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| Imagine that this picture is the other way around, where the girl is the one filled with anxiety and it is "Him" that makes it go away. That way it perfectly fits my situation. |
You feel like no one is ever going to want to be with you because you're broken. You're afraid that if you do find someone, they'll just end up hurting you too. Or that they'll realize at some point that you're not actually worth the baggage.
Physical touch can be anxiety-inducing. Who wants to be with someone that they can't even hold hands with all the time- let alone kiss -without potentially causing an anxiety attack?
Nope. I felt like I needed to "fix" myself first. I had to somehow get over my fears, anxiety, and PTSD all on my own before I'm 60. Because if I didn't, no one would ever want to be with me.
Sure I have plenty of friends that have been super patient with me and very loving and supportive, but would anyone really want to deal with me on a more frequent, more permanent basis? Definitely not.
Sure I have plenty of friends that have been super patient with me and very loving and supportive, but would anyone really want to deal with me on a more frequent, more permanent basis? Definitely not.
And yet.
Tyler.
Freaking Tyler. I don't know what the heck I did to deserve him.
Tyler has seen me at my lowest. He's seen me with no makeup on, sobbing, getting snot all over everything. He's seen me reserved and filled with anxiety.
Tyler knows that I lost my job. He knows that I struggle keeping up with classes. He knows that I still cry rather frequently. He knows that I'm terrified.
Tyler knows that I lost my job. He knows that I struggle keeping up with classes. He knows that I still cry rather frequently. He knows that I'm terrified.
He knows. But he still wants to be with me.
(I swear there were no love potions involved, it's just a freaking miracle.)
(I swear there were no love potions involved, it's just a freaking miracle.)
Tyler wasn't fazed when I had anxiety attacks the first couple of times that we kissed. And he let me make the first move because he knew that it was scary for me.
Tyler didn't make me feel at all bad the couple of times that I've had to stop cuddling with him on the couch while we watched a movie because I was getting super anxious all of a sudden.
He just takes everything with an "okay" and a "whatever you need." He is perfectly content to take my lead on everything. I know that there are times where he would like to kiss me but doesn't. And I'm sure that he would like to continue holding my hand or whatever, but he is endlessly patient with me if I need a break.
He just takes everything with an "okay" and a "whatever you need." He is perfectly content to take my lead on everything. I know that there are times where he would like to kiss me but doesn't. And I'm sure that he would like to continue holding my hand or whatever, but he is endlessly patient with me if I need a break.
Tyler is everything that I need. Because Tyler doesn't see me as damaged or weak. He sees me working my butt off trying to heal. He sees me doing my best to serve others, even in the midst of my own trials. Tyler sees everything good in me that I struggle to see in myself when I seem to be drowning in an ocean of fears, worries, and shortcomings.
This kid amazes me every single day.
It's like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm waiting for him to realize that slogging through PTSD with me is no fun and not worth his time. I'm waiting for him to stop caring about what is best for me, because that's what happened before. I'm essentially waiting for something to go horrendously wrong.
But at the same time, I trust Tyler. I trust him not to hurt me like my ex hurt me. I try hard to believe him when he tells me that I make his life better too, not just the other way around. I am amazed that he feels like being patient with me is worth his time, but I know that he actually does feel that way somehow.
Tyler is doing everything right. He doesn't push me to move faster than I am ready for. He makes sure that I know that I don't ever have to feel like I need to do anything that I don't feel like I can handle at the moment.
Tyler doesn't get frustrated by my constant need to be reassured that he actually does like and want to be with me.
Tyler doesn't get frustrated by my constant need to be reassured that he actually does like and want to be with me.
He understands that none of this is his fault. I'm not anxious because he is doing anything wrong. I am not afraid because HE scares me. He is always sure to ask me if there is anything that he can do (or not do) to help me to feel more comfortable. He does more than I ever could have expected (or hoped for) from anyone.
And because of that, I feel safe. Because of that, even though I do get anxious, I am able to stay much calmer because he is there with me.
Even though it sometimes is being with him that is making me anxious, it is also being with HIM that helps calm me as well. I couldn't even begin to explain that, so the poor guy doesn't always know what to do with me. Because cuddling with him made me anxious tonight, but it was also soothing. Simply being with him helps to calm my doubts and fears. And if he doesn't know what to do, then he either does nothing until I do, or he asks me what I need from him.
He assures me that it's okay if I'm scared. It's okay if I need to cry. It's okay that I'm not completely okay right now. And that means the world to me because I know that he really means it.
I could never have imagined myself finding a guy who could be okay with me panicking at physical touch and being super worried that he'll leave me or hurt me someday. I never in a million years thought that I would find someone who would want to take me as I am. Who thinks that the person that I am right now is wonderful, scars and insecurities and all.
The song Only Us from Dear Evan Hansen sums up how I feel pretty dang well.
You don't have to be scared you're not enough
'Cause what we've got going is good...
I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me...
It's not so impossible
'Cause you're saying it's possible...
So it can be us
It can be us
And only us
And what came before won't count anymore or matter
We can try that
I asked Tyler to help me with this blog post, and so he told me some of the reasons that he likes me. I was amazed to see that a lot of the reasons that he gave actually kind of pertain to my situation. This is some of what he wrote:
I'm not looking to date/marry perfection; one should marry potential. And let me tell you, the potential I see in you is freaking amazing. You are already amazing in some areas, specifically spiritually, which leads to [another] reason (probably one of the biggest).
Your spirituality. Spirituality is something very important to me, and the relationship you have forged with your Savior is beautiful. Also, how you've handled trials in your life has blown me away; you have a rock-solid testimony in the things that matter. And in things that you struggle with, you continue forward in faith. You turn to God and enlist His help in your daily life and in all of your struggles. To me, when I think of you, I think of obedience. Obedience and conversion are two of the greatest attributes that impress me...
Also, how you've handled trials in your life has blown me away; you have a rock-solid testimony in the things that matter...
I am impressed at your self-reliant attitude of doing everything you can and then enlisting the help of others. You are also humble enough to seek that help when you need it. So, you also have the attribute of humility.
Sure, you have struggles, but you are trying hard. You are seeking out God. You aren't just sitting around; you are working your butt off to do your best, and I admire and love that. Too many people sit by idly. You do something about your situation. You may not yet be where you want to be, but your dedication and persistence in working towards it inspires and impresses me.
Also, you serve and have empathy for others, even in the midst of your own suffering...
So you ask, why do I like you? Why am I patient? I have a lot of reasons... but the most important ones don't pertain to health struggles you have or difficult emotions you experience. The most important reasons pertain to your heart and spirit. That's what I see. And the great potential that shines from them reminds me that [it] is the true character of you that will hold true and win out through your struggles. I guess I don't see your struggles as [being as] permanent as your character. I see your character, and that's what I love.
So, I hope now you see why I feel the way I do about you. More importantly, I hope you see these things in yourself.
Tyler cares about me not despite my struggles, but actually because of them! Because of the way that I handle them. He's acknowledges my shortcomings, but chooses to look past them to see my strengths. He sees my ability to keep on keeping on throughout my difficulties as great strength in me. And because of that, he is able to be patient and loving. He looks beyond what I see and sees who I am becoming because of this crazy year that I'm having.
I just about bawled in Relief Society on Sunday. The teacher read the poem The Touch of a Master's Hand and I realized something. My ex fell in love with me when I was shiny and new; when I was at my best. But he didn't appreciate me. He didn't recognize my worth. He dropped me and scratched me and dragged me through the dirt.
But Tyler likes me even now. He sees the bumps and bruises, the scars and the dirt, but he also sees who I am inside. He sees my potential, my divine worth. He appreciates me more now than my ex did when I was beautiful and new. He knows that there is much more to me than immediately meets the eye.
Tyler sees my worth even when it is difficult for me to always see it myself. In his mind, he's not dating a victim. He's dating a survivor. And that, I think, is what makes all of the difference.
I'm not looking to date/marry perfection; one should marry potential. And let me tell you, the potential I see in you is freaking amazing. You are already amazing in some areas, specifically spiritually, which leads to [another] reason (probably one of the biggest).
Your spirituality. Spirituality is something very important to me, and the relationship you have forged with your Savior is beautiful. Also, how you've handled trials in your life has blown me away; you have a rock-solid testimony in the things that matter. And in things that you struggle with, you continue forward in faith. You turn to God and enlist His help in your daily life and in all of your struggles. To me, when I think of you, I think of obedience. Obedience and conversion are two of the greatest attributes that impress me...
Also, how you've handled trials in your life has blown me away; you have a rock-solid testimony in the things that matter...
I am impressed at your self-reliant attitude of doing everything you can and then enlisting the help of others. You are also humble enough to seek that help when you need it. So, you also have the attribute of humility.
Sure, you have struggles, but you are trying hard. You are seeking out God. You aren't just sitting around; you are working your butt off to do your best, and I admire and love that. Too many people sit by idly. You do something about your situation. You may not yet be where you want to be, but your dedication and persistence in working towards it inspires and impresses me.
Also, you serve and have empathy for others, even in the midst of your own suffering...
So you ask, why do I like you? Why am I patient? I have a lot of reasons... but the most important ones don't pertain to health struggles you have or difficult emotions you experience. The most important reasons pertain to your heart and spirit. That's what I see. And the great potential that shines from them reminds me that [it] is the true character of you that will hold true and win out through your struggles. I guess I don't see your struggles as [being as] permanent as your character. I see your character, and that's what I love.
So, I hope now you see why I feel the way I do about you. More importantly, I hope you see these things in yourself.
Tyler cares about me not despite my struggles, but actually because of them! Because of the way that I handle them. He's acknowledges my shortcomings, but chooses to look past them to see my strengths. He sees my ability to keep on keeping on throughout my difficulties as great strength in me. And because of that, he is able to be patient and loving. He looks beyond what I see and sees who I am becoming because of this crazy year that I'm having.
I just about bawled in Relief Society on Sunday. The teacher read the poem The Touch of a Master's Hand and I realized something. My ex fell in love with me when I was shiny and new; when I was at my best. But he didn't appreciate me. He didn't recognize my worth. He dropped me and scratched me and dragged me through the dirt.
But Tyler likes me even now. He sees the bumps and bruises, the scars and the dirt, but he also sees who I am inside. He sees my potential, my divine worth. He appreciates me more now than my ex did when I was beautiful and new. He knows that there is much more to me than immediately meets the eye.
Tyler sees my worth even when it is difficult for me to always see it myself. In his mind, he's not dating a victim. He's dating a survivor. And that, I think, is what makes all of the difference.
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