Why Does She Get to Be Pregnant, But I Don't?

For those of you in my blog-o-sphere that don't already know, I'm pregnant!!! I'm about 15 weeks, due end of March/beginning of April. I've had a few tentative ideas for posts swirling around in my brain about pregnancy, but nothing has felt quite right yet.

Except for this one.

Oddly enough, this is one that I thought a lot about while we were trying to get pregnant, and may seem a bit odd to write about now that I actually am. But bear with me as I take a trip back to before my pregnancy.

I went off of birth control last October (Oct 2018) and we started trying to get pregnant. Not super avidly, I mean, I wasn't taking ovulation tests or keeping track of my basal temperature or anything, but we did keep an eye on my tentative ovulation date in my little period tracking app, but that was about it.

There were a couple of times where it seemed like I might be pregnant (late period, fatigue, extra nausea, etc) but wasn't. I took a couple of pregnancy tests each time and they were all negative, then I would start my period a couple of weeks later.

After about 8 months of trying, I still didn't get pregnant. My period had been kind of all over the place and I got to feeling worried/frustrated. I have quite a few friends that are struggling with infertility and I've read about some of the horrible things that they have been going through with fertility treatments, depression, etc. surrounding their fertility struggles.

I was becoming very afraid that that was my future. They say that once you've been trying for a year without success, that's when you should start looking into fertility issues. It had been over half of a year for me, so I was trying to brace myself for what might come.

And I started to think a lot about pregnancy and how unfair it seems to be. I thought about my friends that were struggling with fertility. People who would be bomb.com moms if they could only get pregnant. I also thought about all of the people that I know that have had miscarriages. Some one, some many. And then I thought about my friends who got pregnant while on birth control, who gladly welcomed their surprise, but weren't trying for it. And I thought about all of the women who get abortions because they didn't want to get pregnant, but didn't use protection and then wouldn't take responsibility for that decision. And I thought about the women who get pregnant because of sexual assault. And I came to the conclusion that this whole pregnancy roulette wheel is terribly unfair.

Why do those who are actively trying not to get pregnant end up with a baby?

Why do some women who have no respect for human life get pregnant at the drop of a hat, while those who desperately yearn for a child don't?

Why did people keep telling me "It's probably because you're so stressed. Stress messes with fertility" when girls who are raped (a highly stressful situation) get pregnant against their will?

Of course, there are also plenty of people who use protection and don't get pregnant, women who aren't responsible with sex but don't get pregnant, women who are raped and don't get pregnant, and also plenty of women who get pregnant as soon as they start trying.

But I still saw a huge disparity between those who want children and those who get them.

And it was frustrating.

And I know that everyone has agency and things happen for a reason and all of those things. And I reminded myself of those every time I started to get upset by the injustice that I felt. But those thoughts didn't dispel the feelings of hurt.

Now then, I feel a little bit awkward writing about all of this now that I am pregnant with my own child because I have all of those friends who are still in the midst of their infertility struggle. I know that I can't do justice to this topic when I haven't been through even a fraction of what they have, or what my friends that have had miscarriages and stillborns have.

But I wanted to voice the glimpse that I got and let all of you out there that are struggling- and fighting and suffering so that you can one day hold your own little baby in your arms -know that I see you. I might not know what to say or how to be a support. But I see you and I cheer you on from my couch and I often pray for you. I am amazed by you regularly. You are SO strong, whether you feel like it or not.

I don't know why some women get pregnant and others don't, but I do know that I have been inspired by many, many moms-in-waiting. Whether you have a baby or not, you're a mom to me. I see how hard you are fighting for your child. I see how much you love your babies that haven't come, or who left too soon. And I remember you when I am struggling with pregnancy symptoms. You remind me to be grateful that I have them, no matter how hard they can be.

And you continue to inspire me each and every day; all you moms with babies in your hearts, if not yet in your arms.

PS- I'm sure that I'll write more about my pregnancy later (hopefully soon), but this is the post that has come back to me the most and the one that needed to be written right now. Stay tuned!