Seeing Isn't Believing

"Everything is going to be okay."

I know that. I know that it's going to be okay. I just wish that I knew how! I wish that I had some idea of what I should be doing right now to help make it okay.

I have said, or thought, similar things over and over and over again these past couple of years.

I know that all things will work together for my good. I know that everything will turn out alright as long as I continue to live faithfully. I know that I'm never alone. I know that Christ can help me to heal. I know that Heavenly Father can create beauty out of my ashes (Isaiah 61:3).

I know.

But sometimes it is so hard to really feel like everything is going to be okay when everything in your life seems to be falling apart. Sometimes I would love to catch a glimpse of, not even the end game, but the next step at least. Sometimes I would really love to just understand how things can possibly work out when nothing seems to be so far. And sometimes it's really easy to discount the things that actually have worked out because they are overshadowed by what seems to be a mountain of things that haven't.

During fast and testimony meeting this month, one sister said something, I don't even know what exactly, that sparked a thought for me.

In the scriptures we learn:

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. 
Hebrews 11:1

Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us a sign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe.

Now I ask, is this faith? Behold, I say unto you, Nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it.

...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true.
Alma 32:17-18, 21

And it came to pass that Ether did prophesy great and marvelous things unto the people, which they did not believe, because they saw them not.

And now, I, Moroni, would speak somewhat concerning these things; I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.
Ether 12:5-6

Now, I've read and heard these verses many times throughout my life. I've studied them personally on multiple occasions when I've been struggling. And yet it wasn't until that testimony meeting that I made a connection that I had never really consciously made before.

I feel like when I read these verses, I think of big, obvious miracles like Moses parting the Red Sea or Christ healing the blind. You know, ones that are very clearly miracles. Ones that absolutely could not have happened without Divine intervention.

When I think of people demanding signs, I think of stories like the one that Elder Christofferson shared in this past General Conference about the prophet Elijah proving to the priests of Baal that their god was not the true God by having them both pray to their "god" to set fire to a pyre with a sacrificial offering on it.

But I realized that those thoughts of "couldn't I please just understand how everything is going to work out?" is the same thing as asking for a sign.

Show me proof that things are going to be okay. 

Write my next step in life on the wall or send it in a dream. 

Where are the words in my head telling me what to do next?

I often ask to have my fear replaced with faith, but I think that what I really keep asking is to have my faith replaced with knowledge. And that's no bueno. Because faith is believing even when you don't see. Believing that Heavenly Father has my back. That He really does know exactly what He is doing with my life. That He really can give beauty for ashes.

Even when I don't see what He is doing. How He is protecting me. How He is guiding me. How He is strengthening me.

One of my all time favorite scriptures is 1 Nephi 4:6-7. Well, 6 through the very beginning of 7. I've talked about this scripture in a previous post and I'm sure that it's not the last time that I'll talk about it.

This is after the most well-known verse in chapter 3 about going and doing. After the sons of Lehi have tried not once, but twice to obtain the record from Laban. This is the moment where Nephi really puts his words into action. He said that he knew that the Lord would provide a way (1 Nephi 3:7) and here he is proving that.

He says that he was "led by the Spirit, not knowing beforehand the things which I should do. Nevertheless I went forth."

Nephi had no idea how he was going to get the record. He and his brothers had tried a couple of different approaches and Laban made it clear that not only would he not give them the record, but also that he wanted them dead. But Nephi knew that "it would all work out" because God had told them to get it, so by golly they were going to get it.

And so he went back to the palace with no plan. Not because he hadn't given it plenty of thought. Not because he hadn't already been doing his best to figure it out on his own. But because he knew that it was time to simply trust that Heavenly Father was going to make it work. He couldn't have known that he would find Laban drunk, or that he would be able to easily convince a servant of Laban that he was his master. All he knew was what God asked him to accomplish and that God would help him accomplish it.

And so he "went forth."

I may not ever be asked to leave my home to create a whole new nation on a different continent, but I am asked to live righteously and trust God.

And I do.

Or, at least, I try to. I actually try really, really hard to. And yet, because I am very much imperfect, I still find myself asking "how is this going to work out? I just don't see how this can possibly work out!"

I find myself asking to be able to see how it's going to work instead of being content to just believe.

And the thing is, Heavenly Father has proven to me over and over again that He really is more than capable of working everything out. He stopped me from marrying an abusive felon. He enabled me to stay out at school with zero funds and no income. He helped me to face a paralyzing terror of dating to help me to meet and marry my incredible husband.

I HAVE seen miracles. The past two years has been one trial after the other, but also one miracle after the other. And none of these miracles came in an instant. And none of them were hinted at by the Spirit to soothe my conscience. I didn't see a single one coming.

But they came. And they keep on coming.

And I am still facing seemingly insurmountable trials. And I am still afraid. And I still find myself wanting to catch a glimpse of everything happening behind the scenes. But I really do know that everything will work out. I have no idea how. I have no idea when. But I know that it will. Not because I have seen how, but because I believe.

That's what faith is. Not seeing, but believing because you've seen it before.

So no, I may not know how things will be okay. How I will fully heal from abuse and trauma. How I will be able to be a good mom someday with all of my mental and physical illnesses and injuries. How I will get back to taking classes and doing well in them so that I can graduate. But I know that God knows. And so I will simply trust that the Spirit will guide me, and I will go forth.

I don't have to see and understand. I have to believe and press forward. And as I do so, everything is going to be okay.