For Those Who Know Part 3: Slack

We made it to Part 3 (AKA- the old Part 2). Hooray!

I've actually been really excited about this post because it's not nearly as heavy as my last post (which is another reason that writing that one was so difficult). No, this post is all about not being so freaking hard on yourself! This is my "cut yourself some slack for crying out loud" post.

Look. I know how it is. Your world has been turned upside-down, stomped on, and has shattered into approximately a bajillion pieces (my math skills are impressive, I know *brushes off shoulder*). This has left you pretty messed up, I'm not going to sugar-coat it.

I don't know about you, but I cried more in the first few months since my ex's arrest than I have in pretty much the rest of my life combined. And that's saying something, because I'm a pretty emotional person anyway. You can ask anyone that knows me and they will attest to that.

So let's look at those first months:

I sobbed at least once pretty much every day. I sobbed on friends, roommates, and sometimes even strangers. I struggled to eat regular meals and would take forever to motivate myself to eat anything at all a lot of the time. And when I did eat, I could hardly eat anything at all before I had to call it quits. I had nightmares constantly. Nightmares about being molested by faceless strangers, nightmares about being molested by people that I know, nightmares about seeing my ex and/or his family and not knowing what to do or how to react, etc.

I lost my job because I started to feel really sick ALL THE TIME. I have irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) which means that stress=sick. So crazy-felony-stress=all-the-nausea, all-the-time. It was all I could do to get out of bed and stay out of bed without feeling like passing out. I actually did almost pass out one day. I also stopped taking birth control since I was no longer going to get married, and my periods became absolutely horrendous. So on top of the nausea, light-headedness, headaches, and fatigue, I also got to add in a few days a month where I felt like I was legit dying.

I majorly struggled in social situations. My friends were super great at making sure that they kept inviting me to things, and I would try to go a lot of the time. But more often than not, I would leave after only about 15-20 minutes because I just couldn't people anymore and I felt really sad all of a sudden. So I would go home.

And I felt really sad all of a sudden ALL THE TIME. Just, out of the blue, for no particular reason. I could have been having a fantastic day and feeling relatively cheerful and then my emotions would just be like "Enough of that. Let's cry." And then there were triggers. I could be doing okay and then would be triggered by the smallest thing and would then feel off for the rest of the day and nothing seemed to be able to fully snap me out of it again.

I spent more time than I'd like to admit laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling.

That was my life for the few couple months of this year.

The next couple of months I improved a bit, but in those months anxiety attacks were added to the mix. My hands and sometimes my legs would get super shaky and would just be that way for long periods of time. During this time, I also had to say goodbye to the majority of my core support (because they either graduated or went home on their off-track), and had to move apartment complexes, meaning all new roommates, none of which had gone through the felony with me. Oh, and I tried to take some classes. That didn't go well and I ended up only taking 2 credits.

I still didn't have a regular job (though I was super blessed with a cleaning job and some babysitting jobs).

I started to sob all the time again. I felt much more alone. I started consistently staying up past 3 AM, trying to distract myself from sad, negative thoughts. Nightmares were still definitely a thing.

In many ways, it seemed like I was getting worse, not better.

And during those first sixish months, I had it in my head that I would get better and be fairly okay by Fall semester 2017 (so this semester). HA.

This semester I still randomly feel like crying sometimes (not as much for that little bit that I was in a relationship, but before and after). I still get triggered sometimes and start to feel really anxious. I still have nightmares and super struggle to get myself to bed because I really don't want to have nightmares. I still have times where I have a hard time eating three good meals a day. I still get pretty bad headaches and get dizzy all the time. I still don't always feel super up to being social (though I have improved a ton there) and have a hard time spending time with people that I don't already know.

But wait. It's been almost 11 months since my ex was arrested! Shouldn't I be better now?!

No.

Because I can't put a timeline on my healing (no matter how hard I try to at times...)

I talk about this in my post called The Prideful "Should," so I'm not going to get into that too much, but let me just say it again. There is no timeline for healing. So stop trying to make one.

One of the first things that I would ask doctors, therapists, or people who have had broken engagements is "So how long until I'll be okay? How long until I'm better?"

Unfortunately, emotional wounds aren't like physical wounds. No one can tell me "Keep your heart in that cast for a month and then come back in and we'll take it off. Then just start exercising it and it'll be good as new in a couple of months!"

It would be great if that's how that worked, but it's not.

I want so badly to just be healed already so that I can move on with my life. I want to be able to be a full-time student again and to hold a proper job again (I'm currently job searching, but am honestly kind of terrified of getting a job and then not being able to keep up with it. I've got a couple of promising options that I'm looking at though).

I want to be able to listen to whatever the heck I want without being triggered. I want to be able to sleep without nightmares, and actually be able to consistently get to bed at a decent time and then get up at a decent time of the morning and stay up.

I want to be able to do all of the things that used to be second nature but aren't anymore. Things that I never really had to think about before. Things that I took for granted that I could do so easily before.

And I will absolutely get there! But I don't know when and trying to set a date for when I'll "be fine" again only stresses me out even more.

And it's hard, because I'll have periods of time where I am doing a ton better! And it's like "Sweet! I'm finally making some progress!" And then whoosh I plummet again. It's like I take one step forward and then a dive-bomb off a cliff backward. And then the pain hurts with a renewed vigor because it's fresh again. Because the pain does kind of dull over time. Not that it goes away, but you kind of become numb to it a bit. And then you start to do better. And then you crash again and the whole process starts all over again with that terrible pain.

And because you started to feel better, then you feel crazy guilty for being down again. You feel like you're weak.

I feel straight-up pathetic more often than not. I feel like I'm just the biggest wreck. Like I'm barely keeping my head above water before being pushed back down to where I feel like I'm drowning again.

But I always resurface because I never succumb to drowning. I keep fighting my way back up.

And that's the thing. You feel so weak because you no longer seem capable of doing ordinary things without massive effort. It's like your drowning in a mere inch of water. But the fact that you are still even trying to function is nothing to turn your nose up at!

Let me share parts of a conversation between me and a friend who went through a traumatic abuse situation as well. I feel like I can't really write it out better here than what I said to her then.

Her: I was doing pretty good for two weeks and then last week was terrible and I cried nearly constantly and couldn’t function. I was so frustrated that my progress seemed to be going in the wrong direction!

Me: Let me tell you right now, it's completely okay that you are not okay. It's the worst feeling, but you're going to feel sad and broken and useless at times and you need to be accepting of that. What you have gone through is hell. What you ARE going through is hell. So it's completely okay for you to break down at times as long as you keep getting back up every single day and do your best. And sometimes your best might be hardly anything at all. And that's okay too.

Her: Thank you. Sometimes I feel guilty for not being ok. Someone told me the other day that happiness is a choice so I need to choose to be happy. I have tried that and I feel terrible about myself because the majority of the time it does not work. I cannot simply choose happiness all the time right now. And then I feel weak. So thank you for explaining that my emotions are normal. And that I’m not a failure for not being able to immediately use the atonement to fix my broken heart, and that it’s normal for me to be sad a lot.

Me: Oh hun, I still have breakdowns sometimes. Not nearly as often, and usually not nearly as bad as they used to be, but they still happen.  And that's okay. Happiness absolutely is a choice, but it's not a black and white choice between happiness and despair. It's choosing to FIND happiness in the midst of the despair. It's allowing yourself to laugh for a minute in between crying sessions.

You are absolutely not a failure, weak, or abnormal for feeling the way that you do right now. It literally is completely okay.

.........

It is SO easy to feel so helpless. But you have to remember that you literally have been through hell and that is not an easy trip. Think of it this way. If you had a friend that served in Afghanistan and saw his friends die, was imprisoned, etc. Would you expect him to just be fine and dandy when he got home? Probably not. 

You have been through your own war zone. I don't know your situation exactly of course, but I feel like I can probably relate. You have watched the man that you love die. You have lost him to the enemy and realized that you lost him a long time ago in all reality. You have felt a prisoner in your own [relationship]. You have felt the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. 

You and your soldier friend would be a lot more similar than you thought.

So please cut yourself some slack. This is NOT an easy path to be on. So it is 100% okay to not be fine right now. And it's okay if you're not fine tomorrow, or two weeks from now, or five months from now. The healing process is slow and gradual, but it IS happening. Heavenly Father really is there, taking every step of this long road with you. And you can be assured that Jesus Christ knows exactly how to help you to make it through this hour. This day. This week. This year. This trial. He knows because He has personally experienced it. He literally knows what YOUR unique broken heart feels like. He also knows of your incredible potential. And He will lead you, step by step, until you reach that potential. And you don't have to be okay to do good things. I'm not okay even still, but I have been able to help people throughout this whole thing. 

I hope that what I'm saying makes sense. Because the guilt is so real. I know it is. I still struggle against it at times. But I know that I'm doing what I can (even if I feel like I SHOULD be able to do so much more), and I know that Heavenly Father is so proud of me for my efforts, as small as they seem to be.

I need you all to know that if you are still working towards healing, then you are doing a great job. You are doing SO much better than you think. I know because I have talked to a lot of you. And you feel very broken right now. And you feel weak and like you don't know what to do. But I see you keep going on with your lives anyway. 

People look at me and tell me that I'm so strong. If you are one of those people, let me let you in on a (not so) secret. I don't feel strong at all. 

So if you can look at me and see strength, even though you know that I still cry lots and that I struggle constantly, then do me a huge favor and look in the mirror and see that same kind of strength in yourself. That which is so easy to see in others is so hard to find in yourself. I know. But just because it's hard to see, doesn't mean that it's not there.

Feeling sad, crying, struggling to do everyday tasks, etc. do not mean that you are not strong. You can be strong and cry. You can be strong and struggle. Really, these things prove that you ARE so strong because you keep right on going even when things are so hard! And like I said in Part 1, even if all you accomplish is getting out of bed and eating a bowl of cereal. That's still an accomplishment! And just because you don't accomplish much today, doesn't mean that that's it for you because there is always tomorrow! And the next day. And the next.

So please, please, PLEASE. Do me a ginormous favor and cut yourself some slack. As long as you are striving to move forward, you are totally okay if you're not okay. 

Don't push yourself so hard that you fall on your face. Be honest with yourself. If you are feeling anxious/sad/whatever, trying to plow over it is very rarely going to be successful. Own up to it instead. Take a minute to breathe. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and then gauge what you can and cannot viably handle right now. And if you can't handle much, don't beat yourself up about it! 

When I'm really struggling, I often will try to ignore it. But I've found that it does me a lot more good if I just admit it. Sometimes that means letting whoever I'm with know that I'm struggling. Sometimes it means biting the bullet and reaching out to someone for help or comfort, whether that be them coming over to hold me while I cry, play games with me, or not come over at all but just talk to me on the phone so that I can think about them for a while instead of myself. 

Sometimes it means giving myself a break to read or watch a video before finishing working on something. Sometimes it simply means that I need to stop and take some deep breaths so that I don't subconsciously start hyperventilating. 

Whatever the case may be, I always feel a lot better after facing my emotions head on than ever I do when I try to shove them under the rug.

I don't know when I'll be "better." I don't know when I'll be healed. And that sucks and I hate it, but that's just how it is. But I still won't quit. Not ever. I'm going to keep doing my best to open my heart and mind to God, keep seeking support from my friends (even if I feel bad about it at times), and keep seeking the professional help that I need as well. 

A friend sent this article for me to read after I had talked to his wife about being sad about my recent break up. I just wanted to share a little snippet (and then you should click on the link and read the rest ;) )

For months I prayed for instructions on how I could stop hurting and what I needed to do—in other words, how I could have more control over what was happening. I knew I was responsible for how I reacted to my trials, but I wanted to be responsible for more than my behavior. I also wanted to control the pain. Many attempts to decide that I was all better only set me up for disappointment and a feeling of failure when I stumbled upon additional hard days.

I hate to tell you this, but you can't decide how and when your healing will happen. And you won't ever heal if you're caught up with an impossible deadline. That only adds more stress and more reasons to feel down. 

So don't set a date for your healing. Set goals. Figure out what you want to be able to accomplish next and work towards that. Take your life one step at a time. Worry about today and leave tomorrow for tomorrow. 

And remember that while you definitely should be doing your best to heal, driving yourself too hard will only wear you down further. So take a step back, take a nice, deep breath, and cut yourself some dang slack! You truly are incredible.

(To be continued...)

PS- Read this right now: Drops of Awesome

The title sounds funny, but my second trainer on my mission showed this to me and it's changed my life. 

Every. Single. Little. thing that you do is worth something. Don't you ever forget that.

It Actually IS Possible to Be Grateful in EVERY Circumstance

I have a journal with this quote on it and I just love it!

So I've been feeling all day like I needed to write a post for Thanksgiving. But... it's Thanksgiving, so I've been spending time with people and stuffing my face and whatnot, so I'm writing it just after Thanksgiving instead (although I started writing it before it was over!).

And honestly, I hate to say it, but I've been having a rough week and so the thought of writing a post about gratitude didn't sound super appealing. But really, it is because I'm having a rough week that this will be even easier to write I think.

You see, I've been through a lot of pretty tough crap in my life. And because of that, I have learned to be SO grateful for pretty much everything.

I remember an episode of the show American Dragon: Jake Long that I watched YEARS ago. I hardly remember anything about the show, but I have always remembered this one particular episode. There are two girls in it, twins I think, and they're cursed. They both can see the future, but one only sees the good, happy things of the future, and the other one only sees the bad things that will happen.

It was really interesting to me that the one that only sees good things was super depressing and negative, while the one who only saw bad things was super cheery. That has stuck with me for who knows how long now (the last episode aired 10 years ago, so there you go).

Because you see, if nothing bad ever happens to you, then it is only too easy to get stuck in a rut of dissatisfaction. Everything is good, so you need something better. And better. And better. And nothing is enough.

But when bad things DO happen, you become so much more grateful for what good you DO have in your life, because you know what it's like to not have it.

I went on three pioneer treks when I was a Young Woman (for those who don't know what that is, it's basically where we dress like pioneers and for three days we pull handcarts and live like they did. Except that we had port-a-potties). I remember that when I came home from my first trek when I was 14, my prayers got real specific.

I'm grateful for running water, and beds, and pavement, and cars, and that I don't have to wear bloomers, and electricity, etc

Those few days of living even a teensy bit like the pioneers did showed me that I had SO much to be grateful for that I had not been paying attention to.

Now let me tell you, it really can be so hard to feel grateful at times.

My amazing boyfriend that I've written about broke up with me on Sunday. Now don't hate on him at all, because he did it in the kindest, most considerate way that he possibly could. The last thing that he's ever wanted to do was hurt me, because he really does care about me a great deal. But he felt like we needed to break up, so he did.

Needless to say, this week has been really rough for me. I've cried lots, felt sick quite a bit, and have struggled with eating and sleeping. I also have to be careful about the music I listen to again and am apt to be triggered by the smallest things. Which is something that hasn't really been an issue since we started dating over a month ago.

It's been hard to feel overly grateful for anything while I've been feeling so miserable. But I actually do have SO much to be grateful for!

First of all, I am extremely grateful for my (recent) ex. I'm grateful for the short time that we had together because it taught me three very important things.

1- He helped me see that I am still capable of being SO happy. I had honestly started to think that I would never feel truly happy ever again. I was too sad, too broken, too... PTSD-y. But he showed me that it absolutely still is possible for me.

2- He showed me that it actually is possible for someone to want to be with me, not just someday, but now. I've felt like no one would ever love me until I was "fixed." I felt like I needed to figure out how to heal properly before anyone would even give me a chance. But he showed me that that's not necessarily true.

3- He taught me that there really are good guys out there. There really are guys that see the gospel standards the same way that I do. There really are guys that won't push me past my limits in any capacity.

Beyond my ex himself, this week I am so very grateful for my friends and family members that have reached out to me as I've begun to fight being sucked down into depression again. I'm super grateful for my friend Madi and her family for having me over this week for Thanksgiving. And for the guy that drove me 9 hours to get here and then refused to accept any kind of payment. I'm grateful for funny memes and card games that help keep my mind off of things. And that I already have playlists made on my Spotify that are free of songs that would trigger my PTSD.

I am grateful for my amazing choir director who told me "There's nothing that I can say right now to make you feel better. Right now, you just need to be sad." Because while I am extremely grateful to know that things are going to get better and that everything will work together for my good and such, telling me that doesn't really make my feelings feel better.

You see, I have this problem where something always has to be going wrong. I became SUPER happy when I started dating my ex. So, naturally, I ended up being sick for most of our relationship. Three weeks with a cold-turned-bronchitis-and-sinus-infection, and then a week of the flu.

I can't be both happy AND healthy at the same time. And now that I've started to feel a bit healthier physically, the break up happened. It seems that there always has to be something.

And that is really depressing honestly. It's like, I feel like "Of COURSE things didn't work out between us. He was pretty much everything that I've always wanted. He was everything right about all that was wrong with my ex. He was too perfect. It was too good to be true."

I often have a hard time believing that anything will go right for me for very long because that's always how it's gone before. My life is just a disaster waiting to happen it seems. I have brief moments of joy followed by long, agonizing periods of distress.

Which is completely awful, I know. I shouldn't be like that. But that really is how I feel much of the time.

Elder Scott says it perfectly in one of my all-time favorite talks:

Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.

But I tell you what; because that always seems to be the case, I have learned to be crazy grateful for all of the good that I DO have in my life. I have learned to cherish all that I have in the moments that ARE going well, and to recognize the blessings that are there in the times that are not.

I absolutely LIVE for those happy moments in my life. Throughout my whole relationship with my ex, not a day went by where I didn't just feel so grateful to have him in my life. Because I know very clearly that not all relationships go as wonderfully as ours did (even if it was only for a short time). You could ask him and he would tell you that I was constantly letting him know that I appreciate him.

And the thing is, just as I know that everything will get worse during those periods of joy in my life, I really do know that everything will get better during the difficult times as well.

Having short periods of things going well followed by a great fall helps me to truly savor all of the good in my life. I sometimes feel like the girl who only has bad visions. I have had so many difficult times in my life that it has made the good in my life stick out to me so much more. I'm more grateful for my friends. I'm more grateful for days that I don't feel sick. I'm more grateful for little tender mercies. I think that you get the picture.

I really think that tender mercies are little pockets of joy that Heavenly Father slips into our times of trial. And I 100%  believe that loved ones are angels that He sends to us to help lift us up when we are feeling low.

I've been thinking a lot about something that I wrote in one of my very first blog posts. I'm going to be that person and quote myself:

Let's look at my situation:

With my fiance all of a sudden in jail and everything that I thought that I knew all of a sudden a lie, I think that most people would say that there was nothing to be grateful for [the night of his arrest].

They would be wrong.

I was grateful that all of this came to light before I was married to the guy. I was grateful for the detective that gave me a hug when I asked for one because I was home alone when they came and told me that my fiance is the one that had hidden cameras in my apartment. I was grateful for my amazing, supportive roommates when they got back and I told them. I was grateful for my apartment manager's support. I was grateful to be in a place where I could easily ask for and receive a priesthood blessing. I was SO very grateful for my married friends that came to pick me up and let me stay the night even though they had no idea what was wrong, only that something was. I was grateful that I managed to sleep at all that night and that I didn't have nightmares (though I've had plenty since).

And then going beyond that night, I have been grateful for all of the millions of people that have reached out- and continue to reach out -to me over the last few months. I'm grateful for the virtual strangers who have held me while I've cried because all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by it all again. I'm grateful for my family for their love and support. I'm grateful for my old bosses who really, truly tried to work with me, even though I eventually had to be let go. I'm grateful for my friends who make sure that I eat sometimes, and the people who have bought me groceries. I'm grateful for the doctor that I've been working with. I'm grateful for the rides that I've been given. I'm grateful for my friends for not making me feel worse than I already did for leaving a game night after being there for only a few minutes because I simply couldn't handle it at the moment. I'm grateful for my guy friends who happily left their warm cozy beds at 11:30 at night because I just needed a boy hug.

I really believe that it is during our most difficult times that the blessings from the Lord are most apparent. But only if you're looking. I know people who wouldn't be acknowledging any of the blessings that I have.

But I'm not them. I have a tender mercies journal next to my bed and I have never had as much to write in it as I have during these last few months.

I wrote that almost exactly five months ago. And you want to know what's crazy? I'm STILL so grateful for all of those things. And I'm amazed that five months later (and about 11 months since my ex fiance's arrest), I'm STILL receiving so much love and support. I'm amazed that my friends are still willing to drop everything at the a moment's notice to give me a blessing, or let me cry all over them, or whatever.

So yeah. Life is hard. And sometimes, it REALLY sucks. But I can tell you that there is always something to be grateful for.

The light of God's love that is so apparent during your happiest, brightest days is still there during your hardest, darkest ones. Only it is seen shining through the moon and stars instead of the sun. And that makes the light all the more radiant and beautiful to me.

There are ALWAYS going to be bad times. It is only too easy to find negative things in your life. But here's a secret that Satan doesn't want you to know. There are ALWAYS going to be good times in your life too! And there are generally even more positive things to find in your life than there are negative in any given moment. You only have to be looking for them. Satan wants to blind us to all of the good that is there because he does NOT want us to be happy. So feel free to find the blessings and throw it in his face that you're happy anyway.

To end, I just wanted to share the caption of the Life As I See It Facebook page cover photo:

Stars are my favorite because they show the magnificent beauty that can be found in the darkest places if we only choose to look up. <3

It really is during the darkest nights, in the darkest places, that stars are the most apparent. And it is in the darkest places in our lives that the hand of God is most apparent. So never stop looking up. God is so good and He loves you SO much. He is constantly showering you with blessings, you simply have to learn to recognize them. There is always so much to be grateful for, no matter your circumstances. I really, truly believe that with all my heart.

So today I am grateful for so, so much. I'm grateful for Madi and her family. I'm grateful for delicious food. I'm grateful for Marvel movies. I'm grateful for my ex. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my friends who have invited me over for Christmas since I'll no longer be spending it with my ex and his family. I'm grateful for my friend that texted me while I was writing this to tell me that I'm amazing.

I'm grateful for the gospel and the blessings that it brings. I'm grateful to know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves and knows me perfectly and who knows what is best for me SO much better than I do. I'm grateful for opposition in all things, because it helps me to be grateful. I'm grateful to have a Savior who knows exactly how I feel during my lowest times.

I'm especially grateful for all of the amazing things that I have learned during the worst moments of my life, and the Holy Ghost for helping me to learn them. The lessons learned and the blessings received really are worth the pain and suffering, even if it doesn't always feel like it. (As President Eyring puts it: Our trials and our difficulties give us the opportunity to learn and grow, and they may even change our very nature. If we can turn to the Savior in our extremity, our souls can be polished as we endure.)

And, finally, I'm grateful to all of you who read my blog, for supporting me and cheering me on as I keep on keeping on through this excruciating time in my life. I appreciate you all more than you could ever know.

Happy Yesterday Was Thanksgiving Everyone! You're amazing and don't you forget it! <3

Grateful in Any Circumstances

For Those Who Know Part 2: Not Your Fault

So I sat down to write Part 2 and immediately felt kind of stuck. Which is weird because I feel like I'm supposed to start writing it right now. So I said a prayer and then started writing. As I wrote, I realized that Heavenly Father needed Part 2 to be something that I hadn't outlined for this series. Something that is extremely difficult for me to think/write about. I couldn't help but think "Do I really have to Heavenly Father? How do I even put this into words? How do I explain the breakdown of my very being?" But I really feel that I need to write this post, no matter how hard it is.

So now the old Part 2 is the new Part 3. I'm already on the verge of tears and am just getting started, but here we go.

So Parts 2 and 3 are SO important because I think that this is what really gets us down a lot of the time.

Guilt.

We feel guilty for SO many reasons.

Why did I stay for so long? Why couldn't I make things better? Why wasn't I good enough? Why is it so hard to stop loving him? Why did I allow him to hurt me?  Why am I so weak? Why can't I just bounce back now that he's not hurting me anymore? Why is it taking so long to recover? Why can't I do what I used to be able to?

Why? Why? Why?!

What I'm going to focus on in this post is in regards to the first half of the "why's" while the next post will focus on the latter.

Let me start right off the bat with this:

This is not your fault.

To those who don't know, this may seem fairly obvious. But for those who know, this post will probably hit you as hard when you read it as it is hitting me as I write it.

What happened with your significant other is not your fault. Whether it was abuse or being cheated on (or likely both), it was not- and is not -your fault.

Nothing that you did (or didn't do) made it so that you deserved to be abused. NOTHING. He didn't abuse you because you weren't good enough. He didn't abuse you because you did something wrong.

Even if you had done something wrong, nothing justifies abuse. If you did something wrong, then he should have either worked it out with you or broken up with you. Those are the only two acceptable options.

Notice that abusing you isn't one of them!

I don't know why we do this to ourselves, but we are so easily able to convince ourselves that if something is wrong, it must be us.

It's the old adage, "It's not you, it's me."

He's not happy? It's because I'm not making him happy. He doesn't seem to be being satisfied physically? It's because I'm not pretty enough, capable enough, sexy enough. He seems dissatisfied with me? How I do things? How I don't do other things? He's right. I'm wrong. I'm not good enough but for some reason he's decided to grace me with his presence a little bit longer.

If he does leave, it's my fault. It's my fault for not being enough. It doesn't matter that I am doing the absolute best that I can. It doesn't matter that I give 100% to this relationship. It doesn't matter that I have essentially sold my soul to him. My life, my love, my being; they're all his. But it's still not enough. Because I am not enough.

Holy Hannah people! STOP.

I'm in a place now where I know in my head that none of this has been my fault. But in the moment, I absolutely felt that I was to blame. I essentially felt like I deserved to be abused. Especially because I didn't realize that abuse is what was happening.

Even now that I know that I was being abused- and not only that, but that there is absolutely no justification for how I was treated -it is still hard not to feel that way at times. It's still hard for me to slough off the layers of anxiety, self-worthlessness, and submission.

I've kind of skirted around this in past posts, but a huge issue between me and my ex was physicality.

Dating and physicality were still fairly new territory for me when my ex and I started dating and got engaged. Because of this, I was still kind of learning what I felt like was and was not okay. I had read For the Strength of Youth and had a vague idea of what was kosher and what wasn't, but there is room for interpretation. What is passionate kissing exactly? As far as I could tell, kissing by itself was okay, but passionate kissing was not. So what qualified as passionate? I didn't really know. I wanted to do what was right, but wasn't really sure what was and wasn't exactly.

Over time, as my ex and I would kiss and such, I started to develop an idea of what I felt was and was not okay to do. But when I brought those ideas up with my ex, he thought that I was being irrational. He felt that I was being way too strict. And he did not like that. By this time, we were already engaged.

This became the first thing that we really severely disagreed on. Our conversations about it left me confused and frustrated. I wanted to satisfy his physical needs (because it seemed so important to him), but I wanted to do what was right even more.

And so we would discuss it over and over and over again. And every time, I could tell that my ex was really upset by my viewpoint. He would take it very personally that I was not okay with doing certain things. And as the discussion would roll around again, he would have more "reasons" why doing what he wanted to do was totally okay. He would throw more and more "reasons" at me every time and I would try to dispute them every time. But I gradually weakened. I started to (not really) believe his excuses for doing one thing or another and the boundaries that I had drawn so tightly around myself kept getting loosened more and more.

Besides discussions about boundaries and what it meant to keep the law of chastity, there was also the practical application that was an issue. I would set boundaries. He would begrudgingly agree to them. And then he would cross them. And I would re-set boundaries. And he would re-agree. And he would re-cross them. Over and over again. And I was always the one stopping things. I was always the one that wanted to re-establish the boundaries that had been broken (yet again).

And over time it kind of became this mind game for me as I tried to solve the paradox of both keeping the law of chastity and keeping my fiance.

He made me feel so stupid for feeling the way that I did. He made it seem like I was being completely irrational. And I started to believe him. Sort of. Because we would do things and I would feel completely awful both during and after. I wasn't enjoying any of it. Physically? Sure it felt good. But it wasn't enough to cover the discomfort and guilt that I felt. But again, he would make me feel like I was overreacting. I didn't feel bad because what we were doing was wrong, I felt bad because I was dumb. Not that he ever called me stupid. He didn't have to use so many words for me to know that that's how he felt.

Generally, the only time that I could stop him without him getting too upset would be if my body got too excited. I felt much more justified in pushing him away when it seemed so clear that things were going too far. It got to the point where I would even try to speed up the process of my body feeling that way so that I could push him away sooner without him getting upset at me for pushing him away. Definitely not the best way to go about doing things, but in the moment, I didn't know what else to do.

Other times I would just lay there pretty much lifeless while he did whatever it was at the moment. I would try to just not feel anything at all. Just wait it out until he loses stamina. He didn't like that though. It wasn't enough that he got to do what he wanted, I had to be enjoying it too. But I never did.

As things with physicality got worse and worse, my self-esteem plummeted. Physicality was the only thing that seemed to make him happy anymore. I, myself, didn't make him happy anymore. No longer did he seem to feel like I was the best person ever. No longer did spending with me, talking to me, being with me bring him joy. Only physicality did that. But even that wasn't good enough because I fought what he wanted. I broke over and over again, but I still fought in whatever way I could. So even if he got what he wanted, he knew that I hated it, that I was riddled with guilt and shame, and so it wasn't enough. I became a body to him rather than a person.

And some part of him knew that what he wanted, what he kept pressuring to do or submit to, was wrong. So then when he did manage to push me to do something, it was MY fault for not being strong enough to resist his desires. And then there was this back and forth of it being my fault that he wasn't happy because I wouldn't do what he wanted, and it being my fault if I did make him happy because I should have been strong enough to not break under his pressure.

I can honestly tell you that this was hell for me. Despite feeling inadequate and guilty constantly, I loved my ex deeply. All I wanted was to make the man that I loved happy. But whether I made him happy in any given moment or not, there was still something to feel awful about. I either felt awful for not making him happy or for making him happy in a way that felt so terribly wrong to me.

I'm not going to tell you all that we did and did not do. Suffice it to say that we didn't have sex in any of its forms. But you don't have to have full-on sex to break the law of chastity (or- more accurately -to break yourself against the law of chastity). My tightly drawn boundaries had been stretched and strained and eventually became limp and worn.

And the thought that this agony was his doing didn't really cross my mind. It was my fault. It was my fault for not being good enough to make him happy without blurring lines. It was my fault for not being strong enough not to blur those lines in order to bring him satisfaction.

Oh how I hate the word satisfied. Never again do I want to "satisfy" someone. I want someone to love me, really love me, for me. Being satisfied isn't feeling love for the person. It's feeling love for what you get from them. For him, being satisfied was loving my body WAY more than he ever loved me.

The reason that I'm sharing the darkest time of my life with you is because- even though our situations are different -I want you to see that I know the power that an abuser can have over your mind and your heart. I understand the twisted "logic" that is thrown at you and that you are conditioned to believe.

It's hard for me believe that it is not my fault that the abuse got as bad as it did. I claim full responsibility for my own sins and I have taken the steps that were necessary for me to repent of them. But I was being manipulated and abused. And while the sins are the same, that really does make a world of difference. Because I did fight. I fought every single day. But my mind and my heart were warped by abuse. The person that I really was was swallowed up by the person that he wanted me to be.

The real Anna became smaller and smaller and smaller over time. She was cowering in the face of dissatisfaction. Not only concerning physicality though. Oh no, every aspect of my life was subject to disappointment from my ex. Every little weakness in me was exploited; brought to light and magnified. He didn't love me "flaws and all." Rather he tolerated me and what he decided that my flaws were.

Oftentimes those "flaws" were things that I had seen as strengths in myself. And so the real me was eaten away, bit by bit. And nothing about me was satisfactory. It all had to go. I needed to be better. I didn't know how to do that, but it sure didn't stop me from trying! My ex slowly but surely stripped away everything good about me. He could somehow seem sweet and loving while gently leading me into my own personal hell. He still often had the mask of the man that I fell in love with on, and he used it to break me down piece by piece until I was reduced to almost nothing.

Why didn't I stop and think "If he really loved me, he wouldn't make me feel like the most insignificant piece of his life that he merely tolerates being in his presence"?

I wish that I had known then what I know now. His unhappiness was not my fault. It was his fault and it was Satan's fault.

He hurt me because I didn't measure up to insurmountable expectations and desires. Not because I actually was inferior or somehow deserved his derision, but because he wanted me to fill unrealistic and thoroughly unreasonable demands.

So despite my own decisions throughout the months of abuse, I still need to remember that none of this is "my fault." It's not because I never, ever would have done the things that I did of my own volition. It's not that I made a conscious decision each day to be abused. I never looked at my ex and told him "You're not hurting me enough, please up your game."

No, I did not consciously condone what he was doing to me. I did in my actions, but never because it was what I wanted to do. It wasn't a concrete, conscious decision, and that is why I cannot be blamed for his actions. Do I still feel like much of what happened was my fault? Of course. But is it really? No.

Please know that you are never not good enough for someone. Whether a relationship ends on a good note (well, as good of a note as a relationship can end on) or a relationship ends (or continues for far too long) on a bad note, I assure you that it's not because you were (or are) somehow insufficient.

Some people just aren't meant to be. Not because there is anything wrong with either of them, but because it simply isn't right.

Other people will never find a satisfactory partner because their perception of love is twisted beyond recognition. Those are the people who either seek to make you feel inadequate so that they can train you to bow to their every desire, or who hop from person to person because they will never be contented.

Whatever the case. It is not your fault.

You did not deserve to be abused. Not for a single moment.

And it is not your fault that you were abused. It's not your fault for not realizing that you were being abused. It's also not your fault if the abuse continued even after you did realize that something was wrong.

It is not because you were not strong enough to fight it off. It is not because you weren't good enough. It is not because of you at all.

Their choices were theirs. They chose to hurt you. They chose to continually hurt you.

Looking back and thinking "If only I had been better. If only I had recognized that there was something off before things got bad. If only I had left sooner." is not productive. Wondering what would have happened if you had made more of an effort to get your SO to get help is fruitless.

My ex actually did seek professional help. He went to counseling, doctors, and our bishop at the time. He seemed to improve immensely. I say "seemed" because I know now that something was still severely off with him. If it hadn't been, then he wouldn't have hidden cameras, satisfying his desires through a lens rather than through pressuring me.

I have wondered so many times if my ex wouldn't have committed a felony if only I had recognized that he wasn't actually getting better. I have felt the weight of his decisions on my shoulders. And that isn't fair to me. I never would have imagined that my ex would commit a felony against me. Even after all of the abuse, I would never have believed it possible of him. Especially when things did seem to get so much better.

No matter how I spin it in my mind, it is not my fault. Because his decisions are his own. Should I have recognized signs? Maybe. But does that mean that I am responsible for his felony? Does it mean that I am responsible for his previous abuse? NO.

And the same goes for you.

What happened happened and there is nothing that you can do about it now. And whether or not someone becomes abusive over time is not your responsibility. It is theirs.

Please, please, please remember that.

You were not overreacting. You were not insufficient. You were not to blame then- and still are not to blame -for their hurtful decisions. Only they can be held responsible for putting themselves far above you. That was never how love was supposed to work, and it still is not.

You absolutely are enough. You really, truly are.

It is NOT you. It is him.

(To be continued...)

PS- I really hope that all of that made sense. I literally had to take a couple of days before editing this post because it was so emotionally draining for me to write. I still feel like I haven't properly conveyed what the abuse mindset is really like. The love mixed with guilt and fear. The feelings of inadequacy. The way someone can seem so sweet most of the time and yet still make you feel like the scum of the earth. And the way that that makes you feel like you deserve it all because you come to believe them. The complete illogical line of thinking, feeling, and reasoning that becomes the norm for you.

I hope that I was able to do it some sort of justice.

PPS- If you are in a situation anything like mine, please know that the feeling of immense joy that came when I was able to take the sacrament for the first time honestly outweighed the joy of falling in love and being loved in return. There really is so much more out there for you than an abusive relationship. There are guys out there that are actually good guys. And Heavenly Father is there watching you and He does NOT want you to be with someone who degrades you. It doesn't matter how great they are sometimes, love doesn't make you lose yourself. Love loves you for who you already are.

For Those Who Know Part 1: Dear You,

So I had an experience this past week that has spurred this post. I got a message from someone that I don't know too well, but that I've always really admired. She's gorgeous, talented, and just all-around amazing.

Her message started like this:

Hey! So I know you are super busy and tons of women probably talk to you about stuff. But I wanted to talk to you if you have time.

(Let me just say right here that I never, EVER want anyone to feel like they can't come to me. First of all, I'm really not that busy at the moment, and even if I was, there is always, always, always time to love and support another person. So please don't hesitate.)

She then went on to tell me her story. Hers is a story that is not mine to tell, just as the stories of many other women who have reached out to me are not mine to tell. But it is hers to share and she shared it with me.

I was shocked. First of all by all that she has gone through, but also mostly shocked that she came to ME. This incredible girl that I've always looked up to so much came to ME for advice and help. It's still blowing my mind a bit.

My heart has been breaking all week for this girl because, while our experiences are very different, I  know where she is right now in so many ways. And so I have talked to her and tried my best to tell her all that I can think of that she needs to hear right now. Things that I know that she needs to hear because I needed to hear them.

But at the beginning of all of this crazy journey that I've been on this year, there was no one to tell me. At least, not anyone who really knew what I was going through.

But I can be that person for her. I am the one who knows. The one who knows how she is feeling because I have felt it. Because I am still feeling what she is feeling in so many ways. I can be the one who she can believe when I tell her things because she knows that I know how she feels because I have felt, and am feeling, those things.

I've spent this week thinking a lot about the things that I could say to her and I have relayed as much as I could to her through messenger, letter, and Skype. After she read my letter to her, she sent me this:

Oh man. So many things to say. The first is thank you. Thank you for caring for me in a way no one really else has been able to. Thanks for giving me the exact advice I need.

So now I want to turn all of this over to you; my readers. I want to be that person for you too. So this post is for all of you who know what it's like to be SO betrayed by the one you love. Who know what abuse feels like. Who know the effect that it has on your very being. Who know because you have, are going through, or just got out of being abused.

This is for those who know.

This is going to be another series because I've found that there is SO much that I want to say to you. (And for those of you who don't "know", this is a good way to find better understanding of those who are struggling with these things right now)

I'm going to start by sharing an edited version of the letter that I sent to that wonderful girl that I've been talking about. The other parts of this series will go more in-depth on some of the things that I talk about here, but I wanted to just start out with this blanket letter before I elaborate.

Obviously this letter was written for a specific person in a specific circumstance, but we're going to pretend that that letter is addressed to you and yours.

Dear Insert Name Here,

First off, I want to address the divorcee issue. I can’t fully understand what you are going through because I didn’t actually get married. But I can understand to an extent at least and I also know of other women that I know that were in similar situations to you where they ended up getting divorced.

So here we go. If someone writes you off because you’re divorced, it really is their loss, not yours. Dating has been TERRIFYING for me. Who in the world would want to date me when I’m such a mess? Who in the world would want to date me with all of my baggage? Who in the world would want to date me when they find out about everything that happened?

And the thing is, it is very possible that I could have tried to date guys that ended up writing me off for any of those reasons. And I hate to say it, but it’s very possible that you will be interested in some guys that will end up writing you off because you are divorced. But ______, those are not the types of guys that you want to be with anyway!

There really are guys out there who will see you for who you are. They will see that you are beautiful, and strong, and faithful and they will be in awe of you. They won’t see you as broken, or tainted, or weak. Even if that’s how you may see yourself at times.

Again, I’m not sure which of my blog posts that you’ve read, but you may know that I am actually currently in a relationship. It completely caught me by surprise in all honesty. Others that I’ve talked to that have had broken engagements or have been divorced have always told me that getting back into dating is rough. When I would ask how long they think that it would take for me to feel even a little bit comfortable with the idea of dating again, they would tell me that there isn’t a timeline. You won’t feel ready until the right guy comes along that give you the courage to try again.

And that’s what happened to me. Up until a little over a month ago, I felt like I wasn’t going to feel ready to date for another 50 years. Even after 8 months, the thought of dating was still terrifying. And all of my insecurities and self-doubt ate away at me constantly. Even if I did feel comfortable with dating, who in the world would want to date me?! Although I am not a divorcee, I still have felt taboo. There are so many other girls out there that are whole. They haven’t been broken like I have. No one will want me when they could have them.

But my friend became my best friend. And now he’s my boyfriend. And I could not even begin to tell you how that happened exactly. But it did. And he genuinely wants to be with me. He sees my struggles and he looks past them into my heart. He sees all of the good in me that I struggle to recognize amidst all of the weaknesses that are so clear to me.

There is going to be a guy for you. There will be. And he is going to be something really special.

Stepping away from dating, there will probably be others who will judge you as well because you are (will be) divorced. They are the same people who are judgmental of missionaries who come home early or anyone that lives the gospel the teensiest bit differently than they do. Their judgments are on them, not you. I’m not saying that this is going to be easy, but you need to know that while there are going to be those people who judge, there will also be those who look past the labels and see you. And they will accept. And they will love and support.

There are people that think that I’m delusional, an idiot, brainwashed, etc. And that sucks. And it doesn’t feel good. And luckily they’re generally not directly telling me those things, so they’re easier for me to ignore. But even if there are people who treat you differently because of your divorce, you still will have to learn to brush them off. Treat everyone with kindness and just move right along with your life.

Okay, now going back to dealing with everyday life right now. Yes. This is one of the hardest things that you have ever gone through. But you will make it through. And you’re not going to have any idea how you did it. But really, you know how. You’re going to make it through each and every day with the help of the Lord.

I’ve had this picture in my head of my Heavenly Father sitting up there, looking down on me, just heartbroken. He hates watching me go through so much pain and anguish. But He knows that He can’t simply wave His hand and make it all disappear. That would frustrate the Plan of Salvation. So instead, He sends me every single little tender mercy that He can to simply keep me going for the next few minutes, or hour, or week. And so this time has still been excruciating, but I have been able to continue on because I have the Almighty God on my side. And you have Him on your side too.

One of my biggest pieces of advice for you right now would be to worry about right now. Don’t worry about what you are doing later today or later in the week. Don’t worry about finding your eternal companion. Right now, worry about making it through the next few hours. Rather than searching for the strength and the revelation to make it through the rest of this year, simply find the strength to make it through the rest of today. My mantra has kind of become “One day at a time.” It’s easy to feel completely overwhelmed with thoughts of the future, but you won’t get anywhere if you don’t get through today.

I’ve had days where the only thing that I accomplished was getting out of bed to eat a single meal. And that had to be a victory for the day. I got out of bed. That shouldn’t have been so hard, but it was. Things that came so easily, so naturally to me before are all of a sudden extremely difficult. I lost my job, I haven’t been able to take full classes (or hardly any classes for that matter), and sometimes daily things like eating three meals or getting to bed before 6 AM are real struggles. But not because I am less of a person than I was when those things were second nature.

The person that did all of those things so easily wasn’t going through hell. But I have been. It’s like expecting yourself to be able to run a mile just as quickly with a 100 lb. backpack on as you do when you have no extra weight on you at all.

And yeah, there are going to be days where you seem to do a ton better! Sometimes there will be entire weeks where you seem to be getting back to where you were. And then the next thing you know, you’ve hit another slump. A quote that I have come to love SO much says “Healing is not linear.” I’ve had my times where it seemed like I was finally getting better, only to be completely slammed down again. And it’s the worst feeling. But if you can recognize now that that’s how it’s going to be, you might be able to cut yourself a little bit more slack.

Healing takes time, and lots of it. And that’s frustrating. But let me tell you something. This road to healing that you’re on is definitely going to be bumpy. There absolutely will be plenty of ups and downs and rough patches. But through this process, you are going to be made strong. And you are going to be made capable of doing things that you never would have dreamed would be possible for you.

I never would have imagined that I’d be able to help people like I have. Especially not in the middle of one of the toughest trials that I have ever faced. But here I am. The idea that someone as awesome as you is coming to me for advice seems insane to me! I’ve never felt capable of making a meaningful difference in someone’s life. I was never a leader in my mission, I didn’t even really get to train. I’ve never been the president of anything or picked first for anything. I’ve always felt mediocre. But because of my biggest stumbling block, I have been transformed into someone who actually can make an impact. I’m only who I am right now- I am only able to be any kind of support for you right now -because I have been broken.

Last thing:

This is probably the harshest truth that I have to give you. You are no longer responsible for (Abuser).

I have an idea of how you must feel right now. You love (_____). You want the best for him. You want him to fully repent and rehabilitate and live a really happy life someday. And that is so wonderful! But. Your place in his life is pretty much over. It is no longer up to you to make sure that he is okay. It is no longer up to you to be there for him in every moment, every hardship. And that sucks.

But know that (_____) is not going through this alone. I don’t know what kind of support he has from friends and family, but I know for certain that he is not alone. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want his happiness just as much as they want yours. They love him just as much as they love you. Not only do they also want (_____) to repent and rehabilitate and live a happy, righteous life, but They also have the means to help him to do so.

It is time for you to leave him in Their hands. Because They want YOU to be able to heal and rehabilitate and live a happy life as well. They don’t want you to be burdened down by (_____)’s agency any longer. They want to ensure that you are loved and supported. And (______) lost the privilege of being there to help with that. Not only that, but he abused that privilege. And so just as much as he can no longer be there for you in every moment, you need to learn to let go of him as well.

I know that this sounds so harsh. So awful. I know because I hate it. I really was in love with my ex. Even after he hurt me so badly and so deeply, I wanted to just throw my arms around him in a huge hug and tell him that everything was going to be okay. And having to tell myself that I can’t do that for him anymore has been excruciating. But what happens to him now is no longer my responsibility at all. I have had to have the faith that Heavenly Father is ensuring that he is given his best chance to make it through this. My ex’s well-being really doesn’t hinge on me. It hangs on God instead.

Heavenly Father wants me to be able to move on with my life, and I can’t do that if I’m wrapped up in my ex. The last thing that I want to do is hurt him and or/hurt his chances of recovering. But what he does with his life and his recovery are ultimately up to him. And accepting that is not at all easy, but it is true.

I don’t know if any of this is really making sense, so I’m going to end here.

I love you girl. I know that I don’t know you well at all, but I have always admired you so much. And that admiration has not dimmed in the least because I know that you are feeling really low right now.

Everything is going to be okay. Maybe not today or anytime in the near future, but it will be. And in the meantime, there is so much good to be found, even now.

Love,

Annaliese Kretchman

(To be continued...)

Dating After Being Abused Part 3: The Upside

We've made it to Part 3. Oddly enough, this is the first one that I wrote. And I wrote this one a couple of weeks ago. The other two I wrote last week, but I wrote them in the opposite order. So I wrote 3, then 2, THEN 1. Because I wasn't planning on this being part of a series. And Detoxidating was also supposed to be a stand-alone post. But then I realized that there was so much to say concerning dating after being abused, and so my first multi-part post was born. Anyway, just a fun fact. Let's get to the actual post, shall we?

It's really easy for me to see the downsides to dating, or even being friends with, me.

One- because I'm still clawing out of the abuse mindset that makes me feel like I'm not worth caring about, and two- because I'm still clawing out of the abusive situation, which means that there is more about me right now that's difficult. But I already covered those in Parts 1 and 2, so I won't be talking about that today. I'm going to reiterate some points, but all in all, today I'm going to talk about something that I actually think is wonderful about dating, or being friends with, a survivor.

Appreciation.

I never thought that I would date somebody who didn't have the same ideas about the law of chastity as I did. I took it for granted that whoever I dated would be on the same page as me when it came to standards.

I was wrong.

I never thought that I would fall in love with someone, only for them to let the mask drop to show the cruelty hiding underneath. I took it for granted that if I fell in love with someone and he fell in love with me, then everything would be fine. Maybe not sunshine and daisies all the time, but that the man that I fell in love with would continue to BE the man that I fell in love with.

I was wrong there too.

I never thought that I would ever be with someone who would have the ability to strip away every good thing about me, leaving me feeling worthless, and like I would never, ever be enough. I took it for granted that being in a relationship would only build me up.

I was oh so very wrong.

I think that you get the picture.

No one goes into a relationship thinking "Welp, this is going to end horribly." I mean, we know that there's the possibility that things won't work about and we'll break up, but we don't fall for people and choose to be with them because we love the way they make us feel like crap.

But that's the thing, we don't. We fall for people who make us happy and choose to be with them because we feel like our lives are better with them in it. And they are!... at the beginning at least. But then we're blindsided. (Not always, but for the sake of the example.)

I never in a million years would have thought that my ex was capable of hurting me so deeply. Of getting under my skin and reducing me to a frantic mess whose life goal was to somehow, some way, satisfy him even though I knew that I never, ever could. But that's exactly what happened.

And that sucks.

("And the understatement of the year award goes to....")

But here's the thing. I know better now. I know now that some guys/girls have the power to destroy you, but it's hidden behind a mask. And because I know that, yes, I am definitely more wary, but I also am much, much more appreciative of genuinely good people.

Sorry-not-sorry to talk more about my boyfriend, I know it's probably getting old. But I appreciate my boyfriend more and more every single day. I appreciate that a month into our relationship, he still wants to be my boyfriend. I appreciate that he constantly assures me that I'm good enough as I am right now. I appreciate that he supports me in my endeavors.

But what I probably appreciate the most are all of the little things that are totally natural for him. Things that he sees as givens. Things that I used to see as givens that I now see as tremendous blessings.

Tyler sees it as a given that we follow the chastity standards in the For Strength of Youth booklet. He sees it as a given that he is patient and supportive of me. There are so many things that he does and  thinks that are second nature to him, but that I have learned are not second nature to everyone. He sometimes seems surprised by the reactions of awe and appreciation that I give to the things that he assumes are givens in life and in relationships. But I've had to fight for them before. And I lost those battles over and over again.

Tyler cannot fully comprehend that he is everything right about everything that was so wrong with my last relationship. To him, all of this is just what he does. To me, it's everything that I always thought that I would have, and then didn't.

Now that I have what I always thought that I would, I do my best not to take it (or him) for granted for one single moment.

And that is the beautiful thing about being a survivor. I have seen so much of the bad that the world has to offer, and because of that, I appreciate the good SO much more.

I actually meant to publish this post earlier today, but now I'm glad that I didn't because a friend of mine sent me an article within the last hour that perfectly describes what I'm talking about here.

The most beautiful lesson I learned after I got broken is that you can actually love even if you’re broken. In fact, you love more intensely and beautifully than another person who has never been broken. You hold onto love so tightly and you feel everything with a thrill three times bigger.

And I hope that that never stops. I hope that I will always appreciate every little thing that my boyfriend/fiance/husband ever does for me. Because they're important. And I hope that I never cease to be amazed that he doesn't do the things that I never thought someone would do to me in the first place, but happened all the same. I hope that I get used to it in the sense that I'm not constantly waiting for a shift, for the mask to fall, the other shoe to drop. And I hope that the fear will fade away, but never the appreciation. Because having a good man/woman in your life is an enormous blessing. And to me, it's a freaking miracle.

I have no idea where this relationship will go. I hope for the best of course, which is what you should do with any relationship, but I have no clue if we'll go anywhere. And you know what? That is perfectly okay with me right now. Because even if things don't work out between us, I've learned something important. I'm not the only one that views certain things as givens. There really are good men out there that won't hurt me. There really will be someone that will always strive to lift me up, never seek to tear me down.

And that, my friends, is something to be grateful for.

I tell you what, if you are friends with or dating someone that has been in a toxic relationship, know that everything that you do means the world to them. As I finished re-reading the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time a few months ago, this line from Deathly Hallows really stood out to me:

He wanted to tell them what that meant to him, but he simply could not find words important enough.

Taking a step away from dating; this whole experience has helped me to appreciate everyone in my life so much more. Every time you stop in to say hi, leave a note, tell me that you want to hang out and then actually set a time to do it, hug me, make me food, say something nice about me, play with my hair, send me something funny, support me, uplift me, love me; I am overwhelmed by how much you care. Many people this year have told me that I'm easy to love, but it's been proven to me way too many times that that isn't always true. And that makes their words mean the whole wide world to me.

And for those who did have trouble loving me at first, but then came to love me, you have probably proven to me more than anyone that I'm lovable. Because with past friendships, and especially with my relationship with my ex, I became less valuable over time, not more.

There really are no words important enough to describe how full my heart is when I think of all of you. You don't give a second thought to what you do most of the time, but I do. I think about it all the time and I feel so blessed. You are truly incredible. Please know that the good that you do so readily, so automatically, does not go unnoticed, nor does it go unappreciated.

You know, I never realized how many people truly care about me until my world fell apart completely. In the very time of my life that I was left feeling the most worthless, broken, and weak, you have reminded me that I am SO much more than the handful of jagged shards that I see. You have loved me when I have felt the least deserving of that love. You have loved me when I have felt that there is very little left for you to love. You have loved me into realizing that I am, in fact, absolutely worth loving. And believe me, I do not take that for granted, even if you do.

So if you have a somebody in your life that treats you well, cares for you, works with you, is honest with you, I want you to look at them. Really look at them. Look at all of the little mundane things that they do for you. Look at the ways that they support and encourage you.

Try to recognize that what you have is so precious. Not everyone has what you have, and not only that, but some have the opposite of what you have. And I tell you what, I'd rather not have anyone at all than have the opposite ever again. The opposite takes you for granted, always. The opposite is what you never expected (and certainly never wanted), but what you ended up with over time. The opposite brings much more pain in the end than they ever brought joy.

So do me huge a favor. If you have the former, do not take them for granted. Not for a single moment of a single day for the rest of your life. Because I sure don't plan on taking anyone, or anything, for granted ever again.

I know better now.

Dating After Being Abused Part 2: Detoxidating

*I want to preface this by saying again that I have no idea where my relationship with my boyfriend is going to go, so don't assume by my talking about him that we're on the brink of marriage or anything. I write about him because I write about what I am experiencing as a survivor of abuse. That's what my blog is all about. Showing you how I see things based on what is actually happening in my real life. I actually feel kind of bad that the poor dear keeps getting dragged into my blog. He's such a trooper.*

Okay, so here's part two. Here's where I really talk about what dating is like after being abused.

It's rough man.

Not because my boyfriend is anything less than fantastic. Not because he has done anything wrong. On the contrary, he has done everything right! But it's still rough because I'm still in abusive-relationship mode.

I've been reflecting a lot on our relationship and how I have been feeling/reacting towards being back in a relationship. And the other night I was thinking about the term "toxic relationship."

I pulled up the handy Webster Dictionary app on my phone and looked up the word "toxic." I mean, obviously I know that it means, but I wanted to see the exact wording. I'm going to talk about a few different definitions that I found:

#1- "Extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful."

#2- "Containing or being poisonous material especially when capable of causing... serious debilitation."

#3- "Relating to or being an asset that has lost so much value that it cannot be sold on the market."

Synonyms: Envenomed, poison, poisoned, poisonous, venomous

So let's start with numbers 1 and 2.

Dating a toxic person is dating someone who is harmful and capable of seriously debilitating you. There are various types of "poison" that these types of people may administer, or different methods of abuse. I would imagine that each case of abuse is different for everyone. For example, mental/emotional abuse is sometimes manifested in direct insults and sometimes shouting. But it also may manifest itself in silence, where no words are necessary in order for the victim to feel the cold disappointment emanating from the one that they love.

Regardless of the type of poison, the results are the same. The victim is left with some measure of toxicity in their system.

If you think about it in terms of a snake bite, the type and size of snake determine both how severe of an injury the bite is, as well as how long it will take for the body to completely flush away all poison and properly recover.

The recovery time for abuse will be different depending on the type of abuse, how long the abuse went on for, etc. And the flushing out of poison will take time in this case too.

This is why dating is so rough.

Tyler was out of town for most of last week (last week when I first started writing this post that it). He was out hunting with his family, and so he didn't have service or WiFi. So from Tuesday to maybe Saturday, I had no contact with him. That doesn't sound like a long time, but it was ample time for my anxiety to have a field day.

He's going to realize that he likes his life a lot better when I'm not a part of it. That I'm not all that I was cracked up to be and that I'm not actually worth all of the mental and physical health problems after all. He's probably trying to think of the best way to break it to me that he's not actually that into me anymore and would rather just be friends. I can't blame him. I don't deserve him. The good in me doesn't really outweigh the bad. I knew it.

Whew.

Luckily, I was dying for most of the week with bronchitis and a sinus infection, so I spent most of the week sleeping, which didn't leave me a ton of time to let those lovely fears ruminate. But they were definitely still there. And they overwhelmed me on Friday and Saturday.

Logically, I knew that I was being completely irrational. But tell my heart and overactive imagination that.

This brings us to that last definition. Because I have been "intoxicated" by abuse, I feel that I'm not good enough to be a viable option in the dating market.

I can't seem to get this picture of a scale out my head. One side holds all of the good things about me. The other side holds the baggage. I keep thinking Yes, there are good things about me, but do they REALLY outweigh all of the bad? Doubt it.

The problem is, even though everything has been going super well with Tyler, I can't get the previous abuse out of my head. Because everything went really well at the beginning of my last relationship too! And then I was poisoned by degrees. By the time that I realized what was happening, it was too late. I was caught in a relationship where I was always wrong and always to blame. Where I would never be good enough. I would never satisfy him.

And so now Tyler is seeing just how much poison is still left in me. I'm doing my best to dispel it, but it is seeping out ever so slowly.

I apologize. A lot. I didn't used to, but now I do because I can't break the habit. "I'm sorry that I'm weak sometimes. I'm sorry that I have emotions. I'm sorry that I have health problems. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Tyler always tells me that I don't have to apologize. I don't have to apologize for being human. A mere mortal.

But I keep doing it because I did have to apologize before. How dare I have emotions? How dare I have wants and needs? How dare I ever have a differing opinion?

Everything was my fault. I had to prove that I could be better. That I could let go of myself and become a robot for my ex to program to fit his needs and desires.

How sick is that?

I still have that caliber of poison in my system. The abuse mindset sure is hard to flush out.

And so I treat our relationship very differently than Tyler does. I feel overwhelmed by the possibility of things being like they were before, that I'm jumping to prevent them before I really need to. I'm not in love with Tyler as of yet and I have no clue if we're going to get married and I'm totally okay with that. I feel like our relationship is in a good, stable place, and want to take as much time as we need to figure things out. And yet I still feel this intense need to be accepted by, and close to, his family. Do I really need to worry about that right now? Not really. But am I? Absolutely.

Because I felt that I wasn't good enough for my ex, I certainly wasn't good enough for his family either. I didn't feel like I fit in and that bothered me a lot. And that makes a little bit more sense since we were engaged and these people were for sure going to be come my actual family. But I don't know that with Tyler. And so I really shouldn't be worrying about it, but I'm still paranoid.

Fix it. Fix it before it's broken. Fix yourself before he realizes that anything is a problem in the first place.

It goes back to the ideas from "Words Fail" in the last post. Pretend that you're better than you are. Don't be yourself, be better. "You" has never been good enough, so be something else.

The poison takes away all rationality. Let's face it, I already had a problem with over-analyzing everything. Now that's gone into hyper drive.

Tyler treats me well and has never done anything to make me feel like I'm not good enough. And yet I still feel like I have to prove to him in every moment that I am, in fact, good enough to be with him. Unfortunately, this means that I have become afraid. Not of him, but of losing him like I lost my ex. I'm afraid to be stressed out or sad around him. I'm afraid to show weakness of any kind or an inability to take care of myself. I'm freaking terrified of pushing him away. Only show the good and maybe it'll outweigh the bad.

Where I would easily call/text Tyler when I was having a rough day before we started dating, now I'm am often afraid to do so. Don't let him see that the toxicity levels are still so high. He doesn't want to deal with your self-esteem issues. Show him that you are worth being with, that you are worth loving. Don't push him away. Don't push another person away with your imperfections. They left because you didn't measure up. You have to measure up.

Again, two of the biggest reasons that I fell in love with my ex were because 1- I didn't feel like he would ever abandon me like so many friends/love interests had before. And 2- I could talk to him about anything and everything. I just knew that he would love me even after I told him about the things that I struggle with and the weaknesses that I have. He would still love me despite my shortcomings and baggage. He would love me just as much on a day that I was feeling down (whether emotionally or physically because I was sick), as he would on a day where I felt like I could conquer anything.

But as time went on, those reasons became inaccurate.

And because of that, poor Tyler is dating the poisoned version of me who is so afraid of him abandoning me as a hopeless case, damaged goods, incapable of recovery, that I struggle to always reach out to him when I should. I struggle to show any sign of weakness (although he's already seen it all!) because in my mind, every moment of weakness is another little nudge away from me.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had fallen in love with Tyler when I wasn't poisoned. Because he has shown me that things aren't always like they were. He has shown me how I should have been treated from the beginning. He treats me so well, and yet I am still afraid.

And I fight every day to quell those fears. I constantly remind myself that Tyler is not my ex and that even if things don't work out between us, it doesn't mean that I'm not good enough. I also have to remind myself that Tyler won't ever hurt me like my ex did. He will never make me feel worthless. He will never touch me in ways that I'm not comfortable with. He will never pressure me to break the law of chastity, making me feel like that's the only way that I can satisfy him. The only thing that makes me worth keeping around. He will never make me choose between him and the Lord. He will never see me as a body first, person second.

I know that Tyler will not break down everything good about me, leaving me feeling tainted and at times like I am broken beyond repair.

I tell myself that I can't keep treating my wonderful relationship with Tyler the same way that I treated my abusive relationship with my ex. I shouldn't have treated my relationship with my ex the way that I did in the first place. Allowing myself to be stripped of all self-worth. Being guided by the fear of forever being inadequate. But I was at the point where I no longer had control. It was like I was a marionette and my ex held the strings. My will was swallowed up in his. All that I had and all that I was was his for the taking.

The poison had muddied my mind and weakened me mind, body, and soul.

The memory of that mindset, of how completely lost I was, is extremely hard to dispel.

It doesn't matter that Tyler is completely amazing. It doesn't matter that he is so patient, and kind, and compassionate. It doesn't matter because I'm still suffering from the effects of poison. I'm struggling to expel the toxic sludge from my system so that I can not only know in my head that Tyler is not my ex, but also in my heart. Things aren't the same, so I need to learn to stop treating them like they are. And I'm working on it. I really am.

But sometimes I wish that I could speed up the detox a bit. Because then it would be easier to simply enjoy being in a relationship with a good man.

The thing is, it is so hard for me to remember that I'm not a victim anymore. I'm a survivor. Tyler sees that in me. Now I just need to believe it myself.

(To be continued...)

Dating After Being Abused Part 1: Backstory

So I wrote a blog post about dating a survivor of abuse already. I wrote it when my boyfriend and I first started dating a month ago because he was already showing me that he was capable of dating me despite my PTSD.

Now that we've been dating for a month, I want to tell you how dating feels for me, as a survivor.

In order for this to make sense though, I need to give you some backstory, hence the title of this post. I have a lot to say about what I’ve been thinking about recently, so I decided to split this topic into three segments. I'll post parts two and three over the next couple of days probably. Part 2 will talk about the hardest part about dating after being in an abusive relationship, and Part 3 will actually talk about a perk! So bear with me, it will get better in the end.

But anyway, here we go.

I’ve had self-esteem issues for a very long time. I think that it started to get especially bad when I moved up into middle school. I really struggled to make friends in middle school whereas I had had a pretty solid group of friends when I “graduated” elementary school.

High school was no better. I felt unimportant, unwanted, and quite thoroughly miserable through most of it. I felt like I wasn’t pretty enough, talented enough, funny enough, smart enough, fill-in-the-blank enough to be worthy of people’s friendships. In short, I wasn't enough.

By my senior year, I finally had a pretty solid group of friends. Friends that I could go to football games with (to cheer on the band more than the team, our team kind of sucked… Haha), have sleepovers with, etc. It was so great! I finally started to feel like I maybe belonged somewhere! But then partway through the year, my friends just kind of, I don't know, faded away. They never said anything mean to me or outright rejected me, but they did stop talking to me much or inviting me to do things with them. I started to feel again like I wasn’t good enough after all.

Throughout my high school years, there was also a boy that I really liked. And he even seemed to like me back for a while! But as I became more comfortable talking to him, I started to become more honest about my self-esteem, my worries, and my weaknesses (including mental and physical health problems). And so he backed away as well.

Eventually I got to the point where any time I became friends with someone, I was just waiting for them to leave me too. It had happened over and over again throughout my life, so of course it would only keep happening. Because my friendships always started out great! We’d have lots of fun and they would see me as a cheerful, energetic girl.

But as time went on, the closeness that we had developed would start to unravel as they learned that I wasn’t always happy-go-lucky. As they realized that sometimes I would be really sad. And that I was sick an awful lot. And they would realize that they didn’t like me nearly as much as they thought. And so they would vanish too.

I tried to hide my weaknesses. I tried to pretend that everything was fine and convince myself and them that I was worth keeping around. I tried so hard. I tried to the point where I was miserable because I was so paranoid about making sure that my friends were happy and that I was not in the way of their happiness in even the smallest way. But despite my efforts, the "truth" would always come out. I wasn't good enough. And there they would go. Just like everyone else before them.

This pattern left me feeling like no one truly cared about me and no one ever would. I also got to the point where I felt like anyone that DID spend time with me must only be doing it out of pity.

After my mission, I lived with my sister in Virginia for about five months before heading up to college. For the first time since my family had moved away from Maryland, I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. I had two jobs, two callings in church, and (most significantly) I actually had friends. And not only friends, but there were actually guys that were interested in me. ME!

You have to understand that before my mission, I had been on all of three dates in my life. I’ve never even had a date to a dance. I went to both my senior homecoming and senior prom with my friend Bridget.

To be fair, there wasn’t a ton of competition in my teensy YSA branch. The guys had already tried dating the few girls that were there, so I was “fresh meat.” But even still. I was amazed that not only did I have friends, but I also had dates. (It was actually super overwhelming for me as a newly returned missionary with zero dating experience. I would have been perfectly okay for the moment if I had continued to be undesirable to the opposite gender. Hahahaha).

But I digress. The point is, I actually felt attractive and like people genuinely wanted to be around me for the first time in a VERY long time. I finally felt like I was home and it felt SO good. But it was only for five months, and then I had to leave and start all over, yet again. Idaho would be the fifth state that I would live in in the last five years. I had already started over quite a few times.

Going to college honestly low-key terrified me. I had finally found a place where I felt like I belonged. Where I felt like I was important to those around me. I was not excited to leave that. I was also just really nervous about being in school again as I hadn’t been in any kind of school for about three years by that point.

My first two semesters in college were kind of rough. I did well in my classes, which was great! But I was back to feeling like I was unimportant. It wasn’t that I felt like everyone hated me or anything. I knew that there were people that I could call upon if I needed help. There are lots of wonderful people here in Rexburg that care about people a lot. And I appreciate that. But I didn’t feel like anyone cared particularly about me. No one ever thought of me when they were bored or making plans and thought “I should see what Anna’s up to!” No one ever asked how I was doing. People cared about me because they’re good people, but it didn’t seem like people cared about me because they particularly liked me.

This left me feeling extremely lonely, and I started to feel worthless again. I wasn’t good enough to grab anyone’s particular attention. Maybe if I was just smarter, or prettier, or funnier, or more talented. Maybe then I would be worthy of anyone’s attention and friendship.

It was during my second semester, in the midst of me sinking deeper and deeper into myself, that I became best friends with my ex. It was SO nice to have someone that I just knew actually cared about me and wanted to spend time with me. I wasn’t at all attracted to him at first, which actually made being friends with him a lot easier. Eventually though, I did end up falling in love with him.

I think that the two main reasons that I fell in love with him are 1- I could talk to him about anything and everything and 2- I wasn’t afraid that he was going to leave me. And that second one was a HUGE deal for me. Because I always feel like people are going to leave. It’s happened so much in my life. But my ex had seen me when I’d been really low. He knew about my medical problems and the weaknesses that I saw in myself. And yet he still seemed to think that I was the most amazing person that he’d ever met. Being with him made me start to believe that maybe I actually was worthwhile. And I fell in love with the man who made me feel that way.

And things went great for the first 6ish months. We got engaged and I’d never been happier. But after we’d been engaged for almost two months, something changed in my ex. He just seemed grumpy all the time. And then the mental, emotional, and sexual abuse began.

It was happening again. I wasn’t good enough for him. I did everything that I possibly could to BE good enough. To be worthy of his love. I again started to feel like I wasn’t valuable. I started to fear that he would leave me after all. Just like everyone else, he seemed to have realized that I wasn’t worth keeping around after all. He made me feel more worthless than I had in a long time. And yet I stayed. Because this was the pattern. People would come into my life, be my friend for a little while, and then they would leave.

I couldn’t let that happen again. If I just could be a little bit better. If I could only prove to myself and him that I really was worth keeping! Man oh man. I was messed up. My past experiences combined with the manipulation of my ex twisted me into something that I shudder to think back on.

The sexual abuse finally became too much for me and we broke things off. But then he started working with our bishop, getting counseling, etc. He started to seem like the person that I had fallen in love with in the first place. He started treating me like I was wonderful again. And so I gave him a second chance. We got re-engaged. I was still a little bit afraid of him because of what had happened in the past, but things seemed to have become so much better!

And then he was arrested. And I learned that I still wasn’t good enough for him. He loved my body more than he loved me.

But this time I knew. It wasn’t my fault. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough. I was more than good enough, but he didn’t see it. He didn’t treat me as something valuable, something to be cherished. He saw me as a possession. A means of obtaining sexual pleasure. He went from sexually abusing me myself to hiding cameras so that he could fulfill his sexual desires by himself with my image. I was a body to be used, not a person to be loved.

And so another relationship went down the drain. But this time was different than all of the previous times. This time it was very clear that I wasn’t the problem. But that doesn't mean that the feelings of inadequacy that he brought back during the time of abuse haven't all come flooding back.

I want to finish off Part 1 with some lyrics from the song "Words Fail" from Dear Evan Hansen:

I'd rather pretend I'm something better than
These broken parts
Pretend I'm something other than
This mess that I am
'Cause then I don't have to look at it
And no one gets to look at it
No, no one can really see

'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake
Before I even turn the key
Before I make the mistake
Before I lead with the worst of me
I never let them see the worst of me

'Cause what if everyone saw?
What if everyone knew?
Would they like what they saw?
Or would they hate it too?

(To be continued...)