Speaking for the Voiceless

I've been aware all along that I've been put in a unique position, but it's been hitting me more lately for some reason.

I have been given the opportunity to speak out where others cannot. As a victim of abuse and felony, I have found myself a part of a category of people who typically suffer in silence. As a part of this category, I have been given insight into the world of the silent sufferers.

There are more of those than we'd like to believe. There are more toxic relationships and marriages than we see on the surface. There are more suffering from the traumatic effects of abuse then we know.

When everything first happened to me, I felt so alone in my feelings. I asked myself "how many young college students have PTSfreakingD?" I felt like an anomaly that no one around me could really relate to. And I honestly hoped that there wasn't because I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I would rather be misunderstood than have anyone else understand the suffering that I have been going through.

But then people started reaching out to me and telling me about their stories. I've talked to people who were raped by fiances, people who have also been abused by outwardly upstanding young men, people who have dated/been engaged to/married porn addicts, etc.

I hate that when they tell me "I understand," they actually mean it. It breaks my heart that they actually do understand. When they say that, I always just respond with "I am so sorry."

Most of these people have been suffering pretty much alone, or else with very little support. I feel guilty that I have had SO much support when there are SO many people out there who are dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD that was induced by abuse (or anything else for that matter) who don't.

I ask myself why I have been blessed with so much love and support when they haven't been.

And that's why I'm writing this post. Because my situation has been so public, I haven't really had the opportunity to NOT talk about it. I've gotten tons of support because my trauma has been in the news. Everyone knows, so everyone is empathetic and supportive. No one thinks that I'm being pathetic or weak as they watch me struggle with seemingly simple things because they know why I'm struggling. Not everyone gets the same kind of treatment that I have.

I also am more at liberty to speak because 1- I'm not still with/around the guy and 2- everyone believes me because he's a convicted felon.

So here's for the people who can't speak because they're married to the person, still sees them around, or knows that most people wouldn't believe them if they told about the abuse.

Being with someone who is (or has been) severely addicted to pornography is intimidating. You're comparing yourself to flawless women on a screen. You feel like you'll never be able to satisfy your man/woman because you're certainly not flawless.

Abuse doesn't look like you think it does. It's not all yelling and screaming and hitting. More often than not, it's hidden behind sweet gestures and seemingly kind eyes. It's less outright anger and more quiet disappointment. No words are necessary. You just know that you're not enough and that any troubles in the relationship are somehow your fault. You feel like you'll never measure up and do all that you can to keep your person with you. You have no idea that you are being abused until later. Once you're out of it, you begin to see everything that was so wrong about your relationship. But by then, the damage is done and you're left to pick up your broken pieces and try to nurse yourself back to health.

I'm in a good relationship right now, but the abuse mindset is still very present. Fear that I'm not good enough. Paranoia that he is regretting his decision to date me at every moment. Wanting confirmation that I'm beautiful, that I'm enough.

I'm loving being in a relationship again! My boyfriend makes me super happy and I feel safe when I'm with him. But to be 100% honest, it's also terrifying. I can't get the "what if's" and "what happened last times" out of my head no matter how hard I try. I'm constantly worried that I will never, ever be good enough to keep him. And I have to remind myself that even if things don't work out between us, it's not because I'm "not good enough." It would just be because it wasn't right for us. And I have to tell myself that if things don't work out, he's not going to hurt me like my ex did.

Being in a relationship is super scary and my anxiety is working hard to get the better of me, but I just keep squashing it down because my boyfriend is NOT my ex and I know that. He is worth fighting the fear for.

Others who have had broken relationships would always tell me that I won't feel ready to date until the right guy comes along. I wouldn't just wake up one day ready to try dating again. It would take someone special to give me the courage to give love another try. They were right.

Moving right along, something else about coming out of an abusive relationship is that there's a huge sense of unfairness. I honestly don't know how my ex is doing. I've pretty much stopped asking our mutual friends about him for the sake of my sanity. But I do catch snippets of his life here and there and I get a little bit frustrated. I try not to, but I do. I heard that he's working temp jobs and started his own little business as well. I lost my job months ago and am still not in a great position to get a new one.

Something that really hit me hard was when someone told me that they ran into my ex laser-tagging. My friend told me that he watched my ex throughout the night and that he was laughing and just having the time of his life with his friends. Mind you, this was more towards the beginning of this year, when everything first happened. While he was having a blast laser tagging, I was struggling to make it through any kind of social situation. I spent much of my time curled up in my bed sobbing.

It was all my friend could do not to punch him out and scream at him. I'm glad that he was able to refrain.

While I don't want my ex to be miserable for all eternity or anything, there is a sting of unfairness about it all. Why is he able to work and have fun with friends when I can't? Why is it that he is the one that hurt me so deeply, but he's moving on with his life seemingly much better than I am? I'm the one left severely struggling with PTSD, jobless, and struggling to keep up with my classes.

I talked with someone recently who is recovering from an abusive relationship. This person has really been struggling, and in the meantime, her ex is getting married. It just doesn't seem fair. (And frankly it makes me worry for the fiance, I sincerely hope that she won't end up being hurt like my friend was).

Not trying to sound bitter, and trying really hard not to BE bitter, but that is something that I still have a hard time with. I know that my ex isn't doing as well as it seems sometimes. I mean, he's got a felony on his record that's going to mess with the rest of his life, and is currently going through probation and what not. But I still sometimes wonder if he's really getting it. If he's really understanding how much he's screwed up my life.

Not to say that he's ruined it completely. He doesn't have that power over me unless I give it to him. I'll be okay someday, I know that. But he has definitely put a kink in my life that is not being easy to smooth out.

Now then, speaking for those who have endured sexual abuse specifically. A friend reached out to me and told me that her fiance had raped her. Hardly anyone knows about it. She's been dealing with this mostly by herself. I cannot even imagine.

Sexual abuse is horrid. Obviously. But it really messes with you. Nothing is ever good enough for the other person. Nothing satisfies them really. And when it's all over, you're left with a sensitivity that you never had before. I'm getting better now, but this year I've been super paranoid about so many things. I generally sleep with a body pillow, I have for the last couple of years. But I haven't used it as much this year because I don't want absolutely anything touching certain parts of me if I can possibly help it. I've been extremely careful when washing my body when I shower. I don't want to feel anything. This might not make any sense to you if you haven't gone through it, but I'm doing my best to explain.

I also went through a phase where I not only dressed modestly, but I wouldn't wear anything even slightly form fitting because I didn't want anyone looking at my body. I always try to dress modestly, but for a while I took it to a bit more of an extreme. I did everything that I could to ensure that people were spending time with me because of me, not because of my body.

I remember talking to my ex about something called "Good Girl Syndrome." It's when those who have been raised to be abstinent until marriage have it so deeply ingrained in them that sex is wrong that they feel guilty about it even when they're legally and lawfully married. This syndrome is a result of well-meaning parents teaching their kids about abstinence in completely the wrong way. Sex itself isn't wrong. When it is done within a marriage, it is sacred and beautiful.

Anyway, the reason that I'm telling you this is that my ex asked me if I thought that I would have an issue with having sex once we were married. I told him no. I knew that sex within marriage is a good thing. Obviously I was nervous about the wedding night, but not scared or guilty or anything.

Over time, I did get more an more worried about it, not because I thought that it was wrong, but because I felt like I couldn't ever possibly measure up to the images and videos that he had watched for years. How could I compete with porn? I couldn't. I didn't want to feel like I had to.

Now that everything is over, I'm frankly terrified of my future wedding night. I know that it's not wrong to have sex when you're married, but because I've been sexually abused, it's going to be hard to separate abuse from sex, even when I'm married to someone that I love and trust.

I had panic attacks the first few times I was kissed this year for goodness sake! I honestly have no idea how my future wedding night is going to go. I try not to think about it since it's not something that I have to worry about for a long while yet, but it's hard to suppress the fear of physicality after being abused. It's hard to stop associating intimacy with fear.

Anyway, I hope that I've been able to properly portray the feelings that go unexpressed every single day by people that you know and love. I'm super blessed in that I am no longer in an abusive situation, but not everyone is where I am. I can pretty much guarantee you that you know someone who seems to be in a perfectly lovely relationship or marriage that is absolutely not. We see the "everything is great!" filter on people's lives. We see posts about fun dates or sweet gestures that really do happen, but are intermixed with anxiety, abuse, addiction, and self-esteem issues that we don't see.

I'm doing my best to speak for those silent sufferers who can't speak for themselves for one reason or another. I'm sorry if I'm not doing you all justice, I'm only one person, one voice among thousands of mutes.

If anyone has a story to share that they can't on their own, you can send it to me (I'm not hard to find on Facebook) and I'll post it anonymously if I feel that it is appropriate. If I get enough experiences, I'll probably just make a part two to this post where I share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences with hardship.

Everyone deserves to be heard, to be understood. Know that you are absolutely not alone in feeling the way that you do. You are not the only one who has been hurt, the only one who is afraid. There are more of us than you think. And remember that if nothing else, there is always one Person who knows precisely what you are going through.

One of my all time favorite scriptures in the Book of Mormon is Alma 7:11-12

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Jesus Christ didn't suffer only so that we could repent. He suffered "that He may know... how to succor His people." He suffered so that He would know how to help you in each and every moment of your life. He knows exactly what you are going through because He went through it. He has felt your pain to a T. He has felt your exact heartache, anxiety, terror, discouragement. And because He has felt that, He knows precisely what you need to continue on and become stronger than ever. Experience is the best teacher, and He has experienced it all.

So even if I can't properly speak for you, know that there is Someone that you can talk to that will not only listen, but who can and will perfectly empathize. He is so real and He is there for YOU.

He is what gives me the strength to speak, and maybe someday, with His help, you will be able to speak up too.