Let's Pick Back Up From...

Artwork by Emily Shay

For Easter today, I wanted to share something that happened to me last Sunday. 

But first, a bit of background. For those of you who don't know, I sing. I'm not a professional by any stretch of the imagination, but I have a good voice and have worked hard on my singing abilities throughout my life. 

While my voice is good, my brain can only process so much music theory. I can't sight read. I can approximate, but I mostly learn new songs by listening and going over the piece over and over again. And each time I sing there are things that I have to get used to all over again, even if it's a song that I've sung before. 

The biggest issue for me is being able to follow the accompaniment (I spell that wrong every single time 😅); knowing when to come in, when to end, when to breathe, etc. So when I practice with a pianist, there are many times that one of us will stop and ask to go over a part again. "Let's pick back up from ______". And then we'll practice that a few times until we feel comfortable with it.

Sometimes it's because I got the notes wrong or didn't feel 100% sure about them. Other times it's because I messed up the words, or missed the entrance. But every time, either I or my accompanist will pick a place to pick back up and try again.

With all of that said; last Sunday was our stake Easter devotional. I had asked to perform a song a month or so ago. It took me a while to pick a piece because I was initially hoping to do a duet with my husband, but then we finally decided that that wasn't going to work out, so I decided to sing my favorite song, For Me Alone by Sally DeFord.

I haven't had many opportunities to perform in the last few years since I left BYUI, so I take every chance I can get. It has been especially tricky since moving back to Pennsylvania because there are no accompanists in my ward. As such, I asked a sister from another ward to accompany me for the devotional. But then I was sick for the better part of three weeks, so we never got together to practice.

The week of the performance, I was doing a lot better, but still had some post nasal drip going on in the back of my throat, so singing would sometimes make me cough and sometimes my voice would cut out when I sang. I was trying to decide if I should cancel my performance or if I needed to contact my accompanist to see if we could get together to practice when she texted me and told me that she couldn't play for me after all but had already talked to another pianist who said that she could play for me. 

Through the rest of the week I kept almost cancelling my performance. I was unsure of my voice, and Sunday was going to be a super busy day anyway, so thinking about all that I had to do throughout the day and then going on to perform that evening was a bit daunting. And then when I tried to set up a time to practice, the sister told me that her kids were sick, so she wouldn't be able to meet with me until the day of, before the devotional. I almost backed out. 

But all through the week, every time I picked up my phone to text the pianist and the stake music coordinator to cancel, I kept feeling like I needed to keep the performance. So I did.

I was going, going, going all day and then arrived early to the stake center to meet my pianist for the very first time and practice the song. Practice went well! Luckily I knew this one well enough that I was able to get used to the new accompanist without too much of a problem. It had been a while since I'd sung the song, so there were a few parts that I kind of needed to be reminded of, but overall it was good! 

When I got into the chapel and looked at the program I discovered that I was to be the very last performance of the night. I swear I'm always either the first or the last. I'm never somewhere in the middle. For the Christmas devotional, I was the first, so I suppose it was time. 

I sat through the devotional until it was finally my turn.

The performance was going well; my voice had cut out once, but it wasn't too bad. And then all of a sudden as I was singing the last verse, my brain just shut off on me for a moment. I was looking at the upcoming measure and got confused for a second, thinking that the notes were different than they were or something and I just stopped singing. 

Full stop. 

In the middle of the performance.

That has never happened to me before. I wasn't quite sure what to do. The pianist continued playing for a bit, waiting for me to come back in and I didn't. So she stopped playing.

I didn't feel like I could turn to her and say "let's pick back up from _____", so I took a breath, and then started singing the next line, hoping that I was singing the right notes. After a moment, the pianist came back in and we finished the performance. 

For Me Alone is a very poignant song, essentially saying that even if I were the only person who ever sinned, Christ would have still suffered the Atonement, just for me. 

As happens most of the time when I perform this song, I became emotional at the end. 

I finished the song, gave a nod to the accompanist, and then walked off the stand and right out of the chapel. I was a bit embarrassed, but I left because I was so overcome with the message that I had just shared. I spent most of the rest of the devotional out in the foyer with my two year old, who had been watching me from my dad's arms in the doorway.

After the devotional, I was blown away by how many people came and spoke to me about my performance. Everyone was so kind and complimentary. 

I was embarrassed, but overall proud of how the rest of the performance went, and extremely grateful that I was able to perform at all after all of the craziness of the weeks and hours before.

As I've thought about my performance this week, I have been struck by something. When the music stopped, the accompanist was ready and waiting for me to start singing again. She didn't say anything, she simply waited until I was ready and then picked up where I did.

It seems to me that there are many, many times in our lives that we falter. Where we feel stuck, lost, and confused and not quite sure where to go from here. There are times when we stray from God. But no matter how long we've stopped, Christ is always there with us, waiting for us to use His enabling power. And when we do, He is ready to pick right back up, where we are, and continue leading us to heaven.

He never leaves us. He is a quiet, constant presence. Always there. Always loving. Ever patiently waiting for us to allow Him to lift us up and help us to finish our journey home.

The song that I performed last Sunday ends with these words:

But if I alone had stumbled; if I alone had strayed

If I alone had wandered from the straight and narrow way

If I alone were foolish; if I alone were frail

If I alone had faltered when the power of hell assailed

If I alone bore guilt for which my all could never atone

He would have come for me

For me alone

I truly believe that that is the kind of love that Christ has for every single person who has and will ever exist. 

The tricky part is believing that that is the kind of love that He has for me. 

But I believe that He loves me. I believe that He waits patiently for me to pick back up when I fall so that He can brush me off, take me by the hand, and lead me to my personal salvation.

This Easter, I hope that this story will serve as a reminder to you that the magnificent Being who rose again on the third day did so for you. And that He would have done it if you were the only one who needed Him to.

He is with you. He loves you. And no matter what you do, no matter how far you may fall, He will be right there with you, silently saying to you, "When you're ready, let's pick back up from..."

Happy Easter everyone!

Also by Emily Shay