I promise that there are only two parts to the 5th part of this series. I also promise that this post isn't quite as long as the scroll bar is making it look. There's just a ton of pictures in this one.
Okay then, moving on.
So in my last post I talked about worrying about yourself instead of worrying about your ex. Now it's time to talk about what exactly "worrying about yourself" actually means.
I went to my first counseling appointment with my new counselor today. I took it as a good sign that she was wearing a shirt with stars on it, as stars are my favorite.
I've gotta admit, having a professional say "Wow. That's... a lot" after I had only told her about the arrest was very validating. And then I went on to tell her about everything that happened before that and she seemed stunned. A mental health professional that specializes in addiction, abuse, trauma, and borderline personality disorder was still stunned by what I had to tell her about my life as of the past two years. Huh.
She told me that she could tell that I really have the drive to get better and she's right. I'm not content to wallow forever. And I've tried not to do that anyway, but that's what a lot of my life is right now. Wallowing.
Wallowing in sadness, in stress about school, my health, my financial situation (I can't put those two words together without thinking of Hamilton...), my fear of dating, etc.
I spend so much time feeling sad and overwhelmed. I want to get better, but have such a hard time finding the motivation to do anything. And I'm always so tired. And my body hates me. And and and...
And that's how things go when you've literally been traumatized. It actually physically messes up your brain. And brain damage takes time to repair. Yup, I just said that I have brain damage. Cool. Hahahaha
So here is what it really means to worry about yourself:
Give your brain the opportunity, the tools, and the time to repair.
This requires a few different realizations:
1- That healing is absolutely going to take time.
2- That you CANNOT DO THIS BY YOURSELF.
3- That you are stronger than you think.
4- That self-care is not selfish.
5- That going to the professionals is important.
6- That things really can and will get better.
7- That there is an awful lot to be grateful for right now, even when life sucks.
8- That God is on your side, by your side, rooting for you, lifting you, sending you blessings, etc. etc. etc.
So let's take these one at a time.
1- Healing takes time
I think that I've written about this before, but I'm going to do it again.
When my ex-fiance was arrested last January and everything in my life was turned upside down, inside out, and backwards, I told myself that I would surely be okay again by Fall semester. Not great, but okay. That gave me 9 months to heal enough. No problem.
HA.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT try to put a timeline on your healing. That's all I'm going to say about that because I already addressed this in Part 3 of this series.
2- You CANNOT do this alone
Look, I'm the type of person that loves to help others but HATES to need help. I'm the type of person that feels like I'm imposing on people and that I'm just making their lives harder if I ask them for help/rely on them.
I get it.
BUT.
Heavenly Father has a way of making me accept help. Usually it's when I'm seriously ill. But this time it's by making me realize that I literally can't get through all of this by myself.
Again, I've written about this before so I won't dwell on it too, too much. But sometimes we need to read it a few different times in a few different ways in order for it to really sink into our stubborn skulls.
I- who have tried to do things all by myself when I literally could hardly walk -have asked for the most arbitrary things ever over the past year or so. "I need a boy hug, I need someone to make me eat, I need someone to play with my hair, I need a ride to xyz, I need someone to play a game with me to distract me, I need to not be alone, I need to be told a gazillion times that I'm worth loving," and on, and on, and on.
Glory. Sometimes I'm straight up amazed that I have friends.
I mean really. I feel like I'm so dang needy! And I don't even ask for help all of the times that I could use it (and they yell at me for that ;) ). It's like I keep waiting for them to be like, "Yeah... This girl is too much. Peace" and then leave. But I know that they won't. Which is an amazing thing for me to know because I really struggle with the concept of people actually wanting to stick it out as my friends. But it's true.
And I need you to know that there are people who love you too. People who will be more than happy to fulfill your random needs. People who see that you are totally, completely worth loving. Let them help you. I assure you that if you don't, you're only making your road to recovery about 264% more difficult for yourself, and that would be a very poor life decision indeed.
 |
| Yup. ALL THE TIME. |
I am being dang repetitive in this post, but it's needed, so oh well. Go back to Parts 1 and 3 for more on this.
But really though.
When I was talking to my friend that inspired this entire series, I pointed something out to her.
I said something to the effect of "You know how much I'm struggling. You know that I don't sleep or eat properly and that I cry all the time. Do you think that I'm weak?" Obviously she said no because that's what everyone says. And when she said no, I gestured to her like "And there's my point!" All of you crazy people keep telling me that I'm so strong. I don't feel like I am. But I look at others that are going through situations like mine and I see SO much strength in them! So take it from yourself when you tell me that I'm strong that you are equally strong.
Okay thanks.
 |
| Literally me every time someone tells me that I'm "strong" or "inspiring." |
4- Self-care is not selfish
Okay, so a "Treat yo'seeeeeelf!" mentality isn't necessarily what we're going for here. But allowing yourself to take care of yourself is SO IMPORTANT.
Again. I like to be the one helping. I would much rather make someone else happy than worry about what I need. Part of the reason it was so easy for my ex to abuse me without me knowing. I am all about putting others first, even if that means that I myself am miserable.
That's not good.
Caring for others is absolutely important. But you can't help anyone else very well at all if you yourself are the hottest of messes.
And I'm not saying that you can't help other people at all while you heal, but you do have to let yourself sit back and let someone else do it sometimes. And that sucks. A lot. But you've got to do it.
Self-care is all about honing in on your own needs. And those needs are different than you're used to (see "I need someone to make sure that I eat" above). It is literally okay if you need to take a nap. Taking 12 hour naps like I tend to isn't necessarily ideal, but it is okay to acknowledge that being sad and trying to heal is freaking exhausting.
If you have the money, it's okay to go somewhere else for a while and just get away from it all. Or buy yourself that yummy whatever. Or get a massage. Or whatever else you might honestly need at the moment. And those things, again, may seem arbitrary. But if they help you to feel better, then they're necessary.
This has honestly been a really hard one for me to find a good balance with because I can definitely think of things that will make me feel better, but I can't even afford rent, so I really need to not go around spending all of the money that I don't have on treats and trips. But there are other ways that I can take care of myself, I just have to dig a little bit deeper sometimes to find them.
The point is, taking care of yourself is a very, very good thing! It's okay to slow down a bit as your poor heart and brain try to process everything.
Taking care of yourself isn't selfish and it isn't weak. It takes a special strength to be able to take a step back, say "I need help", and then do something about it.
5- Professionals are literally trained to help you. LET THEM.
This can be a super touchy subject for people, so I'm just going to dive right in!
There is nothing weak about working with a counselor.
There is nothing weak about taking medicine for your mental health.
Guess what? Both of those things actually show a crap ton of strength! It goes back to admitting that, "Hey! I can't do this by myself, but I'm determined to heal, so let's get going!"
I'm not exactly the poster-child for this since (before today) I literally haven't met with a counselor since probably March or April. But I finally changed that today.
I get that talking to a therapist might not be high on your list of things that you just love doing! But if actually feeling strong, healed, and like you're actually accomplishing things with your life, then you've got to find a good counselor. And it's not a fun search. And it's hard to drudge up the motivation to go on that search. But it will be worth it. And I will keep you updated on how my counseling experience goes.
Depending on your situation and if you have one nearby, use whatever version of the Family Crisis Center is available. Holy Hannah I wish that I had had someone tell me about- and make me go to -the Family Crisis Center WAY sooner. I learned about them Fall semester and then took a million years to work up the courage/motivation to actually go there.
Let me explain to you really quick what it is that I'm talking about. When I went to the Family Crisis Center, I was given a personal advocate to work with that has so far: researched therapists to help me to find the best one that I can walk to, given me the paperwork for and kept track of the progress on my victim's compensation so that I can afford said therapy, called periodically to check up on me, given me information on other resources that they provide such as a thrift store and a fresh food bank, etc. I literally have a person that I don't have to pay a single penny to that takes care of all of the things that I have struggled to work up the motivation for for MONTHS. She also told me that if I had come sooner, she would have gone to court stuff with me and such as well. She's freaking dynamite and I love her already.
Moving on.
Meds.
I've been on depression medicine for over a year now. Does it mean that I never feel sad? Of course not! But does it help me to function and allow me to feel happy? YES. And it's not that the medicine gives me some fake sense of euphoria or anything (I am not taking cocaine you see), it rather allows me to feel my own genuine feelings of happiness with less of the cloud of depression dampening everything.
I kid you not, I ran out of my depression medicine a couple of months ago and wasn't able to refill it for a couple of days and I was a complete wreck for those days. THAT is what is unnatural, not the happiness that I am able to feel when I take my medicine. After feeling that level of anxiety and depression again, I realized that there is no way that I'd be going anywhere without my depression meds.
Again, finding the right medicine and dosage can be a bit of a process. But it will be worth it when you find them.
Now I'm not saying that taking medicine is going to heal you. Because it won't. But it will help you to better take the steps to healing that are awfully hard to take when you're bogged down by depression, anxiety, or whatever.
Medicine isn't a problem solver, but it's an aide in the process.
Seeking professional help is not weak. Stop telling yourself that it is. Stop letting other people tell you that it is. There is no shame in going to someone that actually has the tools to help you. That would be intelligence.
Not to say that "nature therapy" and whatever won't help, but those things by themselves are rarely helpful since finding the motivation to go on a hike when you feel like crap is kind of impossible sometimes. There are many, many steps to recovery and "natural" ways are some of them, but professional help is also a very important step.
This video is super great, watch it.
6- Things absolutely can, and will, get better!
I'll keep this one short and sweet.
Sometimes it feels like you're going to be like this for the rest of forever. You'll never accomplish anything else in your life and you're always going to be sad, etc. Not true. Healing is absolutely possible and things will improve. I promise you.
I suck at trying to heal, but things have gotten a lot better for me anyway through the efforts that I have managed to put in. And if "Wow that's a lot" me can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise that there is one for you too. Even if you've gone through much worse than I have, things can still get better.
See this post.
7- There is a lot to be grateful for
Again, short and sweet since this post is already super long.
I promise you that there are blessings being showered down on you that you may not recognize.
In the midst of this crazy mess that is your life, there are tender mercies everywhere. Your friends, that sale on your favorite treat, that person complimenting your shirt, your favorite song coming on the radio, that absolutely gorgeous sunset that you only saw because you got out of your whatever late, etc.
Learn to recognize the good because that's what will keep you going.
See this post.
8- God is on your team
This one is my favorite.
Think about it. There is an all-powerful, all-knowing Being who literally wants your happiness more than you do. This Person loves you fully, sees your strength, and perfectly understands your struggles.
Holy. Freaking. Cow.
How cool is that?!
With all of the advice that I give, the number one most important thing for you to know is that God wants to help you but you have to let Him.
Healing is only possible through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. He knows how you feel because He has been there. He has lived every second of your pain and so He knows exactly how to fix it. Don't ignore this valuable resource. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love you more than you can even comprehend. Their goal is your joy. Turn to Them. Listen to Them. Let Them in. Let Them heal you.
Heavenly Father knows that this is SO hard. He gets it. He sees you struggling and He doesn't see weakness. He sees strength, and courage, and determination. He is SO proud of you. He loves you. I promise you that He does. I don't care if you can feel it or not right now. It is 100% true. He loves you and He wants the absolute best for you. Let Him give it to you.
You cannot do this without Him.
Okay, time to wrap up this crazy long post.
This whole healing thing sucks. And it's not easy. And it's not fun. And you probably hate it. I know I do.
But taking care of yourself and seeking help from loved ones, professionals, and God will be worth it.
And eventually your life will suck less, and not be so hard, and will be more fun, and will be less hate-worthy. More than that, someday, you're going to love your life. And you'll love it all the more because of the crap storm that you bravely plowed through.
So please take the time necessary to worry about yourself. Take some of the love and service that you give to others and keep some of it for yourself.
The road to healing can be long, painful, and seemingly fruitless. But you've got to keep pushing forward.
Never stop on that road. Keep going. Even when it’s hard. ESPECIALLY when it's hard.
It will be worth it. I promise.
PS- One more link. This was one of my first posts and I still love it :)
PPS- Here are a ton of pictures that can relate to everything that I have said (mostly pictures that I've had on standby for potential use in posts):
No comments:
Post a Comment