"As Now [I] Take the Sacrament"

Until this semester, I hadn't missed taking the sacrament in probably about 5 years.

Every single Sunday, even while feeling sick, I would drag myself to church to at least take the sacrament. If I had to go home after sacrament meeting, so be it. But I was always there to take the sacrament.

A few weeks ago I was feeling really nauseous and could hardly get out of bed. And so I missed the sacrament for the first time in years.

And then today I couldn't stop hacking, and so I missed sacrament meeting again. But this time, I was determined not to miss out on the sacrament if I could.

This evening around 5:30 PM, sacrament meeting was brought to me. My home and visiting teachers sang the first verse of As Now We Take the Sacrament, my home teachers broke bread and blessed and passed the bread and water to me, and then my visiting teachers told me things that they learned in church today and in a devotional last night.

My home and visiting teachers are not MoTab by any means, but as they sang to me, I closed my eyes and listened to their voices and could feel the Savior's love for me personally. And as my home teachers awkwardly tried to figure out how to best cover and bless individual portions of bread and water, I remembered the Savior and His individual sacrifice for me.

Today I was reminded why the sacrament is so important to me. Why I always try SO hard to be at church every single Sunday- even if I feel like death -just to take the sacrament.

I love the rest of church of course. The talks, teaching Mission Prep, the Relief Society lessons, etc. But the pinnacle of any Sunday is partaking of the sacrament.

The sacrament is so important because it is my opportunity each and every week to realign my thoughts and intents with the Savior's. My opportunity to personally recommit to love and serve Him and to be re-cleansed and renewed.

Taking the sacrament is such a personal action. It is one on one time with Christ where I am able to remember His love and reflect on His service. A time where I can reflect on how much He loves me, individually. How He knows Annaliese Kretchman. It is a time for me to be filled with hope that things can and will get better because I have Him by my side.

Christ ministered one by one. And today I was able to experience that in a very literal way.

I am so grateful to be surrounded by faithful brothers and sisters who care about me enough to help me to feel of the Savior's love in any way that they can.

I am so grateful for the power and authority of the priesthood that my home teachers hold. And for their individual efforts to live worthily to exercise that power.

And I am so grateful to have a loving Heavenly Father and a loving Brother and Savior who both know me and my unique needs and circumstances.

And today I am grateful for the reminder that while the sacrament is for everyone, the sacrament is also just for me.

The Perfect Valentine

"No Greater Love"
Greg Olsen

I'm not totally sure what I'm writing about yet. I had an idea earlier that I promptly forgot about. But just now I had the idea to write about the Valentine that is always there for you.

My birthday is only six days before Valentine's Day. This means that half of my birthday cards tend to mysteriously all be pink and covered in hearts. Which, if you know me at all, you know is really not my style. But I allow it because, well, there's nothing I can do about it.

Exhibit A: Throwback to my first birthday in the mission when my
sister sent me this massive thing and everyone thought that I had a lover.

Valentine's Day is kind of a sucky holiday really. If you're single, you just spend the day 1- making fun of yourself for being single, 2- wallowing in the fact that you're single, or 3- both. If you're not, then you have to come up with something special to do that's different than the special thing that you did for: your significant other's birthday, Christmas, your anniversary, Mother/Father's Day, etc.

It's the only holiday that I can think of that is specifically geared towards only a fraction of the population; people with romantic partners.

I think you get the point. I'm not a huge fan of Valentine's Day, not in the least because it's less than a week after my birthday.

But here's the thing, as I've been thinking about Valentine's Day, and just love in general, I can't quite feel annoyed at it.

Now I could go on and on about the love of my family and the love of my friends and such, but I don't think that that's what this post is supposed to be about. So let's see if I can figure out what this post IS about exactly.

The thing is, friends come and go. Sometimes family even comes and goes. And we know that boyfriends, girlfriends, and even spouses come and go at times as well. But there honestly is someone that doesn't. He doesn't come and He doesn't go because He's always been there and He'll always be there because He's never leaving.

You guessed it. I'm talking about God. Well, technically, I'm talking about two people; Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

They freaking love you SO much.

And the understatement of the year award goes to...

But really.

Do you really understand the depth of 100% real-deal love that They have for you?

I sure don't. It's completely incomprehensible. But I'll do my best to enlighten you just a little bit.

...............

Man. This is harder than I thought it would be. I've already written and erased a couple of different ideas.

Deep breath.

Okay.

Here's the thing. You have a Parent that loves you more than you have- or will -ever love anything here on earth. He loves you more than you love your family, your best friend, your spouse, your kids, your dog, etc. He loved you enough to send you here to earth to learn, and grow, and progress so that you can have everything that He, the Almighty God, has.

And He understands you. He knows your weaknesses and He knows the things that make you sad or angry or scared. And He understands that you can't be perfect right now because you're still learning.

You need to be perfect to inherit all that He has for you, but He knows that you can't become perfect on your own.

And because He loves you, He made the toughest decision ever. He had to choose to take His Son that IS perfect and ask Him to suffer so that you could come back to Him in a perfected state.

And that Son loved you enough to be completely willing to suffer all for YOU.

My absolute favorite song to perform (I sing) is "For Me Alone" by Sally DeFord. I love the music, the range, everything. But my favorite thing about it is the words.

Every earthly sorrow; every mortal pain

Every sinner’s anguish; the bitterness of shame

The weakness and the heartache that burden all mankind

For these the Savior suffered, for these He bled and died

And the lost and fallen multitudes of all the earth

Are ransomed by His offering of love

But if I alone had stumbled; if I alone had strayed

If I alone had wandered from the straight and narrow way

If I alone bore guilt for which my all could never atone

He would have come for me

For me alone

Tears of all creation; every debt unpaid

Warfare of the nations; every trust betrayed

Every falsehood uttered; every truth denied

For these the Savior suffered, for these He bled and died

And the lost and fallen multitudes of all the earth

Are ransomed by His offering of love

But if I alone had stumbled; if I alone had strayed

If I alone had wandered from the straight and narrow way

If I alone bore guilt for which my all could never atone

He would have come for me

For me alone

For love of all God’s children Christ redeemed us from the fall

His mercy without measure is sufficient for us all

But if I alone had stumbled; if I alone had strayed

If I alone had wandered from the straight and narrow way

If I alone were foolish; if I alone were frail

If I alone had faltered when the power of hell assailed

If I alone bore guilt for which my all could never atone

He would have come for me

For me alone

I honestly believe these words. 

Jesus Christ loves YOU enough to have come to earth and suffered unimaginable pain just for you.

He loves you THAT much. 

The Atonement really is the ultimate act of love. Because He didn't suffer for sin only. Oh no, He suffered all of it. 

One of my favorite scriptures, Alma 7:11-12, describes it perfectly:

11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.

12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.

Succor:
Noun-Assistance and support in times of hardship and distress.
Adj.- Give assistance or aid to.

Christ suffered for your sins. But He also suffered every pain, affliction, infirmity, and temptation that you would ever experience. And He did it so that He wouldn't just cover the sin, but so that He would understand the sin. And not only that, but He suffered everything else too so that He would understand you.

Christ has literally felt every single sickness that you have ever had. Every stubbed toe and broken bone. He experienced your heartbreak when your loved one died or when you were betrayed. He has walked a mile in your shoes and He knows why you committed one sin or the other. He has felt the temptation. He has felt the loneliness, or addiction, or peer-pressure that contributed to your decision making.

Jesus Christ understands you better than you understand yourself.

He suffered literally everything that you would ever suffer because He wanted to know exactly how to help you through each and every moment.

Christ didn't suffer just because He was supposed to. He did it so that He could help you. He did it because He loves you.

Can you imagine that? Can you really picture someone loving you THAT much? So much that they would not only give their life for you, but also endure every ounce of agony that you would ever experience? All because they want to know how you feel so that they know how to help you?

It blows my mind.

It's crazy to think that Jesus Christ literally knows the pain that I feel when I cry alone in the middle of the night. Or that He can feel the weight of financial stress threatening to flatten me. He has felt my heart drop into my stomach every time I see someone that looks like my ex. And He has felt every monotonous moment of being sick that I feel.

Christ has felt my depression and anxiety. He has felt my self-consciousness and self-doubt.

He has felt my heart break a little more every day, and He has felt the strain of me trying to put it back together.

And so how can I be bitter and annoyed about a holiday about love?

I can't. Not this year at least.

I can't because I have suffered in a thousand different ways this year. Because I have felt (and feel) so lost, and weak, and broken. Because I sometimes feel like I'm never going to get better.

Because I know that He has felt all of that and that He is right by my side. Always.

Because I know that Christ felt all of my pain so that I would never, ever have to go through any of it alone.

And if Someone loves me enough to choose to feel everything that I have- and am -feeling just so that He perfectly knows how to get me through each and every day, then I've got to be the luckiest girl in the world.

And I am.

And you are the luckiest person in the world too.

Because you have the perfect Valentine too.

Christ loves me enough to have suffered all only for me if I was the only one that needed it. But He also loves YOU that much. And He also loved YOU enough to suffer all of YOUR pain.

So I'm going to wish you- without any irony to it -a Happy Valentine's Day. And I hope that you take a minute today to appreciate your perfect Valentine, because I'm going to do my best to appreciate mine.

For God so loved YOU, that He sent His only Begotten Son.

And His only Begotten Son loved YOU enough to go.



PS- This commercial was shared in yesterday's weekly devotional and I feel like it gives you a small taste of what the Savior has done.

For Those Who Know Part 6: Where I Am

I love love LOVE this and will be
referring to it throughout
this entire post.

Welp. This is it. The last installment of For Those Who Know. 

Because of the subject of this last post, it only seemed appropriate to write and post it on my birthday.

You see, this post is about me. 

I mean, they're all about me in some way since it's my blog and I'm speaking from my experiences; but this one is about where I am in my life and how I got here after this insane year that I've had.

I've heard this time of life that I'm in referred to as "The Decade of Decision", which I feel is highly appropriate for young adulthood. This is the time that we make decisions that affect the entire rest of our lives. We decide what we want our career to be for the next 40 some years. We decide where we want to live. We (often) decide who we want to marry. Etc.

Last year I thought that I was pretty well decided on most of these things. I had loosely chosen a career path as a recreational therapist and had an idea that I wanted to work with individuals that struggled with suicidal tendencies. I had chosen the guy that I wanted to marry and thought that he was just perfect for me. In short, I thought that I had a pretty clear direction that I was heading in.

And then life turned it all upside-down and backwards on me and now, a year later, everything that I want out of life (and everything that I have) is pretty different than before. The basics are the same of course. I want to help people, I want to be sealed in the temple to a righteous priesthood holder, I want to have a family and be a bomb.com mom, etc. All of these are things that I have always envisioned for myself and that I have chosen for myself over and over again for years.

But there are a few huge decisions that I made with "20 seconds of insane courage." These were decisions that were basically "Do it now or you never will" decisions. And my whole life and purpose has shifted because of those split-second decisions.

Let me break these decisions down for you:

#1- I decided to stop being abused.

In Part 2 of this series, I bared my soul to you guys and told you what was really going on when my ex and I broke off our engagement the first time. But I'm going to expand on that just a little bit more.

The day that we finally broke things off, my ex pressured me into doing horrible things. All the while telling me to "prove it." Prove to him that I was worth sticking with. 

Prove it. Prove it. Prove it.

And I hate to admit it, but I tried. I tried so hard to prove that I was worth hanging on to. In that moment, my mind was in the tight grip of complete terror. I couldn't lost him. I absolutely could not. If I didn't have him then I had nothing and I was nothing.

He treated me so terribly through the whole terrible experience. I had to do things that I abhorred because this time he made it very clear that if I didn't, then that was it. He was gone. 

Prove it. Prove it. Prove it.

Prove to me that you can be good enough for me. Prove that you can satisfy me. Prove that I didn't make the wrong choice in picking you.

I was so desperate to not lose the man that I loved that I did whatever "it" was at the moment. Every time I hesitated or questioned what he was asking me to do, every time I tried to refuse doing what he wanted, he would look at me like "I knew you wouldn't do it" and would sometimes argue with me about whatever it was. I could tell that I was losing him. The terror told me that that wasn't an option. 

And so I would give in.

What little of the real me that was left inside was quickly dying as I once more fought the battle between my love of my ex and my love of my Heavenly Father. I was quite thoroughly broken by the time that he finally seemed mollified.

When we finally got to that point, we went back to doing normal, everyday things. 

I tried fruitlessly to focus on homework while he sat and watched a show. And man oh man, he was SO happy, so content. He was so pleased with how everything had gone down. 

He had finally gotten what he really wanted. I had finally sufficiently satisfied him. I hadn't seen him so happy in ages.

But it didn't make me feel good. It made me feel way worse. 

I sat there in complete despair and turmoil while he sat there totally content; not bothered at all by anything that we had just done.

My poor, broken, tired brain could fight it no longer. What we had done was so extremely not okay. I literally felt sick to my stomach. The little sliver of myself that was still clinging to me went back and forth for about an hour. And then the decision was made. The battle was won and my ex is not the one who won out in the end. God was.

We hadn't had sex (which in his mind seemed to be all that mattered. Anything goes as long as we're not having full on sex. We're getting married in a few months anyway...), but I knew that the things that we had done were still extremely, vilely, wrong. And so I knew what I needed to do next.

And I was utterly petrified. Because I knew that I was about to lose him. But I started packing my homework up into my backpack anyway.

He asked if I was heading out and I said yes. Whether my voice cracked or he could see it in my face, or both, he could tell that something was wrong. All of a sudden he was so concerned about me.

"Are you okay?"

All I could say was "You're going to hate me. You're going to hate me" as I began to cry. He stiffened.

"I'm calling the bishop right now. What we did was wrong and I knew that it was wrong and I did it anyway because I didn't want to lose you because I love you."

My ex didn't say a word to me after that. He packed some things up in his car and drove off to Utah to spend the rest of the week with his family.

I got a text an hour or so later that simply said "We're done. Don't talk to me or my family."

Okay, I'm going to end the narrative of one of the worst days of my life there.

I had been fighting a losing battle for a few months by then. But with 20 seconds of courage I was able to finally pull out. 

For the first time in what felt like forever, I realized that I actually did deserve better and that there was no possible way that this could be what Heavenly Father wanted for me. And so with a moment's courage I called us out. I finally faced up to my ex and essentially told him that Heavenly Father trumps him. Something that I always said, but couldn't find the courage to act upon.

I watched my ex drive away and then only made it a few yards before I sat on the pavement outside of my apartment complex and called the bishop. I was crying so hard that he could hardly make any kind of sense out of what I was telling him.

Let me tell you, deciding to make that call is the absolute most terrifying thing that I have ever done. 

Not because I thought that I couldn't be forgiven. I knew that Christ's Atonement can heal all wounds and cover all sins. No, it was horrifying because I knew that the moment that I decided to call the bishop was the moment that I would drive my ex away. Which is the very thing that I had just tried so hard not to do. (I was also terrified of being kicked out of school).

I broke myself to keep him with me. But then an hour later I drove him away by choosing to be healed.

With 20 seconds of insane courage, I chose to stop allowing myself to be degraded and abused.

#2- I decided to let him go.

That may sound redundant since I just explained how I had to make a decision that would drive my ex away, but this is different.

If you look back at Part 5.1, you'll see where I talk about how much I took care of my ex after he came back from visiting his family after I- quite literally -drove him away.

And I talked about how my first instinct was to take care of him when he was arrested.

And that's true. I honestly wanted to just see him, wrap him in my arms, and tell him that it was all going to be okay. 

But.

The moment that it was confirmed that my ex was the culprit, I decided that that was it for us. Which sounds like "Duh, of course it was. You were the victim of HIS felony!" But love doesn't shut off that easily. And I had already stuck with him through an awful lot. I could have chosen to continue to stick with him. Wait out the legal stuff and then get back together with him and help him through his sentence, rehabilitation, etc. And part of me wanted to do that.

Honestly, it might not be totally fair for me to say that I decided to let him go. Because, really, the choice was made for me. In that moment that I found myself engaged to a felon, Heavenly Father made it very clear to me that it was over. My ex had had his chance- more than one actually -and he blew it big time. It was time for me to leave him behind.

But it still took courage. Life with my ex was the only life that I knew how to live anymore. But I knew that- this time -this was it. I had to allow myself to leave him. And that hurt me a lot.

I had always been the one left behind. I hated being the one to have to decide to leave him behind.

#3- I decided to forgive.

I honestly cannot fully explain to you why I was able to forgive my ex so quickly. The best that I can do is give some reasons that I think factored into it.

First of all, I knew my ex. I mean, obviously I didn't know him as well as I thought, but still. I could see his potential so clearly. But if he was to reach that potential, he would have to do some serious repenting. And for that to work, Heavenly Father would have to forgive him. And I knew that God would absolutely forgive him if he fully repented, so what would give me the right to not forgive him?

I wanted to believe that he could rise up from all of this some day. But for that to happen, forgiveness was required. Because if I didn't forgive him, it would only make it harder for him to find the strength to continue on.

Second, I was done allowing my ex to have power over me. I was done with that when I decided to stop being abused. 

If I didn't forgive him, I would be filled with anger and resentment. I would eventually be filled with hate and that would ruin me as a person.

I refused to give my ex the power to make me an angry, bitter person. So I forgave him.

In my mind, forgiveness is partially for the other person, but is really mostly for you.

Think about it. My ex could serve out his sentence, fully repent, and go on to change the world and live a fantastic life (though it would take an awful lot to get there of course). He could do that and I would still be left bitter if I had chosen not to forgive. And that is just not okay with me. What happens to him is up to him. But I chose to be the bigger person and allow myself to forgive him so that I could find some peace.

Okay, last but not least:

#4- I decided to speak up.

Let me tell you how I decided to go into public speaking. Because it's definitely not something that I ever thought that I would do.

This one all hinged on a split-second decision that has completely changed my life.

In one of my past posts, I talked about the day that the first article about my ex's arrest came out. And I talked about how I felt compelled to comment under that article, pleading for some mercy on him as a fellow child of God.

The decision to hit "Enter" after writing that comment has changed everything for me.

I didn't realize it at the time, but in that moment, Heavenly Father gave me a choice; do something with this trial that you're facing, or don't. Become wrapped up in yourself, or allow yourself to reach out to others instead.

If I had psyched myself out of making that comment, I'm not sure what my life would be like right now.

Because here's the truth of it; if I hadn't made that comment, then I may have never opened up about any of this publicly. But because I did, I felt like I could- and should -keep being open about what was happening in my life and how I was handling it. In that 20 seconds of insane courage I decided to speak out in a way that no one expected. And over time that led me to break a stigma and start writing about very real-life things like trauma, depression, PTSD, etc. which eventually gave me the courage to speak out about abuse and pornography addiction.

I started this blog because of that split-second decision. That one comment is what started it all.

Starting this blog was another 20 second decision. Heavenly Father finally convinced me that I needed to do it (I had been pretty stubborn about not blogging up 'til that point), and so I finally plucked up the courage to do it. And I made a blog right then and there even though I had absolutely no clue what I was doing or how to be blogger or what to say or any of it. 

All I knew was that I was supposed to.

And so many of my posts have taken a lot of courage to hit "Publish" on.

Let me tell you, I don't write anything unless I feel like I should. That's why there are sometimes fairly large gaps between posts. I wait until I go into my "blogger-mode" because I feel inspired to write something. Sometimes I know what I'm going to write about, and sometimes Heavenly Father lets me know along the way.

But I don't post a single blog post that I don't feel like the Holy Ghost has inspired to to write and publish.

And some of the things that I'm inspired to write are extremely difficult to write about. And they are extremely difficult to find the courage to post because they often do require me to really lay it all out there for everyone to see. All of my flaws, all of my struggles... Everything. And so I need that 20 seconds of courage to help me to hit "Publish."

But as my blog has continued to grow and as I have felt inspired to write more and more, I have found something that I'm truly passionate about. I have found within myself this burning desire to make a difference in the lives of men and women who are suffering- or have suffered -from abuse, mental illness, and/or pornography addiction. I found this drive to change lives. To do everything in my power to make sure that no one ever has to feel the pain that I have felt and continue to feel.

And that's why I'm going into public speaking. Because I want to speak out about the subjects that are often skirted around and I want to speak loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Because keeping quiet only allows for more silent suffering; more of the loneliness of feeling that no one understands.

These four decisions have shaped my life into something that is still incredibly difficult, but also incredibly rewarding. I feel like I am doing something with my life that is truly fulfilling.

Today I am a 24 year old college student who knows now what kind of person she deserves to marry. Who wants to break down barriers that keep people suffering in seclusion. Who sometimes struggles to function, but doesn't let that stop her from doing what she can to help as many people as she can reach through her writing. 

Where I stand is still an awfully steep slope, but I can already tell that there is a fantastic view waiting for me. And in the meantime, I'm doing everything that I can to not only keep climbing, but to help others in their personal climbs as well.

Everything that I have and everything that I am are results of tiny moments of being completely terrified, but doing something anyway.

I am not yet where I would like to be, but I'm getting closer all the time and I refuse to give up.

I have found a strength within myself that I never would have thought possible for me. I have been given the tools to help the lives of others in a significant way. I have been given experiences that have helped to strengthen my testimony, to better understand my divine worth, and to fill me with not only an intense desire to change lives, but also the understanding necessary to do so.

I would not be where I am without my entire world falling to pieces. I am who I am today because I broke. But not only because I broke, but because I chose to take my pieces and roll with them. I chose to press forward. I chose to find meaning and purpose to my life again. Heavenly Father gave me the opportunity, and I took it. 

Because I refuse to be broken. I will always pick back up and continue on. And I choose to allow the Lord to make me strong enough to do so. 

THAT is why I am here.

To all of "those who know" what I have been going through, I want to say to you that even though you may not be where you want to be, there is an awful lot that you can do with where you are. 

Heavenly Father is more than capable of helping you to take the worst things that have ever happened to you and turn them into something worthwhile. But sometimes you simply need 20 seconds of insane courage to let Him.

You are not going to heal in an instant. You are not going to be where you think that you ought to be when you think that you ought to be there. Where you are might not feel very good, but it is where you need to be right now. Because Heavenly Father has some wonderfully big plans for you. You are capable of so much more than you ever were before because of all that you have been through and are going through.

Don't stop looking forward to where you want to be, but also never lose sight of where you are. Because I guarantee that if you are doing your best, then you are exactly where the Lord needs you to be.

It Will Be

So funny story. I was more miserable than I have been in a while on Wednesday night. It hit all of a sudden and I sobbed harder than I have in ages. And so I decided "Hey, what the heck. I'll actually write a journal entry instead of a blog post this time so that I can just rant about my life being hard without feeling bad for not putting a positive spin on it because no one will see it. It'll be good for me."

So I started writing. And Heavenly Father is like "Nope. You know that it's not all bad. You know that you trust me. You know that I've been blessing you." And I ended up accidentally writing more of a blog post instead.

This is why I don't journal. Hahahaha

So here it is. Here's the post that was supposed to just be me wallowing and being sad all on my lonesome that accidentally ended up being positive because I apparently can't wallow properly.

*****************************************************************************************

You know, sometimes I just want to not be sad anymore. And I want to not get sick all of the time with things that you can’t cure. And I want to not be so stressfully poor that I want to burst into tears after every single grocery shopping trip because I can’t afford any of the food that I just bought, but eating is important.

And I really want to not be in pain anymore; both physically and emotionally. And I want to not have a back/neck injury anymore. And I would love to not have IBS. And, oh yeah, PTSD.

And then I feel awful for wanting everything to be different because I know that I have learned such valuable lessons from all of these things. I am who I am because of them. And I know that Heavenly Father knows what He’s doing with my life.

So I feel so, so guilty. CONSTANTLY.

But it’s still true.

I would love to have a week, a full week, where I’m not riddled with anxiety and depression. Where I don’t feel sick or in pain. Where I can leave the grocery store without a care in the world. Where I can have a good day and end the day feeling good. And then go to sleep at midnight and have wonderful dreams.

I thought that my life was hard before.

I had no idea.

I took it for granted that I could climb a tree and only be mildly sore afterwards. And that I could work a regular job. And that I could end a good day happy. And that I almost NEVER had nightmares.

Man oh man, I had SO much and I had no clue!

And there’s that guilt again.

Because I still have so much! It feels like I have so much less than I did before, but I know that that’s not true. I have been so abundantly blessed and continue to be blessed. But I still hurt and I’m still just tired of fighting my body, mind, and heart with every fiber of my being every moment of every day.

It’s exhausting. How in the world do I keep doing this day after day?

God.

Literally, He is the only reason that I keep going. Because this so, SO hard. And I am just SO ready for it to all be over. But it’s not going to be over tomorrow and it’s not going to be over next week and it’s not going to fully be over in this life because that’s what this life is about.

It’s about learning and growing and progressing. And I can’t do any of those things without some blood, sweat, and tears.

And I have to learn to be okay with that.

I don’t know how to be as strong as everyone says that I am. I don’t know how to be as strong as Heavenly Father is asking me to be. And it’s really cool to think about what He might have in mind for me with all of this strength that I’m supposed to be gaining, but it just seems so far off.

I don’t feel like I’m getting stronger. I feel like I’m getting beaten down, over and over again.

Like I’m getting weaker by the second.

But maybe it’s like that story with the bird on the mountain where it sharpens its beak in the same spot each day, chipping away at the earth until that spot stood taller than everything around it.

That beak hurts.

But the mountain is worth it.

Sometimes it’s not a mountain to climb, but rather a gradual chipping away until you ARE the mountain.

And it hurts. It hurts so much and so deep and it keeps hurting every single day.

But then when you look at yourself and see what you have become, it will all be worth it in the end.

Right?

And I suppose that that’s what keeps me going day after day. Knowing that it’ll all be worth it someday. Knowing that Heavenly Father will never ask me to be stronger than He is prepared to make me. Knowing that things actually WILL be wonderful someday. Knowing that He is sending me blessings every single day to help me to keep fighting.

Knowing that He knows how hard I’m fighting. He understands that I’m running a mental marathon every waking moment, and often while I sleep. He knows that it leaves me completely spent in every sense.

He knows that I need to keep running because He knows where I’m going. He knows who I have the potential to become.

And my knowing that HE knows all of that is so vital to my survival.

Because that’s what I’m doing right now. Some days I manage to live a bit. But the majority of the time, I’m just trying to survive until the next hour.

And knowing all of that doesn’t mean that this isn’t still excruciating. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still hurt so deeply. It doesn’t take away the near-paralyzing anxiety of doing basic human things. And it doesn’t mean that I still don’t wish that there was some sort of cure for all of this.
Have you ever secretly hoped that you had a vicious disease? Or realized that you almost wouldn’t even care if you have cancer, because at least then you can TRY to treat it?

I have.

I can’t stand going to the doctor over and over and over again and having them tell me “Your test results look great! Everything looks normal.” It makes me want to scream that that can’t be true because I feel so awful! There must be something- ANYTHING -that I have that you can actually treat. Please! Stick me in the hospital! I don’t care! Just make me feel better.

Please.

Please take away this pain in my heart and fear in my mind. Isn’t there a cure?

I just want something to make me feel better. That’s all I want.

Is that really so much to ask?

Yes.

Because the whole point of my existence here on earth is to become like Christ. And how can I become patient if I don’t ever have to be? Or long suffering if I never have to suffer for a long time? And how can I properly “mourn with those that mourn” if I have absolutely no idea what it is like to mourn?

Heavenly Father wants me to have eternal joy.

How can I have joy if I have never known sorrow?

I can’t.

And so I continue to look to the future and tell myself:

Imagine how infinitely more happy you will be when you find the right man than you would have been if you hadn’t been so tragically hurt by the wrong one?... Just think of the people that you will be able to help because you’ll get it… Picture the twinkle in the eyes of your future children, and how you’ll be so grateful that you were able to have them after being so afraid of physicality for so long… And close your eyes for a moment and picture having a resurrected body someday. No more nausea or headaches or practically debilitating back pain. Never again will “The Cough” plague you. Racking your body until you feel like you’re literally going to simply pass out and die if you cough one more time…

How much more will you appreciate all of that than you would have if you had never had to learn to?

And I can see it.

I can see it all.

And it honestly is so hard to believe that I will have all of that someday. And it is so, so hard to really feel that sense of wonder and gratitude right now. But I’m doing my best.

My best simply has to be enough for now, even if my best still results in a measure of anguish now and then.

Because I really do honestly believe that Heavenly Father is chipping away at me, creating something magnificent. Helping me to become the absolute best person that I can be. So that He can give me the absolute best that life has to offer.

Because He wants me to have the absolute most joy that is at all possible for me.

And I know that it will absolutely be worth it.


PS- Again, I found lots of pictures that I liked. So here:

For Those Who Know Part 5: Worry About Yourself Part 2

I promise that there are only two parts to the 5th part of this series. I also promise that this post isn't quite as long as the scroll bar is making it look. There's just a ton of pictures in this one.

Okay then, moving on.

So in my last post I talked about worrying about yourself instead of worrying about your ex. Now it's time to talk about what exactly "worrying about yourself" actually means.

I went to my first counseling appointment with my new counselor today. I took it as a good sign that she was wearing a shirt with stars on it, as stars are my favorite. 

I've gotta admit, having a professional say "Wow. That's... a lot" after I had only told her about the arrest was very validating. And then I went on to tell her about everything that happened before that and she seemed stunned. A mental health professional that specializes in addiction, abuse, trauma, and borderline personality disorder was still stunned by what I had to tell her about my life as of the past two years. Huh.

She told me that she could tell that I really have the drive to get better and she's right. I'm not content to wallow forever. And I've tried not to do that anyway, but that's what a lot of my life is right now. Wallowing. 

Wallowing in sadness, in stress about school, my health, my financial situation (I can't put those two words together without thinking of Hamilton...), my fear of dating, etc. 

I spend so much time feeling sad and overwhelmed. I want to get better, but have such a hard time finding the motivation to do anything. And I'm always so tired. And my body hates me. And and and...

And that's how things go when you've literally been traumatized. It actually physically messes up your brain. And brain damage takes time to repair. Yup, I just said that I have brain damage. Cool. Hahahaha

So here is what it really means to worry about yourself:

Give your brain the opportunity, the tools, and the time to repair.

This requires a few different realizations:

1- That healing is absolutely going to take time.

2- That you CANNOT DO THIS BY YOURSELF.

3- That you are stronger than you think.

4- That self-care is not selfish.

5- That going to the professionals is important.

6- That things really can and will get better.

7- That there is an awful lot to be grateful for right now, even when life sucks.

8- That God is on your side, by your side, rooting for you, lifting you, sending you blessings, etc. etc. etc.

So let's take these one at a time.

1- Healing takes time

I think that I've written about this before, but I'm going to do it again.

When my ex-fiance was arrested last January and everything in my life was turned upside down, inside out, and backwards, I told myself that I would surely be okay again by Fall semester. Not great, but okay. That gave me 9 months to heal enough. No problem.

HA.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to put a timeline on your healing. That's all I'm going to say about that because I already addressed this in Part 3 of this series.

2- You CANNOT do this alone

Look, I'm the type of person that loves to help others but HATES to need help. I'm the type of person that feels like I'm imposing on people and that I'm just making their lives harder if I ask them for help/rely on them.

I get it.

BUT.

Heavenly Father has a way of making me accept help. Usually it's when I'm seriously ill. But this time it's by making me realize that I literally can't get through all of this by myself.

Again, I've written about this before so I won't dwell on it too, too much. But sometimes we need to read it a few different times in a few different ways in order for it to really sink into our stubborn skulls.

I- who have tried to do things all by myself when I literally could hardly walk -have asked for the most arbitrary things ever over the past year or so. "I need a boy hug, I need someone to make me eat, I need someone to play with my hair, I need a ride to xyz, I need someone to play a game with me to distract me, I need to not be alone, I need to be told a gazillion times that I'm worth loving," and on, and on, and on.

Glory. Sometimes I'm straight up amazed that I have friends.

I mean really. I feel like I'm so dang needy! And I don't even ask for help all of the times that I could use it (and they yell at me for that ;) ). It's like I keep waiting for them to be like, "Yeah... This girl is too much. Peace" and then leave. But I know that they won't. Which is an amazing thing for me to know because I really struggle with the concept of people actually wanting to stick it out as my friends. But it's true.

And I need you to know that there are people who love you too. People who will be more than happy to fulfill your random needs. People who see that you are totally, completely worth loving. Let them help you. I assure you that if you don't, you're only making your road to recovery about 264% more difficult for yourself, and that would be a very poor life decision indeed.

Yup. ALL THE TIME.

3- You are stronger than you think

I am being dang repetitive in this post, but it's needed, so oh well. Go back to Parts 1 and 3 for more on this.

But really though.

When I was talking to my friend that inspired this entire series, I pointed something out to her.

I said something to the effect of "You know how much I'm struggling. You know that I don't sleep or eat properly and that I cry all the time. Do you think that I'm weak?" Obviously she said no because that's what everyone says. And when she said no, I gestured to her like "And there's my point!" All of you crazy people keep telling me that I'm so strong. I don't feel like I am. But I look at others that are going through situations like mine and I see SO much strength in them! So take it from yourself when you tell me that I'm strong that you are equally strong.

Okay thanks.

Literally me every time someone tells me that I'm "strong" or "inspiring."

4- Self-care is not selfish

Okay, so a "Treat yo'seeeeeelf!" mentality isn't necessarily what we're going for here. But allowing yourself to take care of yourself is SO IMPORTANT.

Again. I like to be the one helping. I would much rather make someone else happy than worry about what I need. Part of the reason it was so easy for my ex to abuse me without me knowing. I am all about putting others first, even if that means that I myself am miserable.

That's not good.

Caring for others is absolutely important. But you can't help anyone else very well at all if you yourself are the hottest of messes.

And I'm not saying that you can't help other people at all while you heal, but you do have to let yourself sit back and let someone else do it sometimes. And that sucks. A lot. But you've got to do it.

Self-care is all about honing in on your own needs. And those needs are different than you're used to (see "I need someone to make sure that I eat" above). It is literally okay if you need to take a nap. Taking 12 hour naps like I tend to isn't necessarily ideal, but it is okay to acknowledge that being sad and trying to heal is freaking exhausting.

If you have the money, it's okay to go somewhere else for a while and just get away from it all. Or buy yourself that yummy whatever. Or get a massage. Or whatever else you might honestly need at the moment. And those things, again, may seem arbitrary. But if they help you to feel better, then they're necessary.

This has honestly been a really hard one for me to find a good balance with because I can definitely think of things that will make me feel better, but I can't even afford rent, so I really need to not go around spending all of the money that I don't have on treats and trips. But there are other ways that I can take care of myself, I just have to dig a little bit deeper sometimes to find them.

The point is, taking care of yourself is a very, very good thing! It's okay to slow down a bit as your poor heart and brain try to process everything.

Taking care of yourself isn't selfish and it isn't weak. It takes a special strength to be able to take a step back, say "I need help", and then do something about it.

5- Professionals are literally trained to help you. LET THEM.

This can be a super touchy subject for people, so I'm just going to dive right in!

There is nothing weak about working with a counselor. 

There is nothing weak about taking medicine for your mental health.

Guess what? Both of those things actually show a crap ton of strength! It goes back to admitting that, "Hey! I can't do this by myself, but I'm determined to heal, so let's get going!"

I'm not exactly the poster-child for this since (before today) I literally haven't met with a counselor since probably March or April. But I finally changed that today.

I get that talking to a therapist might not be high on your list of things that you just love doing! But if actually feeling strong, healed, and like you're actually accomplishing things with your life, then you've got to find a good counselor. And it's not a fun search. And it's hard to drudge up the motivation to go on that search. But it will be worth it. And I will keep you updated on how my counseling experience goes.

Depending on your situation and if you have one nearby, use whatever version of the Family Crisis Center is available. Holy Hannah I wish that I had had someone tell me about- and make me go to -the Family Crisis Center WAY sooner. I learned about them Fall semester and then took a million years to work up the courage/motivation to actually go there.

Let me explain to you really quick what it is that I'm talking about. When I went to the Family Crisis Center, I was given a personal advocate to work with that has so far: researched therapists to help me to find the best one that I can walk to, given me the paperwork for and kept track of the progress on my victim's compensation so that I can afford said therapy, called periodically to check up on me, given me information on other resources that they provide such as a thrift store and a fresh food bank, etc. I literally have a person that I don't have to pay a single penny to that takes care of all of the things that I have struggled to work up the motivation for for MONTHS. She also told me that if I had come sooner, she would have gone to court stuff with me and such as well. She's freaking dynamite and I love her already.

Moving on.

Meds. 

I've been on depression medicine for over a year now. Does it mean that I never feel sad? Of course not! But does it help me to function and allow me to feel happy? YES. And it's not that the medicine gives me some fake sense of euphoria or anything (I am not taking cocaine you see), it rather allows me to feel my own genuine feelings of happiness with less of the cloud of depression dampening everything. 

I kid you not, I ran out of my depression medicine a couple of months ago and wasn't able to refill it for a couple of days and I was a complete wreck for those days. THAT is what is unnatural, not the happiness that I am able to feel when I take my medicine. After feeling that level of anxiety and depression again, I realized that there is no way that I'd be going anywhere without my depression meds.

Again, finding the right medicine and dosage can be a bit of a process. But it will be worth it when you find them.

Now I'm not saying that taking medicine is going to heal you. Because it won't. But it will help you to better take the steps to healing that are awfully hard to take when you're bogged down by depression, anxiety, or whatever.

Medicine isn't a problem solver, but it's an aide in the process.

Seeking professional help is not weak. Stop telling yourself that it is. Stop letting other people tell you that it is. There is no shame in going to someone that actually has the tools to help you. That would be intelligence.

Not to say that "nature therapy" and whatever won't help, but those things by themselves are rarely helpful since finding the motivation to go on a hike when you feel like crap is kind of impossible sometimes. There are many, many steps to recovery and "natural" ways are some of them, but professional help is also a very important step.

This video is super great, watch it.

6- Things absolutely can, and will, get better!

I'll keep this one short and sweet.

Sometimes it feels like you're going to be like this for the rest of forever. You'll never accomplish anything else in your life and you're always going to be sad, etc. Not true. Healing is absolutely possible and things will improve. I promise you. 

I suck at trying to heal, but things have gotten a lot better for me anyway through the efforts that I have managed to put in. And if "Wow that's a lot" me can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise that there is one for you too. Even if you've gone through much worse than I have, things can still get better.

See this post.

7- There is a lot to be grateful for

Again, short and sweet since this post is already super long.

I promise you that there are blessings being showered down on you that you may not recognize.

In the midst of this crazy mess that is your life, there are tender mercies everywhere. Your friends, that sale on your favorite treat, that person complimenting your shirt, your favorite song coming on the radio, that absolutely gorgeous sunset that you only saw because you got out of your whatever late, etc.

Learn to recognize the good because that's what will keep you going.

See this post.

8- God is on your team

This one is my favorite.

Think about it. There is an all-powerful, all-knowing Being who literally wants your happiness more than you do. This Person loves you fully, sees your strength, and perfectly understands your struggles. 

Holy. Freaking. Cow.

How cool is that?!

With all of the advice that I give, the number one most important thing for you to know is that God wants to help you but you have to let Him.

Healing is only possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He knows how you feel because He has been there. He has lived every second of your pain and so He knows exactly how to fix it. Don't ignore this valuable resource. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you more than you can even comprehend. Their goal is your joy. Turn to Them. Listen to Them. Let Them in. Let Them heal you.

Heavenly Father knows that this is SO hard. He gets it. He sees you struggling and He doesn't see weakness. He sees strength, and courage, and determination. He is SO proud of you. He loves you. I promise you that He does. I don't care if you can feel it or not right now. It is 100% true. He loves you and He wants the absolute best for you. Let Him give it to you. 

You cannot do this without Him.

Okay, time to wrap up this crazy long post.

This whole healing thing sucks. And it's not easy. And it's not fun. And you probably hate it. I know I do.

But taking care of yourself and seeking help from loved ones, professionals, and God will be worth it. 

And eventually your life will suck less, and not be so hard, and will be more fun, and will be less hate-worthy. More than that, someday, you're going to love your life. And you'll love it all the more because of the crap storm that you bravely plowed through.

So please take the time necessary to worry about yourself. Take some of the love and service that you give to others and keep some of it for yourself.

The road to healing can be long, painful, and seemingly fruitless. But you've got to keep pushing forward.

Never stop on that road. Keep going. Even when it’s hard. ESPECIALLY when it's hard. 

It will be worth it. I promise.

PS- One more link. This was one of my first posts and I still love it :)

PPS- Here are a ton of pictures that can relate to everything that I have said (mostly pictures that I've had on standby for potential use in posts):