This Weekend

This has been a really big weekend for a few different reasons. June 15th was both the one year anniversary of my blog and the three month anniversary of Jonathan and I dating. And then today (as I start writing this at least) is Father's Day. I originally started writing a post just about the 15th, but I haven't really had time to write until now and I decided that I wanted to say a couple of things about Father's Day while I'm at it since it's today.

The anniversaries that were on June 15th both mark days that have changed my life forever and I really felt that today.

Before I started blogging, I was already pretty open about my ex being arrested and how it's affected me. But by following the prompting to start a blog, I invited Heavenly Father to inspire me over and over again with different posts that progressively delved deeper and deeper into everything that happened. Not just from the time of the arrest on, but all of the abuse that happened before the arrest. Starting a blog was the beginning of me doing my best to speak out about things that society skirts around that we really shouldn't. Starting it helped me to decide to change my major so that I could dedicate my studies to learning how to better help people that have suffered from abuse and addiction.

I've mentioned this before, but I've come to realize this past year or so that I learn the most by talking (or writing). I really struggle to sit and ponder about things and try to figure out how I feel. But I'll say things while talking to someone that either I really needed to hear or else I didn't realize that I felt that way about. I had a moment like that while talking to Jonathan where I realized- as I was saying it -that I wanted to be with him.

With all of that being said, blogging has been the best way for me to process everything that has happened and discover how much I've learned, how far I've come, and how far I still have to go.

That's all I'll say about my blogiversary for now.

Let's talk about Jonathan.

We gave you all a basic rundown of how we met, started dating, and decided to get married. So let me expand on all of that a bit more.

I know that our story sounds insane. We'd only been dating for about four weeks when we knew that getting married this summer was right, and for only one more week than that when we got engaged. There is still so much that we don't know about each other and we've been long-distance ever since the proposal and will be until pretty soon before the wedding. I was seriously hurt (to put it lightly) by a porn addict, and all of a sudden I'm engaged to another one that I've known for less than a year. I get that all of that sounds not only crazy, but down right stupid.

I get that because it's crazy to me and I would think that it's idiotic if I didn't know for sure that it's right.

In a previous post, I shared parts of a conversation that I had with Jonathan when we were just friends where I realized that I wasn't afraid to be close to porn addicts. I mean, I knew that to an extent because I had stayed close to people that I was already close to before the arrest that are addicts. But I realized that I was willing to let new people into my life that struggled with pornography as well.

What's interesting too is that earlier that semester, I had had a conversation with a good friend of mine where we ended up talking about whether or not I would ever be willing to consider marrying someone who struggled with pornography again. My friend said something to the effect of "I don't think that Heavenly Father would do that to you. I don't think that He would have you end up with a porn addict after everything that you've been through."

When she said that I kind of got this "Hold up" feeling and told her that I didn't think that that was something that I was going to be "protected" from. Not because Heavenly Father is sitting up there "muahahahaing" as He finds another addict to "inflict" me with, but because addicts are people. And just because I was severely hurt by one addict didn't mean that all repentant, fighting addicts had no chance to not only be with me, but make me extremely happy. Heavenly Father can't protect me from everyone that sins or struggles because there is not a single person out there that doesn't sin and struggle.

Anyway, then all of a sudden I had the thought that marrying a recovering addict could end up being a huge blessing for so many people. Because me getting up and speaking about my experiences is great. But me getting up and sharing my experiences of being abused by a porn addict and then having my husband get up and share his experiences with being a porn addict would be so much more powerful. Because then you get both sides of the story to an extent.

Obviously Jonathan is not my ex, so he can't exactly tell his side of the story, but he can talk about the difficulties of fighting addiction from experience. And together we can show people the very real happiness that is still available for both those who have been abused, and those who struggle with addiction.

My ex is the perfect example of what can happen if you lie about your addiction and don't get the proper help. My fiance is the perfect example of what can happen if you are honest and seek out help.

Anyway, that picture in my head of standing up with some faceless future husband and (hopefully) changing lives stuck with me. Not that that's the reason that I'm marrying Jonathan, but that conversation helped me to be open to dating him when the time came. Because it was finally solidified for me that I actually WAS willing to give another addict a chance. As long as he was truly fighting.

And let me tell you, my experience dating Jonathan is so completely opposite to my experience with my ex. My ex hid and lied about everything. He abused me in so many different ways and made me feel like anything bad that happened was my fault and that I deserved to be treated poorly.

My fiance is open and honest with me about his addiction. He treats me with an immense amount of love and respect that I no longer feel that I deserve because I'm still struggling to break out of the abuse mindset.

When I have an anxiety attack and am crying everywhere, I feel like I would totally deserve it for Jonathan to get upset at me and feel like I'm a huge burden and mess that he doesn't want to deal with right now. But he never, ever makes me feel that way. Not only that, but he literally believes that every time that I am struggling is simply an opportunity for him to love me more.

For example, I had a great day today! Until tonight. For reasons that I'm not going to get into right now, by the time Jonathan and I Skyped tonight, I was REALLY struggling emotionally.

All day I had been so excited to Skype him (as usual, but especially since today is Father's Day). I was going to try to look especially cute for him and was excited to talk to him about all of the reasons that I'm excited for him to be a dad.

What he got instead was me having the beginnings of a panic attack and sobbing uncontrollably.

I felt so bad that that was what he was getting for Father's Day; a miserable, hysterical fiance. Happy Father's Day to you Jonathan!

I felt that he would be totally justified in being disappointed that that was what he got. That it would make total sense for him to be frustrated at me for not being able to contain my emotions for two seconds so that he could end his Father's Day on a good note.

But he wasn't.

He was grateful to have the opportunity to love me more.

Is he even a real person? Is this real life? Who actually thinks and feels that way?

Jonathan. That's who.

And that's why I'm marrying him. Because there has never been a moment where Jonathan has made me feel the way that my ex did. But more than that, he exceeds (in more ways than I could ever describe) anything that I ever thought was possible.

I figured that someday (possibly years from now), when I was in a bit of a better place in my life, a man might potentially fall in love with me. But it wouldn't be until I was back to full functionality. It wouldn't be until I was steadily working and a full-time student again. It wouldn't be until my mental, emotional, and physical health were under better control. And when that guy did come into my life, he would love me enough to deal with any baggage that I still had laying around (because I knew that that crap wasn't just going to disappear).

Then in walks Jonathan. And he loves me right now, in the middle of my recovery process, as the mess that I am. And he doesn't just "deal with" my baggage. He begs me to let him carry some of it with me; to not carry it alone anymore. He doesn't like when I'm sad, but he does rejoice that he has an opportunity to deepen his love for me as he supports me.

Jonathan has an eternal perspective unlike anyone else that I've ever met.

He understands that I'm going to be healing for a very long time. Possibly forever. But he is willing to go through all of that with me because he thinks that I'm worth it. Because he loves me THAT much.

Jonathan doesn't see a broken mess. He sees someone who is being refined and built up into something greater and more beautiful than before. He sees so much more in me that I can see in myself.

Ever since Jonathan and I started to become friends, spending time with him, relying on him, opening up to him has just felt so natural. Where I would have felt anxious with others, I've always felt safe and comfortable with Jonathan. And I couldn't possibly stress enough how big of a deal that is for me.

Deciding to marry Jonathan so soon is not a decision that I made lightly.

Over those few weeks of us dating, I had ALL of the concerns. ALL of the anxiety.

What if we're not really compatible? What if he's lying about trying to recover? What if he ends up hurting me like my ex did? What if I'm not good enough for him? What if I end up in another abusive situation? Am I strong enough to not do that? What if I miss warning signs? What if I end up caring about him so much that red flags go over my head? What if what if what if?!

Oddly enough, what ended up giving me the most anxiety was actually how perfect he is for me.

No one can actually be this loving. I don't think that he's faking, but I think that there will be a point where all of my crap will get old. Where he'll realize that  "Wow, I DON'T actually want to deal with this anymore. It's way too much. This girl is messed up beyond what I can handle." And if he actually IS that good of a person, then he deserves SO much better than what I can give him. Someone this amazing deserves someone whole. He is too perfect. I can't keep putting him through this misery. I want him to be SO happy. He deserves ALL of the happiness. All I do is make his life harder. All I do is weigh him down. He deserves to be with someone that can measure up to the love and patience that he shows me. Someone this amazing can't possibly be content to be with someone like me for their whole lives. What if we get married and then he realizes a few years down the road that he wants more than what I can give him? He would be totally justified in that because he deserves more.

Holy exhausting anxiety Batman!

So believe me when I say that Heavenly Father had to seriously kick me in the pants to make me accept that marrying anyone so soon is the right thing to do. I wasn't kidding when I said that I wanted to take ALL the time to date and get to know Jonathan before marrying him. Dating was too scary. Marriage was too scary. I was freaking petrified when I thought of being vulnerable enough to fall in love again. To give my poor, fragile, cracked and healing heart to another person that could potentially shatter it again.

There was no WAY that I was going to take a decision like this lightly. And I didn't. And I don't.

If you could understand the depth of my fears, you wouldn't doubt my decision to marry Jonathan for a second. If you could see all of this through my eyes for even a second, you would know for sure that marrying Jonathan this summer would HAVE to be 112% the right thing to do for me to even consider it.

Going back to the "Holy Batman" anxiety though:

I've always struggled with self-esteem, but after being abused, I really struggle to believe that I could ever possibly deserve to be treated as well as Jonathan treats me. That I actually am worth all of the baggage. That it is possible for someone to see so much in me to love. Enough for them to want to be with me forever.

But Jonathan does! He really, truly does!

And even now, I struggle to believe that I can possibly deserve someone like him.

Jonathan is literally one of the most Christlike people that I have ever met. The love and respect that he shows me is unreal. Like, it is really hard for me to believe that he is a real person. It's like he's one of the three Nephites or something.

But he is real. And the love that he has for me is real. And the respect that he treats me with is real. And his desire to be with me FOREVER is real.

It's like Heavenly Father specifically prepared Jonathan to be my husband. Every experience, every hardship, every bit of growth that Jonathan has had in his life has shaped him into the person that I need. A person who is endlessly patient with me, doesn't see me as a burden or as broken, and only loves me more and more through every hardship.

And I know that Heavenly Father loves me, but that He loves me enough to hand-craft a spouse for me blows my mind.

I was thinking one night about the law of opposition and the concept of compensation. The law of opposition being that there is an opposition in all things. We can't be happy if we have never been sad. And the concept of compensation being that every trial that we go through will be compensated an hundredfold back in blessings.

I have been through some pretty gnarly trials. Let's say that I've been through level 5 billion trials between health problems, abuse, and felony. And Jonathan is the compensation for that. Which makes Jonathan a level 5 billion x 100 blessing.

What?!?!

THAT is pretty dang cool to me.

And he really is. He really is (at LEAST) a 5 billion x 100 blessing in my life. When I'm with him, I feel so safe, so comfortable, and so incredibly loved.

And that doesn't mean that the anxiety disappears completely when I'm with him. Because it doesn't.

When he came to visit for a week for us to get our engagement pictures taken and give the porn talk in choir, I ended up having major anxiety one night that resulted in him not being allowed to touch me for almost a good two hours. Not because of anything that he had done wrong. And keeping in mind that we hadn't seen each other in a month and wouldn't see each other again for another two (plus) months. We only had that one week together, and for two hours of it, he spent time with me without being able to touch me without causing my anxiety to spike.

And he didn't mind that. He wasn't upset that I wasn't "satisfying his need for physicality", which is how my ex always made me feel, resulting in sexual abuse. No, Jonathan was completely sweet and patient through the whole thing. Not even trying to hold my hand or anything without asking. And the times that I said that I wasn't ready for him to touch me yet, he was completely okay with that. And he looked for ways to comfort me that didn't involve touching me. Which can be kind of hard since most of the time when I'm sad or anxious, I really just need someone to hold me.

The amount of love that I felt coming from Jonathan during that time, though, was vast. My love for him grew so much in those couple of hours. In the midst of me feeling anxious.

And that's how I know that this is right. Because no matter what I'm feeling anxious about, Jonathan's presence is comforting to me. If I'm anxious about dating, the person that I'm dating is the one making me feel okay about it. If I'm anxious about physical touch, it's the person that I would usually be cuddling with that makes me feel better. That seems a bit paradoxical, but it's true with Jonathan.

And that's why all of this is coming together on Father's Day.

Because Father's Day is a day to reflect not only on your earthly father, but also your Heavenly Father, and on the important men in your life. And knowing that Jonathan is going to be the father of my children has made today really special for me in a way that it's never been before.

Because I can't imagine anyone else being my companion in life. Not only my husband, but my partner in parenthood. Underneath all of my fears about marriage and motherhood (because I'm SO excited to be a mom, but am also basically terrified), I honestly can't wait to see Jonathan be a dad. And not just A dad, but the dad of MY kids. I can't imagine traversing this crazy, tumultuous life with anyone else. Because I know that Jonathan is going to be right there by my side through every single trial, fear, and insecurity. I know that if anyone can help me to be the kind of mom that I want to be, it's him.

(There is so much that I could say about all of this future parenting stuff, but I won't because this is already long. I'm sure I'll end up writing about it later. Suffice it to say that since I struggle to take care of myself all the time, the thought of being responsible for a tiny baby human is scary. But as I sat in sacrament meeting today thinking about the Fatherly attributes of God, it was so easy for me to see those same attributes in Jonathan. And it made the prospect of being a mother even more exciting for me because I'm going to have the best dad at my side as well as my Father watching over me and my family. But I digress.)

My blog has focused so much on everything that happened to me that broke me and everything that I have gone through since to try to heal. And being with Jonathan has been the best thing that could ever have happened to me to help me in that healing process. I am able to be so much more because of him. Because God sent Jonathan to be my angel.

So on this weekend of my blog anniversary and mine and Jonathan's anniversary I just want to say that I will be forever grateful for all that my blog has done (and will continue to do) for me and all that Jonathan does for me (which is A LOT). And on this Father's Day, I want to give a shout out to my Heavenly Father who has been with me every single moment (and will continue to be there for me for every moment of the rest of my life), and for the man that He sent to be with me in all of those moments now too.

I literally could not ask for anyone better.

"Hearts Don't Break Around Here" (His Side of the Story)

This is my favorite photo, and up until this point,
Anna has beaten me to using it. When she had the idea for us to
write our respective sides of the story, she graciously let me have this one.

Every night I'll kiss you you'll say in my ear

Oh we're in love aren't we?

Hands in your hair, fingers and thumbs baby

I feel safe when you're holding me near

Love the way that you conquer your fear

You know hearts don't break around here

-Ed Sheeran

(Hey there! Anna here! This is the first blog post that I've ever had someone else write. Everything that you're about to read was written by my fiance, Jonathan. You will probably be hearing from him on occasion in the future as well.)

I was very much of the mind that I wouldn’t get married for 4-5 more years (not for lack of trying).

I am an introvert, and up until a year ago, I could count, on both hands, how many dates I had been on since I was 16 (the age my church recommends youth start dating).

I’m also a recovering porn addict, and not too successful at that. Not until a year ago.

Music runs deep in my family, whether through instruments or through voice. While my parents and most of my sisters play multiple forms of instruments, I stick mainly to voice (haven’t played piano or violin in 15+ years). I was always singing in the church choir, which my mom directed, and when I went to school, I, of course, enrolled in an auditioned choir.

I took one year of school, to obtain 15+ college credits, as proof of education (I was home schooled) so I could enlist in the United States Marine Corps, my childhood dream.

While the journey to become a Marine has been rewarding, there are some less than savory parts that do not help, namely the culture of Too Much Information (TMI). Oh yes, Marines are very…….free with what they tell you, and in detail to boot. Not a good thing to couple with a pornography addiction.

After completing training at the School of Infantry, I returned home to Ohio to work. I was really not in good shape, relapsing multiple times a day.

Fear ruled all. Within the church, there is a stigma against pornography; a taboo that you just never talk about. And those who become addicted to it? Sure, there are people who will shun you out of surprised ignorance. Why? Because they just don’t know how to handle it. Good for them, that they kept themselves pure from the taint of pornography. The downside is that they have no clue how to handle someone who has.

Do not misunderstand me, I am not advocating that you dabble in such filth. I am asking those who have remained steadfast, in not partaking, to lend an understanding mind to those of us who have fallen. Satan plays on the fear that you will be thrown out of the church, and hated by everyone, if you ever reveal your terrible secret.

Oh yeah, he had me on the ropes, for 16 years. All that time, I was trying to repent incorrectly. You know, have my cake, and eat it. Never truly confronting how bad it was, or speaking with the people who could help me the most. I felt isolated; alone, and forgotten.

While I might have been in bad shape, I did know that I still wanted to go back to school, so I reapplied, and came back for the Winter 2017 semester.

Boy had things changed. There was this new choir director, and I was skeptical at first. She was having us do all these funny exercises, and voice warm-ups; it was weird.

That semester, I had read in the school newspaper, that a student had been arrested for felony, for hiding cameras in his fiancée’s apartment. It was tragic, that he had let his addiction sway him so far, to hurt the person he was to marry, for time and all eternity. It was….really messed up (I would usually be more colorful, in my description of the situation). It was a realization that the Rexburg Bubble was just a myth. Trouble can be found, if you go looking for it.

If there is one thing you need to know about Sister Smith, it is that she has an enormous heart, and that she is very punctual. Having worked with her, now for a few semesters, I can say that she plans each rehearsal to the minute. Class starts promptly at 3:15, and it ends, just as suddenly, at 4:15, with very, very few exceptions.

We had a concert coming up and practice time was precious, with the difficult pieces we were learning. It was a surprise, when she stopped class, for 20 mins, to talk to us about the story in the school paper, and speak about the dangers of pornography addiction. She knew both the students in question; perpetrator and victim. Had worked closely with him, and knew him to be an outstanding student and a hard worker.

That day, she bore her heart out, in love. Plead with those who were struggling with addiction, to get help. To know that there were those around that were willing to help, at a moment’s notice, with love in their hearts. It left a deep impression on me, marking a turning point in my life. No longer would I live in fear. No longer would I care how much pain I would go through. To become clean again, that was my singular goal.

Our choir maintains a Facebook page, to help communicate any schedule chains, or practices notes. The next semester, I returned home to Ohio to work, and Sister Smith again talked to the choir about pornography. I only know this because a person reached out, over the choir page, to tell her side of the story. Her name was Annaliese Kretchman. She wanted everyone to know that she didn’t hate her ex-fiancé, although she had every right to. That she felt forgiveness, even though he had committed a crime.

I knew that she must be a special person to have been abused in such a way, but to love the gospel so much, not only to stay in the church, but to forgive her offender. Even so, I never thought that our lives would ever cross.

Coming back to school for Fall semester, I discovered that the choir was participating in the church’s Light the World campaign. Because our semester ends mid-December, we decided to start in October, till the end of classes. Sister Smith was forming a student council, to find and organize service opportunities, and was asking for volunteers, so I put my name in the hat.

Our first meeting was spent figuring out who would be in charge of different aspects of our service initiative. We had decided that we wanted a unique theme each week, spreading from those nearest you to people you didn’t know. Think Sphere of Influence. That meeting is when I heard her name, and saw her, in person; Annaliese Kretchman.

At the time, she was dating a wonderful guy (I can personally attest. I’m friends with him), and she looked so happy, standing next to him. I thought that resolution had occurred, and that she had moved on with life.

One of the last themes we introduced, was that of serving complete strangers; people you might see every day, passing them by. It’s a college campus, so there are plenty of people to serve. My partner and I traded off sharing a story of service, whether from the scriptures, or our personal lives, and the lot fell on me this time. The Spirit reminded me of line from Lord, I Would Follow Thee: “In the quiet heart is hidden sorrows that the eye can’t see.” I thought of all the people I pass on the streets. What wounds do they bear that I can’t see?

I approached Sister Smith about the spiritual prompting, and asked if I could give the porn talk, this semester. I was given the green light, with some suggestions and concerns that Sister Smith wanted me to cover.

I was nervous, wondering how I would talk to 250 students, about something that I was currently struggling with. The idea came to talk about first impressions, an oft heard discussion amongst education majors, with job interviews in mind. As Anna has said, I dressed up nicely that day, styled my hair (not a usual occurrence), and was clean shaven (a given at BYU-I). When asked about my own impression, I received nothing but positive feedback. Not hard, as Anna says I am "super attractive."

Then to hit them with the hammer, that I was still struggling with pornography addiction, after 17 years. That there were choir members with the same struggle, and many others who have crippling anxiety, PTSD, thoughts of suicide, and depression. That beyond what we can see on the exterior, there were many bleeding out from spiritual, mental, and emotional wounds.

I’m not sure what I was expecting, as a result, but what became reality was 250 choir members reaching out to each other; those who suffer, and those who don’t. That individuals realized that they weren’t alone in the fight, and true Disciples of Christ stood ready, with outstretched hands. It was an amazing sight.

As life went on in the semester, I officially met Anna, singing at an assisted-living facility. Nothing much happened then, but a week or so later I was standing by to ask Sister Smith something about an upcoming project. Anna was already speaking to her, and she had started to cry as Sister Smith hugged her. I decided to make myself scarce since it wasn’t my business to pry in to.

The next day we were volunteering at a local food pantry and Anna caught a ride out with my friend and I. A song started playing, and it was too much for Anna, who asked if I could change the song; she had started crying. I wasn’t sure what I should do, or could do, since I was driving. We finished the service project, and found out that she had ridden back with another friend who was also there, but that our service leader had forgotten to tell me, so there was 10 minutes of frantic searching and messaging before we found out that she was safely home.

We texted back and forth more that night, and somewhere in there we learned that she can make really good cookies, and I really love baking cinnamon rolls. How it happened, I’m not quite sure, but I offered to teach her, and she accepted. I immediately lost my crap, because I had just sort of asked her on a date. I say sort of, because the words that came out of my mouth were not “do you want to go on a date and make cinnamon rolls with me?”, but the result was the same.

I’m not kidding, I freaked out, and wrote Sister Smith a long email, immediately.

Admittedly, not much happened, besides making some really good cinnamon rolls, with one of her roommates there for comfort support. Our friendship began there.

Over the Christmas break, we continued to message, and I saw her post on FB saying that she needed a ride for herself and her brother, who she had finally convinced to come to BYU-I. She was down in Salt Lake, and I had gone to Oregon, to see my grandparents. At the time, I didn’t really know why, but I will go out on a limb and say that it was the Spirit. I felt like I needed to be the one to provide that ride, and I happily ponied up.

Let us be clear, Oregon, to SLC, to Rexburg, is not “On the way”. It’s something like +4 hours, and I had a military training weekend, in SLC. The smart decision would have been to not give the ride and just stay at my sisters, and go to drill. What I did was add more hours of driving, to go up to Rexburg, then immediately turn around, literally, not figuratively, and go back to SLC for training.

Totally worth it.

Mostly talked on the drive up and got to know her brother. Like the cinnamon rolls, nothing significant happened per se. We just got to know each other better.

Winter semester, Anna invited me into her friends group; watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, the Marbleympics during Oreo night, and other fun activities. I went to every one, and was often the last to leave. Yes, she thought I was weird, but hey, persistence pays off.

A very impactful night happened in the first weeks. She called me late at night, to give her a blessing for the coming semester. We talked a little about what was going on, and she confided that she had felt like a failure the previous semester when all the service projects were going on and she was sick during most of them. She felt like she was a burden and only took from other people and could never give back. It was heartbreaking, to see someone who survived mental, emotional, and sexual abuse, think of themselves as broken.

Except I did not see some broken object before me, nor did I see a burden. There is a Japanese art form, which uses gold dusted lacquer to repair broken ceramics, and pottery. It is important to note, that in doing so, not only is the object repaired, into whole form, but it is more beautiful than it was previously. It had to be broken first, in order to be made into a masterpiece. As for being a burden, that is how we become stronger. By bearing more weight, we better ourselves, and can lift more. Anna would always be a burden that I would happily bear.

That night, I was able to hold her, and comfort her, then give her a blessing from Heavenly Father that expressed his everlasting love for her. That He knew her, not in some general manner, as one of His children, but personally, by name; Annaliese Kretchman.

I can’t pinpoint the moment that I started liking her, but by this time I definitely liked her. I wanted to spend every minute of time that I could. I’ve even fallen asleep on her couch while she and her roommate were watching a Korean drama (maybe not the brightest thing I’ve ever done).

I wanted to ask her on date, and knew that I needed to confront my addiction head-on. I couldn’t date her and be relapsing daily. It was hard (oh boy, it was hard), but I went clean for 2 weeks, before asking her. I talked to her brother to see if it was kosher, and he revealed that Anna had already been wondering when I would ask her out. When I did, she looked a panicked, as she said yes. She told me, straight up, that she was, and would, feel very anxious, and I needed to prepare myself if I wanted to date her.

We had many more conversations about her anxiety, in the weeks leading up to the date. I was preparing for a total meltdown, or just having to give her some space. Whatever it was, I was gearing up for a wild ride.

And then the ride didn’t happen. We went to The Greatest Showman (I do not endorse going to a movie as your first date, but it worked for us), and I sort of knew what the movie was about, but it wasn’t until the songs started, that I realized that it would be deeply emotional for Anna.

First she rested her head on my shoulder, then she put her hand on my arm, so I put my hand on hers.  Halfway through the movie, I felt like I should just hold her hand, but I wasn’t quite sure.

Confession time: I had never held a woman’s hand before. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship either. I was on my own for this one.

She reached for her bag to grab some tissues and I decided to Hail Mary it; *schwoop!* I held her hand…and she was ok with it. We held hands and cuddled for the rest of the movie.

Now, something you need to know about my family; we LOOOOOOOVE to critique movies. When the credits roll and we’re waiting for some of dem delicious post-credit scenes, we are actively talking about what we liked, how hot the main character is, which song was our favorite, and the list goes on.

As the credits start, Anna turned to me, and I was fully expecting a rundown of the movie. “Jonathan, I didn’t fell anxious at all!” Well, good-bye my heart.

I think that I knew then, that if I could help her feel that way; free, happy, and safe, that I would marry her.

We had originally planned to go hiking, but weather and health nipped that in the bud, but I had promised her that we would talk for the same amount of time we would have been in the car: 2+ hours.

We decided on the dunes, because there’s a scene in the movie, where PT Barnum talks to his future wife on a beach. No beaches in Rexburg, but we could at least get the sand. We walked for few hours, and got to know each other better.

Important to Anna was knowing why I cared for her. This was hard for me to answer for a couple reasons. 1) I am an introvert and I don’t talk if I don’t have to, 2) I am a very private person. Ask my mom. I hardly tell my family anything that is going on in my life, and 3) There is a sacrifice you make to earn the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor of the United States Marine Corps.

While they may not kill your heart, they certainly train you out of your inner most feelings. I had lost touch with my most tender emotions, and consequently have a hard time explaining them.

I knew that I cared about Anna, immensely, but at the time, I didn’t specifically know why.

Then, we were dating.

Like, dating dating.

Sure, there were still anxiety filled moments. Lots of crying on my shoulder, hugging, and comforting. There was also happiness. I had only known Anna since she had been abused. Sure, she could be happy, but there was always an undercurrent of sadness and worry.

I saw her transform into someone who had survived an abusive relationship, to someone who would take a chance on me, a sinner. She became free and radiant as our relationship deepened.

As the semester neared its end, we began to feel like we would probably get married, and if we did, it would be waaaaaay down the line. We had talked about the end of Winter, before realizing that we wouldn’t want to wait that long, so we started talking about the end of Fall semester, and having our first Christmas together, as husband and wife.

Then Revelation Sunday happened, and that all changed reaaaaaally quickly. Suddenly, with the confirmation of the Holy Ghost, we were getting married at the end of summer.

Originally, I thought I had to be back in Ohio, pronto, for military training, but through a gaff of my own, it turns out that I didn’t and I could stay a little longer. I thought it was such a blessing, to spend one more week with Anna, but it turns out it was because we needed to plan a wedding.

Oh, we sure thought it was going to be a relaxing week…not. We hardly slept and we napped hard.

Now, it’s time to talk about the proposal.

An interesting thing is that Anna still has the rings and dress from her previous engagement. She had picked them out, and designed them in the case of the rings, and they have personal meaning to her. Her ex just paid for them.

They were being stored at a friend’s house down in Utah, and we were heading down that weekend to go to a mutual friend’s wedding in Manti. We had discussed whether we wanted to use the same rings or get new ones. I had read a post from Anna about how she had chosen and designed the ring, and the symbolism that it had, and felt good about using it still. We decided to re-dedicate the ring, in prayer, to our marriage.

After picking up the dress and rings, we headed up towards Manti. We were just passing through Spanish Fork, going up into a beautiful mountain pass. It was pretty late at night, and the sky was clear. We were having a heart-to-heart, and things were getting heavy.

You see, I wasn’t planning on proposing for a few more days. Anna had wanted it to be a surprise, and for someone to be there to take pictures. Well, she got one of those.

So there we were! Beautiful country and a starlit night, having a deep conversation. We had just passed one of those scenic overlook pull-offs, and the Spirit told me to stop at the next one and propose. After all, stars are Anna’s favorite thing.

She had just asked “What are you thinking about right now?” right as I found a suitable place to pull over. We finished the conversation, then asked if we could get out and dedicate the ring. I saw a shooting star as I got out, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what my wish was. Anna will probably tell you more of the exact moment, but I will say that I watered her with my tears. After finishing the prayer, I turned to her and very simply asked her to be sealed to me, for time and all eternity.

It was perfect, and not even by my design. The last time she had asked someone “What are you thinking?” things went to hell in a handbasket, and abuse happened/was happening. This time, true love was there, and the Spirit to witness to us that we were doing the right thing.

And the rest? Well, that story is still being written.

Ps- We had the amazing opportunity to kick off the porn speech together in choir this semester. You can watch it here.

Wait, What? (My Side of the Story)

I'm letting him use our favorite picture of us this time because I'm a nice person.
So I'll settle for this one of us laughing. Even though you can't see his eyes.
Look at that smile though! And doesn't he look fabulous in uniform?
Love ya hon! ;)

Once upon a time, I got engaged and everyone was taken by surprise including me.

Hold up. What? What do you mean it took YOU by surprise Anna?

Well. Let me tell you.

Approximately 28 years ago, a boy named Jonathan Laulusa was born. Exactly four years and two months later, a girl named Annaliese Kretchman was born.

And the rest is history.

Okay, okay, there's more to it than that. I'm just not even sure where to start.

Let's start here.

I have PTSD. (Duh, we know that already).

I have PTSD, and so dating is basically terrifying for me. (We already knew that too).

I have PTSD, and so dating was basically terrifying for me until all of a sudden, it wasn't anymore.

And that didn't happen when I started dating Jonathan. Or my last boyfriend. It didn't stop being scary until Heavenly Father kicked me in the pants.

Wait.

What?

Let me legit explain now that I've obfuscated enough.

So Jonathan and I met during a service activity for choir. He was the one driving everyone.

The second interaction was similar, only with more tears.

We were driving to go volunteer at a food bank and I was sad. My awesome ex boyfriend had just broken up with me, and so all of the sadness that had been kept partially at bay while we were dating was flooding over me again. The song playing on the radio really set me off, and I asked Jonathan (who as far as I knew knew nothing about me or my story) to change the song.

That's the night that we started talking. He basically asked me if I was okay, told me that he noticed that I was struggling, etc. And I just unloaded everything on him. This random choir kid that I didn't know literally at all. And he was super nice about all of it.

We hung out once that semester. He offered to teach me how to make bomb homemade cinnamon rolls and I accepted... And immediately was nervous about it. It wasn't a date, but the thought of spending one-on-one time with a guy that I didn't know was asking too much of my anxiety. So I had a friend come and just be there in the kitchen with us while Jonathan was there so that we weren't alone.

And that was pretty much it for Fall semester. We made cinnamon rolls once, messaged each other a bit over Thanksgiving break, and talked a teensy bit in passing at choir rehearsals.

I'm not sure if this was before or after we first met, but at some point in the semester, Jonathan gave a speech in choir.

Every semester, my amazing choir director gives a porn talk during rehearsal. This started the semester that my ex-fiance was arrested and has occurred every semester since.

So this past Fall semester, Jonathan was the one who started the conversation. He dressed really nicely that day, stood in front of all of us, and asked people to give their impressions of him. Hands went up and people gave lots of really positive impressions. Jonathan then went on to talk about how everyone has things about them that are not easy to see. Struggles with depression, suicidal tendencies, etc. He said that we looked at him and saw all of these good things, but would never guess that he had a 17 year struggle with pornography. And then the porn talk went on from there, as well as talking about unknown trials in general.

So I knew from the start that Jonathan is a (now recovering) porn addict.

Moving on.

Jonathan continued to message me quite a bit over Christmas break. He always seemed concerned about how I was doing and it was pretty easy to talk to him. I honestly still felt a bit of an aversion to him though simply because I felt like he might be starting to like me and I didn't want him to because the thought of someone that I didn't know before everything happened liking me scared me a lot.

At some point during break, I posted on Facebook that I was looking for a ride back to Rexburg for me and my brother. Jonathan commented that he could swing by "on his way back from Oregon" and pick us up.

Um. We were in Utah. Not exactly on the way home from Oregon.

So I told him that I'd keep looking.

Someone else commented that they might be able to drive us, but Jonathan ended up being to one to do it in the end.

After a four(ish) hour long drive with him, I decided to let him into my friend group. (Not that it takes much for me to do that as I invite pretty much anyone that I can think of to anything that I host. I don't like to think that I'm leaving anyone out and I want to make sure that everyone has friends to do things with. No one should ever be alone if I have anything to say about it).

So I started inviting him to my games nights and things and he always came. And he would often be the last to leave.

I, again, got the feeling that he liked me and I didn't like that. I thought that he was really nice, but kind of weird.

We always hung out in groups though, so we didn't talk as much one on one for a bit. But then he started to become one of the people that I would go to when I was struggling. And he just cared for me so much, so obviously.

I didn't understand it. It made more sense with my other friends who had known me since before the arrest, but this guy had only known me since I'd been a hot mess. And yet he clearly cared a lot about me and wanted to help me as much as he possibly could.

(The conversation that inspired my You're a Person, Not an Addict post occurred in this time. It was with Jonathan if you haven't already guessed that).

I knew that he would ask me out at some point and I felt bad about it because I still didn't really feel like I liked him. I had started to feel like I maybe (possibly) liked him a little bit, but I was super unsure about it.

Eventually he did ask me out. I said "Sure!.......... You know that I'm going to be a ball of anxiety the whole time though, right?"

This was going to be my first date (with someone that I hadn't already known) since my ex-fiance. And that was SUPER scary for me.

Oddly enough, I actually ended up going on my first-date-with-someone-that-I-hadn't-already-known with a different guy from choir just the weekend before my date with Jonathan. It came totally out of the blue. I was super anxious during/after that date, so fully expected the worst from my date with Jonathan.

We had a few heart to hearts in between him asking me out and us actually going on the date. My interest in him grew in that time, but I was still hesitant.

We were originally going to go hiking, but then my health and the weather ruined that. So we resorted to the worst first date; going to see a movie. But decided to also just go somewhere afterwards and just talk since we would have had plenty of time to talk if we had been hiking.

We saw The Greatest Showman and were literally the only two people in the theater. That made me feel a little bit anxious, but not bad at all. It was actually kind of nice because then we could talk during the movie as much as we wanted.

Jonathan ended up holding my hand during the movie and I was actually okay with it. We cuddled a bit for the rest of the movie and I thoroughly surprised myself when I honestly told him during the credits that I hadn't felt anxious at all.

It's like I kept waiting for the anxiety to kick in as soon as Jonathan held my hand. But then it just... didn't. I felt completely safe and comfortable with him, and that's not something that really happens with me at this point.

After the movie we went to the dunes and just walked and talked. I explained all of the reasons that dating me would be really hard. And he did his best to explain to me why he cared about me so much; a question that I had asked him one night when he was comforting me.

Next thing I know, we're dating.

Like, dating dating.

I hadn't expected that. But it felt right. I felt so safe when I was with him, and I loved how much he clearly cared for me despite all of my baggage.

Jonathan has always been SO patient with my anxiety. The first few weeks of us dating was a lot of me going back and forth about whether it was right or not and being super anxious because PTSD. And he was perfectly content to have the same conversations with me every day. Reassuring and calming me down every day.

After only a couple of weeks of us dating, we already started to feel like we would probably end up getting married at some point. I wanted to date for a really long time first so that I could feel 100% sure. My anxiety did NOT like the idea of putting myself in a position to be hurt again. I wanted to know everything about Jonathan. I wanted him to know everything about me. I wanted us to see each other in every situation. Basically, I wanted to take ALL of the time before getting married.

And he was perfectly okay with waiting.

He definitely knew before I did that we were for sure going to get married. For me, it was more of a "probably" kind of thing.

We talked about possibly getting married at the end of the next Winter semester. So in a year.

That would give us more time to date- both long distance and in person -and to be really sure.

After a while though, I knew that- realistically -if we were going to get married, we wouldn't end up wanting to wait that long. So we speculated end of Fall instead. That would give us about 8 months. Even that seemed really intimidating and fast to me.

Now let me tell you about finals weekend of last semester.

Friday and Saturday were emotional roller coasters for me. My anxiety was through the roof about various things. I would go from feeling really happy and reveling in Jonathan's amazingness to feeling like there was no way that us being together made sense or would ever work out because there was no way that I deserved someone as incredible as him.

I had multiple cry sessions all over Jonathan in those two days. A couple on his kitchen floor, one in the car in front of Broulim's, etc.

Friday, after my second cry-sesh of the day, Jonathan had finally calmed me down once again and we were just chatting. We got talking about his eventual wedding (whether with me or someone else) and he started talking about different resources that he had with decorations and DJ equipment and such.

J: "I could DJ the wedding!"

Me: "You canNOT DJ your own wedding!"

J: "Why not?"

Me:*Exasperated look* "Because, you have to mingle with the guests, dance with your wife....."

And then it hit me. His wife was going to be me.

Oh man you should have seen me. A sentence that started out berating him turned into me freaking out (in a good way this time) because it had just been confirmed to me that I was going to be his wife. I couldn't stop laughing. I was completely ridiculous.

The poor dear was so confused. It came absolutely out of nowhere. He was fine with it though because he already knew that we were going to get married, he had just been waiting for my anxiety to shut up enough for me to realize it too.

Even after my come-to-Jesus moment of figuring out that I was, in fact, going to marry Jonathan Laulusa, my anxiety did not shut up.

And so Saturday was another day of going back and forth between being super excited that I knew who I was going to marry and being terrified that I would never measure up to him.

He did EVERYTHING for me. And all I did was cry on him all the time.

I felt like he deserved so much better than a sad little broken Anna.

Then came what we call "Revelation Sunday."

Because of my anxiety attacks, Jonathan and I got very little sleep Saturday night. As such, we weren't sure if we'd make it through all three hours of church. I literally woke up just in time to brush my teeth, but a dress on, grab a Pop Tart, and bike to church. I got there running on no food and almost no sleep.

And yet when the speakers started speaking, I was all of a sudden hit with a TON of revelation. Reassurances that marrying Jonathan was right, that I was more than good enough, that I needed to be okay with him helping me so much, etc. The speaker would say one thing and I would write a full page of seemingly unrelated notes. And then I would look up, catch another line or two of someone's talk and then be off writing again.

After sacrament meeting, we decided to try to at least push through Sunday School. So we get settled into our seats, I whip out my Pop Tart, give on of the two in the package to Jonathan, and start eating mine. After a couple of bites, a member of the bishopric informs us that there was a mix up and they didn't have someone to teach the class. And my poor, sleep-deprived self raised my hand and said that I would teach. I gave a wistful glance to my still-almost-completely-whole Pop Tart and went up to the front.

I had no idea what I was going to teach about, so I asked for a volunteer for the prayer. After the prayer, I was still unsure, so I just asked some basic questions to gauge what was needed. So I started teaching and then partway through was hit with what I really needed to teach. And it wasn't for the students. It was for me.

Yet another reassurance that I was enough and that I was doing more for Jonathan than I felt.

In Relief Society (after scarfing down the rest of my Pop Tart), I received a few more little nuggets of inspiration.

After church we napped for a good two hours or so and then reconvened to pack Jonathan's car to go to Ohio.

At one point, we took a break from packing. We sat and talked some more about our eventual marriage. We'd been praying together every night since the beginning of our relationship and had prayed a lot to know when the right time to take next steps were.

Even though we both knew that getting married to each other was right, I still wanted to take plenty of time to just date before actually getting married. That seemed only fair after everything that I've been through.

Anyway, we sat and talked about timing and what not and then eventually I suggested that we finish packing. Jonathan got really thoughtful though and suggested that we should say a prayer. So I kind of shrugged and then knelt with him in front of the couch.

Well.

As soon as he started to pray, I got a thought. A thought that I then spent the rest of the prayer trying to pretend didn't happen.

The thought that came to me was that we should get married this summer.

Excuse me?

Um. No.

So I argued with myself for the rest of the prayer; telling myself that there was no way that that was a prompting and that I should just forget about it.

But then... I definitely didn't want to get married that soon. And we had never talked about getting married that soon. Jonathan had never pushed me to consider getting married any sooner than a year from now. End of Fall had been my idea and then felt okay when we prayed about it in our family prayers at night.

So where did that thought come from?

Jonathan finished praying and I didn't move. I was still arguing with myself. Really, I was arguing with God. Heavenly Father, this is scary. I love Jonathan and want to marry him, but NOT that fast. 

Jonathan said that I didn't move for a good 15 seconds or so.

Eventually I looked up at him and told him (very begrudgingly) the prompting that I received.

Needless to say, he was very surprised to hear that come out of Anna-the-Anxious's mouth.

But here's the thing guys. We then both felt REALLY good about it.

We prayed about it some more and it just felt right.

And all of a sudden I didn't feel anxious about marrying him anymore. And I haven't since.

After ALL of the anxiety of the two previous days, all of a sudden I was good.

Heavenly Father had to make everything stupid clear for me to get there, but I got there.

The night that my ex was arrested, I got a blessing from one of my best friends. In the blessing, he said that I would "confidently know" when I found the right person for me. And oh boy I have clung to that like a sloth to a branch.

All through dating my ex boyfriend and all through dating Jonathan I would pray and remind God that He had told me that I would confidently know.

I'm not generally one to ask for signs or whatever, but I was definitely asking for one here.

Heavenly Father, this whole dating/marriage thing is terrifying. I want to have love again, but I need it to be right this time. I can't take anymore heartbreak. You told me that I would "confidently know." Please make that happen. Please help me to be SO sure when it's right. Because otherwise I'll literally go back and forth over it for the rest of my life.

I think that I actually used the phrase "I need you to make it stupid clear" in one of my prayers.

And He did.

He made it stupid clear in a way that I definitely wasn't expecting at all. He told me to get married in about four months when I thought that I was going to be doing long distance with Jonathan for five.

Okay, so this is really long, so I'm going to wrap up my side of the story now. I'll let Jonathan cover the proposal and everything since I've already written so much. But be assured that I will absolutely write more about all of this later. I know that all of this sounds completely insane. I know that I just went from being afraid of dating to being engaged. I know that most of you didn't even know that I was dating someone.

Literally, I know.

I've told you what happened, but I plan to go a bit more in depth with the process of everything in later posts. Clearly an awful lot has happened in the last month or so (which is why I've been so terrible at posting), so it's going to take more than one post to really cover everything.

Hopefully this will satisfy everyone's curiosity for the moment though. I've had a lot of people demanding to know what the heck happened ever since I posted on Facebook that I'm engaged. Which is fair, since most of you didn't even know that I was dating anyone.

Anyway, there's my side of the story for you. Next post should be his side of the story, and then I'll elaborate a bit more on everything.

Until next time!

Ps- We had the amazing opportunity to kick off the porn speech together in choir this semester. You can watch it here.

If It Makes You Feel Better

As I write this, I'm sitting on the couch eating ice cream as a reward for doing my homework. My reward was supposed to be watching Star Wars with one of my best friends, but I took too long, so here we are.

So let me tell you how the last few hours have gone.

I told myself that I wouldn't do anything social until I did my homework. But I've been SUPER tired as my body is trying to adjust to working again, and now being in classes again as well. And I didn't get much sleep the last couple of weeks because I've been wedding planning. (We'll get to that soon, PROMISE).

So I decided to take a nap before trying to tackle homework.

But then my roommates and I ended up having a little beginning-of-the-semester pow-wow since we were all home. By the time we were done, the timer that I had set to wake me up from my nap before going out the living room was going off. Cool.

So I shut it off and then ACTUALLY took a nap. And snoozed my alarm twice.

Finally got up. I decided to take a shower so that I would feel nice and clean, and also hopefully wake up a bit more.

Basically, I was trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself to do my homework.

Pathetic, no?

So I had a jam-out session in the shower and then FINALLY sat down to do my homework.

It was literally just some reading for my religion class. Not much at all.

But it took me about two hours of mental prep and maybe an hour or so of unfocused reading to finish it.

Oh boy.

So if you're having a rough day here's this:

If it makes you feel any better, I just took three hours to read about 15 minutes worth of religion homework.

Here's the thing guys; I've been SO much happier the last couple of weeks. And because of that, I think that I've kind of had that on-top-of-the-world feeling. Which is great! But then I basically got slapped with the reality-stick. That awesome feeling made me forget that even though I'm happy, I'm still not really a functioning human being yet.

And that's okay.

I'm happy. I'm preparing to marry the most amazing man that exists. I have a job again. I'm back in some classes. I still can't focus to save my life. I'm exhausted. It takes me forever to pump myself up enough to do a single reading assignment. But you know what? I'm making progress.

I'm not where I wish that I was, but I'm a lot farther than I thought that I would be anytime soon.

Happiness ≠ Functionality

But being functional doesn't always equal happiness either. We simply have to work with what we've got.

This is all a work in progress. And I AM making progress.

So I guess that's all I can really ask for.

Ps- Yes, I am engaged. Yes, it came out of nowhere. Yes, I promise that I will be writing about that soon! Things have been pretty hectic, which is why I haven't posted in so long, and now I'm back in classes, so things are still hectic. But I'm working on it and I will have something up as soon as I can!

You're a Person, Not an Addict

I've noticed that I tend to not know how I think about feel about things until I'm talking to someone about it or until I feel like I should write about it. I'm not very good at just taking time to think because I hate being bored and too much thinking time usually leads to depressing thoughts, so most of my figuring out occurs as I talk or write. As such (and as is often the case), this blog post is inspired by a conversation that I had with a good friend of mine recently.

We were chatting about some random things, but then he asked me a couple of questions that I didn't really know the answers to until he asked and I responded.

The first question he asked was "Why do you trust me so much?" To which I responded "I don't know. I just feel like I can. You haven't given me any reason not to."

The second question was "Even knowing that I still struggle with pornography addiction?"

My immediate response was "Of course!" Which, honestly, probably seems like a strange response for someone in my situation. But this is something that I've thought about over and over and over again over this past year or so and have only just recently been able to solidify a bit more within myself.

The next chunk of this post is simply going to be our conversation, copied and pasted straight from Messenger. I'll start with the first question and just copy and paste from there.

Him: Anna, why do you trust me so much?

Me: I don't know. I just feel like I can. You haven't given me any reason not to.

Him: Even knowing that I still struggle with pornography addiction?

Me: Of course! That doesn't define you. And as far as I can tell, you are doing your best to overcome it. You've been very open about it. I know that you've been to at least one group meeting for it (and I'm assuming many more). Everyone sins. Everyone has their struggles. I care a lot more about how you handle it than I do about how severe the struggles are in the first place.

I'm not going to lie, pornography addiction is really, really scary for me. But it's wouldn't be fair for me to assume that every single person that struggles with porn is going to be like [ex-fiance]. And who am I to judge someone who is earnestly seeking to repent?

And honestly? A lot of people that I'm close to struggle with it. It's not really something that I can just get away from.

Him: I suppose not.

(Later in the conversation)

Him: I feel that I represent an immense risk to you.

Me: An immense risk? Because of the pornography thing?

Him: I talked to ______, at length, after that first [time that we hung out], because I was freaking out

Me: Oh my goodness! Really?

Why?

Him: Because _______ knew both of us; the details of our stories

Me: No, I mean, why were you freaking out?

Him: Because I saw myself as a risk

Me: [Name of friend]. You're not a risk. You're a person.

Everyone is a risk.

I could be in danger of being hurt by anyone at any given moment and I would be none the wiser…
Some of my very best friends are porn addicts. Some of the best people I know struggle with it.

Does struggling with porn make you more likely to hurt me than someone else? Maybe. But that's a risk that I have to be willing to take, because I would miss out on a lot of amazing people otherwise.

And you're one of them.

Him: I am at a loss, for words

Me: Here's the thing…

ANYONE new is scary for me right now. And even dating people that I feel like I know well is terrifying too. Because I never, ever would have thought that [ex] was capable of doing the things that he did to me. So every single person that I encounter is seen as a potential risk for me. But I refuse to let that stop me from making new friends. And I'm trying really hard to make my anxiety shut up about going on dates and being in a relationship again someday. Because no matter who it is, no matter whether I know that they have struggled with xyz or not, it's going to be scary. But just because someone might hurt me, doesn't mean that they will. And I have to give every single person the same chance. I choose to do my best to trust everyone that I associate with regardless of their past or current struggles. Because if I don't, then I will most definitely never find the right guy for me. And I wouldn't have the amazing support system of friends that I have right now.

Trusting people is terrifying. But I do it anyway because it's worth it. 

And I absolutely may end up being hurt again. But one person hurting me isn't worth giving up a hundred people loving me and lifting me up.

[Ex] has already taken so much away from me. I refuse to let him take away my ability to love and accept others.

Being friends with you is a risk that I am more than willing to take. You have been nothing but respectful and caring towards me since the day that I met you.

Him: It's hard to believe that a year ago, _______ was telling your story. Never thought we would be friends

Me: I tend to surprise people :)

Okay, so ending the narrative there, let me talk about some of what you just read.

First of all, I was mortified to find out that he has been so afraid of being friends with me because he's afraid of hurting me. But in retrospect, it makes sense that it would be nerve-wracking for him.

I've made a huge error in my blogging. I've written so much about being hurt by someone who is/was struggling with sexual addiction. I've written about the dangers of pornography. I've written about abuse. I've written about all of the horrible things that came from being engaged to a porn addict. 

But what I haven't done very well is express that even though I was hurt by an addict, that doesn't mean that I hate or fear every single person that has struggled- or is currently struggling- with pornography.

And let me clarify something really quick:

Struggling with porn doesn't mean that you are addicted. I don't want those of you who are struggling to prematurely identify your struggles as addiction. Addiction is a strong word, and I feel like we often mislabel people who are struggling as addicts, which only makes it harder for them to overcome their struggles.

And even if you are addicted, that doesn't mean that I just write you off as an addict and then move on. Please know that.

You are not an addict. You are a person.

Like I said to my friend, every single person that I encounter in my day to day life has the potential to hurt me. And honestly? I can't know who of the people I associate with might hurt me, and that definitely is intimidating.

But when I meet someone and get to know them, I don't base my judgement of whether they're a "risk" or not on things that they have done in the past or for struggles that they are having. I base my judgement on how they treat me and on how they respond to their trials and temptations. That is only fair.

For those who have struggled with pornography in the past, it simply isn't fair for me to write you off because of things that are behind you. I certainly wouldn't want people to base their judgments of me off of who I was a few years ago. Shoot, I look back at my Facebook memories and can't help but be amazed that I had any friends at all at the time!

And for those who are currently struggling with porn, it still isn't fair for me to write you off because of your struggles. I am struggling with so much right now and I spend so much time trying to keep my head above water. And I hope that people look at me and see how hard I'm trying and how far I've come, not only the fact that I am still a mess. 

I care that you are doing what it takes to overcome. If you are sincerely seeking to overcome your struggles with, or addiction to, pornography, then that is enough for me.

Like I said to my friend, does you having issues with porn make you more likely to hurt me? Quite possibly. But you are so much more than your struggles. Sure, you might hurt me. But you might also support me, uplift me, teach me, love me, respect me. And I simply won't know that unless I give you the same chance that I give to every single person that I meet, which is the chance for us to become acquainted with each other, and eventually become friends.

The person that has hurt me most was addicted to pornography. He was also a singer, loved drones, directed an A Capella group, and was obsessed with strawberry banana smoothies.

I'm not going to stay away from singers, people that love drones, music directors, or people that love strawberry banana smoothies just because the person that hurt me the most had something in common with them.

Obviously pornography has a lot more to do with the things that he did to me than smoothies do, but I hope that you understand the point that I'm trying to make anyway.

Your pornography addiction is only a small part of who you are. You may be an addict, but you may also be a musician, an athlete, a gamer, a history nut, or a baker. Labeling yourself as an addict isn't doing yourself justice. 

Pornography addiction comes with risk, it comes with dangers, but struggling with porn doesn't automatically make YOU a risk.

You are a person just like I am. We both have our trials and temptations. We both have things that we struggle with and things that we excel at. We both have hopes and dreams and favorite things. 

I don't want to miss out on an entire complex, wonderful human being because of one little part of them.

You have just as much potential to strengthen me as you do to hurt me. 

My friend that inspired this post has helped me more than he knows since we became friends last year. "Being an addict" didn't inhibit that. 

You're a risk if you let yourself be. So don't. Be open and honest. Use every possible resource to overcome. Let me be a help and support to you in any way that I can be, because you surely will be the same for me.

Does pornography scare me? Absolutely. But it doesn't scare me enough to let the opportunity to know and love someone amazing pass me by.

I've never met someone who wasn't worth giving an honest chance to. 

You are more than your struggles. Your potential for good is greater than your greatest weaknesses. 

So please. Please don't feel like you need to stay away from me. Because I promise that I'll love you just as much as I love every other incredible person in my life. Because you are worth it. I just know it.

Ps- This made me laugh, but it's true. Replace fat with struggles and it totally works ;)

He Will NOT Let You Sink

3 Nephi 13:26, 28-34

26 Behold the fowls of the air, for they sow not, neither do they reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?...

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the alilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin;

29 And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon, in all his glory, was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith.

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow, for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself...

Luke 12:6-7

6 Are not five sparrows sold for two farthings, and not one of them is forgotten before God?

7 But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows.

"Consider the lilies" and "ye are of more value than many sparrows" have been running through my mind a lot lately.

I'm in this interesting position where Rexburg is the best place for me, except for the fact that I can't afford to live here. Financially, it would make the most sense for me to go home for a while. But in every other sense, it makes more sense for me to stay out here.

And I have received so many blessings that have told me that I'm where I need to be.

But if I can't afford it, how can I stay here? It doesn't make logical sense.

I talked to my sister on the phone about a month ago and discussed the possibility of me having to go home since I don't have the money to pay for rent, medical bills, tuition, etc.

I dread the thought of having to spend time at home, but I agreed that that might be my only option. Except that I keep feeling like I should be here.

The day after I had that conversation with my sister, I was talking to a friend of mine that is going through a hard time. She was debating whether she wanted to come back to BYUI or not. I don't know her super well, but I felt like I should invite her to be my roommate if she decides to come back. So I did. And she decided pretty much right then and there to come to school next semester and be my roommate.

That seemed like a pretty clear answer to me that I'm supposed to be here. The day after I allowed myself to even think of going home as an option again, I felt prompted to invite my friend to live with me here in Rexburg.

Cool! So being here still feels right!

But...

I still owe almost $2,000 in various bills that I really need to pay off in order to stay here. So.... Um, what?

I've been SUPER stressing about money all semester and it's killing me. I cry about it at least once a week. But what keeps coming back to me is that I'm supposed to be here, so something will work out.

Consider the lilies; think about the sparrows. He takes care of them and He'll take care of you.

I can't see the money that I need falling from the sky into my bank account. Yet I know that with God, all things are possible. And I know that if this is where I need to be, then He will help me to stay here.

I was talking to a friend of mine just yesterday about being afraid, praying, receiving revelation, still being afraid, praying more, rinse and repeat. We talked about the story of Peter walking on water. He asked the Lord to invite him to come out onto the water. The Lord did so. Peter stepped out and walked on water. And then he sank. But was immediately lifted up as soon as he reached out to Christ for help.

We talked about how she had asked for revelation and felt like she received it, but how she was afraid to step out onto the water. Because even after the Lord reassures you that you can walk on water, the water still looks very much like liquid.

And as I encouraged her to take that step out into the water with the knowledge that Christ will always be there to catch her if she starts to sink, I realized that I desperately needed that advice as well.

I've prayed and prayed to know what I should do about my financial situation. I've looked for jobs. I've done interviews. I've been taking slow, shaky steps along the surface of the sea, but I'm still absolutely terrified of the thought of sinking. Even though I asked the Lord to bid me come out. Even though He did so. The water still looks extremely liquid. And the wind and the waves keep threatening to toss me into the depths. But I have to trust that I'm going to be taken care of somehow.

I've had it confirmed to me over and over again that I should be right here in Rexburg, so I really need to just trust that I'll be able to stay here somehow. And I do. Sometimes I really wish that the "how" would be made more obvious to me, but I really do believe that something will work out as long as I continue to do my best to keep taking those shaky steps.

If the grass and the flowers are taken care of the I will be too. If a sparrow does not go unnoticed, then neither will I.

I have to believe that that's true. Because I haven't had a regular job in almost a year, and yet I'm still here.

Money has cropped up out of nowhere time and time again over this past year.

And I pay my tithing on every single little bit of money that I earn or am given; down to $0.20 for the $2 that my roommate gave me because that is how much off I was for rent last month. And so I have a promise from the Almighty God that I will be taken care of.

I have been given little odd jobs. I have had friends force money and/or groceries on me. I have had additional funds brought back to my remembrance. I've had discounts come out of nowhere.

I have been sustained thus far in ways that I don't like. My friends have seen how incredibly guilty I feel every single time they pay for something or make me take money. They have seen me cry when money has been left to me anonymously because, while I am extremely grateful for it, I feel absolutely horrible that I have to rely so heavily on others for my survival.

I hate it.

If it was up to me, my mental and physical health would allow me to get two jobs and work myself into the ground so that no one ever has to feel like they need to help make sure that I have a roof over my head.

But it's not up to me.

I am desperately trying to accept the help that Heavenly Father has been sending me. I am trying so hard not to feel so incredibly guilty ALL. THE. TIME. Because I'm doing my part by paying tithing and seeking work, so if I can't find anything/am too sick to work a regular job, then I have to be okay with the alternatives that the Lord presents to me.

I'm trying really hard to NOT hate it.

Because it's not fair for me to snub the blessings that Heavenly Father is pouring down on me. I don't want to seem ungrateful for the small miracles that I keep seeing. I really am grateful. I'm just working on not being begrudgingly grateful.

This is all very scary for me. The not knowing how everything is going to work. The dependence on others.

But I know that it really is going to work out.

I don't know how. And that is scary. But that just has to be okay with me for now.

Doctrine and Covenants 6:36

36 Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not.

As long as I continue to look to the Lord with faith, He will absolutely make sure that everything works out the way that it needs to. Because He knows what I need much better than I do. And He knows exactly how this all needs to work out.

So my job is to trust Him to not let me sink. I know that His hand is always reaching out for me, I just need to reach up and take it.

PS- Let me say right here that this is not a plea for money. I've been very wary of writing about my financial struggles because I don't want anyone to feel like I'm just begging for money. But I also promised to be as real as possible in my blog and to be honest about what is really happening in my life, and so I've recently started to be more open about my financial situation, even though it scares me to do so. So, please don't feel like I'm sharing because I'm hoping that people will start dishing out cash. Because it's not. This is just all part of my life right now and financial difficulty has been one of my most prominent stressors this semester.

PPS- Picture dump time ;)

Four pages from the book The Peter Potential by David Butler and Emily Belle Freeman

This is one of my all time favorite pictures <3

Power of the One

Something that's funny about being a victim of abuse and felony is that I know that my ex never wanted to intentionally hurt me. It's funny to me because in a few simple acts, he hurt me in ways that he never could have imagined. Ways that still hurt over a year later. Ways that keep hurting more and more every single day.

He couldn't have known that his actions would cause me to have crippling anxiety. Or that he would set my IBS off so badly that I would lose my job. Or that he would make "liking" people really hard for me.

I almost started crying today when I went to the Lost and Found yet again to ask about my water bottle that I lost about a month ago and they actually had it this time. I think that the girl that handed it to me was really confused as to why I was so excited to get it back, but I literally can't afford to buy a new one, so losing it has actually been a really big deal for me.

I can't even afford a reusable water bottle, or new headphones, or a new exercise shirt, because one man did some things over a year ago that is still effecting my financial stability.

My ex had no idea the kind of power that a single individual can have on a person. Or on a family. Or community.

I feel like we, as human beings, tend to underestimate the power that we wield every day.

I don't know about you, but when I look in the mirror, I don't see someone mighty. I don't see myself as someone who can and has changed lives. I don't see a person that makes a difference in anyone's life. But I do.

And I see people every single day that have had a significant impact on my life. And I doubt that they really understand that they have the power to change my life, let alone that they have used it.

This idea of not realizing the power that we each hold as individuals is actually kind of scary to me.

Think about it. It only takes one person to cause panic about gun control. One person who decides to shoot up a school, or a movie theater, or a concert.

It only takes one person taking their religion to an extreme to turn hundreds of people against every single other person of their faith.

It only took one person to shatter a young woman's heart. And with it her self-confidence, trust in love, physical and mental health, financial situation, sleeping patterns, etc.

The amount of damage that a single person can cause is terrifying.

And we see individuals use this power that they have to destroy things almost every day in the news.

But here's the wonderful thing: the power of the one can also create, build, and uplift.

Sometimes this power is made manifest in big, obvious ways like when someone is passionate about a cause and works to make a huge difference. You know, the people that have founded non-profits and built orphanages. Or that person that makes a club, which becomes a society, which becomes a huge organization.

But more often than not, the power is used in small ways that we're not even fully aware of. It's found in the roommate that stays up late to talk to you when you're sad. Or the friend that is always down to give you a ride to the doctor, or counseling, or Walmart, or literally anywhere.

It's found in that person that says just the right thing to you to help you keep fighting through the day. And the sibling that comes over in the early hours of the morning to help you to calm down from a 20-minute anxiety attack.

Or even smaller than that.

This power is seen being used to make your roommate's bed because you know that they have an early start the next day but fell asleep on the couch because she didn't want to fix her sheets for the umpteenth time.

One person holds the power to change lives in big ways, but also in small, everyday ways. Both make a significant impact on the people around them though, whether they realize it or not.

With a few bad decisions, my ex-fiance quite thoroughly turned my life upside down and backwards. He hurt me so deeply and in so many ways.

Over a year later, I'm still struggling to keep from being sick for longer than a few days because my immune system is way down from all of the anxiety and depression that I've been fighting. And I'm watching my bank account dwindle down to nothing because I still don't have a job and haven't been able to get one because I've been sick for about 90% of this semester.

Because of one single young man, I am terrified every day when I think about the future because I have over $1300 in bills to pay and less than $80 to pay them with. And if I can't pay off my school expenses, then I can't register for classes for next semester, which means no financial aid. It would also probably mean that I would have to un-enroll from school because I don't think that they'd let me defer another semester since I had to defer last semester because of my health.

Because of one individual, I know what my roommates are feeling as they fall in love and prepare to get married, but can't remember those feelings without also feeling despair and fear that I'll never feel all of those wonderful feelings ever again. (Obviously I know that I will someday, but that doesn't stop me from feeling miserable and afraid because I want to have a person again but have so many doubts and fears about dating).

One person that did a few things over a year ago is still effecting my life every single day in a crippling way.

BUT.

There are also SO many individuals that are responsible for keeping me going every single day as well.

Every single prayer that you say for me is heard and answered in blessings poured down on me.
Every single invitation to hang out reminds me that I'm loved and wanted.
Every ride given helps me to do things that I have a really hard time finding the courage/motivation to go out and do.
Every second spent playing games with me gives me validation that I'm worth spending time with. Every inspirational picture on Facebook that you post bolsters my determination to keep going every day.
And every funny one reminds me that I can still smile and laugh, even when I sometimes feel like I'm going to be smothered by my circumstances.

Because of so many individuals just like you, I am able to keep trusting that things really will work out for me, even if I see zero ways that it can.

Do not ever underestimate the power that you have inside of you. Not for one second.

You do make a difference. You are filled to the brim with potential.

Every single person that exists has the power to change lives for good or ill. Don't take that power lightly. But also be assured that you have probably helped far more people than you know.

You are loved and admired and praised by people that you are not even aware of because of acts that you don't even remember.

The power that one single person holds is immeasurable. You have it and you use it every single day.

To quote myself from a couple of years ago:

When you remember that God NEVER makes mistakes,

remember that He made YOU. And you are no exception.

You are a child of God with infinite potential. Don't you ever forget that. And on days where you feel useless and like you don't make a difference at all, remember what I'm telling you right now. You can and you have. There is not a single person on earth that is unimportant and un-influential. You are not the exception to that. I promise you that you are not. And on those crummy days, remember that if nothing else, you have probably helped this young woman that feels lost and scared to keep on going for one more day.

And I thank you for that.