For Those Who Know Part 5: Worry About Yourself Part 2

I promise that there are only two parts to the 5th part of this series. I also promise that this post isn't quite as long as the scroll bar is making it look. There's just a ton of pictures in this one.

Okay then, moving on.

So in my last post I talked about worrying about yourself instead of worrying about your ex. Now it's time to talk about what exactly "worrying about yourself" actually means.

I went to my first counseling appointment with my new counselor today. I took it as a good sign that she was wearing a shirt with stars on it, as stars are my favorite. 

I've gotta admit, having a professional say "Wow. That's... a lot" after I had only told her about the arrest was very validating. And then I went on to tell her about everything that happened before that and she seemed stunned. A mental health professional that specializes in addiction, abuse, trauma, and borderline personality disorder was still stunned by what I had to tell her about my life as of the past two years. Huh.

She told me that she could tell that I really have the drive to get better and she's right. I'm not content to wallow forever. And I've tried not to do that anyway, but that's what a lot of my life is right now. Wallowing. 

Wallowing in sadness, in stress about school, my health, my financial situation (I can't put those two words together without thinking of Hamilton...), my fear of dating, etc. 

I spend so much time feeling sad and overwhelmed. I want to get better, but have such a hard time finding the motivation to do anything. And I'm always so tired. And my body hates me. And and and...

And that's how things go when you've literally been traumatized. It actually physically messes up your brain. And brain damage takes time to repair. Yup, I just said that I have brain damage. Cool. Hahahaha

So here is what it really means to worry about yourself:

Give your brain the opportunity, the tools, and the time to repair.

This requires a few different realizations:

1- That healing is absolutely going to take time.

2- That you CANNOT DO THIS BY YOURSELF.

3- That you are stronger than you think.

4- That self-care is not selfish.

5- That going to the professionals is important.

6- That things really can and will get better.

7- That there is an awful lot to be grateful for right now, even when life sucks.

8- That God is on your side, by your side, rooting for you, lifting you, sending you blessings, etc. etc. etc.

So let's take these one at a time.

1- Healing takes time

I think that I've written about this before, but I'm going to do it again.

When my ex-fiance was arrested last January and everything in my life was turned upside down, inside out, and backwards, I told myself that I would surely be okay again by Fall semester. Not great, but okay. That gave me 9 months to heal enough. No problem.

HA.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to put a timeline on your healing. That's all I'm going to say about that because I already addressed this in Part 3 of this series.

2- You CANNOT do this alone

Look, I'm the type of person that loves to help others but HATES to need help. I'm the type of person that feels like I'm imposing on people and that I'm just making their lives harder if I ask them for help/rely on them.

I get it.

BUT.

Heavenly Father has a way of making me accept help. Usually it's when I'm seriously ill. But this time it's by making me realize that I literally can't get through all of this by myself.

Again, I've written about this before so I won't dwell on it too, too much. But sometimes we need to read it a few different times in a few different ways in order for it to really sink into our stubborn skulls.

I- who have tried to do things all by myself when I literally could hardly walk -have asked for the most arbitrary things ever over the past year or so. "I need a boy hug, I need someone to make me eat, I need someone to play with my hair, I need a ride to xyz, I need someone to play a game with me to distract me, I need to not be alone, I need to be told a gazillion times that I'm worth loving," and on, and on, and on.

Glory. Sometimes I'm straight up amazed that I have friends.

I mean really. I feel like I'm so dang needy! And I don't even ask for help all of the times that I could use it (and they yell at me for that ;) ). It's like I keep waiting for them to be like, "Yeah... This girl is too much. Peace" and then leave. But I know that they won't. Which is an amazing thing for me to know because I really struggle with the concept of people actually wanting to stick it out as my friends. But it's true.

And I need you to know that there are people who love you too. People who will be more than happy to fulfill your random needs. People who see that you are totally, completely worth loving. Let them help you. I assure you that if you don't, you're only making your road to recovery about 264% more difficult for yourself, and that would be a very poor life decision indeed.

Yup. ALL THE TIME.

3- You are stronger than you think

I am being dang repetitive in this post, but it's needed, so oh well. Go back to Parts 1 and 3 for more on this.

But really though.

When I was talking to my friend that inspired this entire series, I pointed something out to her.

I said something to the effect of "You know how much I'm struggling. You know that I don't sleep or eat properly and that I cry all the time. Do you think that I'm weak?" Obviously she said no because that's what everyone says. And when she said no, I gestured to her like "And there's my point!" All of you crazy people keep telling me that I'm so strong. I don't feel like I am. But I look at others that are going through situations like mine and I see SO much strength in them! So take it from yourself when you tell me that I'm strong that you are equally strong.

Okay thanks.

Literally me every time someone tells me that I'm "strong" or "inspiring."

4- Self-care is not selfish

Okay, so a "Treat yo'seeeeeelf!" mentality isn't necessarily what we're going for here. But allowing yourself to take care of yourself is SO IMPORTANT.

Again. I like to be the one helping. I would much rather make someone else happy than worry about what I need. Part of the reason it was so easy for my ex to abuse me without me knowing. I am all about putting others first, even if that means that I myself am miserable.

That's not good.

Caring for others is absolutely important. But you can't help anyone else very well at all if you yourself are the hottest of messes.

And I'm not saying that you can't help other people at all while you heal, but you do have to let yourself sit back and let someone else do it sometimes. And that sucks. A lot. But you've got to do it.

Self-care is all about honing in on your own needs. And those needs are different than you're used to (see "I need someone to make sure that I eat" above). It is literally okay if you need to take a nap. Taking 12 hour naps like I tend to isn't necessarily ideal, but it is okay to acknowledge that being sad and trying to heal is freaking exhausting.

If you have the money, it's okay to go somewhere else for a while and just get away from it all. Or buy yourself that yummy whatever. Or get a massage. Or whatever else you might honestly need at the moment. And those things, again, may seem arbitrary. But if they help you to feel better, then they're necessary.

This has honestly been a really hard one for me to find a good balance with because I can definitely think of things that will make me feel better, but I can't even afford rent, so I really need to not go around spending all of the money that I don't have on treats and trips. But there are other ways that I can take care of myself, I just have to dig a little bit deeper sometimes to find them.

The point is, taking care of yourself is a very, very good thing! It's okay to slow down a bit as your poor heart and brain try to process everything.

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish and it isn't weak. It takes a special strength to be able to take a step back, say "I need help", and then do something about it.

5- Professionals are literally trained to help you. LET THEM.

This can be a super touchy subject for people, so I'm just going to dive right in!

There is nothing weak about working with a counselor. 

There is nothing weak about taking medicine for your mental health.

Guess what? Both of those things actually show a crap ton of strength! It goes back to admitting that, "Hey! I can't do this by myself, but I'm determined to heal, so let's get going!"

I'm not exactly the poster-child for this since (before today) I literally haven't met with a counselor since probably March or April. But I finally changed that today.

I get that talking to a therapist might not be high on your list of things that you just love doing! But if actually feeling strong, healed, and like you're actually accomplishing things with your life, then you've got to find a good counselor. And it's not a fun search. And it's hard to drudge up the motivation to go on that search. But it will be worth it. And I will keep you updated on how my counseling experience goes.

Depending on your situation and if you have one nearby, use whatever version of the Family Crisis Center is available. Holy Hannah I wish that I had had someone tell me about- and make me go to -the Family Crisis Center WAY sooner. I learned about them Fall semester and then took a million years to work up the courage/motivation to actually go there.

Let me explain to you really quick what it is that I'm talking about. When I went to the Family Crisis Center, I was given a personal advocate to work with that has so far: researched therapists to help me to find the best one that I can walk to, given me the paperwork for and kept track of the progress on my victim's compensation so that I can afford said therapy, called periodically to check up on me, given me information on other resources that they provide such as a thrift store and a fresh food bank, etc. I literally have a person that I don't have to pay a single penny to that takes care of all of the things that I have struggled to work up the motivation for for MONTHS. She also told me that if I had come sooner, she would have gone to court stuff with me and such as well. She's freaking dynamite and I love her already.

Moving on.

Meds. 

I've been on depression medicine for over a year now. Does it mean that I never feel sad? Of course not! But does it help me to function and allow me to feel happy? YES. And it's not that the medicine gives me some fake sense of euphoria or anything (I am not taking cocaine you see), it rather allows me to feel my own genuine feelings of happiness with less of the cloud of depression dampening everything. 

I kid you not, I ran out of my depression medicine a couple of months ago and wasn't able to refill it for a couple of days and I was a complete wreck for those days. THAT is what is unnatural, not the happiness that I am able to feel when I take my medicine. After feeling that level of anxiety and depression again, I realized that there is no way that I'd be going anywhere without my depression meds.

Again, finding the right medicine and dosage can be a bit of a process. But it will be worth it when you find them.

Now I'm not saying that taking medicine is going to heal you. Because it won't. But it will help you to better take the steps to healing that are awfully hard to take when you're bogged down by depression, anxiety, or whatever.

Medicine isn't a problem solver, but it's an aide in the process.

Seeking professional help is not weak. Stop telling yourself that it is. Stop letting other people tell you that it is. There is no shame in going to someone that actually has the tools to help you. That would be intelligence.

Not to say that "nature therapy" and whatever won't help, but those things by themselves are rarely helpful since finding the motivation to go on a hike when you feel like crap is kind of impossible sometimes. There are many, many steps to recovery and "natural" ways are some of them, but professional help is also a very important step.

This video is super great, watch it.

6- Things absolutely can, and will, get better!

I'll keep this one short and sweet.

Sometimes it feels like you're going to be like this for the rest of forever. You'll never accomplish anything else in your life and you're always going to be sad, etc. Not true. Healing is absolutely possible and things will improve. I promise you. 

I suck at trying to heal, but things have gotten a lot better for me anyway through the efforts that I have managed to put in. And if "Wow that's a lot" me can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise that there is one for you too. Even if you've gone through much worse than I have, things can still get better.

See this post.

7- There is a lot to be grateful for

Again, short and sweet since this post is already super long.

I promise you that there are blessings being showered down on you that you may not recognize.

In the midst of this crazy mess that is your life, there are tender mercies everywhere. Your friends, that sale on your favorite treat, that person complimenting your shirt, your favorite song coming on the radio, that absolutely gorgeous sunset that you only saw because you got out of your whatever late, etc.

Learn to recognize the good because that's what will keep you going.

See this post.

8- God is on your team

This one is my favorite.

Think about it. There is an all-powerful, all-knowing Being who literally wants your happiness more than you do. This Person loves you fully, sees your strength, and perfectly understands your struggles. 

Holy. Freaking. Cow.

How cool is that?!

With all of the advice that I give, the number one most important thing for you to know is that God wants to help you but you have to let Him.

Healing is only possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He knows how you feel because He has been there. He has lived every second of your pain and so He knows exactly how to fix it. Don't ignore this valuable resource. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you more than you can even comprehend. Their goal is your joy. Turn to Them. Listen to Them. Let Them in. Let Them heal you.

Heavenly Father knows that this is SO hard. He gets it. He sees you struggling and He doesn't see weakness. He sees strength, and courage, and determination. He is SO proud of you. He loves you. I promise you that He does. I don't care if you can feel it or not right now. It is 100% true. He loves you and He wants the absolute best for you. Let Him give it to you. 

You cannot do this without Him.

Okay, time to wrap up this crazy long post.

This whole healing thing sucks. And it's not easy. And it's not fun. And you probably hate it. I know I do.

But taking care of yourself and seeking help from loved ones, professionals, and God will be worth it. 

And eventually your life will suck less, and not be so hard, and will be more fun, and will be less hate-worthy. More than that, someday, you're going to love your life. And you'll love it all the more because of the crap storm that you bravely plowed through.

So please take the time necessary to worry about yourself. Take some of the love and service that you give to others and keep some of it for yourself.

The road to healing can be long, painful, and seemingly fruitless. But you've got to keep pushing forward.

Never stop on that road. Keep going. Even when it’s hard. ESPECIALLY when it's hard. 

It will be worth it. I promise.

PS- One more link. This was one of my first posts and I still love it :)

PPS- Here are a ton of pictures that can relate to everything that I have said (mostly pictures that I've had on standby for potential use in posts):

Porn Kills

Porn kills.

Porn kills love. Porn kills trust. Porn kills self-esteem. Porn kills individuals.

Pornography can and will ravage everything in its path in order to get what it wants. And what it wants is to be put above literally everything else in your life. Porn wants to come before relationships with Others. Porn wants to come before your relationship with yourself.

Porn will consume your life to the point where it is no longer yours. It is Porn’s.

Porn tells you that pleasure comes first. It tells you that there are no restrictions, no requirements. You can have pleasure whenever you want. You don’t have to work for it. It’s readily available at all times, you simply need to take advantage of it.

Porn tells you that it is more important than any person. Porn whispers that you can have pleasure without a single Other. All you need is a screen. All you need is Porn.

Porn likes to keep its relationships private and asks you to respect that. No one needs to know about you and it. It's not their business.

Porn tells you everything you need to know about “love.” Porn shows you how it’s done. Porn doesn’t care that it’s not real. Not only that, Porn convinces you that it is.

Porn watches warily as you bring an Other into the picture. Other makes you happy, but not in the same way that Porn does, so Porn knows that it will still see you often.

Porn has taught you to expect "love" to be exactly like it showed you, and it encourages you to practice what it taught. If Other disagrees with Porn's methods, it is only because they don't know any better. Porn tells you to teach them, but that there is no need to tell them who taught you.

Porn tells you that if Other doesn't get it, you only need to be a more disciplined teacher. Porn understands that it is hard to compare to, so encourages you to do all that you can to instruct Other until they get it.

Other must meet Porn's requirements if they are to measure up. Porn denies that its requirements are unattainable. If Other can't handle them, then why do you even need Other? You already have Porn.

Other doesn't seem to like the idea of Porn, so Porn tells you to continue to hide your relationship with it. You're not lying to Other. Not really. You're simply not telling Other everything. There's nothing wrong with that. Other wouldn't understand that you need Porn to keep you going, so Other doesn't need to know. Knowing would only make Other feel bad. Best to keep Porn to yourself.

Porn doesn't understand why you start to get upset with it. You used to love Porn. What's not to love? Porn makes you feel good. If it didn't, why would you keep going back to it?

Porn doesn't believe that there is a distinction between pleasure and happiness. If it brings one it brings the other, right?

Porn sees you getting down on yourself. It tells you that it will make everything better. All you need is Porn.

Other gets upset when they discover Porn, so Porn offers to make Other happy too if they'd like. Other rejects Porn's kind offer.

Porn doesn't know why you tell Other that you've broken up with it when you haven't. Porn still sees you all the time. Your relationship with it is stronger than ever!

But Porn notices that you don't seem happy to see it anymore, but Porn doesn't see why. Porn hasn't changed, but you treat it differently now.

Porn sees you become hateful towards it, yourself, and Other. Porn continues trying to make you happy, but it only seems to make things worse somehow.

Other seems different too. Other seems quieter, afraid. Porn doesn't know why. Other should be happy with all that Porn has taught you! Other should be happy that Porn has taken care of you for so long.

Porn watches Other leave, saying that they won't come back this time. Other seems to feel that they've been neglected and that your expectations of them are too impossibly high. Such a silly thought considering that Porn measures up, so clearly the standard isn't unreachable.

Porn welcomes you back into a monogamous relationship with it. In the end, Porn really does like it to be just you and it better anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, I'm not totally sure where that came from, but I do know that this is something that I've been wanting to write about for a while.

Ever since I started my blog, I've received a multitude of messages from women that I know and love that have had their lives destroyed by pornography. Women who have suffered abuse at the hands of boyfriends, fiances, and husbands that stemmed from pornography addiction. Women who were hurt for loving men who no longer understood what love is really all about.

A few of these women have gone through, or are going through, divorce because of their husband's intimate relationship with porn. And in each case, the man has lied their way into the marriage. They hid their addiction from the women that they were supposed to love more than anyone (or anything) else. But the truth always came out eventually, and with the truth came a wave of pain for the wife.

The pain of betrayal. Of realizing that she had been lied to over, and over, and over again. The pain of self-consciousness. Of wondering why she wasn't good enough; why her husband needed porn. And, finally, the pain of realization. Of realizing that she doesn't actually know the man that she married.

In each case, the wife tried to work through things with her husband, but he continued to lie and the mental, emotional, and- at times -physical abuse thrived as the husband tried to keep both his wife and his addiction.

Eventually, these women were able to muster up the strength to leave, but by then they had suffered an immense amount of damage. Pornography had killed their perceptions of love and trust, had killed their self-esteem, and had killed much of who they are as individuals.

I've previously written a bit about how pornography effects the significant other of the addict, but I want to make it clear that it isn't only the love and trust of others that pornography kills. It is also the love and trust of oneself.

Just as I know women who have been caught in the crossfire of love and porn, I also know both men and women who know the pain of being the addict themselves.

I've watched people that I love come to hate themselves because they can't seem to gain control over their addiction. I've seen them beat themselves up over and over again for losing to porn once again.

Some have told me of steps that they've taken to try to overcome their pornography addiction. But they've also told me how those steps often seem unfruitful. They've told me that they'd like to believe that they just won't look at porn ever again, but they know that they will. And they hate themselves for that. They can't trust their own minds and hormones.

Pornography consumes people in such a way that escape seems near-impossible. Some give up fighting and eventually resign themselves to a life of addiction.

Porn kills the ability to trust oneself, which, in turn, kills one's self-esteem, which kills one's love for oneself.

When we talk about porn killing, it's important to remember that the addicts themselves are targets just as much as, if not more than, those who are abused by addicts. Because addicts aren't porn.

They're people.

They're people that have been even more deeply effected by pornography than I have as the victim of a porn addict. They are people who have often lost themselves completely as pornography slowly but surely consumed them.

And I'm not saying that people who are addicted to porn aren't responsible for hurting those around them. I'm not excusing their actions because "porn made them do it." But I'm afraid that we are all too often guilty of focusing so much on how second-hand porn hurts us, that we neglect looking at what first-hand porn does to the actual addict.

As a survivor of abuse that stemmed from sexual addiction, I can honestly say that the second-hand effects of that addiction have hurt me in ways that I didn't know were possible. But I know that I'll recover from it over time. The recovery of the one who is addicted, though, requires a much harsher recovery process.

It's like the story of the frog in the pot. The frog was boiled not because it was scalded immediately, but because it acclimated to the ever-rising temperature until it was too late.

Sometimes we fall in love with someone that is sitting in a boiling pot (addiction) that we cannot see. As we get closer and closer to them, we get burned.

Even if we manage to jump away fairly quickly, those burns will take time to heal and will inhibit our regular functioning for a time. However, only a few layers of skin will need to be sloughed off and replaced before the effects start to wear off. It will take time, and some scars will often be left behind, but overall, the healing process is fairly straightforward.

Yet for the person who has been slowly boiled by pornography over time, the injuries sink down to the core. Recovery is absolutely possible, but being boiled has made them numb, which means that the more they recover, the more the burning sensation reappears. This makes re-submerging in the pot seem like a better alternative at times. Better numb than in pain.

They have been in the pot for so long that they've acclimated to it. They no longer know how to function outside of it.

It all happened so gradually. Each interaction with porn added only a degree or two to the stove top.

I don't know if any of this is making any sense at all whatsoever.

The point is, porn hurts EVERYONE that it touches. No one escapes the devastating effects of pornography addiction. Porn kills the addict's love, trust, and self-esteem; which essentially kills the addict as a person. Porn also kills the love, trust, and self-esteem of anyone that loves the addict; which also kills that person.

I know that I am certainly not the same person now that I was before pornography did a number on my life. I know that the women that have reached out to me are not the same people that they were before either. I also know that those who struggle with pornography addiction are also changed by porn.

On the one hand, a victim of addiction- who never would have hurt a fly previously -has the good in them tainted by the drug of pornography, turning them into someone that they no longer recognize. On the other hand, a victim of an addict is subjected to unrealistic standards, which slowly strips away all of their feelings of self-worth. It kills them as individuals and turns them into objects of pleasure instead.

Even if they eventually leave, they are left feeling like dregs of who they were before. They have to cope with newfound anxiety and depression. They don't feel like they are themselves any longer. Porn has killed them just as surely as it killed whoever their loved one was before they became addicted.

I know a couple of the (ex)-spouses of these women. They are men who seemed completely wonderful, just like my ex did. These were the last men that you would ever expect to have such a dark secret hidden away. It is incredible to me that such lovable men can be so enormously deceiving. I will never understand how one person can seem to have such two starkly different sides inside of them. How a person can hide an all-consuming entity like pornography until someone dates them, or gets engaged to them, or marries them. But it seems that just about every single one has mastered deception. Pornography taught them well.

And that is utterly terrifying.

I was talking to a friend about all of this a while ago and he confided in me that he is addicted to pornography. He made an interesting observation. He said that it must be almost more reassuring for me to know that someone is currently struggling with addiction than to have someone tell me that they aren't, because then at least I know for sure. And he honestly hit that one right on the head.

With all of the people that have reached out to me about their experiences with pornography, it really is difficult for me not to wonder if all of the seemingly fabulous guys around me are harboring an abusive addict inside. It kills me to realize that so many of the seemingly happy couples that I see on my news feed are actually fighting the excruciating battle between love and abuse.

It almost is more reassuring for me to have someone tell me that they are currently struggling than to have someone tell me that they used to, but aren't now. Or that they never have at all. Because I've heard that one before and it was a flat out lie. It wasn't a used to. It wasn't a not at all. It was a currently. And that particular addiction's flame was fanned to the point of felony.

Porn has done it's best to kill my ability to trust others enough to let myself love them. However, I am doing my best to nurse myself back to health. I refuse to let porn kill my love, my trust, and the way that I see myself.

I choose to fight it instead.

And luckily, I'm not alone in this fight.

Porn wants you to keep everything between you and it. Love wants you to let others in.

Porn kills.

Love heals.


Ps- For more about porn, read this blog post that I wrote over the summer. And for more about fighting porn, go here.

For Those Who Know Part 5: Worry About Yourself Part 1

Glory. I have a problem. As you can see, I made a Part 1 to Part 5 of my series. That's because I started writing this post last night (last night a couple of weeks ago when I actually first wrote this post) and it kept getting longer and longer without getting to my second point. So there's going to be a separate post for the second point of this part of my series. Confusing, no? Just bear with me, I'm doing the best that I can.

So here we go:

Okay, so let's just get this out of the way. While I was outlining this series and got to this idea, all I could think of (and all I CAN think of when I look at it) is this video. So watch the video, enjoy the adorable little girl, and then come back to the post.

Cool.

So what I'm talking about in this post is a tough one. I'm going to address two major issues that you may be struggling with right now.

1- You can't worry about (or take care of) him anymore.

2- You have to worry about (and take care of) you.

Diving right in.

Maybe this isn't what it's like for everyone, but this is how it was for me at the beginning of all of this. I was still in love with my ex and I was so accustomed to being there for him- loving him, supporting him, etc. -that I had a really hard time shutting off the part of my brain that was dedicated to caring for him. And you have to understand, when he was arrested, I had just spent the last few months giving everything that I had to him.

In my infamous Part 2 post, I talked about the reasons that we broke our engagement off the first time (though I don't seem to have specifically said that that's what ended up happening). I mentioned that he sought help through counseling and such.

But what I didn't mention is that I was with him every step of the way.

After everything came to a head, he left for a few days to clear his head at his family's house. While he was gone, I was a wreck. And I prayed a ton and counseled with my parents, my sister, and my best friend. I didn't know how to respond. Half of me wanted to yell at him as soon as he got back, but the other half of me just wanted to give him a huge hug and tell him that it was all okay (which it obviously wasn't, but abuse brain, you know?) The day that he got home was a Sunday, and during sacrament meeting I felt prompted to write a list of everything that was so incredibly not okay about how he had been treating me over the past few months.

When he got back that night, he was basically despondent. He seemed to feel SO bad for everything that he had done to me. We talked and even though it was hard because he was so miserable already, I gave him the engagement ring back and read my list off to him. I told him that I didn't know if there was any saving our relationship. But I also told him that I was there for him, as a friend only, to help him through whatever he was going through.

I went to counseling with him the first few times and just sat in the waiting room. I would wait out in the hall while he met with the bishop. I would sit on his couch with him laying with his head on my lap- in silence -for hours. I would just sit and play with his hair or sometimes even sing to him until he fell asleep and then I would just slip out and go back to my apartment to do homework.

He was crying constantly, struggled to eat and sleep, and was just... fragile. I spent any time that I wasn't in class or at work taking care of him. I gave him all of my time and energy while I was in the midst of my own heartbreak. And he's the one that broke my heart! I myself was struggling to eat and sleep, and I was really hurting. But I took care of him anyway because I loved him. Because it felt like the right thing to do at the time (see this past post). And it was completely draining for me.

Again, after a couple of months, things did seem to have improved drastically. He got a hold of his emotions, was out and doing things again, and was treating me much, MUCH better.

We had actually had just re-posted that we were engaged a few days before he was arrested.

One of my very first thoughts when the detectives came and told me the news was that he needed his depression meds. My gut reaction to learning that the man that I loved- that I had given literally my all to -had committed a felony (with me as the primary victim) was concern for him. When the police left to go investigate his apartment, I pleaded with them to grab his depression medicine out of his backpack so that he would have it in jail.

When court dates came up, I was always trying to make sure that he would have people there for him. I would text his friends to see if they were going to his hearings. I never went, but I made sure that someone was there for him.

I prayed for him and his family every single day for months and months.

I wanted to be at his baptism someday since I knew that he would almost certainly be excommunicated.

I was so thoroughly wrapped up in my ex that I was missing so much of the big picture. I wasn't allowing myself to fully understand all that he had done to me. I was preventing myself from seeing that he had abused me in so many ways. I didn't allow myself to recognize how deeply he had hurt me.

And because of that, I couldn't really begin recovering properly because I was still seeing him as my sweet fiance and not as the man who had ruined my life. I needed to put down the rose-colored glasses and face up to who he really is. Only then could I start loving myself again.

To sum it all up, I was focusing on him when I really needed to focus on me.

The thing is, he's not my responsibility anymore. It's not up to me to make sure that he's happy, healthy, taken care of. And it's unhealthy for me to worry about those things.

People kept telling me that I needed to stop worrying about him so that I could move on and heal. But I couldn't seem to do it.

But this is me telling you to stop worrying about him. First of all, he hurt you and it's not fair for you to worry so much about him when he didn't love you enough not to hurt you.

But also, he's not alone in this. I promise he's not. He still has friends and family members that are there for him. You really aren't the only person that has ever cared about (and for) your ex.

You need to pass him back to those people.

If your situation involved the law, he probably also has a probation officer and counselors that are there to help him get straight.

And most importantly, he has God.

It's hard because you're afraid that if you react a certain way or do certain things, it's only going to push him farther down his dark path. And I hate to say it, but maybe it will. I wonder sometimes if my ex knows about my blog. If he knows that I talk about all of the ways that he screwed my life up. And if he does know about it, what does he think? Is it just pushing him further into despair? Into a place where it will be even harder to crawl out of the hole that he's dug for himself? And well, I don't know.

But I do know that it's not my job to protect him anymore. I try not to simply bad-talk him or anything, but I do share what happened as honestly as I can. And I don't let myself feel bad about it because I continue to feel that blogging is something that I am supposed to do and I've seen it help a lot of people. And I don't let myself feel bad because we don't talk about things like this enough. If we're too afraid of how the perpetrator will take what we say, then we'll all continue to feel alone because we'll all continue to bottle it all up. I would never want to intentionally make it harder for my ex to change, but I also can't really worry about it at this point.

Taking a quick detour away from concern about love and support, it's also not up to you to worry about whether your ex receives the proper repercussions for his actions. I wasn't in charge of my ex's sentencing. I did what I could to help with the investigation so that they would have all of the facts, but the moment that he was sentenced, I had to leave him in the hands of the law.

If your situation didn't include the law, this still applies. I've talked to people who eventually got out of abusive situations and I see a common theme in the majority of them. They have been left feeling broken and weak, but then they watch their ex seeming to be just fine (I talk about that more here). Oftentimes the ex seems to simply move on with their lives like nothing happened. They seem happy and successful and it doesn't seem right. If they don't receive consequences for their actions, what's to stop them from doing it all again?

But again, there is really only so much that you can do about that, and so obsessing about what will happen to them in the future isn't going to do you any good. I can't worry about whether my ex is feeling the full weight of his actions or not. If he does he does, and if he doesn't, well, that has more to do with him than it has to do with me. The hardest part about this, I think, is worrying that he'll go on to hurt someone else in the future if he doesn't change. But I can't follow him around for the rest of my life trying to make sure that he has changed. I have to trust that Heavenly Father is on top of it all and that He will help other women just as He has helped me.

As much as it still pains me to say it, what happens to my ex happens. It's not my job to make things better for him. In fact, sugar-coating and supporting would only make him less likely to see how deeply wrong all of the things that he's done are. Unfortunately, if he's going to come out of this, he needs to really understand the depth of his actions. He needs to feel the pain of them so that he can fully recover, repent, rehabilitate; you name it. Babying him doesn't help him and it doesn't help me either. Because it's just a continuation of the mindset that his happiness is more important than mine. Because that's what abuse does to you. Everything is about him and you don't matter.

But you do matter. You absolutely do. You matter just as much to God as your ex does. And because of that, Heavenly Father wants you to take care of you now. And you know what? Because your ex is just as loved as you are, He'll do all that he can to take care of him too. It's not you who should be worrying about him anymore. Leave that to Heavenly Father.

Now is the time to focus on your own healing. Do YOU have the love and support that you need? Are you eating and sleeping? Do you need someone to sit with you in silence for a while, maybe playing with your hair?

It's time to leave him behind. I'm not saying that you should hate him, but you need to let him go. You need to not think about him. You need to not worry about him. You need to remember that Heavenly Father loves him enough to take care of him. But more importantly, you need to remember that Heavenly Father loves YOU enough that He wants to take care of YOU.

But that's a lot harder to do when you won't let yourself move on and heal. He can only help you so much if you are still so focused on your ex that you have no room for yourself. You need help as much as- and probably more than -your ex.

So let him go. Stop worrying about him. What happens to him isn't up to you anymore. It never really was. He chose to do what he did. Yes, mental health and addiction and such may play into it, but he still had to choose. And he chose to forfeit the right to your love and support when he decided that hurting you to get what he wanted was more important than making sure that you had his love and support in return.

He'll be taken care of. Whether he straightens up or not is ultimately up to him, not you. So leave it to him and leave it to God and start worrying about yourself for once instead. You deserve it.

(To be continued...)