So I had an experience this past week that has spurred this post. I got a message from someone that I don't know too well, but that I've always really admired. She's gorgeous, talented, and just all-around amazing.
Her message started like this:
Hey! So I know you are super busy and tons of women probably talk to you about stuff. But I wanted to talk to you if you have time.
(Let me just say right here that I never, EVER want anyone to feel like they can't come to me. First of all, I'm really not that busy at the moment, and even if I was, there is always, always, always time to love and support another person. So please don't hesitate.)
She then went on to tell me her story. Hers is a story that is not mine to tell, just as the stories of many other women who have reached out to me are not mine to tell. But it is hers to share and she shared it with me.
I was shocked. First of all by all that she has gone through, but also mostly shocked that she came to ME. This incredible girl that I've always looked up to so much came to ME for advice and help. It's still blowing my mind a bit.
My heart has been breaking all week for this girl because, while our experiences are very different, I know where she is right now in so many ways. And so I have talked to her and tried my best to tell her all that I can think of that she needs to hear right now. Things that I know that she needs to hear because I needed to hear them.
But at the beginning of all of this crazy journey that I've been on this year, there was no one to tell me. At least, not anyone who really knew what I was going through.
But I can be that person for her. I am the one who knows. The one who knows how she is feeling because I have felt it. Because I am still feeling what she is feeling in so many ways. I can be the one who she can believe when I tell her things because she knows that I know how she feels because I have felt, and am feeling, those things.
I've spent this week thinking a lot about the things that I could say to her and I have relayed as much as I could to her through messenger, letter, and Skype. After she read my letter to her, she sent me this:
Oh man. So many things to say. The first is thank you. Thank you for caring for me in a way no one really else has been able to. Thanks for giving me the exact advice I need.
So now I want to turn all of this over to you; my readers. I want to be that person for you too. So this post is for all of you who know what it's like to be SO betrayed by the one you love. Who know what abuse feels like. Who know the effect that it has on your very being. Who know because you have, are going through, or just got out of being abused.
This is for those who know.
This is going to be another series because I've found that there is SO much that I want to say to you. (And for those of you who don't "know", this is a good way to find better understanding of those who are struggling with these things right now)
I'm going to start by sharing an edited version of the letter that I sent to that wonderful girl that I've been talking about. The other parts of this series will go more in-depth on some of the things that I talk about here, but I wanted to just start out with this blanket letter before I elaborate.
Obviously this letter was written for a specific person in a specific circumstance, but we're going to pretend that that letter is addressed to you and yours.
Dear Insert Name Here,
First off, I want to address the divorcee issue. I can’t fully understand what you are going through because I didn’t actually get married. But I can understand to an extent at least and I also know of other women that I know that were in similar situations to you where they ended up getting divorced.
So here we go. If someone writes you off because you’re divorced, it really is their loss, not yours. Dating has been TERRIFYING for me. Who in the world would want to date me when I’m such a mess? Who in the world would want to date me with all of my baggage? Who in the world would want to date me when they find out about everything that happened?
And the thing is, it is very possible that I could have tried to date guys that ended up writing me off for any of those reasons. And I hate to say it, but it’s very possible that you will be interested in some guys that will end up writing you off because you are divorced. But ______, those are not the types of guys that you want to be with anyway!
There really are guys out there who will see you for who you are. They will see that you are beautiful, and strong, and faithful and they will be in awe of you. They won’t see you as broken, or tainted, or weak. Even if that’s how you may see yourself at times.
Again, I’m not sure which of my blog posts that you’ve read, but you may know that I am actually currently in a relationship. It completely caught me by surprise in all honesty. Others that I’ve talked to that have had broken engagements or have been divorced have always told me that getting back into dating is rough. When I would ask how long they think that it would take for me to feel even a little bit comfortable with the idea of dating again, they would tell me that there isn’t a timeline. You won’t feel ready until the right guy comes along that give you the courage to try again.
And that’s what happened to me. Up until a little over a month ago, I felt like I wasn’t going to feel ready to date for another 50 years. Even after 8 months, the thought of dating was still terrifying. And all of my insecurities and self-doubt ate away at me constantly. Even if I did feel comfortable with dating, who in the world would want to date me?! Although I am not a divorcee, I still have felt taboo. There are so many other girls out there that are whole. They haven’t been broken like I have. No one will want me when they could have them.
But my friend became my best friend. And now he’s my boyfriend. And I could not even begin to tell you how that happened exactly. But it did. And he genuinely wants to be with me. He sees my struggles and he looks past them into my heart. He sees all of the good in me that I struggle to recognize amidst all of the weaknesses that are so clear to me.
There is going to be a guy for you. There will be. And he is going to be something really special.
Stepping away from dating, there will probably be others who will judge you as well because you are (will be) divorced. They are the same people who are judgmental of missionaries who come home early or anyone that lives the gospel the teensiest bit differently than they do. Their judgments are on them, not you. I’m not saying that this is going to be easy, but you need to know that while there are going to be those people who judge, there will also be those who look past the labels and see you. And they will accept. And they will love and support.
There are people that think that I’m delusional, an idiot, brainwashed, etc. And that sucks. And it doesn’t feel good. And luckily they’re generally not directly telling me those things, so they’re easier for me to ignore. But even if there are people who treat you differently because of your divorce, you still will have to learn to brush them off. Treat everyone with kindness and just move right along with your life.
Okay, now going back to dealing with everyday life right now. Yes. This is one of the hardest things that you have ever gone through. But you will make it through. And you’re not going to have any idea how you did it. But really, you know how. You’re going to make it through each and every day with the help of the Lord.
I’ve had this picture in my head of my Heavenly Father sitting up there, looking down on me, just heartbroken. He hates watching me go through so much pain and anguish. But He knows that He can’t simply wave His hand and make it all disappear. That would frustrate the Plan of Salvation. So instead, He sends me every single little tender mercy that He can to simply keep me going for the next few minutes, or hour, or week. And so this time has still been excruciating, but I have been able to continue on because I have the Almighty God on my side. And you have Him on your side too.
One of my biggest pieces of advice for you right now would be to worry about right now. Don’t worry about what you are doing later today or later in the week. Don’t worry about finding your eternal companion. Right now, worry about making it through the next few hours. Rather than searching for the strength and the revelation to make it through the rest of this year, simply find the strength to make it through the rest of today. My mantra has kind of become “One day at a time.” It’s easy to feel completely overwhelmed with thoughts of the future, but you won’t get anywhere if you don’t get through today.
I’ve had days where the only thing that I accomplished was getting out of bed to eat a single meal. And that had to be a victory for the day. I got out of bed. That shouldn’t have been so hard, but it was. Things that came so easily, so naturally to me before are all of a sudden extremely difficult. I lost my job, I haven’t been able to take full classes (or hardly any classes for that matter), and sometimes daily things like eating three meals or getting to bed before 6 AM are real struggles. But not because I am less of a person than I was when those things were second nature.
The person that did all of those things so easily wasn’t going through hell. But I have been. It’s like expecting yourself to be able to run a mile just as quickly with a 100 lb. backpack on as you do when you have no extra weight on you at all.
And yeah, there are going to be days where you seem to do a ton better! Sometimes there will be entire weeks where you seem to be getting back to where you were. And then the next thing you know, you’ve hit another slump. A quote that I have come to love SO much says “Healing is not linear.” I’ve had my times where it seemed like I was finally getting better, only to be completely slammed down again. And it’s the worst feeling. But if you can recognize now that that’s how it’s going to be, you might be able to cut yourself a little bit more slack.
Healing takes time, and lots of it. And that’s frustrating. But let me tell you something. This road to healing that you’re on is definitely going to be bumpy. There absolutely will be plenty of ups and downs and rough patches. But through this process, you are going to be made strong. And you are going to be made capable of doing things that you never would have dreamed would be possible for you.
I never would have imagined that I’d be able to help people like I have. Especially not in the middle of one of the toughest trials that I have ever faced. But here I am. The idea that someone as awesome as you is coming to me for advice seems insane to me! I’ve never felt capable of making a meaningful difference in someone’s life. I was never a leader in my mission, I didn’t even really get to train. I’ve never been the president of anything or picked first for anything. I’ve always felt mediocre. But because of my biggest stumbling block, I have been transformed into someone who actually can make an impact. I’m only who I am right now- I am only able to be any kind of support for you right now -because I have been broken.
Last thing:
This is probably the harshest truth that I have to give you. You are no longer responsible for (Abuser).
I have an idea of how you must feel right now. You love (_____). You want the best for him. You want him to fully repent and rehabilitate and live a really happy life someday. And that is so wonderful! But. Your place in his life is pretty much over. It is no longer up to you to make sure that he is okay. It is no longer up to you to be there for him in every moment, every hardship. And that sucks.
But know that (_____) is not going through this alone. I don’t know what kind of support he has from friends and family, but I know for certain that he is not alone. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ want his happiness just as much as they want yours. They love him just as much as they love you. Not only do they also want (_____) to repent and rehabilitate and live a happy, righteous life, but They also have the means to help him to do so.
It is time for you to leave him in Their hands. Because They want YOU to be able to heal and rehabilitate and live a happy life as well. They don’t want you to be burdened down by (_____)’s agency any longer. They want to ensure that you are loved and supported. And (______) lost the privilege of being there to help with that. Not only that, but he abused that privilege. And so just as much as he can no longer be there for you in every moment, you need to learn to let go of him as well.
I know that this sounds so harsh. So awful. I know because I hate it. I really was in love with my ex. Even after he hurt me so badly and so deeply, I wanted to just throw my arms around him in a huge hug and tell him that everything was going to be okay. And having to tell myself that I can’t do that for him anymore has been excruciating. But what happens to him now is no longer my responsibility at all. I have had to have the faith that Heavenly Father is ensuring that he is given his best chance to make it through this. My ex’s well-being really doesn’t hinge on me. It hangs on God instead.
Heavenly Father wants me to be able to move on with my life, and I can’t do that if I’m wrapped up in my ex. The last thing that I want to do is hurt him and or/hurt his chances of recovering. But what he does with his life and his recovery are ultimately up to him. And accepting that is not at all easy, but it is true.
I don’t know if any of this is really making sense, so I’m going to end here.
I love you girl. I know that I don’t know you well at all, but I have always admired you so much. And that admiration has not dimmed in the least because I know that you are feeling really low right now.
Everything is going to be okay. Maybe not today or anytime in the near future, but it will be. And in the meantime, there is so much good to be found, even now.
Love,
Annaliese Kretchman
(To be continued...)
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