So I sat down to write Part 2 and immediately felt kind of stuck. Which is weird because I feel like I'm supposed to start writing it right now. So I said a prayer and then started writing. As I wrote, I realized that Heavenly Father needed Part 2 to be something that I hadn't outlined for this series. Something that is extremely difficult for me to think/write about. I couldn't help but think "Do I really have to Heavenly Father? How do I even put this into words? How do I explain the breakdown of my very being?" But I really feel that I need to write this post, no matter how hard it is.
So now the old Part 2 is the new Part 3. I'm already on the verge of tears and am just getting started, but here we go.
So Parts 2 and 3 are SO important because I think that this is what really gets us down a lot of the time.
Guilt.
We feel guilty for SO many reasons.
Why did I stay for so long? Why couldn't I make things better? Why wasn't I good enough? Why is it so hard to stop loving him? Why did I allow him to hurt me? Why am I so weak? Why can't I just bounce back now that he's not hurting me anymore? Why is it taking so long to recover? Why can't I do what I used to be able to?
Why? Why? Why?!
What I'm going to focus on in this post is in regards to the first half of the "why's" while the next post will focus on the latter.
Let me start right off the bat with this:
This is not your fault.
To those who don't know, this may seem fairly obvious. But for those who know, this post will probably hit you as hard when you read it as it is hitting me as I write it.
What happened with your significant other is not your fault. Whether it was abuse or being cheated on (or likely both), it was not- and is not -your fault.
Nothing that you did (or didn't do) made it so that you deserved to be abused. NOTHING. He didn't abuse you because you weren't good enough. He didn't abuse you because you did something wrong.
Even if you had done something wrong, nothing justifies abuse. If you did something wrong, then he should have either worked it out with you or broken up with you. Those are the only two acceptable options.
Notice that abusing you isn't one of them!
I don't know why we do this to ourselves, but we are so easily able to convince ourselves that if something is wrong, it must be us.
It's the old adage, "It's not you, it's me."
He's not happy? It's because I'm not making him happy. He doesn't seem to be being satisfied physically? It's because I'm not pretty enough, capable enough, sexy enough. He seems dissatisfied with me? How I do things? How I don't do other things? He's right. I'm wrong. I'm not good enough but for some reason he's decided to grace me with his presence a little bit longer.
If he does leave, it's my fault. It's my fault for not being enough. It doesn't matter that I am doing the absolute best that I can. It doesn't matter that I give 100% to this relationship. It doesn't matter that I have essentially sold my soul to him. My life, my love, my being; they're all his. But it's still not enough. Because I am not enough.
Holy Hannah people! STOP.
I'm in a place now where I know in my head that none of this has been my fault. But in the moment, I absolutely felt that I was to blame. I essentially felt like I deserved to be abused. Especially because I didn't realize that abuse is what was happening.
Even now that I know that I was being abused- and not only that, but that there is absolutely no justification for how I was treated -it is still hard not to feel that way at times. It's still hard for me to slough off the layers of anxiety, self-worthlessness, and submission.
I've kind of skirted around this in past posts, but a huge issue between me and my ex was physicality.
Dating and physicality were still fairly new territory for me when my ex and I started dating and got engaged. Because of this, I was still kind of learning what I felt like was and was not okay. I had read For the Strength of Youth and had a vague idea of what was kosher and what wasn't, but there is room for interpretation. What is passionate kissing exactly? As far as I could tell, kissing by itself was okay, but passionate kissing was not. So what qualified as passionate? I didn't really know. I wanted to do what was right, but wasn't really sure what was and wasn't exactly.
Over time, as my ex and I would kiss and such, I started to develop an idea of what I felt was and was not okay to do. But when I brought those ideas up with my ex, he thought that I was being irrational. He felt that I was being way too strict. And he did not like that. By this time, we were already engaged.
This became the first thing that we really severely disagreed on. Our conversations about it left me confused and frustrated. I wanted to satisfy his physical needs (because it seemed so important to him), but I wanted to do what was right even more.
And so we would discuss it over and over and over again. And every time, I could tell that my ex was really upset by my viewpoint. He would take it very personally that I was not okay with doing certain things. And as the discussion would roll around again, he would have more "reasons" why doing what he wanted to do was totally okay. He would throw more and more "reasons" at me every time and I would try to dispute them every time. But I gradually weakened. I started to (not really) believe his excuses for doing one thing or another and the boundaries that I had drawn so tightly around myself kept getting loosened more and more.
Besides discussions about boundaries and what it meant to keep the law of chastity, there was also the practical application that was an issue. I would set boundaries. He would begrudgingly agree to them. And then he would cross them. And I would re-set boundaries. And he would re-agree. And he would re-cross them. Over and over again. And I was always the one stopping things. I was always the one that wanted to re-establish the boundaries that had been broken (yet again).
And over time it kind of became this mind game for me as I tried to solve the paradox of both keeping the law of chastity and keeping my fiance.
He made me feel so stupid for feeling the way that I did. He made it seem like I was being completely irrational. And I started to believe him. Sort of. Because we would do things and I would feel completely awful both during and after. I wasn't enjoying any of it. Physically? Sure it felt good. But it wasn't enough to cover the discomfort and guilt that I felt. But again, he would make me feel like I was overreacting. I didn't feel bad because what we were doing was wrong, I felt bad because I was dumb. Not that he ever called me stupid. He didn't have to use so many words for me to know that that's how he felt.
Generally, the only time that I could stop him without him getting too upset would be if my body got too excited. I felt much more justified in pushing him away when it seemed so clear that things were going too far. It got to the point where I would even try to speed up the process of my body feeling that way so that I could push him away sooner without him getting upset at me for pushing him away. Definitely not the best way to go about doing things, but in the moment, I didn't know what else to do.
Other times I would just lay there pretty much lifeless while he did whatever it was at the moment. I would try to just not feel anything at all. Just wait it out until he loses stamina. He didn't like that though. It wasn't enough that he got to do what he wanted, I had to be enjoying it too. But I never did.
As things with physicality got worse and worse, my self-esteem plummeted. Physicality was the only thing that seemed to make him happy anymore. I, myself, didn't make him happy anymore. No longer did he seem to feel like I was the best person ever. No longer did spending with me, talking to me, being with me bring him joy. Only physicality did that. But even that wasn't good enough because I fought what he wanted. I broke over and over again, but I still fought in whatever way I could. So even if he got what he wanted, he knew that I hated it, that I was riddled with guilt and shame, and so it wasn't enough. I became a body to him rather than a person.
And some part of him knew that what he wanted, what he kept pressuring to do or submit to, was wrong. So then when he did manage to push me to do something, it was MY fault for not being strong enough to resist his desires. And then there was this back and forth of it being my fault that he wasn't happy because I wouldn't do what he wanted, and it being my fault if I did make him happy because I should have been strong enough to not break under his pressure.
I can honestly tell you that this was hell for me. Despite feeling inadequate and guilty constantly, I loved my ex deeply. All I wanted was to make the man that I loved happy. But whether I made him happy in any given moment or not, there was still something to feel awful about. I either felt awful for not making him happy or for making him happy in a way that felt so terribly wrong to me.
I'm not going to tell you all that we did and did not do. Suffice it to say that we didn't have sex in any of its forms. But you don't have to have full-on sex to break the law of chastity (or- more accurately -to break yourself against the law of chastity). My tightly drawn boundaries had been stretched and strained and eventually became limp and worn.
And the thought that this agony was his doing didn't really cross my mind. It was my fault. It was my fault for not being good enough to make him happy without blurring lines. It was my fault for not being strong enough not to blur those lines in order to bring him satisfaction.
Oh how I hate the word satisfied. Never again do I want to "satisfy" someone. I want someone to love me, really love me, for me. Being satisfied isn't feeling love for the person. It's feeling love for what you get from them. For him, being satisfied was loving my body WAY more than he ever loved me.
The reason that I'm sharing the darkest time of my life with you is because- even though our situations are different -I want you to see that I know the power that an abuser can have over your mind and your heart. I understand the twisted "logic" that is thrown at you and that you are conditioned to believe.
It's hard for me believe that it is not my fault that the abuse got as bad as it did. I claim full responsibility for my own sins and I have taken the steps that were necessary for me to repent of them. But I was being manipulated and abused. And while the sins are the same, that really does make a world of difference. Because I did fight. I fought every single day. But my mind and my heart were warped by abuse. The person that I really was was swallowed up by the person that he wanted me to be.
The real Anna became smaller and smaller and smaller over time. She was cowering in the face of dissatisfaction. Not only concerning physicality though. Oh no, every aspect of my life was subject to disappointment from my ex. Every little weakness in me was exploited; brought to light and magnified. He didn't love me "flaws and all." Rather he tolerated me and what he decided that my flaws were.
Oftentimes those "flaws" were things that I had seen as strengths in myself. And so the real me was eaten away, bit by bit. And nothing about me was satisfactory. It all had to go. I needed to be better. I didn't know how to do that, but it sure didn't stop me from trying! My ex slowly but surely stripped away everything good about me. He could somehow seem sweet and loving while gently leading me into my own personal hell. He still often had the mask of the man that I fell in love with on, and he used it to break me down piece by piece until I was reduced to almost nothing.
Why didn't I stop and think "If he really loved me, he wouldn't make me feel like the most insignificant piece of his life that he merely tolerates being in his presence"?
I wish that I had known then what I know now. His unhappiness was not my fault. It was his fault and it was Satan's fault.
He hurt me because I didn't measure up to insurmountable expectations and desires. Not because I actually was inferior or somehow deserved his derision, but because he wanted me to fill unrealistic and thoroughly unreasonable demands.
So despite my own decisions throughout the months of abuse, I still need to remember that none of this is "my fault." It's not because I never, ever would have done the things that I did of my own volition. It's not that I made a conscious decision each day to be abused. I never looked at my ex and told him "You're not hurting me enough, please up your game."
No, I did not consciously condone what he was doing to me. I did in my actions, but never because it was what I wanted to do. It wasn't a concrete, conscious decision, and that is why I cannot be blamed for his actions. Do I still feel like much of what happened was my fault? Of course. But is it really? No.
Please know that you are never not good enough for someone. Whether a relationship ends on a good note (well, as good of a note as a relationship can end on) or a relationship ends (or continues for far too long) on a bad note, I assure you that it's not because you were (or are) somehow insufficient.
Some people just aren't meant to be. Not because there is anything wrong with either of them, but because it simply isn't right.
Other people will never find a satisfactory partner because their perception of love is twisted beyond recognition. Those are the people who either seek to make you feel inadequate so that they can train you to bow to their every desire, or who hop from person to person because they will never be contented.
Whatever the case. It is not your fault.
You did not deserve to be abused. Not for a single moment.
And it is not your fault that you were abused. It's not your fault for not realizing that you were being abused. It's also not your fault if the abuse continued even after you did realize that something was wrong.
It is not because you were not strong enough to fight it off. It is not because you weren't good enough. It is not because of you at all.
Their choices were theirs. They chose to hurt you. They chose to continually hurt you.
Looking back and thinking "If only I had been better. If only I had recognized that there was something off before things got bad. If only I had left sooner." is not productive. Wondering what would have happened if you had made more of an effort to get your SO to get help is fruitless.
My ex actually did seek professional help. He went to counseling, doctors, and our bishop at the time. He seemed to improve immensely. I say "seemed" because I know now that something was still severely off with him. If it hadn't been, then he wouldn't have hidden cameras, satisfying his desires through a lens rather than through pressuring me.
I have wondered so many times if my ex wouldn't have committed a felony if only I had recognized that he wasn't actually getting better. I have felt the weight of his decisions on my shoulders. And that isn't fair to me. I never would have imagined that my ex would commit a felony against me. Even after all of the abuse, I would never have believed it possible of him. Especially when things did seem to get so much better.
No matter how I spin it in my mind, it is not my fault. Because his decisions are his own. Should I have recognized signs? Maybe. But does that mean that I am responsible for his felony? Does it mean that I am responsible for his previous abuse? NO.
And the same goes for you.
What happened happened and there is nothing that you can do about it now. And whether or not someone becomes abusive over time is not your responsibility. It is theirs.
Please, please, please remember that.
You were not overreacting. You were not insufficient. You were not to blame then- and still are not to blame -for their hurtful decisions. Only they can be held responsible for putting themselves far above you. That was never how love was supposed to work, and it still is not.
You absolutely are enough. You really, truly are.
It is NOT you. It is him.
(To be continued...)
PS- I really hope that all of that made sense. I literally had to take a couple of days before editing this post because it was so emotionally draining for me to write. I still feel like I haven't properly conveyed what the abuse mindset is really like. The love mixed with guilt and fear. The feelings of inadequacy. The way someone can seem so sweet most of the time and yet still make you feel like the scum of the earth. And the way that that makes you feel like you deserve it all because you come to believe them. The complete illogical line of thinking, feeling, and reasoning that becomes the norm for you.
I hope that I was able to do it some sort of justice.
PPS- If you are in a situation anything like mine, please know that the feeling of immense joy that came when I was able to take the sacrament for the first time honestly outweighed the joy of falling in love and being loved in return. There really is so much more out there for you than an abusive relationship. There are guys out there that are actually good guys. And Heavenly Father is there watching you and He does NOT want you to be with someone who degrades you. It doesn't matter how great they are sometimes, love doesn't make you lose yourself. Love loves you for who you already are.
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