"Hearts Don't Break Around Here" (His Side of the Story)

This is my favorite photo, and up until this point,
Anna has beaten me to using it. When she had the idea for us to
write our respective sides of the story, she graciously let me have this one.

Every night I'll kiss you you'll say in my ear

Oh we're in love aren't we?

Hands in your hair, fingers and thumbs baby

I feel safe when you're holding me near

Love the way that you conquer your fear

You know hearts don't break around here

-Ed Sheeran

(Hey there! Anna here! This is the first blog post that I've ever had someone else write. Everything that you're about to read was written by my fiance, Jonathan. You will probably be hearing from him on occasion in the future as well.)

I was very much of the mind that I wouldn’t get married for 4-5 more years (not for lack of trying).

I am an introvert, and up until a year ago, I could count, on both hands, how many dates I had been on since I was 16 (the age my church recommends youth start dating).

I’m also a recovering porn addict, and not too successful at that. Not until a year ago.

Music runs deep in my family, whether through instruments or through voice. While my parents and most of my sisters play multiple forms of instruments, I stick mainly to voice (haven’t played piano or violin in 15+ years). I was always singing in the church choir, which my mom directed, and when I went to school, I, of course, enrolled in an auditioned choir.

I took one year of school, to obtain 15+ college credits, as proof of education (I was home schooled) so I could enlist in the United States Marine Corps, my childhood dream.

While the journey to become a Marine has been rewarding, there are some less than savory parts that do not help, namely the culture of Too Much Information (TMI). Oh yes, Marines are very…….free with what they tell you, and in detail to boot. Not a good thing to couple with a pornography addiction.

After completing training at the School of Infantry, I returned home to Ohio to work. I was really not in good shape, relapsing multiple times a day.

Fear ruled all. Within the church, there is a stigma against pornography; a taboo that you just never talk about. And those who become addicted to it? Sure, there are people who will shun you out of surprised ignorance. Why? Because they just don’t know how to handle it. Good for them, that they kept themselves pure from the taint of pornography. The downside is that they have no clue how to handle someone who has.

Do not misunderstand me, I am not advocating that you dabble in such filth. I am asking those who have remained steadfast, in not partaking, to lend an understanding mind to those of us who have fallen. Satan plays on the fear that you will be thrown out of the church, and hated by everyone, if you ever reveal your terrible secret.

Oh yeah, he had me on the ropes, for 16 years. All that time, I was trying to repent incorrectly. You know, have my cake, and eat it. Never truly confronting how bad it was, or speaking with the people who could help me the most. I felt isolated; alone, and forgotten.

While I might have been in bad shape, I did know that I still wanted to go back to school, so I reapplied, and came back for the Winter 2017 semester.

Boy had things changed. There was this new choir director, and I was skeptical at first. She was having us do all these funny exercises, and voice warm-ups; it was weird.

That semester, I had read in the school newspaper, that a student had been arrested for felony, for hiding cameras in his fiancée’s apartment. It was tragic, that he had let his addiction sway him so far, to hurt the person he was to marry, for time and all eternity. It was….really messed up (I would usually be more colorful, in my description of the situation). It was a realization that the Rexburg Bubble was just a myth. Trouble can be found, if you go looking for it.

If there is one thing you need to know about Sister Smith, it is that she has an enormous heart, and that she is very punctual. Having worked with her, now for a few semesters, I can say that she plans each rehearsal to the minute. Class starts promptly at 3:15, and it ends, just as suddenly, at 4:15, with very, very few exceptions.

We had a concert coming up and practice time was precious, with the difficult pieces we were learning. It was a surprise, when she stopped class, for 20 mins, to talk to us about the story in the school paper, and speak about the dangers of pornography addiction. She knew both the students in question; perpetrator and victim. Had worked closely with him, and knew him to be an outstanding student and a hard worker.

That day, she bore her heart out, in love. Plead with those who were struggling with addiction, to get help. To know that there were those around that were willing to help, at a moment’s notice, with love in their hearts. It left a deep impression on me, marking a turning point in my life. No longer would I live in fear. No longer would I care how much pain I would go through. To become clean again, that was my singular goal.

Our choir maintains a Facebook page, to help communicate any schedule chains, or practices notes. The next semester, I returned home to Ohio to work, and Sister Smith again talked to the choir about pornography. I only know this because a person reached out, over the choir page, to tell her side of the story. Her name was Annaliese Kretchman. She wanted everyone to know that she didn’t hate her ex-fiancé, although she had every right to. That she felt forgiveness, even though he had committed a crime.

I knew that she must be a special person to have been abused in such a way, but to love the gospel so much, not only to stay in the church, but to forgive her offender. Even so, I never thought that our lives would ever cross.

Coming back to school for Fall semester, I discovered that the choir was participating in the church’s Light the World campaign. Because our semester ends mid-December, we decided to start in October, till the end of classes. Sister Smith was forming a student council, to find and organize service opportunities, and was asking for volunteers, so I put my name in the hat.

Our first meeting was spent figuring out who would be in charge of different aspects of our service initiative. We had decided that we wanted a unique theme each week, spreading from those nearest you to people you didn’t know. Think Sphere of Influence. That meeting is when I heard her name, and saw her, in person; Annaliese Kretchman.

At the time, she was dating a wonderful guy (I can personally attest. I’m friends with him), and she looked so happy, standing next to him. I thought that resolution had occurred, and that she had moved on with life.

One of the last themes we introduced, was that of serving complete strangers; people you might see every day, passing them by. It’s a college campus, so there are plenty of people to serve. My partner and I traded off sharing a story of service, whether from the scriptures, or our personal lives, and the lot fell on me this time. The Spirit reminded me of line from Lord, I Would Follow Thee: “In the quiet heart is hidden sorrows that the eye can’t see.” I thought of all the people I pass on the streets. What wounds do they bear that I can’t see?

I approached Sister Smith about the spiritual prompting, and asked if I could give the porn talk, this semester. I was given the green light, with some suggestions and concerns that Sister Smith wanted me to cover.

I was nervous, wondering how I would talk to 250 students, about something that I was currently struggling with. The idea came to talk about first impressions, an oft heard discussion amongst education majors, with job interviews in mind. As Anna has said, I dressed up nicely that day, styled my hair (not a usual occurrence), and was clean shaven (a given at BYU-I). When asked about my own impression, I received nothing but positive feedback. Not hard, as Anna says I am "super attractive."

Then to hit them with the hammer, that I was still struggling with pornography addiction, after 17 years. That there were choir members with the same struggle, and many others who have crippling anxiety, PTSD, thoughts of suicide, and depression. That beyond what we can see on the exterior, there were many bleeding out from spiritual, mental, and emotional wounds.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, as a result, but what became reality was 250 choir members reaching out to each other; those who suffer, and those who don’t. That individuals realized that they weren’t alone in the fight, and true Disciples of Christ stood ready, with outstretched hands. It was an amazing sight.

As life went on in the semester, I officially met Anna, singing at an assisted-living facility. Nothing much happened then, but a week or so later I was standing by to ask Sister Smith something about an upcoming project. Anna was already speaking to her, and she had started to cry as Sister Smith hugged her. I decided to make myself scarce since it wasn’t my business to pry in to.

The next day we were volunteering at a local food pantry and Anna caught a ride out with my friend and I. A song started playing, and it was too much for Anna, who asked if I could change the song; she had started crying. I wasn’t sure what I should do, or could do, since I was driving. We finished the service project, and found out that she had ridden back with another friend who was also there, but that our service leader had forgotten to tell me, so there was 10 minutes of frantic searching and messaging before we found out that she was safely home.

We texted back and forth more that night, and somewhere in there we learned that she can make really good cookies, and I really love baking cinnamon rolls. How it happened, I’m not quite sure, but I offered to teach her, and she accepted. I immediately lost my crap, because I had just sort of asked her on a date. I say sort of, because the words that came out of my mouth were not “do you want to go on a date and make cinnamon rolls with me?”, but the result was the same.

I’m not kidding, I freaked out, and wrote Sister Smith a long email, immediately.

Admittedly, not much happened, besides making some really good cinnamon rolls, with one of her roommates there for comfort support. Our friendship began there.

Over the Christmas break, we continued to message, and I saw her post on FB saying that she needed a ride for herself and her brother, who she had finally convinced to come to BYU-I. She was down in Salt Lake, and I had gone to Oregon, to see my grandparents. At the time, I didn’t really know why, but I will go out on a limb and say that it was the Spirit. I felt like I needed to be the one to provide that ride, and I happily ponied up.

Let us be clear, Oregon, to SLC, to Rexburg, is not “On the way”. It’s something like +4 hours, and I had a military training weekend, in SLC. The smart decision would have been to not give the ride and just stay at my sisters, and go to drill. What I did was add more hours of driving, to go up to Rexburg, then immediately turn around, literally, not figuratively, and go back to SLC for training.

Totally worth it.

Mostly talked on the drive up and got to know her brother. Like the cinnamon rolls, nothing significant happened per se. We just got to know each other better.

Winter semester, Anna invited me into her friends group; watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, the Marbleympics during Oreo night, and other fun activities. I went to every one, and was often the last to leave. Yes, she thought I was weird, but hey, persistence pays off.

A very impactful night happened in the first weeks. She called me late at night, to give her a blessing for the coming semester. We talked a little about what was going on, and she confided that she had felt like a failure the previous semester when all the service projects were going on and she was sick during most of them. She felt like she was a burden and only took from other people and could never give back. It was heartbreaking, to see someone who survived mental, emotional, and sexual abuse, think of themselves as broken.

Except I did not see some broken object before me, nor did I see a burden. There is a Japanese art form, which uses gold dusted lacquer to repair broken ceramics, and pottery. It is important to note, that in doing so, not only is the object repaired, into whole form, but it is more beautiful than it was previously. It had to be broken first, in order to be made into a masterpiece. As for being a burden, that is how we become stronger. By bearing more weight, we better ourselves, and can lift more. Anna would always be a burden that I would happily bear.

That night, I was able to hold her, and comfort her, then give her a blessing from Heavenly Father that expressed his everlasting love for her. That He knew her, not in some general manner, as one of His children, but personally, by name; Annaliese Kretchman.

I can’t pinpoint the moment that I started liking her, but by this time I definitely liked her. I wanted to spend every minute of time that I could. I’ve even fallen asleep on her couch while she and her roommate were watching a Korean drama (maybe not the brightest thing I’ve ever done).

I wanted to ask her on date, and knew that I needed to confront my addiction head-on. I couldn’t date her and be relapsing daily. It was hard (oh boy, it was hard), but I went clean for 2 weeks, before asking her. I talked to her brother to see if it was kosher, and he revealed that Anna had already been wondering when I would ask her out. When I did, she looked a panicked, as she said yes. She told me, straight up, that she was, and would, feel very anxious, and I needed to prepare myself if I wanted to date her.

We had many more conversations about her anxiety, in the weeks leading up to the date. I was preparing for a total meltdown, or just having to give her some space. Whatever it was, I was gearing up for a wild ride.

And then the ride didn’t happen. We went to The Greatest Showman (I do not endorse going to a movie as your first date, but it worked for us), and I sort of knew what the movie was about, but it wasn’t until the songs started, that I realized that it would be deeply emotional for Anna.

First she rested her head on my shoulder, then she put her hand on my arm, so I put my hand on hers.  Halfway through the movie, I felt like I should just hold her hand, but I wasn’t quite sure.

Confession time: I had never held a woman’s hand before. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship either. I was on my own for this one.

She reached for her bag to grab some tissues and I decided to Hail Mary it; *schwoop!* I held her hand…and she was ok with it. We held hands and cuddled for the rest of the movie.

Now, something you need to know about my family; we LOOOOOOOVE to critique movies. When the credits roll and we’re waiting for some of dem delicious post-credit scenes, we are actively talking about what we liked, how hot the main character is, which song was our favorite, and the list goes on.

As the credits start, Anna turned to me, and I was fully expecting a rundown of the movie. “Jonathan, I didn’t fell anxious at all!” Well, good-bye my heart.

I think that I knew then, that if I could help her feel that way; free, happy, and safe, that I would marry her.

We had originally planned to go hiking, but weather and health nipped that in the bud, but I had promised her that we would talk for the same amount of time we would have been in the car: 2+ hours.

We decided on the dunes, because there’s a scene in the movie, where PT Barnum talks to his future wife on a beach. No beaches in Rexburg, but we could at least get the sand. We walked for few hours, and got to know each other better.

Important to Anna was knowing why I cared for her. This was hard for me to answer for a couple reasons. 1) I am an introvert and I don’t talk if I don’t have to, 2) I am a very private person. Ask my mom. I hardly tell my family anything that is going on in my life, and 3) There is a sacrifice you make to earn the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor of the United States Marine Corps.

While they may not kill your heart, they certainly train you out of your inner most feelings. I had lost touch with my most tender emotions, and consequently have a hard time explaining them.

I knew that I cared about Anna, immensely, but at the time, I didn’t specifically know why.

Then, we were dating.

Like, dating dating.

Sure, there were still anxiety filled moments. Lots of crying on my shoulder, hugging, and comforting. There was also happiness. I had only known Anna since she had been abused. Sure, she could be happy, but there was always an undercurrent of sadness and worry.

I saw her transform into someone who had survived an abusive relationship, to someone who would take a chance on me, a sinner. She became free and radiant as our relationship deepened.

As the semester neared its end, we began to feel like we would probably get married, and if we did, it would be waaaaaay down the line. We had talked about the end of Winter, before realizing that we wouldn’t want to wait that long, so we started talking about the end of Fall semester, and having our first Christmas together, as husband and wife.

Then Revelation Sunday happened, and that all changed reaaaaaally quickly. Suddenly, with the confirmation of the Holy Ghost, we were getting married at the end of summer.

Originally, I thought I had to be back in Ohio, pronto, for military training, but through a gaff of my own, it turns out that I didn’t and I could stay a little longer. I thought it was such a blessing, to spend one more week with Anna, but it turns out it was because we needed to plan a wedding.

Oh, we sure thought it was going to be a relaxing week…not. We hardly slept and we napped hard.

Now, it’s time to talk about the proposal.

An interesting thing is that Anna still has the rings and dress from her previous engagement. She had picked them out, and designed them in the case of the rings, and they have personal meaning to her. Her ex just paid for them.

They were being stored at a friend’s house down in Utah, and we were heading down that weekend to go to a mutual friend’s wedding in Manti. We had discussed whether we wanted to use the same rings or get new ones. I had read a post from Anna about how she had chosen and designed the ring, and the symbolism that it had, and felt good about using it still. We decided to re-dedicate the ring, in prayer, to our marriage.

After picking up the dress and rings, we headed up towards Manti. We were just passing through Spanish Fork, going up into a beautiful mountain pass. It was pretty late at night, and the sky was clear. We were having a heart-to-heart, and things were getting heavy.

You see, I wasn’t planning on proposing for a few more days. Anna had wanted it to be a surprise, and for someone to be there to take pictures. Well, she got one of those.

So there we were! Beautiful country and a starlit night, having a deep conversation. We had just passed one of those scenic overlook pull-offs, and the Spirit told me to stop at the next one and propose. After all, stars are Anna’s favorite thing.

She had just asked “What are you thinking about right now?” right as I found a suitable place to pull over. We finished the conversation, then asked if we could get out and dedicate the ring. I saw a shooting star as I got out, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what my wish was. Anna will probably tell you more of the exact moment, but I will say that I watered her with my tears. After finishing the prayer, I turned to her and very simply asked her to be sealed to me, for time and all eternity.

It was perfect, and not even by my design. The last time she had asked someone “What are you thinking?” things went to hell in a handbasket, and abuse happened/was happening. This time, true love was there, and the Spirit to witness to us that we were doing the right thing.

And the rest? Well, that story is still being written.

Ps- We had the amazing opportunity to kick off the porn speech together in choir this semester. You can watch it here.

Wait, What? (My Side of the Story)

I'm letting him use our favorite picture of us this time because I'm a nice person.
So I'll settle for this one of us laughing. Even though you can't see his eyes.
Look at that smile though! And doesn't he look fabulous in uniform?
Love ya hon! ;)

Once upon a time, I got engaged and everyone was taken by surprise including me.

Hold up. What? What do you mean it took YOU by surprise Anna?

Well. Let me tell you.

Approximately 28 years ago, a boy named Jonathan Laulusa was born. Exactly four years and two months later, a girl named Annaliese Kretchman was born.

And the rest is history.

Okay, okay, there's more to it than that. I'm just not even sure where to start.

Let's start here.

I have PTSD. (Duh, we know that already).

I have PTSD, and so dating is basically terrifying for me. (We already knew that too).

I have PTSD, and so dating was basically terrifying for me until all of a sudden, it wasn't anymore.

And that didn't happen when I started dating Jonathan. Or my last boyfriend. It didn't stop being scary until Heavenly Father kicked me in the pants.

Wait.

What?

Let me legit explain now that I've obfuscated enough.

So Jonathan and I met during a service activity for choir. He was the one driving everyone.

The second interaction was similar, only with more tears.

We were driving to go volunteer at a food bank and I was sad. My awesome ex boyfriend had just broken up with me, and so all of the sadness that had been kept partially at bay while we were dating was flooding over me again. The song playing on the radio really set me off, and I asked Jonathan (who as far as I knew knew nothing about me or my story) to change the song.

That's the night that we started talking. He basically asked me if I was okay, told me that he noticed that I was struggling, etc. And I just unloaded everything on him. This random choir kid that I didn't know literally at all. And he was super nice about all of it.

We hung out once that semester. He offered to teach me how to make bomb homemade cinnamon rolls and I accepted... And immediately was nervous about it. It wasn't a date, but the thought of spending one-on-one time with a guy that I didn't know was asking too much of my anxiety. So I had a friend come and just be there in the kitchen with us while Jonathan was there so that we weren't alone.

And that was pretty much it for Fall semester. We made cinnamon rolls once, messaged each other a bit over Thanksgiving break, and talked a teensy bit in passing at choir rehearsals.

I'm not sure if this was before or after we first met, but at some point in the semester, Jonathan gave a speech in choir.

Every semester, my amazing choir director gives a porn talk during rehearsal. This started the semester that my ex-fiance was arrested and has occurred every semester since.

So this past Fall semester, Jonathan was the one who started the conversation. He dressed really nicely that day, stood in front of all of us, and asked people to give their impressions of him. Hands went up and people gave lots of really positive impressions. Jonathan then went on to talk about how everyone has things about them that are not easy to see. Struggles with depression, suicidal tendencies, etc. He said that we looked at him and saw all of these good things, but would never guess that he had a 17 year struggle with pornography. And then the porn talk went on from there, as well as talking about unknown trials in general.

So I knew from the start that Jonathan is a (now recovering) porn addict.

Moving on.

Jonathan continued to message me quite a bit over Christmas break. He always seemed concerned about how I was doing and it was pretty easy to talk to him. I honestly still felt a bit of an aversion to him though simply because I felt like he might be starting to like me and I didn't want him to because the thought of someone that I didn't know before everything happened liking me scared me a lot.

At some point during break, I posted on Facebook that I was looking for a ride back to Rexburg for me and my brother. Jonathan commented that he could swing by "on his way back from Oregon" and pick us up.

Um. We were in Utah. Not exactly on the way home from Oregon.

So I told him that I'd keep looking.

Someone else commented that they might be able to drive us, but Jonathan ended up being to one to do it in the end.

After a four(ish) hour long drive with him, I decided to let him into my friend group. (Not that it takes much for me to do that as I invite pretty much anyone that I can think of to anything that I host. I don't like to think that I'm leaving anyone out and I want to make sure that everyone has friends to do things with. No one should ever be alone if I have anything to say about it).

So I started inviting him to my games nights and things and he always came. And he would often be the last to leave.

I, again, got the feeling that he liked me and I didn't like that. I thought that he was really nice, but kind of weird.

We always hung out in groups though, so we didn't talk as much one on one for a bit. But then he started to become one of the people that I would go to when I was struggling. And he just cared for me so much, so obviously.

I didn't understand it. It made more sense with my other friends who had known me since before the arrest, but this guy had only known me since I'd been a hot mess. And yet he clearly cared a lot about me and wanted to help me as much as he possibly could.

(The conversation that inspired my You're a Person, Not an Addict post occurred in this time. It was with Jonathan if you haven't already guessed that).

I knew that he would ask me out at some point and I felt bad about it because I still didn't really feel like I liked him. I had started to feel like I maybe (possibly) liked him a little bit, but I was super unsure about it.

Eventually he did ask me out. I said "Sure!.......... You know that I'm going to be a ball of anxiety the whole time though, right?"

This was going to be my first date (with someone that I hadn't already known) since my ex-fiance. And that was SUPER scary for me.

Oddly enough, I actually ended up going on my first-date-with-someone-that-I-hadn't-already-known with a different guy from choir just the weekend before my date with Jonathan. It came totally out of the blue. I was super anxious during/after that date, so fully expected the worst from my date with Jonathan.

We had a few heart to hearts in between him asking me out and us actually going on the date. My interest in him grew in that time, but I was still hesitant.

We were originally going to go hiking, but then my health and the weather ruined that. So we resorted to the worst first date; going to see a movie. But decided to also just go somewhere afterwards and just talk since we would have had plenty of time to talk if we had been hiking.

We saw The Greatest Showman and were literally the only two people in the theater. That made me feel a little bit anxious, but not bad at all. It was actually kind of nice because then we could talk during the movie as much as we wanted.

Jonathan ended up holding my hand during the movie and I was actually okay with it. We cuddled a bit for the rest of the movie and I thoroughly surprised myself when I honestly told him during the credits that I hadn't felt anxious at all.

It's like I kept waiting for the anxiety to kick in as soon as Jonathan held my hand. But then it just... didn't. I felt completely safe and comfortable with him, and that's not something that really happens with me at this point.

After the movie we went to the dunes and just walked and talked. I explained all of the reasons that dating me would be really hard. And he did his best to explain to me why he cared about me so much; a question that I had asked him one night when he was comforting me.

Next thing I know, we're dating.

Like, dating dating.

I hadn't expected that. But it felt right. I felt so safe when I was with him, and I loved how much he clearly cared for me despite all of my baggage.

Jonathan has always been SO patient with my anxiety. The first few weeks of us dating was a lot of me going back and forth about whether it was right or not and being super anxious because PTSD. And he was perfectly content to have the same conversations with me every day. Reassuring and calming me down every day.

After only a couple of weeks of us dating, we already started to feel like we would probably end up getting married at some point. I wanted to date for a really long time first so that I could feel 100% sure. My anxiety did NOT like the idea of putting myself in a position to be hurt again. I wanted to know everything about Jonathan. I wanted him to know everything about me. I wanted us to see each other in every situation. Basically, I wanted to take ALL of the time before getting married.

And he was perfectly okay with waiting.

He definitely knew before I did that we were for sure going to get married. For me, it was more of a "probably" kind of thing.

We talked about possibly getting married at the end of the next Winter semester. So in a year.

That would give us more time to date- both long distance and in person -and to be really sure.

After a while though, I knew that- realistically -if we were going to get married, we wouldn't end up wanting to wait that long. So we speculated end of Fall instead. That would give us about 8 months. Even that seemed really intimidating and fast to me.

Now let me tell you about finals weekend of last semester.

Friday and Saturday were emotional roller coasters for me. My anxiety was through the roof about various things. I would go from feeling really happy and reveling in Jonathan's amazingness to feeling like there was no way that us being together made sense or would ever work out because there was no way that I deserved someone as incredible as him.

I had multiple cry sessions all over Jonathan in those two days. A couple on his kitchen floor, one in the car in front of Broulim's, etc.

Friday, after my second cry-sesh of the day, Jonathan had finally calmed me down once again and we were just chatting. We got talking about his eventual wedding (whether with me or someone else) and he started talking about different resources that he had with decorations and DJ equipment and such.

J: "I could DJ the wedding!"

Me: "You canNOT DJ your own wedding!"

J: "Why not?"

Me:*Exasperated look* "Because, you have to mingle with the guests, dance with your wife....."

And then it hit me. His wife was going to be me.

Oh man you should have seen me. A sentence that started out berating him turned into me freaking out (in a good way this time) because it had just been confirmed to me that I was going to be his wife. I couldn't stop laughing. I was completely ridiculous.

The poor dear was so confused. It came absolutely out of nowhere. He was fine with it though because he already knew that we were going to get married, he had just been waiting for my anxiety to shut up enough for me to realize it too.

Even after my come-to-Jesus moment of figuring out that I was, in fact, going to marry Jonathan Laulusa, my anxiety did not shut up.

And so Saturday was another day of going back and forth between being super excited that I knew who I was going to marry and being terrified that I would never measure up to him.

He did EVERYTHING for me. And all I did was cry on him all the time.

I felt like he deserved so much better than a sad little broken Anna.

Then came what we call "Revelation Sunday."

Because of my anxiety attacks, Jonathan and I got very little sleep Saturday night. As such, we weren't sure if we'd make it through all three hours of church. I literally woke up just in time to brush my teeth, but a dress on, grab a Pop Tart, and bike to church. I got there running on no food and almost no sleep.

And yet when the speakers started speaking, I was all of a sudden hit with a TON of revelation. Reassurances that marrying Jonathan was right, that I was more than good enough, that I needed to be okay with him helping me so much, etc. The speaker would say one thing and I would write a full page of seemingly unrelated notes. And then I would look up, catch another line or two of someone's talk and then be off writing again.

After sacrament meeting, we decided to try to at least push through Sunday School. So we get settled into our seats, I whip out my Pop Tart, give on of the two in the package to Jonathan, and start eating mine. After a couple of bites, a member of the bishopric informs us that there was a mix up and they didn't have someone to teach the class. And my poor, sleep-deprived self raised my hand and said that I would teach. I gave a wistful glance to my still-almost-completely-whole Pop Tart and went up to the front.

I had no idea what I was going to teach about, so I asked for a volunteer for the prayer. After the prayer, I was still unsure, so I just asked some basic questions to gauge what was needed. So I started teaching and then partway through was hit with what I really needed to teach. And it wasn't for the students. It was for me.

Yet another reassurance that I was enough and that I was doing more for Jonathan than I felt.

In Relief Society (after scarfing down the rest of my Pop Tart), I received a few more little nuggets of inspiration.

After church we napped for a good two hours or so and then reconvened to pack Jonathan's car to go to Ohio.

At one point, we took a break from packing. We sat and talked some more about our eventual marriage. We'd been praying together every night since the beginning of our relationship and had prayed a lot to know when the right time to take next steps were.

Even though we both knew that getting married to each other was right, I still wanted to take plenty of time to just date before actually getting married. That seemed only fair after everything that I've been through.

Anyway, we sat and talked about timing and what not and then eventually I suggested that we finish packing. Jonathan got really thoughtful though and suggested that we should say a prayer. So I kind of shrugged and then knelt with him in front of the couch.

Well.

As soon as he started to pray, I got a thought. A thought that I then spent the rest of the prayer trying to pretend didn't happen.

The thought that came to me was that we should get married this summer.

Excuse me?

Um. No.

So I argued with myself for the rest of the prayer; telling myself that there was no way that that was a prompting and that I should just forget about it.

But then... I definitely didn't want to get married that soon. And we had never talked about getting married that soon. Jonathan had never pushed me to consider getting married any sooner than a year from now. End of Fall had been my idea and then felt okay when we prayed about it in our family prayers at night.

So where did that thought come from?

Jonathan finished praying and I didn't move. I was still arguing with myself. Really, I was arguing with God. Heavenly Father, this is scary. I love Jonathan and want to marry him, but NOT that fast. 

Jonathan said that I didn't move for a good 15 seconds or so.

Eventually I looked up at him and told him (very begrudgingly) the prompting that I received.

Needless to say, he was very surprised to hear that come out of Anna-the-Anxious's mouth.

But here's the thing guys. We then both felt REALLY good about it.

We prayed about it some more and it just felt right.

And all of a sudden I didn't feel anxious about marrying him anymore. And I haven't since.

After ALL of the anxiety of the two previous days, all of a sudden I was good.

Heavenly Father had to make everything stupid clear for me to get there, but I got there.

The night that my ex was arrested, I got a blessing from one of my best friends. In the blessing, he said that I would "confidently know" when I found the right person for me. And oh boy I have clung to that like a sloth to a branch.

All through dating my ex boyfriend and all through dating Jonathan I would pray and remind God that He had told me that I would confidently know.

I'm not generally one to ask for signs or whatever, but I was definitely asking for one here.

Heavenly Father, this whole dating/marriage thing is terrifying. I want to have love again, but I need it to be right this time. I can't take anymore heartbreak. You told me that I would "confidently know." Please make that happen. Please help me to be SO sure when it's right. Because otherwise I'll literally go back and forth over it for the rest of my life.

I think that I actually used the phrase "I need you to make it stupid clear" in one of my prayers.

And He did.

He made it stupid clear in a way that I definitely wasn't expecting at all. He told me to get married in about four months when I thought that I was going to be doing long distance with Jonathan for five.

Okay, so this is really long, so I'm going to wrap up my side of the story now. I'll let Jonathan cover the proposal and everything since I've already written so much. But be assured that I will absolutely write more about all of this later. I know that all of this sounds completely insane. I know that I just went from being afraid of dating to being engaged. I know that most of you didn't even know that I was dating someone.

Literally, I know.

I've told you what happened, but I plan to go a bit more in depth with the process of everything in later posts. Clearly an awful lot has happened in the last month or so (which is why I've been so terrible at posting), so it's going to take more than one post to really cover everything.

Hopefully this will satisfy everyone's curiosity for the moment though. I've had a lot of people demanding to know what the heck happened ever since I posted on Facebook that I'm engaged. Which is fair, since most of you didn't even know that I was dating anyone.

Anyway, there's my side of the story for you. Next post should be his side of the story, and then I'll elaborate a bit more on everything.

Until next time!

Ps- We had the amazing opportunity to kick off the porn speech together in choir this semester. You can watch it here.