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| Picture found at: https://www.the91rewind.com/blog/2015/11/23/do-you-want-more-kids |
As my son is getting older, I am having more and more instances of people asking if/when we are going to have more kids.
I know that they mean well and are just curious, but can we go into 2023 with the idea that unless you are really close to someone, you don't ask about that? That it should never be an offhand question? Because that can be a massively loaded question. Some people simply don't want (more) children for reasons that are completely their own. But there are also SO many people that desperately want (more) children but for a multitude of reasons, they might not be able to right now.
Here are a few off the top of my head:
Infertility issues
Miscarriages that you don't know about
They are in an abusive relationship and don't want to bring a(nother) child into it
Mental/physical health issues that they are trying to get a handle on first, or make pregnancy completely unbearable, or would make the newborn stage incredibly difficult to handle
Trauma surrounding a previous pregnancy/childbirth
They have been trying to adopt and have hit obstacles (and there are many)
If someone feels comfortable enough with you to tell you their reasons, they probably will, in their own time. But at the end of the day, it's not really your business.
I know someone that was severely bipolar and couldn't take her meds while pregnant. Being off of her meds was incredibly detrimental for herself, her husband, and her children. And that is an understatement. Her and her husband worked through it, but if after one pregnancy it was clear that another would be way too much (especially now that they had a kid), then it would have been completely valid for them to decide not to conceive again, no matter how much they may have wanted to. They had more than one, but there were significant age gaps between them because of their situation.
I know another person who gained a TON of medical problems because of getting pregnant. Things that I didn't even know could happen. Like that she now has food allergies that she had never had before. She loves her child dearly, but because of how much of a beating her body took, she and her husband decided not to have any more.
I know countless others (including myself) that are in one (or more) of the situations that I listed above.
It's hard enough to desperately want another child but not be able to for some reason.
I already get a pang in my heart when I see so many of my friends that had babies around the same time as me have a second one be pregnant.
My son is older now than I had ever planned for him to be before getting pregnant again.
I am not getting into my reasons right now. That's kind of the point of all of this. This is incredibly personal for me.
So if you're curious (and I get it, I'm an incredibly curious person) but either you are not super close to the person and/or the answer has no effect on your own life, then please take a beat before asking and ask yourself "Do I really need to know?" Because if you don't, then there is no reason to put someone in the awkward and potentially painful position of answering.
This also goes for making comments about someone getting pregnant again or anything of that nature.
At the end of the day, bringing children into a family is a sacred decision that is ultimately between the family and God. There are many, many factors to consider and it is not a decision that most people take lightly. Such a weighty topic should not be addressed in the flippant way that many people seem to do it in. So please keep that in mind next time you think to bring it up. And then... don't.
