An Impossible Choice

 

It's been a while since I've felt like I needed to write without having any idea what I'm supposed to be writing about. But here we are. I even looked through my drafts and the notes on my phone where I have jotted down thoughts for the blog over the years. But nothing is sticking out, so I'm doing what I've done before and just... starting.

******Please be kind and civil in anything that you feel that you need to say to me about this post. This has been very difficult for me to write and I still feel like I haven't done any of this the justice that it deserves. My heart, my very spirit is aching and heavy******

I have very mixed emotions about the events of today. Most of the relevant posts on my timeline are mourning/outraged about Roe v. Wade being overturned. A handful, though, have been jubilant. 

I don't really know how to express how I feel about the subject, mostly because I am unsure of it. I feel like I have conflicting thoughts and emotions. 

On the one hand, I do feel that an unborn baby has every right to live. I can't, in good conscience, condone killing an unborn child. My very being is repulsed by the thought.

On the other hand, I also can't condone forcing a woman to give birth to a child that is threatening her life or was never meant to be in her womb. I am absolutely all for using contraception, but am also aware that rape exists. And that sometimes pregnancies happen even when there was a condom, or birth control, or whatever else in play. 

In the case of an unwanted pregnancy, I huge part of me is screaming "put the baby up for adoption!" But another part of me, the part of me that understands the mental and physical effects of pregnancy and child birth, is tempering that. 

I, personally, cannot comprehend killing an unborn child. 

But I also have never personally been in a situation where it would ever cross my mind to do so. 

My life has never been threatened by the child inside of me. 

I have never carried a child that was not planned for, or even if not planned for, fully welcome.

I have so many friends that struggle with fertility. Friends who would give anything to be able to conceive and carry a child, no matter the cost to mind and body. Friends who would adopt an unwanted baby (or one who's bio parents feel unable to care for) in an instant if they could.

But their struggle does not negate the struggle of women everywhere that are facing an unwanted or dangerous pregnancy.

I am so grateful that I was on Medicaid both through most of my pregnancy and through labor and delivery, because doctor's appointments, birth, and hospital stays are EXPENSIVE. And yet abortion is often free.

I am grateful for the clinics out there whose purpose is to help those that cannot afford healthcare, but there are not enough and they usually don't have all of the necessary resources and staffing.

The changes to a woman's mind and body during and after pregnancy are varied, but often extreme.

For me, my IBS and insomnia worsened. My PTSD worsened, including not only my anxiety and depression, but my ability to focus/remember. Pregnancy brain is very real, and add that on top of a brain injury (which mental/emotional trauma is) and you've got a huge mess. 

I was often in pain and pretty much always in discomfort.

I struggled with bad nausea through my entire pregnancy. My second trimester brought little of the relief that I had come to expect.

My gallbladder quit on me as a result of my pregnancy, so I dealt with extreme pain in that region both during and after pregnancy. Post birth, I had my gallbladder removed and now deal with a huge spike in reflux on a regular basis.

My arms and hands became extremely weak. Lifting a pan to pour out the grease would put me in a ton of pain and I would lose strength before finishing. The strength never fully came back.

I ended up with knee problems for most of the first year of Liam's life.

I'm still struggling with pelvic floor weakness.

I hardly lost any of my pregnancy weight and have by now gained it all back.

And the medical problems that I faced/face are tiny compared to many women that I know.

I know someone who came out of the birth of her son with allergies that she'd never had before that now effect her every day of her life, 9 years later. 

I know women who LOST weight during part or throughout all of their pregnancy.

I know women who have ended up on bedrest for a good chunk of their pregnancy.

I know women that had hyperemesis gravidarum and puked their guts out through their entire pregnancies.

And these are all women that chose to put their bodies through this.

I would struggle to look a woman in the eyes that did not choose this and tell her that she has to continue. And that she has to pay financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally to do so.

With all of that said, I do feel that there are many related areas of society, law, etc that absolutely need to be made into higher priorities.

Children in "the system" need to be better provided and cared for. Adoption needs to be more accessible to those who are choosing to take another person's child into their hearts and homes. Birth control needs to be more readily accessible. Healthcare needs to be more readily accessible. Men need to be held just as responsible for a pregnancy and childcare as women are. A decent paid maternity needs to be standardized. Accessibility to breastfeeding and pumping need improvement. And so many more things than I can think of off the top of my head.

I think that when we think of abortion, we often think of men and women who are being careless and use abortion as birth control because either they don't want the inconvenience of messing with their hormones with a pill or with the quality of sex with a condom. That idea makes my stomach turn. But I feel like I can pretty safely say that it makes most women who have had abortions stomachs turn as well. Because more often than not, that is not why abortion is chosen. 

I really believe that the majority of women that have chosen abortion did not come to the decision easily and did not take the matter lightly. And while some may regret their decision, most probably don't. And even the ones that don't probably hated doing it.

I am eternally grateful that it is not up to me to judge the women who have had, or would be willing to have, an abortion. Because I could never have all of the facts. I could never comprehend the fear and uncertainty that was present. I could never fully understand the circumstances that led to an unwanted pregnancy. I have never been in a situation where I have had to choose between my own well being and the well being of an unborn child. 

I am so incredibly blessed to have grown up in such a way that abortion has never had to be, and never would be, an option for me. Blessed with loving, supportive adults in my life. Blessed with good education. Blessed with the gospel that has helped me to honor the both the sanctity of life and the sacredness of intimacy. Blessed with a body that was able to safely bear my child. Blessed with a life that has never seen the type of sexual assault that would result in a pregnancy that I wasn't ready for. 

Not everyone has been as blessed as I have been.

All in all, do I think that there should be policies put in place to preserve the lives of unborn children? Absolutely. 

But those policies should address not only abortion directly, but everything that goes in to the decision to abort. And the life of the mother, not only whether or not pregnancy/childbirth will directly kill her, but also whether she can mentally, physically, and financially handle pregnancy and childbirth. We should be doing all that we can to set our children/teenagers up for success so that they never have to face this situation. And we should be doing all that we can to support those who do face it. 

And I believe even those who are rejoicing right now should also be mindful of those who are hurting. I believe that we should all have compassion for those who are feeling trapped in their situation. 

If we could all do more for humanity, then maybe we will someday live in a world that sees very few situations where abortion would even be considered.

All of this to say that my heart hurts both for those who have died via abortion, but also for those who have lived through it. It hurts me deeply that our society is struggling so greatly that abortion is even an issue that needs to be so thoroughly discussed. 

I look at my own child and my heart shouts prolife. But I look at the lives of those who would even consider taking the life of an unborn child because that legitimately seems to be the best option to them and another part of me whispers prochoice.

The scriptures say "thou shalt not kill" but also say "mourn with those that mourn" and "comfort those that stand in need of comfort."

I have to believe that there is a way for me to love and care about the life of both an unborn child, and the one who carries them. I can only hope and pray that I figure out how to properly do so in a way that feels acceptable to my heart and soul and to Those who gave us life.

I'm sitting here, terrified of posting this. Feeling like I'm about to bawl. Worrying about what people on every side of this issue will think and say. 

I'm literally not even sending this to my friend to be proofread like I do every single other time I post because I'm so anxious (so please excuse any grammatical/spelling errors).

But all I know is that this is the first time that I have felt so strongly like I needed to write something in a while, and this was the only thing that I felt like needed to be said right now in the midst of so many other important things that I could write about. 

I try very hard to stay out of politics as much as I can. Partially because I often do have a very in-between stance on things, as with this, but also because I absolutely loathe confrontation. And I especially hate the thought of confrontation about a subject that I feel so incredibly unsure about. But I do feel that this is what I was supposed to write about right now.

I am aching to my core for the unwanted souls within the wombs of women everywhere. I am also aching for a world that feels the need for abortion. I am aching for those whose circumstances have made them feel the need for abortion. I am also aching for those who would give anything to be able to carry a child in their womb and in their arms. 

And I am sitting here wondering how my Heavenly Parents feel about what I am feeling and that is only ramping up the anxiety. 

But I'm trying to trust that this is something that I have been prompted to open up about. I am trusting that They know and understand my confusion and fear just as much as they understand the confusion and fear of those that this all effects. 

So now all I can ask you do to is to try your best to be understanding and compassionate too.

Let's Pick Back Up From...

Artwork by Emily Shay

For Easter today, I wanted to share something that happened to me last Sunday. 

But first, a bit of background. For those of you who don't know, I sing. I'm not a professional by any stretch of the imagination, but I have a good voice and have worked hard on my singing abilities throughout my life. 

While my voice is good, my brain can only process so much music theory. I can't sight read. I can approximate, but I mostly learn new songs by listening and going over the piece over and over again. And each time I sing there are things that I have to get used to all over again, even if it's a song that I've sung before. 

The biggest issue for me is being able to follow the accompaniment (I spell that wrong every single time 😅); knowing when to come in, when to end, when to breathe, etc. So when I practice with a pianist, there are many times that one of us will stop and ask to go over a part again. "Let's pick back up from ______". And then we'll practice that a few times until we feel comfortable with it.

Sometimes it's because I got the notes wrong or didn't feel 100% sure about them. Other times it's because I messed up the words, or missed the entrance. But every time, either I or my accompanist will pick a place to pick back up and try again.

With all of that said; last Sunday was our stake Easter devotional. I had asked to perform a song a month or so ago. It took me a while to pick a piece because I was initially hoping to do a duet with my husband, but then we finally decided that that wasn't going to work out, so I decided to sing my favorite song, For Me Alone by Sally DeFord.

I haven't had many opportunities to perform in the last few years since I left BYUI, so I take every chance I can get. It has been especially tricky since moving back to Pennsylvania because there are no accompanists in my ward. As such, I asked a sister from another ward to accompany me for the devotional. But then I was sick for the better part of three weeks, so we never got together to practice.

The week of the performance, I was doing a lot better, but still had some post nasal drip going on in the back of my throat, so singing would sometimes make me cough and sometimes my voice would cut out when I sang. I was trying to decide if I should cancel my performance or if I needed to contact my accompanist to see if we could get together to practice when she texted me and told me that she couldn't play for me after all but had already talked to another pianist who said that she could play for me. 

Through the rest of the week I kept almost cancelling my performance. I was unsure of my voice, and Sunday was going to be a super busy day anyway, so thinking about all that I had to do throughout the day and then going on to perform that evening was a bit daunting. And then when I tried to set up a time to practice, the sister told me that her kids were sick, so she wouldn't be able to meet with me until the day of, before the devotional. I almost backed out. 

But all through the week, every time I picked up my phone to text the pianist and the stake music coordinator to cancel, I kept feeling like I needed to keep the performance. So I did.

I was going, going, going all day and then arrived early to the stake center to meet my pianist for the very first time and practice the song. Practice went well! Luckily I knew this one well enough that I was able to get used to the new accompanist without too much of a problem. It had been a while since I'd sung the song, so there were a few parts that I kind of needed to be reminded of, but overall it was good! 

When I got into the chapel and looked at the program I discovered that I was to be the very last performance of the night. I swear I'm always either the first or the last. I'm never somewhere in the middle. For the Christmas devotional, I was the first, so I suppose it was time. 

I sat through the devotional until it was finally my turn.

The performance was going well; my voice had cut out once, but it wasn't too bad. And then all of a sudden as I was singing the last verse, my brain just shut off on me for a moment. I was looking at the upcoming measure and got confused for a second, thinking that the notes were different than they were or something and I just stopped singing. 

Full stop. 

In the middle of the performance.

That has never happened to me before. I wasn't quite sure what to do. The pianist continued playing for a bit, waiting for me to come back in and I didn't. So she stopped playing.

I didn't feel like I could turn to her and say "let's pick back up from _____", so I took a breath, and then started singing the next line, hoping that I was singing the right notes. After a moment, the pianist came back in and we finished the performance. 

For Me Alone is a very poignant song, essentially saying that even if I were the only person who ever sinned, Christ would have still suffered the Atonement, just for me. 

As happens most of the time when I perform this song, I became emotional at the end. 

I finished the song, gave a nod to the accompanist, and then walked off the stand and right out of the chapel. I was a bit embarrassed, but I left because I was so overcome with the message that I had just shared. I spent most of the rest of the devotional out in the foyer with my two year old, who had been watching me from my dad's arms in the doorway.

After the devotional, I was blown away by how many people came and spoke to me about my performance. Everyone was so kind and complimentary. 

I was embarrassed, but overall proud of how the rest of the performance went, and extremely grateful that I was able to perform at all after all of the craziness of the weeks and hours before.

As I've thought about my performance this week, I have been struck by something. When the music stopped, the accompanist was ready and waiting for me to start singing again. She didn't say anything, she simply waited until I was ready and then picked up where I did.

It seems to me that there are many, many times in our lives that we falter. Where we feel stuck, lost, and confused and not quite sure where to go from here. There are times when we stray from God. But no matter how long we've stopped, Christ is always there with us, waiting for us to use His enabling power. And when we do, He is ready to pick right back up, where we are, and continue leading us to heaven.

He never leaves us. He is a quiet, constant presence. Always there. Always loving. Ever patiently waiting for us to allow Him to lift us up and help us to finish our journey home.

The song that I performed last Sunday ends with these words:

But if I alone had stumbled; if I alone had strayed

If I alone had wandered from the straight and narrow way

If I alone were foolish; if I alone were frail

If I alone had faltered when the power of hell assailed

If I alone bore guilt for which my all could never atone

He would have come for me

For me alone

I truly believe that that is the kind of love that Christ has for every single person who has and will ever exist. 

The tricky part is believing that that is the kind of love that He has for me. 

But I believe that He loves me. I believe that He waits patiently for me to pick back up when I fall so that He can brush me off, take me by the hand, and lead me to my personal salvation.

This Easter, I hope that this story will serve as a reminder to you that the magnificent Being who rose again on the third day did so for you. And that He would have done it if you were the only one who needed Him to.

He is with you. He loves you. And no matter what you do, no matter how far you may fall, He will be right there with you, silently saying to you, "When you're ready, let's pick back up from..."

Happy Easter everyone!

Also by Emily Shay

Being a Mirabel

I know, I know. There are Encanto posts EVERYWHERE right now. Sorry not sorry for making another one.

I have been slightly obsessed with this movie. It is rare that a movie- especially a kid's movie -hits me so hard in so many different ways. But this one has been a doozy for me and I have been fascinated to learn about all sorts of different nuances to the movie from the way that We Don't Talk About Bruno is written to the colors that the Madrigal's wear. And I have been analyzing the heck out of all of the characters and their relationships to one another. But what I want to talk about today is how I personally relate to characters in the movie and the insights that that has given me into how I feel about myself.

I asked a couple of my siblings recently which sister from Encanto they related to the most and was fairly unsurprised to hear their answers of Louisa and Isabella. But my sister seemed surprised when I told her how much I relate to Mirabel. 

My whole life, I have felt less than. I have never felt that I'm the best at anything. I don't just feel second place, I feel like I'm not even in the running in most aspects of my life. This was very prevalent all through my school-age years. I was never good at sports (except for gymnastics, which I had to quit fairly young because of finances), I couldn't cook, I had a hard time making friends, I wasn't great at acting, I never did very well playing piano, etc. And I always looked up to my sister who seemed to be good at just about everything in my eyes. She was funny, could draw well, was generally good at sports, played the piano sufficiently, was good at cooking, had lots of friends, and had cute handwriting. Beyond her, it seemed that everyone in my family had something. Each of my brothers did sports at one time or another, a couple of them were very imaginative and wrote stories, etc.

I remember many a tear-filled conversation with my mother revolving around me feeling like everyone had a talent except me. She would always tell me that my talent was being compassionate, which like, was great and all, but I couldn't get up on stage and be compassionate for a talent show.

When I was about 12 I finally found something that I was good at; singing. I not only loved singing, but I was actually pretty good at it and only got better when my Mom finally gave in and let me start taking voice lessons. 

I also found that I was pretty good at English. I had always loved reading, but found that I was decent at writing and analyzing books as well.

And then my younger brother started taking piano lessons and pretty much immediately surpassed me in his skill. And then he got into singing and got a lead in my senior musical that I finally got a part in. And he was super smart and was way better than me in English. And he was just generally more likable. I legitimately went from being (middle brother's) sister to being (younger brother's) sister in high school.

And I took AP Music Theory my junior year or high school and it simply did not click with me the way that it clicked with my friends.

And so singing, the one thing that I really felt that I had going for me, didn't feel good enough either.

And English, the other thing that I was pretty good at, wasn't either. 

And I could tell you about how people always thought that I was good with kids, but then met my older brother that is fantastic with them.

Basically I have grown up feeling very much overshadowed by my siblings. And not only them, but my friends, classmates, and pretty much everyone else. 

I remember commenting to a sister in our ward one day about how she seemed to be good at everything. She made some kind of comment about being a jack-of-all-trades, like that was a bad thing. But I realized in that moment that maybe I would never be the best at anything, but I would honestly have loved being a jack-of-all-trades because then I could help out in lots of different ways.

And this is where some of the other Madrigals come in for me. As much as I feel that I relate to Mirabel the most, there is definitely a dash of Louisa and and a pinch of Isabella in there for me. Mostly just a couple of the lines that they sing.

When Louisa sings "I'm pretty sure I'm worthless if I can't be of service", it hit me in the gut. And then when Isa sings "What could I do if I just knew it didn't need to be perfect? It just needed to be?"

Let's explore Isabella briefly first.

For as much as I have never felt great at anything, I have been a perfectionist. And, well, being a perfectionist while also feeling like nothing that I ever do is very good at all, let alone "good enough" is kind of the worst feeling in the world. Like I am incapable of not falling short. 

Which, in turn, makes it really hard for me to become good at anything because I struggle to allow myself to do something badly at first. I could be a lot better at the piano than I am right now, but I would get so, so frustrated during practice when I kept making mistakes that I struggled to practice much at all.

I can't become a jack-of-all-trades if I don't, you know, learn any new trades. I tell myself that I don't have to be great at things, just good enough. But I have a hard time allowing myself to get to a "good enough" place without getting irritated and down on myself for not being better.

Now Louisa.

I have related to her the most I think during my mission and then after my ex was arrested (5 years ago yesterday. Isn't that crazy?).

I was constantly sick while I was on my mission, which then led me to constantly feel like I was letting everyone down. My companion, the members of the ward that I was serving in, all of the people in our area that I could have been bringing closer to Christ, and, you know, God Himself. 

If I couldn't be out there serving the Lord, then what good was I?

And then when my ex was arrested, I was doing so poorly in so many different ways. 

And yet, when I started opening up about my struggles, and especially when I first started this blog, I felt like I was genuinely helping people. People saw me as strong (even though I explicitly told them that I would spend way too much time laying on the floor staring at the ceiling) and even inspiring. 

The tragedy of my life was all of a sudden an opportunity to make a real difference in people's lives, and I was pumped about that! I hated what happened to me, but I was so grateful to finally feel like I had something to contribute that maybe no one else could at the time.

But then, as time went on, I seemed to stop seeming strong and inspirational to people. At the beginning, it was impressive to people that I kept pressing forward despite not being able to work a regular job anymore because of my PTSD mixed with chronic illness. But when literal years have passed and that's still the case, it stops being praiseworthy and starts seeming pathetic.

Not that anyone has ever said that to me. But it's what my mind tells me every day. 

You should be doing so much more. You should BE so much more. 

My blog posts have become few and far between and get the smallest fraction of views that they used to. 

I struggle greatly to sit and write them, even though I have ideas swirling around in my mind.

I often feel too weak to exist properly, let alone help anyone. And if I can't help anyone, then why do I exist anyway?

And my mind keeps telling me that I'm a terrible mother, that I'm not a good primary president, that I'm ruining my parents' and brother's lives by living with them in such inadequacy and being so needy. It tells me that I will never, ever be good enough. I will never be strong enough, smart enough, financially well off enough, to be a help to anyone, let alone my own family. 

And I do my best to tell my mind to shove off. And I keep trying to slog forward, even though I feel like I've been falling behind for a long time now. 

And Mirabel gives me hope that someday, my seemingly small and weak efforts will make all the difference to someone. And well, hopefully all the difference for me too.

This post isn't here to make you all pity me and tell me all of the great things that I know that you see in me that I struggle to see in myself. I guess it's just here to say, I suppose it is okay for me to "just be" sometimes. And I know deep down that I am helping people more than I realize. And that I do have intrinsic worth that isn't attached to my accomplishments (or lack thereof). And that trauma doesn't just disappear with a sudden poof of healing. I mean, Abuela is clearly still affected daily by the trauma of losing her Pedro and all of a sudden feeling responsible not only for herself and her infant triplets, but also- because of the miracle that she was given -the entire community of refugees. But even she is eventually able to recognize the weight that she has been unwittingly distributing to her loved ones. 

And I hope that it doesn't take me 50 years to sort through my trauma, but maybe being aware that it is still affecting me so much is the first step.

Okay, honestly, I'm not really sure what the purpose of this post is at all.

I'll end with this though;

I hope that I can press forward with the determination of Mirabel. While she is obviously not perfect, she is such an incredible example to me of humility, empathy, and bravery. She doesn't let being "ordinary" stop her from giving her all to help support those that she loves. She takes what she does have- the ability to persevere no matter what -and rolls with it.

May we all be a little more like Mirabel. May we have the ability to take notice. To look around us and see behind the strength and talent and seeming perfection of others to see people who deserve love simply for being.

Keeping the Spirit of Christ All Year Round

December and January are rough months for me. My ex's birthday is in December, he re-proposed in December, which means that he recorded me in the bathroom for the first time in December, and he was arrested and my world turned upside down in January.

What helps the most during this time period is Christmas. I absolutely love Christmas. I love the lights, the excitement, and I especially love how everyone seems to be a little bit kinder to each other during Christmas time.

But is seems that as soon as Christmas is over, when we all go into couch potato mode until New Years, I get hit with an extra dose of depression and anxiety.

I've been thinking a lot about one of my favorite Christmas/winter songs called the December Song (this version in particular). 

This is the first chunk of the song:

In December,

We give our gifts

Wishing well to our world,

Peace on Earth to everyone.

A time to be joyful

When all is calm and all is bright

But why?

Does it change with the seasons?

And why can't we just hold on?

To silent nights,

Holy nights and angels singing lullabies,

And Heaven and nature, singing good will to all...

To all...

Especially with how difficult this time of year is, I know that I need Christ more than ever. But it can be hard to feel Him as society's collective focus on Him starts to slip away as quickly as the discounted Christmas candy.

I know that every day can't be like Christmas. Normal life has to continue on. The lights will come down and the excitement will fade. But I do wish that the spirit of Christmas, the Spirit of Christ, would linger more throughout the year. That that extra kindness that permeates December would continue and even grow.

And honestly, if that is going to happen, then we need to do more to remember and honor Christ's life, not only His birth. We need to make a greater effort to come to know Christ, to follow Him, emulate Him, and live His teachings. We need to study His words, consider His actions and inactions, and then do our best to do as He would do.

We need to not only make sure that people aren't alone on the holidays, but that they also feel loved on a Tuesday. We need to not only smile and wish well to our cashiers as we buy gifts, but also as we buy our weekly groceries. We need to Light the World through every month and season. Because as we do so, our own lives can feel a little bit brighter too.

My son has a Bible quiet book that we bring to church with us. He sometimes pulls it out throughout the week, wanting to play with it. Usually he just immediately pulls off anything with Velcro and throws it to the floor, but for the last week or so, he has seemed drawn to the baby Jesus. He takes him out and carries him around. He put Him on our dog's back one day. Another day he took him over to the window to show Him the outside. And I noticed that when he took the little felt baby out of the manger, he talked to it in the same sweet voice that he uses when he talks to the pets.

Of all of the things in that little book, the little Jesus is the only one that I've seen him act that way towards. 

I hope that his sweet enthusiasm for Christ continues throughout his life.

It certainly showed me that even a child that can't yet speak can bear testimony of Christ. And that Christ is already a part of his life, even at such a young age.

Can we all do our best to not only keep Christ in Christmas, but to keep Him in our every day lives?

Christ doesn't only think of us on our birthdays, but every day of our lives. He is with us- loving us, serving us -in every moment.

When the lights come down, the lights within us should burn that much brighter. When the excitement fades, the more steady, consistent pleasure that comes from serving others can replace it. The joys of the Christmas season can continue throughout the year if we treat each and every day like a day to celebrate Christ.

Happy New Year everyone! May we all resolve to carry the Spirit of Christ from December to January and on through the rest of the year.

From a book of daily spiritual thoughts from
Russell M. Nelson that a sister
missionary gave me last year

Another version of the quote from above

Waiting for Hope to Return

A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine that's struggling asked our friend group if we could start sending him inspirational/hopeful things, so we made another group chat specifically for that. Today, one of my other friends that is in that group chat sent this:

Alright friends, real talk. What do you do if you don’t have hope?

To which people started sending some nice messages, songs that have helped them, etc. And I could have done that too.

But I didn't.

This is what I sent back:

This is a lot less inspiring, but for me, sometimes I just have to keep going until the hope comes back.

Of course I pray and try to reach out to friends and such. And I have SO many sleep playlists and I listen to my Sunday playlist more because it's not so triggering.

But with all of that, I still feel hopeless sometimes. And when that's the case, I sob out prayers out loud and then just do my best to keep going until hope comes.

Depression/anxiety medication is also a must for me personally. I'm basically non-functional without it, though I hope to not need it someday.

And I have lots of playlists and picture quotes and scriptures and talks that I could share and will eventually, but honestly, the older I get, the more I realize that most of us have heard the same advice/words of encouragement over and over again for our whole lives and it's wonderful but also sometimes the very last thing that you want to hear.

It is absolutely true that God loves me, that things can and will get better someday, that I have people who care about me and are willing to help, and that all of my trials will be for my good. But knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling alone, hopeless, and worthless at times. And people reminding me of those things doesn't magically take away the pain. If anything it makes me feel guilty for not having more faith. But the thing is, I do have faith. I do believe in all of those good things. In my head. My heart? That is a different story. I can have faith while struggling to have hope.

Knowing those things is absolutely what helps keep me going, but not necessarily in the way that I think that we expect it to. It doesn't make me feel peace and joy when I'm in the pits. What it does do is give me the tiniest thread to cling to. It helps me to keep wading in the depths because I know in my mind that if I just keep going, hope will return someday. 

I ended up playing Codenames online with my family and that friend tonight, and when everyone was signing off of the video call, it ended up being me and the friend left. So before he could end the call, I asked him how he was doing.

And then we just talked. And I didn't spout platitudes and try to convince him that things aren't as bad as they seem. I told him that I get what he's feeling. I've been feeling depressed quite a bit lately and just really down on myself. I talked to him about some of my own struggles, and we went back and forth relating to each other about this or that. We laughed in the midst of sharing our woes. And yeah, we talked a little bit about moving forward, but mostly we just chatted. I made him watch the library card song from Arthur. We talked about Anastasia the Broadway production and how Bartok and Rasputin aren't in it and I got In the Dark of the Night stuck in my head (which replaced the library card song that had been running through it). We played Dominion online against a computer named Lord Rattington that made us thing of Rattigan from The Great Mouse Detective. 

And by the end of it all, we both felt a lot better.

I think that we sometimes make helping people harder than it has to be.

Here's the thing; I will absolutely remind you that you are a child of God and that there is purpose to our lives, no matter what point we are at in them. I will certainly send you playlists of soothing music and my favorite talks. But I'll also send you memes and silly videos and talk to you about random stuff. And I'll validate you feeling hopeless.

Not because I want you to feel that way, but because I have been there and often AM there. And when I am, I might not want to listen to a new playlist or have the ability to focus to read a talk. I might be tired of being told the same helpful things. I might have prayed all night for peace and still struggled to sleep and had nightmares. 

Sometimes I just want to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling and that I don't have to feel like I don't have enough faith if I feel this way. I want to laugh about stupid things and play games because it gets my mind out of the darkness for just long enough to remind me why I'm still going.

I was joking with some other friends at church the other day about how it was so hard to make friends as a kid, but now I'm just like "Hey! I'm depressed, you should come over sometime" and the other person be like "Hey! I, too, am depressed and could use some company too!" 

Obviously that's not how I became friends with those people in the first place, but still. And well, actually, that kind of is how I became friends with one of them at least, but I'm not going to get into that right now.

All I'm really trying to say here is that words of hope are definitely important and needed. But it's just as important and needed to recognize that those words alone might not be as helpful as you might think. It's okay to say "Everything will turn out okay, but I know that knowing that doesn't help you feel happy all of a sudden. I'm sorry that you are feeling this right now. I get it."

I've expressed in past posts that I feel like the reason that my testimony has remained strong through all of the horrible things that I've lived through is because I have had so many moments in my life where it literally felt like Christ was all that I had. I couldn't see Him or feel His love, but I knew that He was there and that was just enough to keep me going just a little bit longer.

And I stand by that.

I still have many a night where things feel hopeless. And it's all that I can do to just make it through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. But I do make it through them and I keep making it through them because I know that hope will return. And knowing that doesn't feel hopeful, but it is just enough.

So if you are in a period where hope is hard to find, please know that it is okay to simply live, or even just simply survive, for a little bit until it comes back. Because it will.

It always does if you just hold on a little bit longer.

I know that dandelions are weeds,
but honestly, one of my favorite things
about spring is when the green grass
gets spotted with yellow dandelions.
It's just so happy looking to me.

Something inspiring about finding
 beauty in weeds

Just look at them being all bright and happy
even though people hate them!

PS- There are a bit more inspiring things that I would love to write about hope someday, but I felt like this was more needed right at this moment. Just... being relatable I guess.

PPS- As I was looking for pictures to put at the top of this post, I stumbled upon this article that fit in perfectly with what I'm trying to say. I recommend reading the whole thing, though I will warn you that there is a bit of language. 

Here are a couple of excerpts that really hit the nail on the head for me:

Hope is not thinking positive thoughts. Hope is not self-delusion. Hope is clinging to the life raft and kicking, even when there is no sight of land. Hope is a muscle. Like most muscles, it hurts like hell at first, but it gets easier as you get stronger, and you get stronger the more routine, seemingly pointless work you put into it. It is possible. It’s not easy. It takes the sort of work, every day, of doing what needs to be done to care for yourself, your community, your society, even when you resent having to do so and would rather lie down for five minutes or five months or the rest of your life. That’s hope. It’s not a mood. It’s an action. It’s behaving as if there might be a future even when that seems patently ridiculous....

...It means not listening to the semirational sliver of your brain that believes staying in bed drinking liquid ice cream is the better option. And eventually—maybe soon, probably not—things change. Eventually, probably not today, you feel better, or different. That’s what hope is. That’s it. That’s all. It’s [bull crap] and necessary and anyone can do it. You’re welcome.

Last PS, promise- A different friend sent me this article yesterday and it also really spoke to me, so maybe it will to you too! Again, there is a little bit of language, just so you know

Blowing Bubbles for God

*Now that I'm a mom, I'm trying to figure out the best way to write this public blog without overexposing my child. I'm not quite sure how I want to do this yet, so please bear with me as I might try different things in different posts moving forward*

Last Sunday I bore my testimony and I wanted to share on here what I shared at church.

Last weekend I was outside with my 1 1/2 year old son blowing bubbles. He wanted to try, so I gave him the bubble wand. For the next ten minutes or so, I watched him poke through the holes with his fingers, blow on the wand like it was a harmonica, another time like it was a flute, poke through the holes with his lips as he tried to blow through it, and eventually manage to get a few bubbles out by waving it around just the right way and then even by blowing just a teensy bit farther away from the wand.

In between each attempt he would dip dip dip the bubble wand back into the bottle to get more bubble solution on the wand.

I laughed at his attempts, but also was proud of him for trying for so long. 

He still hasn't quite figured out how it all works, but that's okay.

As I sat there watching him, I had the tiniest thought that I should bear my testimony the next day about watching my son blow bubbles. I thought about how much he has learned in his short life so far and how every single thing that is so easy for me has taken him a ton of trial and error, bumps and bruises, and lots and lots of messes. 

And then I thought about how we were put onto this earth to become like God. And about how God has had LOTS of time to perfect being God. We can't even begin to comprehend His timetable. And if I can look at my son's progress and laugh and be proud of every effort, then I think that it's a safe bet that our Heavenly Parents do the same.

They don't expect us to become perfect without mistakes and messes. And They watch our every effort with smiles and pride in Their eyes.

I think that sometimes we are way too hard on ourselves for not being who we want to be. Like, it took most of us over a year to get to a place in life where we could figure out how to use a fork, so why in the world do we expect much more complicated things to come to us without trying again and again?

It didn't seem to bother my son that in 10+ minutes of trying, he got a sum total of maybe 5 bubbles out of it. And it didn't bother me either. 

So maybe it's okay if we're still waving our bubble wands around and playing it like a flute. Maybe it's okay if after years of working to become like Christ, we are still making mistakes. I think that it's okay to be proud of any bubbles that we make, no matter how long it takes to make them because we know that we haven't given up.

Someday my son will be able to blow bubbles without a second thought.

And someday we will be able to live the gospel more naturally too.

Someday we will return to live with our Parents, having become like Them, and every stumble along the way will have been worth it.

We just have to keep dip dip dipping the bubble wand until we get there.

Personal, Spiritual Growth Talk

I was asked to share the talk that I gave in church today, so figured I'd go ahead and just copy and paste it into my blog. 

I was asked to speak on personal growth from a spiritual aspect. I'm back living in the ward that I grew up in from 12 years old until I served my mission, so many of the people here have watched me grow in all of the ways. 

I haven't really proofread it, so please forgive any errors! I hurt my back earlier this week, so this talk was honestly written mostly last night, though I've been thinking about it all week while recovering. I gave it almost straight from the paper as I was still not feeling great this morning, so what you're about to read is almost exactly what was said in sacrament meeting today. 

I hope you enjoy it!

In primary we learn the basic answers for living a righteous life; study the scriptures, pray, go to church, be nice to others, be reverent, etc. Those are the answers to almost every question. We learn that God loves us and that Jesus died for us and that that was important for some reason. As we get older we expand on that a little bit more. We learn stories from the scriptures that demonstrate faith. We come to understand more about why Christ died. We learn more about what He taught when He was alive and what he taught when He came back. Not all of the stories always made total sense to us, but it all ultimately came down to a few things. We should study, pray, go to church, be nice to others. God loves us and Jesus died for us. 

Then we start to get more in depth. We learn about the priesthood, modesty, all of the little do's and don'ts. Again, we know that they are important, but maybe don't fully understand why.

When I was in Young Women's, I felt pretty confident that I was living the gospel "right". I studied and prayed every day, I went to church on Sundays and mutual activities on Wednesdays. I loved church and loved learning about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I loved feeling like I was following all of the rules. I dressed modestly, didn't swear, tried to serve others. I was missing quite a lot still though. I would often scrutinize what the other girls were wearing to see if they were up to standard. I would judge those who dated before they were sixteen. I honestly was trying to help when I reminded others of the "rules", but I was missing some very important things. 

******It helps to understand here that I was the ONLY Young Woman for a year and a half and then was at least 3 years older than every other girl once more started coming up. So I felt very much like I needed to be a good example to them and teach them how to do things "right"**********

I was really good at recognizing the good in my non-member friends. I knew that they believed differently than I did, and so it was much easier to not judge them. I talked to my friends about the gospel all the time, but wasn't pushy. I didn't shove the gospel down their throats. If they didn't understand or accept the gospel, that was hard for me, but understandable. 

But if you were a member, I fully expected you to live the gospel the way that I thought that it was supposed to be lived. I still loved and learned a lot from the members in my life of course, but I was quicker to notice if someone still had extra ear piercings, tattoos, or skipped church to go hunting than if they were service minded, had a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon, or put a lot of thought into their lessons.

And even though I followed all of the rules, I greatly struggled with really feeling a closeness to Christ. I KNEW that He was there and that He loved me. I KNEW that Heavenly Father listened to my prayers. But I didn't FEEL them. I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting answers to prayers when I was doing all of the standard primary answers, following For the Strength of Youth, etc. I was convinced that I must be doing something wrong still for me to not be recognizing the Holy Ghost in my life, but I had no idea what. I had many tear-filled conversations with my Dad about it and he assured me that I felt the Holy Ghost more than I realized. But I felt like, shouldn't I KNOW if I was feeling the Spirit?

Preparing for a mission gave me a huge aha moment. As I studied Preach My Gospel and got to the chapter about recognizing the Holy Ghost, I learned that there were SO many more ways to receive communication with God than just the warm, fuzzy, burning-in-the-bosom feeling that is most talked about. I also learned what dispensations were and why it was so important for a Restoration to happen. I had learned about and lived the gospel my whole life and yet didn't know, or maybe just didn't fully understand, the fundamental teachings that are essential for converts to know and understand before they're baptized. It's like a whole new world of the gospel was opened up for me. I soaked in every little thing in the MTC and every Zone and District meeting. 

I truly believe that serving a mission was absolutely necessary for me and my spiritual growth. The prompting to serve a mission was the first time that I could say with complete confidence that I got an answer to a prayer. And it is clear to me now why it was so important for me to serve. 

I honestly had a really, really tough mission. I struggled with my health throughout, to the point where I was almost sent home a couple of times. I had notoriously difficult companions. And I didn't have what many would call a "successful" mission. It was incredibly hard to find people to teach where I was. Very few people spoke English, and those who did were often unaccountable because they had fried their brains with drugs or else had severe mental problems. 

And yet I can honestly say that I loved my mission and that it is the best thing that I have ever done. 

It was as a missionary that I learned to truly love people for who they were. And don't get me wrong, I've always been a pretty compassionate and loving person, but this was different. I learned to look at everyone and picture them in white. To see them as the children of God that they are. To have a love for them on sight and an intense desire to lead them home to their Heavenly Father. I learned that rules and standards are important, but intentions and testimony or just as key. I learned that some of the strongest testimonies come from those with the craziest pasts. I truly came to understand that God cares a lot more about your presence in church than about what you're wearing when you're there. That smelling cigarette smoke in the chapel is more of an indication of a person's desire to change than it is of their desire to sin. 

I also learned that understanding revelation often is incredibly difficult. That it is a learned skill that needs to be worked at. That everyone experiences the influence of the Holy Ghost differently and that it sometimes takes time and effort to discern what your style of communication is. I also learned that that is okay. That it is okay if I don't always feel like I got an answer to my prayer. Or if I don't understand the answer that I received. It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with me.

I learned that what Heavenly Father really wants is for us to try our best. And I learned that my best is determined by Him, not by me. 

As probably most missionaries do, I struggled a lot with feelings of inadequacy and discouragement. Especially because I was sick so, so often, I felt like I was letting EVERYONE down. My companion, the ward that I was serving in, every single person that lived in that area, and, most significantly, God. It's like I could just feel His disappointment. Everyone told me to just do my best. And I was trying really, really hard, but WAS it my best? There was always more that I could be doing. 

I'm not sure exactly when the lightbulb flipped on in my brain, but at some point I realized that Heavenly Father wasn't looking down at me in disappointment. He looked down and was so incredibly proud of me. He looked down and thought "look at how hard she's trying and how much she cares." And sure, He was just as aware of my weaknesses and inadequacies as I was. But He loved me enough to see past those into my heart. He wasn't this disapproving being frowning down at me, but a loving Father who was at my side through every difficult turn. 

Don't get me wrong, I had grown up learning that God loved me. I studied about how God is our loving Heavenly Father in Preach My Gospel. But for some reason that just never seemed to apply to ME in the same way that I applied it to everyone else. 

The year or so after my mission is when I tend to feel that I was the best that I've ever been. I still studied and prayed every day, went to church every Sunday, dressed modestly, and didn't swear. But I also was more merciful and compassionate to those around me, and also to myself. I could look at people that lived the gospel differently than I did and appreciate their personal faith and testimonies and that it was okay if they showed their love for the Lord a little bit differently than I did. 

Okay, I feel like I've talked about the main, institutional milestones of spiritual growth in my life. But I want to talk about one more thing. 

The rest of our lives.

I honestly believe that the best ways to grow spiritually are the everyday, standard primary answers, but more especially that the best PLACE to grow spiritually is in the Gethsemanes of our lives. 

I'm talking about trials here. And not only every day trials, but big, honking, I never-could-have-imagined-this-ever-happening-to-me trials.

Throughout my whole life I have suffered trials that didn't seem typical to other people. The biggest one growing up was my mysterious medical problems that no one could figure out. Then out at college I faced abuse and eventually became the victim of a felony at the hands of my ex fiancé. Since then I have experienced (and continue to experience) more soul crushing trials. And I don't tell you this because I want you to pity me. I tell you this because it has been in the midst of these seemingly insurmountable trials that I have felt closest to my Heavenly Father.

There have been a few times when people have asked me why my faith never wavered through some of the things that I have experienced. And I remember the question catching me very much off guard the first time because for me, when I am in the middle of an intense trial, I often feel very much alone. And in those moments I honestly feel that the ONLY thing that I have to hold on to is my God. If I don't have Him, then what do I have?

During the trials that would have made others question their faith, I have held tighter and tighter to the knowledge that I am not alone, that I have an all powerful, mighty God in heaven that loves ME and is by MY side and listening to every single one of my tearful prayers. That is what has gotten me through every bit of pain and suffering that I have felt in my life.

It truly has been in the fires of affliction that I have felt most compelled to believe that there is someone who knows me and my pain. Who totally, completely understands me and my needs and is 100% on my side. Who wants my eternal happiness even more than I do.

It is in the hardest times that reading my scriptures, praying, fasting, going to church, and serving others are the most vital and bring me the most growth of spirit. Because those are the times that God's hand is most visible in my life. The times when I can recognize the angels on earth that He sends to me along with a multitude of other tender mercies. 

I wish that I could say that I feel like I am stronger than ever spiritually at this moment, but to be honest, I don't. The standard primary answers that I have clung to my entire life have gotten hard to do at times. I have felt incredibly worn out for the last few years. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. But I still firmly believe that God is real. That He loves me. That He sent His Son down to suffer for every little thing that I would suffer not only to pay for my sins, but to understand them. To understand ME. And I truly believe that the opportunity to repent is the greatest gift that I have ever been given. Because while it is hard to look at myself now and look at myself a few years ago and feel that I'm not as strong as I was, I know that it doesn't have to stay that way. I know that the path is clear and the door is always open to me. I know that Jesus Christ has felt what I am feeling right now and He understands my weaknesses and He also sees my strengths. And I know that even when my mind and body fail at times, He can help me to be strong in the spirit.

I want to bear my testimony that I know that wherever you are in life, God sees you. He sees your needs and He feels your pain. He is so proud of every step that you take towards Him, no matter how small it may seem to you. He is always there and He ALWAYS loves you. It is never too late, you have never become too weak or too far from Him. Spiritual growth isn't something that happens alone. It happens with Him.

In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

On the Rise

I've had this post in my mind for a while now but haven't really known how to write it exactly.

I guess to start, I'll share the inspiration for this post. There is a YouTube movie called Dr. Horrible's Sing-along Blog and in it there's a song called My Eyes (lyrics at the bottom). It's a juxtaposition between Dr. Horrible and his crush Penny's views on the world around them. Dr. Horrible only sees all of the bad around him while Penny focuses on the good. Their points of view are so completely on the opposite ends of the spectrum that Dr. Horrible feels himself becoming more evil as he looks around him while Penny feels more hopeful.

I already really, really liked this song, but with everything that's been going on in the world this year, this song has hit home more and more as I continue to listen to it.

Let's not beat around the bush. 2020 has been REALLY sucky in many, many ways. The apocalypse bingo memes just keep on coming as the weeks and months go on. There is sickness, loneliness, violence, lies, natural disasters, dangerous animals, and on and on and on. And it can be so easy to feel hopeless and frustrated and disbelieving of not only all that is happening, but also at the responses from other people that we see. People arguing, endangering others (whether Coronavirus related or rioting, police brutality, murdering related, etc.), and generally just being crappy to each other.

On the other hand, there's the oft shared quote from Mr. Rogers;

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

With great trials always comes great blessings. We have seen neighbors looking out for each other, teachers going the extra 100 miles to help their students, essential workers putting themselves in danger for the rest of us, celebratory parades, virtual baby showers and wedding receptions, virtual game nights, businesses doing a lot of extra things to help make sure that people can still do what they need to do as much as possible while still being safe, heck, even silly app games trying to make quarantine just a little more enjoyable.

Times like these bring out both the worst and the best in people. It's important not to get too caught up in one or the other. If we focus on the bad, it is easy to feel angry and alone, but also at times prideful as we see ourselves as superior to those who do or think things differently than us. If we focus only on the good, we miss important lessons that come from observing the bad. It's important to look on the bright side, but not so much that we're blinded to reality.

Lehi tells his son that there is "opposition in all things." And there is meant to be. As he says;

If not so,... righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

The bad times help us appreciate the good. The bad people help us recognize the good ones. Sickness helps us appreciate our health, social distancing helps us appreciate our friends, arguments help us appreciate civil, respectful discussion, corrupt cops help us appreciate the truly good cops, riots help us appreciate peaceful protest, and hurricanes and wildfires help us appreciate helping hands from strangers.

The bad also reminds us of the work that we still need to do. It reminds us that infrastructures need to be examined and improved, individual emergency preparedness needs to be worked on (toilet paperpocalypse anyone?), basic hygiene practices still need to be normalized (proper hand washing), factual researching needs to be learned, and racism still needs to be squashed.

We are in the middle of a refiner's fire. We can come out of this gleaming and beautiful; having become more helpful, understanding, compassionate, hardworking people. Or we can come out of this as a mottled lump of unusable metal; disgruntled, judgmental, self-righteous, and combative.

What we become depends entirely on how we perceive all that is happening around us. Is evil on the rise? Harmony? Maybe a little bit of both? How we react to the trials set before us will determine which wins out in the end. One can overtake the other. Which will we choose?

It is completely okay to feel overwhelmed, sad, afraid, and even angry about the circumstances that the world is in right now. But it is also very much okay to feel grateful, hopeful, relaxed, and happy. It's great to enjoy the time that we are being given to spend at home. To spend time on ourselves, our families, and our homes. To take the time to renovate, rejuvenate, and reconnect. But it's also okay if you are instead just trying to make it through all of this.

Remember that we'll all be out in the world someday and we will get to choose what things "going back to normal" looks like. It can include prioritizing relationships a little bit more. It can include continuing to work on new or old talents or hobbies. It can include better discussions about things that we disagree with or simply do not understand. It can include change in how we view and treat those who are different from us. All of those things are completely up to us.

Let us recognize both the good and the bad that is on the rise today. But let us let the bad help us to appreciate the good and also fight just that much harder for the good. Let it bring us closer to one another as fellow human beings. We're all just doing the best that we can here.

What do you feel is on the rise in your life? If it's not what you want, then maybe a shift in perspective is all you need to help you support the rise of what is good and right instead.

Life isn't all black or all white. It's a myriad of colors that all flow together to help us to learn and grow. Don't be afraid to acknowledge both the good and the bad in the world. Don't be afraid to recognize the evils in this world. But also don't be afraid to recognize the blessings that come from the trials.

Let us take this opportunity to learn how to allow light to rise up in our lives, communities, and nations. Let us learn to snuff out the darkness around us by our actions and reactions.

Ultimately, we choose what is on the rise.

PS- Before the lyrics to My Eyes, I wanted to share some of the things that have been going on this year. Most will have heard about the bad things, so I'm not going to put links on all of them. There are a couple that have had very mixed reactions as well that I'm going to list. Please feel free to do your own research on them! I am going to link some of the good that has been seen in the midst of it all though. There are many good stories out there, but I am especially interested in the ones that directly correlate with the bad (as you will see below).

If you know of more good stories related to the bad happening around us, please share them in the comments either on Facebook or on this blog post.

Some bad:

Coronavirus
Police corruption in cases such as Breonna Taylor and George Floyd
Murder of five year old Cannon Hinnant
Firefighter's wallet stolen while he was working on fighting a fire
Property damage and looting during rioting
Wild fires
Hurricane Laura
Explosion in Beirut
Poisoning of candidate opposing Putin in the Russian presidential election

Some mixed reaction:
Kyle Rittenhouse
Jacob Blake

Some good:
Couple serves their cancelled wedding reception food at a homeless shelter
Pets are reunited with their owners after the Beirut explosion
Teachers turn their students' desks into Jeeps to make the glass and distancing less weird
Some instances of good cops helping PoC


PPS- Lyrics to My Eyes:

HORRIBLE
Any dolt with half a brain
Can see that humankind has gone insane
To the point where I don’t know
If I’ll upset the status quo
If I throw poison in the water main

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise

PENNY
Look around
We’re living with the lost and found
Just when you feel you’ve almost drowned
You find yourself on solid ground

And you believe
There’s good in everybody’s heart
Keep it safe and sound
With hope, you can do your part
To turn a life around

I cannot believe my eyes
Is the world finally growing wise
‘Cause it seems to me
Some kind of harmony
Is on the rise

HORRIBLE (overlapping with Penny below)
Anyone with half a brain
Could spend their whole life howling in pain
‘Cause the dark is everywhere
And Penny doesn’t seem to care
That soon the dark in me is all that will remain

Listen close to everybody’s heart
And hear that breaking sound
Hopes and dreams are shattering apart
And crashing to the ground

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s filled with filth and lies
But it’s plain to see
Evil inside of me is on the rise

PENNY
Take it slow
He looks at me and seems to know
The things that I’m afraid to show
And suddenly I feel this glow

And I believe
There’s good in everybody’s heart
Keep it safe and sound
With hope, you can do your part
To turn a life around

I cannot believe my eyes
How the world’s finally growing wise
And it’s plain to see
Rapture inside of me is on the rise

"To Be Human"

"Because to be human means to be capable of feeling more than one thing at one time."
-"A Take On Perspective"

These past few weeks I've been quietly watching the world argue about George Floyd, riots, protests, Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, etc. and have kind of been afraid to say anything because I really don't need arguments on my page right now. But I have also really WANTED to say something because I deeply hate racism and keeping quiet doesn't help anything.

I don't pretend to know everything about everything.

I don't know how much of the police system is corrupt. But I do know that there are a lot of wonderful police officers who are doing their best to make the world around them a safer and better place. I also know that there absolutely are officers that abuse their power and use it to hurt others.

I don't know much about racism. I know that there is a lot more of it out there than a lot of people want to believe. I know that black people deal with a wide range of responses to the color of their skin. I also know that black people are just as much people as anyone else.

I know that Black Lives Matter doesn't mean that lives of other races don't matter or don't matter as much. It means that Black Lives Matter too. It means that Black Lives have suffered a great deal in ways that other lives haven't and that that needs to change. It doesn't mean that white lives, Asian lives, Hispanic lives, and all other race, color, and religion's lives don't also have suffering in them. But that right now, Black Lives are lives that we do need to work on improving.

I grew up half in Maryland and half in Pennsylvania. In MD, I lived in an area that was a huge melting pot. I had friends/went to school with kids that were black, white, Chinese, Korean, Pakistani, Hispanic, Jewish, Muslim, Christian, and more. And in my mind, they were all the same. I was aware of the differences and aware of the discrimination that many of them faced, but to ME, they were all just people. My best friends were white-Uruguayan, and Filipino. I liked learning about their cultures and trying the yummy foods that their parents made. I liked hearing the different languages that were sometimes spoken.

I also spent a lot of time at my neighbor's house where everyone was black. I never felt like I was in danger or that I was different than them inside. I did notice that they took care of their hair very differently, but that was about it. And I thought that it was really neat to see how they did.

However, there were also neighborhoods that were predominantly black that I knew were dangerous. Places that (if they had been close enough for me to go to on my own) I would never walk around on my own. I never thought that they were dangerous because of the skin color of the people that lived there, but because of the type of people that they were. The way that they personally acted.

When we moved to PA, I was extremely uncomfortable with my new environment of 99% white. Even though I'm white. I hated a lot of things about living in an (almost) all white community. I hate that people would say things like "I'm not racist, but I could never marry a black man" or "I just don't see how people find black men attractive!" I hated that everyone ate the same few foods all the time and that my friend wouldn't even try curry when my parents made it when they came to my house. Not all of the white people were the same of course, but the overall majority did have very similar views and tastes when it came to diversity.

I am so incredibly grateful that I lived in Maryland first. That my most formative years were spent learning to see people for who they are on the inside. What they think and believe and how they act. Learning that color does matter to a lot of people, but that it shouldn't.

What happened to George Floyd is abominable. It is a very clear example of a lack of respect for human life as well as the corruption that can be found within positions of authority. It is a blatant example of racism and needs to be addressed accordingly.

I don't agree with rioting, but I can understand why riots happen. Sometimes people see it as the only way to be heard after seeing so many peaceful protests not only ignored, but railed against. Sometimes riots don't begin as riots, but as peaceful protest. But then are escalated either by opposers fighting against the protesters, or opposers infiltrating the protest and instigating violence from the inside. I don't know which instance has happened which times. The issue remains the same though. If racism was properly addressed in both governments and individual lives and communities, then riots would cease to happen.

I don't know as much about racism as I should in order to help things. But I do know that it is real and that the best way to stop it is to stop arguing and take a second to just learn.

The quote that I put at the top hit me hard and helped me to find the courage to post. I highly recommend reading the article that it came from.

It is possible to feel sorrow for George Floyd, frustration, fear, and confusion about the riots, pride at the protests, and simple uncertainty about the situation as a whole.

I don't support rioting, but I do support those who are fighting for rights that should have been wholly available to all long before now. I don't support police shaming, but I do support those who have seen and experienced police corruption. I believe that ALL lives matter, but I will never respond to Black Lives Matter with All Lives Matter because of course they do. But Black Lives are what we're addressing at the moment.

And I'm sure that there is corruption within the Black Lives Matter movement just as there is in the police system. But that doesn't invalidate the entire movement just as the corrupt cops don't invalidate the efforts of cops that bust their butts to keep communities safe.

It's okay to feel conflicting emotions about what is going on. In fact, it's completely natural. And not only that, it shows that you are honestly trying to consider and understand all sides of the situation. And that is how it should be! Situations like this remind me that there is a lot that I have to learn about not only how to treat people personally, but how to understand them and where they come from and where they stand. It's a reminder that there is a lot that I don't know, but that that can change.

I hope that I have been able to accurately express how I have been feeling.

It needs to be acknowledged that while not all cops are corrupt, many are. And that needs to be fought against. It needs to be acknowledged that while all lives matter, Black Lives are repeatedly treated as if they don't, or that they matter less. And that needs to be fought against. It needs to be acknowledged that we can't acknowledge every issue all at the same time. It's okay to focus on one at a time. Acknowledging one issue (like discrimination against black people) doesn't mean that you don't also acknowledge another (like discrimination against Jews). Black Lives Matter doesn't mean that the lives of unborn children don't also matter, or the lives of Asians, or Muslims, or people with mental or physical disabilities. But what we are currently talking about is black lives.

Lastly, it needs to be acknowledged that it's okay to not know exactly where you stand or what to believe. There are infinite sides to every story and we shouldn't be expected to know every single one. But it IS important to always be looking to learn more.

Of course all lives matter. But Black Lives Matter too. And that's what we're talking about right now.

The Blessings and Dangers of Potential

In the past week I've found myself discussing a certain General Conference quote with two different people in two different situations. You may have guessed that it's the one above.

I love this quote!

I also really, really hate it.

I'm going to go off of that for a bit, but I promise I'll get back to the quote.

Dating in the church can be super confusing I think. On the one hand, we see examples of amazing couples in the apostles and their spouses. We listen to talks where people praise their eternal companions and talk about how God brought them together in a specific way. We start to feel like there is one single person that is right for us and that we need to know by revelation that we've found them. And then we expect everything to be wonderful.

On the other hand, we also hear things like "any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage" which gives the idea that maybe we need to stop being so picky and just choose someone to love and stick with them.

Both of these ideas have value. I definitely believe that God should be included in your decision of who to marry and that He can help you to find a good spouse. I don't think that He wants you to "settle" any more than you do. I also believe, though, that there is so much more to finding a spouse than falling in love, praying about it, and getting married and living happily ever after.

I felt really good about marrying my ex fiance. I loved him deeply, was willing to work through any hardship, and prayed fervently to know that he was the right choice. In moments of doubt, I was reassured by the Spirit that he was the right choice for me. I was fully expecting my happily ever after.

That didn't happen. And I don't think that it didn't happen because it couldn't have been good. As expressed in my most popular post, I really do think that things could have worked out for us. We wouldn't have had a perfect marriage, but we could have worked through anything together with the Lord.

It didn't happen because he made decisions that made it wrong. And once he used his agency to do that and rejected every opportunity to improve (and he definitely had the opportunity, trust me), then it was made clear by his arrest that he was not the right one for me after all.

I am now married to a wonderful man who I love dearly. And we were definitely brought together in an unusual way that was highly influenced by the Holy Ghost.

When I met Jonathan, I had no desire to date him. For one, I simply wasn't interested in him, but more than that, I was simply terrified of dating at the time. Plus he was someone new and that was especially scary. Even when I did kind of start to like him, and even once we actually started dating, I was constantly contemplating an out. I didn't want to hurt like I had (and still was) again. And he was going to be leaving at the end of the semester and long distance had been hard enough when my life was going well. There was NO WAY that I could handle it with my life in shambles. So while I liked him a lot, I figured we'd break up at the end of the semester. If we got back together when he got back in five months, great! If not, that was fine too. I just couldn't handle any more stress and pain.

Over the five weeks that we dated before he left for Ohio, I had a realization that I wanted to keep dating him. I really, really didn't want to do that because of the aforementioned long distance, but I also really, really did. I didn't even totally know why I did. It simply felt like the right thing to do.

And then Heavenly Father made it clear that I was going to marry this guy. Again, I wanted to marry him, but I also wanted to take alllllllllll of the time to do it. I had been engaged before, been so close to having everything that I had ever wanted (or so I thought), and I did NOT want to put myself back in that position only to have my heart ripped to shreds a second time. No, I was more than happy to do the dreaded long distance thing again, then date Jonathan some more when he got back. And THEN, and only then, could we get engaged.

But God had other plans and let me know very clearly that that wasn't what He had in mind for us. And so we got engaged before he left for Ohio and got married before summer ended.

Now let me tell you something:

Marriage is HARD. And getting married so fast has made it even harder. We didn't get the time that I wanted to get to know each other better, see each other in every situation, and make sure that we really were compatible. We didn't get the time to see if we were really capable of helping each other get what we each want to out of life.

Our long distance relationship was made even more difficult by the fact that due to Jonathan's summer job, we literally had hardly any time at all to talk. So we didn't have all of the conversations that I would have liked to have had.

Our wedding day really was one of the happiest days of my entire life, but I really was marrying a virtual stranger.

We've been married for a year and a half now and in some ways, it's been the hardest year and a half of my life. Which is saying something considering all that I've been through.

But let me get back to that quote.

I didn't marry the perfect person for me. I married someone with the potential to be the perfect person for me.

Jonathan and I both have many, many things that we need to work on both individually and as a couple. But what's important is that we both desperately want to be the best person for each other. We both recognize that we have faults, have made mistakes, have our own brands of brokeness, and that we've got a long way to go. And we're willing to take the time to work on all of those things.

I don't expect Jonathan to be perfect right now, but I do see so, so much potential in him. And in the meantime, he's a dang good husband in SO many ways.

Potential, mixed with a sincere desire to reach said potential, is a wonderful, powerful thing!

The problem is that as we are looking for a spouse, it can be only too easy to focus a little bit too much on the potential and not enough on what is currently in front of us. We're not going to find a finished product, but there are varying degrees of being a "work in progress" and they matter.

My ex had, and still has, amazing potential! And this was a really tricky case because it really did seem like he was working hard to reach it. But in all reality, all of those efforts were a facade hiding all of the horrible things that he was actually doing.

Much of the time though, there really doesn't seem to be much effort going into becoming a better person, but we still hyper-focus on the potential that we saw when we first fell in love with them. We tell ourselves that it's unreasonable to expect perfection right away, which is true, but then we get into the dangerous territory of potential. It is good to see potential in others, but at the same time, it's not good to go into a relationship- or stay in a relationship -expecting the other person to change in a big way.

There were so, so many red flags with my ex. But I sincerely believed in his potential and that things would get better as time went on. That he would change.

What happened instead is that he manipulated me into compromising to accommodate the red flags. He gas lighted me over time and broke me down so much that I went along with whatever he wanted. All while still telling myself that the potential that I had seen was still there and that he could still reach it if I was just patient and loving enough.

And that is the danger of potential.

You should never marry someone expecting them to change. Or worse, expecting to change or "fix" them.

Not that you should expect everything to be perfect right off the bat or not believe that they have the potential to be better, but that just because someone could be great doesn't mean that they are going to be.

There's a balance that needs to be met; potential and a desire and willingness to improve. And I'll be honest, in abusive relationships, it's really easy for the other person to convince you that they really are trying. It's easy because you want so badly for it to be true. But then there's just this vicious cycle of being convinced that things will get better, then things getting way worse again, then them convincing you again that they love you and will be better. So this balance is easy to talk about and extremely difficult to actually identify at times.

My point is, we absolutely do marry potential. But we need to be so aware that potential isn't everything. Compatibility, intent, and a sincere willingness to work through any hardship together, still need to be in the equation.

Can any good man and any good woman make it work? I guess so. But are we really expected to just find someone to love and then stick with them no matter the cost? Not exactly. Not if you are not both putting in the work. And that's exactly what tends to be missing from the "any good man" quote when people talk about it. I've heard it referenced many times, but writing this post is the first time that I actually looked it up myself. This is the whole quote:

“Soul mates” are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.

There are some really, really important parts left out when we talk about that quote. It's not just "any", it's "almost any". And it's only if both people are willing to put in the work.

I was more than willing to put in the work with my ex. And I did. I put in all of the work. But that's not enough. He needed to meet me halfway and he didn't.

This whole potential thing only works when each person recognizes not only the potential in the other person, but also the potential in themselves. When we choose to work on reaching our own potentials as well as supporting and encouraging the other person to reach their's.

I was talking to a friend recently who is a recovering addict and has been doing really well for a while now. I asked him what the best thing that his wife has done that has helped him in his recovery and his answer really stuck with me. He told me that what helped him the most is when she started to work on her own recovery. Not that she was an addict, but she suffered from the effects of being married to one and that requires it's own recovery process.

He had started going through the motions of recovery previously, but it wasn't until he saw her putting in the work on herself that he was really spurred into working on his recovery with real intent.

In order for a marriage to work, it's important to recognize that no, your spouse is not perfect; but neither are you. Then once you've acknowledged that, get to work. Work on yourself and becoming the best you that you can be. And support and encourage your spouse to work hard and become the best person that they can be. Some goals can be worked on as a team, but some will need to be worked on individually. What's important is that you are BOTH putting in the work.

Every marriage has the potential to be amazing if a good man and a good woman love each other, and themselves, enough to work hard to make it amazing.

So yeah, you don't marry perfection and you should definitely not expect to, even with all of the revelation in the world telling you that that person is a good fit. I was definitely strongly guided to marry my Jonathan. Not because he's perfect and has been exactly what I've needed at every juncture, but because we have the potential to make a great life together.

Absolutely marry potential, but absolutely be ready to work hard on your own potential and make dang certain that the other person is ready to work on their's too. Neither of you are going to reach those potentials right away. So don't expect that. But expect constant effort from both. It's going to be trial and error, success and failure, but with time, and with the Atonement of Jesus Christ, you really can reach perfection someday. Not in this life, but in the next. But only if you work with your spouse, they work with you, and you both work with God.

Potential is a really beautiful thing. It's the knowledge that no one is stuck the way that they are; that we all have the opportunity to be better than what we are today. And I am so grateful that the Atonement of Jesus Christ gives us that opportunity to improve. Just remember that while everyone has the opportunity, they also have the choice whether or not to take it.

Be willing to take it and then find someone who is also willing to take it.

The rest of the paragraph from which the infamous "potential" quote comes says it all:

That said, none of us marry perfection; we marry potential. The right marriage is not only about what I want; it’s also about what she—who’s going to be my companion—wants and needs me to be.

If you find someone that you love, who loves you, who you are willing to strive be the best for, and who is willing to strive to be the best for you, marry them. That's the kind of potential that we're looking for here. You're not going to find someone that is perfect. And heck, you're not perfect, so why should you expect to marry someone that is?

No, you're going to marry someone that has the potential to progress towards perfection as you do the same. And if you find that person, life is going to be challenging, but it will also be wonderful. Reaching our full potentials is an arduous effort, but it is worth it. And when you do it together with someone you love, it is a beautiful thing.


Ps- The talks that I referenced in this post are Meetings the Challenges Today's World and Oneness in Marriage