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| This is my favorite photo, and up until this point, Anna has beaten me to using it. When she had the idea for us to write our respective sides of the story, she graciously let me have this one. |
Every night I'll kiss you you'll say in my ear
Oh we're in love aren't we?
Hands in your hair, fingers and thumbs baby
I feel safe when you're holding me near
Love the way that you conquer your fear
You know hearts don't break around here
-Ed Sheeran
(Hey there! Anna here! This is the first blog post that I've ever had someone else write. Everything that you're about to read was written by my fiance, Jonathan. You will probably be hearing from him on occasion in the future as well.)
I am an introvert, and up until a year ago, I could count, on both hands, how many dates I had been on since I was 16 (the age my church recommends youth start dating).
I’m also a recovering porn addict, and not too successful at that. Not until a year ago.
Music runs deep in my family, whether through instruments or through voice. While my parents and most of my sisters play multiple forms of instruments, I stick mainly to voice (haven’t played piano or violin in 15+ years). I was always singing in the church choir, which my mom directed, and when I went to school, I, of course, enrolled in an auditioned choir.
I took one year of school, to obtain 15+ college credits, as proof of education (I was home schooled) so I could enlist in the United States Marine Corps, my childhood dream.
While the journey to become a Marine has been rewarding, there are some less than savory parts that do not help, namely the culture of Too Much Information (TMI). Oh yes, Marines are very…….free with what they tell you, and in detail to boot. Not a good thing to couple with a pornography addiction.
After completing training at the School of Infantry, I returned home to Ohio to work. I was really not in good shape, relapsing multiple times a day.
Fear ruled all. Within the church, there is a stigma against pornography; a taboo that you just never talk about. And those who become addicted to it? Sure, there are people who will shun you out of surprised ignorance. Why? Because they just don’t know how to handle it. Good for them, that they kept themselves pure from the taint of pornography. The downside is that they have no clue how to handle someone who has.
Do not misunderstand me, I am not advocating that you dabble in such filth. I am asking those who have remained steadfast, in not partaking, to lend an understanding mind to those of us who have fallen. Satan plays on the fear that you will be thrown out of the church, and hated by everyone, if you ever reveal your terrible secret.
Oh yeah, he had me on the ropes, for 16 years. All that time, I was trying to repent incorrectly. You know, have my cake, and eat it. Never truly confronting how bad it was, or speaking with the people who could help me the most. I felt isolated; alone, and forgotten.
While I might have been in bad shape, I did know that I still wanted to go back to school, so I reapplied, and came back for the Winter 2017 semester.
Boy had things changed. There was this new choir director, and I was skeptical at first. She was having us do all these funny exercises, and voice warm-ups; it was weird.
That semester, I had read in the school newspaper, that a student had been arrested for felony, for hiding cameras in his fiancée’s apartment. It was tragic, that he had let his addiction sway him so far, to hurt the person he was to marry, for time and all eternity. It was….really messed up (I would usually be more colorful, in my description of the situation). It was a realization that the Rexburg Bubble was just a myth. Trouble can be found, if you go looking for it.
If there is one thing you need to know about Sister Smith, it is that she has an enormous heart, and that she is very punctual. Having worked with her, now for a few semesters, I can say that she plans each rehearsal to the minute. Class starts promptly at 3:15, and it ends, just as suddenly, at 4:15, with very, very few exceptions.
We had a concert coming up and practice time was precious, with the difficult pieces we were learning. It was a surprise, when she stopped class, for 20 mins, to talk to us about the story in the school paper, and speak about the dangers of pornography addiction. She knew both the students in question; perpetrator and victim. Had worked closely with him, and knew him to be an outstanding student and a hard worker.
That day, she bore her heart out, in love. Plead with those who were struggling with addiction, to get help. To know that there were those around that were willing to help, at a moment’s notice, with love in their hearts. It left a deep impression on me, marking a turning point in my life. No longer would I live in fear. No longer would I care how much pain I would go through. To become clean again, that was my singular goal.
Our choir maintains a Facebook page, to help communicate any schedule chains, or practices notes. The next semester, I returned home to Ohio to work, and Sister Smith again talked to the choir about pornography. I only know this because a person reached out, over the choir page, to tell her side of the story. Her name was Annaliese Kretchman. She wanted everyone to know that she didn’t hate her ex-fiancé, although she had every right to. That she felt forgiveness, even though he had committed a crime.
I knew that she must be a special person to have been abused in such a way, but to love the gospel so much, not only to stay in the church, but to forgive her offender. Even so, I never thought that our lives would ever cross.
Coming back to school for Fall semester, I discovered that the choir was participating in the church’s Light the World campaign. Because our semester ends mid-December, we decided to start in October, till the end of classes. Sister Smith was forming a student council, to find and organize service opportunities, and was asking for volunteers, so I put my name in the hat.
Our first meeting was spent figuring out who would be in charge of different aspects of our service initiative. We had decided that we wanted a unique theme each week, spreading from those nearest you to people you didn’t know. Think Sphere of Influence. That meeting is when I heard her name, and saw her, in person; Annaliese Kretchman.
At the time, she was dating a wonderful guy (I can personally attest. I’m friends with him), and she looked so happy, standing next to him. I thought that resolution had occurred, and that she had moved on with life.
One of the last themes we introduced, was that of serving complete strangers; people you might see every day, passing them by. It’s a college campus, so there are plenty of people to serve. My partner and I traded off sharing a story of service, whether from the scriptures, or our personal lives, and the lot fell on me this time. The Spirit reminded me of line from Lord, I Would Follow Thee: “In the quiet heart is hidden sorrows that the eye can’t see.” I thought of all the people I pass on the streets. What wounds do they bear that I can’t see?
I approached Sister Smith about the spiritual prompting, and asked if I could give the porn talk, this semester. I was given the green light, with some suggestions and concerns that Sister Smith wanted me to cover.
I was nervous, wondering how I would talk to 250 students, about something that I was currently struggling with. The idea came to talk about first impressions, an oft heard discussion amongst education majors, with job interviews in mind. As Anna has said, I dressed up nicely that day, styled my hair (not a usual occurrence), and was clean shaven (a given at BYU-I). When asked about my own impression, I received nothing but positive feedback. Not hard, as Anna says I am "super attractive."
Then to hit them with the hammer, that I was still struggling with pornography addiction, after 17 years. That there were choir members with the same struggle, and many others who have crippling anxiety, PTSD, thoughts of suicide, and depression. That beyond what we can see on the exterior, there were many bleeding out from spiritual, mental, and emotional wounds.
I’m not sure what I was expecting, as a result, but what became reality was 250 choir members reaching out to each other; those who suffer, and those who don’t. That individuals realized that they weren’t alone in the fight, and true Disciples of Christ stood ready, with outstretched hands. It was an amazing sight.
As life went on in the semester, I officially met Anna, singing at an assisted-living facility. Nothing much happened then, but a week or so later I was standing by to ask Sister Smith something about an upcoming project. Anna was already speaking to her, and she had started to cry as Sister Smith hugged her. I decided to make myself scarce since it wasn’t my business to pry in to.
The next day we were volunteering at a local food pantry and Anna caught a ride out with my friend and I. A song started playing, and it was too much for Anna, who asked if I could change the song; she had started crying. I wasn’t sure what I should do, or could do, since I was driving. We finished the service project, and found out that she had ridden back with another friend who was also there, but that our service leader had forgotten to tell me, so there was 10 minutes of frantic searching and messaging before we found out that she was safely home.
We texted back and forth more that night, and somewhere in there we learned that she can make really good cookies, and I really love baking cinnamon rolls. How it happened, I’m not quite sure, but I offered to teach her, and she accepted. I immediately lost my crap, because I had just sort of asked her on a date. I say sort of, because the words that came out of my mouth were not “do you want to go on a date and make cinnamon rolls with me?”, but the result was the same.
I’m not kidding, I freaked out, and wrote Sister Smith a long email, immediately.
Admittedly, not much happened, besides making some really good cinnamon rolls, with one of her roommates there for comfort support. Our friendship began there.
Over the Christmas break, we continued to message, and I saw her post on FB saying that she needed a ride for herself and her brother, who she had finally convinced to come to BYU-I. She was down in Salt Lake, and I had gone to Oregon, to see my grandparents. At the time, I didn’t really know why, but I will go out on a limb and say that it was the Spirit. I felt like I needed to be the one to provide that ride, and I happily ponied up.
Let us be clear, Oregon, to SLC, to Rexburg, is not “On the way”. It’s something like +4 hours, and I had a military training weekend, in SLC. The smart decision would have been to not give the ride and just stay at my sisters, and go to drill. What I did was add more hours of driving, to go up to Rexburg, then immediately turn around, literally, not figuratively, and go back to SLC for training.
Totally worth it.
Mostly talked on the drive up and got to know her brother. Like the cinnamon rolls, nothing significant happened per se. We just got to know each other better.
Winter semester, Anna invited me into her friends group; watching Avatar: The Last Airbender, the Marbleympics during Oreo night, and other fun activities. I went to every one, and was often the last to leave. Yes, she thought I was weird, but hey, persistence pays off.
A very impactful night happened in the first weeks. She called me late at night, to give her a blessing for the coming semester. We talked a little about what was going on, and she confided that she had felt like a failure the previous semester when all the service projects were going on and she was sick during most of them. She felt like she was a burden and only took from other people and could never give back. It was heartbreaking, to see someone who survived mental, emotional, and sexual abuse, think of themselves as broken.
Except I did not see some broken object before me, nor did I see a burden. There is a Japanese art form, which uses gold dusted lacquer to repair broken ceramics, and pottery. It is important to note, that in doing so, not only is the object repaired, into whole form, but it is more beautiful than it was previously. It had to be broken first, in order to be made into a masterpiece. As for being a burden, that is how we become stronger. By bearing more weight, we better ourselves, and can lift more. Anna would always be a burden that I would happily bear.
That night, I was able to hold her, and comfort her, then give her a blessing from Heavenly Father that expressed his everlasting love for her. That He knew her, not in some general manner, as one of His children, but personally, by name; Annaliese Kretchman.
I can’t pinpoint the moment that I started liking her, but by this time I definitely liked her. I wanted to spend every minute of time that I could. I’ve even fallen asleep on her couch while she and her roommate were watching a Korean drama (maybe not the brightest thing I’ve ever done).
I wanted to ask her on date, and knew that I needed to confront my addiction head-on. I couldn’t date her and be relapsing daily. It was hard (oh boy, it was hard), but I went clean for 2 weeks, before asking her. I talked to her brother to see if it was kosher, and he revealed that Anna had already been wondering when I would ask her out. When I did, she looked a panicked, as she said yes. She told me, straight up, that she was, and would, feel very anxious, and I needed to prepare myself if I wanted to date her.
We had many more conversations about her anxiety, in the weeks leading up to the date. I was preparing for a total meltdown, or just having to give her some space. Whatever it was, I was gearing up for a wild ride.
And then the ride didn’t happen. We went to The Greatest Showman (I do not endorse going to a movie as your first date, but it worked for us), and I sort of knew what the movie was about, but it wasn’t until the songs started, that I realized that it would be deeply emotional for Anna.
First she rested her head on my shoulder, then she put her hand on my arm, so I put my hand on hers. Halfway through the movie, I felt like I should just hold her hand, but I wasn’t quite sure.
Confession time: I had never held a woman’s hand before. I hadn’t been in a serious relationship either. I was on my own for this one.
She reached for her bag to grab some tissues and I decided to Hail Mary it; *schwoop!* I held her hand…and she was ok with it. We held hands and cuddled for the rest of the movie.
Now, something you need to know about my family; we LOOOOOOOVE to critique movies. When the credits roll and we’re waiting for some of dem delicious post-credit scenes, we are actively talking about what we liked, how hot the main character is, which song was our favorite, and the list goes on.
As the credits start, Anna turned to me, and I was fully expecting a rundown of the movie. “Jonathan, I didn’t fell anxious at all!” Well, good-bye my heart.
I think that I knew then, that if I could help her feel that way; free, happy, and safe, that I would marry her.
We had originally planned to go hiking, but weather and health nipped that in the bud, but I had promised her that we would talk for the same amount of time we would have been in the car: 2+ hours.
We decided on the dunes, because there’s a scene in the movie, where PT Barnum talks to his future wife on a beach. No beaches in Rexburg, but we could at least get the sand. We walked for few hours, and got to know each other better.
Important to Anna was knowing why I cared for her. This was hard for me to answer for a couple reasons. 1) I am an introvert and I don’t talk if I don’t have to, 2) I am a very private person. Ask my mom. I hardly tell my family anything that is going on in my life, and 3) There is a sacrifice you make to earn the Eagle, Globe, and Anchor of the United States Marine Corps.
While they may not kill your heart, they certainly train you out of your inner most feelings. I had lost touch with my most tender emotions, and consequently have a hard time explaining them.
I knew that I cared about Anna, immensely, but at the time, I didn’t specifically know why.
Then, we were dating.
Like, dating dating.
Sure, there were still anxiety filled moments. Lots of crying on my shoulder, hugging, and comforting. There was also happiness. I had only known Anna since she had been abused. Sure, she could be happy, but there was always an undercurrent of sadness and worry.
I saw her transform into someone who had survived an abusive relationship, to someone who would take a chance on me, a sinner. She became free and radiant as our relationship deepened.
As the semester neared its end, we began to feel like we would probably get married, and if we did, it would be waaaaaay down the line. We had talked about the end of Winter, before realizing that we wouldn’t want to wait that long, so we started talking about the end of Fall semester, and having our first Christmas together, as husband and wife.
Then Revelation Sunday happened, and that all changed reaaaaaally quickly. Suddenly, with the confirmation of the Holy Ghost, we were getting married at the end of summer.
Originally, I thought I had to be back in Ohio, pronto, for military training, but through a gaff of my own, it turns out that I didn’t and I could stay a little longer. I thought it was such a blessing, to spend one more week with Anna, but it turns out it was because we needed to plan a wedding.
Oh, we sure thought it was going to be a relaxing week…not. We hardly slept and we napped hard.
Now, it’s time to talk about the proposal.
An interesting thing is that Anna still has the rings and dress from her previous engagement. She had picked them out, and designed them in the case of the rings, and they have personal meaning to her. Her ex just paid for them.
They were being stored at a friend’s house down in Utah, and we were heading down that weekend to go to a mutual friend’s wedding in Manti. We had discussed whether we wanted to use the same rings or get new ones. I had read a post from Anna about how she had chosen and designed the ring, and the symbolism that it had, and felt good about using it still. We decided to re-dedicate the ring, in prayer, to our marriage.
After picking up the dress and rings, we headed up towards Manti. We were just passing through Spanish Fork, going up into a beautiful mountain pass. It was pretty late at night, and the sky was clear. We were having a heart-to-heart, and things were getting heavy.
You see, I wasn’t planning on proposing for a few more days. Anna had wanted it to be a surprise, and for someone to be there to take pictures. Well, she got one of those.
So there we were! Beautiful country and a starlit night, having a deep conversation. We had just passed one of those scenic overlook pull-offs, and the Spirit told me to stop at the next one and propose. After all, stars are Anna’s favorite thing.
She had just asked “What are you thinking about right now?” right as I found a suitable place to pull over. We finished the conversation, then asked if we could get out and dedicate the ring. I saw a shooting star as I got out, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what my wish was. Anna will probably tell you more of the exact moment, but I will say that I watered her with my tears. After finishing the prayer, I turned to her and very simply asked her to be sealed to me, for time and all eternity.
It was perfect, and not even by my design. The last time she had asked someone “What are you thinking?” things went to hell in a handbasket, and abuse happened/was happening. This time, true love was there, and the Spirit to witness to us that we were doing the right thing.
And the rest? Well, that story is still being written.
Ps- We had the amazing opportunity to kick off the porn speech together in choir this semester. You can watch it here.
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