This has been a really big weekend for a few different reasons. June 15th was both the one year anniversary of my blog and the three month anniversary of Jonathan and I dating. And then today (as I start writing this at least) is Father's Day. I originally started writing a post just about the 15th, but I haven't really had time to write until now and I decided that I wanted to say a couple of things about Father's Day while I'm at it since it's today.
The anniversaries that were on June 15th both mark days that have changed my life forever and I really felt that today.
Before I started blogging, I was already pretty open about my ex being arrested and how it's affected me. But by following the prompting to start a blog, I invited Heavenly Father to inspire me over and over again with different posts that progressively delved deeper and deeper into everything that happened. Not just from the time of the arrest on, but all of the abuse that happened before the arrest. Starting a blog was the beginning of me doing my best to speak out about things that society skirts around that we really shouldn't. Starting it helped me to decide to change my major so that I could dedicate my studies to learning how to better help people that have suffered from abuse and addiction.
I've mentioned this before, but I've come to realize this past year or so that I learn the most by talking (or writing). I really struggle to sit and ponder about things and try to figure out how I feel. But I'll say things while talking to someone that either I really needed to hear or else I didn't realize that I felt that way about. I had a moment like that while talking to Jonathan where I realized- as I was saying it -that I wanted to be with him.
With all of that being said, blogging has been the best way for me to process everything that has happened and discover how much I've learned, how far I've come, and how far I still have to go.
That's all I'll say about my blogiversary for now.
Let's talk about Jonathan.
We gave you all a basic rundown of how we met, started dating, and decided to get married. So let me expand on all of that a bit more.
I know that our story sounds insane. We'd only been dating for about four weeks when we knew that getting married this summer was right, and for only one more week than that when we got engaged. There is still so much that we don't know about each other and we've been long-distance ever since the proposal and will be until pretty soon before the wedding. I was seriously hurt (to put it lightly) by a porn addict, and all of a sudden I'm engaged to another one that I've known for less than a year. I get that all of that sounds not only crazy, but down right stupid.
I get that because it's crazy to me and I would think that it's idiotic if I didn't know for sure that it's right.
In a previous post, I shared parts of a conversation that I had with Jonathan when we were just friends where I realized that I wasn't afraid to be close to porn addicts. I mean, I knew that to an extent because I had stayed close to people that I was already close to before the arrest that are addicts. But I realized that I was willing to let new people into my life that struggled with pornography as well.
What's interesting too is that earlier that semester, I had had a conversation with a good friend of mine where we ended up talking about whether or not I would ever be willing to consider marrying someone who struggled with pornography again. My friend said something to the effect of "I don't think that Heavenly Father would do that to you. I don't think that He would have you end up with a porn addict after everything that you've been through."
When she said that I kind of got this "Hold up" feeling and told her that I didn't think that that was something that I was going to be "protected" from. Not because Heavenly Father is sitting up there "muahahahaing" as He finds another addict to "inflict" me with, but because addicts are people. And just because I was severely hurt by one addict didn't mean that all repentant, fighting addicts had no chance to not only be with me, but make me extremely happy. Heavenly Father can't protect me from everyone that sins or struggles because there is not a single person out there that doesn't sin and struggle.
Anyway, then all of a sudden I had the thought that marrying a recovering addict could end up being a huge blessing for so many people. Because me getting up and speaking about my experiences is great. But me getting up and sharing my experiences of being abused by a porn addict and then having my husband get up and share his experiences with being a porn addict would be so much more powerful. Because then you get both sides of the story to an extent.
Obviously Jonathan is not my ex, so he can't exactly tell his side of the story, but he can talk about the difficulties of fighting addiction from experience. And together we can show people the very real happiness that is still available for both those who have been abused, and those who struggle with addiction.
My ex is the perfect example of what can happen if you lie about your addiction and don't get the proper help. My fiance is the perfect example of what can happen if you are honest and seek out help.
Anyway, that picture in my head of standing up with some faceless future husband and (hopefully) changing lives stuck with me. Not that that's the reason that I'm marrying Jonathan, but that conversation helped me to be open to dating him when the time came. Because it was finally solidified for me that I actually WAS willing to give another addict a chance. As long as he was truly fighting.
And let me tell you, my experience dating Jonathan is so completely opposite to my experience with my ex. My ex hid and lied about everything. He abused me in so many different ways and made me feel like anything bad that happened was my fault and that I deserved to be treated poorly.
My fiance is open and honest with me about his addiction. He treats me with an immense amount of love and respect that I no longer feel that I deserve because I'm still struggling to break out of the abuse mindset.
When I have an anxiety attack and am crying everywhere, I feel like I would totally deserve it for Jonathan to get upset at me and feel like I'm a huge burden and mess that he doesn't want to deal with right now. But he never, ever makes me feel that way. Not only that, but he literally believes that every time that I am struggling is simply an opportunity for him to love me more.
For example, I had a great day today! Until tonight. For reasons that I'm not going to get into right now, by the time Jonathan and I Skyped tonight, I was REALLY struggling emotionally.
All day I had been so excited to Skype him (as usual, but especially since today is Father's Day). I was going to try to look especially cute for him and was excited to talk to him about all of the reasons that I'm excited for him to be a dad.
What he got instead was me having the beginnings of a panic attack and sobbing uncontrollably.
I felt so bad that that was what he was getting for Father's Day; a miserable, hysterical fiance. Happy Father's Day to you Jonathan!
I felt that he would be totally justified in being disappointed that that was what he got. That it would make total sense for him to be frustrated at me for not being able to contain my emotions for two seconds so that he could end his Father's Day on a good note.
But he wasn't.
He was grateful to have the opportunity to love me more.
Is he even a real person? Is this real life? Who actually thinks and feels that way?
Jonathan. That's who.
And that's why I'm marrying him. Because there has never been a moment where Jonathan has made me feel the way that my ex did. But more than that, he exceeds (in more ways than I could ever describe) anything that I ever thought was possible.
I figured that someday (possibly years from now), when I was in a bit of a better place in my life, a man might potentially fall in love with me. But it wouldn't be until I was back to full functionality. It wouldn't be until I was steadily working and a full-time student again. It wouldn't be until my mental, emotional, and physical health were under better control. And when that guy did come into my life, he would love me enough to deal with any baggage that I still had laying around (because I knew that that crap wasn't just going to disappear).
Then in walks Jonathan. And he loves me right now, in the middle of my recovery process, as the mess that I am. And he doesn't just "deal with" my baggage. He begs me to let him carry some of it with me; to not carry it alone anymore. He doesn't like when I'm sad, but he does rejoice that he has an opportunity to deepen his love for me as he supports me.
Jonathan has an eternal perspective unlike anyone else that I've ever met.
He understands that I'm going to be healing for a very long time. Possibly forever. But he is willing to go through all of that with me because he thinks that I'm worth it. Because he loves me THAT much.
Jonathan doesn't see a broken mess. He sees someone who is being refined and built up into something greater and more beautiful than before. He sees so much more in me that I can see in myself.
Ever since Jonathan and I started to become friends, spending time with him, relying on him, opening up to him has just felt so natural. Where I would have felt anxious with others, I've always felt safe and comfortable with Jonathan. And I couldn't possibly stress enough how big of a deal that is for me.
Deciding to marry Jonathan so soon is not a decision that I made lightly.
Over those few weeks of us dating, I had ALL of the concerns. ALL of the anxiety.
What if we're not really compatible? What if he's lying about trying to recover? What if he ends up hurting me like my ex did? What if I'm not good enough for him? What if I end up in another abusive situation? Am I strong enough to not do that? What if I miss warning signs? What if I end up caring about him so much that red flags go over my head? What if what if what if?!
Oddly enough, what ended up giving me the most anxiety was actually how perfect he is for me.
No one can actually be this loving. I don't think that he's faking, but I think that there will be a point where all of my crap will get old. Where he'll realize that "Wow, I DON'T actually want to deal with this anymore. It's way too much. This girl is messed up beyond what I can handle." And if he actually IS that good of a person, then he deserves SO much better than what I can give him. Someone this amazing deserves someone whole. He is too perfect. I can't keep putting him through this misery. I want him to be SO happy. He deserves ALL of the happiness. All I do is make his life harder. All I do is weigh him down. He deserves to be with someone that can measure up to the love and patience that he shows me. Someone this amazing can't possibly be content to be with someone like me for their whole lives. What if we get married and then he realizes a few years down the road that he wants more than what I can give him? He would be totally justified in that because he deserves more.
Holy exhausting anxiety Batman!
So believe me when I say that Heavenly Father had to seriously kick me in the pants to make me accept that marrying anyone so soon is the right thing to do. I wasn't kidding when I said that I wanted to take ALL the time to date and get to know Jonathan before marrying him. Dating was too scary. Marriage was too scary. I was freaking petrified when I thought of being vulnerable enough to fall in love again. To give my poor, fragile, cracked and healing heart to another person that could potentially shatter it again.
There was no WAY that I was going to take a decision like this lightly. And I didn't. And I don't.
If you could understand the depth of my fears, you wouldn't doubt my decision to marry Jonathan for a second. If you could see all of this through my eyes for even a second, you would know for sure that marrying Jonathan this summer would HAVE to be 112% the right thing to do for me to even consider it.
Going back to the "Holy Batman" anxiety though:
I've always struggled with self-esteem, but after being abused, I really struggle to believe that I could ever possibly deserve to be treated as well as Jonathan treats me. That I actually am worth all of the baggage. That it is possible for someone to see so much in me to love. Enough for them to want to be with me forever.
But Jonathan does! He really, truly does!
And even now, I struggle to believe that I can possibly deserve someone like him.
Jonathan is literally one of the most Christlike people that I have ever met. The love and respect that he shows me is unreal. Like, it is really hard for me to believe that he is a real person. It's like he's one of the three Nephites or something.
But he is real. And the love that he has for me is real. And the respect that he treats me with is real. And his desire to be with me FOREVER is real.
It's like Heavenly Father specifically prepared Jonathan to be my husband. Every experience, every hardship, every bit of growth that Jonathan has had in his life has shaped him into the person that I need. A person who is endlessly patient with me, doesn't see me as a burden or as broken, and only loves me more and more through every hardship.
And I know that Heavenly Father loves me, but that He loves me enough to hand-craft a spouse for me blows my mind.
I was thinking one night about the law of opposition and the concept of compensation. The law of opposition being that there is an opposition in all things. We can't be happy if we have never been sad. And the concept of compensation being that every trial that we go through will be compensated an hundredfold back in blessings.
I have been through some pretty gnarly trials. Let's say that I've been through level 5 billion trials between health problems, abuse, and felony. And Jonathan is the compensation for that. Which makes Jonathan a level 5 billion x 100 blessing.
What?!?!
THAT is pretty dang cool to me.
And he really is. He really is (at LEAST) a 5 billion x 100 blessing in my life. When I'm with him, I feel so safe, so comfortable, and so incredibly loved.
And that doesn't mean that the anxiety disappears completely when I'm with him. Because it doesn't.
When he came to visit for a week for us to get our engagement pictures taken and give the porn talk in choir, I ended up having major anxiety one night that resulted in him not being allowed to touch me for almost a good two hours. Not because of anything that he had done wrong. And keeping in mind that we hadn't seen each other in a month and wouldn't see each other again for another two (plus) months. We only had that one week together, and for two hours of it, he spent time with me without being able to touch me without causing my anxiety to spike.
And he didn't mind that. He wasn't upset that I wasn't "satisfying his need for physicality", which is how my ex always made me feel, resulting in sexual abuse. No, Jonathan was completely sweet and patient through the whole thing. Not even trying to hold my hand or anything without asking. And the times that I said that I wasn't ready for him to touch me yet, he was completely okay with that. And he looked for ways to comfort me that didn't involve touching me. Which can be kind of hard since most of the time when I'm sad or anxious, I really just need someone to hold me.
The amount of love that I felt coming from Jonathan during that time, though, was vast. My love for him grew so much in those couple of hours. In the midst of me feeling anxious.
And that's how I know that this is right. Because no matter what I'm feeling anxious about, Jonathan's presence is comforting to me. If I'm anxious about dating, the person that I'm dating is the one making me feel okay about it. If I'm anxious about physical touch, it's the person that I would usually be cuddling with that makes me feel better. That seems a bit paradoxical, but it's true with Jonathan.
And that's why all of this is coming together on Father's Day.
Because Father's Day is a day to reflect not only on your earthly father, but also your Heavenly Father, and on the important men in your life. And knowing that Jonathan is going to be the father of my children has made today really special for me in a way that it's never been before.
Because I can't imagine anyone else being my companion in life. Not only my husband, but my partner in parenthood. Underneath all of my fears about marriage and motherhood (because I'm SO excited to be a mom, but am also basically terrified), I honestly can't wait to see Jonathan be a dad. And not just A dad, but the dad of MY kids. I can't imagine traversing this crazy, tumultuous life with anyone else. Because I know that Jonathan is going to be right there by my side through every single trial, fear, and insecurity. I know that if anyone can help me to be the kind of mom that I want to be, it's him.
(There is so much that I could say about all of this future parenting stuff, but I won't because this is already long. I'm sure I'll end up writing about it later. Suffice it to say that since I struggle to take care of myself all the time, the thought of being responsible for a tiny baby human is scary. But as I sat in sacrament meeting today thinking about the Fatherly attributes of God, it was so easy for me to see those same attributes in Jonathan. And it made the prospect of being a mother even more exciting for me because I'm going to have the best dad at my side as well as my Father watching over me and my family. But I digress.)
My blog has focused so much on everything that happened to me that broke me and everything that I have gone through since to try to heal. And being with Jonathan has been the best thing that could ever have happened to me to help me in that healing process. I am able to be so much more because of him. Because God sent Jonathan to be my angel.
So on this weekend of my blog anniversary and mine and Jonathan's anniversary I just want to say that I will be forever grateful for all that my blog has done (and will continue to do) for me and all that Jonathan does for me (which is A LOT). And on this Father's Day, I want to give a shout out to my Heavenly Father who has been with me every single moment (and will continue to be there for me for every moment of the rest of my life), and for the man that He sent to be with me in all of those moments now too.
I literally could not ask for anyone better.
