It Will Be

So funny story. I was more miserable than I have been in a while on Wednesday night. It hit all of a sudden and I sobbed harder than I have in ages. And so I decided "Hey, what the heck. I'll actually write a journal entry instead of a blog post this time so that I can just rant about my life being hard without feeling bad for not putting a positive spin on it because no one will see it. It'll be good for me."

So I started writing. And Heavenly Father is like "Nope. You know that it's not all bad. You know that you trust me. You know that I've been blessing you." And I ended up accidentally writing more of a blog post instead.

This is why I don't journal. Hahahaha

So here it is. Here's the post that was supposed to just be me wallowing and being sad all on my lonesome that accidentally ended up being positive because I apparently can't wallow properly.

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You know, sometimes I just want to not be sad anymore. And I want to not get sick all of the time with things that you can’t cure. And I want to not be so stressfully poor that I want to burst into tears after every single grocery shopping trip because I can’t afford any of the food that I just bought, but eating is important.

And I really want to not be in pain anymore; both physically and emotionally. And I want to not have a back/neck injury anymore. And I would love to not have IBS. And, oh yeah, PTSD.

And then I feel awful for wanting everything to be different because I know that I have learned such valuable lessons from all of these things. I am who I am because of them. And I know that Heavenly Father knows what He’s doing with my life.

So I feel so, so guilty. CONSTANTLY.

But it’s still true.

I would love to have a week, a full week, where I’m not riddled with anxiety and depression. Where I don’t feel sick or in pain. Where I can leave the grocery store without a care in the world. Where I can have a good day and end the day feeling good. And then go to sleep at midnight and have wonderful dreams.

I thought that my life was hard before.

I had no idea.

I took it for granted that I could climb a tree and only be mildly sore afterwards. And that I could work a regular job. And that I could end a good day happy. And that I almost NEVER had nightmares.

Man oh man, I had SO much and I had no clue!

And there’s that guilt again.

Because I still have so much! It feels like I have so much less than I did before, but I know that that’s not true. I have been so abundantly blessed and continue to be blessed. But I still hurt and I’m still just tired of fighting my body, mind, and heart with every fiber of my being every moment of every day.

It’s exhausting. How in the world do I keep doing this day after day?

God.

Literally, He is the only reason that I keep going. Because this so, SO hard. And I am just SO ready for it to all be over. But it’s not going to be over tomorrow and it’s not going to be over next week and it’s not going to fully be over in this life because that’s what this life is about.

It’s about learning and growing and progressing. And I can’t do any of those things without some blood, sweat, and tears.

And I have to learn to be okay with that.

I don’t know how to be as strong as everyone says that I am. I don’t know how to be as strong as Heavenly Father is asking me to be. And it’s really cool to think about what He might have in mind for me with all of this strength that I’m supposed to be gaining, but it just seems so far off.

I don’t feel like I’m getting stronger. I feel like I’m getting beaten down, over and over again.

Like I’m getting weaker by the second.

But maybe it’s like that story with the bird on the mountain where it sharpens its beak in the same spot each day, chipping away at the earth until that spot stood taller than everything around it.

That beak hurts.

But the mountain is worth it.

Sometimes it’s not a mountain to climb, but rather a gradual chipping away until you ARE the mountain.

And it hurts. It hurts so much and so deep and it keeps hurting every single day.

But then when you look at yourself and see what you have become, it will all be worth it in the end.

Right?

And I suppose that that’s what keeps me going day after day. Knowing that it’ll all be worth it someday. Knowing that Heavenly Father will never ask me to be stronger than He is prepared to make me. Knowing that things actually WILL be wonderful someday. Knowing that He is sending me blessings every single day to help me to keep fighting.

Knowing that He knows how hard I’m fighting. He understands that I’m running a mental marathon every waking moment, and often while I sleep. He knows that it leaves me completely spent in every sense.

He knows that I need to keep running because He knows where I’m going. He knows who I have the potential to become.

And my knowing that HE knows all of that is so vital to my survival.

Because that’s what I’m doing right now. Some days I manage to live a bit. But the majority of the time, I’m just trying to survive until the next hour.

And knowing all of that doesn’t mean that this isn’t still excruciating. It doesn’t mean that I don’t still hurt so deeply. It doesn’t take away the near-paralyzing anxiety of doing basic human things. And it doesn’t mean that I still don’t wish that there was some sort of cure for all of this.
Have you ever secretly hoped that you had a vicious disease? Or realized that you almost wouldn’t even care if you have cancer, because at least then you can TRY to treat it?

I have.

I can’t stand going to the doctor over and over and over again and having them tell me “Your test results look great! Everything looks normal.” It makes me want to scream that that can’t be true because I feel so awful! There must be something- ANYTHING -that I have that you can actually treat. Please! Stick me in the hospital! I don’t care! Just make me feel better.

Please.

Please take away this pain in my heart and fear in my mind. Isn’t there a cure?

I just want something to make me feel better. That’s all I want.

Is that really so much to ask?

Yes.

Because the whole point of my existence here on earth is to become like Christ. And how can I become patient if I don’t ever have to be? Or long suffering if I never have to suffer for a long time? And how can I properly “mourn with those that mourn” if I have absolutely no idea what it is like to mourn?

Heavenly Father wants me to have eternal joy.

How can I have joy if I have never known sorrow?

I can’t.

And so I continue to look to the future and tell myself:

Imagine how infinitely more happy you will be when you find the right man than you would have been if you hadn’t been so tragically hurt by the wrong one?... Just think of the people that you will be able to help because you’ll get it… Picture the twinkle in the eyes of your future children, and how you’ll be so grateful that you were able to have them after being so afraid of physicality for so long… And close your eyes for a moment and picture having a resurrected body someday. No more nausea or headaches or practically debilitating back pain. Never again will “The Cough” plague you. Racking your body until you feel like you’re literally going to simply pass out and die if you cough one more time…

How much more will you appreciate all of that than you would have if you had never had to learn to?

And I can see it.

I can see it all.

And it honestly is so hard to believe that I will have all of that someday. And it is so, so hard to really feel that sense of wonder and gratitude right now. But I’m doing my best.

My best simply has to be enough for now, even if my best still results in a measure of anguish now and then.

Because I really do honestly believe that Heavenly Father is chipping away at me, creating something magnificent. Helping me to become the absolute best person that I can be. So that He can give me the absolute best that life has to offer.

Because He wants me to have the absolute most joy that is at all possible for me.

And I know that it will absolutely be worth it.


PS- Again, I found lots of pictures that I liked. So here: