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| I have a journal with this quote on it and I just love it! |
So I've been feeling all day like I needed to write a post for Thanksgiving. But... it's Thanksgiving, so I've been spending time with people and stuffing my face and whatnot, so I'm writing it just after Thanksgiving instead (although I started writing it before it was over!).
And honestly, I hate to say it, but I've been having a rough week and so the thought of writing a post about gratitude didn't sound super appealing. But really, it is because I'm having a rough week that this will be even easier to write I think.
You see, I've been through a lot of pretty tough crap in my life. And because of that, I have learned to be SO grateful for pretty much everything.
I remember an episode of the show American Dragon: Jake Long that I watched YEARS ago. I hardly remember anything about the show, but I have always remembered this one particular episode. There are two girls in it, twins I think, and they're cursed. They both can see the future, but one only sees the good, happy things of the future, and the other one only sees the bad things that will happen.
It was really interesting to me that the one that only sees good things was super depressing and negative, while the one who only saw bad things was super cheery. That has stuck with me for who knows how long now (the last episode aired 10 years ago, so there you go).
Because you see, if nothing bad ever happens to you, then it is only too easy to get stuck in a rut of dissatisfaction. Everything is good, so you need something better. And better. And better. And nothing is enough.
But when bad things DO happen, you become so much more grateful for what good you DO have in your life, because you know what it's like to not have it.
I went on three pioneer treks when I was a Young Woman (for those who don't know what that is, it's basically where we dress like pioneers and for three days we pull handcarts and live like they did. Except that we had port-a-potties). I remember that when I came home from my first trek when I was 14, my prayers got real specific.
I'm grateful for running water, and beds, and pavement, and cars, and that I don't have to wear bloomers, and electricity, etc
Those few days of living even a teensy bit like the pioneers did showed me that I had SO much to be grateful for that I had not been paying attention to.
Now let me tell you, it really can be so hard to feel grateful at times.
My amazing boyfriend that I've written about broke up with me on Sunday. Now don't hate on him at all, because he did it in the kindest, most considerate way that he possibly could. The last thing that he's ever wanted to do was hurt me, because he really does care about me a great deal. But he felt like we needed to break up, so he did.
Needless to say, this week has been really rough for me. I've cried lots, felt sick quite a bit, and have struggled with eating and sleeping. I also have to be careful about the music I listen to again and am apt to be triggered by the smallest things. Which is something that hasn't really been an issue since we started dating over a month ago.
It's been hard to feel overly grateful for anything while I've been feeling so miserable. But I actually do have SO much to be grateful for!
First of all, I am extremely grateful for my (recent) ex. I'm grateful for the short time that we had together because it taught me three very important things.
1- He helped me see that I am still capable of being SO happy. I had honestly started to think that I would never feel truly happy ever again. I was too sad, too broken, too... PTSD-y. But he showed me that it absolutely still is possible for me.
2- He showed me that it actually is possible for someone to want to be with me, not just someday, but now. I've felt like no one would ever love me until I was "fixed." I felt like I needed to figure out how to heal properly before anyone would even give me a chance. But he showed me that that's not necessarily true.
3- He taught me that there really are good guys out there. There really are guys that see the gospel standards the same way that I do. There really are guys that won't push me past my limits in any capacity.
Beyond my ex himself, this week I am so very grateful for my friends and family members that have reached out to me as I've begun to fight being sucked down into depression again. I'm super grateful for my friend Madi and her family for having me over this week for Thanksgiving. And for the guy that drove me 9 hours to get here and then refused to accept any kind of payment. I'm grateful for funny memes and card games that help keep my mind off of things. And that I already have playlists made on my Spotify that are free of songs that would trigger my PTSD.
I am grateful for my amazing choir director who told me "There's nothing that I can say right now to make you feel better. Right now, you just need to be sad." Because while I am extremely grateful to know that things are going to get better and that everything will work together for my good and such, telling me that doesn't really make my feelings feel better.
You see, I have this problem where something always has to be going wrong. I became SUPER happy when I started dating my ex. So, naturally, I ended up being sick for most of our relationship. Three weeks with a cold-turned-bronchitis-and-sinus-infection, and then a week of the flu.
I can't be both happy AND healthy at the same time. And now that I've started to feel a bit healthier physically, the break up happened. It seems that there always has to be something.
And that is really depressing honestly. It's like, I feel like "Of COURSE things didn't work out between us. He was pretty much everything that I've always wanted. He was everything right about all that was wrong with my ex. He was too perfect. It was too good to be true."
I often have a hard time believing that anything will go right for me for very long because that's always how it's gone before. My life is just a disaster waiting to happen it seems. I have brief moments of joy followed by long, agonizing periods of distress.
Which is completely awful, I know. I shouldn't be like that. But that really is how I feel much of the time.
Elder Scott says it perfectly in one of my all-time favorite talks:
Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.
But I tell you what; because that always seems to be the case, I have learned to be crazy grateful for all of the good that I DO have in my life. I have learned to cherish all that I have in the moments that ARE going well, and to recognize the blessings that are there in the times that are not.
I absolutely LIVE for those happy moments in my life. Throughout my whole relationship with my ex, not a day went by where I didn't just feel so grateful to have him in my life. Because I know very clearly that not all relationships go as wonderfully as ours did (even if it was only for a short time). You could ask him and he would tell you that I was constantly letting him know that I appreciate him.
And the thing is, just as I know that everything will get worse during those periods of joy in my life, I really do know that everything will get better during the difficult times as well.
Having short periods of things going well followed by a great fall helps me to truly savor all of the good in my life. I sometimes feel like the girl who only has bad visions. I have had so many difficult times in my life that it has made the good in my life stick out to me so much more. I'm more grateful for my friends. I'm more grateful for days that I don't feel sick. I'm more grateful for little tender mercies. I think that you get the picture.
I really think that tender mercies are little pockets of joy that Heavenly Father slips into our times of trial. And I 100% believe that loved ones are angels that He sends to us to help lift us up when we are feeling low.
I've been thinking a lot about something that I wrote in one of my very first blog posts. I'm going to be that person and quote myself:
Let's look at my situation:
With my fiance all of a sudden in jail and everything that I thought that I knew all of a sudden a lie, I think that most people would say that there was nothing to be grateful for [the night of his arrest].
They would be wrong.
I was grateful that all of this came to light before I was married to the guy. I was grateful for the detective that gave me a hug when I asked for one because I was home alone when they came and told me that my fiance is the one that had hidden cameras in my apartment. I was grateful for my amazing, supportive roommates when they got back and I told them. I was grateful for my apartment manager's support. I was grateful to be in a place where I could easily ask for and receive a priesthood blessing. I was SO very grateful for my married friends that came to pick me up and let me stay the night even though they had no idea what was wrong, only that something was. I was grateful that I managed to sleep at all that night and that I didn't have nightmares (though I've had plenty since).
And then going beyond that night, I have been grateful for all of the millions of people that have reached out- and continue to reach out -to me over the last few months. I'm grateful for the virtual strangers who have held me while I've cried because all of a sudden I was overwhelmed by it all again. I'm grateful for my family for their love and support. I'm grateful for my old bosses who really, truly tried to work with me, even though I eventually had to be let go. I'm grateful for my friends who make sure that I eat sometimes, and the people who have bought me groceries. I'm grateful for the doctor that I've been working with. I'm grateful for the rides that I've been given. I'm grateful for my friends for not making me feel worse than I already did for leaving a game night after being there for only a few minutes because I simply couldn't handle it at the moment. I'm grateful for my guy friends who happily left their warm cozy beds at 11:30 at night because I just needed a boy hug.
I really believe that it is during our most difficult times that the blessings from the Lord are most apparent. But only if you're looking. I know people who wouldn't be acknowledging any of the blessings that I have.
But I'm not them. I have a tender mercies journal next to my bed and I have never had as much to write in it as I have during these last few months.
I wrote that almost exactly five months ago. And you want to know what's crazy? I'm STILL so grateful for all of those things. And I'm amazed that five months later (and about 11 months since my ex fiance's arrest), I'm STILL receiving so much love and support. I'm amazed that my friends are still willing to drop everything at the a moment's notice to give me a blessing, or let me cry all over them, or whatever.
So yeah. Life is hard. And sometimes, it REALLY sucks. But I can tell you that there is always something to be grateful for.
The light of God's love that is so apparent during your happiest, brightest days is still there during your hardest, darkest ones. Only it is seen shining through the moon and stars instead of the sun. And that makes the light all the more radiant and beautiful to me.
There are ALWAYS going to be bad times. It is only too easy to find negative things in your life. But here's a secret that Satan doesn't want you to know. There are ALWAYS going to be good times in your life too! And there are generally even more positive things to find in your life than there are negative in any given moment. You only have to be looking for them. Satan wants to blind us to all of the good that is there because he does NOT want us to be happy. So feel free to find the blessings and throw it in his face that you're happy anyway.
To end, I just wanted to share the caption of the Life As I See It Facebook page cover photo:
Stars are my favorite because they show the magnificent beauty that can be found in the darkest places if we only choose to look up. <3
It really is during the darkest nights, in the darkest places, that stars are the most apparent. And it is in the darkest places in our lives that the hand of God is most apparent. So never stop looking up. God is so good and He loves you SO much. He is constantly showering you with blessings, you simply have to learn to recognize them. There is always so much to be grateful for, no matter your circumstances. I really, truly believe that with all my heart.
So today I am grateful for so, so much. I'm grateful for Madi and her family. I'm grateful for delicious food. I'm grateful for Marvel movies. I'm grateful for my ex. I'm grateful for my family. I'm grateful for my friends who have invited me over for Christmas since I'll no longer be spending it with my ex and his family. I'm grateful for my friend that texted me while I was writing this to tell me that I'm amazing.
I'm grateful for the gospel and the blessings that it brings. I'm grateful to know that I have a Father in Heaven who loves and knows me perfectly and who knows what is best for me SO much better than I do. I'm grateful for opposition in all things, because it helps me to be grateful. I'm grateful to have a Savior who knows exactly how I feel during my lowest times.
I'm especially grateful for all of the amazing things that I have learned during the worst moments of my life, and the Holy Ghost for helping me to learn them. The lessons learned and the blessings received really are worth the pain and suffering, even if it doesn't always feel like it. (As President Eyring puts it: Our trials and our difficulties give us the opportunity to learn and grow, and they may even change our very nature. If we can turn to the Savior in our extremity, our souls can be polished as we endure.)
And, finally, I'm grateful to all of you who read my blog, for supporting me and cheering me on as I keep on keeping on through this excruciating time in my life. I appreciate you all more than you could ever know.
Happy Yesterday Was Thanksgiving Everyone! You're amazing and don't you forget it! <3
Grateful in Any Circumstances
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