Wow. With all of the craziness of hanging out with my little niece and nephew, I didn't realize that it was a year ago two days ago that I got engaged. I feel like I'm in a whole different world now than I was in a year ago.
In last year's world, I was very happily, newly engaged to who I thought was the love of my life. I was blissfully ignorant to the possibility of disaster striking, of my heart being broken.
In this year's world, I know better. I have felt pain and anguish unlike anything that I had ever felt before. I've experienced the loss of a loved one in a way that I would never wish on anyone.
In many ways, it's hard not to feel like I've been pushed way back in my personal development and growth due to all that had happened in the last year. My physical and mental health have both declined, getting to bed before 2 AM (let alone 3, 4, or 5) is a freaking miracle, and finding the motivation to do anything productive is often nonexistent. So basically you could say that I've taken a huge step down from where I this time last year (see this past blog post for reference).
And yet.
For all that I feel that I'm lacking right now that I had going for me a year ago, I've gained something else. I've gained experience. I've gained a knowledge of truly loving someone unconditionally... And then losing them. And that means that I've gained a much greater ability to empathize with a much wider variety of people.
I've also gained SO many amazing friends that I never would have met if I had stayed in last year's world. And I've somehow gained this ability to inspire others.
I still don't understand how I am able to help people when my tank constantly feels so very low. But I've learned that we all really help each other more than we know.
A good example is my amazing friend Madi. She's been a HUGE blessing to me. She has this way of making me feel like a million bucks. She's pretty much the sweetest person ever. And she's nailed what I need most of the time right on the head.
You see, lots of wonderful people have told me that their door is always open for me, and I appreciate that. I really, truly do. But I honestly am very unlikely to just call someone up and be like, "Hey! I've been in bed all day and feel like a bum! Let's hang out!" It's a lot better for me if people set specific dates, times, and activities with me because honestly, when I'm lonely and sad, I don't always know who to call or if I even think I can handle social interaction. I also am afraid of "inconveniencing people." I know, I know, if you said that your door is open, it's open. But depression and anxiety say "What if their busy but don't want to say no?" or "I don't want them to have to come and pick me up" or "You don't actually know them very well, so what will you guys do?"
So please know that yes, I'd love to hang out with all of the people whose doors are open, but I'm not likely to call and set up a time to come over for dinner or play games because my brain (and fatigue) give me every reason not to. But know that I would love to do those things. I could use more real meals and I absolutely LOVE games!
But I digress. Back to my example.
Madi has been so great because she will text me all the time asking if I'm available to hang out that night or if we can get a group together to play games/watch a movie that weekend. She's made it so that I have someone to hang out with almost every day (which is why I'm SO sad that she won't be here next semester!) without me being the one to reach out all the time.
Her love, support, and friendship has seriously meant the world to me. Because honestly, I have a hard time reaching out to people, even just to ask to hang out. When I'm home alone, finding the motivation to go and do anything else but chill on the couch is usually nowhere to be found. But if I've planned to do something with someone, then I sure as heck am going to get up and do it!
With all of that in mind: Madi and I were talking one night the week before we both left and I was shocked when she told me that I really helped her through this past semester. She told me that she had been struggling. She didn't really have many close friends and wasn't very happy. She told me that she had been impressed with me (we're in choir together) because it seemed like I was doing a lot (I talked about the Disciple Leadership Conference in choir, and that's really the only thing that I can think of that made me seem like a go-getter. Haha).
And then one day in class the whole choir learned about what happened with my ex-fiance. They found out that I'm actually a hot mess. And that helped Madi even more! (Wait, what?) She told me that she decided that if I could make it through the semester with all of the crap that I was (/am) going through, then she could too. And then we became really good friends, so not only did I have someone to hang out with me and get me up and doing things, but she had me too.
It blew my mind that she was so grateful to me for what I had apparently done for her when I had been feeling so incredibly blessed to have HER.
This may be my biggest take away from this year actually. Madi is a prime example, but she's not the only one. I've gotten messages from strangers telling me that I've inspired them and helped them as they are going through their own struggles. I wish that they could understand how much them telling that really helps ME. Those messages mean that I'm doing something right now that I could not have done a year ago.
In last year's world, I didn't have a blog. And even if I had, I wouldn't have anything as relatable to write about because I wouldn't have experienced any of the things that help people when they read my words.
Anyway, I've rambled on for long enough I think. I don't know that this blog post will be a help to anyone else, but that's okay, because it's helping me. It's helping me to take a deep breath and remind myself that my life is as good as it can be right now and will keep getting better. It's helping me to remember that if I can make it through this, then I can make it through anything.
It's helping me to see that where I am this year really isn't all bad. That I have a lot more this year than I did last year in SO many ways. And while there are things that I don't have this year that I had last year, I know that it's going to be okay. I've got incredible friends, adorable nephews and a sweet and sassy niece that love me, and the knowledge that when I feel that I've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up and that Christ is the Rock that's doing the heavy lifting from underneath.
Where I am now is a hard place to be in, but I'm not doing this alone. I have friends and family (AKA- angels on earth) and more importantly, I have Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ by my side. And with that in mind, it's going to be a great year, no matter what is around the corner waiting for me.
And you know what? Someday I'll fall in love again with someone who truly loves me and would never, ever hurt me. And that is definitely something wonderful about the world that I'm living in now. And that makes all of this just a little bit more worth it in the end.
PS- Sorry, I always say "I've rambled on..." and then continue to ramble for a few more paragraphs. My bad.
PPS- Finding that photo for this post may or may not have made me majorly tear up. I know that it's true, but it's still difficult to feel and believe all of the time. But I know that Heavenly Father has some incredible things in store for me, and if I have to slog through some major crap to get there, so be it. I'll appreciate it all the more when I get to it.
PPPS- (Last one, promise) This is basically the theme song of my life right now and you should listen to it. ;)
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