So this was actually going to be Part 5, not Part 4, but this weekend is significant and I felt like I needed to write this now.
You see today, December 9th, is the year mark of when my ex re-proposed to me. Which means that it is also the year mark of the first time that he hid a camera and recorded me in the bathroom. The idea that he betrayed me so deeply moments after asking me to marry him is still the biggest slap in the face for me out of everything that he did.
I remember the day that the detective called and asked me about some of the footage that they found. He said that there was one video that didn't match the rest and then described what the location looked like, what I was wearing, etc. When I realized what it was, it's like everything everything that had been threatening to crush me up until that point finally flattened me. I could tell him the exact date of that video because it had (previously) been a really special day.
Anyway, because of what happened a year ago today, I think that Saturday is the perfect time to talk about how terrifying love is.
Disclaimer: As always, I write this from the female perspective. But I do know that abuse goes both ways, so if you're a guy reading this, this is for you too.
Here's the thing. When you are deep inside of an abusive relationship, you realize that you're being treated differently than you were before, but you often don't realize that you're being abused. I've talked about this pretty in depth previously, so I'm going to leave it at that.
But the problem is, even though you may realize that things have changed and that you're not as happy as you were before (and that you're actually quite miserable much of the time), you still love your person. You have invested so much of yourself into that person that you honestly can't imagine life without them, even if it would probably be better in the end.
When I was in the middle of all of the abuse last September/October, I really did start to realize that things were drastically different.
I have a folder on my computer labeled "[ex's name]" where I kept letters that I had written to him both while we were doing long distance and since he'd gotten back.
One day during the period of abuse, I re-read one of my letters to him. It listed all of the reasons that I loved him. As I read it over, I realized that almost every single point on that list was no longer true. Not that I no longer appreciated those things, but that those things no longer applied to him.
Needless to say, that bothered me a lot. But did I leave him? No. Because even though I was fully aware that he had changed drastically, I was in too deep at that point to just leave.
There definitely were moments when I realized that I would probably be better off without my ex. But did I do anything about it? No.
I didn't for a few reasons:
1- No matter what he did to me, I still loved him. It wasn't something that I could just turn off.
2- I didn't know how to live my life without him in it anymore. So I couldn't just leave him, even if he did make my life worse. I was more afraid of losing what was familiar to me than I was of being hurt.
3- I was so down on myself by then, I felt like this was my only chance. I wasn't even good enough for my ex, but he stayed with me for some reason. So if I wasn't even good enough for him, there was no way that I would ever find someone else to take me.
4- We're always taught that any relationship can work out if you put in the effort. You don't just give up on love. This applies more to married couples (and I'll touch on that later, so stay with me), but my ex and I were almost married, so I felt like it was the same for me.
Okay, so another reason that I wanted to write this post now instead of my original Part 4 is because of the Christmas Devotional this past Sunday. Sister Cristina B. Franco shared a quote by John A. Widstoe that I knew needed to be part of this post.
“The full and essential nature of love we may not understand, but there are tests by which it may be recognized.
“Love is always founded in truth. … Lies and deceit, or any other violation of the moral law, are proofs of love’s absence. Love perishes in the midst of untruth. … Thus, … [he] who falsifies to his loved one, or offers her any act contrary to truth, does not really love her.
“Further, love does not offend or hurt or injure the loved one. … Cruelty is as absent from love … as truth is from untruth. …
“Love is a positive active force. It helps the loved one. If there is need, love tries to supply it. If there is weakness, love supplants it with strength. … Love that does not help is a faked or transient love.
“Good as these tests are, there is a greater one. True love sacrifices for the loved one. … That is the final test. Christ gave of Himself, gave His life, for us, and thereby proclaimed the reality of his love for his mortal brethren and sisters.”
I listened to those words and just thought to myself, THESE are completely valid reasons for leaving someone. Read that quote again. If you think about your significant other in these terms, does it show that they actually love you?
I agree that you should never just give up on a deep relationship. Every relationship will have it's problems at some point. You're putting two completely different people together, obviously there are going to be things that you feel differently about. But most things can be worked through. As long as both people are working on it. It can't just be a one-sided effort. It HAS to be both.
But if you are with someone who hurts more than helps and hates more than loves, GET OUT.
I'm going to talk to two different groups of people here. First are those of you who are NOT married, but are in some sort of relationship that tears you down more than lifts you up.
I need you to know that that is not okay. I need you to know that this isn’t your only chance for love. It really, truly isn’t. If we're being honest, it really isn't even A chance for love at all at this point because if a person hurts you more than he heals you, then he doesn't truly love you.
For those who ARE married, this is where things get touchy.
Let me preface this by saying that I am not advocating giving up on your marriage. I do believe that divorce should be a last resort.
With that being said. I'm going to tell you the same thing that I just told those who aren't married. If your spouse hurts you over and over again and isn't putting in the effort to overcome their abusive tendencies, then GET OUT.
I need you to understand that Heavenly Father wants SO much better for you. He doesn’t want you to be with someone who doesn’t see your value. It’s honestly better to be alone than to be with someone who pulls you down. You can’t fully allow Heavenly Father to lift you up if you are simultaneously allowing someone to constantly yank you down.
The Plan of Salvation is centered on the family. But if your spouse makes it more difficult for you to be the best you, dampens the joy in both you and your children's lives, and does not treat you as an equal partner, then they're not helping you and your family to achieve exaltation. Heavenly Father wants you and your family to return to Him and receive all that He has. So why would He require you to stay with someone who inhibits the progress of you and your children?
Furthermore, is your spouse the kind of person that you want your kids to model their lives and behaviors after? Do you want you sons to treat women the way that your spouse treats you? Do you want your daughters to think that that's all that they can and should expect from men? Children are influenced the most by what happens in the home. Do they have a safe, loving environment to learn in?
Let me say right here that I really do believe that any issue absolutely can be overcome. But again, it needs to be a team effort. I tried to fix everything all on my own. Granted, I did give my ex plenty of opportunities to work WITH me, but he didn't take them. And so everything seemed to rest on my shoulders.
That is NOT how relationships should work. We are to be a help meet to each other. Heavenly Father never meant for one person to do it all. He created both Adam and Eve for a good reason. They each needed the other to accomplish God's will and to find joy.
So yes, do all that you can to work things out. It absolutely is possible. But realize that there comes a point where you need to take a step back and recognize where the effort is coming from and where it is not. If both of you are making a concentrated effort, wonderful! Keep at it! If not, it's time to take a good long look at that.
If you see that the other person is trying harder than you, then it's time to check yourself and do better. But if you realize that you are working hard and they are not, and that they haven't been despite telling repeatedly telling you that they'll do better, then it might be time to let go.
I understand that divorce is scary. Especially if you have kids, and especially in the church. And I acknowledge that I have not been through a divorce. Thankfully, everything came to light before I was actually married. But I've said it before and I'll say it again; it is better to be without a significant other than to be with someone who is significantly horrible to you.
To both parties:
You may feel like this is it for you. If you're not with _____, then you're going to be alone. Permanently. You feel like this because he's made you feel crappy about yourself. You may even feel like this because you felt like you would never find someone even before you found _____. But I think that we mostly feel like this because we feel terribly broken.
We think "Why in the world would anyone want to be with me now? Why would someone want to be with the mess that I've become?" We often feel weak, and helpless, and irreparable. But let me tell you something; someone will love you for who you are, AS you are.
Because you are still amazing. And I hate to even use the word "still", because that makes it sound like either you’re less amazing than before or that it should be expected that you wouldn't BE as amazing after what you’ve been through. I hate the word “still” because you aren’t “still amazing.”
No. Not still.
You are even MORE amazing than ever before. You have proven yourself to be SO strong. And someone will recognize that in you. Others won't, and you know what? That honestly is their loss. But you can't worry about those guys because there are always going to be those guys, no matter what. With any relationship, you're going to go through "those guys" before you find the right guy.
And there really are other guys (GOOD GUYS) out there, just waiting to find an amazing girl like you. And you might not find them tomorrow. Or even this year. And I hate to say it, but you might not even find them in this life. But I promise you that there is an amazing guy out there for you. And if you don't find them as soon as you hope, I promise you again that being single is always going to be better than being in an abusive relationship.
Let me say it again. Heavenly Father does not want you to be with someone who pulls you down! That’s not what His plan is all about and He loves you so much more than that!
Concerning the terror of leaving, I wanted to share a quote that has always stuck with me. It's actually from Taylor Swift's album called Fearless. In the front cover, she says:
To me, Fearless is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears, Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love again, even though you've been hurt before... Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's Fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even though you can't breathe without them... And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing, I think it's Fearless to stop believing them. It's Fearless to say "you're NOT sorry"... I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is Fearless. Letting go is Fearless. Then, moving on and being alright... That's Fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That's why I write these songs. Because I think love is Fearless.
I can't really say it better than that.
This is scary. More than that, this is paralyzingly terrifying. Finding love in the first place was so hard, how can you just let it go?
But this is not the end for you. You need to believe that.
You need to trust that Heavenly Father not only wants better for you, but also that He has something much better in store for you. But you have to leave the bad behind in order to embrace the good.
And you need to trust in love again. And that is SO hard. Because last time you did that, it didn't end so well. But you have to.
Last time (and the only time) I fell in love, it was wonderful at the beginning. I had absolutely never been happier than I was when my ex-fiance and I fell in love. It was the most amazing feeling!
But in the end, that relationship has also brought me greater fear, pain, and despair than I have ever experienced before.
So how can I trust love again when the first time ended so horribly? How can I know that a guy that seems wonderful actually IS wonderful? How can I know that he will STAY wonderful?
And the thing is, I can't. Not really. I can be observant and pray lots, but in the end, there's still going to have to be some sort of leap of faith into the unknown. And that is frankly horrifying to think about. While I trust that Heavenly Father will help me to see clearly, there is still going to be some measure of fear that I'll need to push down and replace with faith. Because I know that it will all be worth it someday. And all of this pain that I am experiencing will only help me to appreciate the right person all the more.
It's like when I started dating my recent ex. Even though we're not together anymore, I still am so grateful that he showed me that guys actually can be good to me. And I appreciated him SO much for it because I knew what it felt like to NOT be treated well. Dating him gave me a glimpse of what a future love can and will be like for me someday. And I tell you what, even though I'm still terrified of dating, I am also beyond excited to be with a great man someday. And I will love him fiercely because he will be priceless to me.
Last quote, I promise. It's from the song It's the End of the Road by Matt Goss.
When something ends something begins, but now it's just the end of the road,
When someone loses someone wins, but now it's just the end of the road, don't get to fix it if it doesn't break,
But now it's just the end of the road, when you gotta leave it makes you wanna stay, I know it's the end of the road
Endings are scary. Leaving is scary. Standing up to someone you love who hurts you is scary. And yes, you're going to hurt for a while and that sucks. Let yourself feel it. Don't ignore it. Give yourself some time to be sad and to feel the pain. But then get up, dust yourself off, and move on. The end of your abusive relationship is the beginning of a journey to healing and, someday, love that is real.
I want to make some pretty bold promises to you right now (especially since I haven't found the "love of my life" or whatever yet, but I feel like I can promise you these things all the same).
1- I promise that you absolutely can be just as happy as- and even happier than -you were when you first fell in love. It doesn't feel like it, but it's true. I was (pleasantly) shocked by how ridiculously happy I was when I started dating my (recent) ex. I honestly didn't think that I was capable of feeling so happy anymore. I'm so grateful to know for sure that I can still feel SO much joy.
2- I promise that there really are guys out there who will love you the right way. They will cherish you and see all of the beauty that is within you that you have trouble seeing (I also promise that there is an awful lot of beauty for them to see!). And they will love you so much and treat you so well that you'll start to both believe them and believe IN them. You'll stop seeing them as another person to hurt you. You can trust again.
3- I promise that even if you DON'T find someone else, you absolutely will be happier in the long run if you get out of your abusive situation. I won't promise that it will be easy because it won't be. It will be hard. It will be painful. But it will absolutely be worth it!
4- And finally, I promise that there is always, always, always at least one person who will always love you right. Heavenly Father sees every ounce of strength and goodness that you possess. He will always listen to you and always have your best interest at heart. He will never belittle you, but rather He will magnify you. He will never hurt you, but will absolutely help you to heal. He loves you more than anything. Everything that He has done and everything that He will do is for you. So if nothing else, take comfort in knowing that.
Okay, one more.
I promise that this really isn't the end of love for you. It is simply a new beginning.
(To be continued...)
PS- There were so many pictures that I considered for this post, so I'm just going to post them down here :)
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