The Prideful "Should"

I have a pride problem. You probably do too.

I'm not prideful in the "I'm better than everyone" kind of way. No, it's more of an "I'm better than I am" kind of way. It's not an "I can do this better than anyone else" and more of an "I don't need anyone else to do this" kind of pride.

Of course I compare myself to others. Constantly. I think that most of us do. But I generally am pretty good at not looking at others and thinking about how much better than them I am. Instead, I generally am pretty good at looking at others and thinking how much better they are than me.

And that, my friends, is pride. It's that Me vs. Everyone else mindset. It's being caught up in the comparison. (See the talk at the end of the post)

It's also the Me vs. Past Me mindset.

Let me explain (well, reiterate, I explain this concept in this past post).

I'm spending the weekend with my boyfriend and his family. Tonight we were watching the movie The Circle. I didn't know that hidden cameras were a huge part of this movie. Neither did the family. When the sneaky cameras were first presented, my heart dropped, just a bit. When my boyfriend realized, he asked if I was okay or if I needed to go do something else upstairs. I told him that I thought that I would be okay. The movie continued.

I was worried about how I'd react as the movie went on. I googled a synopsis to get an idea of whether I thought that I'd be okay to keep watching it or not. It seemed like I should be able to handle it, so I simply told myself that I would leave if necessary, but that it was fine to keep watching for now.

That was a mistake.

A certain scene pushed my PTSD over the edge and my boyfriend and I went upstairs. I sobbed.

He felt horrible about it, as did his mom and his sister. I told them that it wasn't their fault. None of us had seen the movie before. None of us knew that a lot of the plot would hit so close to home for me. It wasn't their fault.

It was mine.

I should have stopped watching the movie as soon as the hidden cameras were introduced. I should have known that that wasn't something that I could handle. And I did know that.

But I didn't want to acknowledge it.

As time goes on, I feel like I have to prove to myself that I can be "normal." A "normal" person would be able to sit through an entire dystopian movie with her boyfriend's family without having a meltdown. A "normal" person isn't triggered by a plot device. It wouldn't have bothered me a year ago, so it shouldn't bother me now.

But it does. It does bother me and that bothers me. It bothers me that I can't do something as normal as watch a movie. It bothers me that I'm still "broken." I want to prove to myself that I'm getting better, that I can do the things that I used to be able to do. I try to trick myself into believing that I'm not broken anymore. And that's being prideful.

It's prideful because I'm trying to determine all on my own what I should and shouldn't be able to do. In my mind, I should be able to sit through The Circle without bawling. I should be able to keep up with my classes. I should be able to hold a job. I should be able to do all of the things that I used to be able to do. But what I should or should not be capable of doing isn't set by my timetable. I can't just decide that I'm healed (no matter how much I want to).

There is a difference between believing that things will get better and believing that things should be better right now.

Believing that things will get better is trusting the Lord. Believing that things should already be better is NOT trusting in the Lord's timetable. It's selfish and it's prideful.

Think about it, if I had healed as quickly as I wanted to (you know, a couple months tops), then I would not be where I am. I would not be writing this blog post right now. I wouldn't have started a blog. I wouldn't have become so close to my best friend that is now my boyfriend. In short, I wouldn't have two of the most meaningful things in my life right now if I had healed when I wanted to be healed.

The whole reason that people even read my blog is because I'm "broken." Because they can see that I'm not perfect but that I haven't given up. Because they look at the broken pieces of me and they speak to the broken pieces of them. I blog because I am broken. Because I have learned, and continue to learn, SO much from being broken.

I gotta tell you, being broken is probably the best teacher ever. I've learned so freaking much through this whole thing and continue to learn more and more every single day. Being broken allows me to rebuild, stronger than ever before. But it is a slow process. Anything worth learning or becoming always is.

If I hadn't struggled, really struggled, over the last 9 months, then I wouldn't be who I am today. And you know what? Who I am really isn't as bad as I think most of the time. It's so easy for me to see myself in terms of what I think that I should be able to do. What I struggle to see is what is already there inside of me that is great! I see my failures rather than the fact that I keep trying. I see the weaknesses that I have, not the ones that I have overcome. I see all of the things that I used to be able to do that I can't anymore and neglect recognizing the things that I can do now that I couldn't before.

I am prideful in the sense that I refuse to see the value that is inside of me. Heavenly Father has given me so much and continues to help me to learn and grow and develop every single day. But all I look at is, "but I should also be able to do _______." The progress that I have made is never good enough for me. I always want more. And that is straight up prideful.

"Yeah, thanks for this wagon-full of blessings, but what I really need is this. No, I need those things too, but where is this?" Ouch. If that isn't a slap in the face, I don't know what is.

But this post isn't supposed to be about how I'm a terrible, ungrateful human being, because I promise that I'm not.

What I'm really trying to say is that we all need to cut ourselves some slack.

I'm doing better than I think that I am. Of course there is always room for improvement and I should always be seeking to become a little better each and every day. But it's also 100% okay to give myself a break. I'm not going to be in tip-top shape tomorrow and that has to be okay with me. Because Heavenly Father has proven to me over and over again this year that He can use me in whatever condition I'm in. And there are things that I can contribute in each and every stage of recovery that I would miss out on contributing if I was healed with a snap of the fingers.

And I guess that's kind of the point that I'm trying to get across. It's crucial that I'm NOT healing at my own pace, because if I was, I wouldn't be becoming a better person. That's why this does have to take a lot longer than I want it to.

It's okay that I'm not perfect, no matter how badly I wish that I was right at this moment. It's okay because this process of piecing myself back together has strengthened me in ways that I may never fully comprehend. So I need to stop worrying about where I think that I should be in life and simply be content with where I am. I really do believe that I will continue to get better. And I really do trust that Heavenly Father knows how to help me to do so. I also fully trust in His ability to make me SO much more than I could ever make of myself.

If you get anything out of this post, I hope that it's this:

Do what you can and don't worry about what you can't. Heavenly Father only expects you to do what you can. Who are you to expect more of yourself than He does? Only He really knows what you should be able to do because He knows exactly what you are capable of doing. And you can trust that He will absolutely use you to your fullest current potential AND that He will continually build you up to help you to reach your fullest eternal potential. He knows much better than you do what it will take to get there, so stop trying to take over.

I don't know what I need in my life right now to help me to reach my full potential, but I know that He does.

So what I really should do is get off my high horse and simply enjoy the view from where I am. Because you know what? It's pretty darn great, just as it is.

Ps- This talk has a lot to do with the insights that I have about pride. Read it. It's SO good.