Keeping the Spirit of Christ All Year Round

December and January are rough months for me. My ex's birthday is in December, he re-proposed in December, which means that he recorded me in the bathroom for the first time in December, and he was arrested and my world turned upside down in January.

What helps the most during this time period is Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas. I love the lights, the excitement, and I especially love how everyone seems to be a little bit kinder to each other during Christmas time.

But is seems that as soon as Christmas is over, when we all go into couch potato mode until New Years, I get hit with an extra dose of depression and anxiety.

I've been thinking a lot about one of my favorite Christmas/winter songs called the December Song (this version in particular). 

This is the first chunk of the song:

In December,

We give our gifts

Wishing well to our world,

Peace on Earth to everyone.

A time to be joyful

When all is calm and all is bright

But why?

Does it change with the seasons?

And why can't we just hold on?

To silent nights,

Holy nights and angels singing lullabies,

And Heaven and nature, singing good will to all...

To all...

Especially with how difficult this time of year is, I know that I need Christ more than ever. But it can be hard to feel Him as society's collective focus on Him starts to slip away as quickly as the discounted Christmas candy.

I know that every day can't be like Christmas. Normal life has to continue on. The lights will come down and the excitement will fade. But I do wish that the spirit of Christmas, the Spirit of Christ, would linger more throughout the year. That that extra kindness that permeates December would continue and even grow.

And honestly, if that is going to happen, then we need to do more to remember and honor Christ's life, not only His birth. We need to make a greater effort to come to know Christ, to follow Him, emulate Him, and live His teachings. We need to study His words, consider His actions and inactions, and then do our best to do as He would do.

We need to not only make sure that people aren't alone on the holidays, but that they also feel loved on a Tuesday. We need to not only smile and wish well to our cashiers as we buy gifts, but also as we buy our weekly groceries. We need to Light the World through every month and season. Because as we do so, our own lives can feel a little bit brighter too.

My son has a Bible quiet book that we bring to church with us. He sometimes pulls it out throughout the week, wanting to play with it. Usually he just immediately pulls off anything with Velcro and throws it to the floor, but for the last week or so, he has seemed drawn to the baby Jesus. He takes him out and carries him around. He put Him on our dog's back one day. Another day he took him over to the window to show Him the outside. And I noticed that when he took the little felt baby out of the manger, he talked to it in the same sweet voice that he uses when he talks to the pets.

Of all of the things in that little book, the little Jesus is the only one that I've seen him act that way towards. 

I hope that his sweet enthusiasm for Christ continues throughout his life.

It certainly showed me that even a child that can't yet speak can bear testimony of Christ. And that Christ is already a part of his life, even at such a young age.

Can we all do our best to not only keep Christ in Christmas, but to keep Him in our every day lives?

Christ doesn't only think of us on our birthdays, but every day of our lives. He is with us- loving us, serving us -in every moment.

When the lights come down, the lights within us should burn that much brighter. When the excitement fades, the more steady, consistent pleasure that comes from serving others can replace it. The joys of the Christmas season can continue throughout the year if we treat each and every day like a day to celebrate Christ.

Happy New Year everyone! May we all resolve to carry the Spirit of Christ from December to January and on through the rest of the year.

From a book of daily spiritual thoughts from
Russell M. Nelson that a sister
missionary gave me last year

Another version of the quote from above

Waiting for Hope to Return

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine that's struggling asked our friend group if we could start sending him inspirational/hopeful things, so we made another group chat specifically for that. Today, one of my other friends that is in that group chat sent this:

Alright friends, real talk. What do you do if you don’t have hope?

To which people started sending some nice messages, songs that have helped them, etc. And I could have done that too.

But I didn't.

This is what I sent back:

This is a lot less inspiring, but for me, sometimes I just have to keep going until the hope comes back.

Of course I pray and try to reach out to friends and such. And I have SO many sleep playlists and I listen to my Sunday playlist more because it's not so triggering.

But with all of that, I still feel hopeless sometimes. And when that's the case, I sob out prayers out loud and then just do my best to keep going until hope comes.

Depression/anxiety medication is also a must for me personally. I'm basically non-functional without it, though I hope to not need it someday.

And I have lots of playlists and picture quotes and scriptures and talks that I could share and will eventually, but honestly, the older I get, the more I realize that most of us have heard the same advice/words of encouragement over and over again for our whole lives and it's wonderful but also sometimes the very last thing that you want to hear.

It is absolutely true that God loves me, that things can and will get better someday, that I have people who care about me and are willing to help, and that all of my trials will be for my good. But knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling alone, hopeless, and worthless at times. And people reminding me of those things doesn't magically take away the pain. If anything it makes me feel guilty for not having more faith. But the thing is, I do have faith. I do believe in all of those good things. In my head. My heart? That is a different story. I can have faith while struggling to have hope.

Knowing those things is absolutely what helps keep me going, but not necessarily in the way that I think that we expect it to. It doesn't make me feel peace and joy when I'm in the pits. What it does do is give me the tiniest thread to cling to. It helps me to keep wading in the depths because I know in my mind that if I just keep going, hope will return someday. 

I ended up playing Codenames online with my family and that friend tonight, and when everyone was signing off of the video call, it ended up being me and the friend left. So before he could end the call, I asked him how he was doing.

And then we just talked. And I didn't spout platitudes and try to convince him that things aren't as bad as they seem. I told him that I get what he's feeling. I've been feeling depressed quite a bit lately and just really down on myself. I talked to him about some of my own struggles, and we went back and forth relating to each other about this or that. We laughed in the midst of sharing our woes. And yeah, we talked a little bit about moving forward, but mostly we just chatted. I made him watch the library card song from Arthur. We talked about Anastasia the Broadway production and how Bartok and Rasputin aren't in it and I got In the Dark of the Night stuck in my head (which replaced the library card song that had been running through it). We played Dominion online against a computer named Lord Rattington that made us thing of Rattigan from The Great Mouse Detective. 

And by the end of it all, we both felt a lot better.

I think that we sometimes make helping people harder than it has to be.

Here's the thing; I will absolutely remind you that you are a child of God and that there is purpose to our lives, no matter what point we are at in them. I will certainly send you playlists of soothing music and my favorite talks. But I'll also send you memes and silly videos and talk to you about random stuff. And I'll validate you feeling hopeless.

Not because I want you to feel that way, but because I have been there and often AM there. And when I am, I might not want to listen to a new playlist or have the ability to focus to read a talk. I might be tired of being told the same helpful things. I might have prayed all night for peace and still struggled to sleep and had nightmares. 

Sometimes I just want to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and that I don't have to feel like I don't have enough faith if I feel this way. I want to laugh about stupid things and play games because it gets my mind out of the darkness for just long enough to remind me why I'm still going.

I was joking with some other friends at church the other day about how it was so hard to make friends as a kid, but now I'm just like "Hey! I'm depressed, you should come over sometime" and the other person be like "Hey! I, too, am depressed and could use some company too!" 

Obviously that's not how I became friends with those people in the first place, but still. And well, actually, that kind of is how I became friends with one of them at least, but I'm not going to get into that right now.

All I'm really trying to say here is that words of hope are definitely important and needed. But it's just as important and needed to recognize that those words alone might not be as helpful as you might think. It's okay to say "Everything will turn out okay, but I know that knowing that doesn't help you feel happy all of a sudden. I'm sorry that you are feeling this right now. I get it."

I've expressed in past posts that I feel like the reason that my testimony has remained strong through all of the horrible things that I've lived through is because I have had so many moments in my life where it literally felt like Christ was all that I had. I couldn't see Him or feel His love, but I knew that He was there and that was just enough to keep me going just a little bit longer.

And I stand by that.

I still have many a night where things feel hopeless. And it's all that I can do to just make it through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. But I do make it through them and I keep making it through them because I know that hope will return. And knowing that doesn't feel hopeful, but it is just enough.

So if you are in a period where hope is hard to find, please know that it is okay to simply live, or even just simply survive, for a little bit until it comes back. Because it will.

It always does if you just hold on a little bit longer.

I know that dandelions are weeds,
but honestly, one of my favorite things
about spring is when the green grass
gets spotted with yellow dandelions.
It's just so happy looking to me.

Something inspiring about finding
 beauty in weeds

Just look at them being all bright and happy
even though people hate them!

PS- There are a bit more inspiring things that I would love to write about hope someday, but I felt like this was more needed right at this moment. Just... being relatable I guess.

PPS- As I was looking for pictures to put at the top of this post, I stumbled upon this article that fit in perfectly with what I'm trying to say. I recommend reading the whole thing, though I will warn you that there is a bit of language. 

Here are a couple of excerpts that really hit the nail on the head for me:

Hope is not thinking positive thoughts. Hope is not self-delusion. Hope is clinging to the life raft and kicking, even when there is no sight of land. Hope is a muscle. Like most muscles, it hurts like hell at first, but it gets easier as you get stronger, and you get stronger the more routine, seemingly pointless work you put into it. It is possible. It’s not easy. It takes the sort of work, every day, of doing what needs to be done to care for yourself, your community, your society, even when you resent having to do so and would rather lie down for five minutes or five months or the rest of your life. That’s hope. It’s not a mood. It’s an action. It’s behaving as if there might be a future even when that seems patently ridiculous....

...It means not listening to the semirational sliver of your brain that believes staying in bed drinking liquid ice cream is the better option. And eventually—maybe soon, probably not—things change. Eventually, probably not today, you feel better, or different. That’s what hope is. That’s it. That’s all. It’s [bull crap] and necessary and anyone can do it. You’re welcome.

Last PS, promise- A different friend sent me this article yesterday and it also really spoke to me, so maybe it will to you too! Again, there is a little bit of language, just so you know

Blowing Bubbles for God

*Now that I'm a mom, I'm trying to figure out the best way to write this public blog without overexposing my child. I'm not quite sure how I want to do this yet, so please bear with me as I might try different things in different posts moving forward*

Last Sunday I bore my testimony and I wanted to share on here what I shared at church.

Last weekend I was outside with my 1 1/2 year old son blowing bubbles. He wanted to try, so I gave him the bubble wand. For the next ten minutes or so, I watched him poke through the holes with his fingers, blow on the wand like it was a harmonica, another time like it was a flute, poke through the holes with his lips as he tried to blow through it, and eventually manage to get a few bubbles out by waving it around just the right way and then even by blowing just a teensy bit farther away from the wand.

In between each attempt he would dip dip dip the bubble wand back into the bottle to get more bubble solution on the wand.

I laughed at his attempts, but also was proud of him for trying for so long. 

He still hasn't quite figured out how it all works, but that's okay.

As I sat there watching him, I had the tiniest thought that I should bear my testimony the next day about watching my son blow bubbles. I thought about how much he has learned in his short life so far and how every single thing that is so easy for me has taken him a ton of trial and error, bumps and bruises, and lots and lots of messes. 

And then I thought about how we were put onto this earth to become like God. And about how God has had LOTS of time to perfect being God. We can't even begin to comprehend His timetable. And if I can look at my son's progress and laugh and be proud of every effort, then I think that it's a safe bet that our Heavenly Parents do the same.

They don't expect us to become perfect without mistakes and messes. And They watch our every effort with smiles and pride in Their eyes.

I think that sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves for not being who we want to be. Like, it took most of us over a year to get to a place in life where we could figure out how to use a fork, so why in the world do we expect much more complicated things to come to us without trying again and again?

It didn't seem to bother my son that in 10+ minutes of trying, he got a sum total of maybe 5 bubbles out of it. And it didn't bother me either. 

So maybe it's okay if we're still waving our bubble wands around and playing it like a flute. Maybe it's okay if after years of working to become like Christ, we are still making mistakes. I think that it's okay to be proud of any bubbles that we make, no matter how long it takes to make them because we know that we haven't given up.

Someday my son will be able to blow bubbles without a second thought.

And someday we will be able to live the gospel more naturally too.

Someday we will return to live with our Parents, having become like Them, and every stumble along the way will have been worth it.

We just have to keep dip dip dipping the bubble wand until we get there.

Personal, Spiritual Growth Talk

I was asked to share the talk that I gave in church today, so figured I'd go ahead and just copy and paste it into my blog. 

I was asked to speak on personal growth from a spiritual aspect. I'm back living in the ward that I grew up in from 12 years old until I served my mission, so many of the people here have watched me grow in all of the ways. 

I haven't really proofread it, so please forgive any errors! I hurt my back earlier this week, so this talk was honestly written mostly last night, though I've been thinking about it all week while recovering. I gave it almost straight from the paper as I was still not feeling great this morning, so what you're about to read is almost exactly what was said in sacrament meeting today. 

I hope you enjoy it!

In primary we learn the basic answers for living a righteous life; study the scriptures, pray, go to church, be nice to others, be reverent, etc. Those are the answers to almost every question. We learn that God loves us and that Jesus died for us and that that was important for some reason. As we get older we expand on that a little bit more. We learn stories from the scriptures that demonstrate faith. We come to understand more about why Christ died. We learn more about what He taught when He was alive and what he taught when He came back. Not all of the stories always made total sense to us, but it all ultimately came down to a few things. We should study, pray, go to church, be nice to others. God loves us and Jesus died for us. 

Then we start to get more in depth. We learn about the priesthood, modesty, all of the little do's and don'ts. Again, we know that they are important, but maybe don't fully understand why.

When I was in Young Women's, I felt pretty confident that I was living the gospel "right". I studied and prayed every day, I went to church on Sundays and mutual activities on Wednesdays. I loved church and loved learning about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I loved feeling like I was following all of the rules. I dressed modestly, didn't swear, tried to serve others. I was missing quite a lot still though. I would often scrutinize what the other girls were wearing to see if they were up to standard. I would judge those who dated before they were sixteen. I honestly was trying to help when I reminded others of the "rules", but I was missing some very important things. 

******It helps to understand here that I was the ONLY Young Woman for a year and a half and then was at least 3 years older than every other girl once more started coming up. So I felt very much like I needed to be a good example to them and teach them how to do things "right"**********

I was really good at recognizing the good in my non-member friends. I knew that they believed differently than I did, and so it was much easier to not judge them. I talked to my friends about the gospel all the time, but wasn't pushy. I didn't shove the gospel down their throats. If they didn't understand or accept the gospel, that was hard for me, but understandable. 

But if you were a member, I fully expected you to live the gospel the way that I thought that it was supposed to be lived. I still loved and learned a lot from the members in my life of course, but I was quicker to notice if someone still had extra ear piercings, tattoos, or skipped church to go hunting than if they were service minded, had a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon, or put a lot of thought into their lessons.

And even though I followed all of the rules, I greatly struggled with really feeling a closeness to Christ. I KNEW that He was there and that He loved me. I KNEW that Heavenly Father listened to my prayers. But I didn't FEEL them. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting answers to prayers when I was doing all of the standard primary answers, following For the Strength of Youth, etc. I was convinced that I must be doing something wrong still for me to not be recognizing the Holy Ghost in my life, but I had no idea what. I had many tear-filled conversations with my Dad about it and he assured me that I felt the Holy Ghost more than I realized. But I felt like, shouldn't I KNOW if I was feeling the Spirit?

Preparing for a mission gave me a huge aha moment. As I studied Preach My Gospel and got to the chapter about recognizing the Holy Ghost, I learned that there were SO many more ways to receive communication with God than just the warm, fuzzy, burning-in-the-bosom feeling that is most talked about. I also learned what dispensations were and why it was so important for a Restoration to happen. I had learned about and lived the gospel my whole life and yet didn't know, or maybe just didn't fully understand, the fundamental teachings that are essential for converts to know and understand before they're baptized. It's like a whole new world of the gospel was opened up for me. I soaked in every little thing in the MTC and every Zone and District meeting. 

I truly believe that serving a mission was absolutely necessary for me and my spiritual growth. The prompting to serve a mission was the first time that I could say with complete confidence that I got an answer to a prayer. And it is clear to me now why it was so important for me to serve. 

I honestly had a really, really tough mission. I struggled with my health throughout, to the point where I was almost sent home a couple of times. I had notoriously difficult companions. And I didn't have what many would call a "successful" mission. It was incredibly hard to find people to teach where I was. Very few people spoke English, and those who did were often unaccountable because they had fried their brains with drugs or else had severe mental problems. 

And yet I can honestly say that I loved my mission and that it is the best thing that I have ever done. 

It was as a missionary that I learned to truly love people for who they were. And don't get me wrong, I've always been a pretty compassionate and loving person, but this was different. I learned to look at everyone and picture them in white. To see them as the children of God that they are. To have a love for them on sight and an intense desire to lead them home to their Heavenly Father. I learned that rules and standards are important, but intentions and testimony or just as key. I learned that some of the strongest testimonies come from those with the craziest pasts. I truly came to understand that God cares a lot more about your presence in church than about what you're wearing when you're there. That smelling cigarette smoke in the chapel is more of an indication of a person's desire to change than it is of their desire to sin. 

I also learned that understanding revelation often is incredibly difficult. That it is a learned skill that needs to be worked at. That everyone experiences the influence of the Holy Ghost differently and that it sometimes takes time and effort to discern what your style of communication is. I also learned that that is okay. That it is okay if I don't always feel like I got an answer to my prayer. Or if I don't understand the answer that I received. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

I learned that what Heavenly Father really wants is for us to try our best. And I learned that my best is determined by Him, not by me. 

As probably most missionaries do, I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. Especially because I was sick so, so often, I felt like I was letting EVERYONE down. My companion, the ward that I was serving in, every single person that lived in that area, and, most significantly, God. It's like I could just feel His disappointment. Everyone told me to just do my best. And I was trying really, really hard, but WAS it my best? There was always more that I could be doing. 

I'm not sure exactly when the lightbulb flipped on in my brain, but at some point I realized that Heavenly Father wasn't looking down at me in disappointment. He looked down and was so incredibly proud of me. He looked down and thought "look at how hard she's trying and how much she cares." And sure, He was just as aware of my weaknesses and inadequacies as I was. But He loved me enough to see past those into my heart. He wasn't this disapproving being frowning down at me, but a loving Father who was at my side through every difficult turn. 

Don't get me wrong, I had grown up learning that God loved me. I studied about how God is our loving Heavenly Father in Preach My Gospel. But for some reason that just never seemed to apply to ME in the same way that I applied it to everyone else. 

The year or so after my mission is when I tend to feel that I was the best that I've ever been. I still studied and prayed every day, went to church every Sunday, dressed modestly, and didn't swear. But I also was more merciful and compassionate to those around me, and also to myself. I could look at people that lived the gospel differently than I did and appreciate their personal faith and testimonies and that it was okay if they showed their love for the Lord a little bit differently than I did. 

Okay, I feel like I've talked about the main, institutional milestones of spiritual growth in my life. But I want to talk about one more thing. 

The rest of our lives.

I honestly believe that the best ways to grow spiritually are the everyday, standard primary answers, but more especially that the best PLACE to grow spiritually is in the Gethsemanes of our lives. 

I'm talking about trials here. And not only every day trials, but big, honking, I never-could-have-imagined-this-ever-happening-to-me trials.

Throughout my whole life I have suffered trials that didn't seem typical to other people. The biggest one growing up was my mysterious medical problems that no one could figure out. Then out at college I faced abuse and eventually became the victim of a felony at the hands of my ex fiancé. Since then I have experienced (and continue to experience) more soul crushing trials. And I don't tell you this because I want you to pity me. I tell you this because it has been in the midst of these seemingly insurmountable trials that I have felt closest to my Heavenly Father.

There have been a few times when people have asked me why my faith never wavered through some of the things that I have experienced. And I remember the question catching me very much off guard the first time because for me, when I am in the middle of an intense trial, I often feel very much alone. And in those moments I honestly feel that the ONLY thing that I have to hold on to is my God. If I don't have Him, then what do I have?

During the trials that would have made others question their faith, I have held tighter and tighter to the knowledge that I am not alone, that I have an all powerful, mighty God in heaven that loves ME and is by MY side and listening to every single one of my tearful prayers. That is what has gotten me through every bit of pain and suffering that I have felt in my life.

It truly has been in the fires of affliction that I have felt most compelled to believe that there is someone who knows me and my pain. Who totally, completely understands me and my needs and is 100% on my side. Who wants my eternal happiness even more than I do.

It is in the hardest times that reading my scriptures, praying, fasting, going to church, and serving others are the most vital and bring me the most growth of spirit. Because those are the times that God's hand is most visible in my life. The times when I can recognize the angels on earth that He sends to me along with a multitude of other tender mercies. 

I wish that I could say that I feel like I am stronger than ever spiritually at this moment, but to be honest, I don't. The standard primary answers that I have clung to my entire life have gotten hard to do at times. I have felt incredibly worn out for the last few years. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. But I still firmly believe that God is real. That He loves me. That He sent His Son down to suffer for every little thing that I would suffer not only to pay for my sins, but to understand them. To understand ME. And I truly believe that the opportunity to repent is the greatest gift that I have ever been given. Because while it is hard to look at myself now and look at myself a few years ago and feel that I'm not as strong as I was, I know that it doesn't have to stay that way. I know that the path is clear and the door is always open to me. I know that Jesus Christ has felt what I am feeling right now and He understands my weaknesses and He also sees my strengths. And I know that even when my mind and body fail at times, He can help me to be strong in the spirit.

I want to bear my testimony that I know that wherever you are in life, God sees you. He sees your needs and He feels your pain. He is so proud of every step that you take towards Him, no matter how small it may seem to you. He is always there and He ALWAYS loves you. It is never too late, you have never become too weak or too far from Him. Spiritual growth isn't something that happens alone. It happens with Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.