So I'm feeling sad right now. Like, I'm on the verge of tears and have been for the last couple of hours. I shouldn't be, but I am.
Today was a great day! I helped a friend out with a car wash fundraiser, then I worked at the temple, then had a mini pizza party with another friend, then hung out with my roommate, then had some other friends over for games. And that catches us up to right now sitting alone on the couch typing.
I did lots of things that I love. Serving friends, serving in the temple, eating pizza and watching shows and YouTube videos, playing games, etc. I even had the huge tender mercy of turning my laptop on and being reminded that I had an assignment about the Second Coming due at 11:59, so I didn't miss it like I have my last two assignments. I was able to leave my friends to start playing games without me for a bit so that I could do my assignment quick before I joined them.
Today was really a wonderful day. And I was happy for most of it. But as I was doing my homework assignment, I started feeling sad. Something that I read triggered negative thoughts and emotions and I couldn't shake them. So I finished my assignment and went back out with my friends. I tried to have fun playing games and simply wish the sadness away.
It didn't work.
However, there was another scripture that I read for that assignment that really struck me.
Doctrine and Covenants 101:36 says
"Wherefore, fear not... for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full."
And here's the thing guys. Here is the very thing that keeps me going when life sucks and I'm sad and also when life doesn't suck and I'm still sad.
The thing is that this isn't forever.
It's not always going to be like this. Things are absolutely going to get better and someday I am going to be able to have a great day like today and be happy without a tiny thing throwing it all off. And someday I'm going to be able to eat and sleep normally, and someday I will once again be able to handle being a full-time student while also working a regular job, and someday I'm not going to feel weak anymore.
And someday the right guy will come into my life and he won't hurt me. And not only will he not hurt me, but he'll take the pieces of my fragile heart and love me enough to carefully put them back together and protect my healed heart for the rest of his days.
And that day might not be today. Or tomorrow. Or next week, month, year. But I know that someday I won't feel broken anymore.
And that's what keeps me going.
Because life is hard. Life has a way of knocking you down and grinding your face in the dirt. But not only do things always get better after that happens, but we also don't see the full picture of what did happen. We don't see the angels sliding in-between us and the dirt. And we don't see Christ lifting us up and placing us on His shoulders.
And we don't understand that life isn't going to keep knocking us down over and over again for the rest of eternity. This mortal existence is a difficult one. It really is a time of testing and it's definitely not one of those tests that asks you dumb questions just to give you some extra credit. It's a doozy.
But unlike most tests, our final grade has less to do with how many questions we got right as it does how hard we tried. It has everything to do with whether we gave up trying to answer when we didn't understand or when the questions were hard or if we kept going. And because of all of that effort, we will be rewarded when Christ comes again. We will inherit ALL that Heavenly Father has. And there will be no more pain. No more suffering. No more heartache.
In this life, our "joy is not full." But it WILL be in the next life because that's the whole point of us being here! Our Father in Heaven wants us to be filled to overflowing with joy. We are living through this mortal life so that our capacities for joy can expand! THAT is why we are faced with trials. They help us to better understand the bitter so that we will have a greater ability to appreciate the sweet! They are there to help us to become like our Heavenly Father so that we even can inherit all that He has.
So no matter how hard life gets down here, it sure is reassuring to me to know that even if things don't ever get easier for me here, they certainly will be better after this life. Someday might not be today. And that's just going to have to be okay with me.
In the meantime, I'm doing my best to recognize those angels that are keeping my face out of the dirt as well as Christ's hand lifting me up. I'm trying to find joy in my journey, no matter how bumpy it may be. And even in the midst of sadness, it's really not all that hard to do.
I see angels all around me. They come in the form of friends, and neighbors, and roommates, and family members, and sometimes even complete strangers. There are many hands placing themselves between me and the dirt. And many that are lifting me up and brushing me off over and over and over again. And when I look up into their faces I can see a twinkle in their eyes that I know belongs to my older Brother Jesus.
And I'm reminded that no, my joy is not full here and now. But if I keep going, keep trusting, keep believing, keep trying, then it will be.
Someday.
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