Holidays are Hard

*When I talk about my ex, having someone missing etc., I am referring to my ex fiance, not my more recent ex boyfriend. In my blog in general I am almost always referring to my ex fiance unless I specify otherwise.*

So I meant to have this post together before Christmas, but that clearly didn't happen. But I think that it's better this way because now I can give insights from both before and after.

You see, holidays are wonderful, but they can also be really, really hard. Especially if you've lost someone. For many, there's a hole in your heart and an empty seat at the hearth where that person used to be. You remember many a holiday with them in it, and facing it without them is unbearable.

For me, I never had a big holiday with my ex except for Halloween (which is actually the only holiday that I've EVER been in a relationship for and have been in one for the last three Halloweens. Strange, no?). But since I was going to get married, I thought that I would never have to spend another holiday without a person ever again.

You see, my family lives all over the United States, and my parents are back over in Pennsylvania, so... not close. People ask me how long of a drive it is and I always say "about two days if you don't sleep at all. Which we have done."

The point is, I don't get to go home and spend holidays with my family very often. Usually, Christmas is the one time in the entire year that I see my family. Other than that, I'm in Idaho. And because of that, the thought of having a husband to spend holidays with was wonderful! Because then even if we couldn't afford to be with family, we still would be with family because we would have each other.

But I didn't get married. And then we couldn't afford for me to go home for Christmas this year. And so I got a bit of a double whammy. Not only was I not going to be with my family, but I also didn't have my own little two-person family anymore either.

I have felt "homeless" in a sense an awful lot in my life. Not that I haven't had a roof over my head, place to sleep, etc. but more of the "home is where the heart is" sense where I haven't been with family or felt like I was in a place that I really belonged. It's the idea of having a go-to place to go for any particular holiday. The place where you automatically plan on going. Oftentimes, that is your family's house. Or the house of your spouse's family. But I haven't had that. I scrounge for a place to go for holidays.

So in that sense, I have been "homeless" for every single holiday this year.

And honestly, that has been really, really hard.

It's crazy how one person leaving you (whether from death, a break up, or whatever else) creates a complete paradigm shift in your life. Nothing is how you thought it would be. For me, I feel extra "homeless" this year because I thought that I would finally have my own little family to share the holidays with. And not only that, but if we ever couldn't go see my family in PA, we could spend Christmas with his family that lived nearby. If nothing else, I was at least supposed to at least have my husband for the holidays for the rest of my life. And if I had my husband, we would be "home" for the holidays no matter where we were.

So even though I've never had a person for a really major holiday, I can still very much feel a void where he was supposed to be. I still feel a heavy sense of loss. All of the "it could have beens" and "it should have beens" cut like a knife. And then the memories of all that happened around this time of year cuts even deeper. Because it was in Oct 2016-Jan 2017 that everything started to fall apart. The abuse, the break-up, the months of turmoil, the re-engagement, the arrest, and anything else that I'm not thinking of that falls in there as well.

So all of that has mixed with lots of other emotions that have been swirling around inside of me as of late. I summed it up pretty well as I was texting my friend the day that I left Idaho for Christmas break:

I'm just really done with this week. I've been getting increasingly stressed over the last couple of weeks and it's all kind of come to a head over the last few days. I've sobbed two and a half times today. So that's fun

That sounds rough :/ What are you stressed about?

I've been trying to figure that out, haha

But I think that I pinned a lot of it down today

First of all, I think that the time of year is getting to me. It was Oct-Jan last year that everything in my life started going to pot.

Also the holiday season is hard because I wasn't supposed to be homeless for another holiday because I was going to be married. And finances and finding a job is stressing me out a ton still.

I don't know

It's just the whole "I do better for a while and then all of a sudden am a ball of anxiety again" thing

Also the end of the semester I think it's just hard in general because change is hard for me right now.

And I feel dumb for even being so stressed when I didn't even have finals or anything to worry about.

And so I'm spiraling which I REALLY try to avoid doing because it just makes me more stressed

And I just now remembered [ex's] birthday is in a few days.

Crap. His birthday is the day that I'm going to see Star Wars. Which is his favorite thing. And the last Star Wars movie I saw in the theater was with him. For his birthday.

So now that I've realized that, Tuesday's going to be even harder than it was already likely to be.

I'm sorry :/

It's... Not fine. But I'll live

I'm going to stop there for the moment.

So yeah, in the last couple of months, it's kind of felt like everything has been combining against me. Which means that going into the holidays, I've had an awful lot on my mind. Not only have I been dealing with the pains of what happened last year at this time, but then there have also been the end-of-semester concerns. The biggest one being the intense worry about finances, which then adds to the holiday season stress because I have been feeling bad that I couldn't really get anyone presents since I'm not even sure how exactly I'll be paying for rent, food, and, you know, life next semester.

And so Christmas has basically been overshadowed by an awful lot of stress and anxiety.

But here's something that I've learned over the past few years where I have often not had a "go-to" place to go for the holidays; I can find family wherever I go.

I've spent the last three Thanksgivings with three different families in three different states. I spent this past Easter with a former roommate that I wasn't super close to, but who is now one of my best friends. And then there's Christmas.

I do have one brother that lives in Utah (but is coming up to BYUI next month! Woot!), so I've spent some time with him. We celebrated the Eve of Christmas Eve together (we have a family tradition that day that is one of my absolute favorites). I ended up bawling that night as I prayed before I went to sleep, but I still got to do the tradition and I got to do it with an actual family member, which is really nice.

Christmas Eve, my brother and I had Christmas dinner with the family of some of our friends. They had us participate in the Nativity with the other kids. He was the ever-coveted donkey (not even joking, everyone wanted to be the donkey), and I was cast as Mary (which means that I got to sit on my brother, so that was great ;) ). We were going to leave when they started opening family presents, but then they told us that they actually had presents for us too.

While it was hard not to feel really out of place, it was still amazing to see how much they really tried to make us a part of their family for the night.

Then Christmas. I've been staying with the same friend that I had Easter with and have been a part of three different family events. And then my brother and I went to her family's house after Christmas Eve dinner and stayed the night there. The next morning, there was a small pile of presents from us. My brother had a handful of presents from family members and I had some from one of my other brothers. But we also each had a couple from my friend's parents. The mom's family came in the evening, and they had some little things for us too.

I can't help but be amazed by all of the people that have "adopted" me into their families over the years. Who have let me participate in their family's traditions, let me do a few of my own, and have done all that they can to help me to not feel like an outsider, but rather a part of the family.

So yeah, this has still been a pretty rough few weeks. And I have absolutely cried. And I'm sure I'll cry some more. And I'm still going to stress and worry. And I've honestly been straight up exhausted every single day because depression, so have spent a lot of time sleeping. But I have really tried hard not to let Satan win over me this Christmas. I've done my best to embrace being part of this family, even if only for a few weeks. And while I have cried, I have also laughed a lot. I've had a lot of fun! And I have felt a lot of love and appreciation for these people.

And I've also remembered something. 

Christ was essentially "homeless" on the day of his birth. His birth wasn't celebrated with lots of family. Cousin Elizabeth wasn't there and grandparents weren't there either. He didn't even have an actual house to be taken to when he was born. Instead, He was born in a stable (and then went on to another city for the census I would assume before ever making it home to Nazareth).

And sure He had his parents there with him that day, but other than that, His birth was celebrated with a handful of strangers, some sheep, a worn old donkey, and perhaps some cows, chickens, and horses. And not only that, but He practically had a bounty on His head from the moment He was born. 

And yet that day of Nativity is still celebrated today. Not for the grandeur of the day, but for the simplicity. For it mattered not that there was no house, no crib, and hardly any family. All that mattered was that a little baby was born that day that would grow up to become the Savior of us all. A Savior who would go on to feel every bit of the holiday blues that go around. 

And the thing is, if we let Him into our hearts- in this time and at all times -we never will truly be without for the holidays. Because Christ has felt all of the pain that this time may bring, He knows how to help you get through it. And He sends angels to take you under their wing and help you to feel like you're still a part of something. 

To close, I wanted to share some of what my friend replied to me after my long, long list of concerns (what you read is the abbreviated version):

It's okay to have rough moments or moments when you feel like you are spiraling. It matters more what you do after you get through those moments. Remember to celebrate the little successes, Anna :) ESPECIALLY when it's hard to do so!! Don't worry about telling me about all of this. A true friend listens and helps, right? :)

Here's some other things to remember. You have friends who love you and are understanding towards your trials. These true friends don't think you are being flaky or ditching them. They understand because they care about you. Genuinely :)

You also know that this time of year will be harder. Since you know this going into the season, give yourself some slack. Will you be at your best? Probably not. But, you already have enough stuff that is difficult and stressful. Be your own cheerleader, not your own critic. You needn't be harder on yourself and add unnecessarily to your load. Be kind to yourself and have faith in others' genuine kindness towards you ESPECIALLY in this season. You are loved dear Anna, by me and many others :)

There may be dark days ahead, but there are sources of light that can help you through it, especially on the days the sun is hidden. Your flame may not always feel bright but consistency is the most important. And trust me when I say that one thing you are is consistent and determined. We all have a light flicker from time to time. It's important to not let it go out, even if it's just a spark at times :)

Man oh man reading those texts made me cry.

But he's absolutely right.

Holidays are hard, but we know that going into them. So it really is okay to cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to take a moment every so often to feel sad. But then it is also more than okay to take a deep breath, give a good "not today Satan," and look around you to see all of the good that is there. Acknowledge the pain, but don't let it overcome you and ruin a perfectly good holiday. And remember that whatever your circumstances, no matter who or what is missing from your holiday, you are never, ever alone. And remember that there are an awful lot of people who care about you, and that Christ loves you most of all.

Merry Yesterday was Christmas everyone! I hope that it was great for you, but if it wasn't, remember that you are not the first to have a Christmas riddled with sadness and worry. Christ has been there. And He has been to the very Christmas that you had yesterday and feels for you. 

Holidays can be hard, but never harder than Christ can help you overcome.

PS- There are a couple of Christmas-related Facebook posts that I wanted to share with this blog post and I'm not totally sure if I can just share a link to the posts and have you find them, so I'm just going to share them here:

This is a status that I posted earlier this year:

Tonight I was studying about the birth of Christ and the events leading up to it and Luke 1:30 got me thinking.

It says "And the angel said unto her, Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God."

Soak that in for a minute. "thou hast found favor with God."

So that means that her life is going to be a cake-walk from here on out, right? Heavenly Father loves her, so her life is going to be easy-peasy and all trials will magically melt away. Right?

Nope. There's a trend that you might notice in the scriptures where those who are God's "Chosen people" or favored of Him tend to face a lot of challenges.

Sticking with the example of Mary, let's look at her life a bit. She almost lost her fiance because she was all of a sudden pregnant. She had to ride for miles on a donkey while hugely pregnant and then give birth to her precious son in a nasty stable.

Think of it: Nowadays people are nervous to have babies in pristine hospital rooms where everything has been sterilized and they are surrounded by people who have been trained and certified to help deliver babies.

And then there's Mary, who is likely laying on the ground with only straw between her and dirt (not to mention a high likelihood of excrement). Her "midwife" is her husband Joseph who likely knows very little about delivering babies. And she doesn't even have a nice clean place to lay her newborn baby. The best she's got is a trough with the cleanest hay that they could find and only a simple blanket in-between her brand new baby and horse saliva.

I can't imagine that that was quite the ideal for childbirth, even way back when.

And then Mary and her small family had to run to Egypt so that her little baby boy wouldn't be murdered.

But she was highly favored of the Lord. She was told not to be afraid. Because being highly favored doesn't mean that you are all of a sudden privileged with a stress-free life. But what it DOES mean is that we don't have to be afraid. We have shown our faith in God and found favor with Him, so He is going to take care of us. There will be trials- heartache and hardship and flat out agony -but there will also be enormous blessings.

What is the likelihood that a baby born under conditions such as Christ's would live? How many men in that time would listen when told (even by an angel) that their fiance was pregnant, but to marry her anyway? And then that same man would be visited again by and angel to be warned that his son's life is in danger?

With every single trial there were inexplicable blessings. Time and time again Mary was faced with blockades, and time and time again the Lord helped her climb over them.

So if you are in a time of great trial, do not feel that God has abandoned you. Know that He is putting His trust in you. He sees your strength and the capacity that you have to overcome. He loves you and is with you always. Fear not, the Lord has found favor with you and will help you. You are bound for greatness.

You are joining the ranks of incredible men and women such as Mary and Joseph, Nephi, Alma, Paul, and Daniel. You are in good company.

#sharegoodness #youarestrongerthanyouthink

And this is a status that Al Fox Carraway posted just a few days ago:

HEAR ME OUT: Mary is now in the last few days of her pregnancy, (sympathsizing cuz those are the hardest days!) I’m sure you’ve thought of the discomfort she was in, or of all the opportunities that came up that didn’t work out for her—was it because Mary was being punished? Did she do something wrong? No, not at all! 

*BUT- have you ever thought that Christ could have been born at ANY MOMENT during their travels- but He wasn’t-not until they were where GOD wanted them to be.

It may not have seemed ideal to Mary or Joseph, it may not have been what they had in mind. But surely, the birth of Christ was profoundly perfect in every way. It was the best way, rather than a good, or a better. B/c it was according to God’s plan. Would the Shepard’s have found them if they were somewhere else? Would everything else fall into place if things were different? Idk...

What I’m saying is, wait for your “manger.” Wait for your something ‘best,’ rather than settling for something ‘good.’ Wait for your something “perfect” according to HIM. I know it can be hard & full of discomfort, just like Mary, but when you see opportunities pass, keep going w/ faith knowing there IS something else to come. That you are not being punished. That maybe some things are pending until you’re where He wants you to be. That maybe it’s not what you desired or in your time frame, but when it comes- it will not just bless you, but profoundly help & bless others b/c of it. Because you waited. Because you trusted Him. Because you know that ‘He will not fail thee!’ (Deut. 31: 6)