Faith Isn't Foolish

I've been toying around with the idea of this post for a while (sound familiar? I basically always say that. But it's true!) So let me start by sharing a couple of experiences with you, and then I'll try to explain my point. (Please bear with me!)

First off, let me tell you about the day that the first news article about my ex-fiance's arrest came out.

In June, I wrote a letter to my ex that I will probably never send (the no-contact rule is still up between us and will be unless I decide to take it down). I told him all about what happened on my end that weekend in January that he was arrested. This is what I said about my reaction to the first news article coming out:

"Monday I went to work. I told my new coach the bare minimum of what was going on. I have no idea how I made it through that shift.

As I was walking home, I checked my texts. There were a bunch in a group message from my roommates. As I scrolled through, all of a sudden there was your mugshot. I immediately shut my phone off. I had [my old home teacher] meet me at my apartment and just fell into his arms sobbing when I got there.

I knew that an article was coming. I knew that it would all come out eventually. I couldn’t read it myself, so I had [a roommate] read the article to me to get it over with.

After [my home teacher] left, I laid on the couch for about an hour with my head on [my roommate's] lap. She played with my hair the whole time. At one point she mentioned that people were leaving nasty comments under the article. Something inside of me snapped and I knew that I needed to say something. I knew that if I did though, there would be no hiding the fact that it was me that all of this happened to. Everyone would know. Everyone would see. I had been avoiding telling anyone the real reason that we weren’t getting married and I didn’t really want to. But I grabbed my laptop and started typing. It just felt like what I was supposed to do. 

When I finished I read what I had written to all of my roommates and asked them if it was okay for me to post. It would drag them into the unwanted spotlight as well. 

They told me to post it.

For the next few days I endured so much negative backlash. Clearly what I needed right at that moment, no? All of a sudden, I was receiving as much hate as you were. People were angry at me for forgiving you. They thought that you had brainwashed me really well if I was defending you. They didn’t understand that I was not defending what you did. I was not asking that you receive no punishment from the law. I was not saying that I was still going to marry you. But what I was saying is that you have the same opportunity to repent that Alma and the sons of Mosiah (AKA- the VILEST of sinners) had. I was saying that it would be practically impossible for you to come out of this if all you would face is hate. You had broken my heart into the tiniest pieces, and I endured so much negativity for you. 

I faced it head on because I forgave you. I don’t know how I did it so quickly, but I did. I wasn’t angry. I was sad. I was worried about you. I wanted to give you your absolute best chance of coming out of this and living a happy life, even though I knew that I couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

Over the next few days I replied to some of the comments and tried to clarify my thoughts and feelings. After a few days I stopped looking at the comments altogether. I couldn’t do it anymore."

In the (in)famous post that I'm talking about, I wrote about how I wasn't angry at my ex and that I forgave him. I talked about how I wish that people would take a step back for a second and remember that he is a child of God, just like they are and that Heavenly Father wants him to come back to Him just as much as He wants any of His children to come back to Him. I talked about how Alma and the sons of Mosiah were the "vilest of sinners," and yet they were able to repent, be forgiven, and go on to do incredible work in the service of the Lord. I asked that my ex be provided that same opportunity to repent. I told them that I could see so much potential in my ex and that I hoped that he would be allowed the opportunity to reach it, rather than remaining a sum of his worst actions.

"Criminals stay criminals when they feel like that’s all they can ever be. I don’t want that for [my ex]... I want him to know that he can be healed. That he can be forgiven. Because HE CAN. He can and you have the power to either stop him or help him. PLEASE think about that."

So all of that happened within the first week of my ex being arrested.

Fast forward to last month.

I was looking over the stats for my blog and one of the things that can be tracked is "Traffic Sources." So basically where people are accessing my blog. Usually it just says Facebook and Instagram because that's where I share my blog posts. But a little while after I posted Don't You Dare Blow It, I found a new traffic source:

Stellar.

I clicked on the links until I hit one that actually went to the right page. Essentially, an ex-mormon used a section of my blog post to show just how brainwashed I am and how my mentality is everything that is wrong with the church. The comments underneath were simply lovely. I was called brainwashed, "That poor, stupid girl," and someone mentioned how I was "pushed to forgive him."

Ouch.

This broke my heart. While I know that it is not my fault if people use my words to further confirm to them that they were right in leaving the church, it still hurts me. The whole reason that I started this blog was to help others. So the fact that my blog was also being used to push people farther away from Christ killed me. Still does.

A friend of mine had a good point though. He made a reference to Joseph Smith History 1:33 where it says that:

"God had a work for [him] to do; and that [his] name should be had for good and evil among all nations, kindreds, and tongues, or that it should be both good and evil spoken of among all people."

My response was "When did I become like that?! I'm not a prophet or apostle. I'm not even close to being on the same level as them! How did I get here?" 

And well, I put myself here. This was never my intent. I didn't find out about the biggest betrayal that I've ever experienced and immediately think "I'm going to use this to help people! I'll start a blog!" It was more like "I'm want to hide from the world and have a pity party for the next 12 years. At least." Well, not completely. My gut reaction to any situation is to find a way to help. But I still never would have imagined sitting here almost 9 months later writing a blog post.

But it happened gradually, step-by-step. I felt like I needed to write out what I was going through and be brutally honest. Then I learned that my posts were helping others. Then I decided that if I could help my Facebook friends, then maybe I could help others too. 

And all of a sudden, I'm a blogger. And all of a sudden, I'm a subject of derision, ridicule, and even pity for my apparent idiocy. But I suppose that there are always two sides to the coin and I can definitely attest to the reality of "opposition in all things." But the good is worth the bad to me. 

Okay, thanks for staying with me through all of that. Now to the point.

Let's be honest, I'm probably going to get backlash from this post, whether to my face or on a Reddit page somewhere. But I'm writing it anyway because I need you all to know something.

Faith is not foolish.

I will be the first to agree that as flawed human beings, we misunderstand revelation at times. We also don't always know the proper way to respond to the promptings that we receive. I'm not perfect at interpreting revelation. I screw up all the time! 

With that being said, I don't at all regret the way that I have responded to this. Call me brainwashed, deluded, stupid, whatever. Tell me that it was my faith in God that got me into the position that I'm in right now. I have an idea now of how many people think that way.

But let me tell you what faith has done for me. 

Faith has allowed me to find joy amidst one of the single most difficult trials that I have ever faced. Faith has given me hope that I will be okay. That I can and will be healed of this pain. Faith has given me my Heavenly Father to turn to and rely on. Faith reminds me that I am absolutely not alone in this! Faith gives me the strength to keep going on with my life to the best of my ability. 

Faith is what is saving me.

I have faith that Heavenly Father has amazing things in store for me. I have faith that He is the one who has sent me all of the love and support that I have received and am STILL receiving. I have the faith that my ex's decision doesn't need to tear me apart beyond repair. 

I have faith in repentance. That as much as I am able to be forgiven of my sins, my ex can be too.

And you know what? 

I could find out seconds before I die that none of this is real and I still would not regret a single time that I clung to the Lord. It helped me to stay sane. But more than that, it helped me to find joy. Without a belief that a loving, Almighty God is on my side, I would be a very different person. I would have become bitter and hateful and everything negative. But because I do believe, I have gained a greater capacity to be compassionate, forgiving, and optimistic for the future. 

Everything good in my life right now directly stems from my faith. Every single thing that I have, and every single thing that I am, is a result of my striving to follow God. I'm certainly not perfect at it, but luckily doing my best is more than enough to my Heavenly Father.

So even if I were to learn that I was wrong all along, I could never regret the blessings that I have received, the people that I have been able to help, and the person that I have become because of my faith.

Luckily, I know for certain that this isn't some elaborate fabrication. I do, in fact, have a Father in Heaven. Christ really did suffer the Atonement so that I can have the greatest possible joy in the next life. God really is there is help me to find joy in this life. Christ strengthens me so that I can not only endure my trials, but also recognize the multitude of blessings being poured upon me right now.

Something that is interesting to me is that people think that I forgave my ex so quickly because I was forced to by the church. I can't help but laugh a little bit at that. Let me tell you why:

The first article released about my ex's arrest was in the BYU-Idaho Scroll. This means that the majority of people that were leaving nasty comments were members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, just like I am. Clearly they were not expecting me to be forgiving. Not only that, but everyone around me kept telling me that it was okay if I was angry for a while. I didn't need to feel guilty for any anger and I didn't need to feel rushed to forgive. Essentially, I had every right to hate my ex's guts and no one would judge me for it.

As a Latter-Day Saint, I have learned a lot about forgiving as the Savior forgives of course. But in that moment, no one was pushing me to forgive.

So you see, the only person that decided for me to forgive my ex is me, myself, and I. As I said before, I don't know why I was able to forgive so quickly. I don't know why exactly I wasn't filled with rage and hate for the man who essentially tore my heart out and stomped on it. But I know that I didn't force myself to forgive him. It just... happened. 

And I'm sure glad that forgiveness was my gut my reaction. While I have felt frustrated, heartbroken, and betrayed, I'm glad that I was able to choose not to let my ex have the power to turn me into a hateful, bitter person.

Because that is what forgiveness does. It allows YOU to start moving on. Think about it. Say someone wrongs you. You are hurt. They move on with their life. You don't. You are the one left angry and spiteful while they go on to live out happy lives.

Why give anyone that power over you? You absolutely don't have to! 

I'm not going to say that it is easy. I'm not going to say that I think that you're a sinner if you don't forgive right away. I'm not going to say that it's not okay to be really mad for a while. But know that you don't have to let your wounds fester forever. Christ atoned so that you can heal. Not only that, Christ atoned so that you could be shaped and refined in the flames of your trials and come out of them as a stronger, even more amazing person than you already are! 

But do you have the faith to let Him? That's really what this comes down to.

Does faith take away trials? Absolutely not. But does it help us to take our trials and become better through them? Absolutely YES!

People often say to me "I don't know how you do it," about me pushing through this awful trial. 

I don't do it alone. That's how.

Heavenly Father is with me every single moment of every single day and when I feel like I just can't do this anymore, He helps me to go just a little further. That is the only reason that I'm still going. That is the only reason that I am able to push through the pain and actually find legitimate joy in my life. Heavenly Father would be by my side even if I didn't recognize Him there, but having the faith that He absolutely IS there is what really makes the difference in my life.

In choosing to believe, I choose to allow Him to help me to carry on.

Faith empowers. Faith offers assurance and relief. Faith brings hope in even the darkest of times. And for those reasons, I will always stand by my decision to trust in my belief in God. Because for me, it is more than belief. I know that Heavenly Father is real. That He loves me. That He is watching out for me and doing all that He can to guide me become the best version of me that I can be. He is leading me to the most happiness that I could ever experience. I know because I have seen His hand over and over again in my life. I have seen Him bless me in countless ways.

Having faith in- and choosing to follow -Jesus Christ has been the absolute best thing for my personal joy and growth. This has been proven to me over and over again throughout my entire life. And so I really could never, ever say that my faith is foolish.

Patterns

So I've started to notice patterns in the way that people have treated me since my ex-fiance was arrested. One is how people react towards me the first time that they've seen me since the arrest. There are probably about four different types of people in this case.

First are the those who clearly don't know what happened. The ones that ask "you just got married recently, didn't you?" As you might imagine, these encounters are a bit awkward and usually result in those people feeling really bad. Which they shouldn't. I usually just laugh these ones off. I mean, if you don't know, you don't know. Ya know?

Second are those who are difficult to read. The ones that might or might not know what happened and I have no idea. I've found that they often do know, but don't want to bring it up because they don't want me to feel bad. These encounters are even more awkward because I don't know what they do or do not know. It's actually super reassuring for me to know that you do, in fact, know what's going on because then I don't feel like I have to pretend that my life is sunshine and daisies.

Because if I say that "it's been a rough year" and you have no idea what's going on, then I worry that you'll think that I'm just being dramatic when I think that I'm honestly pretty justified in saying that this year is a doozy. There have been oodles of blessings, but also lots of hardship.

The third type of people are those who I can tell know because they are overly enthusiastic to see me. "Oh Anna! It is SO good to see you! I'm so glad that you're here!" They don't have to mention what happened for me to tell that they know simply because they're going out of their way to make me feel extra special and loved.

Then there's the fourth type. They're the ones who express sympathy for what I'm going through, and then immediately start asking me questions. "How did you find out about the cameras? How could you forgive him so quickly? How do you feel about his sentencing? Do you agree with the judge's decision?" etc.

I don't necessarily have a preference in which type you are other than that it's good for me to know how much you know so that I can feel comfortable with being real. I feel like I don't have to pretend to be hunky-dory when I'm not really feeling it. And I am doing well sometimes! But a lot of the time I'll be doing well and then my emotions start to crash, in which case, it's nice to know that everyone will understand if I decide to duck out early.

You don't necessarily need to be the fourth type (although I honestly don't mind that type, so don't feel bad if you fall into that category), but some sort of simple acknowledgement that you know what's up is great.

Another pattern that I've noticed in the past 8 months has been what I refer to as "The Questions of the Year."

These are "How are you?" and "What can I do for you?" and I have no clue how to answer either of these questions. (And then there's the third question that I don't get nearly as much. "Are you seeing anyone?" To which I just laugh and say no. I don't know when I'll be ready for that and- luckily -there isn't a line of guys waiting for me to be ready, so I don't feel too much pressure. But I digress.)

"How are you doing?"

If I know that you know what's been happening in my life, then I'll usually respond with "I'm doing" or an occasional "Okay." If I don't know what you know, then I'll usually say that I'm doing okay, but that it's been a rough year (which often helps me to determine if you know what happened or not). Beyond those answers, I struggle to know how to explain how I am. Because how I'm doing is subject to change at any moment.

Some days I'll be doing great! I got enough sleep, ate three meals, am happy, etc. Other days I'm like that for a while, and then my emotions start to tank extremely quickly, sometimes because of a trigger, sometimes just because. And sometimes I'm just feeling down all day. I joke that my emotions don't seem to have a rhyme or reason and simply seem to depend on the day, the position of the sun, and whether or not it rained recently.

So all in all, "How are you?" is kind of a tough question for me to answer because even if I'm doing well at the moment, I'm not really doing well in general necessarily.

And then there is "What can I do for you?/How can I help?" And honestly, I have no clue most of the time. Sometimes I know what I need in a particular moment; a hug, a funny story/video, some kind of distraction (usually card games or video games). But over all? What I need isn't something that I can really ask of any of you. I need strength. I need health. I need healing.

The thing is though, you are already giving me what I need in so many ways. You are giving me your love and support. I wish that I could properly express what that really means to me.

You see, growing up I always had really low self-esteem. I often felt like no one really cared about me. No one thought about me. No one wondered how I was doing or thought to invite me to activities. This wasn't so much of a problem when I lived in Virginia for five months after my mission, but those feelings returned when I got to school.

The recurring pattern that I saw over and over again in my life was that I would make a friend, and then they would leave me. Either because they physically moved away, or because they mentally checked out of our friendship. Because of this pattern, I have often felt like I wasn't good enough for people to stick around. I wondered if the people that did associate with me only did so out of pity. I was sure that I wasn't worthy of their actual, genuine love.

I tried so hard to be the kind of person that people would want to be around. Cheerful, silly, bubbly, etc. I always had to be at my best so that I wouldn't drive my friends away. I would make myself miserable trying to ensure that everyone else was happy because I was terrified that they would leave me. I felt that there was something wrong with me and I would never truly be cared about for just being me.

But I tell you what, this year, I've been completely amazed to see just how many people really do care about me. I've been blown away by the love and support that I received not only at the beginning of this, but also now, 8 months later. You have proven to me that I am worth loving. Not only when things are going well and I'm genuinely happy, but also that I'm still worth loving even when I'm a ball of anxiety and sadness.

You help me by inviting me to hang out, or to games nights. You help me by holding me when I cry. You help me by not treating me like a freak because I ask you to change a song or watch a different movie. Or when I just hug you really tightly all of a sudden because I just need to feel some sense of security. You help me by not making a big deal out of it when my emotions suddenly decide that I'm done being social and I decide to head out.

You help me by being genuinely happy to see me. Right now, I can tell that the people around me actually do love me a lot and aren't just hanging out with me because I'm a charity case. It honestly means the world to me that people enjoy being around me even though I'm so down a lot of the time. (Sometimes I'm amazed that I've managed to make new friends this year, despite my "condition.")

I'm so grateful for all of you who have shown me that you're in for the long haul. You're here when I'm happy and joking around, but you're still here when I'm a burnt out, emotional wreck. You have no idea how much it means to me to not have to wonder if you're going to get sick of me and stop being my friend. It's all of you that give me hope that there will be a guy someday that will love me as I am and won't ever leave me.

This summer I got really in to the musical Dear Evan Hansen. In one of the songs, the title character sings:

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay
‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will coming running
And I know, they’ll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you’re broken on the ground
You will be found

So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found

There have been many times this year that I have felt broken on the ground, and my friends and family have lifted me up and helped me to get through one more day. Come to think of it, sometimes I literally am on the ground, curled up sobbing, or laying on the floor staring blankly at the ceiling, and people have come and sat, or laid, on the ground with me.

Simply reminding me that I'm not alone and that I'm cared about helps me more than I could ever possibly express. You've shown me that while I feel broken in so many ways, I am still important to you. You've shown me that there is still SO much good in my life and that I am still capable of doing some good myself.

On that note, there is something else that you can do for me. You see, the last pattern that I wanted to talk about is something that bothers me actually. I've noticed that often when people talk to me, they tend to do a couple of things that I wish that they wouldn't.

The first is that you apologize immediately if you've said "I understand." Those two words are always followed by "Oh gosh! Of course I don't understand! What a stupid thing to say! I have no idea what you're going through!"

Take a chill pill. I'm not offended that you said that that you understand my struggle. I know that you don't, you know that you don't, so what's the problem? "I understand" is something that you say when you sympathize. Of course you don't know exactly how I feel. But you do know what it is like to go through a difficult trial, and you know that I must be going through a lot of pain and sorrow right now.

I understand that when you say that you understand, what you're really saying is that you feel for me. You don't feel what I feel, but you don't have to in order to feel for me. Let's be real. The only person who truly knows how any of us actually feel at any given moment is the Savior. He is the only one that literally understands. It's okay that you don't, He's got me totally covered.

(I'm also extremely glad that you don't understand because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.)

The second thing is on a similar thread to the first. Stop apologizing for venting about your own problems. Too many times I've had friends start talking to me about their struggles when it's like all of a sudden they realize who they're talking to. "Oh man, I shouldn't even be complaining about my problems! They're nothing compared to yours."

Freaking stop that.

Don't you think for one second that you can't talk to me about what you are going through because my life is worse. Whether my life is actually worse or not is neither here nor there because regardless, you still have trials and they're still hard.

I used to be able to talk to one of my loved ones about ANYTHING that I was struggling with. But there came a time when every time I tried to seek comfort or guidance for something that I was going through, this person would brush my problems aside because they weren't nearly as bad as things had been for him/her in the past. And let me tell you, that made me feel like a pile of stepped in crap.

Yeah, maybe my problems weren't as severe as what this person had gone through, but that didn't mean that they weren't still really hard for me at the moment! After a while, I stopped going to that person at all.

Please don't treat me like I'm that person.

I don't care what the magnitude of your issues are, I'm here for you no matter what! Give me a chance to give back even the teensiest bit of what you all have given (and continue to give) to me. I'm not going to stick my nose up at your problems and tell you that they're nothing compared to mine. Yeah, my life sucks right now in a multitude of ways. But so does everyone's to some degree. That's life.

Whatever you are going through is very real, and very difficult for you. So let me be there for you. Please please please don't you ever think that you can't come to me for support because I'm the one that really needs support.

I can both need and offer help simultaneously. It helps me to know that people still feel like they can come to me for help and support. It reminds me that I still have so much to contribute, even when it sometimes feels like I have nothing left to give.

So stop apologizing to me for talking about your supposed "lesser problems." Let's just all agree that trials are hard no matter what they are and that we'll be there for each other throughout our individual struggles. Okay?

Okay.

Whew. Glad that's over with.

But really guys. You do much, much more for me than you realize simply by being my friends. By reaching out to me, but also allowing me to help you however I can, you give me a reason to keep going day after day. It is the people that help me as well as the people that I have been able to help that remind me that there is still so much good to be had in this world and that it is not at all hard to find. I see it every single day in your outstretched hands. So thank you. Thank you for setting a new pattern in my life and proving to me that things really can change for the better.

I seriously owe you one.

Porn is Everywhere

While I agree with the Fight the Drug campaign, this post is not in association with their website.
These are my own observations and ideas.

So this post has been swirling around in my head for quite a while now, but I've never really known where to start. So I'm just going to start typing and see what happens.

We need to stop normalizing porn.

Let me start out with one of my Facebook statuses from a few months ago:

Here's the thing, to most of the world, pornography isn't a big deal. To much of society, it's totally normal for teenagers to view pornography and experiment with masturbation. To the world, there is nothing harmful in it. Many men and women don't seem to mind if their significant other views porn here or there. I've even heard of marriage counselors that encourage couples to watch porn together before they are intimate with each other to help arouse them.

And even if someone isn't okay with what is considered to be porn, they're still okay with the normalization of the constant bombardment of sexual images, speech, and ideas.

Let me see if I can explain. I'll start with some examples and then go more into why we shouldn't be okay with living in a sexualized culture.

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Commercials:

We don't even have to watch those sensual cologne commercials to see a sexualized ad. Beer ads, ice cream ads, even fast food ads often use a sensual theme to make their products seem more appealing.

Internet ads:

On many websites, especially movie viewing websites it seems, the ads on the sides all seem to have pictures of provocative women with lots of cleavage accompanied by captions such as "Meet hot Asian singles near you!" Or "Meet beautiful, exotic women who need your company." Or some other type of message that involves offering hookups with various types of attractive women near you.

I've had ads pop up on YouTube and Spotify that were definitely not things that I would want my future kids to see and hear. And it's near impossible to filter the raunchy ads out!

Even the silly little games on my phone have inappropriate advertisements! I have a game called "Word Cookies" where you have to find all of the words that you can make out of a set of 6 letters. It's a nice little word challenge game and would be great entertainment for a learning kid except for the ads. Many of them are fine; ads about Tetris-like games or realtors. But one ad in particular always really bothers me.

It's for a game called "Choices" where you're put into different situations and have to decide what to do. The choices given in the ad involve finding a boyfriend/spouse cheating on you in bed and the choices given are something to the effect of "Yell at them" or "Join them!"

Excuse me. What?

Why are we making it seem like joining your cheating boyfriend and his side chick or side dude in bed is a valid option? Where has virtue and integrity gone to in our society? What happened to wanting solid, lasting relationships?

Then there are the ads that pop up in your junk/spam email and suggested articles on Google Now. Why the internet thinks that I want emails with fairly explicit pictures of lingerie or sex tips I could not tell you. And the fact that Google Now on my phone decides to show me an article about Disney Princess lingerie because "You have shown interest in Disney" doesn't make a ton of sense to me. What if that phone belonged to a 12 year-old girl that was really in to Disney and all of a sudden she's got sexy lingerie ads popping up on it?

And I can't say that I'm not interested in the ad because it's lingerie, only that I'm not interested because it's Disney. Dumb.

Misc:

I worked at a fair for a couple of summers when I was in high school with a couple from my church that owned their own business. When work was slow enough, I was allowed to go walk around the fair. I would check out the different booths and walk around the area with rides. That particular area always kind of disturbed me. There would be a structure set up as a house of oddities that had practically naked women on it! There would be a huge picture of a woman that was half human and half snake. The bottom half of her would be a snake's body/tail, and the top half would essentially be boobs. And there were pictures like that all over the fair equipment! Huge pictures of sexy ladies with barely covered (or uncovered) massive boobs.

That is NOT what I would want my kids to see as we walk around the county fair.

Media

Books:

*Disclaimer* This section gets into some deep crap, so feel free to skip it.

Okay, so I've heard bits and pieces about Fifty Shades of Grey over the last few years, but never really knew what it was about. I just had a vague idea that it had a lot to do with sex and I knew that it was really popular. So I finally looked up a summary because I couldn't understand why a novel about sex would be so popular. I was completely horrified to see just how far society has fallen.

People are obsessed with these books and movies and all I'm getting from the synopsis is that it's about a girl being manipulated by a powerful man to start a purely sexual relationship focused on violent sex. The Wikipedia synopsis says that "It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism (BDSM)." So basically it's all about violent sex. Oh good.

I've never read the book or seen the movie and absolutely will not EVER. But even reading the synopsis makes me sick to the stomach. And it makes me even sicker to think that so much of the world is just lapping it right up! It's a bestseller. Personally, I feel like the author should be checked out for psychopathic/abusive tendencies. I'm literally getting nauseous just writing about it, so I'm just going to leave that there.

Movies/TV:

Again, I've never seen this, but let's talk about Game of Thrones for a second. This article talks about how Game of Thrones is pornographic and how no one cares because it's a show, not a porno. Again, normalizing sexual explicity.

Then there are shows like Friends and How I Met Your Mother that show one night stands and affairs as humorous.

One of my roommates was watching Friends one day and I overheard one of the characters talking about a woman, I don't remember what he said exactly, but it had to do either with wanting to have sex with her or that he recently had. And then I hear another one of my roommates say "and he's engaged." I went into my room and cried (this instance was after I'd been sexually abused).

Then there are less obvious examples. For example, my friend and I started watching the first Back to the Future movie just a couple of nights ago (I haven't watched them since I was a kid) and we ended up turning it off soon after Marty McFly meets the younger versions of his parents. You want to know why? Because the reason that his dad got hit by his future father-in-law's car is because he fell out of a tree that he had climbed for the specific purpose of watching his future wife changing her clothes. And then Marty ends up getting hit by the car instead and his mother comes in to take care of him when he wakes up and she keeps trying to look under the blanket where he's only wearing underwear and also keeps touching him intimately.

So his dad is a Peeping-Tom and his mom is a total creeper and that's supposed to be hilarious instead of immensely disturbing. Um, okay.

Why This is a Problem 

So now we can see how we are living in a super-sexualized culture, but you already knew that (whether you've really thought about it or not). But why is it such a big deal?

To most of the world, porn is seen as either totally fine, or bad, but not terrible. Let me tell you why it is terrible. Pornography really is a highly addictive substance just as much as cocaine and alcohol are. Think I'm exaggerating? Allow me to attempt to explain.

The definition of addiction according to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (ASAM) states that:

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death.

While pornography is not included in the DSM with other addictions, I think that it's pretty clear that it fits under that category.

When you watch porn or masturbate, dopamine is released which causes a feeling of pleasure/euphoria. Thus you are rewarded for viewing porn in the same way that you are rewarded for drug intake. Oxytocin is also released, literally creating an attachment between yourself and a screen and/or yourself and your own body which means that, over time, abstaining from viewing porn and masturbating becomes more and more difficult.

There are also other adverse effects of addiction.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently and we talked about what has happened to me this year. I talked to her about the role that pornography has played in the events of this past year and she seemed to be having a difficult time seeing how someone could make the jump between looking up pornographic images and committing a felony.

But then we talked about the things that this person has been going through over the past few years. In the last few years she has struggled with alcoholism to the point where she had actually stolen alcohol in the past. I commented that she's not the type of person to just steal things and how it's interesting how the addiction to alcohol drove her to do things that she would never have done on her own.

She got this kind of "Oh." look on her face. All of a sudden, what my ex-fiance did made just a teensy bit more sense. It certainly doesn't justify it, but it is just that much easier to understand what might have been going on. Anyone that knows my ex never would have expected him to do what he did. But addiction can only too easily lead to beyond terrible decisions.

*This is also awful*

It reminds me of this horrific episode of NCIS that I saw part of while my mom was watching it. This was over 4 years ago that I saw this and it still haunts me. In this episode, a man swallowed a bag of some hard drugs and then was killed. His sister, who was also addicted, cut him open and started partaking of the drug from inside her dead brother's body. That scene still bothers me. How could someone be driven to do something like that?

How could someone be driven to steal money to fund drugs? How could someone be driven to kill for drugs? How could someone hide cameras in their fiance's apartment to fuel a sexual addiction?

In my psychology class we learned about Ted Bundy and I was shocked to learn that in his final interview, he talked all about how he was a porn addict and how that eventually led to his molestation and murder of 36 women. (I understand that porn was not the only catalyst for Ted Bundy's actions. As with any addiction-related crime, there are a lot of factors that go into it, but addiction only makes everything else worse).

My teacher took a moment to warn us about pornography. He said that he's sure that there were people in that classroom that were struggling with porn and he understands that that can be difficult to overcome. But he told them that if they have started to view any kind of violent porn, then they need to stop immediately. Once sexual pleasure is associated with violence, the problems escalate immensely.

Ted Bundy is an extreme example, but there are more every-day representations as well. It's not hard to find shows, books, or real life examples of an individual getting bored with their S.O. and going off and finding someone else to make things exciting for them again, resulting in cheating. Pornography sets unrealistic expectations for intimacy. After watching an airbrushed, arranged sexual experience, one begins to believe that porn is how sex always is (or should be) and anything else will only disappoint and leave one seeking out a more thrilling experience.

So basically loyalty and commitment go out the window.

I mean, where do you think that sex offenders come from? I don't think that they just decided one day to become criminals.

And here's the thing, if we compare an addiction to porn/masturbation to that of a drug addiction, I find porn to be scarier in a lot of ways. Think about it. If someone is addicted to drugs and goes to a rehab center, accessing the drug would be incredibly difficult while there. But if you're a porn addict, not only is it way too easy to access porn, but even if security is tight enough that you can't, you will still have access to your own body. It would be really difficult (and inhumane) to take away someone's hands and pleasure centers. Because of this, pornography and masturbation are extremely hard addictions to kick because they're both so readily available.

And that's why porn shouldn't be normalized. Addiction needs to be stopped before it's started and pornography should be treated just the same as any other addiction. Society needs to be educated about the dangers of pornography, the adverse effects, how to prevent forming an addiction, and how to kick a porn addiction. Those who struggle with porn should be able to find the support that they need to help them to overcome.

This post has gotten REALLY long and I could talk about this subject for forever, but I'm going to wrap things up here. But please, if I have opened your eyes at all to the damaging effects of having a sexualized society, learn more about it. There are organizations such as Fight the New Drug and Covenant Eyes that you can find on Facebook that give lots of great information about the dangers of porn and how to fight it. I'll also add some links to the bottom of this post here that give some more information on some of the things that I've talked about.

But let me just say this. If you are struggling with porn and you see me around wearing my Porn Kills Love shirt, know that I don't hate you. I hate porn. I hate what it can do to people's brains. I hate the suffering that I am going through that porn greatly contributed to. But I understand that porn really is a drug. So as long as you're fighting against it, I'm here to love and support you.

Know that there are others out there that care about you and will not revile you because of your struggle. Also know that you can't fight this alone. Reach out for help. Reach out to your friends and family. Reach out to professionals. Reach out to God.

Fighting is not an easy path. I've never had a sex or drug addiction, but I've watched those that I love fight it and I know that it's extremely difficult. But it will be worth it. Being honest will be worth it. Fighting will be worth it. So don't give up. Keep fighting.

You can absolutely overcome this. I know it.

Blog post by my friend Lacie Anne about her experience being with a porn addict:

https://adventuresoflacieanne.wordpress.com/2017/10/18/loving-a-porn-addict/

Ted Bundy's final interview:

http://www.pureintimacy.org/f/fatal-addiction-ted-bundys-final-interview/

Info about the release of hormones during sexual experiences:

http://rheg.vastserve.com/articles/love-chemistry.htm?i=1

Game of Thrones and Porn:

http://www.covenanteyes.com/2016/02/02/if-you-are-watching-game-of-thrones-you-are-watching-porn/?utm_campaign=porn-circuit&utm_content=52687250&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook

Porn Basics:

http://fightthenewdrug.org/get-the-facts/?utm_source=rock_the_basics&utm_medium=fighter_app&utm_campaign=rock_the_basics_become_a_fighter

National Center on Sexual Exploitation

https://endsexualexploitation.org/

Video about fighting addiction:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao8L-0nSYzg&t=2s

Article about how Elizabeth Smart's captivity was only made worse by porn:

http://foreverymom.com/family-parenting/parents-hear-elizabeth-smart-pornography-made-worse/