Three Years Later

Guys, I look back at my past posts and see so much hope and determination in them. Yes, I talk about my struggles. Yes, I talk about just how difficult things were for me. But I was always able to end with the belief and knowledge that things would get better. That I would get better.

It's been three years since my ex-fiance was arrested and to be honest, I'm still not okay. Not even close.

And I look back at those posts and read about cutting myself slack, not putting a timeline on healing, trusting in the Lord and His will and timing, etc. and they're so true!!! But man oh man, those things are becoming harder and harder to implement as time goes on. And I really struggle to cut myself slack. And I really struggle to understand why Heavenly Father is allowing this healing process to drag on and on. And I really struggle to not constantly ask myself what I'm doing wrong.

Okay pause.

I wrote those first three paragraphs on a night that I was really, REALLY struggling. And every word is true and I feel/think those things on a regular basis. But I stopped writing there and I've been thinking a lot about the past three years and where I was and where I am now.

And yeah, I get extremely frustrated when I think of who I was before my ex's arrest vs. who I am now. I often still feel very broken and confused. I wonder why I can't seem to heal, why I still haven't been able to hold a job or get back into schooling. I beat myself up because I know things that would help me (eating better, exercising, getting on a sleep schedule, etc), but I can't seem to get myself to do them.

BUT.

I also have been thinking a lot and trying to see the ways that I HAVE made progress. And sometimes those things are really hard to see. But I think especially about how I was when Jonathan and I first got married vs. how I am now and I really can see so much progress!

When we first got married, panic attacks were a very regular occurrence. I was easily set off by triggers like school buses, police cars, or physical intimacy, but also by simply being startled or something small going wrong in my day.

I struggled to disassociate my ex from love in general. When I thought the words "I love you," his name followed after those words in my head automatically.

I still struggle with plenty of anxiety and depression. I still get triggered occasionally. I still very much struggle with the abuse mindset. But it's better than it was.

Let me say it again.

IT'S BETTER THAN IT WAS.

And that's what I have to hold on to.

Because it's so easy to get overwhelmed when I get triggered when it hasn't happened in a long time. It's so easy to see all of the things that I still can't do. It's so, SO easy to feel like I'm not getting anywhere at all and like I'm stuck in limbo. But it's not true. All of my baby steps have amounted to something. I am a little bit better at the end of year three than I was at the end of year two, or year one.

In year one, it was a literal miracle that I was able to date one of my best friends, even if it was for only a short while. In year two I got engaged and married! And in year three I'm going to bear a child.

I still have so, so very far to go. And yeah, I'm still going to get frustrated and feel stuck, and get in my own way at times; but I am getting better. And no, it's not nearly as quickly as I'd like and there is still so much fear and uncertainty and bitterness at times. But I'm getting there and I will continue to make progress because I refuse to let my experiences with my ex keep me down.

I wish that I could say that in a year I overcame all. But I can't. I can't even say that it happened in three years. I'm likely going to be fighting aspects of these demons for many years to come. And that doesn't sound very hopeful and it does sound pretty discouraging but it's true. The important thing isn't how long I fight though. It's that I keep fighting and never, ever back down.

If I can do that, then next year I'll be better than I was. And the year after that I'll be even better. And even more so the year after that. And that's what this life is all about. We're not expected to be perfect right away. We're expected to try our best and keep trying our best until the very end. And then guess what? We're STILL not going to be perfect! Because we can't be on our own. We're expected to live our lives the best way that we can and then give the rest up to the Lord. HE is the one who will make me whole again. I just have to keep pushing forward until that day comes.

Three years later, I'm still pretty much a hot mess. But I'm better than I was and that is something to be proud of.