Dating After Being Abused Part 3: The Upside

We've made it to Part 3. Oddly enough, this is the first one that I wrote. And I wrote this one a couple of weeks ago. The other two I wrote last week, but I wrote them in the opposite order. So I wrote 3, then 2, THEN 1. Because I wasn't planning on this being part of a series. And Detoxidating was also supposed to be a stand-alone post. But then I realized that there was so much to say concerning dating after being abused, and so my first multi-part post was born. Anyway, just a fun fact. Let's get to the actual post, shall we?

It's really easy for me to see the downsides to dating, or even being friends with, me.

One- because I'm still clawing out of the abuse mindset that makes me feel like I'm not worth caring about, and two- because I'm still clawing out of the abusive situation, which means that there is more about me right now that's difficult. But I already covered those in Parts 1 and 2, so I won't be talking about that today. I'm going to reiterate some points, but all in all, today I'm going to talk about something that I actually think is wonderful about dating, or being friends with, a survivor.

Appreciation.

I never thought that I would date somebody who didn't have the same ideas about the law of chastity as I did. I took it for granted that whoever I dated would be on the same page as me when it came to standards.

I was wrong.

I never thought that I would fall in love with someone, only for them to let the mask drop to show the cruelty hiding underneath. I took it for granted that if I fell in love with someone and he fell in love with me, then everything would be fine. Maybe not sunshine and daisies all the time, but that the man that I fell in love with would continue to BE the man that I fell in love with.

I was wrong there too.

I never thought that I would ever be with someone who would have the ability to strip away every good thing about me, leaving me feeling worthless, and like I would never, ever be enough. I took it for granted that being in a relationship would only build me up.

I was oh so very wrong.

I think that you get the picture.

No one goes into a relationship thinking "Welp, this is going to end horribly." I mean, we know that there's the possibility that things won't work about and we'll break up, but we don't fall for people and choose to be with them because we love the way they make us feel like crap.

But that's the thing, we don't. We fall for people who make us happy and choose to be with them because we feel like our lives are better with them in it. And they are!... at the beginning at least. But then we're blindsided. (Not always, but for the sake of the example.)

I never in a million years would have thought that my ex was capable of hurting me so deeply. Of getting under my skin and reducing me to a frantic mess whose life goal was to somehow, some way, satisfy him even though I knew that I never, ever could. But that's exactly what happened.

And that sucks.

("And the understatement of the year award goes to....")

But here's the thing. I know better now. I know now that some guys/girls have the power to destroy you, but it's hidden behind a mask. And because I know that, yes, I am definitely more wary, but I also am much, much more appreciative of genuinely good people.

Sorry-not-sorry to talk more about my boyfriend, I know it's probably getting old. But I appreciate my boyfriend more and more every single day. I appreciate that a month into our relationship, he still wants to be my boyfriend. I appreciate that he constantly assures me that I'm good enough as I am right now. I appreciate that he supports me in my endeavors.

But what I probably appreciate the most are all of the little things that are totally natural for him. Things that he sees as givens. Things that I used to see as givens that I now see as tremendous blessings.

Tyler sees it as a given that we follow the chastity standards in the For Strength of Youth booklet. He sees it as a given that he is patient and supportive of me. There are so many things that he does and  thinks that are second nature to him, but that I have learned are not second nature to everyone. He sometimes seems surprised by the reactions of awe and appreciation that I give to the things that he assumes are givens in life and in relationships. But I've had to fight for them before. And I lost those battles over and over again.

Tyler cannot fully comprehend that he is everything right about everything that was so wrong with my last relationship. To him, all of this is just what he does. To me, it's everything that I always thought that I would have, and then didn't.

Now that I have what I always thought that I would, I do my best not to take it (or him) for granted for one single moment.

And that is the beautiful thing about being a survivor. I have seen so much of the bad that the world has to offer, and because of that, I appreciate the good SO much more.

I actually meant to publish this post earlier today, but now I'm glad that I didn't because a friend of mine sent me an article within the last hour that perfectly describes what I'm talking about here.

The most beautiful lesson I learned after I got broken is that you can actually love even if you’re broken. In fact, you love more intensely and beautifully than another person who has never been broken. You hold onto love so tightly and you feel everything with a thrill three times bigger.

And I hope that that never stops. I hope that I will always appreciate every little thing that my boyfriend/fiance/husband ever does for me. Because they're important. And I hope that I never cease to be amazed that he doesn't do the things that I never thought someone would do to me in the first place, but happened all the same. I hope that I get used to it in the sense that I'm not constantly waiting for a shift, for the mask to fall, the other shoe to drop. And I hope that the fear will fade away, but never the appreciation. Because having a good man/woman in your life is an enormous blessing. And to me, it's a freaking miracle.

I have no idea where this relationship will go. I hope for the best of course, which is what you should do with any relationship, but I have no clue if we'll go anywhere. And you know what? That is perfectly okay with me right now. Because even if things don't work out between us, I've learned something important. I'm not the only one that views certain things as givens. There really are good men out there that won't hurt me. There really will be someone that will always strive to lift me up, never seek to tear me down.

And that, my friends, is something to be grateful for.

I tell you what, if you are friends with or dating someone that has been in a toxic relationship, know that everything that you do means the world to them. As I finished re-reading the Harry Potter series for the umpteenth time a few months ago, this line from Deathly Hallows really stood out to me:

He wanted to tell them what that meant to him, but he simply could not find words important enough.

Taking a step away from dating; this whole experience has helped me to appreciate everyone in my life so much more. Every time you stop in to say hi, leave a note, tell me that you want to hang out and then actually set a time to do it, hug me, make me food, say something nice about me, play with my hair, send me something funny, support me, uplift me, love me; I am overwhelmed by how much you care. Many people this year have told me that I'm easy to love, but it's been proven to me way too many times that that isn't always true. And that makes their words mean the whole wide world to me.

And for those who did have trouble loving me at first, but then came to love me, you have probably proven to me more than anyone that I'm lovable. Because with past friendships, and especially with my relationship with my ex, I became less valuable over time, not more.

There really are no words important enough to describe how full my heart is when I think of all of you. You don't give a second thought to what you do most of the time, but I do. I think about it all the time and I feel so blessed. You are truly incredible. Please know that the good that you do so readily, so automatically, does not go unnoticed, nor does it go unappreciated.

You know, I never realized how many people truly care about me until my world fell apart completely. In the very time of my life that I was left feeling the most worthless, broken, and weak, you have reminded me that I am SO much more than the handful of jagged shards that I see. You have loved me when I have felt the least deserving of that love. You have loved me when I have felt that there is very little left for you to love. You have loved me into realizing that I am, in fact, absolutely worth loving. And believe me, I do not take that for granted, even if you do.

So if you have a somebody in your life that treats you well, cares for you, works with you, is honest with you, I want you to look at them. Really look at them. Look at all of the little mundane things that they do for you. Look at the ways that they support and encourage you.

Try to recognize that what you have is so precious. Not everyone has what you have, and not only that, but some have the opposite of what you have. And I tell you what, I'd rather not have anyone at all than have the opposite ever again. The opposite takes you for granted, always. The opposite is what you never expected (and certainly never wanted), but what you ended up with over time. The opposite brings much more pain in the end than they ever brought joy.

So do me huge a favor. If you have the former, do not take them for granted. Not for a single moment of a single day for the rest of your life. Because I sure don't plan on taking anyone, or anything, for granted ever again.

I know better now.