Patterns

So I've started to notice patterns in the way that people have treated me since my ex-fiance was arrested. One is how people react towards me the first time that they've seen me since the arrest. There are probably about four different types of people in this case.

First are the those who clearly don't know what happened. The ones that ask "you just got married recently, didn't you?" As you might imagine, these encounters are a bit awkward and usually result in those people feeling really bad. Which they shouldn't. I usually just laugh these ones off. I mean, if you don't know, you don't know. Ya know?

Second are those who are difficult to read. The ones that might or might not know what happened and I have no idea. I've found that they often do know, but don't want to bring it up because they don't want me to feel bad. These encounters are even more awkward because I don't know what they do or do not know. It's actually super reassuring for me to know that you do, in fact, know what's going on because then I don't feel like I have to pretend that my life is sunshine and daisies.

Because if I say that "it's been a rough year" and you have no idea what's going on, then I worry that you'll think that I'm just being dramatic when I think that I'm honestly pretty justified in saying that this year is a doozy. There have been oodles of blessings, but also lots of hardship.

The third type of people are those who I can tell know because they are overly enthusiastic to see me. "Oh Anna! It is SO good to see you! I'm so glad that you're here!" They don't have to mention what happened for me to tell that they know simply because they're going out of their way to make me feel extra special and loved.

Then there's the fourth type. They're the ones who express sympathy for what I'm going through, and then immediately start asking me questions. "How did you find out about the cameras? How could you forgive him so quickly? How do you feel about his sentencing? Do you agree with the judge's decision?" etc.

I don't necessarily have a preference in which type you are other than that it's good for me to know how much you know so that I can feel comfortable with being real. I feel like I don't have to pretend to be hunky-dory when I'm not really feeling it. And I am doing well sometimes! But a lot of the time I'll be doing well and then my emotions start to crash, in which case, it's nice to know that everyone will understand if I decide to duck out early.

You don't necessarily need to be the fourth type (although I honestly don't mind that type, so don't feel bad if you fall into that category), but some sort of simple acknowledgement that you know what's up is great.

Another pattern that I've noticed in the past 8 months has been what I refer to as "The Questions of the Year."

These are "How are you?" and "What can I do for you?" and I have no clue how to answer either of these questions. (And then there's the third question that I don't get nearly as much. "Are you seeing anyone?" To which I just laugh and say no. I don't know when I'll be ready for that and- luckily -there isn't a line of guys waiting for me to be ready, so I don't feel too much pressure. But I digress.)

"How are you doing?"

If I know that you know what's been happening in my life, then I'll usually respond with "I'm doing" or an occasional "Okay." If I don't know what you know, then I'll usually say that I'm doing okay, but that it's been a rough year (which often helps me to determine if you know what happened or not). Beyond those answers, I struggle to know how to explain how I am. Because how I'm doing is subject to change at any moment.

Some days I'll be doing great! I got enough sleep, ate three meals, am happy, etc. Other days I'm like that for a while, and then my emotions start to tank extremely quickly, sometimes because of a trigger, sometimes just because. And sometimes I'm just feeling down all day. I joke that my emotions don't seem to have a rhyme or reason and simply seem to depend on the day, the position of the sun, and whether or not it rained recently.

So all in all, "How are you?" is kind of a tough question for me to answer because even if I'm doing well at the moment, I'm not really doing well in general necessarily.

And then there is "What can I do for you?/How can I help?" And honestly, I have no clue most of the time. Sometimes I know what I need in a particular moment; a hug, a funny story/video, some kind of distraction (usually card games or video games). But over all? What I need isn't something that I can really ask of any of you. I need strength. I need health. I need healing.

The thing is though, you are already giving me what I need in so many ways. You are giving me your love and support. I wish that I could properly express what that really means to me.

You see, growing up I always had really low self-esteem. I often felt like no one really cared about me. No one thought about me. No one wondered how I was doing or thought to invite me to activities. This wasn't so much of a problem when I lived in Virginia for five months after my mission, but those feelings returned when I got to school.

The recurring pattern that I saw over and over again in my life was that I would make a friend, and then they would leave me. Either because they physically moved away, or because they mentally checked out of our friendship. Because of this pattern, I have often felt like I wasn't good enough for people to stick around. I wondered if the people that did associate with me only did so out of pity. I was sure that I wasn't worthy of their actual, genuine love.

I tried so hard to be the kind of person that people would want to be around. Cheerful, silly, bubbly, etc. I always had to be at my best so that I wouldn't drive my friends away. I would make myself miserable trying to ensure that everyone else was happy because I was terrified that they would leave me. I felt that there was something wrong with me and I would never truly be cared about for just being me.

But I tell you what, this year, I've been completely amazed to see just how many people really do care about me. I've been blown away by the love and support that I received not only at the beginning of this, but also now, 8 months later. You have proven to me that I am worth loving. Not only when things are going well and I'm genuinely happy, but also that I'm still worth loving even when I'm a ball of anxiety and sadness.

You help me by inviting me to hang out, or to games nights. You help me by holding me when I cry. You help me by not treating me like a freak because I ask you to change a song or watch a different movie. Or when I just hug you really tightly all of a sudden because I just need to feel some sense of security. You help me by not making a big deal out of it when my emotions suddenly decide that I'm done being social and I decide to head out.

You help me by being genuinely happy to see me. Right now, I can tell that the people around me actually do love me a lot and aren't just hanging out with me because I'm a charity case. It honestly means the world to me that people enjoy being around me even though I'm so down a lot of the time. (Sometimes I'm amazed that I've managed to make new friends this year, despite my "condition.")

I'm so grateful for all of you who have shown me that you're in for the long haul. You're here when I'm happy and joking around, but you're still here when I'm a burnt out, emotional wreck. You have no idea how much it means to me to not have to wonder if you're going to get sick of me and stop being my friend. It's all of you that give me hope that there will be a guy someday that will love me as I am and won't ever leave me.

This summer I got really in to the musical Dear Evan Hansen. In one of the songs, the title character sings:

Have you ever felt like nobody was there?
Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere?
Have you ever felt like you could disappear?
Like you could fall, and no one would hear?

Well, let that lonely feeling wash away
Maybe there’s a reason to believe you’ll be okay
‘Cause when you don’t feel strong enough to stand
You can reach, reach out your hand

And oh, someone will coming running
And I know, they’ll take you home

Even when the dark comes crashing through
When you need a friend to carry you
And when you’re broken on the ground
You will be found

So let the sun come streaming in
'Cause you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again
Lift your head and look around
You will be found

There have been many times this year that I have felt broken on the ground, and my friends and family have lifted me up and helped me to get through one more day. Come to think of it, sometimes I literally am on the ground, curled up sobbing, or laying on the floor staring blankly at the ceiling, and people have come and sat, or laid, on the ground with me.

Simply reminding me that I'm not alone and that I'm cared about helps me more than I could ever possibly express. You've shown me that while I feel broken in so many ways, I am still important to you. You've shown me that there is still SO much good in my life and that I am still capable of doing some good myself.

On that note, there is something else that you can do for me. You see, the last pattern that I wanted to talk about is something that bothers me actually. I've noticed that often when people talk to me, they tend to do a couple of things that I wish that they wouldn't.

The first is that you apologize immediately if you've said "I understand." Those two words are always followed by "Oh gosh! Of course I don't understand! What a stupid thing to say! I have no idea what you're going through!"

Take a chill pill. I'm not offended that you said that that you understand my struggle. I know that you don't, you know that you don't, so what's the problem? "I understand" is something that you say when you sympathize. Of course you don't know exactly how I feel. But you do know what it is like to go through a difficult trial, and you know that I must be going through a lot of pain and sorrow right now.

I understand that when you say that you understand, what you're really saying is that you feel for me. You don't feel what I feel, but you don't have to in order to feel for me. Let's be real. The only person who truly knows how any of us actually feel at any given moment is the Savior. He is the only one that literally understands. It's okay that you don't, He's got me totally covered.

(I'm also extremely glad that you don't understand because I wouldn't wish this on anyone.)

The second thing is on a similar thread to the first. Stop apologizing for venting about your own problems. Too many times I've had friends start talking to me about their struggles when it's like all of a sudden they realize who they're talking to. "Oh man, I shouldn't even be complaining about my problems! They're nothing compared to yours."

Freaking stop that.

Don't you think for one second that you can't talk to me about what you are going through because my life is worse. Whether my life is actually worse or not is neither here nor there because regardless, you still have trials and they're still hard.

I used to be able to talk to one of my loved ones about ANYTHING that I was struggling with. But there came a time when every time I tried to seek comfort or guidance for something that I was going through, this person would brush my problems aside because they weren't nearly as bad as things had been for him/her in the past. And let me tell you, that made me feel like a pile of stepped in crap.

Yeah, maybe my problems weren't as severe as what this person had gone through, but that didn't mean that they weren't still really hard for me at the moment! After a while, I stopped going to that person at all.

Please don't treat me like I'm that person.

I don't care what the magnitude of your issues are, I'm here for you no matter what! Give me a chance to give back even the teensiest bit of what you all have given (and continue to give) to me. I'm not going to stick my nose up at your problems and tell you that they're nothing compared to mine. Yeah, my life sucks right now in a multitude of ways. But so does everyone's to some degree. That's life.

Whatever you are going through is very real, and very difficult for you. So let me be there for you. Please please please don't you ever think that you can't come to me for support because I'm the one that really needs support.

I can both need and offer help simultaneously. It helps me to know that people still feel like they can come to me for help and support. It reminds me that I still have so much to contribute, even when it sometimes feels like I have nothing left to give.

So stop apologizing to me for talking about your supposed "lesser problems." Let's just all agree that trials are hard no matter what they are and that we'll be there for each other throughout our individual struggles. Okay?

Okay.

Whew. Glad that's over with.

But really guys. You do much, much more for me than you realize simply by being my friends. By reaching out to me, but also allowing me to help you however I can, you give me a reason to keep going day after day. It is the people that help me as well as the people that I have been able to help that remind me that there is still so much good to be had in this world and that it is not at all hard to find. I see it every single day in your outstretched hands. So thank you. Thank you for setting a new pattern in my life and proving to me that things really can change for the better.

I seriously owe you one.