What Else Is There?

My period tracker informed me that it's International Women's Day. And it reminded me of a Facebook status that I wrote a few years ago.

This is it:

So I've been thinking about this for a while now, and I figured that I'd take advantage of the last few minutes of international women's day to attempt to express it.

I'm skinnier than you, not prettier.

I don't like to talk about stuff like this because I don't like focusing on my body. But for years I've had so many people make comments about my size. I don't mind when people make jokes about it like commenting that if I turn to the side I'd disappear, or that I might blow away in the wind. I really don't. What bothers me is that everyone thinks that I'm the perfect size.

I am the perfect size. For me. And you're the perfect size for you. There's always room for improvement from a health aspect, but otherwise it's true.

When I get really sick it scares me because I don't have a lot of weight to lose. That could get dangerous really fast.

I'm almost always cold because "I don't have enough meat on my bones."

I struggle to find clothes that fit me because I'm so petite. 
"I wish that I had that problem."
No. You don't. 
Maybe you have a hard time finding clothes that fit because you're not petite. Both are real struggles and that's all there really is to it.

Just because I'm thin doesn't mean that I'm prettier, smarter, funnier, friendlier, or all around more attractive than you. The right person will find me attractive, but not because of my size. And the right person will find you attractive, but not because of YOUR size.

I don't know if any of this is making sense, but ladies, please stop comparing sizes. Mine to yours or yours to anyone else's. All sizes are beautiful in their own way just like all hair colors, clothing styles, or singing voices are.

You are beautiful because you look just like you. Skinny doesn't = pretty. That doesn't mean that I don't think that I'm pretty because I'm small. But it means that I don't think that you're not pretty if you're not. I'm comfortable with my size. But from where I'm standing I see so many beautiful women who aren't comfortable with theirs. Women who look at me and are jealous. Don't be. I don't notice your size. I didn't even notice that I was smaller than anyone else until you told me. Because IT DOESN'T MATTER. Not a bit.

#internationalwomensday #actuallyimisseditby4minutes #oops #sizedoesntmatter #YOUarebeautifuljustlikethat

I wrote about this a little bit in this post, but I wanted to talk about it some more.

I still believe that Facebook status. Not because I'm still really skinny, but because I'm not.

I currently weigh about 25 pounds more than I ever have before in my life and I hate it. I hate the way that it feels when my thighs rub when I walk. And I hate that that rubbing results in my pants becoming pilly really fast. I hate that some of my shirts chafe because the sleeves are just a bit too small. I hate that I can't wear most of my clothes anymore because they're too small. Or rather because I'm too big for them now. I hate that my face is rounder than it used to be. I hate trying on clothes that I know would have looked really good on me eight months ago. I hate not knowing why I gained 30-35 pounds in those eight months.

But you know what? I also hated being so skinny that the majority of clothes that I tried on were way too baggy. I hated not filling in cute bathing suits. I hated looking bony when I lost weight unexpectedly. I hated being freezing all the time. I hated people being jealous of how thin I was when they were perfectly beautiful as they were.

Bottom line?

There's always going to be something that you don't like about your body.

But there's also always going to be something that someone else loves about your body.

A friend of mine recently put up a picture on Instagram with a caption that revealed that she doesn't like her body. That she has always defined beauty by "a delicate frame and skinny long legs." And I messaged her about it. Because this is one of the people that I find myself constantly being jealous of.

This is part of what I said:

I'm being 100% honest here. You have no idea how many times I wished that I looked like you. I still do a lot of the time. I wish that I had your sweet dimpled smile and your ability to look good in every single picture I've ever seen of you. Including your blooper shots and silly pictures. I love your beautiful hair and how it looks just as good down as it does up in braids or in a simple ponytail. You have been a huge standard of beauty for me that I keep trying to get out of my head.

Her response?

That is literally so ironic because I have always envied your body so much!!

Funny how that works, huh?

I've seen quite a few posts from people lately where they've talked about how they have struggled with their self image. Some of them have posted pictures that they don't like of themselves. And you know what? They've all been people that I consider to be stunning. With or without makeup.

I loved what one of them said:

Everyone around sees you the way you are; they see your "bad angles", double chins, crooked smiles..whatever you think your flaws are. And you know what? THEY STILL LOVE YOU.

If you really think about it, everyone else knows what you look like better than you do.

They've seen you with mascara running down your face as you cry. They've seen every angle of your face without makeup, and they've seen the back of your head when your hair is in a greasy ponytail. They've seen your silly faces as well as your angry, sad, and excited ones. They've seen your shirt bunch up in an unflattering way and your skirt stick to your legs. They've possibly even seen the spot that you missed while shaving.

And you know what? They. Don't. Care.

The world has set impossible standards of beauty that make us feel like we're being judged at every turn. But in real life, most people don't care. Not only that, but they don't even notice!

When I look at people, I'm not checking to see if there is flab under their clothes. I'm not looking for zits on their faces. I'm not scouring their bodies for imperfections. And yet I act like that's what people are doing to me!

Getting ready for church on Sundays has been a huge frustration for me most weeks. It's the one day of the week that I really try to look nice. Where I generally live in sweatpants and t-shirts the rest of the week, I really do my best to look my best on Sunday. And right now, that sucks. Because most of my church clothes don't fit anymore. And I put makeup on and do my hair and my face just doesn't look right to me because I'm still more used to how my face looked with makeup before I gained weight. And so most Sundays I give up with a "Well, it is what it is. This is going to have to be good enough because there's nothing else I can do about it." And that's kind of the worst.

But honestly? The people at church don't care if my clothes don't fit quite right or my makeup isn't perfect. They don't care if my hair wouldn't do anything helpful today. Because when people look at me, that's not what they see. They see me. They see Anna Laulusa. And when I look at them? I see them. I don't pay attention to the detail that they probably put in that morning either.

Obviously I do have moments where I especially admire someone's hair that day or love their skirt, but I also don't have moments where I think "Hm, she looks ugly today. It was clearly not a good hair day for her" or "His shirt has a wrinkle in it. I can't believe he didn't iron it this morning." Because I'm not out to find people's flaws. And I think that we'd sometimes be surprised to realize that most people aren't.

And sometimes I do notice that someone's hair is out of place or that they have something in their teeth. And you know what I do about it? One of two things. 1- Tell them so that they can fix it (because I would absolutely want someone to tell me so that I don't keep walking around like that!) or 2- ignore it because it doesn't really matter and doesn't make me think any less of them.

What I'm trying to say here is that no one really cares that much what you look like on a regular basis. And the people that care about you think that you're beautiful no matter what. Because their standard for your beauty has very little to do with your weight, hair, or makeup. It has to do with the way that your eyes light up when you see them, and the way that your chin crinkles when you see something cute. It has to do with the way that your laugh make them feel, and the way that you look at them like they are beautiful.

To close, I wanted to direct you to an Instagram account that my sister told me about. It's @beauty_redefined. Their motto is "my body is an ornament, not an instrument" and I love that! Granted, my body isn't doing too well on either count at the moment, but that's beside the point! They talk about how beauty is about who we are, not how we look. They're all about breaking out of the fake beauty bubble of social media and recognizing that while the world tries to tell us that we're too fat or too thin or too short or too tall or that our eyelashes aren't long enough or that our skin isn't smooth enough or whatever the case may be, none of that really matters.

I've really loved seeing their posts pop up in my Instagram feed in the midst of everyone's perfect looking pictures. It helps to remind me that at the end of the day, looks don't really matter all that much.

YOU matter.

Who you are as a person matters. And who you are as a person is beautiful, inside and out. Not because you look like a model, but because you don't. Because you are uniquely you and that is a truly beautiful thing.

Oh, and if you're wondering about the title, it's a quote from The Swan Princess, one of my all time kid movies (No, not the Barbie one).

This is the scene that I'm talking about.


PS- I just found this article and I love it!