

I only realized after I turned my papers in- and was (finally) getting ready to leave on my mission -that I had actually been super blessed in a lot of different ways that year. Mostly in that I was sent a handful of stellar friends that helped me to stay any kind of sane and were willing to suffer through my constant negativity. Maybe if I had recognized what a blessing they were in my life sooner, I wouldn't have been sucking on my bitter lemon, but cradling it in my arms.

You can ask my two absolute best friends (the one that I've had since we were born and my younger brother) and they'll tell you that I was SO different when I got home from my mission. They could see that I was no longer content with being upset all the time. I had learned how to find joy in the journey.

And let me tell you, my mission was rough. Everyone's is in one way or another I think, but I really struggled with a lot of things. Mainly my health, which is something that I've struggled against for my whole life and only seemed to get worse on my mission.

But despite that, I still found SO much joy in those 18 months. My first companion in my last area has a lot to do with that. We were together for three transfers and after only a few weeks she had me saying that I was so grateful for opposition in all things. And I was. And I am.

The other person that really influenced me was my trainer's trainer. We went on exchanges within my first two weeks and she taught me something that has stuck with me. Learn to laugh. When a door gets slammed in your face, laugh it off. When everything seems to be going wrong, laugh it off. Your reaction to adversity is up to you.

Look, to be honest, I'm sick right now. I have both bronchitis AND a sinus infection. I've been sick for pretty much the last three weeks and it still seems to be getting worse in a lot of ways. And that sucks. I HATE being sick. Which is unfortunate because I'm sick quite often.

It's boring and I feel useless and I feel crappy (duh). It's the worst.

I've been to the doctor three times, have been given three different types of steroids, and am on my second round of antibiotics. But I'm still having a hard time breathing, am getting lightheaded a ton, head aches, random body parts are sore from coughing, etc. And in the midst of all of this my IBS has been acting up and I should be starting my period this weekend (You're welcome for that little nugget of information). So basically I'm not exactly having the time of my life right now.

But even though I am frustrated right now and all I want is to do is drink the sweet lemonade of being healthy again, I'm have not been in a constant state of lemon-sucking misery these past three weeks. Yes I'm concerned about how sick I've been (more like I've had anxiety gnawing at me for all of the classes and assignments that I've been missing because I have to rest all day every day for the most part). But it's still been a pretty good three weeks!

I've been checked up on, prayed for, entertained, and brought food by a good handful of people. I have been able to receive priesthood blessings. I have been able to spend time with my roommates that I usually miss out on because of schedule conflicts. I have had a couple of hours of energy here and there where I've actually been able to not be laying down. I've even laughed! (Which is a bad idea when you're struggling to breathe, but... *shrugs.*)

I hate being sick. But I don't hate my life right now, even if it is a bit harder than it was a few weeks ago.

Anyway, I think you get the point.

Here's the thing guys, life is always going to be hard in one way or another. If it wasn't, we wouldn't appreciate all of the amazing blessings in our lives.

This year has been super rough. And I have cried tons and I have struggled a lot with lots of different things, but I've also been happy a lot of the time. Even the week after my ex was arrested, there were moments when I was laughing. And every week since there have been moments of happiness, laughter, and mostly just overwhelming feelings of gratitude. Not for what happened, but for what has happened since. I couldn't even begin to explain how blessed I've been. But the important thing is that I've learned to recognize, and appreciate, those blessings. I've learned to find and cherish little moments of joy that always come in the midst of even (and probably especially) the most difficult of trials.

So yeah, sometimes we feel like someone dumped a basket of lemons on our heads. But do you know what that means?! That means that you're going to have at least a good jug-full of lemonade by the end of this. Isn't that a nice thought?

We don't always know when lemon-squeezing day will come, but we do know that IT WILL COME. And in the mean time, why not be grateful that we have lemons at all? You can't make lemonade if you don't have lemons.

In times of trial, you can be assured that there is a blessing coming your way. That's how opposition in all things works. But I assure you that blessings don't only come after the trial. They come before and during as well. All we need to do is learn to recognize them. Each blessing that we recognize is like another lemon that we scoop up, hug close, smoosh against our faces, and laugh with.

While we can be assured that the lemonade is coming, we don't always know when exactly we'll get it. So why wait to be happy until then?

I love Doctrine and Covenants 78:18-19 where it says:

17 And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

18 And he who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious; and the things of this earth shall be added unto him, even an hundred fold, yea, more.

When I read verse 17 I always add the word "already" in front of all of the "yours." The kingdom is already yours, and the blessings are already yours, and the riches of eternity are already yours. Heavenly Father has SO much in store for us. All of those blessings are yours for the taking as you live righteously.

But don't forget that first part. You can't bear all things right now. Life is hard. But you absolutely can be of good cheer anyway! And not only that, but those who live their lives with an attitude of gratitude are even more blessed!

When it says that blessings will be added unto the thankful person times a hundred, I don't think that that only has to mean after this life. If we learn how to truly be Grateful in EVERY Circumstance now, then that means that we are allowing ourselves to receive the blessings of heaven now! We end up receiving 100 times more blessings overall by not only living in such a way that we will receive the blessings of eternity, but also by living in such a way that we receive the blessings of today.

THAT is what loving your lemons is all about. It's about not wasting a single moment of our precious lives rejecting the love of God. It's about recognizing the blessings that He is already bestowing upon us. It's about letting our trials make us better, not bitter. It's about choosing to be happy right now.

Because that, my friends, is what your Father in Heaven wants for you the most.

The Prideful "Should"

I have a pride problem. You probably do too.

I'm not prideful in the "I'm better than everyone" kind of way. No, it's more of an "I'm better than I am" kind of way. It's not an "I can do this better than anyone else" and more of an "I don't need anyone else to do this" kind of pride.

Of course I compare myself to others. Constantly. I think that most of us do. But I generally am pretty good at not looking at others and thinking about how much better than them I am. Instead, I generally am pretty good at looking at others and thinking how much better they are than me.

And that, my friends, is pride. It's that Me vs. Everyone else mindset. It's being caught up in the comparison. (See the talk at the end of the post)

It's also the Me vs. Past Me mindset.

Let me explain (well, reiterate, I explain this concept in this past post).

I'm spending the weekend with my boyfriend and his family. Tonight we were watching the movie The Circle. I didn't know that hidden cameras were a huge part of this movie. Neither did the family. When the sneaky cameras were first presented, my heart dropped, just a bit. When my boyfriend realized, he asked if I was okay or if I needed to go do something else upstairs. I told him that I thought that I would be okay. The movie continued.

I was worried about how I'd react as the movie went on. I googled a synopsis to get an idea of whether I thought that I'd be okay to keep watching it or not. It seemed like I should be able to handle it, so I simply told myself that I would leave if necessary, but that it was fine to keep watching for now.

That was a mistake.

A certain scene pushed my PTSD over the edge and my boyfriend and I went upstairs. I sobbed.

He felt horrible about it, as did his mom and his sister. I told them that it wasn't their fault. None of us had seen the movie before. None of us knew that a lot of the plot would hit so close to home for me. It wasn't their fault.

It was mine.

I should have stopped watching the movie as soon as the hidden cameras were introduced. I should have known that that wasn't something that I could handle. And I did know that.

But I didn't want to acknowledge it.

As time goes on, I feel like I have to prove to myself that I can be "normal." A "normal" person would be able to sit through an entire dystopian movie with her boyfriend's family without having a meltdown. A "normal" person isn't triggered by a plot device. It wouldn't have bothered me a year ago, so it shouldn't bother me now.

But it does. It does bother me and that bothers me. It bothers me that I can't do something as normal as watch a movie. It bothers me that I'm still "broken." I want to prove to myself that I'm getting better, that I can do the things that I used to be able to do. I try to trick myself into believing that I'm not broken anymore. And that's being prideful.

It's prideful because I'm trying to determine all on my own what I should and shouldn't be able to do. In my mind, I should be able to sit through The Circle without bawling. I should be able to keep up with my classes. I should be able to hold a job. I should be able to do all of the things that I used to be able to do. But what I should or should not be capable of doing isn't set by my timetable. I can't just decide that I'm healed (no matter how much I want to).

There is a difference between believing that things will get better and believing that things should be better right now.

Believing that things will get better is trusting the Lord. Believing that things should already be better is NOT trusting in the Lord's timetable. It's selfish and it's prideful.

Think about it, if I had healed as quickly as I wanted to (you know, a couple months tops), then I would not be where I am. I would not be writing this blog post right now. I wouldn't have started a blog. I wouldn't have become so close to my best friend that is now my boyfriend. In short, I wouldn't have two of the most meaningful things in my life right now if I had healed when I wanted to be healed.

The whole reason that people even read my blog is because I'm "broken." Because they can see that I'm not perfect but that I haven't given up. Because they look at the broken pieces of me and they speak to the broken pieces of them. I blog because I am broken. Because I have learned, and continue to learn, SO much from being broken.

I gotta tell you, being broken is probably the best teacher ever. I've learned so freaking much through this whole thing and continue to learn more and more every single day. Being broken allows me to rebuild, stronger than ever before. But it is a slow process. Anything worth learning or becoming always is.

If I hadn't struggled, really struggled, over the last 9 months, then I wouldn't be who I am today. And you know what? Who I am really isn't as bad as I think most of the time. It's so easy for me to see myself in terms of what I think that I should be able to do. What I struggle to see is what is already there inside of me that is great! I see my failures rather than the fact that I keep trying. I see the weaknesses that I have, not the ones that I have overcome. I see all of the things that I used to be able to do that I can't anymore and neglect recognizing the things that I can do now that I couldn't before.

I am prideful in the sense that I refuse to see the value that is inside of me. Heavenly Father has given me so much and continues to help me to learn and grow and develop every single day. But all I look at is, "but I should also be able to do _______." The progress that I have made is never good enough for me. I always want more. And that is straight up prideful.

"Yeah, thanks for this wagon-full of blessings, but what I really need is this. No, I need those things too, but where is this?" Ouch. If that isn't a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

But this post isn't supposed to be about how I'm a terrible, ungrateful human being, because I promise that I'm not.

What I'm really trying to say is that we all need to cut ourselves some slack.

I'm doing better than I think that I am. Of course there is always room for improvement and I should always be seeking to become a little better each and every day. But it's also 100% okay to give myself a break. I'm not going to be in tip-top shape tomorrow and that has to be okay with me. Because Heavenly Father has proven to me over and over again this year that He can use me in whatever condition I'm in. And there are things that I can contribute in each and every stage of recovery that I would miss out on contributing if I was healed with a snap of the fingers.

And I guess that's kind of the point that I'm trying to get across. It's crucial that I'm NOT healing at my own pace, because if I was, I wouldn't be becoming a better person. That's why this does have to take a lot longer than I want it to.

It's okay that I'm not perfect, no matter how badly I wish that I was right at this moment. It's okay because this process of piecing myself back together has strengthened me in ways that I may never fully comprehend. So I need to stop worrying about where I think that I should be in life and simply be content with where I am. I really do believe that I will continue to get better. And I really do trust that Heavenly Father knows how to help me to do so. I also fully trust in His ability to make me SO much more than I could ever make of myself.

If you get anything out of this post, I hope that it's this:

Do what you can and don't worry about what you can't. Heavenly Father only expects you to do what you can. Who are you to expect more of yourself than He does? Only He really knows what you should be able to do because He knows exactly what you are capable of doing. And you can trust that He will absolutely use you to your fullest current potential AND that He will continually build you up to help you to reach your fullest eternal potential. He knows much better than you do what it will take to get there, so stop trying to take over.

I don't know what I need in my life right now to help me to reach my full potential, but I know that He does.

So what I really should do is get off my high horse and simply enjoy the view from where I am. Because you know what? It's pretty darn great, just as it is.

Ps- This talk has a lot to do with the insights that I have about pride. Read it. It's SO good.

Speaking for the Voiceless

I've been aware all along that I've been put in a unique position, but it's been hitting me more lately for some reason.

I have been given the opportunity to speak out where others cannot. As a victim of abuse and felony, I have found myself a part of a category of people who typically suffer in silence. As a part of this category, I have been given insight into the world of the silent sufferers.

There are more of those than we'd like to believe. There are more toxic relationships and marriages than we see on the surface. There are more suffering from the traumatic effects of abuse then we know.

When everything first happened to me, I felt so alone in my feelings. I asked myself "how many young college students have PTSfreakingD?" I felt like an anomaly that no one around me could really relate to. And I honestly hoped that there wasn't because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I would rather be misunderstood than have anyone else understand the suffering that I have been going through.

But then people started reaching out to me and telling me about their stories. I've talked to people who were raped by fiances, people who have also been abused by outwardly upstanding young men, people who have dated/been engaged to/married porn addicts, etc.

I hate that when they tell me "I understand," they actually mean it. It breaks my heart that they actually do understand. When they say that, I always just respond with "I am so sorry."

Most of these people have been suffering pretty much alone, or else with very little support. I feel guilty that I have had SO much support when there are SO many people out there who are dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD that was induced by abuse (or anything else for that matter) who don't.

I ask myself why I have been blessed with so much love and support when they haven't been.

And that's why I'm writing this post. Because my situation has been so public, I haven't really had the opportunity to NOT talk about it. I've gotten tons of support because my trauma has been in the news. Everyone knows, so everyone is empathetic and supportive. No one thinks that I'm being pathetic or weak as they watch me struggle with seemingly simple things because they know why I'm struggling. Not everyone gets the same kind of treatment that I have.

I also am more at liberty to speak because 1- I'm not still with/around the guy and 2- everyone believes me because he's a convicted felon.

So here's for the people who can't speak because they're married to the person, still sees them around, or knows that most people wouldn't believe them if they told about the abuse.

Being with someone who is (or has been) severely addicted to pornography is intimidating. You're comparing yourself to flawless women on a screen. You feel like you'll never be able to satisfy your man/woman because you're certainly not flawless.

Abuse doesn't look like you think it does. It's not all yelling and screaming and hitting. More often than not, it's hidden behind sweet gestures and seemingly kind eyes. It's less outright anger and more quiet disappointment. No words are necessary. You just know that you're not enough and that any troubles in the relationship are somehow your fault. You feel like you'll never measure up and do all that you can to keep your person with you. You have no idea that you are being abused until later. Once you're out of it, you begin to see everything that was so wrong about your relationship. But by then, the damage is done and you're left to pick up your broken pieces and try to nurse yourself back to health.

I'm in a good relationship right now, but the abuse mindset is still very present. Fear that I'm not good enough. Paranoia that he is regretting his decision to date me at every moment. Wanting confirmation that I'm beautiful, that I'm enough.

I'm loving being in a relationship again! My boyfriend makes me super happy and I feel safe when I'm with him. But to be 100% honest, it's also terrifying. I can't get the "what if's" and "what happened last times" out of my head no matter how hard I try. I'm constantly worried that I will never, ever be good enough to keep him. And I have to remind myself that even if things don't work out between us, it's not because I'm "not good enough." It would just be because it wasn't right for us. And I have to tell myself that if things don't work out, he's not going to hurt me like my ex did.

Being in a relationship is super scary and my anxiety is working hard to get the better of me, but I just keep squashing it down because my boyfriend is NOT my ex and I know that. He is worth fighting the fear for.

Others who have had broken relationships would always tell me that I won't feel ready to date until the right guy comes along. I wouldn't just wake up one day ready to try dating again. It would take someone special to give me the courage to give love another try. They were right.

Moving right along, something else about coming out of an abusive relationship is that there's a huge sense of unfairness. I honestly don't know how my ex is doing. I've pretty much stopped asking our mutual friends about him for the sake of my sanity. But I do catch snippets of his life here and there and I get a little bit frustrated. I try not to, but I do. I heard that he's working temp jobs and started his own little business as well. I lost my job months ago and am still not in a great position to get a new one.

Something that really hit me hard was when someone told me that they ran into my ex laser-tagging. My friend told me that he watched my ex throughout the night and that he was laughing and just having the time of his life with his friends. Mind you, this was more towards the beginning of this year, when everything first happened. While he was having a blast laser tagging, I was struggling to make it through any kind of social situation. I spent much of my time curled up in my bed sobbing.

It was all my friend could do not to punch him out and scream at him. I'm glad that he was able to refrain.

While I don't want my ex to be miserable for all eternity or anything, there is a sting of unfairness about it all. Why is he able to work and have fun with friends when I can't? Why is it that he is the one that hurt me so deeply, but he's moving on with his life seemingly much better than I am? I'm the one left severely struggling with PTSD, jobless, and struggling to keep up with my classes.

I talked with someone recently who is recovering from an abusive relationship. This person has really been struggling, and in the meantime, her ex is getting married. It just doesn't seem fair. (And frankly it makes me worry for the fiance, I sincerely hope that she won't end up being hurt like my friend was).

Not trying to sound bitter, and trying really hard not to BE bitter, but that is something that I still have a hard time with. I know that my ex isn't doing as well as it seems sometimes. I mean, he's got a felony on his record that's going to mess with the rest of his life, and is currently going through probation and what not. But I still sometimes wonder if he's really getting it. If he's really understanding how much he's screwed up my life.

Not to say that he's ruined it completely. He doesn't have that power over me unless I give it to him. I'll be okay someday, I know that. But he has definitely put a kink in my life that is not being easy to smooth out.

Now then, speaking for those who have endured sexual abuse specifically. A friend reached out to me and told me that her fiance had raped her. Hardly anyone knows about it. She's been dealing with this mostly by herself. I cannot even imagine.

Sexual abuse is horrid. Obviously. But it really messes with you. Nothing is ever good enough for the other person. Nothing satisfies them really. And when it's all over, you're left with a sensitivity that you never had before. I'm getting better now, but this year I've been super paranoid about so many things. I generally sleep with a body pillow, I have for the last couple of years. But I haven't used it as much this year because I don't want absolutely anything touching certain parts of me if I can possibly help it. I've been extremely careful when washing my body when I shower. I don't want to feel anything. This might not make any sense to you if you haven't gone through it, but I'm doing my best to explain.

I also went through a phase where I not only dressed modestly, but I wouldn't wear anything even slightly form fitting because I didn't want anyone looking at my body. I always try to dress modestly, but for a while I took it to a bit more of an extreme. I did everything that I could to ensure that people were spending time with me because of me, not because of my body.

I remember talking to my ex about something called "Good Girl Syndrome." It's when those who have been raised to be abstinent until marriage have it so deeply ingrained in them that sex is wrong that they feel guilty about it even when they're legally and lawfully married. This syndrome is a result of well-meaning parents teaching their kids about abstinence in completely the wrong way. Sex itself isn't wrong. When it is done within a marriage, it is sacred and beautiful.

Anyway, the reason that I'm telling you this is that my ex asked me if I thought that I would have an issue with having sex once we were married. I told him no. I knew that sex within marriage is a good thing. Obviously I was nervous about the wedding night, but not scared or guilty or anything.

Over time, I did get more an more worried about it, not because I thought that it was wrong, but because I felt like I couldn't ever possibly measure up to the images and videos that he had watched for years. How could I compete with porn? I couldn't. I didn't want to feel like I had to.

Now that everything is over, I'm frankly terrified of my future wedding night. I know that it's not wrong to have sex when you're married, but because I've been sexually abused, it's going to be hard to separate abuse from sex, even when I'm married to someone that I love and trust.

I had panic attacks the first few times I was kissed this year for goodness sake! I honestly have no idea how my future wedding night is going to go. I try not to think about it since it's not something that I have to worry about for a long while yet, but it's hard to suppress the fear of physicality after being abused. It's hard to stop associating intimacy with fear.

Anyway, I hope that I've been able to properly portray the feelings that go unexpressed every single day by people that you know and love. I'm super blessed in that I am no longer in an abusive situation, but not everyone is where I am. I can pretty much guarantee you that you know someone who seems to be in a perfectly lovely relationship or marriage that is absolutely not. We see the "everything is great!" filter on people's lives. We see posts about fun dates or sweet gestures that really do happen, but are intermixed with anxiety, abuse, addiction, and self-esteem issues that we don't see.

I'm doing my best to speak for those silent sufferers who can't speak for themselves for one reason or another. I'm sorry if I'm not doing you all justice, I'm only one person, one voice among thousands of mutes.

If anyone has a story to share that they can't on their own, you can send it to me (I'm not hard to find on Facebook) and I'll post it anonymously if I feel that it is appropriate. If I get enough experiences, I'll probably just make a part two to this post where I share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with hardship.

Everyone deserves to be heard, to be understood. Know that you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way that you do. You are not the only one who has been hurt, the only one who is afraid. There are more of us than you think. And remember that if nothing else, there is always one Person who knows precisely what you are going through.

One of my all time favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is Alma 7:11-12

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Jesus Christ didn't suffer only so that we could repent. He suffered "that He may know... how to succor His people." He suffered so that He would know how to help you in each and every moment of your life. He knows exactly what you are going through because He went through it. He has felt your pain to a T. He has felt your exact heartache, anxiety, terror, discouragement. And because He has felt that, He knows precisely what you need to continue on and become stronger than ever. Experience is the best teacher, and He has experienced it all.

So even if I can't properly speak for you, know that there is Someone that you can talk to that will not only listen, but who can and will perfectly empathize. He is so real and He is there for YOU.

He is what gives me the strength to speak, and maybe someday, with His help, you will be able to speak up too.

How to Date a Victim

Imagine that this picture is the other way around, where the girl is
the one filled with anxiety and it is "Him" that makes it go away.
That way it perfectly fits my situation.

When you've been a victim of mental, emotional, and sexual abuse, lots of things become scary. One of the ultimate terrifying things though would have to be dating. At least, that's been a huge fear for me.

You feel like no one is ever going to want to be with you because you're broken. You're afraid that if you do find someone, they'll just end up hurting you too. Or that they'll realize at some point that you're not actually worth the baggage. 

Physical touch can be anxiety-inducing. Who wants to be with someone that they can't even hold hands with all the time- let alone kiss -without potentially causing an anxiety attack?

Nope. I felt like I needed to "fix" myself first. I had to somehow get over my fears, anxiety, and PTSD all on my own before I'm 60. Because if I didn't, no one would ever want to be with me.

Sure I have plenty of friends that have been super patient with me and very loving and supportive, but would anyone really want to deal with me on a more frequent, more permanent basis? Definitely not.

And yet.

Tyler.

Freaking Tyler. I don't know what the heck I did to deserve him.

Tyler has seen me at my lowest. He's seen me with no makeup on, sobbing, getting snot all over everything. He's seen me reserved and filled with anxiety.

Tyler knows that I lost my job. He knows that I struggle keeping up with classes. He knows that I still cry rather frequently. He knows that I'm terrified.

He knows. But he still wants to be with me.
(I swear there were no love potions involved, it's just a freaking miracle.) 

Tyler wasn't fazed when I had anxiety attacks the first couple of times that we kissed. And he let me make the first move because he knew that it was scary for me.

Tyler didn't make me feel at all bad the couple of times that I've had to stop cuddling with him on the couch while we watched a movie because I was getting super anxious all of a sudden.

He just takes everything with an "okay" and a "whatever you need." He is perfectly content to take my lead on everything. I know that there are times where he would like to kiss me but doesn't. And I'm sure that he would like to continue holding my hand or whatever, but he is endlessly patient with me if I need a break.

Tyler is everything that I need. Because Tyler doesn't see me as damaged or weak. He sees me working my butt off trying to heal. He sees me doing my best to serve others, even in the midst of my own trials. Tyler sees everything good in me that I struggle to see in myself when I seem to be drowning in an ocean of fears, worries, and shortcomings. 

This kid amazes me every single day. 

It's like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for him to realize that slogging through PTSD with me is no fun and not worth his time. I'm waiting for him to stop caring about what is best for me, because that's what happened before. I'm essentially waiting for something to go horrendously wrong.

But at the same time, I trust Tyler. I trust him not to hurt me like my ex hurt me. I try hard to believe him when he tells me that I make his life better too, not just the other way around. I am amazed that he feels like being patient with me is worth his time, but I know that he actually does feel that way somehow.

Tyler is doing everything right. He doesn't push me to move faster than I am ready for. He makes sure that I know that I don't ever have to feel like I need to do anything that I don't feel like I can handle at the moment.

Tyler doesn't get frustrated by my constant need to be reassured that he actually does like and want to be with me.

He understands that none of this is his fault. I'm not anxious because he is doing anything wrong. I am not afraid because HE scares me. He is always sure to ask me if there is anything that he can do (or not do) to help me to feel more comfortable. He does more than I ever could have expected (or hoped for) from anyone. 

And because of that, I feel safe. Because of that, even though I do get anxious, I am able to stay much calmer because he is there with me. 

Even though it sometimes is being with him that is making me anxious, it is also being with HIM that helps calm me as well. I couldn't even begin to explain that, so the poor guy doesn't always know what to do with me. Because cuddling with him made me anxious tonight, but it was also soothing. Simply being with him helps to calm my doubts and fears. And if he doesn't know what to do, then he either does nothing until I do, or he asks me what I need from him.

He assures me that it's okay if I'm scared. It's okay if I need to cry. It's okay that I'm not completely okay right now. And that means the world to me because I know that he really means it. 

I could never have imagined myself finding a guy who could be okay with me panicking at physical touch and being super worried that he'll leave me or hurt me someday. I never in a million years thought that I would find someone who would want to take me as I am. Who thinks that the person that I am right now is wonderful, scars and insecurities and all.

The song Only Us from Dear Evan Hansen sums up how I feel pretty dang well.

You don't have to be scared you're not enough

'Cause what we've got going is good...

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me...

It's not so impossible

'Cause you're saying it's possible...

So it can be us

It can be us

And only us

And what came before won't count anymore or matter

We can try that

I asked Tyler to help me with this blog post, and so he told me some of the reasons that he likes me. I was amazed to see that a lot of the reasons that he gave actually kind of pertain to my situation. This is some of what he wrote:

I'm not looking to date/marry perfection; one should marry potential. And let me tell you, the potential I see in you is freaking amazing. You are already amazing in some areas, specifically spiritually, which leads to [another] reason (probably one of the biggest). 

Your spirituality. Spirituality is something very important to me, and the relationship you have forged with your Savior is beautiful. Also, how you've handled trials in your life has blown me away; you have a rock-solid testimony in the things that matter. And in things that you struggle with, you continue forward in faith. You turn to God and enlist His help in your daily life and in all of your struggles. To me, when I think of you, I think of obedience. Obedience and conversion are two of the greatest attributes that impress me...

Also, how you've handled trials in your life has blown me away; you have a rock-solid testimony in the things that matter...

I am impressed at your self-reliant attitude of doing everything you can and then enlisting the help of others. You are also humble enough to seek that help when you need it. So, you also have the attribute of humility.

Sure, you have struggles, but you are trying hard. You are seeking out God. You aren't just sitting around; you are working your butt off to do your best, and I admire and love that. Too many people sit by idly. You do something about your situation. You may not yet be where you want to be, but your dedication and persistence in working towards it inspires and impresses me.

Also, you serve and have empathy for others, even in the midst of your own suffering...

So you ask, why do I like you? Why am I patient? I have a lot of reasons... but the most important ones don't pertain to health struggles you have or difficult emotions you experience. The most important reasons pertain to your heart and spirit. That's what I see. And the great potential that shines from them reminds me that [it] is the true character of you that will hold true and win out through your struggles. I guess I don't see your struggles as [being as] permanent as your character. I see your character, and that's what I love.

So, I hope now you see why I feel the way I do about you. More importantly, I hope you see these things in yourself.

Tyler cares about me not despite my struggles, but actually because of them! Because of the way that I handle them. He's acknowledges my shortcomings, but chooses to look past them to see my strengths. He sees my ability to keep on keeping on throughout my difficulties as great strength in me. And because of that, he is able to be patient and loving. He looks beyond what I see and sees who I am becoming because of this crazy year that I'm having.

I just about bawled in Relief Society on Sunday. The teacher read the poem The Touch of a Master's Hand and I realized something. My ex fell in love with me when I was shiny and new; when I was at my best. But he didn't appreciate me. He didn't recognize my worth. He dropped me and scratched me and dragged me through the dirt.

But Tyler likes me even now. He sees the bumps and bruises, the scars and the dirt, but he also sees who I am inside. He sees my potential, my divine worth. He appreciates me more now than my ex did when I was beautiful and new. He knows that there is much more to me than immediately meets the eye.

Tyler sees my worth even when it is difficult for me to always see it myself. In his mind, he's not dating a victim. He's dating a survivor. And that, I think, is what makes all of the difference.

Lost Girls

So a few months ago I watched the (then) new Lindsey Stirling music video, Lost Girls. It's a sequel to Shatter Me. For this post, you really do need to watch the videos for any of this to really make sense, so I'll wait a minute while you do that.


....... *whistles to self*.......*microwaves something*.......*in the distance, crickets*......


Okay cool.

So when I watched Lost Girls that first time, something hit me hard. Sometimes, we're in situations that really aren't the best for us, but we don't know any other way to live, so we stay in them. We're afraid to leave even though we know that there are better things out there. And then if we do manage to venture out a bit, we are often tempted to just go right back because it's familiar.

This is why abusive relationships are so rough.

You fall in love with someone. They make you really happy and you can't imagine life without them. And then the abuse starts. But by then it's like you're trapped. You no longer know how to live without them. And so you just don't find out. You stay. And you get hurt. And you stay some more. And you keep getting hurt. And then maybe you say "enough is enough" and you try to get out of it. But then you realize that you would almost rather be in an abusive relationship than try to learn how to live outside of it again.

There is so much that I want to say about abuse that I haven't quite figured out how to say yet. Hopefully I'll manage it someday.

But for now I'll go with this aspect.

Because before I myself was abused, it was so easy for me to look at people in abusive relationships and just be like "why don't you just leave him/her?"

Now I know that it's not that easy.

It's actually really hard. It's hard because there is still this picture in your mind of what was. And you have the teensiest glimmer of a hope that maybe, just maybe, things will be like that again someday. And you know deep down that it probably won't be. But you hold on to that hope anyway because, again, you don't know how else to live anymore. This is your life and it's not great, but it's what you've got.

Plus, when you're being abused, you feel like everything is your fault. Leaving won't make anything better because you'll just end up in the same situation with someone else. You're just not good enough for anyone, but this guy/girl is still with you for some reason, so you hold on to them because you feel like the likelihood of anyone ever wanting to be with you again is slim to none.

Depressing, no?

I've been there. I've been with someone who made me feel like I would never, ever measure up. I was constantly trying to prove to both myself and him that I could be good enough for him. It was exhausting.

Somewhere in my head I knew that I probably would be better off without him, but the thought of leaving terrified me. What if I wasn't good enough for anyone? What if I had blown my only chance of being with someone?

I even knew that being single for the rest of my life would probably be better than this. But I still stayed and stayed and stayed.

And things actually did end up getting better. He stopped abusing me. Things started going well again and he actually did seem to be becoming the man that I fell in love with again.

Or so I thought.

In reality, it was more of an act than anything. What I thought was improvement ended up actually being an increased capacity to lie. And when everything came to light, that was it. He was officially gone from my life. Not because I left, but because he was in jail.

And I was left with that feeling of "I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to NOT have him in my life." And I didn't. But let me tell you something, I'm managing. And not only that, but I have been able to find a lot of joy. I'm struggling because I have PTSD. I'm struggling because I was very used to having a person and learning how to not have one anymore has been hard. But Heavenly Father has taken SUCH good care of me.

I really didn't think that I could do this. But I think that a part of me forgot that I can never be fully lost because God is there to lead the way. Even when thrown into a life that I don't understand and never could have imagined, this "lost girl" will find a way because Jesus Christ is the Way. He has been helping me through this time all along.

Here is an excerpt from this article about Lost Girls:

In her behind-the-scenes video, Lindsey explains that the ballerina notices that the trapped ballerinas are lovely and clean, unlike Lindsey who fell down in the woods and has some bruises, dirt smudges, cuts, and a ripped dress. The ballerina seems to realize that even though her old snowglobe had confined her, she felt safe and life seemed much easier inside of it. As she touches one of the snowglobes, the dirt smudges on her arm disappear. Behind the scenes, Lindsey explains, “The temptation will always be there to fall back into whatever old patterns or habits we had whether it’s … a bad relationship or insecurities or an eating disorder … There’s always the temptation to go back because for some reason it’s strangely comforting. However … I’m so much happier. I’m such a different person than I was back in the day when I was literally trapped. … When I really think about it, it becomes very apparent that I never want to go back, and that takes strength. It takes constant vigilance and work, but … So worth it. I do not want to be a lost girl.”

...Lindsey shares that “Shatter Me” was a depiction of how she overcame anorexia. Like the ballerina, Lindsey worried that if she tried to break free of her eating disorder, that she would lose her value. Fortunately, she was able to overcome her anorexia and has become a YouTube star as a result. Lindsey pours her heart and soul into her art, and she hopes to not only express herself but also to send a positive message to people out there who may be going through similar experiences.

In “Lost Girls,” after the ballerina runs away from the girls trapped in the snowglobes, a witch appears and conjures a globe around Lindsey. At first, the ballerina appears unsure about whether or not she wants to have a snowglobe again. She has a flashback about the times when she had been in a snowglobe. That is when she realizes that she doesn’t want to be trapped again. She shatters her globe, showing that the “lost girl” inside her is “dying away.” Lindsey never wants to go back. After that, she finds one of the ballerinas who used to be in a snowglobe and takes her hand, symbolizing that she will help her on her path to recovery.

Just as Lindsey was able to find the strength to stay lost until she found a better way to live rather than going back to what she knew, I have had to be content to feel lost for a while.

But let me tell you a story.

A week ago today (October 3, 2017), I was laying on the floor of my living room crying. I was talking to my best friend Tyler on the phone about a multitude of worries and frustrations ranging from not being able to focus on my classes to my dating fears. I told him that while I knew that there are plenty of good things about me, I feel like the bad far outweighs the good at the moment. "Who would want to be with me when I can't even hold a job or keep up with my homework?"

Not that I felt ready to date anyway. The thought still terrified me. I felt more comfortable being lost than I was with the idea of potentially being trapped in abuse again.

So while I lamented the idea that no one would ever want me, I also didn't feel ready to handle it if someone actually did.

Now let me tell you about today.

Tyler and I started officially dating today.

Literally, I could not even begin to tell you what the freak just happened.

Tyler has been an amazing support through this year. We were friends before (well, mostly I was just who he came to for dating advice), but after my ex was arrested, Tyler really stepped up his friend game. He would take me out once a week just to get me out of my apartment and make sure that I was eating. He always made sure to have a cute or funny story to tell me and made sure that I knew that what we did when we went out to eat was up to me. We could talk about what happened, we could talk about other things, we could not talk at all, I could do whatever I needed to do at the moment.

Even when he went home for Spring semester and Summer, he would call me every so often just to see how I was doing. He still was sure to have a story to tell me to get my mind off of things. I even texted him a few times when I was really struggling and just asked him to talk to me and tell me a story.

Through all of this, our friendship grew, but I didn't have any stronger feelings for him than that.

When we got back to school, I was still the friend that he talked to about girls that he was interested in and he was still the friend that I talked to when I was upset. He also became my running buddy. I've been wanting to get back into running, but have been struggling to motivate myself to do it, so Tyler helps me to get out to the track to run. He also became my study buddy. I have the hardest time focusing on homework, which has resulted in me falling behind even though we're only a few weeks into the semester.

So we started spending good chunks of every day together. But he was still just my best friend.

And then something changed around Wednesday of last week. I was coming to realize more and more how much I appreciate Tyler and all that he has done for me. I realized that I had been happier than I've felt since... before. I really noticed it while I was doing my clean check. I turned on my Spotify playlist and started jamming out while I cleaned. I didn't feel the need to skip a single song. I didn't skip any cutesy songs about love. I didn't skip any sad songs. I just rocked out to all of them and was super happy!

I was feeling straight up happy for the first time in 8 months and the only thing that had changed in my life was spending more time with Tyler.

We chatted that night and I told him that I was starting to have feelings for him. He admitted that he had feelings for me too. But here's the HUGE thing:

He told me that he had liked me for a little while, but that he was never going to bring it up unless he could see that I was starting to feel that way about him. He knew that what I really needed was a good friend and so that's what he would be. If something developed, cool, but if not, he was just going to be that friend for me.

He cared more about my well-being than he did about what he hoped for. He was willing to put aside what he wanted for what I needed. And that is a big deal.

Abuse cares more about how the other person can please them than anything. Tyler cares more about me.

I honestly forgot what it felt like to be so completely happy. I had worried that I wasn't even capable of it anymore.

Not that my life is all sunshine and roses now. I still have felt major anxiety over the past two days. I still sobbed Friday night for no good reason. But when I'm with him, I just feel so calm. It's like the anxiety pretty much melts away.

When we're apart, the anxiety sets back in. I worry about dating because of how badly I've been hurt before. I worry that I'm rushing into something that I'm not prepared for. Heck, I didn't feel prepared just a few days ago!

But somehow Tyler is able to alleviate those fears. And he is endlessly patient with me. He's seen me at my lowest points. He knows that dating is scary for me. And so he is more than willing to take everything at my pace. He's letting me take the lead on this one and that's really what I need. I need someone who can see my struggles, but can also see past them into my heart. I need someone who will work with my PTSD because he knows that I'm trying my best.

I'm texting Tyler right now and he literally just said "If you truly care for someone, why would you push them?" And that is why he has become my someone.

My ex pushed me beyond my limits in so many ways. But he can't reach me anymore.

This lost girl still doesn't know how to deal with everything, but is feeling ever more optimistic about what this new life has in store for her.

So please know that if you are feeling trapped in a situation where you are not being treated like the son or daughter of God that you are, it really will be okay if you leave it. You should never feel like you are only worth something if _______.

It's not going to be easy- this year sure as heck has been excruciatingly difficult for me -but "lost girls"- or boys -will always "find a way" if they are following God.

It will take time. There will be plenty of stumbles and falls. But I promise you that Heavenly Father does not want you to be in a situation where you struggle to feel your divine worth. He has much, MUCH better things in store for you and He will help you to get to them if you have the faith and courage to leave your bubble of what you know in order to find the higher plane that Heavenly Father has in store for you.

You really can live without him. You really can live without her. But you cannot live without the Savior. He lights the way. He IS the Way. So take that step of faith out of the bubble and prepare to be guided and directed to a life that it much, much better than anything that you've ever dreamed of. Heavenly Father wants so much more for you than this. You only have to choose to let Him give it to you.

Ps- This article describes what it's like to be in an abusive relationship:

"I strongly believed he’s not like that; he couldn’t be.

I would never fall for such a guy. I kept thinking it was just a phase and it’ll be over soon. The sad part is, it never ended."

"I dated someone who I didn’t really know.

Because he never showed me his true face. It could be that he had one too many faces

I wanted him to be the man I thought he was. I constantly waited for him to be the guy I’ve created in my head and maybe this is the reason I stayed too long with him."

Holy cow. I didn't experience all of the things that this girl talks about, but some of this is completely spot on for me.

This is what it's like to be in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship. I love that she ends with strength. I did lose myself for a while. But in the end, I've found a stronger version of myself. This lost girl really is finding her way through this.