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| It is not self seeking |
Before I dive in, let me reassure you right now that this isn't going to be like a magazine article that tells you how to be sexy or whatever. So please keep reading because this is important!
This is an odd topic for me to write about and probably a weird one for you to read about if you know me, but it's also a really vital one that (as with many of my posts) isn't talked about enough.
Too often, sex isn't taught about very well, so what we do end up learning about it comes from horrible examples in books, movies, pervy teenagers at school or work, or even pornography for many. Actually, a common start to pornography viewing, struggles, and addiction start with a lack of proper education from trusted adults about sex. I have talked to many who struggle who started out because they weren't taught well and didn't feel that they had someone that they could talk to about their questions, so they went searching for answers themselves and eventually ended up knee-deep in porn.
So yeah, this post deals with sex and that's awkward but it's important and I promise that this isn't explicit.
Cool?
Cool.
The sexiest thing about my husband is that we didn't have sex last night.
Let's go over some background info and then I'll explain what I mean.
Intimacy after abuse can be really rough at times. I've talked about this a bit in past posts just with snuggling and stuff, but I'm married now and am (still) learning to deal with the whole wide range of intimacy options that are now available to me.
I've talked before about how there have been times in the couple of relationships that I've had since my abusive ex that my boyfriend/fiance/husband has simply not been allowed to touch me. Sometimes for 20 minutes, sometimes for 2-3 HOURS. These times occurred because my ex (abusive ex, but if I say "ex", that's who I'm talking about unless I specify otherwise) took advantage of me physically, manipulated me into being more intimate than I felt even remotely okay with, and basically turned physicality of any form into a trigger for my PTSD.
My husband (Jonathan) knew this going into our relationship and into our marriage. We discussed every possibility for what could happen on our wedding night. We knew that there was a very real possibility that I would have a panic attack, so our plans included anything from simply sleeping in the same bed, fully clothed in sweats to going all the way like you always imagine for your wedding night. Our plan was basically to be ready for anything that might happen (even if that meant that one of us slept on the floor/couch of our Air BnB) and then just play it by ear. The important thing is that we were both on the same page with this. Jonathan constantly reassured me in the time leading up to our wedding that whatever happened was completely my choice, that I didn't have to do anything that I didn't feel comfortable with, and that he would rather we do nothing at all then do anything that made me anxious.
And that, my friends, is the sexiest thing in the world to me.
Having a choice.
And not just "technically" having a choice like I did with my ex. Because he didn't molest me. But he also did not make it feel safe and okay for me to say no either. He didn't help me to feel loved and important and like what I wanted or needed mattered. And so I had a choice, but not much of one.
No, I'm talking about 100% knowing and feeling deep down inside that my decision matters. That my husband would rather set aside his own physical pleasure than feel it at the expense of my well-being.
Last night we started to be intimate. I started to feel anxious, but as often happens, I decided to keep going and just hope that the feeling goes away (it never does, but I tend to do this anyway). Luckily, blessedly, my husband noticed. He could tell that something was off and all he had to say was "are you feeling anxious?" and I stopped trying. I told him yes and he just hugged me and loved me.
Now let me be clear; I didn't keep going because I was afraid of his reaction if I stopped. It was completely my actual decision to keep going. Possibly partially influenced by the abuse mindset that I'm still fighting, but not because I felt in any way that my husband would react the same way that my ex would. And that is honestly a miracle. The fact that I have complete trust in my husband to love and cherish me in the moments where I have to stop is HUGE.
The abuse mindset is a hard one to break, no matter how wonderful your current partner is. It doesn't matter that my husband has never given me reason to believe that he'll treat me like my ex did, I am still often afraid that he will. In so many other aspects of our lives, I still feel that fear. The fear that one of these times, something will change in Jonathan just as it seemed to in my ex. The fear that the abuse will start again in some way.
And yet that fear has never applied to physicality with my husband. That is the one aspect of our lives that seems to be immune to that fear. I know, truly, deeply know that I can always say no. I can always say "I need to stop." I never, ever need to be afraid of how Jonathan will react. He helps me to feel safe enough and loved enough to do what I need to do. And if that means that we stop and just cuddle, then okay. And if that means that we stop and he can't touch me for a while, then okay. And if that means that I say "no" or "not right now" and then go back to reading my book, then okay.
And THAT, my friends, is the sexiest thing about my husband. Because it means that when we are intimate, I know that there is love and respect involved. I know that my happiness and my well-being are a top priority. It means that I am safe, and secure, and so, so loved. And that is the best feeling in the world. Better than any physical pleasure.
The sexiest thing in the world is knowing that your partner cares about you enough to put you above sex.
And that sounds obvious to many of you I'm sure, but when you've been sexually abused, or when you've seen movies where sex is forced, or when you know that pornography often depicts fake, abusive sex and makes it look like the norm, then you realize that while obvious, it is not always as common as it absolutely should be.
Society teaches us that men can't control themselves. That once they start, there is no stopping. This is not true. It may be difficult or uncomfortable at times, but not impossible. Their brains and hearts don't cease to function when they are aroused.
Are men's bodies vastly different than women's? Heck to the yes. Is it true that men are generally aroused more easily and quickly? Sure. Does that mean that their bodies control them? NO WAY.
But that's what we're taught by the world around us.
My ex struggled with pornography addiction and used that as an excuse as to why he was sexually abusive. He actually made it my fault if we "went too far" with anything because he couldn't control himself, so it was up to me even though it felt as though I had zero say in the matter.
My husband is also a recovering addict, but he has never once used that as an excuse to do a single thing that I was not willing to do. And he is often the one that will notice when I'm having a hard time and remind me that it's totally okay to stop.
Don't believe that men can't control themselves. They are fully functioning, intelligent human beings and it's honestly insulting that we are led to believe that they literally can't stop themselves or that there comes a point where they are no longer accountable for what they do. Many men take advantage of that widely held belief. But the right man will prove every single one of them wrong.
The world teaches us that love is about sex. But I know that that is not true. Love isn't about sex. But sex is 100% about love.
My ex made me feel like his pleasure was more important than my peace of mind. My husband helps me to know that I am more important than his pleasure.
And that is downright sexy.
