Seeing Isn't Believing

"Everything is going to be okay."

I know that. I know that it's going to be okay. I just wish that I knew how! I wish that I had some idea of what I should be doing right now to help make it okay.

I have said, or thought, similar things over and over and over again these past couple of years.

I know that all things will work together for my good. I know that everything will turn out alright as long as I continue to live faithfully. I know that I'm never alone. I know that Christ can help me to heal. I know that Heavenly Father can create beauty out of my ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

I know.

But sometimes it is so hard to really feel like everything is going to be okay when everything in your life seems to be falling apart. Sometimes I would love to catch a glimpse of, not even the end game, but the next step at least. Sometimes I would really love to just understand how things can possibly work out when nothing seems to be so far. And sometimes it's really easy to discount the things that actually have worked out because they are overshadowed by what seems to be a mountain of things that haven't.

During fast and testimony meeting this month, one sister said something, I don't even know what exactly, that sparked a thought for me.

In the scriptures we learn:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 
Hebrews 11:1

Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us a sign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe.

Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.

...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
Alma 32:17-18, 21

And it came to pass that Ether did prophesy great and marvelous things unto the people, which they did not believe, because they saw them not.

And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.
Ether 12:5-6

Now, I've read and heard these verses many times throughout my life. I've studied them personally on multiple occasions when I've been struggling. And yet it wasn't until that testimony meeting that I made a connection that I had never really consciously made before.

I feel like when I read these verses, I think of big, obvious miracles like Moses parting the Red Sea or Christ healing the blind. You know, ones that are very clearly miracles. Ones that absolutely could not have happened without Divine intervention.

When I think of people demanding signs, I think of stories like the one that Elder Christofferson shared in this past General Conference about the prophet Elijah proving to the priests of Baal that their god was not the true God by having them both pray to their "god" to set fire to a pyre with a sacrificial offering on it.

But I realized that those thoughts of "couldn't I please just understand how everything is going to work out?" is the same thing as asking for a sign.

Show me proof that things are going to be okay. 

Write my next step in life on the wall or send it in a dream. 

Where are the words in my head telling me what to do next?

I often ask to have my fear replaced with faith, but I think that what I really keep asking is to have my faith replaced with knowledge. And that's no bueno. Because faith is believing even when you don't see. Believing that Heavenly Father has my back. That He really does know exactly what He is doing with my life. That He really can give beauty for ashes.

Even when I don't see what He is doing. How He is protecting me. How He is guiding me. How He is strengthening me.

One of my all time favorite scriptures is 1 Nephi 4:6-7. Well, 6 through the very beginning of 7. I've talked about this scripture in a previous post and I'm sure that it's not the last time that I'll talk about it.

This is after the most well-known verse in chapter 3 about going and doing. After the sons of Lehi have tried not once, but twice to obtain the record from Laban. This is the moment where Nephi really puts his words into action. He said that he knew that the Lord would provide a way (1 Nephi 3:7) and here he is proving that.

He says that he was "led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless I went forth."

Nephi had no idea how he was going to get the record. He and his brothers had tried a couple of different approaches and Laban made it clear that not only would he not give them the record, but also that he wanted them dead. But Nephi knew that "it would all work out" because God had told them to get it, so by golly they were going to get it.

And so he went back to the palace with no plan. Not because he hadn't given it plenty of thought. Not because he hadn't already been doing his best to figure it out on his own. But because he knew that it was time to simply trust that Heavenly Father was going to make it work. He couldn't have known that he would find Laban drunk, or that he would be able to easily convince a servant of Laban that he was his master. All he knew was what God asked him to accomplish and that God would help him accomplish it.

And so he "went forth."

I may not ever be asked to leave my home to create a whole new nation on a different continent, but I am asked to live righteously and trust God.

And I do.

Or, at least, I try to. I actually try really, really hard to. And yet, because I am very much imperfect, I still find myself asking "how is this going to work out? I just don't see how this can possibly work out!"

I find myself asking to be able to see how it's going to work instead of being content to just believe.

And the thing is, Heavenly Father has proven to me over and over again that He really is more than capable of working everything out. He stopped me from marrying an abusive felon. He enabled me to stay out at school with zero funds and no income. He helped me to face a paralyzing terror of dating to help me to meet and marry my incredible husband.

I HAVE seen miracles. The past two years has been one trial after the other, but also one miracle after the other. And none of these miracles came in an instant. And none of them were hinted at by the Spirit to soothe my conscience. I didn't see a single one coming.

But they came. And they keep on coming.

And I am still facing seemingly insurmountable trials. And I am still afraid. And I still find myself wanting to catch a glimpse of everything happening behind the scenes. But I really do know that everything will work out. I have no idea how. I have no idea when. But I know that it will. Not because I have seen how, but because I believe.

That's what faith is. Not seeing, but believing because you've seen it before.

So no, I may not know how things will be okay. How I will fully heal from abuse and trauma. How I will be able to be a good mom someday with all of my mental and physical illnesses and injuries. How I will get back to taking classes and doing well in them so that I can graduate. But I know that God knows. And so I will simply trust that the Spirit will guide me, and I will go forth.

I don't have to see and understand. I have to believe and press forward. And as I do so, everything is going to be okay.

We're All Just People Part Two

A few weeks ago I was at a red light when I saw the car in front of me rear end the car in front of it. Just barely. The car immediately stopped and parked, as did the car in front of it. I wondered what was going to happen. It was hardly a bump, but I’ve seen people completely freak out over things like that. Out of the front car came a young woman. She was wearing some sort of head scarf and looked to be Indian or Arab. Out of the second car came a black woman maybe in her forties. I don’t know what they said, but I did notice that there didn’t seem to be any contention. They talked for a minute or two and then got back in their cars and kept driving.

Last night I was driving by myself around midnight and it was raining slightly. I saw a car on the side of the road with its flashers going. Now let me tell you, every time I see a car on the side of the road like that, I immediately have two thoughts; I want to help, and what if they’re a rapist? I always, always want to stop, but I rarely do because I’m a young woman with little body strength. But last night I stopped. When I got to the car, it was empty, but the door was wide open. I peeked inside from as far away as I could, and then turned back to my car. There were two black men walking towards me on either side of my car. I calmly kept walking towards my car and when I got close enough, I asked if the other car was theirs. It was. Long story short, there was nothing that I could really do to help, but they thanked me for stopping. Then we both went back to our respective cars and I kept driving.

Both of these examples could have gone south very easily. Not because someone was Arab or black or white, but because there are angry people out there and there are sketchy people out there. What's interesting to me, though, is that I never would have known the ethnicity of the drivers of the cars around me if they hadn’t had to stop for some reason.

I’ve had this idea swirling around in my head for a few months now. I’m not quite sure where it came from, but it’s been there.

I hadn't planned on writing another "We're All Just People" post, but the thought kept coming back, so here we go.

This is the basic idea:

There are so many people with a multitude of different prejudices. People who won’t associate with people with different religions, skin color, political views, etc. And yet they trust them.

Let me explain.

When you are driving your car, you don’t know what kind of people are in the cars around you. You have no idea if the drivers are black, white, Muslim, gay, Democrats, Pro-Choice, transgender, Catholic, or atheist. But you trust them not to swerve into oncoming traffic. You are logically cautious, but you ultimately have to trust everyone else on the road if you're going to convince yourself to drive.

That thought has really stuck with me.

Because you can’t pick and choose who you are on the road with. You can’t only drive on roads with people that you agree with. You drive with anyone and everyone that's on the road with you. And you inherently trust them. Not to say that you aren’t wary of the cars around you. Of course you’re keeping an eye out for a car that’s weaving or cutting you off. You understand that driving can be dangerous. But it’s also an everyday part of life, so you aren’t really necessarily afraid every time you hit the road.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we treated all social interactions like we treat driving? Trusting other people to do the right thing? To do their best to be safe?

However, on the other hand, I also really hate the way that people treat driving as well. Again, let me explain.

Have you ever accidentally cut someone off? Or driven onto the rumble strip because you were distracted or tired? Well then, someone has probably cussed you out from the car behind you at some point. Not because you're drunk or even a really bad driver necessarily. No, it's because you're a human being and that means that you're not perfect.

Wouldn't it be nice if the person flipping you off instead thought of you as a person that could have any number of things going on in your life?

Here’s another real-life example:

A few weeks ago I was driving. I don’t remember where to or what the circumstances were, but I do remember the drive.

Let me explain something really quickly to you first though.

I’m not a great driver. I’ll openly admit it.

Here’s why:

Instead of the three paragraphs that were originally here, let me just say that because of various circumstances, I didn't get my license until I was 19. I've never had my own car, so I didn't drive many places after I got my license either. Then I was in a no-car mission. Then out at school, still with no car. All in all, I really haven’t driven very much in the past 5-6 years that I've had my license, so I still have a lot to learn about driving.

Okay, now that you understand why I’m not the best driver, let me get back to my story.

I popped two curbs while turning at different points in this trip.

Strike one.

I accidentally cut someone off because I didn’t see them in the rear-view mirror. I looked. I double-checked. I signaled and moved over. But when I got over, there was a car RIGHT THERE honking at me.

I was shaken from almost hitting someone and then being honked at (understandably because it was a safety concern), so I didn’t turn my turn signal off right away.

Strike two and two and a half.

I missed a bunch of turns and exits.

Steeee-rike three.

Now here’s the thing. I get flustered REALLY easily when I drive because I know that I’m not the greatest at driving. I try to be careful and do everything right, but I mess up. A lot. And because I have anxiety now, being flustered can very quickly turn into panicking.

I was flustered when I popped the first curb. I was border-line panicking for the rest, which made me even more prone to making mistakes. Luckily no one was hurt during the duration of this drive.

The point of me sharing this highly embarrassing driving story is that you never know what people are going through.

I’ve driven with people that get major road rage. That immediately start bad mouthing other drivers. And it makes me shrink inside. Because I know that a lot of the time when I drive, I’m probably the one that people are bad mouthing.

And yeah, sometimes it’s obvious that someone really is being a jerk or super reckless. But most of the time, the judgements and name calling is based off a singular event.

Whoever I cut off may have thought that I was being a major butthole. Someone who saw me pop a curb or turn around, yet again, because I was clearly lost may have thought that I was drunk or high. But I’m not and I wasn’t.

I’m just a person, doing my best to drive safely, just like most everyone else on the road.

In general, we’re all okay with each other when we’re driving. We subconsciously trust each other to a certain degree. We don’t give a ton of thought to the cars around us. We don’t appreciate when someone signals properly or goes the speed limit. But then we definitely get upset when someone doesn’t. And for some reason the anger is so immediate and so explosive.

I wish that people really lived the idea of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Rather than exploding with expletives, remember that the person driving the other car is a human being, just like you.

Maybe they’re driving a bit obnoxiously quickly because their wife is in labor. Or too slow because their fragile grandmother is in the back of the car. Maybe they honestly didn’t see you before cutting you off. Maybe they’re trying not to have a panic attack before they can find a safe place to stop. Maybe they are still learning all of the ins and outs of driving, but have their license, so can’t have the nice “Student Driver” magnet on the back of the car anymore.

Wouldn’t it be nice if, when we got in our cars and started driving, we didn’t just trust that the cars around us won’t hit us, but also that the person in the driver’s seat is doing their best to be a good driver?

And wouldn’t it be nice if we thought of people in every situation the way that we think of people when we drive? Not looking at everything that makes them different that we don’t like or agree with, but simply seeing them as another car on the road, just trying to reach their destination safely?

If we can trust any single person on the road not to just swerve into traffic and crash into everyone, can’t we trust any single person outside of a car to be a decent human being?

At the end of the day, when we all drive home and get out of our cars, we’re all just people doing the best with what we’ve got. People with dreams, families, weaknesses, and trials. People who aren’t just one thing, but many. Not just Muslim. But a daughter, friend, and nurse. Not just gay. But a son, employee, and animal rights activist. Not just white. But a wife, bookworm, and survivor.

When you drive, the people around you are just people.

When you're parked, the people around you are still just people.

We are ALL just people.