I'm a Fixer

I recently realized something about myself and I feel like it kind of sums up who I am. 

I am a fixer.

When I see something that's not working, broken, needs some help, etc. I want to fix it. I want to make it better. 

For example, I was staying with my brother last week and his sink was draining really slowly. So I took the pipes underneath apart and used an old toothbrush to reach up and try to pull out any hair, grime, whatever. I couldn't get the pipe that goes straight down from the drain off though, and so in the end it still drained slowly because that's probably where most of the junk was stuck. And that frustrated me.

It makes me think of the movie Robots. You know, "See a need, fill a need!"

That's what I do. 

I see a shower that's not draining properly? I take out my tweezers and I fix it. I see a wobbly chair? I pull my bike tool out and I fix it. Screw loose on a drawer knob? Same. Fixed.

I see someone in need of help moving? I'm there. All day. Cleaning, packing, carrying boxes that no one believes that I can lift, etc.

I see a friend struggling? That one can be a lot harder, but I do my best to help them. I do my best to fix it.

I'm glad that I'm a fixer. Fixers are often great at serving others, taking initiative, and leaving things better than they found them. But there's something really difficult about being a fixer.

You can't fix everything.

That doesn't stop you from trying. But that just makes it all the more frustrating when something just won't "fix." Like that drain.

There's a satisfaction that you get when you see a problem and then fix it. Like you know that you just did something worth doing for at least a sliver of your day and you made something better because of it.

On the flip-side, it is equally (if not more) DISsatisfactory when the thing that you try to fix simply won't.

We had to put my cat down today. I couldn't fix her. I couldn't do anything except for cuddle her for a while as the sedatives kicked in. 

I hated that.

I have a friend who is just so negative all the time. I try to help him. I try to help him see the bright sides of things, find ways to improve his situation, or see things from a different perspective. But he just won't. And it kills me. It kills me because someone that I care about is struggling and he is resisting every attempt to help him, but then keeps coming back asking for help.

I just want to "fix" him. I don't want to fix his situation because trials are how we learn. But I want to fix his learning curve. I want to help him to learn things that I've learned from my trials by helping him through his. But I can't "fix" him. We're very different people. We've lived very different lives, were raised differently, and think and feel differently.

Really you can't "fix" people at all.

But it sure doesn't stop me from trying.

When things originally started going downhill with my ex-fiance, I thought that if I could just be better, then it would all be okay in the end. I was being mentally, emotionally, and even sexually abused and I didn't know it. 

But then he actually did seek out help from the bishop, a counselor, doctors, etc. He seemed to be working hard and making a ton of progress. I was there to support him, but he chose to finally reach out for help. I thought that he was getting better. I was wrong.

Right when everything seemed like it was finally looking up; that things really were going to work out; that he was better (because he really did seem to be, I was no longer being abused, or at least, not that I could tell), that's when he was found out and thrown in jail.

I had wanted so badly to fix him. To fix our relationship. To make everything better. Because things started out so wonderfully and I loved him so very much. I firmly believe that any relationship can be fixed as long as both people are working together to fix them. And it seemed like he was putting in the effort, and I was certainly putting in the effort, but it didn't work out anyway.

And I'm not saying that our relationship couldn't have been fixed. But what I am saying is that it wasn't up to me alone. He chose not to be completely "fixed." He decided to keep secrets, and lie, and manipulate. 

I couldn't fix him because he had to be the one to fix himself. Or at least, him and the Savior. 

There was only so much that I could do.

No matter how hard I try, I can't fix everything and that's hard. 

I hate that I can't fix people's addiction, depression, pain and suffering. It drives me crazy because my natural instinct is to wear myself out trying to fix it and the rational part of me is telling me that I can't. 

I hated watching my cat die this morning when she's been there for me for years. I hated that I could do nothing about it.

I hate that my ex-fiance is in jail right now. I hate that I couldn't do anything to prevent that. I know that it's not my fault, but it doesn't stop the occasional "but maybe if I just did ______ or didn't do ______" then everything would have gotten better. HE would have gotten better. It would all be okay.

And that's because I'm a fixer.

You see, fixers often didn't break what they are trying to fix. They found it that way. And yet they still feel responsible for it being broken if they aren't able to fix it. The sink wouldn't drain. I tried to fix it. It still wouldn't drain. So now it's my fault that it won't drain. At least, that's how it feels.

My ex came to me broken. I had no idea. But as the cracks started to appear, my natural instinct was to make everything better. To fix him. And I couldn't. And I didn't. And so he shattered and I got cut up by the pieces. And it's not my fault but sometimes it feels like it is.

And that's because I'm a fixer.

Another issue with being a fixer is that I can't even always "fix" myself. I have multiple chronic medical problems and they're the type of medical problems that don't really have solutions. I take medicines and everything and they help, but they don't fix it. I take sleep medicine for my insomnia and I still sleep horribly much of the time. I take medicine for depression, but I'm still depressed a lot of the time. Etc, etc, etc.

I hate that I can't just get over, or "fix," my medical problems. And I really hate that they often prevent me from functioning to my full capacity because that means that I can't help fix other things either. I love to serve others, be productive, etc. and I can't do that very well if I'm sick in bed. 

When I sprained my wrist last year, my friends were amazed that I was still offering to help carry groceries and such. I would always just say "I can still use this arm!" I hated that I couldn't use the other one though and so I slowed down my own recovery process by using it sometimes when it wasn't ready to be used.

I hate that I can't "fix" my PTSD. I hate it because it is slowing me down in so many ways. 

Not being able to fix myself is one of the hardest things I think. Because while it's hard to not be able to fix others that are struggling, I know that I can only do so much before they need to take over. But with me, I'm the one that's supposed to take over. Me and Christ. 

But some things aren't meant to be completely fixed on this earth and that's hard. And some things take a long time to fix. And that is also hard. As a fixer I just want to find the problem, fix it, and move on to the next one. Instead I'm working on lots of problems that won't fix.

If you are a fixer, you are a great person. You have a huge heart and impressive determination. Don't stop being a fixer! But also realize that some things need to be put down, still broken, and left behind. Because the world won't end because my brother's sink is still clogged. And maybe someone else will fix it! I can't be the fixer of all things. And that's okay.

As a fixer, it's hard to let things go. It's hard to push away guilt that something's broken and shame that you couldn't fix it.

But there is so much good about being a fixer. I'm glad that I'm the one who helps clean up after events. I'm glad that I reach out to people that are struggling. I'm glad that I do my best to leave things better than I found them. I'm glad that while I'm not able to "fix" people, I can at least slab on some glue at times to help hold them together just a little bit longer. 

The whole reason I started this blog is because people have messaged me, thanking me for my Facebook posts. Telling me that I've helped them through things that they are struggling with.

I can't fix their problems. I can't make it all better. But I can help. I can clear away some debris and help them find the pieces of their lives the best way that I know how. I can't put the pieces back together for them. But I can do an awful lot to help them prepare to repair themselves with the help of Jesus Christ. And that simply has to be enough for this fixer.