Waiting for Hope to Return

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine that's struggling asked our friend group if we could start sending him inspirational/hopeful things, so we made another group chat specifically for that. Today, one of my other friends that is in that group chat sent this:

Alright friends, real talk. What do you do if you don’t have hope?

To which people started sending some nice messages, songs that have helped them, etc. And I could have done that too.

But I didn't.

This is what I sent back:

This is a lot less inspiring, but for me, sometimes I just have to keep going until the hope comes back.

Of course I pray and try to reach out to friends and such. And I have SO many sleep playlists and I listen to my Sunday playlist more because it's not so triggering.

But with all of that, I still feel hopeless sometimes. And when that's the case, I sob out prayers out loud and then just do my best to keep going until hope comes.

Depression/anxiety medication is also a must for me personally. I'm basically non-functional without it, though I hope to not need it someday.

And I have lots of playlists and picture quotes and scriptures and talks that I could share and will eventually, but honestly, the older I get, the more I realize that most of us have heard the same advice/words of encouragement over and over again for our whole lives and it's wonderful but also sometimes the very last thing that you want to hear.

It is absolutely true that God loves me, that things can and will get better someday, that I have people who care about me and are willing to help, and that all of my trials will be for my good. But knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling alone, hopeless, and worthless at times. And people reminding me of those things doesn't magically take away the pain. If anything it makes me feel guilty for not having more faith. But the thing is, I do have faith. I do believe in all of those good things. In my head. My heart? That is a different story. I can have faith while struggling to have hope.

Knowing those things is absolutely what helps keep me going, but not necessarily in the way that I think that we expect it to. It doesn't make me feel peace and joy when I'm in the pits. What it does do is give me the tiniest thread to cling to. It helps me to keep wading in the depths because I know in my mind that if I just keep going, hope will return someday. 

I ended up playing Codenames online with my family and that friend tonight, and when everyone was signing off of the video call, it ended up being me and the friend left. So before he could end the call, I asked him how he was doing.

And then we just talked. And I didn't spout platitudes and try to convince him that things aren't as bad as they seem. I told him that I get what he's feeling. I've been feeling depressed quite a bit lately and just really down on myself. I talked to him about some of my own struggles, and we went back and forth relating to each other about this or that. We laughed in the midst of sharing our woes. And yeah, we talked a little bit about moving forward, but mostly we just chatted. I made him watch the library card song from Arthur. We talked about Anastasia the Broadway production and how Bartok and Rasputin aren't in it and I got In the Dark of the Night stuck in my head (which replaced the library card song that had been running through it). We played Dominion online against a computer named Lord Rattington that made us thing of Rattigan from The Great Mouse Detective. 

And by the end of it all, we both felt a lot better.

I think that we sometimes make helping people harder than it has to be.

Here's the thing; I will absolutely remind you that you are a child of God and that there is purpose to our lives, no matter what point we are at in them. I will certainly send you playlists of soothing music and my favorite talks. But I'll also send you memes and silly videos and talk to you about random stuff. And I'll validate you feeling hopeless.

Not because I want you to feel that way, but because I have been there and often AM there. And when I am, I might not want to listen to a new playlist or have the ability to focus to read a talk. I might be tired of being told the same helpful things. I might have prayed all night for peace and still struggled to sleep and had nightmares. 

Sometimes I just want to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and that I don't have to feel like I don't have enough faith if I feel this way. I want to laugh about stupid things and play games because it gets my mind out of the darkness for just long enough to remind me why I'm still going.

I was joking with some other friends at church the other day about how it was so hard to make friends as a kid, but now I'm just like "Hey! I'm depressed, you should come over sometime" and the other person be like "Hey! I, too, am depressed and could use some company too!" 

Obviously that's not how I became friends with those people in the first place, but still. And well, actually, that kind of is how I became friends with one of them at least, but I'm not going to get into that right now.

All I'm really trying to say here is that words of hope are definitely important and needed. But it's just as important and needed to recognize that those words alone might not be as helpful as you might think. It's okay to say "Everything will turn out okay, but I know that knowing that doesn't help you feel happy all of a sudden. I'm sorry that you are feeling this right now. I get it."

I've expressed in past posts that I feel like the reason that my testimony has remained strong through all of the horrible things that I've lived through is because I have had so many moments in my life where it literally felt like Christ was all that I had. I couldn't see Him or feel His love, but I knew that He was there and that was just enough to keep me going just a little bit longer.

And I stand by that.

I still have many a night where things feel hopeless. And it's all that I can do to just make it through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. But I do make it through them and I keep making it through them because I know that hope will return. And knowing that doesn't feel hopeful, but it is just enough.

So if you are in a period where hope is hard to find, please know that it is okay to simply live, or even just simply survive, for a little bit until it comes back. Because it will.

It always does if you just hold on a little bit longer.

I know that dandelions are weeds,
but honestly, one of my favorite things
about spring is when the green grass
gets spotted with yellow dandelions.
It's just so happy looking to me.

Something inspiring about finding
 beauty in weeds

Just look at them being all bright and happy
even though people hate them!

PS- There are a bit more inspiring things that I would love to write about hope someday, but I felt like this was more needed right at this moment. Just... being relatable I guess.

PPS- As I was looking for pictures to put at the top of this post, I stumbled upon this article that fit in perfectly with what I'm trying to say. I recommend reading the whole thing, though I will warn you that there is a bit of language. 

Here are a couple of excerpts that really hit the nail on the head for me:

Hope is not thinking positive thoughts. Hope is not self-delusion. Hope is clinging to the life raft and kicking, even when there is no sight of land. Hope is a muscle. Like most muscles, it hurts like hell at first, but it gets easier as you get stronger, and you get stronger the more routine, seemingly pointless work you put into it. It is possible. It’s not easy. It takes the sort of work, every day, of doing what needs to be done to care for yourself, your community, your society, even when you resent having to do so and would rather lie down for five minutes or five months or the rest of your life. That’s hope. It’s not a mood. It’s an action. It’s behaving as if there might be a future even when that seems patently ridiculous....

...It means not listening to the semirational sliver of your brain that believes staying in bed drinking liquid ice cream is the better option. And eventually—maybe soon, probably not—things change. Eventually, probably not today, you feel better, or different. That’s what hope is. That’s it. That’s all. It’s [bull crap] and necessary and anyone can do it. You’re welcome.

Last PS, promise- A different friend sent me this article yesterday and it also really spoke to me, so maybe it will to you too! Again, there is a little bit of language, just so you know

Blowing Bubbles for God

*Now that I'm a mom, I'm trying to figure out the best way to write this public blog without overexposing my child. I'm not quite sure how I want to do this yet, so please bear with me as I might try different things in different posts moving forward*

Last Sunday I bore my testimony and I wanted to share on here what I shared at church.

Last weekend I was outside with my 1 1/2 year old son blowing bubbles. He wanted to try, so I gave him the bubble wand. For the next ten minutes or so, I watched him poke through the holes with his fingers, blow on the wand like it was a harmonica, another time like it was a flute, poke through the holes with his lips as he tried to blow through it, and eventually manage to get a few bubbles out by waving it around just the right way and then even by blowing just a teensy bit farther away from the wand.

In between each attempt he would dip dip dip the bubble wand back into the bottle to get more bubble solution on the wand.

I laughed at his attempts, but also was proud of him for trying for so long. 

He still hasn't quite figured out how it all works, but that's okay.

As I sat there watching him, I had the tiniest thought that I should bear my testimony the next day about watching my son blow bubbles. I thought about how much he has learned in his short life so far and how every single thing that is so easy for me has taken him a ton of trial and error, bumps and bruises, and lots and lots of messes. 

And then I thought about how we were put onto this earth to become like God. And about how God has had LOTS of time to perfect being God. We can't even begin to comprehend His timetable. And if I can look at my son's progress and laugh and be proud of every effort, then I think that it's a safe bet that our Heavenly Parents do the same.

They don't expect us to become perfect without mistakes and messes. And They watch our every effort with smiles and pride in Their eyes.

I think that sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves for not being who we want to be. Like, it took most of us over a year to get to a place in life where we could figure out how to use a fork, so why in the world do we expect much more complicated things to come to us without trying again and again?

It didn't seem to bother my son that in 10+ minutes of trying, he got a sum total of maybe 5 bubbles out of it. And it didn't bother me either. 

So maybe it's okay if we're still waving our bubble wands around and playing it like a flute. Maybe it's okay if after years of working to become like Christ, we are still making mistakes. I think that it's okay to be proud of any bubbles that we make, no matter how long it takes to make them because we know that we haven't given up.

Someday my son will be able to blow bubbles without a second thought.

And someday we will be able to live the gospel more naturally too.

Someday we will return to live with our Parents, having become like Them, and every stumble along the way will have been worth it.

We just have to keep dip dip dipping the bubble wand until we get there.

Personal, Spiritual Growth Talk

I was asked to share the talk that I gave in church today, so figured I'd go ahead and just copy and paste it into my blog. 

I was asked to speak on personal growth from a spiritual aspect. I'm back living in the ward that I grew up in from 12 years old until I served my mission, so many of the people here have watched me grow in all of the ways. 

I haven't really proofread it, so please forgive any errors! I hurt my back earlier this week, so this talk was honestly written mostly last night, though I've been thinking about it all week while recovering. I gave it almost straight from the paper as I was still not feeling great this morning, so what you're about to read is almost exactly what was said in sacrament meeting today. 

I hope you enjoy it!

In primary we learn the basic answers for living a righteous life; study the scriptures, pray, go to church, be nice to others, be reverent, etc. Those are the answers to almost every question. We learn that God loves us and that Jesus died for us and that that was important for some reason. As we get older we expand on that a little bit more. We learn stories from the scriptures that demonstrate faith. We come to understand more about why Christ died. We learn more about what He taught when He was alive and what he taught when He came back. Not all of the stories always made total sense to us, but it all ultimately came down to a few things. We should study, pray, go to church, be nice to others. God loves us and Jesus died for us. 

Then we start to get more in depth. We learn about the priesthood, modesty, all of the little do's and don'ts. Again, we know that they are important, but maybe don't fully understand why.

When I was in Young Women's, I felt pretty confident that I was living the gospel "right". I studied and prayed every day, I went to church on Sundays and mutual activities on Wednesdays. I loved church and loved learning about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I loved feeling like I was following all of the rules. I dressed modestly, didn't swear, tried to serve others. I was missing quite a lot still though. I would often scrutinize what the other girls were wearing to see if they were up to standard. I would judge those who dated before they were sixteen. I honestly was trying to help when I reminded others of the "rules", but I was missing some very important things. 

******It helps to understand here that I was the ONLY Young Woman for a year and a half and then was at least 3 years older than every other girl once more started coming up. So I felt very much like I needed to be a good example to them and teach them how to do things "right"**********

I was really good at recognizing the good in my non-member friends. I knew that they believed differently than I did, and so it was much easier to not judge them. I talked to my friends about the gospel all the time, but wasn't pushy. I didn't shove the gospel down their throats. If they didn't understand or accept the gospel, that was hard for me, but understandable. 

But if you were a member, I fully expected you to live the gospel the way that I thought that it was supposed to be lived. I still loved and learned a lot from the members in my life of course, but I was quicker to notice if someone still had extra ear piercings, tattoos, or skipped church to go hunting than if they were service minded, had a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon, or put a lot of thought into their lessons.

And even though I followed all of the rules, I greatly struggled with really feeling a closeness to Christ. I KNEW that He was there and that He loved me. I KNEW that Heavenly Father listened to my prayers. But I didn't FEEL them. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting answers to prayers when I was doing all of the standard primary answers, following For the Strength of Youth, etc. I was convinced that I must be doing something wrong still for me to not be recognizing the Holy Ghost in my life, but I had no idea what. I had many tear-filled conversations with my Dad about it and he assured me that I felt the Holy Ghost more than I realized. But I felt like, shouldn't I KNOW if I was feeling the Spirit?

Preparing for a mission gave me a huge aha moment. As I studied Preach My Gospel and got to the chapter about recognizing the Holy Ghost, I learned that there were SO many more ways to receive communication with God than just the warm, fuzzy, burning-in-the-bosom feeling that is most talked about. I also learned what dispensations were and why it was so important for a Restoration to happen. I had learned about and lived the gospel my whole life and yet didn't know, or maybe just didn't fully understand, the fundamental teachings that are essential for converts to know and understand before they're baptized. It's like a whole new world of the gospel was opened up for me. I soaked in every little thing in the MTC and every Zone and District meeting. 

I truly believe that serving a mission was absolutely necessary for me and my spiritual growth. The prompting to serve a mission was the first time that I could say with complete confidence that I got an answer to a prayer. And it is clear to me now why it was so important for me to serve. 

I honestly had a really, really tough mission. I struggled with my health throughout, to the point where I was almost sent home a couple of times. I had notoriously difficult companions. And I didn't have what many would call a "successful" mission. It was incredibly hard to find people to teach where I was. Very few people spoke English, and those who did were often unaccountable because they had fried their brains with drugs or else had severe mental problems. 

And yet I can honestly say that I loved my mission and that it is the best thing that I have ever done. 

It was as a missionary that I learned to truly love people for who they were. And don't get me wrong, I've always been a pretty compassionate and loving person, but this was different. I learned to look at everyone and picture them in white. To see them as the children of God that they are. To have a love for them on sight and an intense desire to lead them home to their Heavenly Father. I learned that rules and standards are important, but intentions and testimony or just as key. I learned that some of the strongest testimonies come from those with the craziest pasts. I truly came to understand that God cares a lot more about your presence in church than about what you're wearing when you're there. That smelling cigarette smoke in the chapel is more of an indication of a person's desire to change than it is of their desire to sin. 

I also learned that understanding revelation often is incredibly difficult. That it is a learned skill that needs to be worked at. That everyone experiences the influence of the Holy Ghost differently and that it sometimes takes time and effort to discern what your style of communication is. I also learned that that is okay. That it is okay if I don't always feel like I got an answer to my prayer. Or if I don't understand the answer that I received. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

I learned that what Heavenly Father really wants is for us to try our best. And I learned that my best is determined by Him, not by me. 

As probably most missionaries do, I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. Especially because I was sick so, so often, I felt like I was letting EVERYONE down. My companion, the ward that I was serving in, every single person that lived in that area, and, most significantly, God. It's like I could just feel His disappointment. Everyone told me to just do my best. And I was trying really, really hard, but WAS it my best? There was always more that I could be doing. 

I'm not sure exactly when the lightbulb flipped on in my brain, but at some point I realized that Heavenly Father wasn't looking down at me in disappointment. He looked down and was so incredibly proud of me. He looked down and thought "look at how hard she's trying and how much she cares." And sure, He was just as aware of my weaknesses and inadequacies as I was. But He loved me enough to see past those into my heart. He wasn't this disapproving being frowning down at me, but a loving Father who was at my side through every difficult turn. 

Don't get me wrong, I had grown up learning that God loved me. I studied about how God is our loving Heavenly Father in Preach My Gospel. But for some reason that just never seemed to apply to ME in the same way that I applied it to everyone else. 

The year or so after my mission is when I tend to feel that I was the best that I've ever been. I still studied and prayed every day, went to church every Sunday, dressed modestly, and didn't swear. But I also was more merciful and compassionate to those around me, and also to myself. I could look at people that lived the gospel differently than I did and appreciate their personal faith and testimonies and that it was okay if they showed their love for the Lord a little bit differently than I did. 

Okay, I feel like I've talked about the main, institutional milestones of spiritual growth in my life. But I want to talk about one more thing. 

The rest of our lives.

I honestly believe that the best ways to grow spiritually are the everyday, standard primary answers, but more especially that the best PLACE to grow spiritually is in the Gethsemanes of our lives. 

I'm talking about trials here. And not only every day trials, but big, honking, I never-could-have-imagined-this-ever-happening-to-me trials.

Throughout my whole life I have suffered trials that didn't seem typical to other people. The biggest one growing up was my mysterious medical problems that no one could figure out. Then out at college I faced abuse and eventually became the victim of a felony at the hands of my ex fiancé. Since then I have experienced (and continue to experience) more soul crushing trials. And I don't tell you this because I want you to pity me. I tell you this because it has been in the midst of these seemingly insurmountable trials that I have felt closest to my Heavenly Father.

There have been a few times when people have asked me why my faith never wavered through some of the things that I have experienced. And I remember the question catching me very much off guard the first time because for me, when I am in the middle of an intense trial, I often feel very much alone. And in those moments I honestly feel that the ONLY thing that I have to hold on to is my God. If I don't have Him, then what do I have?

During the trials that would have made others question their faith, I have held tighter and tighter to the knowledge that I am not alone, that I have an all powerful, mighty God in heaven that loves ME and is by MY side and listening to every single one of my tearful prayers. That is what has gotten me through every bit of pain and suffering that I have felt in my life.

It truly has been in the fires of affliction that I have felt most compelled to believe that there is someone who knows me and my pain. Who totally, completely understands me and my needs and is 100% on my side. Who wants my eternal happiness even more than I do.

It is in the hardest times that reading my scriptures, praying, fasting, going to church, and serving others are the most vital and bring me the most growth of spirit. Because those are the times that God's hand is most visible in my life. The times when I can recognize the angels on earth that He sends to me along with a multitude of other tender mercies. 

I wish that I could say that I feel like I am stronger than ever spiritually at this moment, but to be honest, I don't. The standard primary answers that I have clung to my entire life have gotten hard to do at times. I have felt incredibly worn out for the last few years. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. But I still firmly believe that God is real. That He loves me. That He sent His Son down to suffer for every little thing that I would suffer not only to pay for my sins, but to understand them. To understand ME. And I truly believe that the opportunity to repent is the greatest gift that I have ever been given. Because while it is hard to look at myself now and look at myself a few years ago and feel that I'm not as strong as I was, I know that it doesn't have to stay that way. I know that the path is clear and the door is always open to me. I know that Jesus Christ has felt what I am feeling right now and He understands my weaknesses and He also sees my strengths. And I know that even when my mind and body fail at times, He can help me to be strong in the spirit.

I want to bear my testimony that I know that wherever you are in life, God sees you. He sees your needs and He feels your pain. He is so proud of every step that you take towards Him, no matter how small it may seem to you. He is always there and He ALWAYS loves you. It is never too late, you have never become too weak or too far from Him. Spiritual growth isn't something that happens alone. It happens with Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

On the Rise

I've had this post in my mind for a while now but haven't really known how to write it exactly.

I guess to start, I'll share the inspiration for this post. There is a YouTube movie called Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog and in it there's a song called My Eyes (lyrics at the bottom). It's a juxtaposition between Dr. Horrible and his crush Penny's views on the world around them. Dr. Horrible only sees all of the bad around him while Penny focuses on the good. Their points of view are so completely on the opposite ends of the spectrum that Dr. Horrible feels himself becoming more evil as he looks around him while Penny feels more hopeful.

I already really, really liked this song, but with everything that's been going on in the world this year, this song has hit home more and more as I continue to listen to it.

Let's not beat around the bush. 2020 has been REALLY sucky in many, many ways. The apocalypse bingo memes just keep on coming as the weeks and months go on. There is sickness, loneliness, violence, lies, natural disasters, dangerous animals, and on and on and on. And it can be so easy to feel hopeless and frustrated and disbelieving of not only all that is happening, but also at the responses from other people that we see. People arguing, endangering others (whether Coronavirus related or rioting, police brutality, murdering related, etc.), and generally just being crappy to each other.

On the other hand, there's the oft shared quote from Mr. Rogers;

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

With great trials always comes great blessings. We have seen neighbors looking out for each other, teachers going the extra 100 miles to help their students, essential workers putting themselves in danger for the rest of us, celebratory parades, virtual baby showers and wedding receptions, virtual game nights, businesses doing a lot of extra things to help make sure that people can still do what they need to do as much as possible while still being safe, heck, even silly app games trying to make quarantine just a little more enjoyable.

Times like these bring out both the worst and the best in people. It's important not to get too caught up in one or the other. If we focus on the bad, it is easy to feel angry and alone, but also at times prideful as we see ourselves as superior to those who do or think things differently than us. If we focus only on the good, we miss important lessons that come from observing the bad. It's important to look on the bright side, but not so much that we're blinded to reality.

Lehi tells his son that there is "opposition in all things." And there is meant to be. As he says;

If not so,... righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

The bad times help us appreciate the good. The bad people help us recognize the good ones. Sickness helps us appreciate our health, social distancing helps us appreciate our friends, arguments help us appreciate civil, respectful discussion, corrupt cops help us appreciate the truly good cops, riots help us appreciate peaceful protest, and hurricanes and wildfires help us appreciate helping hands from strangers.

The bad also reminds us of the work that we still need to do. It reminds us that infrastructures need to be examined and improved, individual emergency preparedness needs to be worked on (toilet paperpocalypse anyone?), basic hygiene practices still need to be normalized (proper hand washing), factual researching needs to be learned, and racism still needs to be squashed.

We are in the middle of a refiner's fire. We can come out of this gleaming and beautiful; having become more helpful, understanding, compassionate, hardworking people. Or we can come out of this as a mottled lump of unusable metal; disgruntled, judgmental, self-righteous, and combative.

What we become depends entirely on how we perceive all that is happening around us. Is evil on the rise? Harmony? Maybe a little bit of both? How we react to the trials set before us will determine which wins out in the end. One can overtake the other. Which will we choose?

It is completely okay to feel overwhelmed, sad, afraid, and even angry about the circumstances that the world is in right now. But it is also very much okay to feel grateful, hopeful, relaxed, and happy. It's great to enjoy the time that we are being given to spend at home. To spend time on ourselves, our families, and our homes. To take the time to renovate, rejuvenate, and reconnect. But it's also okay if you are instead just trying to make it through all of this.

Remember that we'll all be out in the world someday and we will get to choose what things "going back to normal" looks like. It can include prioritizing relationships a little bit more. It can include continuing to work on new or old talents or hobbies. It can include better discussions about things that we disagree with or simply do not understand. It can include change in how we view and treat those who are different from us. All of those things are completely up to us.

Let us recognize both the good and the bad that is on the rise today. But let us let the bad help us to appreciate the good and also fight just that much harder for the good. Let it bring us closer to one another as fellow human beings. We're all just doing the best that we can here.

What do you feel is on the rise in your life? If it's not what you want, then maybe a shift in perspective is all you need to help you support the rise of what is good and right instead.

Life isn't all black or all white. It's a myriad of colors that all flow together to help us to learn and grow. Don't be afraid to acknowledge both the good and the bad in the world. Don't be afraid to recognize the evils in this world. But also don't be afraid to recognize the blessings that come from the trials.

Let us take this opportunity to learn how to allow light to rise up in our lives, communities, and nations. Let us learn to snuff out the darkness around us by our actions and reactions.

Ultimately, we choose what is on the rise.

PS- Before the lyrics to My Eyes, I wanted to share some of the things that have been going on this year. Most will have heard about the bad things, so I'm not going to put links on all of them. There are a couple that have had very mixed reactions as well that I'm going to list. Please feel free to do your own research on them! I am going to link some of the good that has been seen in the midst of it all though. There are many good stories out there, but I am especially interested in the ones that directly correlate with the bad (as you will see below).

If you know of more good stories related to the bad happening around us, please share them in the comments either on Facebook or on this blog post.

Some bad:

Coronavirus
Police corruption in cases such as Breonna Taylor and George Floyd
Murder of five year old Cannon Hinnant
Firefighter's wallet stolen while he was working on fighting a fire
Property damage and looting during rioting
Wild fires
Hurricane Laura
Explosion in Beirut
Poisoning of candidate opposing Putin in the Russian presidential election

Some mixed reaction:
Kyle Rittenhouse
Jacob Blake

Some good:
Couple serves their cancelled wedding reception food at a homeless shelter
Pets are reunited with their owners after the Beirut explosion
Teachers turn their students' desks into Jeeps to make the glass and distancing less weird
Some instances of good cops helping PoC


PPS- Lyrics to My Eyes:

HORRIBLE
Any dolt with half a brain
Can see that humankind has gone insane
To the point where I don’t know
If I’ll upset the status quo
If I throw poison in the water main

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise

PENNY
Look around
We’re living with the lost and found
Just when you feel you’ve almost drowned
You find yourself on solid ground

And you believe
There’s good in everybody’s heart
Keep it safe and sound
With hope, you can do your part
To turn a life around

I cannot believe my eyes
Is the world finally growing wise
‘Cause it seems to me
Some kind of harmony
Is on the rise

HORRIBLE (overlapping with Penny below)
Anyone with half a brain
Could spend their whole life howling in pain
‘Cause the dark is everywhere
And Penny doesn’t seem to care
That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise

PENNY
Take it slow
He looks at me and seems to know
The things that I’m afraid to show
And suddenly I feel this glow

And I believe
There’s good in everybody’s heart
Keep it safe and sound
With hope, you can do your part
To turn a life around

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s finally growing wise
And it’s plain to see
Rapture inside of me is on the rise

"To Be Human"

"Because to be human means to be capable of feeling more than one thing at one time."
-"A Take On Perspective"

These past few weeks I've been quietly watching the world argue about George Floyd, riots, protests, Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, etc. and have kind of been afraid to say anything because I really don't need arguments on my page right now. But I have also really WANTED to say something because I deeply hate racism and keeping quiet doesn't help anything.

I don't pretend to know everything about everything.

I don't know how much of the police system is corrupt. But I do know that there are a lot of wonderful police officers who are doing their best to make the world around them a safer and better place. I also know that there absolutely are officers that abuse their power and use it to hurt others.

I don't know much about racism. I know that there is a lot more of it out there than a lot of people want to believe. I know that black people deal with a wide range of responses to the color of their skin. I also know that black people are just as much people as anyone else.

I know that Black Lives Matter doesn't mean that lives of other races don't matter or don't matter as much. It means that Black Lives Matter too. It means that Black Lives have suffered a great deal in ways that other lives haven't and that that needs to change. It doesn't mean that white lives, Asian lives, Hispanic lives, and all other race, color, and religion's lives don't also have suffering in them. But that right now, Black Lives are lives that we do need to work on improving.

I grew up half in Maryland and half in Pennsylvania. In MD, I lived in an area that was a huge melting pot. I had friends/went to school with kids that were black, white, Chinese, Korean, Pakistani, Hispanic, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, and more. And in my mind, they were all the same. I was aware of the differences and aware of the discrimination that many of them faced, but to ME, they were all just people. My best friends were white-Uruguayan, and Filipino. I liked learning about their cultures and trying the yummy foods that their parents made. I liked hearing the different languages that were sometimes spoken.

I also spent a lot of time at my neighbor's house where everyone was black. I never felt like I was in danger or that I was different than them inside. I did notice that they took care of their hair very differently, but that was about it. And I thought that it was really neat to see how they did.

However, there were also neighborhoods that were predominantly black that I knew were dangerous. Places that (if they had been close enough for me to go to on my own) I would never walk around on my own. I never thought that they were dangerous because of the skin color of the people that lived there, but because of the type of people that they were. The way that they personally acted.

When we moved to PA, I was extremely uncomfortable with my new environment of 99% white. Even though I'm white. I hated a lot of things about living in an (almost) all white community. I hate that people would say things like "I'm not racist, but I could never marry a black man" or "I just don't see how people find black men attractive!" I hated that everyone ate the same few foods all the time and that my friend wouldn't even try curry when my parents made it when they came to my house. Not all of the white people were the same of course, but the overall majority did have very similar views and tastes when it came to diversity.

I am so incredibly grateful that I lived in Maryland first. That my most formative years were spent learning to see people for who they are on the inside. What they think and believe and how they act. Learning that color does matter to a lot of people, but that it shouldn't.

What happened to George Floyd is abominable. It is a very clear example of a lack of respect for human life as well as the corruption that can be found within positions of authority. It is a blatant example of racism and needs to be addressed accordingly.

I don't agree with rioting, but I can understand why riots happen. Sometimes people see it as the only way to be heard after seeing so many peaceful protests not only ignored, but railed against. Sometimes riots don't begin as riots, but as peaceful protest. But then are escalated either by opposers fighting against the protesters, or opposers infiltrating the protest and instigating violence from the inside. I don't know which instance has happened which times. The issue remains the same though. If racism was properly addressed in both governments and individual lives and communities, then riots would cease to happen.

I don't know as much about racism as I should in order to help things. But I do know that it is real and that the best way to stop it is to stop arguing and take a second to just learn.

The quote that I put at the top hit me hard and helped me to find the courage to post. I highly recommend reading the article that it came from.

It is possible to feel sorrow for George Floyd, frustration, fear, and confusion about the riots, pride at the protests, and simple uncertainty about the situation as a whole.

I don't support rioting, but I do support those who are fighting for rights that should have been wholly available to all long before now. I don't support police shaming, but I do support those who have seen and experienced police corruption. I believe that ALL lives matter, but I will never respond to Black Lives Matter with All Lives Matter because of course they do. But Black Lives are what we're addressing at the moment.

And I'm sure that there is corruption within the Black Lives Matter movement just as there is in the police system. But that doesn't invalidate the entire movement just as the corrupt cops don't invalidate the efforts of cops that bust their butts to keep communities safe.

It's okay to feel conflicting emotions about what is going on. In fact, it's completely natural. And not only that, it shows that you are honestly trying to consider and understand all sides of the situation. And that is how it should be! Situations like this remind me that there is a lot that I have to learn about not only how to treat people personally, but how to understand them and where they come from and where they stand. It's a reminder that there is a lot that I don't know, but that that can change.

I hope that I have been able to accurately express how I have been feeling.

It needs to be acknowledged that while not all cops are corrupt, many are. And that needs to be fought against. It needs to be acknowledged that while all lives matter, Black Lives are repeatedly treated as if they don't, or that they matter less. And that needs to be fought against. It needs to be acknowledged that we can't acknowledge every issue all at the same time. It's okay to focus on one at a time. Acknowledging one issue (like discrimination against black people) doesn't mean that you don't also acknowledge another (like discrimination against Jews). Black Lives Matter doesn't mean that the lives of unborn children don't also matter, or the lives of Asians, or Muslims, or people with mental or physical disabilities. But what we are currently talking about is black lives.

Lastly, it needs to be acknowledged that it's okay to not know exactly where you stand or what to believe. There are infinite sides to every story and we shouldn't be expected to know every single one. But it IS important to always be looking to learn more.

Of course all lives matter. But Black Lives Matter too. And that's what we're talking about right now.

The Blessings and Dangers of Potential

In the past week I've found myself discussing a certain General Conference quote with two different people in two different situations. You may have guessed that it's the one above.

I love this quote!

I also really, really hate it.

I'm going to go off of that for a bit, but I promise I'll get back to the quote.

Dating in the church can be super confusing I think. On the one hand, we see examples of amazing couples in the apostles and their spouses. We listen to talks where people praise their eternal companions and talk about how God brought them together in a specific way. We start to feel like there is one single person that is right for us and that we need to know by revelation that we've found them. And then we expect everything to be wonderful.

On the other hand, we also hear things like "any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage" which gives the idea that maybe we need to stop being so picky and just choose someone to love and stick with them.

Both of these ideas have value. I definitely believe that God should be included in your decision of who to marry and that He can help you to find a good spouse. I don't think that He wants you to "settle" any more than you do. I also believe, though, that there is so much more to finding a spouse than falling in love, praying about it, and getting married and living happily ever after.

I felt really good about marrying my ex fiance. I loved him deeply, was willing to work through any hardship, and prayed fervently to know that he was the right choice. In moments of doubt, I was reassured by the Spirit that he was the right choice for me. I was fully expecting my happily ever after.

That didn't happen. And I don't think that it didn't happen because it couldn't have been good. As expressed in my most popular post, I really do think that things could have worked out for us. We wouldn't have had a perfect marriage, but we could have worked through anything together with the Lord.

It didn't happen because he made decisions that made it wrong. And once he used his agency to do that and rejected every opportunity to improve (and he definitely had the opportunity, trust me), then it was made clear by his arrest that he was not the right one for me after all.

I am now married to a wonderful man who I love dearly. And we were definitely brought together in an unusual way that was highly influenced by the Holy Ghost.

When I met Jonathan, I had no desire to date him. For one, I simply wasn't interested in him, but more than that, I was simply terrified of dating at the time. Plus he was someone new and that was especially scary. Even when I did kind of start to like him, and even once we actually started dating, I was constantly contemplating an out. I didn't want to hurt like I had (and still was) again. And he was going to be leaving at the end of the semester and long distance had been hard enough when my life was going well. There was NO WAY that I could handle it with my life in shambles. So while I liked him a lot, I figured we'd break up at the end of the semester. If we got back together when he got back in five months, great! If not, that was fine too. I just couldn't handle any more stress and pain.

Over the five weeks that we dated before he left for Ohio, I had a realization that I wanted to keep dating him. I really, really didn't want to do that because of the aforementioned long distance, but I also really, really did. I didn't even totally know why I did. It simply felt like the right thing to do.

And then Heavenly Father made it clear that I was going to marry this guy. Again, I wanted to marry him, but I also wanted to take alllllllllll of the time to do it. I had been engaged before, been so close to having everything that I had ever wanted (or so I thought), and I did NOT want to put myself back in that position only to have my heart ripped to shreds a second time. No, I was more than happy to do the dreaded long distance thing again, then date Jonathan some more when he got back. And THEN, and only then, could we get engaged.

But God had other plans and let me know very clearly that that wasn't what He had in mind for us. And so we got engaged before he left for Ohio and got married before summer ended.

Now let me tell you something:

Marriage is HARD. And getting married so fast has made it even harder. We didn't get the time that I wanted to get to know each other better, see each other in every situation, and make sure that we really were compatible. We didn't get the time to see if we were really capable of helping each other get what we each want to out of life.

Our long distance relationship was made even more difficult by the fact that due to Jonathan's summer job, we literally had hardly any time at all to talk. So we didn't have all of the conversations that I would have liked to have had.

Our wedding day really was one of the happiest days of my entire life, but I really was marrying a virtual stranger.

We've been married for a year and a half now and in some ways, it's been the hardest year and a half of my life. Which is saying something considering all that I've been through.

But let me get back to that quote.

I didn't marry the perfect person for me. I married someone with the potential to be the perfect person for me.

Jonathan and I both have many, many things that we need to work on both individually and as a couple. But what's important is that we both desperately want to be the best person for each other. We both recognize that we have faults, have made mistakes, have our own brands of brokeness, and that we've got a long way to go. And we're willing to take the time to work on all of those things.

I don't expect Jonathan to be perfect right now, but I do see so, so much potential in him. And in the meantime, he's a dang good husband in SO many ways.

Potential, mixed with a sincere desire to reach said potential, is a wonderful, powerful thing!

The problem is that as we are looking for a spouse, it can be only too easy to focus a little bit too much on the potential and not enough on what is currently in front of us. We're not going to find a finished product, but there are varying degrees of being a "work in progress" and they matter.

My ex had, and still has, amazing potential! And this was a really tricky case because it really did seem like he was working hard to reach it. But in all reality, all of those efforts were a facade hiding all of the horrible things that he was actually doing.

Much of the time though, there really doesn't seem to be much effort going into becoming a better person, but we still hyper-focus on the potential that we saw when we first fell in love with them. We tell ourselves that it's unreasonable to expect perfection right away, which is true, but then we get into the dangerous territory of potential. It is good to see potential in others, but at the same time, it's not good to go into a relationship- or stay in a relationship -expecting the other person to change in a big way.

There were so, so many red flags with my ex. But I sincerely believed in his potential and that things would get better as time went on. That he would change.

What happened instead is that he manipulated me into compromising to accommodate the red flags. He gas lighted me over time and broke me down so much that I went along with whatever he wanted. All while still telling myself that the potential that I had seen was still there and that he could still reach it if I was just patient and loving enough.

And that is the danger of potential.

You should never marry someone expecting them to change. Or worse, expecting to change or "fix" them.

Not that you should expect everything to be perfect right off the bat or not believe that they have the potential to be better, but that just because someone could be great doesn't mean that they are going to be.

There's a balance that needs to be met; potential and a desire and willingness to improve. And I'll be honest, in abusive relationships, it's really easy for the other person to convince you that they really are trying. It's easy because you want so badly for it to be true. But then there's just this vicious cycle of being convinced that things will get better, then things getting way worse again, then them convincing you again that they love you and will be better. So this balance is easy to talk about and extremely difficult to actually identify at times.

My point is, we absolutely do marry potential. But we need to be so aware that potential isn't everything. Compatibility, intent, and a sincere willingness to work through any hardship together, still need to be in the equation.

Can any good man and any good woman make it work? I guess so. But are we really expected to just find someone to love and then stick with them no matter the cost? Not exactly. Not if you are not both putting in the work. And that's exactly what tends to be missing from the "any good man" quote when people talk about it. I've heard it referenced many times, but writing this post is the first time that I actually looked it up myself. This is the whole quote:

“Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.

There are some really, really important parts left out when we talk about that quote. It's not just "any", it's "almost any". And it's only if both people are willing to put in the work.

I was more than willing to put in the work with my ex. And I did. I put in all of the work. But that's not enough. He needed to meet me halfway and he didn't.

This whole potential thing only works when each person recognizes not only the potential in the other person, but also the potential in themselves. When we choose to work on reaching our own potentials as well as supporting and encouraging the other person to reach their's.

I was talking to a friend recently who is a recovering addict and has been doing really well for a while now. I asked him what the best thing that his wife has done that has helped him in his recovery and his answer really stuck with me. He told me that what helped him the most is when she started to work on her own recovery. Not that she was an addict, but she suffered from the effects of being married to one and that requires it's own recovery process.

He had started going through the motions of recovery previously, but it wasn't until he saw her putting in the work on herself that he was really spurred into working on his recovery with real intent.

In order for a marriage to work, it's important to recognize that no, your spouse is not perfect; but neither are you. Then once you've acknowledged that, get to work. Work on yourself and becoming the best you that you can be. And support and encourage your spouse to work hard and become the best person that they can be. Some goals can be worked on as a team, but some will need to be worked on individually. What's important is that you are BOTH putting in the work.

Every marriage has the potential to be amazing if a good man and a good woman love each other, and themselves, enough to work hard to make it amazing.

So yeah, you don't marry perfection and you should definitely not expect to, even with all of the revelation in the world telling you that that person is a good fit. I was definitely strongly guided to marry my Jonathan. Not because he's perfect and has been exactly what I've needed at every juncture, but because we have the potential to make a great life together.

Absolutely marry potential, but absolutely be ready to work hard on your own potential and make dang certain that the other person is ready to work on their's too. Neither of you are going to reach those potentials right away. So don't expect that. But expect constant effort from both. It's going to be trial and error, success and failure, but with time, and with the Atonement of Jesus Christ, you really can reach perfection someday. Not in this life, but in the next. But only if you work with your spouse, they work with you, and you both work with God.

Potential is a really beautiful thing. It's the knowledge that no one is stuck the way that they are; that we all have the opportunity to be better than what we are today. And I am so grateful that the Atonement of Jesus Christ gives us that opportunity to improve. Just remember that while everyone has the opportunity, they also have the choice whether or not to take it.

Be willing to take it and then find someone who is also willing to take it.

The rest of the paragraph from which the infamous "potential" quote comes says it all:

That said, none of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she—who’s going to be my companion—wants and needs me to be.

If you find someone that you love, who loves you, who you are willing to strive be the best for, and who is willing to strive to be the best for you, marry them. That's the kind of potential that we're looking for here. You're not going to find someone that is perfect. And heck, you're not perfect, so why should you expect to marry someone that is?

No, you're going to marry someone that has the potential to progress towards perfection as you do the same. And if you find that person, life is going to be challenging, but it will also be wonderful. Reaching our full potentials is an arduous effort, but it is worth it. And when you do it together with someone you love, it is a beautiful thing.


Ps- The talks that I referenced in this post are Meetings the Challenges Today's World and Oneness in Marriage

Three Years Later

Guys, I look back at my past posts and see so much hope and determination in them. Yes, I talk about my struggles. Yes, I talk about just how difficult things were for me. But I was always able to end with the belief and knowledge that things would get better. That I would get better.

It's been three years since my ex-fiance was arrested and to be honest, I'm still not okay. Not even close.

And I look back at those posts and read about cutting myself slack, not putting a timeline on healing, trusting in the Lord and His will and timing, etc. and they're so true!!! But man oh man, those things are becoming harder and harder to implement as time goes on. And I really struggle to cut myself slack. And I really struggle to understand why Heavenly Father is allowing this healing process to drag on and on. And I really struggle to not constantly ask myself what I'm doing wrong.

Okay pause.

I wrote those first three paragraphs on a night that I was really, REALLY struggling. And every word is true and I feel/think those things on a regular basis. But I stopped writing there and I've been thinking a lot about the past three years and where I was and where I am now.

And yeah, I get extremely frustrated when I think of who I was before my ex's arrest vs. who I am now. I often still feel very broken and confused. I wonder why I can't seem to heal, why I still haven't been able to hold a job or get back into schooling. I beat myself up because I know things that would help me (eating better, exercising, getting on a sleep schedule, etc), but I can't seem to get myself to do them.

BUT.

I also have been thinking a lot and trying to see the ways that I HAVE made progress. And sometimes those things are really hard to see. But I think especially about how I was when Jonathan and I first got married vs. how I am now and I really can see so much progress!

When we first got married, panic attacks were a very regular occurrence. I was easily set off by triggers like school buses, police cars, or physical intimacy, but also by simply being startled or something small going wrong in my day.

I struggled to disassociate my ex from love in general. When I thought the words "I love you," his name followed after those words in my head automatically.

I still struggle with plenty of anxiety and depression. I still get triggered occasionally. I still very much struggle with the abuse mindset. But it's better than it was.

Let me say it again.

IT'S BETTER THAN IT WAS.

And that's what I have to hold on to.

Because it's so easy to get overwhelmed when I get triggered when it hasn't happened in a long time. It's so easy to see all of the things that I still can't do. It's so, SO easy to feel like I'm not getting anywhere at all and like I'm stuck in limbo. But it's not true. All of my baby steps have amounted to something. I am a little bit better at the end of year three than I was at the end of year two, or year one.

In year one, it was a literal miracle that I was able to date one of my best friends, even if it was for only a short while. In year two I got engaged and married! And in year three I'm going to bear a child.

I still have so, so very far to go. And yeah, I'm still going to get frustrated and feel stuck, and get in my own way at times; but I am getting better. And no, it's not nearly as quickly as I'd like and there is still so much fear and uncertainty and bitterness at times. But I'm getting there and I will continue to make progress because I refuse to let my experiences with my ex keep me down.

I wish that I could say that in a year I overcame all. But I can't. I can't even say that it happened in three years. I'm likely going to be fighting aspects of these demons for many years to come. And that doesn't sound very hopeful and it does sound pretty discouraging but it's true. The important thing isn't how long I fight though. It's that I keep fighting and never, ever back down.

If I can do that, then next year I'll be better than I was. And the year after that I'll be even better. And even more so the year after that. And that's what this life is all about. We're not expected to be perfect right away. We're expected to try our best and keep trying our best until the very end. And then guess what? We're STILL not going to be perfect! Because we can't be on our own. We're expected to live our lives the best way that we can and then give the rest up to the Lord. HE is the one who will make me whole again. I just have to keep pushing forward until that day comes.

Three years later, I'm still pretty much a hot mess. But I'm better than I was and that is something to be proud of.

What Am I More Afraid Of?

I was talking to a friend today about recovery, whether that be recovery from addiction, recovery from trauma, etc. and I realized something about myself;

The biggest reason that it's being so hard for me to recover is because I am just as afraid of recovery as I am of not recovering.

Let me see if I can explain.

I don't know exactly how to heal, but I do know a lot of things that would help. Eating better, getting on a decent sleep schedule, exercise, doing a hobby, working with a therapist, bettering my personal study and prayer habits, etc. And I think that I've talked before about how the things that will help the most are the things that PTSD and chronic illness make most difficult to do, but I want to delve a little bit deeper into that idea.

Recovering is really hard. It takes a lot of hard work and it takes a lot of pain.

I have had a handful of people suggest that I try the therapy method called EMDR. The gist of what that does (as explained to me by my EMDR-trained therapist) is that it is moving traumatic memories from the emotional side of the brain to the logical side of the brain. I won't try to explain how they do that because I only kind of understand, but I have talked to people that have been majorly helped by it! However, one of my friends that suggested it did say that going through that process made for a very difficult and painful few months. Nevertheless, I did seek out a therapist that could do EMDR with me because I do so badly want to recover and get into a better mental/emotional state of mind.

I absolutely LOVE the therapist that I worked with in Ohio, but I only ended up doing EMDR a couple of times. We did it two sessions in a row and then we weren't able to do it for various reasons for a few weeks. And then I just never picked back up on it because life was really, really hard last year and I was struggling enough with the NOW issues and couldn't bear to try to handle the THEN issues on top of it.

And that's when my fear of recovery took over.

I knew that continuing EMDR would likely be very helpful for me, but I was terrified of the pain I also knew would accompany it.

Honestly, even just starting up therapy again is super daunting for me, because when I had to start over in Ohio, it brought back anxiety and triggers that I hadn't been facing in a while. Clearly I hadn't healed of those things or else they wouldn't have come back with so much force when I had to start therapy from scratch. Just talking about my life without EMDR was enough to send me reeling emotionally. So then when things got so hard in my life after I finally DID start EMDR, I felt that there was no way that I could possibly handle the additional pain and suffering that EMDR would bring. But that also meant that I wasn't going to be achieving the healing that I have so desperately wanted and needed.

We just moved back across the country and I'm going to have to start all over again. And life hasn't stopped being really difficult in the here and now. And starting over is going to be that much harder as I go through these last few months of pregnancy and then onto motherhood with Liam outside the womb. But as terrified as I am of the pain of the recovery process, I am equally (if not more) terrified of not recovering.

I have been in recovery from abuse and trauma for just about three years now and I feel like I'm no closer to my goals of getting back to school and finishing my degree or being able to hold a regular job again. Some progress has been made in some areas of my recovery, but many others have been left untouched because of fear and the feeling that I simply can't handle the hard work that it takes to recover.

But I don't want to keep feeling broken. I don't want to keep feeling weaker and weaker. I don't want Liam to be raised by a broken mother. I want to be better for him. I want to be better for my husband. I want to be better for me. I've felt so, so tired of being broken for so long, but I have been unwilling to re-break so that things can be set properly (think of a broken bone that has set incorrectly and has to be re-broken in order to be put into the optimal healing position).

Guys, I'm terrified. I'm terrified of starting over. I'm terrified of adding more stress and pain and exhaustion (both mental and physical) to my already stressful and painful and exhausting life. But I'm MORE terrified of not moving forward. I'm more terrified of remaining stagnant, which is to say, regressing.

Recovery from anything is not ever going to be an easy road. Recovery from addiction is going to involve withdrawal, retraining your mind, breaking down barriers, etc. Recovery from a wound may require the sting of antiseptic, the excruciating pain of physical therapy to break down scar tissue or injured muscles in order to strengthen them back up correctly. Recovery from trauma is going to include facing painful memories, increased depression/anxiety, the return or triggers and nightmares, the complete debilitating exhaustion that it all brings. But the healing is worth it. I have to keep telling myself that. Being able to be a better wife to Jonathan, mother to Liam, and daughter of God are all worth it. All of it. Every single moment of distress. Every single terrifying moment. And I need to remember that as terrifying as recovery is, NOT recovering leaves me in a horrible place while recovery will, in time, lead me to a much, much better one.

The only person that can dictate my recovery is me. No one else can make me recover. No one else can force me to do the hard things. No one can face these fears for me. I have to decide that not recovering is scarier than the difficulty of recovery.

And I'm trying guys. And I've been trying for three years. But I haven't been trying hard enough. I've been trying my very best, but I haven't been trying hard enough. I need to bite the bullet and do every single thing that it takes to heal. I deserve to heal.

And so do you.

No one can recover for you, but you are also not alone in this.

My friend that I was talking to said something to the effect of "recovery requires connection." Not that someone else is responsible for your recovery, but that we need other people in order to make it. People to love us, people to support us, people to be accountable to.

We are not in this alone. We were never meant to be.

Heavenly Father sent His Only Begotten Son down to earth for this exact reason; so we would never, ever go through tribulation alone. Because we can't.

I can't do this alone. I can't heal all by myself. The responsibility for my recovery rests on my shoulders, but I have a God who has sent people into my life, Christ being one of them, to not carry the burden for me completely, but to lighten the load. Christ is here to be equally yoked with us, taking our pains and our struggles and our fears and shouldering some of the weight of it all. He can't take it away completely until we let Him. But that takes difficult, painful, terrifying work.

And He is there for every moment of it.

PS- This is the same quote as the picture up top. It's been the background of my laptop for as long as I've had a laptop and I love it, but I feel like it looked a little bit too cheerful for the message of recovery being excruciating, so I found a different one. But I wanted to share this one too because recovery is also what gets us to a higher, holier, happier state of being.

PPS- It was actually seeing this on Facebook that spurred me writing this post right now:

Pregnant at Christmas

Guys, there's something really special about being pregnant over Christmas time.

I've watched the new Christ Child Nativity video a few times now and am struck each time by the moment when Mary is sitting against the wall, beginning to go into labor. I see her discomfort and pain. I see the concern in her husband's eyes as he seeks a place for his wife to bring forth a miracle. I see her fall to the hard, dirty floor of the stable and the fear in her eyes as she contemplates the pain that she knows that she is about to endure. I see her gain strength from her husband as he reassures her that she can do this, because he has seen her be so incredibly strong already for the last nine months. I see the love in their eyes as they look at the newborn Jesus. In that moment, He isn't only the Son of God. He is their son.

I see myself.

I see my husband.

I see my son.

I think of Mary traveling miles and miles on a donkey led by Joseph. I think of the cross country trip that we just took. I struggled so much with exhaustion, nausea, and pain throughout our journey, so Jonathan had to do the vast majority of the driving. I try to imagine traveling on the back of a donkey instead of in a car and I simply can't fathom it. Every little bump in the road as we drove caused a spike of pain or nausea for me. I can only imagine the pain and discomfort that Mary must have felt through their journey. And I think of Joseph, exhausted both from walking and from worrying about his sweet pregnant wife. And then I think of Jonathan, driving hours and hours at a time and then reminding me that I was doing a good job after I drove for a single hour.

I picture the clean hospital where Liam will be born. And then I think of the stable where Christ was born. I picture the loving concern that Jonathan will have for me as I lay on a sanitized bed, preparing to go through the pain of pushing and the subsequent recovery. I can so clearly picture Jonathan reassuring me that I can do this, just as Joseph seems to tell Mary in the video. I am sure that Joseph wished that there was a better place for Mary to give birth. That he felt just a little bit helpless as he watched his young wife push, but didn't let it show.

I think of Mary and Joseph looking down at their little baby and reflecting on the incomprehensible potential that He had. As they thought of the part that He was to play in Heavenly Father's great plan. I try to understand the mixed emotions that they must have had, looking down at their fragile little baby, but knowing the great things that He would accomplish in His lifetime. I wonder if they had any idea then of the suffering that their child would endure.

I think of looking at my own little baby boy in a few months. He will not be the Savior of the World, but his potential is also great. He will also bless the lives of many. He will also suffer much. It is sometimes so hard to picture our little baby going through life, learning, growing, helping, and hurting. But other times it is only too easy to picture the joy that he will bring to us and those around him. To imagine the moments that he will light up our lives when we struggle.

Mine and Mary's situations are vastly different. But there are still many similarities. I may not have traveled by donkey, but I have suffered much through this pregnancy and move and have faced much uncertainty. I have felt much of the same sorts of pain and discomfort that she would have felt. I, too, have a husband who loves and supports me through my pregnancy.

I may not be the mother of the Son of God, but I am the mother of one of His sons.

This Christmas season as I reflect upon the birth of Christ, I can't help but continually think of my own son. I am so grateful that Heavenly Father is entrusting one of His beloved children into our care. I am humbled to have the opportunity to hold a sliver of divinity within me and to have the opportunity to help shape and guide this precious child into a righteous saint.

Liam is my son. But he is first and foremost HIS son.

Becoming a mother (though I have not yet given birth), is an incredible experience, but also a little bit scary. I feel a great sense of responsibility on my shoulders to raise my son to the light and help him to want to make good choices in his life. And so I am eternally grateful to know that I am not in this alone. That Heavenly Father is with me and that He already sent His Only Begotten down to earth to pave the way for my son. Because of the babe in the manger, my own babe has every opportunity for growth and joy available to him.

I hope that we can all remember why we celebrate this time of year. That we all remember a young mother, her devoted husband, and their precious son who was born, lived, suffered, and died for us.

Merry Christmas everyone!


PS- I saw this song on Facebook and listening to it made my pregnant, mommy-heart cry as I again related Mary and her Son to myself and mine <3

PPS- I've always loved this picture of Joseph caring for baby Jesus as Mary sleeps. Sometimes I think that we don't think about Joseph enough at this time of year. He would have suffered much through this journey as well, and he, too, had to have great faith in the Lord, just as Mary did.

Date Who You Want to Raise, Be Who You Want to Raise

Ever since I got married, I've thought a lot about the type of example that my husband and I will set for our future children. Now that I'm pregnant, that thought has been on my mind even more and I've found that it all boils down to this:

Date who you want to raise, be who you want to raise.

Does your significant other treat you the way that you would want your child to be treated? Is the way that he/she makes you feel the way that you would ever want your child to feel? Do they treat you the way that you would want your child to treat another person? Especially one that they are supposed to love?

If the answer is no, then there are a couple of problems here. 1- YOU probably shouldn't be with that person, because if you wouldn't want someone else to be treated or treat someone the way that you are being treated, then you don't deserve to be treated that way either! 2- Your SO is who your child will be watching and learning from. If your SO treats you poorly, then your child will learn both that that is an acceptable way to treat someone and that it is an acceptable- or at least tolerable -way to be treated.

It's been really easy for me to pinpoint things about Jonathan that I'm concerned about our kids picking up because- surprise surprise -he's not a perfect person.

BUT. I have also been recognizing things within myself that I want to change because I don't want to teach them to my kids because guess what? I'm not a perfect person either.

And that is probably even more important than recognizing things in your SO. Sometimes in life, we end up in situations that are (or at least seem to be) inescapable. You can end up recognizing that you are in a bad situation, but not have a good out. And so you have to do the best with what you have.

Maybe you're married with kids to an abusive spouse, but you have no means to care for your children on your own, have no where to go, and/or are afraid that the legal system will let you down as it has let so many others down, leaving your children with the abuser without you there as a protection and buffer. In this case, you may not be able to separate your child from a bad example. But you can still set a good example for them.

Allow your children to see the imperfections. Teach them what to look out for, what is okay and what isn't. Help them to distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, even if the unacceptable behavior is in their own home.

Now I understand that this is easier said than done. You still live with the person and rely on them to a certain extent, or maybe you are separated and have partial custody of your child. I can see that this would be a difficult line to walk as you don't want to pit them against their parent, but also want them to be safe and well.

All I can say is that if you do your very best to be a good example, to show them how one person should treat another human being, then they at least will have the opportunity to discern for themselves what is right and what is wrong.

It is so important to be the person that you want your child to emulate. You, as their parent, are one of the people that they will spend the most time with in the formative years of their lives. If you want to raise a child that is kind to others, then you must be kind to others. If you want to raise a child that is patient in trials, then show them how to face trials with faith and hope.

If you are still in the phase of dating where you have an out (or even possibly in your marriage) and you find that the man or woman that you are with treats you or others in a way that you would never want your child to be treated or treat someone else, then get out now. Yes, people can change. Yes, growth and learning will occur in different stages of life. But you should never delve deeper into a relationship with someone that doesn't display acceptable traits right now.

I have found that it is often only too easy to allow ourselves to be mistreated. But if you look at your treatment of and from others through the lens of your (future) child, then you may get a more realistic view of how your love and emotions are being handled by someone else.

Don't allow yourself to be, or be with, a person that you would not want your child to learn from.

Date who you want to raise. Be who you want to raise.

Because they will be watching and learning from you every day of their lives.

For my husband and I, we are doing our best to recognize our faults and work on them so that we can be the best examples for our child that we can be. We support each other in this endeavor and do our best to be patient with each other's progress, slow as it may be at times. Neither of us are perfect right now, and we will not be in this life. But if our child can see us actively working on improving each day, then we will still be setting the kind of example that I want him to have.

Your child doesn't need you to be perfect. They need to see that you're not, but that you are willing to recognize that without wallowing in it and are willing to work on becoming better. If you were perfect, then your child would feel that they could never measure up to your example. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Then show your child what to do when a weakness is identified. That will be the best example of all.

It's not about being perfect or being with someone perfect. You don't have to be perfect to set a good example. You simply have to be trying your best. And that will be more than enough.

Some Things that I Know

Dear Baby,

It's your Mama here!

I don't know your name yet, or even which gender you are, but there are a few things that I do know;

I know that you're with me for a reason.

I know that I love you.

I know that I am bringing you into a scary world.

I know that I am bringing you into a wonderful world.

I know that you are going to change my life forever. You already have!

I know that life is going to be hard for you. Life always is.

I know that you are going to bless my life.

I know that I am going to bless yours.

I also know that we're going to get on each other's nerves sometimes. But I know that I'll love you anyway.

I know that your Daddy loves you.

I know that I want to soothe your fears when you are afraid.

I also know that I won't always be able to do that.

I know that Someone else can.

I know that He loves you.

I know that He will be there for you when I can't be.

I know that He will make up for what I lack.

I know that Daddy and I aren't parenting you alone.

I know that you have a set of perfect Parents, and a perfect Sibling, that will help raise you.

I know that life will be difficult, and scary, and sometimes seemingly impossible to handle.

But.

I know that you will never be alone.

I know that you will be watched over and protected.

I know that you will learn and grow.

I know that while Daddy and I aren't perfect, you do have a perfect Example.

I know that you will be okay.

I love you four sweetheart.

Love, Mommy


Ps- I wrote this earlier this week before we found out our baby's gender. I now know that we're having a baby boy!

Why Does She Get to Be Pregnant, But I Don't?

For those of you in my blog-o-sphere that don't already know, I'm pregnant!!! I'm about 15 weeks, due end of March/beginning of April. I've had a few tentative ideas for posts swirling around in my brain about pregnancy, but nothing has felt quite right yet.

Except for this one.

Oddly enough, this is one that I thought a lot about while we were trying to get pregnant, and may seem a bit odd to write about now that I actually am. But bear with me as I take a trip back to before my pregnancy.

I went off of birth control last October (Oct 2018) and we started trying to get pregnant. Not super avidly, I mean, I wasn't taking ovulation tests or keeping track of my basal temperature or anything, but we did keep an eye on my tentative ovulation date in my little period tracking app, but that was about it.

There were a couple of times where it seemed like I might be pregnant (late period, fatigue, extra nausea, etc) but wasn't. I took a couple of pregnancy tests each time and they were all negative, then I would start my period a couple of weeks later.

After about 8 months of trying, I still didn't get pregnant. My period had been kind of all over the place and I got to feeling worried/frustrated. I have quite a few friends that are struggling with infertility and I've read about some of the horrible things that they have been going through with fertility treatments, depression, etc. surrounding their fertility struggles.

I was becoming very afraid that that was my future. They say that once you've been trying for a year without success, that's when you should start looking into fertility issues. It had been over half of a year for me, so I was trying to brace myself for what might come.

And I started to think a lot about pregnancy and how unfair it seems to be. I thought about my friends that were struggling with fertility. People who would be bomb.com moms if they could only get pregnant. I also thought about all of the people that I know that have had miscarriages. Some one, some many. And then I thought about my friends who got pregnant while on birth control, who gladly welcomed their surprise, but weren't trying for it. And I thought about all of the women who get abortions because they didn't want to get pregnant, but didn't use protection and then wouldn't take responsibility for that decision. And I thought about the women who get pregnant because of sexual assault. And I came to the conclusion that this whole pregnancy roulette wheel is terribly unfair.

Why do those who are actively trying not to get pregnant end up with a baby?

Why do some women who have no respect for human life get pregnant at the drop of a hat, while those who desperately yearn for a child don't?

Why did people keep telling me "It's probably because you're so stressed. Stress messes with fertility" when girls who are raped (a highly stressful situation) get pregnant against their will?

Of course, there are also plenty of people who use protection and don't get pregnant, women who aren't responsible with sex but don't get pregnant, women who are raped and don't get pregnant, and also plenty of women who get pregnant as soon as they start trying.

But I still saw a huge disparity between those who want children and those who get them.

And it was frustrating.

And I know that everyone has agency and things happen for a reason and all of those things. And I reminded myself of those every time I started to get upset by the injustice that I felt. But those thoughts didn't dispel the feelings of hurt.

Now then, I feel a little bit awkward writing about all of this now that I am pregnant with my own child because I have all of those friends who are still in the midst of their infertility struggle. I know that I can't do justice to this topic when I haven't been through even a fraction of what they have, or what my friends that have had miscarriages and stillborns have.

But I wanted to voice the glimpse that I got and let all of you out there that are struggling- and fighting and suffering so that you can one day hold your own little baby in your arms -know that I see you. I might not know what to say or how to be a support. But I see you and I cheer you on from my couch and I often pray for you. I am amazed by you regularly. You are SO strong, whether you feel like it or not.

I don't know why some women get pregnant and others don't, but I do know that I have been inspired by many, many moms-in-waiting. Whether you have a baby or not, you're a mom to me. I see how hard you are fighting for your child. I see how much you love your babies that haven't come, or who left too soon. And I remember you when I am struggling with pregnancy symptoms. You remind me to be grateful that I have them, no matter how hard they can be.

And you continue to inspire me each and every day; all you moms with babies in your hearts, if not yet in your arms.

PS- I'm sure that I'll write more about my pregnancy later (hopefully soon), but this is the post that has come back to me the most and the one that needed to be written right now. Stay tuned!