It is 3:14 AM right now and I should be sleeping but I feel like I need to write something. Not totally sure what.
So I guess I'll just tell you how I'm feeling right now and see where this goes.
I finally registered for classes and it was the most frustrating registration I've experienced I think. I have no idea what I'm doing guys. Registering for classes shouldn't be this stressful, but I can feel the anxiety bubbling up inside of me and it frustrates me. I couldn't bring myself to sign up for any 7:45 classes because I'm terrified of missing all of them because I can't seem to get myself up that early without feeling sick (or get to bed early enough to reasonably get up that early). I'm on the wait list for a 9 AM class and even that scares me.
This is the most frustrating thing about this whole dang situation that I've found myself in this year. I really think it is. The most frustrating thing about this is that I keep comparing myself to what I call "last Spring semester Anna."
Last Spring semester I was taking 13 credits, working 20 hours a week, working at the temple, volunteering, and maintaining a long-distance relationship, meaning that I got about four hours of sleep a night because Skyping cut in to sleep time but I couldn't do it earlier without cutting in to homework time. Plus he was usually still at work until late anyway. Especially since he was two hours behind me.
And then I got in a bike accident and sprained my wrist, bruised my ribs (Holy Hannah that hurts), got whiplash, and bruised a couple of other bones as well.
And I still did everything that I was doing AND added physical therapy and doctor's appointments on top of it all.
It was stressful, I was tired, I was in pain, but I did it. And it was a great semester! I felt like I was really becoming who I wanted to be.
This Spring semester I'm taking two credits. I lost my job. I struggle to eat and sleep normally. I am pretty much terrified of dating at the moment. Basically I'm a mess. And it sucks. It really does.
But here's the thing. Last Spring semester Anna hadn't been to hell and back like I have. She wasn't dealing with depression (at least not as bad) and PTSD. She also wasn't helping nearly as many people as I have somehow managed to this semester.
And that makes this all worth it.
Wow. Writing that just made it so much more real.
Last Spring semester I was doing a lot. And I was doing a lot of good. But I've helped more people over the last few months than I have pretty much the rest of my life altogether. That's a pretty big statement, especially because I've always loved helping people, but I actually think that it's true.
You see, I've become "famous" in a sense this year. (There's no way I would have as many views on my brand new blog as I've had otherwise). I always say that I became "famous" for the worst possible reason (AKA- being the victim of a felony committed by the man that I loved). But I'm realizing that that's not the real reason.
The real reason that people have heard of me is because I stuck with the gospel to an extreme that many people may have failed to do in my situation. When faced with the worst thing that has ever happened to me at the hand of another, I chose to forgive instead of hate. When I heard that people were leaving nasty comments under the news article about my ex-fiance's arrest, something in me snapped. I knew that I needed to speak up. And so I did. I wrote this big long comment all about how he should be given the same opportunity to repent as anyone else. If Alma and the sons of Mosiah (the VILEST of sinners) could be forgiven, then why not my ex?
Man oh man I got so much backlash from what I said. All of a sudden the angry comments were directed at me. All of a sudden I was the one getting hate, which, let me tell you, is definitely NOT what I needed at the moment. I was already in the pits and those comments would have pushed me deeper in if they hadn't given me this drive to make a difference instead.
All of the angry people were very public about what they thought of me. (After a couple of days I stopped looking at the comments). But on the sidelines, I started to get message request after message request on my Facebook Messenger. For a while I was getting one every few hours. And every single message was positive. Every single one was from someone who thanked me for what I said. People who told me that they were crying for blood too until they saw my comment. That I reminded them of the power of the Atonement and that they thought that it was amazing that I was able to forgive so quickly.
Because of all of those amazing people, I haven't stopped talking. I continue to talk about this whole thing because I want to help more people. I don't want to be "famous"- it's not easy re-hashing my life's problems over and over again -but I do want to be helpful. I want to help people who are struggling. People who need help forgiving. People who are suffering from an addiction to pornography, first or second hand. I just really want to help people to be happy and come closer to our Heavenly Father. And that's what keeps me going.
Because it's easy to feel despair when I compare myself to who I was. Before all of this, when I would compare myself to who I used to be, I was definitely doing SO much better now. But now it's hard to feel that way. It's hard to not feel like I'm less of a person than I was this time last year. It really, truly is.
But if I can help people in a way that I couldn't before, then I can handle being less in some ways so that I can be more in others. Because I am more now. I am more compassionate. I am more patient with others. I am more experienced. I have been through so much in these last few months and it has shaped me into someone who understands a lot more. And when I understand more about the world, I understand more about others. And the more that I understand others, the more I can help them.
I went to a forum on campus last week about pornography. I sat in the back and tried to hold in tears for much of it. I prayed to know if I should share anything. One student asked the teacher what he should say to people who don't think that pornography is a big deal. People who don't think that it's an addiction or really harmful at all. I felt like I should speak up but I didn't. At least, not until the very end.
I was the very last comment. I basically just restated that previous student's question and then told the class that if they have friends who don't think that pornography is a big deal, then they can feel free to share my story. I told them that what my fiance did and about how it all started with a pornography addiction. He didn't just wake up one day and decide to commit a felony. No, it all started with porn. Porn that turned into addiction. Addiction that turned into criminal activity and heartbreak.
When the forum was over, a few girls came to the back and talked to me. I was crying and would have been happy to leave and sob in solitude, but I answered their questions and talked to them about the importance of using our experiences to help other people. They told me that they were so impressed that I was brave enough to go to the forum even though it must have been really hard (which it was) and that it was even more courageous that I was willing to share my experience with others. At least one of them had heard of me previously and she told me that she was really impressed with how I've been handling this whole thing.
It's funny to me how people are inspired by me. I feel like I'm just a total mess. But that's the thing. People who inspire us are not inspiring because their lives have been a breeze. No, they are inspiring because their lives have been extremely difficult. Because their lives were full of trials. And because they overcame them. And they talked about them. That's how inspirational people are made folks. They go through lots of crap and then relive that crap over and over again for the sake of helping other people with their crap.
So there it is.
Honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing with my life right now. But I know that Heavenly Father knows what I need to be doing, and right now, that has to be enough for me. Because I've prayed so many times to be used as an instrument in the Lord's hands and He's sure been using me. This definitely isn't what I had in mind. If it was up to me I wouldn't be suffering all of these things. But that's why I'm glad that it's not up to me. Because if I wasn't suffering what I am right now, then I also wouldn't be helping people. I've been able to touch so many people not only despite my personal struggles, but because of them! Crazy, no?
So no. I'm nothing like Last Spring Semester Anna. And I'm just going to have to be okay with that for now. Because the trade off is worth it. It really, truly is.
If you get anything out of this post at all (besides that I'm crazy and shouldn't be awake right now), I hope that it's this:
Don't compare. We always talk about not comparing ourselves to others, but I'm here to tell you that it is just as bad (if not even more debilitating) to compare yourself to you. You see your struggles. Your weaknesses. Everything that is not cool about you or your life right now. And it makes you miss better days and what seemed to be a better you.
But let me tell you something. Heavenly Father has this incredible ability to take you, as you are right at this moment, and make you into something spectacular if you let Him. He is looking down at you this very second and He sees you. He sees your circumstances and He sees you struggles. But more importantly, He sees your potential. He is saying to you "Don't you see? Because you have gone through/are going through this, you are more. I can see that you are more and I am going to make you even more than that. You are in the perfect position right now to do great things. I know it doesn't feel like it, but I know it. So will you let me make you even more awesome than you already are? Just you wait, it's going to be amazing."
You are doing great. Whoever you are, whatever your circumstance, you're wonderful. You have such a huge capacity to make a difference in someone's life. I don't care if you feel like you can or not because I know that you can. I know because I don't feel like I should be able to make a difference at all, but I have. And I hope to continue doing so. And if I can do it right now when I'm such a wreck, then by golly, you can too!
So keep on keeping on and give Heavenly Father the reins. It's going to be a bumpy ride, but I promise you that it will be oh so worth it.
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