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| Artwork by Yongsung Kim |
*I wrote this post in 2022 when I was living in Pennsylvania. I'm not quite sure why I never published it, but I came across it today and am publishing it now*
Last week I shared a post that someone wrote about toxic church culture. It seems to have resonated with a lot of people, as it did with me.
A few days later, I shared another post that addressed the church culture issue from a different perspective and shared some of the incredibly positive things that we see in the church. This ALSO, resonated with me.
*I'll share both posts at the end in case anyone is curious. I wasn't able to link the posts*
Since then, I've been thinking about those two posts a lot and decided that I wanted to try to write a post that discusses both points of view.
For those who don't know, when people talk about "church culture", they are usually talking about the members of the church that are especially judgey, hypocritical, and unkind to those who don't fit what they see as the good disciple mold.
These are the people who treat missionaries who return home early like they are second class citizens. The ones who don't let their kids play with kids that aren't members of the church. The ones who act holier-than-thou and talk badly about people that don't dress as modestly, speak as cleanly, or live as righteously as they think that they should.
This seems to be especially prevalent in communities where there are a lot of members (good luck finding friends for your kids in a community where they are the only members), but can be found in many congregations and individuals. For the purposes of this post, I'm thinking predominantly of members of the church in the United States as I do not have experience with congregations in other countries.
The problem with church culture is that it uses the gospel to justify the behaviors.
Well, all worthy males are supposed to serve full time missions. So if they don't, then they must not be living the gospel. They'll never find a spouse. Who would want to marry someone who failed to rise up to such a sacred call? (I wrote a lot about this in one of my earlier posts)
Our bodies our temples. We're supposed to dress modestly. Shoulders covered, skirts and shorts to the knee, nothing too tight or low cut. Tattoos defile our temples. So if someone is wearing something too short or has a tattoo sleeve, they must not care about what God thinks of them. They must not respect the gift that He has given them.
We're supposed to surround ourselves with good things and influences. If my kids hang out with non-members, they'll pick up bad habits.
The first sentence in each of those paragraphs is true. But the following statements are missing something very important; charity, the pure love of Christ.
Christ spent not just most, but ALL of His time with the imperfect. He pulled His apostles from every day men. He dined with sinners.
Yes, He rebuked and called to repentance. Yes, He drove it home to Peter that he needed to be serving a mission. But He is perfect. He has a right to judge that we do not. And with that right, in almost every single circumstance that we study about in the scriptures, He leads with love.
The woman taken in adultery was first saved from stoning and offered forgiveness. Then she was told to sin no more.
The woman at the well was treated kindly and respectfully even though she was a Samaritan. Then she was told to stop sleeping around.
Christ didn't stand for Peter cutting off the soldier's ear, even though that soldier was taking Christ to His unjust death.
Christ "broke the Sabbath" and healed on Sunday.
Christ didn't spend His time with the holier-than-thou Pharisees. He ministered to the meek.
Christ did indeed tell Peter "get thee behind me Satan." But He also spent hours and days and weeks with Peter, teaching Him and building a relationship with Him.
Yes, the church has a lot of "rules" that we have been asked to follow by prophets of God. And I absolutely believe that we should try our very best to follow them. But the two most important commandments are to love God and to love others.
When it comes to the rules and standards of the church, I think that it is best that we focus our time and energy on how we ourselves are doing. On whether we feel that we are giving our best efforts to live in accordance with the will of God.
We can leave the judgement and worry about everyone else to the One who knows each individual and their circumstances best. It's not our job to do that. It's our job to love.
And you can disagree with someone's choices and still love them. You can be concerned about someone's lifestyle without shunning them.
I've thought a lot recently about the 11th article of faith.
We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
This doesn't mean that every way of living or worshipping is in accordance with the will of God. But it does mean that just as we are able to worship in the way that we feel is best, we also allow others that same privilege.
It is not for us to decide who is doing it right or wrong.
I think at the final day, we'll be shocked to see how much of the great and spacious building is filled up with self righteous members of the church and how much of the fruit of the gospel has been eaten by those who struggled and fought to cling to the iron rod.
Okay, that pretty well addresses my thoughts and feelings about the initial church culture post. Now I want to shift gears and talk about the second.
While the "church culture" that is often referred to is incredibly negative, there is an opposing culture in the church that is overwhelmingly positive.
It is the culture of service, learning, growing and helping and allowing others to grow. It is the culture of support and finding an instant family in the church wherever you go.
I have moved around quite a bit in my adult life. I have been a part of 10 different wards in as many years. And in each one, I have found individuals and families that have blessed my life in a variety of ways. People who have helped move in and out of apartments and houses. People who welcomed me into their friend groups. People who helped me sign up for classes and financial aid for my first semester of college. People who have come to my aid when I was sick or having a panic attack. People who were by my side at my absolute lowest points. People who brought us meals after my son was born or during particularly trying times in our lives. People who came over to hold my newborn so that I could sleep, and one who even stayed the night and helped me wash pump parts every few hours when I was struggling to get my son to breastfeed.
In each of these situations, these were people that I would not have met in any other way. I only met them because they were in my local congregation.
Wherever I go, I can look up what congregation I'll be in and get in contact with the bishop and/or Relief Society president and they will find people to offer help if needed.
The only time I was unable to get the help that I needed from the leaders of the congregation was in my married ward in Idaho. And even then, I ended up receiving so much love and support from a handful of regular members with no callings.
It was a random girl in the ward that approached me one Sunday and told me to call her if I needed anything at all (because I was clearly almost ready to pop) that ended up going to our apartment the night that my water broke and gathered our things for us and brought them to the hospital.
It was my ministering sister in that ward that slept over so that I could try to get some semblance of rest during the first couple of weeks of my son's life when he simply would not eat and I was getting (quite literally) zero sleep.
It was also a member of the church that helped us find that apartment in the first place when we were striking out again and again.
Back here in Pennsylvania, my little congregation is filled with people who don't seem to uphold the standards of the church. People with tattoos and short skirts. People who drop F-bombs during conversations in the car on the way to the temple. People who skip church to go fishing or to sporting events.
And yet it is here in this little, highly dysfunctional, imperfect ward that I know that I can call upon almost anyone here for help. It is here that I regularly hear about teenagers, and even kids, going to help someone out with yard work or moving in. Not as a church service project, but just as a family helping out another family.
It is here that the bishop has taken hours out of his day to walk my husband through changing the brakes in our old car twice. And here that another member has helped us with other things concerning our vehicles.
It is these imperfect souls that often take on multiple callings and still help out where needed because there simply aren't enough people to go around sometimes.
These people that I'm talking about are all flawed. They're all dealing with their own personal circumstances, mistakes, and sins. But at the end of the day, they love God and they love others.
It is in people like these that we find church culture shoved aside and replaced with Christ's character.
It is through faithful members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that I have felt the love of my Heavenly Parent's the most. The saints who love first instead of judging first.
And I have absolutely felt that love outside of the church too! I have felt it from Christians of other denominations, Jews, Muslims, and atheists. But I have only felt it from those who love first.
But I do firmly believe that there is something special, and even sacred, about the gospel culture; Christ's culture.
The thing that I have missed most about both my mission and living in Idaho is being surrounded by members of the church. Being surrounded by people who can give a blessing at a moment's notice if needed. Being surrounded by people who will stop everything to comfort a stranger.
In my earliest posts I talked almost solely about my experiences with life surrounding my ex's arrest. And I know that I talked about the vast amount of love and support that I was given.
I don't know how much I talked about the strangers though.
The strangers out at BYUI that would see me struggling to keep it together and would hug me, even though they had no idea who I was or what I was going through. I remember feeling so much love from absolute strangers at various points in those first few months of my life imploding.
I remember talking to a guy from my dance class that I didn't know one day because he could see that I was hurting and him giving me a big hug. I remember sitting and crying on the steps outside my apartment and someone giving me a hug, asking if I was alright, and then just walking away. I still don't know who they are.
I remember sillier instances like the chain getting crossed on my bike and me getting my hands absolutely covered with bike grease putting it back in place, and asking a random citizen if they could lock my bike for me. Or similarly, wiping out on my bike and no less than 5 strangers stopping on campus to pick me and the bike up and make sure that I was okay.
Those are things that are so much rarer in communities with few members.
In the church of Jesus Christ should be found people who do their best to love their neighbors. And I do think that there are people like that in every congregation.
So yeah, just about every congregation is going to have those "church culture" people. But they will also have people who help foster a culture of Christ.
Where church culture says "I'll only love you if I think that you are worthy," Christ says "I love you because you are my brother/sister and are of infinite worth."
May we all do our best to embody the character of Christ so that someday, "church culture" will be synonymous with "Christ's culture."
These are the Facebook posts that I shared:
First
I HATE Mormon culture, and I LOVE being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
How are they different?
Mormon culture: “I can’t believe she would wear that, so immodest!” Or “She has tattoos, she must be falling away.”
Actual doctrine: 3 Nephi 14
3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?
4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother: Let me pull the mote out of thine eye—and behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
5 Thou hypocrite, first cast the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast the mote out of thy brother’s eye.
Mormon culture: “Be exactly obedient brother, the Lord will love you more if you are perfectly obedient.”
Actual doctrine:
Elder Holland “My brothers and sisters, except for Jesus, there have been no flawless performances on this earthly journey we are pursuing, so while in mortality let’s strive for steady improvement without obsessing over what behavioral scientists call “toxic perfectionism.”
Elder Christofferson “God’s love is all-embracing….”
Mormon culture: serving less (or not serving at all) than 2 years or 18 months should be shamed.
Actual doctrine:
D&C 71:3 Verily this is a mission for a SEASON, which I give unto you.
You get my point? There are so many cultural beliefs, expectations, judgements, etc. that have zero doctrinal validity. The culture of judgement, shaming, and toxic perfectionism is dated. And that is not the gospel.
Using religion as the validation for attacking people and families, or through shaming and hating, or through taking away rights is not “the pure love of Christ.”
So while I proudly have a testimony of my church and my religion, I do not for one second support the “Mormon culture.” So please consider me as a friend if you are in the LGBTQ+ community, have had an abortion, are no longer religious, or curse, are a minority, etc.
You’d be amazed at how many people are shocked to hear what denomination I am a part of, simply because I am nice to them without judging them. We all can do better.
Yes someone pissed me off at church today. Yes I still believe. Yes I will be drinking an energy drink today with 200 mg of caffeine. Yes I dropped the f bomb this morning.
Thanks for reading this far, I don’t usually post this rant but today showed me that some people could use it. Just be nice.
Second
Absolutely amazingly said!
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