About a year ago, I wrote my blog series "For Those Who Know" that was addressed specifically towards people who have experienced abuse and/or criminal victimization. The idea for this post is kind of a parody of that series in a sense. I've been thinking about this one for a while, but have been kind of unsure of how to actually put it down in words (sound familiar?).
This post is for those of you that have no blessed idea what it's like to love someone with a sexual addiction. More specifically, it's for those of you with no experience with sexual addiction that are bravely diving into a relationship with someone who has one.
I've actually had the opportunity to talk about this subject quite a bit just over the past couple of months as I've chatted with women in this exact situation.
The first opportunity was when Jonathan and I went to Idaho for our west coast reception. We went to the Addiction Recovery Program (AR or ARP) meetings while we were out there and I got to meet some sweet young ladies that were new to the world of sexual addiction. The second opportunity came when a Facebook friend of mine reached out to me for advice as she had recently started a relationship with a recovering porn addict. And the last opportunity actually came from a good friend of mine that has been fighting addiction since we were barely teenagers who asked me to reach out to his new girlfriend.
These three examples all had some commonalities. One, each of these ladies had absolutely zero previous experience with pornography. They had never had a relative or friend (that they knew of) that had struggled with sexual addiction, so knew basically nothing about it. Two, each one was in a relationship with a recovering addict; meaning someone who is actively seeking help and working on recovery rather than either not caring and/or not doing anything about their struggles.
Okay, now that I've given you a little bit of background, let me see if I can dive in. I think that the easiest way for me to write this would be for me to pretend that you (the reader) is someone who has reached out to me and told me that you've started a relationship with a wonderful young man that is fighting addiction. I'll likely even copy and paste bits of my conversations with the ladies that I spoke to via Facebook, just with some tweaks.
****As per usual, I'm going to write this as if I am talking to a woman dating a recovering addict that is a man. BUT, these same principles apply to any relationship. Women struggle with sexual addiction as well and we would do well not to forget that! They need just as much love and support as male addicts do, and often don't get it because people treat sexual addiction like it's a purely male problem. Every piece of advice that I give applies to any individual- male or female -that cares about any sex addict- male or female. Whether it be a significant other, a friend, a sibling, or any other relationship under the sun.****
My first (and likely most important) piece of advice will always be this:
I need you to know that his addiction has NOTHING to do with you. This is so, so, SO very important to understand.
When he relapses, it's not because you're not pretty enough or not making him happy enough. It's because he is struggling against an addiction that has likely been plaguing him for years. He is fighting extremely hard, but addiction isn't something that's just going to go away. It's a long, hard road of recovery. So always remember that his relapses have absolutely nothing to do with you.
I will always start with this because I know just how hard it is to come to grips with the concept that I am completely separate from the addiction.
Continuing this idea, I need you to know that a relapse is never, ever your fault. I don't know what sorts of precautions you two may have discussed or set up, but (regardless of any of those) no relapse is your fault.
It is SO hard to not constantly worry about him relapsing. But while it's important that you love and support him, you can't let yourself spend all of your time wondering if he's relapsing or calling him to make sure that he's not. Ultimately, whether he relapses or not is up to him and his decisions. Whether he works hard to stay out of bad situations as much as possible or not is up to him.
That's a big thing that I learned from going to AR. A lot of the women there talked about being afraid to even go grocery shopping if that would leave their husband home alone because then he might relapse. But they had to learn that their lives could not revolve around preventing relapses. If he's only sober because you're prevented him from relapsing, then he hasn't really recovered.
It's so easy to worry and SO hard to not want to do something- ANYTHING -to prevent a relapse. But his recovery is ultimately between him and God. He needs your love and support and encouragement, but he also needs you to not become a crutch. So he can keep accountable to you, but you need to remember that there is only so much that you CAN do and really only so much that you SHOULD do anyway.
You cannot "fix" him. And if you don't have that firmly in your mind, there are going to be issues.
(See this post for more on that)
Okay, now that we've talked about you, let's talk about him for a bit.
The first thing that you should know is that every addict is different. That sounds really obvious, but this is important.
Here's why:
I have been engaged to two recovering porn addicts.
The first blamed everything on me and ended up being mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive. Then he ended up being arrested for hiding cameras in my apartment. Once he could no longer satisfy his addiction with me physically, he resorted to fueling his addiction with me indirectly, through videos.
This is an extreme example of what sexual addiction can do to a person. And while most addicts probably won't go to quite the extremes that my ex did, I do know of many, many cases where the addicted spouse/significant other ended up becoming terribly abusive.
I don't tell you this to make you run away from your relationship, but to make sure that you're getting the full scope of the dangers of sexual addiction.
On the flip-side, let me tell you about my husband.
My husband has also been struggling against sexual addiction for over a decade. And yet he is the polar opposite of my ex.
Jonathan has never, ever made me feel like a bad decision on his part was my fault. He has never made me feel like I'm not good enough. He has never touched me in a way that I wouldn't want to be touched and is always 100% respectful of my boundaries. And yes, I still have physical boundaries even now that we're married.
You would think that after my experiences with my ex, I would never even consider dating a recovering addict, let alone marry one. But I know better than that. I know that no two addicts are the same and that while there are plenty of scummy addicts out there, there are also plenty of wonderful ones.
You see, I've been dealing with pornography addiction since I was a teenager. Not that I have personally been struggling with it, but that I have had friends and family that have struggled- and are struggling -with it throughout my life. Because of this, I have gained a very different perspective about addiction than your average young woman. I care deeply about those that I know who are struggling against addiction. And I have watched them struggle for years. I understand (as well as someone outside of the addiction can) how much of a beast this addiction is.
And I will be forever grateful that the perspective that I gained growing up helped me to give my husband a chance.
So with full understanding of both sides of the coin, I will never, ever tell you to date an addict. But I will also never, ever tell you not to either.
Instead, I'll tell you some things to look out for.
First off, I can already tell you that you are in a better position than I was with my ex simply because you know that your S/O is struggling with sexual addiction. The fact that he has been honest with you about his current struggle is very telling. And then the fact that he is actively seeking to recover is also an extremely good sign.
With that being said, those two things do not guarantee that he is being 100% honest with you. And that's probably the scariest thing about all of this.
You need to be aware that there could always be something else. But then I would ask you to trust that that's not the case. Unless he is giving you reason for suspicion, trust him. You will never get anywhere in this relationship if you are unwilling to put your trust in him.
I'm not going to lie, there are still times that I worry about whether Jonathan is being honest when he tells me that he hasn't relapsed at all since we've been married. But not because he has given me absolutely any reason to doubt. That little nagging voice in the back of my head is a by-product of my experience with my ex. And I choose to ignore that voice because I really do trust my husband to tell me if he relapses. I trust him 100%. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married him.
So I would say to be open to spiritual promptings on the matter, but to ignore the nagging voice otherwise. It is only too easy to be afraid and to doubt, but if you are going to be in this relationship, then you need to learn to trust him. If you don't trust him, then you should probably get out of the relationship.
Moving on.
So I would say to be open to spiritual promptings on the matter, but to ignore the nagging voice otherwise. It is only too easy to be afraid and to doubt, but if you are going to be in this relationship, then you need to learn to trust him. If you don't trust him, then you should probably get out of the relationship.
Moving on.
Addiction thrives on secrecy, lies, and half-truths. Recovery is only possible when those things are fought against.
When we were dating and engaged, I could tell how much it hurt Jonathan to tell me when he had relapsed. And there were a few times when he struggled to tell me everything all at once. He had never really been accountable to someone about it before, let alone someone that he was in love with. But if he didn't tell me something up front, it would eat at him until he did. I remember a few times when he messaged me and told me that he felt like there was more that he needed to tell me, or that he had relapsed and was afraid that he would struggle to tell me everything, so told me right then and there to ask about xyz when we talked about it later. He did everything that he could to fight against the urge to hide things from me. And that meant everything to me.
The very last thing that he wanted to do was hurt me, and he feared that telling me certain details about his relapse would do so. But he also knew that lying to me would hurt me so much more in the end, and so he didn't. And this is where the main distinction between him and my ex lies. Jonathan cared enough about me to be honest. And he knew that he would never be able to recover if he wasn't.
Continuing this train of thought about telling about relapses, let's talk about what happens when a relapse happens.
He almost certainly feels awful about it.
One of the biggest things that I've taken away from my experiences with addiction is that the addict hates it more than anyone else. If he is truly trying to recover, then I can assure you that "indulging" in his addiction doesn't feel good. Physically? Yes, there is some literal physical pleasure that occurs. But mentally and emotionally? It's devastating for him.
He will often feel like he's failed. And directly after the relapse, he will very likely feel discouraged to the point of hopelessness.
I have a friend that I have been working on his recovery with for a while now, and I have seen this effect on him many times.
He had previously been relapsing daily, often multiple times a day, but had recently been sober for over a month. He had talked to me about how difficult it was being, withdrawal symptoms abounding, temptation around every corner, feeling ready to burst, etc. One day, he told me that he relapsed. And he was completely torn apart by it. He felt like a massive failure and like there was no hope for him.
I told him that I was proud of him.
Not of him relapsing, obviously, but of how long he went before he did. How could he feel like a failure when he had gone from relapsing daily to being sober for over a month?! When was the last time he had gone that long?
It blew his mind that I could possibly be proud of him. But that's because he was so focused on his "failure" that he was completely missing the fact that he had just stayed sober for the longest that he had in years! That is no small feat!
I told him that he hadn't failed. He had stumbled, maybe even fallen, but that he hadn't failed.
You see, addiction is a massive, bloody war. And just like any other war, it is made up of many battles. Each day- sometimes each second -is a battle for an addict. Sometimes they win the battle and don't relapse. Sometimes they lose the battle and do. But that doesn't mean that they have lost the war.
So something that is so, SO very important for an addict, and the loved one of an addict, to understand is that no relapse is the end.
The very best thing that you can do for a loved one with an addiction is remind them of that. Help them to see that they aren't failing. They aren't fighting an impossible war. Relapse isn't the end unless you decide that it is. And every victory needs to be counted just as much as every loss. Because if they lose sight of those victories, then the failures seem insurmountable. And then it becomes incredibly easy for them to feel that their efforts are fruitless.
Something that you both need to understand is that he is not going to recover in an instant. And make sure that he knows that you know that. Remind him that you don't expect him to become sober over night. It really is an addiction, and that's not going to disappear immediately, no matter how much he wants it to. And you know that and don't expect it to either. It's important for him to know that while you expect him to do his best, you also are fully aware that it's going to take time and LOTS of effort.
With all of that being said, I want to talk about something else that is critically important in your conversations about relapse; how it effects you.
You need to be completely honest about how you feel when he tells you that he's relapsed. Don't be afraid to express any negative emotions that you feel about it with him.
This can be really scary in all honesty because you're afraid that if you tell him that you feel upset in any way, then he'll stop telling you when he relapses to spare your feelings. Which is an extremely valid concern! But it's so important that he fully understands that his addiction isn't only effecting him anymore. In truth, it's never only effected him, but now it's more directly effecting another person.
While it is important to be loving and supportive, it is equally important to be just as honest with him as you expect him to be with you. You can be both loving and honest. And you should be.
It is natural for you to feel sad, angry, confused, or overwhelmed when your loved one tells you that he relapsed. Those feelings are completely valid! Even knowing that the relapse isn't your fault and is completely separate from you, it is still hard to hear that the person that you love has once again delved into something so horrible. And telling him that it upsets you gives new meaning to his relapses.
While his recovery process is ultimately his, he has, in a sense, invited you to walk the road of recovery with him. And that is an incredible privilege in that he cares enough about you- and trusts you enough -to let you see the darkest parts of him. But there is no sugar coating it. It is also a burden. There is nothing easy about knowing that the one you love is fighting something as serious as sexual addiction.
Now this isn't going to be a perfect model for everyone, but I wanted to share how my conversations with Jonathan would usually go when he would tell me that he relapsed:
I would always start off by thanking him for telling me. I know how hard that in and of itself can be, and his honesty is so, so important to me.
Then I would ask him to walk me through what happened.
He would then tell me what triggered the relapse and at least a basic idea of what he did and/or looked up.
I would ask if there was anything else that he felt that I should know about it and he would either tell me no, or would tell me more.
From here, I would usually thank him again for telling me and then one of two things would come next. Either I would encourage him and help him to see that he's not a hopeless case, or I would express the negative feelings that I felt as he told me about his relapse.
You see, I didn't always respond the same way to his relapses. Often, I was able to keep a pretty cool head about it. I usually felt worse for him than I did for myself when he told me. Mostly I was just relieved that he was telling me at all. But occasionally, it would really hit me. Sometimes just because, other times because of the nature of the relapse. And I learned not to hold that in. It was important that he knew that I believed that he could overcome his addiction, but it was also important that he knew that his relapse hurt me. It helped him to better understand his own addiction and the effect that it has not only on himself, but also on those that he loves.
Again, I am not a perfect model of the loved one of a recovering addict. And just as every addict is different, so is every loved one. And that is perfectly okay. If you get really sad or really angry when he tells you about an addiction, that's completely understandable! Just because I don't doesn't mean that you shouldn't! There is no one right way to support a recovering addict. All I want to do is share my experiences to hopefully help you to better understand yours.
I will say though, if you do experience intense emotions surrounding a relapse, then it is perfectly okay to take some time to process it before telling him how you feel. A possible option for you could be to thank him for telling you, but then tell him that you need some time to process before discussing it any further. Yes, he is likely feeling pretty down about relapsing, but that doesn't mean that you should swallow your emotions to talk to him about it immediately. It will be better for both of you if you take the time that you need to understand your emotions before trying to dive in to being supportive and uplifting. Your feelings matter just as much as his do!
I will say though, if you do experience intense emotions surrounding a relapse, then it is perfectly okay to take some time to process it before telling him how you feel. A possible option for you could be to thank him for telling you, but then tell him that you need some time to process before discussing it any further. Yes, he is likely feeling pretty down about relapsing, but that doesn't mean that you should swallow your emotions to talk to him about it immediately. It will be better for both of you if you take the time that you need to understand your emotions before trying to dive in to being supportive and uplifting. Your feelings matter just as much as his do!
The last thing that I want to say about all of this is that it is okay if you decide that your relationship with this person isn't going to work. If you find that they are a toxic person- regardless of the reasons behind it -then you are completely justified in getting out of the relationship. I never want anyone to feel like they need to stay in a toxic relationship in order to help that person to recover. That's not how any of this works.
And if you find that you simply can't handle the recovery life, even though they're a great person, that's okay too. Not everyone is meant to walk the path that I walk. If it's too much for you, then do what is best for you. Because if you stay in it when it's eating you up inside, then it doesn't matter if the person is toxic or not, the result will be very similar.
And it doesn't mean that you are weak. It just means that it wasn't right.
I think that it is amazing that you gave him a chance in the first place. Many (possibly most) girls run away screaming from recovering addicts. And that is a real shame to me. Because some of the very best people that I know have struggled (and often are still struggling) with sexual addiction. So I'm proud of you for looking past the addiction in the first place.
But if you do decide to stay, know that there is a very special strength that comes with loving and supporting an addict. I absolutely LOVED what one woman shared in an AR meeting once. She said that she went to a seminar about pornography and relationships and was sorely disappointed in how the wives of addicts were portrayed. They made it seem like they only stayed with the addict out of fear.
"I'm not with my husband because I'm afraid to leave him! I'm with him because I love him!" She expressed to us that she feels proud of all of us for doing what we are doing. That it isn't a sign of weakness, but of strength!
"I'm not with my husband because I'm afraid to leave him! I'm with him because I love him!" She expressed to us that she feels proud of all of us for doing what we are doing. That it isn't a sign of weakness, but of strength!
So to close this lengthy post, I just want to say thank you to all of you who are giving these recovering addicts a chance. I am so proud of you for looking past the addiction and seeing the person behind it. I am honored to be in the ranks of those who fight an addiction that isn't theirs in the name of love.
And for those of you who are new to these ranks; know that you are not alone. There are people all around you that are walking a very similar path who are cheering you on. For they have fought the battles that you have yet to face, and they have felt the weight that you have chosen to shoulder. From someone who knows to someone to doesn't yet, I want you to know that you don't have to go this alone. I'm here if you ever have any questions or simply want to chat with someone who gets it. And there are resources out there for people like us! So know that you are absolutely not alone in this.
PS- If you are in any sort of relationship with a recovering addict, I would HIGHLY recommend going to the AR group for loved ones of addicts. I absolutely loved my group in Rexburg and am really sad that we don't have one here! If they don't have a group for loved ones where you live, definitely check out the manual still! You can find it here. I would also recommend checking out all of the resources on LDS.org in general. They have a whole section called "Addressing Pornography" that has links to different resources for addicts, spouses of addicts, parents of addicts, etc.
PPS- For more about my experiences with both my ex and my husband, check out these posts:
The original For Those Who Know series:
PPPS-
I haven't read all of these books, but I have heard really good things about all of them! They all focus on pornography addiction recovery.
-He Restoreth My Soul: Understanding and Breaking the Chemical and Spiritual Chains of Pornography through the Atonement of Jesus Christ by Donald L. Hilton
-Like Dragons Did They Fight by Maurice W. Harker
-He Did Deliver Me From Bondage by Colleen Harrison
-Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
-Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
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