Life As I See It: He Will NOT Let You Sink

3 Nephi 13:26, 28-34

26 Behold the fowls of the air, for they sow not, neither do they reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?...

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the alilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin;

29 And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith.

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself...

Luke 12:6-7

6 Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?

7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

"Consider the lilies" and "ye are of more value than many sparrows" have been running through my mind a lot lately.

I'm in this interesting position where Rexburg is the best place for me, except for the fact that I can't afford to live here. Financially, it would make the most sense for me to go home for a while. But in every other sense, it makes more sense for me to stay out here.

And I have received so many blessings that have told me that I'm where I need to be.

But if I can't afford it, how can I stay here? It doesn't make logical sense.

I talked to my sister on the phone about a month ago and discussed the possibility of me having to go home since I don't have the money to pay for rent, medical bills, tuition, etc.

I dread the thought of having to spend time at home, but I agreed that that might be my only option. Except that I keep feeling like I should be here.

The day after I had that conversation with my sister, I was talking to a friend of mine that is going through a hard time. She was debating whether she wanted to come back to BYUI or not. I don't know her super well, but I felt like I should invite her to be my roommate if she decides to come back. So I did. And she decided pretty much right then and there to come to school next semester and be my roommate.

That seemed like a pretty clear answer to me that I'm supposed to be here. The day after I allowed myself to even think of going home as an option again, I felt prompted to invite my friend to live with me here in Rexburg.

Cool! So being here still feels right!

But...

I still owe almost $2,000 in various bills that I really need to pay off in order to stay here. So.... Um, what?

I've been SUPER stressing about money all semester and it's killing me. I cry about it at least once a week. But what keeps coming back to me is that I'm supposed to be here, so something will work out.

Consider the lilies; think about the sparrows. He takes care of them and He'll take care of you.

I can't see the money that I need falling from the sky into my bank account. Yet I know that with God, all things are possible. And I know that if this is where I need to be, then He will help me to stay here.

I was talking to a friend of mine just yesterday about being afraid, praying, receiving revelation, still being afraid, praying more, rinse and repeat. We talked about the story of Peter walking on water. He asked the Lord to invite him to come out onto the water. The Lord did so. Peter stepped out and walked on water. And then he sank. But was immediately lifted up as soon as he reached out to Christ for help.

We talked about how she had asked for revelation and felt like she received it, but how she was afraid to step out onto the water. Because even after the Lord reassures you that you can walk on water, the water still looks very much like liquid.

And as I encouraged her to take that step out into the water with the knowledge that Christ will always be there to catch her if she starts to sink, I realized that I desperately needed that advice as well.

I've prayed and prayed to know what I should do about my financial situation. I've looked for jobs. I've done interviews. I've been taking slow, shaky steps along the surface of the sea, but I'm still absolutely terrified of the thought of sinking. Even though I asked the Lord to bid me come out. Even though He did so. The water still looks extremely liquid. And the wind and the waves keep threatening to toss me into the depths. But I have to trust that I'm going to be taken care of somehow.

I've had it confirmed to me over and over again that I should be right here in Rexburg, so I really need to just trust that I'll be able to stay here somehow. And I do. Sometimes I really wish that the "how" would be made more obvious to me, but I really do believe that something will work out as long as I continue to do my best to keep taking those shaky steps.

If the grass and the flowers are taken care of the I will be too. If a sparrow does not go unnoticed, then neither will I.

I have to believe that that's true. Because I haven't had a regular job in almost a year, and yet I'm still here.

Money has cropped up out of nowhere time and time again over this past year.

And I pay my tithing on every single little bit of money that I earn or am given; down to $0.20 for the $2 that my roommate gave me because that is how much off I was for rent last month. And so I have a promise from the Almighty God that I will be taken care of.

I have been given little odd jobs. I have had friends force money and/or groceries on me. I have had additional funds brought back to my remembrance. I've had discounts come out of nowhere.

I have been sustained thus far in ways that I don't like. My friends have seen how incredibly guilty I feel every single time they pay for something or make me take money. They have seen me cry when money has been left to me anonymously because, while I am extremely grateful for it, I feel absolutely horrible that I have to rely so heavily on others for my survival.

I hate it.

If it was up to me, my mental and physical health would allow me to get two jobs and work myself into the ground so that no one ever has to feel like they need to help make sure that I have a roof over my head.

But it's not up to me.

I am desperately trying to accept the help that Heavenly Father has been sending me. I am trying so hard not to feel so incredibly guilty ALL. THE. TIME. Because I'm doing my part by paying tithing and seeking work, so if I can't find anything/am too sick to work a regular job, then I have to be okay with the alternatives that the Lord presents to me.

I'm trying really hard to NOT hate it.

Because it's not fair for me to snub the blessings that Heavenly Father is pouring down on me. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the small miracles that I keep seeing. I really am grateful. I'm just working on not being begrudgingly grateful.

This is all very scary for me. The not knowing how everything is going to work. The dependence on others.

But I know that it really is going to work out.

I don't know how. And that is scary. But that just has to be okay with me for now.

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

As long as I continue to look to the Lord with faith, He will absolutely make sure that everything works out the way that it needs to. Because He knows what I need much better than I do. And He knows exactly how this all needs to work out.

So my job is to trust Him to not let me sink. I know that His hand is always reaching out for me, I just need to reach up and take it.

PS- Let me say right here that this is not a plea for money. I've been very wary of writing about my financial struggles because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm just begging for money. But I also promised to be as real as possible in my blog and to be honest about what is really happening in my life, and so I've recently started to be more open about my financial situation, even though it scares me to do so. So, please don't feel like I'm sharing because I'm hoping that people will start dishing out cash. Because it's not. This is just all part of my life right now and financial difficulty has been one of my most prominent stressors this semester.

PPS- Picture dump time ;)