For Those Who Know Part 6: Where I Am

I love love LOVE this and will be
referring to it throughout
this entire post.

Welp. This is it. The last installment of For Those Who Know. 

Because of the subject of this last post, it only seemed appropriate to write and post it on my birthday.

You see, this post is about me. 

I mean, they're all about me in some way since it's my blog and I'm speaking from my experiences; but this one is about where I am in my life and how I got here after this insane year that I've had.

I've heard this time of life that I'm in referred to as "The Decade of Decision", which I feel is highly appropriate for young adulthood. This is the time that we make decisions that affect the entire rest of our lives. We decide what we want our career to be for the next 40 some years. We decide where we want to live. We (often) decide who we want to marry. Etc.

Last year I thought that I was pretty well decided on most of these things. I had loosely chosen a career path as a recreational therapist and had an idea that I wanted to work with individuals that struggled with suicidal tendencies. I had chosen the guy that I wanted to marry and thought that he was just perfect for me. In short, I thought that I had a pretty clear direction that I was heading in.

And then life turned it all upside-down and backwards on me and now, a year later, everything that I want out of life (and everything that I have) is pretty different than before. The basics are the same of course. I want to help people, I want to be sealed in the temple to a righteous priesthood holder, I want to have a family and be a bomb.com mom, etc. All of these are things that I have always envisioned for myself and that I have chosen for myself over and over again for years.

But there are a few huge decisions that I made with "20 seconds of insane courage." These were decisions that were basically "Do it now or you never will" decisions. And my whole life and purpose has shifted because of those split-second decisions.

Let me break these decisions down for you:

#1- I decided to stop being abused.

In Part 2 of this series, I bared my soul to you guys and told you what was really going on when my ex and I broke off our engagement the first time. But I'm going to expand on that just a little bit more.

The day that we finally broke things off, my ex pressured me into doing horrible things. All the while telling me to "prove it." Prove to him that I was worth sticking with. 

Prove it. Prove it. Prove it.

And I hate to admit it, but I tried. I tried so hard to prove that I was worth hanging on to. In that moment, my mind was in the tight grip of complete terror. I couldn't lost him. I absolutely could not. If I didn't have him then I had nothing and I was nothing.

He treated me so terribly through the whole terrible experience. I had to do things that I abhorred because this time he made it very clear that if I didn't, then that was it. He was gone. 

Prove it. Prove it. Prove it.

Prove to me that you can be good enough for me. Prove that you can satisfy me. Prove that I didn't make the wrong choice in picking you.

I was so desperate to not lose the man that I loved that I did whatever "it" was at the moment. Every time I hesitated or questioned what he was asking me to do, every time I tried to refuse doing what he wanted, he would look at me like "I knew you wouldn't do it" and would sometimes argue with me about whatever it was. I could tell that I was losing him. The terror told me that that wasn't an option. 

And so I would give in.

What little of the real me that was left inside was quickly dying as I once more fought the battle between my love of my ex and my love of my Heavenly Father. I was quite thoroughly broken by the time that he finally seemed mollified.

When we finally got to that point, we went back to doing normal, everyday things. 

I tried fruitlessly to focus on homework while he sat and watched a show. And man oh man, he was SO happy, so content. He was so pleased with how everything had gone down. 

He had finally gotten what he really wanted. I had finally sufficiently satisfied him. I hadn't seen him so happy in ages.

But it didn't make me feel good. It made me feel way worse. 

I sat there in complete despair and turmoil while he sat there totally content; not bothered at all by anything that we had just done.

My poor, broken, tired brain could fight it no longer. What we had done was so extremely not okay. I literally felt sick to my stomach. The little sliver of myself that was still clinging to me went back and forth for about an hour. And then the decision was made. The battle was won and my ex is not the one who won out in the end. God was.

We hadn't had sex (which in his mind seemed to be all that mattered. Anything goes as long as we're not having full on sex. We're getting married in a few months anyway...), but I knew that the things that we had done were still extremely, vilely, wrong. And so I knew what I needed to do next.

And I was utterly petrified. Because I knew that I was about to lose him. But I started packing my homework up into my backpack anyway.

He asked if I was heading out and I said yes. Whether my voice cracked or he could see it in my face, or both, he could tell that something was wrong. All of a sudden he was so concerned about me.

"Are you okay?"

All I could say was "You're going to hate me. You're going to hate me" as I began to cry. He stiffened.

"I'm calling the bishop right now. What we did was wrong and I knew that it was wrong and I did it anyway because I didn't want to lose you because I love you."

My ex didn't say a word to me after that. He packed some things up in his car and drove off to Utah to spend the rest of the week with his family.

I got a text an hour or so later that simply said "We're done. Don't talk to me or my family."

Okay, I'm going to end the narrative of one of the worst days of my life there.

I had been fighting a losing battle for a few months by then. But with 20 seconds of courage I was able to finally pull out. 

For the first time in what felt like forever, I realized that I actually did deserve better and that there was no possible way that this could be what Heavenly Father wanted for me. And so with a moment's courage I called us out. I finally faced up to my ex and essentially told him that Heavenly Father trumps him. Something that I always said, but couldn't find the courage to act upon.

I watched my ex drive away and then only made it a few yards before I sat on the pavement outside of my apartment complex and called the bishop. I was crying so hard that he could hardly make any kind of sense out of what I was telling him.

Let me tell you, deciding to make that call is the absolute most terrifying thing that I have ever done. 

Not because I thought that I couldn't be forgiven. I knew that Christ's Atonement can heal all wounds and cover all sins. No, it was horrifying because I knew that the moment that I decided to call the bishop was the moment that I would drive my ex away. Which is the very thing that I had just tried so hard not to do. (I was also terrified of being kicked out of school).

I broke myself to keep him with me. But then an hour later I drove him away by choosing to be healed.

With 20 seconds of insane courage, I chose to stop allowing myself to be degraded and abused.

#2- I decided to let him go.

That may sound redundant since I just explained how I had to make a decision that would drive my ex away, but this is different.

If you look back at Part 5.1, you'll see where I talk about how much I took care of my ex after he came back from visiting his family after I- quite literally -drove him away.

And I talked about how my first instinct was to take care of him when he was arrested.

And that's true. I honestly wanted to just see him, wrap him in my arms, and tell him that it was all going to be okay. 

But.

The moment that it was confirmed that my ex was the culprit, I decided that that was it for us. Which sounds like "Duh, of course it was. You were the victim of HIS felony!" But love doesn't shut off that easily. And I had already stuck with him through an awful lot. I could have chosen to continue to stick with him. Wait out the legal stuff and then get back together with him and help him through his sentence, rehabilitation, etc. And part of me wanted to do that.

Honestly, it might not be totally fair for me to say that I decided to let him go. Because, really, the choice was made for me. In that moment that I found myself engaged to a felon, Heavenly Father made it very clear to me that it was over. My ex had had his chance- more than one actually -and he blew it big time. It was time for me to leave him behind.

But it still took courage. Life with my ex was the only life that I knew how to live anymore. But I knew that- this time -this was it. I had to allow myself to leave him. And that hurt me a lot.

I had always been the one left behind. I hated being the one to have to decide to leave him behind.

#3- I decided to forgive.

I honestly cannot fully explain to you why I was able to forgive my ex so quickly. The best that I can do is give some reasons that I think factored into it.

First of all, I knew my ex. I mean, obviously I didn't know him as well as I thought, but still. I could see his potential so clearly. But if he was to reach that potential, he would have to do some serious repenting. And for that to work, Heavenly Father would have to forgive him. And I knew that God would absolutely forgive him if he fully repented, so what would give me the right to not forgive him?

I wanted to believe that he could rise up from all of this some day. But for that to happen, forgiveness was required. Because if I didn't forgive him, it would only make it harder for him to find the strength to continue on.

Second, I was done allowing my ex to have power over me. I was done with that when I decided to stop being abused. 

If I didn't forgive him, I would be filled with anger and resentment. I would eventually be filled with hate and that would ruin me as a person.

I refused to give my ex the power to make me an angry, bitter person. So I forgave him.

In my mind, forgiveness is partially for the other person, but is really mostly for you.

Think about it. My ex could serve out his sentence, fully repent, and go on to change the world and live a fantastic life (though it would take an awful lot to get there of course). He could do that and I would still be left bitter if I had chosen not to forgive. And that is just not okay with me. What happens to him is up to him. But I chose to be the bigger person and allow myself to forgive him so that I could find some peace.

Okay, last but not least:

#4- I decided to speak up.

Let me tell you how I decided to go into public speaking. Because it's definitely not something that I ever thought that I would do.

This one all hinged on a split-second decision that has completely changed my life.

In one of my past posts, I talked about the day that the first article about my ex's arrest came out. And I talked about how I felt compelled to comment under that article, pleading for some mercy on him as a fellow child of God.

The decision to hit "Enter" after writing that comment has changed everything for me.

I didn't realize it at the time, but in that moment, Heavenly Father gave me a choice; do something with this trial that you're facing, or don't. Become wrapped up in yourself, or allow yourself to reach out to others instead.

If I had psyched myself out of making that comment, I'm not sure what my life would be like right now.

Because here's the truth of it; if I hadn't made that comment, then I may have never opened up about any of this publicly. But because I did, I felt like I could- and should -keep being open about what was happening in my life and how I was handling it. In that 20 seconds of insane courage I decided to speak out in a way that no one expected. And over time that led me to break a stigma and start writing about very real-life things like trauma, depression, PTSD, etc. which eventually gave me the courage to speak out about abuse and pornography addiction.

I started this blog because of that split-second decision. That one comment is what started it all.

Starting this blog was another 20 second decision. Heavenly Father finally convinced me that I needed to do it (I had been pretty stubborn about not blogging up 'til that point), and so I finally plucked up the courage to do it. And I made a blog right then and there even though I had absolutely no clue what I was doing or how to be blogger or what to say or any of it. 

All I knew was that I was supposed to.

And so many of my posts have taken a lot of courage to hit "Publish" on.

Let me tell you, I don't write anything unless I feel like I should. That's why there are sometimes fairly large gaps between posts. I wait until I go into my "blogger-mode" because I feel inspired to write something. Sometimes I know what I'm going to write about, and sometimes Heavenly Father lets me know along the way.

But I don't post a single blog post that I don't feel like the Holy Ghost has inspired to to write and publish.

And some of the things that I'm inspired to write are extremely difficult to write about. And they are extremely difficult to find the courage to post because they often do require me to really lay it all out there for everyone to see. All of my flaws, all of my struggles... Everything. And so I need that 20 seconds of courage to help me to hit "Publish."

But as my blog has continued to grow and as I have felt inspired to write more and more, I have found something that I'm truly passionate about. I have found within myself this burning desire to make a difference in the lives of men and women who are suffering- or have suffered -from abuse, mental illness, and/or pornography addiction. I found this drive to change lives. To do everything in my power to make sure that no one ever has to feel the pain that I have felt and continue to feel.

And that's why I'm going into public speaking. Because I want to speak out about the subjects that are often skirted around and I want to speak loudly enough for everyone to hear.

Because keeping quiet only allows for more silent suffering; more of the loneliness of feeling that no one understands.

These four decisions have shaped my life into something that is still incredibly difficult, but also incredibly rewarding. I feel like I am doing something with my life that is truly fulfilling.

Today I am a 24 year old college student who knows now what kind of person she deserves to marry. Who wants to break down barriers that keep people suffering in seclusion. Who sometimes struggles to function, but doesn't let that stop her from doing what she can to help as many people as she can reach through her writing. 

Where I stand is still an awfully steep slope, but I can already tell that there is a fantastic view waiting for me. And in the meantime, I'm doing everything that I can to not only keep climbing, but to help others in their personal climbs as well.

Everything that I have and everything that I am are results of tiny moments of being completely terrified, but doing something anyway.

I am not yet where I would like to be, but I'm getting closer all the time and I refuse to give up.

I have found a strength within myself that I never would have thought possible for me. I have been given the tools to help the lives of others in a significant way. I have been given experiences that have helped to strengthen my testimony, to better understand my divine worth, and to fill me with not only an intense desire to change lives, but also the understanding necessary to do so.

I would not be where I am without my entire world falling to pieces. I am who I am today because I broke. But not only because I broke, but because I chose to take my pieces and roll with them. I chose to press forward. I chose to find meaning and purpose to my life again. Heavenly Father gave me the opportunity, and I took it. 

Because I refuse to be broken. I will always pick back up and continue on. And I choose to allow the Lord to make me strong enough to do so. 

THAT is why I am here.

To all of "those who know" what I have been going through, I want to say to you that even though you may not be where you want to be, there is an awful lot that you can do with where you are. 

Heavenly Father is more than capable of helping you to take the worst things that have ever happened to you and turn them into something worthwhile. But sometimes you simply need 20 seconds of insane courage to let Him.

You are not going to heal in an instant. You are not going to be where you think that you ought to be when you think that you ought to be there. Where you are might not feel very good, but it is where you need to be right now. Because Heavenly Father has some wonderfully big plans for you. You are capable of so much more than you ever were before because of all that you have been through and are going through.

Don't stop looking forward to where you want to be, but also never lose sight of where you are. Because I guarantee that if you are doing your best, then you are exactly where the Lord needs you to be.