Faith Isn't Foolish

I've been toying around with the idea of this post for a while (sound familiar? I basically always say that. But it's true!) So let me start by sharing a couple of experiences with you, and then I'll try to explain my point. (Please bear with me!)

First off, let me tell you about the day that the first news article about my ex-fiance's arrest came out.

In June, I wrote a letter to my ex that I will probably never send (the no-contact rule is still up between us and will be unless I decide to take it down). I told him all about what happened on my end that weekend in January that he was arrested. This is what I said about my reaction to the first news article coming out:

"Monday I went to work. I told my new coach the bare minimum of what was going on. I have no idea how I made it through that shift.

As I was walking home, I checked my texts. There were a bunch in a group message from my roommates. As I scrolled through, all of a sudden there was your mugshot. I immediately shut my phone off. I had [my old home teacher] meet me at my apartment and just fell into his arms sobbing when I got there.

I knew that an article was coming. I knew that it would all come out eventually. I couldn’t read it myself, so I had [a roommate] read the article to me to get it over with.

After [my home teacher] left, I laid on the couch for about an hour with my head on [my roommate's] lap. She played with my hair the whole time. At one point she mentioned that people were leaving nasty comments under the article. Something inside of me snapped and I knew that I needed to say something. I knew that if I did though, there would be no hiding the fact that it was me that all of this happened to. Everyone would know. Everyone would see. I had been avoiding telling anyone the real reason that we weren’t getting married and I didn’t really want to. But I grabbed my laptop and started typing. It just felt like what I was supposed to do. 

When I finished I read what I had written to all of my roommates and asked them if it was okay for me to post. It would drag them into the unwanted spotlight as well. 

They told me to post it.

For the next few days I endured so much negative backlash. Clearly what I needed right at that moment, no? All of a sudden, I was receiving as much hate as you were. People were angry at me for forgiving you. They thought that you had brainwashed me really well if I was defending you. They didn’t understand that I was not defending what you did. I was not asking that you receive no punishment from the law. I was not saying that I was still going to marry you. But what I was saying is that you have the same opportunity to repent that Alma and the sons of Mosiah (AKA- the VILEST of sinners) had. I was saying that it would be practically impossible for you to come out of this if all you would face is hate. You had broken my heart into the tiniest pieces, and I endured so much negativity for you. 

I faced it head on because I forgave you. I don’t know how I did it so quickly, but I did. I wasn’t angry. I was sad. I was worried about you. I wanted to give you your absolute best chance of coming out of this and living a happy life, even though I knew that I couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

Over the next few days I replied to some of the comments and tried to clarify my thoughts and feelings. After a few days I stopped looking at the comments altogether. I couldn’t do it anymore."

In the (in)famous post that I'm talking about, I wrote about how I wasn't angry at my ex and that I forgave him. I talked about how I wish that people would take a step back for a second and remember that he is a child of God, just like they are and that Heavenly Father wants him to come back to Him just as much as He wants any of His children to come back to Him. I talked about how Alma and the sons of Mosiah were the "vilest of sinners," and yet they were able to repent, be forgiven, and go on to do incredible work in the service of the Lord. I asked that my ex be provided that same opportunity to repent. I told them that I could see so much potential in my ex and that I hoped that he would be allowed the opportunity to reach it, rather than remaining a sum of his worst actions.

"Criminals stay criminals when they feel like that’s all they can ever be. I don’t want that for [my ex]... I want him to know that he can be healed. That he can be forgiven. Because HE CAN. He can and you have the power to either stop him or help him. PLEASE think about that."

So all of that happened within the first week of my ex being arrested.

Fast forward to last month.

I was looking over the stats for my blog and one of the things that can be tracked is "Traffic Sources." So basically where people are accessing my blog. Usually it just says Facebook and Instagram because that's where I share my blog posts. But a little while after I posted Don't You Dare Blow It, I found a new traffic source:

Stellar.

I clicked on the links until I hit one that actually went to the right page. Essentially, an ex-mormon used a section of my blog post to show just how brainwashed I am and how my mentality is everything that is wrong with the church. The comments underneath were simply lovely. I was called brainwashed, "That poor, stupid girl," and someone mentioned how I was "pushed to forgive him."

Ouch.

This broke my heart. While I know that it is not my fault if people use my words to further confirm to them that they were right in leaving the church, it still hurts me. The whole reason that I started this blog was to help others. So the fact that my blog was also being used to push people farther away from Christ killed me. Still does.

A friend of mine had a good point though. He made a reference to Joseph Smith History 1:33 where it says that:

"God had a work for [him] to do; and that [his] name should be had for good and evil among all nations, kindreds, and tongues, or that it should be both good and evil spoken of among all people."

My response was "When did I become like that?! I'm not a prophet or apostle. I'm not even close to being on the same level as them! How did I get here?" 

And well, I put myself here. This was never my intent. I didn't find out about the biggest betrayal that I've ever experienced and immediately think "I'm going to use this to help people! I'll start a blog!" It was more like "I'm want to hide from the world and have a pity party for the next 12 years. At least." Well, not completely. My gut reaction to any situation is to find a way to help. But I still never would have imagined sitting here almost 9 months later writing a blog post.

But it happened gradually, step-by-step. I felt like I needed to write out what I was going through and be brutally honest. Then I learned that my posts were helping others. Then I decided that if I could help my Facebook friends, then maybe I could help others too. 

And all of a sudden, I'm a blogger. And all of a sudden, I'm a subject of derision, ridicule, and even pity for my apparent idiocy. But I suppose that there are always two sides to the coin and I can definitely attest to the reality of "opposition in all things." But the good is worth the bad to me. 

Okay, thanks for staying with me through all of that. Now to the point.

Let's be honest, I'm probably going to get backlash from this post, whether to my face or on a Reddit page somewhere. But I'm writing it anyway because I need you all to know something.

Faith is not foolish.

I will be the first to agree that as flawed human beings, we misunderstand revelation at times. We also don't always know the proper way to respond to the promptings that we receive. I'm not perfect at interpreting revelation. I screw up all the time! 

With that being said, I don't at all regret the way that I have responded to this. Call me brainwashed, deluded, stupid, whatever. Tell me that it was my faith in God that got me into the position that I'm in right now. I have an idea now of how many people think that way.

But let me tell you what faith has done for me. 

Faith has allowed me to find joy amidst one of the single most difficult trials that I have ever faced. Faith has given me hope that I will be okay. That I can and will be healed of this pain. Faith has given me my Heavenly Father to turn to and rely on. Faith reminds me that I am absolutely not alone in this! Faith gives me the strength to keep going on with my life to the best of my ability. 

Faith is what is saving me.

I have faith that Heavenly Father has amazing things in store for me. I have faith that He is the one who has sent me all of the love and support that I have received and am STILL receiving. I have the faith that my ex's decision doesn't need to tear me apart beyond repair. 

I have faith in repentance. That as much as I am able to be forgiven of my sins, my ex can be too.

And you know what? 

I could find out seconds before I die that none of this is real and I still would not regret a single time that I clung to the Lord. It helped me to stay sane. But more than that, it helped me to find joy. Without a belief that a loving, Almighty God is on my side, I would be a very different person. I would have become bitter and hateful and everything negative. But because I do believe, I have gained a greater capacity to be compassionate, forgiving, and optimistic for the future. 

Everything good in my life right now directly stems from my faith. Every single thing that I have, and every single thing that I am, is a result of my striving to follow God. I'm certainly not perfect at it, but luckily doing my best is more than enough to my Heavenly Father.

So even if I were to learn that I was wrong all along, I could never regret the blessings that I have received, the people that I have been able to help, and the person that I have become because of my faith.

Luckily, I know for certain that this isn't some elaborate fabrication. I do, in fact, have a Father in Heaven. Christ really did suffer the Atonement so that I can have the greatest possible joy in the next life. God really is there is help me to find joy in this life. Christ strengthens me so that I can not only endure my trials, but also recognize the multitude of blessings being poured upon me right now.

Something that is interesting to me is that people think that I forgave my ex so quickly because I was forced to by the church. I can't help but laugh a little bit at that. Let me tell you why:

The first article released about my ex's arrest was in the BYU-Idaho Scroll. This means that the majority of people that were leaving nasty comments were members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, just like I am. Clearly they were not expecting me to be forgiving. Not only that, but everyone around me kept telling me that it was okay if I was angry for a while. I didn't need to feel guilty for any anger and I didn't need to feel rushed to forgive. Essentially, I had every right to hate my ex's guts and no one would judge me for it.

As a Latter-Day Saint, I have learned a lot about forgiving as the Savior forgives of course. But in that moment, no one was pushing me to forgive.

So you see, the only person that decided for me to forgive my ex is me, myself, and I. As I said before, I don't know why I was able to forgive so quickly. I don't know why exactly I wasn't filled with rage and hate for the man who essentially tore my heart out and stomped on it. But I know that I didn't force myself to forgive him. It just... happened. 

And I'm sure glad that forgiveness was my gut my reaction. While I have felt frustrated, heartbroken, and betrayed, I'm glad that I was able to choose not to let my ex have the power to turn me into a hateful, bitter person.

Because that is what forgiveness does. It allows YOU to start moving on. Think about it. Say someone wrongs you. You are hurt. They move on with their life. You don't. You are the one left angry and spiteful while they go on to live out happy lives.

Why give anyone that power over you? You absolutely don't have to! 

I'm not going to say that it is easy. I'm not going to say that I think that you're a sinner if you don't forgive right away. I'm not going to say that it's not okay to be really mad for a while. But know that you don't have to let your wounds fester forever. Christ atoned so that you can heal. Not only that, Christ atoned so that you could be shaped and refined in the flames of your trials and come out of them as a stronger, even more amazing person than you already are! 

But do you have the faith to let Him? That's really what this comes down to.

Does faith take away trials? Absolutely not. But does it help us to take our trials and become better through them? Absolutely YES!

People often say to me "I don't know how you do it," about me pushing through this awful trial. 

I don't do it alone. That's how.

Heavenly Father is with me every single moment of every single day and when I feel like I just can't do this anymore, He helps me to go just a little further. That is the only reason that I'm still going. That is the only reason that I am able to push through the pain and actually find legitimate joy in my life. Heavenly Father would be by my side even if I didn't recognize Him there, but having the faith that He absolutely IS there is what really makes the difference in my life.

In choosing to believe, I choose to allow Him to help me to carry on.

Faith empowers. Faith offers assurance and relief. Faith brings hope in even the darkest of times. And for those reasons, I will always stand by my decision to trust in my belief in God. Because for me, it is more than belief. I know that Heavenly Father is real. That He loves me. That He is watching out for me and doing all that He can to guide me become the best version of me that I can be. He is leading me to the most happiness that I could ever experience. I know because I have seen His hand over and over again in my life. I have seen Him bless me in countless ways.

Having faith in- and choosing to follow -Jesus Christ has been the absolute best thing for my personal joy and growth. This has been proven to me over and over again throughout my entire life. And so I really could never, ever say that my faith is foolish.