I've noticed that I tend to not know how I think about feel about things until I'm talking to someone about it or until I feel like I should write about it. I'm not very good at just taking time to think because I hate being bored and too much thinking time usually leads to depressing thoughts, so most of my figuring out occurs as I talk or write. As such (and as is often the case), this blog post is inspired by a conversation that I had with a good friend of mine recently.
We were chatting about some random things, but then he asked me a couple of questions that I didn't really know the answers to until he asked and I responded.
The first question he asked was "Why do you trust me so much?" To which I responded "I don't know. I just feel like I can. You haven't given me any reason not to."
The second question was "Even knowing that I still struggle with pornography addiction?"
My immediate response was "Of course!" Which, honestly, probably seems like a strange response for someone in my situation. But this is something that I've thought about over and over and over again over this past year or so and have only just recently been able to solidify a bit more within myself.
The next chunk of this post is simply going to be our conversation, copied and pasted straight from Messenger. I'll start with the first question and just copy and paste from there.
Him: Anna, why do you trust me so much?
Me: I don't know. I just feel like I can. You haven't given me any reason not to.
Him: Even knowing that I still struggle with pornography addiction?
Me: Of course! That doesn't define you. And as far as I can tell, you are doing your best to overcome it. You've been very open about it. I know that you've been to at least one group meeting for it (and I'm assuming many more). Everyone sins. Everyone has their struggles. I care a lot more about how you handle it than I do about how severe the struggles are in the first place.
I'm not going to lie, pornography addiction is really, really scary for me. But it's wouldn't be fair for me to assume that every single person that struggles with porn is going to be like [ex-fiance]. And who am I to judge someone who is earnestly seeking to repent?
And honestly? A lot of people that I'm close to struggle with it. It's not really something that I can just get away from.
Him: I suppose not.
(Later in the conversation)
Him: I feel that I represent an immense risk to you.
Me: An immense risk? Because of the pornography thing?
Him: I talked to ______, at length, after that first [time that we hung out], because I was freaking out
Me: Oh my goodness! Really?
Why?
Him: Because _______ knew both of us; the details of our stories
Me: No, I mean, why were you freaking out?
Him: Because I saw myself as a risk
Me: [Name of friend]. You're not a risk. You're a person.
Everyone is a risk.
I could be in danger of being hurt by anyone at any given moment and I would be none the wiser…
Some of my very best friends are porn addicts. Some of the best people I know struggle with it.
Does struggling with porn make you more likely to hurt me than someone else? Maybe. But that's a risk that I have to be willing to take, because I would miss out on a lot of amazing people otherwise.
And you're one of them.
Him: I am at a loss, for words
Me: Here's the thing…
ANYONE new is scary for me right now. And even dating people that I feel like I know well is terrifying too. Because I never, ever would have thought that [ex] was capable of doing the things that he did to me. So every single person that I encounter is seen as a potential risk for me. But I refuse to let that stop me from making new friends. And I'm trying really hard to make my anxiety shut up about going on dates and being in a relationship again someday. Because no matter who it is, no matter whether I know that they have struggled with xyz or not, it's going to be scary. But just because someone might hurt me, doesn't mean that they will. And I have to give every single person the same chance. I choose to do my best to trust everyone that I associate with regardless of their past or current struggles. Because if I don't, then I will most definitely never find the right guy for me. And I wouldn't have the amazing support system of friends that I have right now.
Trusting people is terrifying. But I do it anyway because it's worth it.
And I absolutely may end up being hurt again. But one person hurting me isn't worth giving up a hundred people loving me and lifting me up.
[Ex] has already taken so much away from me. I refuse to let him take away my ability to love and accept others.
Being friends with you is a risk that I am more than willing to take. You have been nothing but respectful and caring towards me since the day that I met you.
Him: It's hard to believe that a year ago, _______ was telling your story. Never thought we would be friends
Me: I tend to surprise people :)
Okay, so ending the narrative there, let me talk about some of what you just read.
First of all, I was mortified to find out that he has been so afraid of being friends with me because he's afraid of hurting me. But in retrospect, it makes sense that it would be nerve-wracking for him.
I've made a huge error in my blogging. I've written so much about being hurt by someone who is/was struggling with sexual addiction. I've written about the dangers of pornography. I've written about abuse. I've written about all of the horrible things that came from being engaged to a porn addict.
But what I haven't done very well is express that even though I was hurt by an addict, that doesn't mean that I hate or fear every single person that has struggled- or is currently struggling- with pornography.
And let me clarify something really quick:
Struggling with porn doesn't mean that you are addicted. I don't want those of you who are struggling to prematurely identify your struggles as addiction. Addiction is a strong word, and I feel like we often mislabel people who are struggling as addicts, which only makes it harder for them to overcome their struggles.
And even if you are addicted, that doesn't mean that I just write you off as an addict and then move on. Please know that.
You are not an addict. You are a person.
Like I said to my friend, every single person that I encounter in my day to day life has the potential to hurt me. And honestly? I can't know who of the people I associate with might hurt me, and that definitely is intimidating.
But when I meet someone and get to know them, I don't base my judgement of whether they're a "risk" or not on things that they have done in the past or for struggles that they are having. I base my judgement on how they treat me and on how they respond to their trials and temptations. That is only fair.
For those who have struggled with pornography in the past, it simply isn't fair for me to write you off because of things that are behind you. I certainly wouldn't want people to base their judgments of me off of who I was a few years ago. Shoot, I look back at my Facebook memories and can't help but be amazed that I had any friends at all at the time!
And for those who are currently struggling with porn, it still isn't fair for me to write you off because of your struggles. I am struggling with so much right now and I spend so much time trying to keep my head above water. And I hope that people look at me and see how hard I'm trying and how far I've come, not only the fact that I am still a mess.
I care that you are doing what it takes to overcome. If you are sincerely seeking to overcome your struggles with, or addiction to, pornography, then that is enough for me.
Like I said to my friend, does you having issues with porn make you more likely to hurt me? Quite possibly. But you are so much more than your struggles. Sure, you might hurt me. But you might also support me, uplift me, teach me, love me, respect me. And I simply won't know that unless I give you the same chance that I give to every single person that I meet, which is the chance for us to become acquainted with each other, and eventually become friends.
The person that has hurt me most was addicted to pornography. He was also a singer, loved drones, directed an A Capella group, and was obsessed with strawberry banana smoothies.
I'm not going to stay away from singers, people that love drones, music directors, or people that love strawberry banana smoothies just because the person that hurt me the most had something in common with them.
Obviously pornography has a lot more to do with the things that he did to me than smoothies do, but I hope that you understand the point that I'm trying to make anyway.
Your pornography addiction is only a small part of who you are. You may be an addict, but you may also be a musician, an athlete, a gamer, a history nut, or a baker. Labeling yourself as an addict isn't doing yourself justice.
Pornography addiction comes with risk, it comes with dangers, but struggling with porn doesn't automatically make YOU a risk.
You are a person just like I am. We both have our trials and temptations. We both have things that we struggle with and things that we excel at. We both have hopes and dreams and favorite things.
I don't want to miss out on an entire complex, wonderful human being because of one little part of them.
You have just as much potential to strengthen me as you do to hurt me.
My friend that inspired this post has helped me more than he knows since we became friends last year. "Being an addict" didn't inhibit that.
You're a risk if you let yourself be. So don't. Be open and honest. Use every possible resource to overcome. Let me be a help and support to you in any way that I can be, because you surely will be the same for me.
Does pornography scare me? Absolutely. But it doesn't scare me enough to let the opportunity to know and love someone amazing pass me by.
I've never met someone who wasn't worth giving an honest chance to.
You are more than your struggles. Your potential for good is greater than your greatest weaknesses.
So please. Please don't feel like you need to stay away from me. Because I promise that I'll love you just as much as I love every other incredible person in my life. Because you are worth it. I just know it.
Ps- This made me laugh, but it's true. Replace fat with struggles and it totally works ;)
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