Like This

Real talk.

I've been really struggling with my body lately. Clearly I'm not obese or anything, but I do weigh more right now than I ever have in my entire life. My thighs rub together when I walk, which has never happened to me before. My arms are wider and flabbier than usual. My face is rounder than it used to be. Because I'm small, I've been looking slightly pregnant a lot of the time because if my stomach grows at all, it's very apparent.

I've also been struggling with acne more in the last few months than I have in a while.

All in all, I haven't exactly looked my best. I've actually been looking the worst that I have in a long time, which is not what you want right before you get married. I wanted to look the prettiest that I've ever looked on my wedding day and the way my body was looking made it seem like that would be impossible.

My friend performed miracles on my generally unstylable hair and the pictures turned out pretty well. I can't really complain too much. But I've still been feeling extremely discontent with my body.

Starting my new life with my amazing husband should be this exciting adventure! But with my PTSD, everything is giving me major anxiety. Moving to a new state, not having friends, having to find a place for us to live, contemplating trying to find a job and actually successfully working it, etc. My anxiety has ben through the roof.

And my body image is just one more thing to add to the list of things that are giving me panic attacks at the moment.

So this picture hit REALLY hard.

There is so much about myself that I would like to change. Not just about my body, but about my mental being, about my capacity to function like a regular adult, about my ability to be a good wife in the midst of it all. I'm being stretched closer to breaking right now.

But I do have one amazing thing going for me. My husband. He's on my side, by my side, cheering me on, comforting me, and reminding me that even if I don't, HE loves me just the way that I am right now. He's the whisper in my ear that tells me that I'm better than I think that I am. That I'm beautiful. That I'm strong. That I can do hard things and that things really will turn out okay.

And so now I sit here writing this, trying with all my might to believe him.

Because even when I can't, he "just love[s] me like this".