Personal, Spiritual Growth Talk

I was asked to share the talk that I gave in church today, so figured I'd go ahead and just copy and paste it into my blog. 

I was asked to speak on personal growth from a spiritual aspect. I'm back living in the ward that I grew up in from 12 years old until I served my mission, so many of the people here have watched me grow in all of the ways. 

I haven't really proofread it, so please forgive any errors! I hurt my back earlier this week, so this talk was honestly written mostly last night, though I've been thinking about it all week while recovering. I gave it almost straight from the paper as I was still not feeling great this morning, so what you're about to read is almost exactly what was said in sacrament meeting today. 

I hope you enjoy it!

In primary we learn the basic answers for living a righteous life; study the scriptures, pray, go to church, be nice to others, be reverent, etc. Those are the answers to almost every question. We learn that God loves us and that Jesus died for us and that that was important for some reason. As we get older we expand on that a little bit more. We learn stories from the scriptures that demonstrate faith. We come to understand more about why Christ died. We learn more about what He taught when He was alive and what he taught when He came back. Not all of the stories always made total sense to us, but it all ultimately came down to a few things. We should study, pray, go to church, be nice to others. God loves us and Jesus died for us. 

Then we start to get more in depth. We learn about the priesthood, modesty, all of the little do's and don'ts. Again, we know that they are important, but maybe don't fully understand why.

When I was in Young Women's, I felt pretty confident that I was living the gospel "right". I studied and prayed every day, I went to church on Sundays and mutual activities on Wednesdays. I loved church and loved learning about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I loved feeling like I was following all of the rules. I dressed modestly, didn't swear, tried to serve others. I was missing quite a lot still though. I would often scrutinize what the other girls were wearing to see if they were up to standard. I would judge those who dated before they were sixteen. I honestly was trying to help when I reminded others of the "rules", but I was missing some very important things. 

******It helps to understand here that I was the ONLY Young Woman for a year and a half and then was at least 3 years older than every other girl once more started coming up. So I felt very much like I needed to be a good example to them and teach them how to do things "right"**********

I was really good at recognizing the good in my non-member friends. I knew that they believed differently than I did, and so it was much easier to not judge them. I talked to my friends about the gospel all the time, but wasn't pushy. I didn't shove the gospel down their throats. If they didn't understand or accept the gospel, that was hard for me, but understandable. 

But if you were a member, I fully expected you to live the gospel the way that I thought that it was supposed to be lived. I still loved and learned a lot from the members in my life of course, but I was quicker to notice if someone still had extra ear piercings, tattoos, or skipped church to go hunting than if they were service minded, had a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon, or put a lot of thought into their lessons.

And even though I followed all of the rules, I greatly struggled with really feeling a closeness to Christ. I KNEW that He was there and that He loved me. I KNEW that Heavenly Father listened to my prayers. But I didn't FEEL them. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting answers to prayers when I was doing all of the standard primary answers, following For the Strength of Youth, etc. I was convinced that I must be doing something wrong still for me to not be recognizing the Holy Ghost in my life, but I had no idea what. I had many tear-filled conversations with my Dad about it and he assured me that I felt the Holy Ghost more than I realized. But I felt like, shouldn't I KNOW if I was feeling the Spirit?

Preparing for a mission gave me a huge aha moment. As I studied Preach My Gospel and got to the chapter about recognizing the Holy Ghost, I learned that there were SO many more ways to receive communication with God than just the warm, fuzzy, burning-in-the-bosom feeling that is most talked about. I also learned what dispensations were and why it was so important for a Restoration to happen. I had learned about and lived the gospel my whole life and yet didn't know, or maybe just didn't fully understand, the fundamental teachings that are essential for converts to know and understand before they're baptized. It's like a whole new world of the gospel was opened up for me. I soaked in every little thing in the MTC and every Zone and District meeting. 

I truly believe that serving a mission was absolutely necessary for me and my spiritual growth. The prompting to serve a mission was the first time that I could say with complete confidence that I got an answer to a prayer. And it is clear to me now why it was so important for me to serve. 

I honestly had a really, really tough mission. I struggled with my health throughout, to the point where I was almost sent home a couple of times. I had notoriously difficult companions. And I didn't have what many would call a "successful" mission. It was incredibly hard to find people to teach where I was. Very few people spoke English, and those who did were often unaccountable because they had fried their brains with drugs or else had severe mental problems. 

And yet I can honestly say that I loved my mission and that it is the best thing that I have ever done. 

It was as a missionary that I learned to truly love people for who they were. And don't get me wrong, I've always been a pretty compassionate and loving person, but this was different. I learned to look at everyone and picture them in white. To see them as the children of God that they are. To have a love for them on sight and an intense desire to lead them home to their Heavenly Father. I learned that rules and standards are important, but intentions and testimony or just as key. I learned that some of the strongest testimonies come from those with the craziest pasts. I truly came to understand that God cares a lot more about your presence in church than about what you're wearing when you're there. That smelling cigarette smoke in the chapel is more of an indication of a person's desire to change than it is of their desire to sin. 

I also learned that understanding revelation often is incredibly difficult. That it is a learned skill that needs to be worked at. That everyone experiences the influence of the Holy Ghost differently and that it sometimes takes time and effort to discern what your style of communication is. I also learned that that is okay. That it is okay if I don't always feel like I got an answer to my prayer. Or if I don't understand the answer that I received. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

I learned that what Heavenly Father really wants is for us to try our best. And I learned that my best is determined by Him, not by me. 

As probably most missionaries do, I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. Especially because I was sick so, so often, I felt like I was letting EVERYONE down. My companion, the ward that I was serving in, every single person that lived in that area, and, most significantly, God. It's like I could just feel His disappointment. Everyone told me to just do my best. And I was trying really, really hard, but WAS it my best? There was always more that I could be doing. 

I'm not sure exactly when the lightbulb flipped on in my brain, but at some point I realized that Heavenly Father wasn't looking down at me in disappointment. He looked down and was so incredibly proud of me. He looked down and thought "look at how hard she's trying and how much she cares." And sure, He was just as aware of my weaknesses and inadequacies as I was. But He loved me enough to see past those into my heart. He wasn't this disapproving being frowning down at me, but a loving Father who was at my side through every difficult turn. 

Don't get me wrong, I had grown up learning that God loved me. I studied about how God is our loving Heavenly Father in Preach My Gospel. But for some reason that just never seemed to apply to ME in the same way that I applied it to everyone else. 

The year or so after my mission is when I tend to feel that I was the best that I've ever been. I still studied and prayed every day, went to church every Sunday, dressed modestly, and didn't swear. But I also was more merciful and compassionate to those around me, and also to myself. I could look at people that lived the gospel differently than I did and appreciate their personal faith and testimonies and that it was okay if they showed their love for the Lord a little bit differently than I did. 

Okay, I feel like I've talked about the main, institutional milestones of spiritual growth in my life. But I want to talk about one more thing. 

The rest of our lives.

I honestly believe that the best ways to grow spiritually are the everyday, standard primary answers, but more especially that the best PLACE to grow spiritually is in the Gethsemanes of our lives. 

I'm talking about trials here. And not only every day trials, but big, honking, I never-could-have-imagined-this-ever-happening-to-me trials.

Throughout my whole life I have suffered trials that didn't seem typical to other people. The biggest one growing up was my mysterious medical problems that no one could figure out. Then out at college I faced abuse and eventually became the victim of a felony at the hands of my ex fiancé. Since then I have experienced (and continue to experience) more soul crushing trials. And I don't tell you this because I want you to pity me. I tell you this because it has been in the midst of these seemingly insurmountable trials that I have felt closest to my Heavenly Father.

There have been a few times when people have asked me why my faith never wavered through some of the things that I have experienced. And I remember the question catching me very much off guard the first time because for me, when I am in the middle of an intense trial, I often feel very much alone. And in those moments I honestly feel that the ONLY thing that I have to hold on to is my God. If I don't have Him, then what do I have?

During the trials that would have made others question their faith, I have held tighter and tighter to the knowledge that I am not alone, that I have an all powerful, mighty God in heaven that loves ME and is by MY side and listening to every single one of my tearful prayers. That is what has gotten me through every bit of pain and suffering that I have felt in my life.

It truly has been in the fires of affliction that I have felt most compelled to believe that there is someone who knows me and my pain. Who totally, completely understands me and my needs and is 100% on my side. Who wants my eternal happiness even more than I do.

It is in the hardest times that reading my scriptures, praying, fasting, going to church, and serving others are the most vital and bring me the most growth of spirit. Because those are the times that God's hand is most visible in my life. The times when I can recognize the angels on earth that He sends to me along with a multitude of other tender mercies. 

I wish that I could say that I feel like I am stronger than ever spiritually at this moment, but to be honest, I don't. The standard primary answers that I have clung to my entire life have gotten hard to do at times. I have felt incredibly worn out for the last few years. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. But I still firmly believe that God is real. That He loves me. That He sent His Son down to suffer for every little thing that I would suffer not only to pay for my sins, but to understand them. To understand ME. And I truly believe that the opportunity to repent is the greatest gift that I have ever been given. Because while it is hard to look at myself now and look at myself a few years ago and feel that I'm not as strong as I was, I know that it doesn't have to stay that way. I know that the path is clear and the door is always open to me. I know that Jesus Christ has felt what I am feeling right now and He understands my weaknesses and He also sees my strengths. And I know that even when my mind and body fail at times, He can help me to be strong in the spirit.

I want to bear my testimony that I know that wherever you are in life, God sees you. He sees your needs and He feels your pain. He is so proud of every step that you take towards Him, no matter how small it may seem to you. He is always there and He ALWAYS loves you. It is never too late, you have never become too weak or too far from Him. Spiritual growth isn't something that happens alone. It happens with Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.